#75: Relationship Health: The Most Important Thing You Need To Keep An Eye On

Hey, thanks for coming. Welcome to the Love Shack.

Hey, welcome to the Love Shack. It's a little old place where we get to get together and explore fresh perspectives, eavesdrop on juicy conversations and discover the things that really matter and have a little bit of fun along the way as well. This is episode number 75. We're going to be diving into relationship health today. It is the most important thing that you need to keep an eye on. And what is it we need to keep an eye on? Don't worry, we're going to be covering that.

Absolutely. Today in Love Shack, we're going to be sharing parts of chapters three and four in our. It's not really our upcoming book, it's Stacy's upcoming book that is going to be released on March 30th if you're listening live, so stay tuned. That's really exciting.

Yeah, it's going to be chapters three and four and thanks for that, babe. It has been a labor of love and I'm so excited to share it with all of you. And so if you know that you want a copy of this book, if you're a continuous follower or listener, shall we say, to the show, then you can do that by going to our website and getting on the list and we will notify you and just give you a shout out. It's going to be free for the next or for the first few days of launching that book after March 30th. So today it is the most important thing that we need to keep an eye on. But what do we need to keep an eye on when it comes to our relationship Relationship health? We do know that relationships can be hard, right? We all know that relationships take work, but it's not always clear what we need to be keeping an eye on so that we know whether our relationship is healthy and thriving or not.

And absolutely today in the Love Shack, we're going to teach you our simple formula for getting your relationships back back on track. When you feel the connection between you and your partner is what we would say atrophying. And share how you can tell when your relationship health needs a boost.

So we're Tom and Stacy Bartley for any new listeners out there. And we help committed couples rescue their relationship so that they can finally create long lasting love without having to spend hours analyzing their past, beating themselves up, man, do I know what that is. Or feeling like they are making no, no progress at all in everything that they're doing. We do this via sharing our unique frameworks, teaching new tools and skills. One on one sessions and through our signature courses. Relationship Rescue is one of them and Love for a Lifetime is another one of those. So, so great to be here with you today and as we dive into this topic, right, I want you to get some paper and a pen. There might be some wonderful ahas that are going to go off for you today. So, so don't hesitate to take some notes as we're talking and sharing. Yeah.

And today's episode is sure to help you understand the importance of what to keep your eye on to ensure your relationship health and to provide you with some useful tips you need to know to ensure that love is going to last.

So don't miss it. We're going to be right back after taking a quick break. Go get that paper, your favorite beverage and maybe something to write with. This one is going to be something I promise you've never heard before. So go, come on back and let's talk about some relationship health, shall we?

I met Stacy and Tom about two years ago. I was at a point in my relationship where I was ready to file for divorce. Not that I wanted to, but I just felt hopeless and helpless. I. I'd been through other counseling and coaching and didn't find any success. With Stacy and Tom's methods. I was able to eliminate insecurities, set boundaries, plant my flag, eliminate rabbit holing. I was separated from my wife for a year and I have since moved back home for the last six months. Now I still refer back to a lot of the teaching that Stacy and Tom provided and it's helped me. It's well worth it.

Learn the sooner simple three step system to rescue your struggling relationship by registering for Stacy's brand new free workshop. Reserve your seat by going to Stacybartley.com workshop.

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Hip, this is Nathan Mum and Mike Roday from Tech Time with Nathan Mum. Hey Mike. It's been a couple weeks now and we're on Kixie and on kknw. What do you think about this great relationship? I think it's fantastic.

It is.

You know what? I can't believe the excitement that we've gathered with our techtime radio show. We're so excited to be broadcasting it out all over everywhere. And of course, you can still always listen to it on KKNW 1150 Saturdays from 4 to 6pm and on Thursdays from 6 to 7am don't miss out on the best technology news without having to geek out. I think it's fantastic.

Easy on the ears, good for the soul. Alternative Talk 1150.

Welcome back inside the love shack. Great to have you here. We are Tom and Stacy Bartley. This is episode 75 and we are again your host and we have our air our incredible engineer Eric Ryder at the helm of kknw. Just because I'm kind of the detail guy. Just a reminder, there's lots of different ways that we try to be of service to you. So Stacy, encourage you to grab some paper and pen and you say, I can. I'm driving. Don't worry. Everything we do after our show's live here on kknw. It is uploaded to all the places you can find a podcast and on our show on our website, excuse me. We have lots of show notes and our wonderful daughter Brooke. Brooke, we love and appreciate you. Also transcribes every episode. So if you like to read, rather listen. We're also on YouTube and Facebook, so there's lots of different ways. I just point this out to remind you there's lots of different ways that you can hopefully use this material that we're sharing with you.

Yeah. And today we're going to be diving into chapters three and four of my upcoming book that will be released on March 30th. And so as we step into the heart of the matter, let's talk about today's topic, babe, shall we?

Absolutely.

This is a juicy one. This is one that's so important. And when it comes to our relationships, it can be overwhelming when we're trying to figure out what we need to do in order to make them better. Most of us don't know how to go about doing this because we've never really been taught and we don't understand truly how it is we operate as human beings. So when we feel like our relationship is beginning to slip away from us, right, we feel that atrophy of connection that we once had when we first came together and we decided we were going to build a life on together, on our relationship connection. It's normal for us to say things like, hey, we need to talk or you're never home anymore without realizing These statements usually turn into fights.

And the good news is that there's a way to avoid this. This is really what we want to, you know, share with you today. And the secret lies in how you are looking at the situation. What you may not realize is there is a void between where you are right now and where you desire to go.

And the difference between viewing this void with a get to, with some understanding and skills versus thinking I have to and striving to do a lot of mind reading and guessing is huge. If you can get into the mindset that you too can experience a deeper connection in your relationship, we need to talk about that. We need to step into that void place because it's interesting. We intuitively know that we need to spend time together and we need to communicate, we need to talk. We know that because somewhere inside of us, whether it's a conscious thought or not, we go back to how we created this relationship in the first place. And we realize, oh, my gosh, we spent a lot of time together, we shared a lot of hopes and dreams, we shared a lot of ourselves, right? Who we are, even some of our past messes as we were originally getting to know, know each other. And then we build this life, and then it starts to play out, and then what happens? Why is it that we stop sharing and where did the time and conversation go? And so we naturally, intuitively reach for that when we're going, okay, wait a minute, I can feel this isn't right, or I can feel this not being in a place emotionally where we once were, feeling that deep connection or sense of. We got this right, a sense of knowing who you are, and me too, and how do we get that back? So we naturally reach for that. So I want you to know that that is so normal and so intuitive and so wise of you. But there is a void and a gap there between where you were when you once started and where it is you are now in your relationship. And this is where we need to step into a very important principle that I call the principle of contrast. So this came about years ago when I finally rolled up my sleeves personally to study love and relationships. I remember hearing again and again and again, you've got to love yourself. And maybe you've heard that too. It's still very much a mainstream idea. And the idea is, you've got to work on loving yourself, and then you can show up and be all that you can be in a relationship. And I would think to myself back then, well, okay, how do I do that? I get the concept. But you know, if I can't figure out how to do that and nobody seems to be able to teach me how to do that or how to go about trying that on, then what does that mean about me and, and what's for me? So if I can't figure this out and nobody seems to be able to tell me how, does that just mean I need to get okay with not having a great relationship? Do I need to just kind of settle in and, and realize that this is the best it's going to be? And I used to be really panicked about not being able to find the love that I so desired. And by nature I now know over time I am such a relationship person. And so that thought is kind of funny to me as I look back, but I was really panicked about this idea of not knowing how to love myself. And I knew in the moment I didn't. And nobody could seem to teach me how. And so this internal conversation with myself would absolutely like, infuriate me. And so it turned into a monster for me where I had a tremendous amount of self doubt and insecurity and I put myself in quite a predicament. Thankfully I didn't give up there. And you don't need to either. I want you to know here and now that we can all create great relationships. We all have the capacity for great, incredible, deep connection and love. Ofttimes, we don't have the ability and the understanding that is needed in order to go there. And so today I want to show you how.

Absolutely. So let's take a moment right now. We're going to break this down so you can understand it in real terms. We're going to give you a crash course in relationships, but we like to say relationships 101 so you can finally see through the mystery and the mystique and all the lies and myths, big and small, that are promoted and preached about relationships. We want you to see and understand how they truly work once and for all. Because again, if you don't understand how we're wired as humans, we find in our private practice this is very, very helpful once you can really understand how it is that we're all wired again. It shows up in our different flavors and colors that we are as unique individuals. It gives you a much better context now to move forward and take your next best steps.

Yeah, and I love that you said flavors and colors, etc. Because that's going to play out into this principle of contrast. So I want you to take a breath right now and I want you to imagine for a moment an expansive white space. This white space represents the universe that we all live in, and it's filled with anything and everything that's possible. And we need to wrap our head around that. Lucky for you and me and all of us, we are born into this place. And we get to decide out of anything and everything that's possible what is you and what is not you. And we are on this quest from the beginning of birth until the day we tap out of this earthly existence. We can have a lot of conversations about what happens next and why we're here. We're not going to obviously jump into that today, but what I want you to realize is this ever evolving, unfolding process about who am I today? What do I like and what do I not like? Who am I and what works for me. And so, you know, babe, when you said, you know, colors and flavors and those kinds of things to. To wrap your head around what it is we're really talking about, I want you to think in this moment about what your favorite foods are and what your favorite colors are, and who are your favorite people and what are your favorite places to visit and what are your favorite music.

You know?

Right. What's your genre of music? What is it that lights you up? What are your favorite activities? And all of these are a byproduct of your awareness about the principle of contrast. This works for me. I like this. Ooh. I like the way this makes me feel. I love it when we do this. And we can't help but explore those things without having a big smile on our face. Like, there is this biological feedback if we're paying attention inside of us that goes, yep, that's me. Oh, you nailed it. You so nailed it. Right? You love that music. You love that food. You love that color. You love that. That outfit. You love that person. And that's the principle of contrast at play. Right? So I don't know that I know what your favorite color is.

What is it today? It's purple.

That's because you're wearing it.

That's right. If you're watching on YouTube, you can see that. See there, you're missing my purple shirt. I'm good with that.

And so as you explore this, like, take a moment right now and just notice all the things that start to trickle out as we highlight on what works for you in a relationship.

And I would add that. I would assert. I love that word. You know, I've said that in past episodes that perhaps what is coming up for you now is different than what your favorites and, and not favorites or dislikes. I guess would be a better way to say that of maybe say a year ago, two years ago, three. Meaning this is a very, very constant and ever changing and always changing until we have take our last breath contrast in our lives. Meaning it's not a set it and forget it.

Right. For sure. Well, just think back even like a year ago. It's easier if we look back further or even five years ago and look at how your favorite things have changed.

Right.

Or what you've added to your favorite things. It starts to highlight the idea and the reality that we change over time. That this is a constant evolving experience that we have as being alive on the planet. That the person I once was is not the person I am today. And certainly the person That I was five or 10 years ago or 20 years ago is not the person I am today. That what I like and what I enjoy and the people I spend time with is vastly different. And sometimes we'll even have the experience of things that I love and I so enjoy. And then I go, I don't really like that. And the thing that comes up for me in simple terms is like, I used to love peanut M&M's. You know, I really don't like them now. Right. That's something that I've kind of set aside in my life and I've traded it in for other things. And so just be aware of that.

Well, and I would add that the same dynamics that Stacy's sharing has also happened inside of me. I would bet it's happened inside if you're, if you're in an intimate relationship, if you're in a marriage or you know, a significant union right now, that that same journey, that same place of contrast is different from for your partner just like it is for yourself. Hence the reason why we find ourselves in this place of potential atrophy. Right? I mean, because you hear us say, if you listen to our show for any period of time, over and over again, this is the most. This is my word, these are my words. This is the most dynamic relationship process thing we're ever going to enter into. And I think that we could just get everything right. Excuse me. And then live happily ever after, as the story likes to say. Is, is a, is a one and done stagnant process.

That's nothing could be further from the truth.

From the truth. But I, I view that as exciting, you know, because would we want it to be stagnant?

No. But you know what? Knowing that we figured it out gives us a sense of safety. It gives us a sense of control. And that's why we want to make some sense of it and we want to create some consensus around the experience, experiences that we're having without realizing a principle of contrast is true for you and it may not be true for others. And this is what tends to start to get us into interesting times. I do want to point out also that when you're first coming together in your relationship, I want you to think about what you're talking about and what you're sharing. Right. Especially as we're coming at this from maybe the second time. Right. And I mean that, you know, cavalierly, whether you were married or not. We're coming at this from hopefully, experience in the relationship realm of maybe, you know, one or more people, whether that was my college lover and then I met somebody and then I got married or, you know, most of us go through several relationships before we finally decide that this is the person for me, whether we marry or we not. Again, that's a principle of contrast. Like, we're not going to know ourselves and understand ourselves, life and love, without this principle playing out consistently. And so let's say now you've. You've thought this was the one, and then that didn't work, and then I got into another relationship. When these things start to play out, we start to make up some interesting stories and perspectives about what works for me and what doesn't. And as we're getting to know each other, we can even talk about what didn't work in my last relationship. And we can share all of that and be completely disclosed. But interestingly enough, remember, contrast is not only what works, but what doesn't work. And it's the what doesn't work part that we're not so good about knowing how to talk about and how to explore and how to strategize and problem solve about what we need in our relationships. And most of us, you know, and the more you care, the more this is true, do not want to share that. We do not want to be a problem. We do not want to rock the boat, so to speak. We do not want to be seen in a light that's different from the way that I think you view me and that you love me.

So let's say that, you know, we have some listeners out there and they're say, okay, yeah, no, I feel like my relationship health is not where it should be. I feel like there might be some atrophy setting in. I agree that Darn you need just love yourself statement kind of makes, you know, kind of like, you know, finger fingernails on a chalkboard. So help me understand. Now I'm starting to, you know, get my arms around this contrast thing. How does the contrast thing help me in a much more practical manner than this, Learn how to love myself.

Well, it is. Learning how to love yourself is, AKA learning a substitute for learning how to know yourself.

K, N O, W. Yeah.

So it's important for us to. It's not about loving yourself. It is because you're going to love yourself more when we know ourselves. But in this principle of contrast, I just want you to understand as this starts to play out, you can't stop it. Like it's a part of how we are as human beings and the world in which we live in and that this contrast is very unique to you. We are constantly rolling over and exploring what works for us now and what doesn't work for us. We tend to think in our relationships that we want to get it all done and all figured out. Like, essentially we're going to arrive somewhere without realizing that's not even possible. Because that contrast is going to play out over time. And sometimes we'll say, hey, well, you didn't used to do that, or you didn't used to like that, or, you know, what's going on? What's wrong with you? Well, what's wrong with you is contrast. I've changed my mind. I've. I've now discovered that this is what I think or this is what I feel, or this is what I'm drawn to, and it's changed from the past. And we don't realize that that's going to happen. Like, that's normal. That that is normal human experience on this planet. The problem is we don't know how to share it and we don't know how to talk about it. So in the beginning, when things are really good and we're talking about all the wonderful places and things that we're going to create and all the things we're going to explore and share together, I call that the magic carpet ride, because we are about the things we love, the things we enjoy, and like I said, we can even disclose some of the things that I know and am aware of that I didn't do so well in my previous relationship that I want to do better at, or things that I realized my partner did that I didn't catch because I didn't know what I didn't know. And we bring all of this experience forward without really realizing the principle of contrast. And then what ends up happening is we put a life on this connection. I go, oh, man, I'm really into you. You really get me. This is going to be fantastic. I mean, I can easily go back, babe, when you and I were coming together and I was like, oh, man. You know, because of my experiences that I share in the book, I thought I'd hit like a home run and it was going to be nothing but smooth sailing from now on, you know? And I don't know if you felt the same. I didn't know if you thought that this was going to be smooth.

Do you still feel like you've hit a home run?

I absolutely feel like I hit a home run.

Glad we got that one cleared. Yes.

But here's the thing. How I thought it was going ago.

Yes.

It's very different from how it went in the contrast of experience.

So, okay, so then we've got some, you know, people. Okay, I'm following you now. Yes. We. I've. I've navigated and my partner and I've navigated some significant contrast. So how is it then back to that, like, loving myself. So understanding where this contrast is, and then how do I. How do I verbalize that? Is that.

What.

How do I share that with my. Understand that for myself first and then share that with my partner?

Well, yeah, and it's not that simple. So I don't even want to go into the idea of how to communicate and share that with your partner today. What I want to impress upon you is as we begin to look at the contrast and you begin to take on this quest of understanding who you are from the food you eat, the clothes you wear, the things that you love and enjoy, as well as the things that you do not, we are constantly evaluating. This works for me and this doesn't. I want this. I don't want that. And that is an ever evolving, unfolding process that will never stop in your lifetime. And I just want you to get your head around that piece first.

So that's where. As far as looking at the things that we really need to keep our eye on, that's the initial place that you're. If I'm hearing you correctly.

No, actually, yes and no. What I would encourage you to keep your eye on is a little thing called safety. But I want to make sure you have the process of contrast and you got a firm grip on that first. Because here's the thing. What we tend to do when challenges arise and they're going to. There's a whole bunch of contrasts that we can't get away from even when we dream. When we dream, we're thinking and working through our contrast as much as we are in the waking hours of our day. We can't get away from it. And what doesn't work will continue to stream out regardless of what we do with it. Now here's the interesting thing about the emotional experiences we have around contrast. I really only have two options. I'm either going to express it, share it with you, we're going to problem solve it, strategize it, or I'm going to act out. So contrast in one way or another is absolutely going to have its way with us. Right? It will endeavor to get your attention as a human being and as a creation that we are in this universe. It wants validation. And if I can't give it to myself by knowing who I am, knowing what I want and what works for me and what doesn't, I will need a tremendous amount of exterior validation in order to feel like I'm okay. And so this starts to play out on our relationships big time, especially in regards to what doesn't work. And we don't know how to talk about what. What doesn't work. So we tend to sit on it and sit on it.

So give. So what might give? Let's. How about if we give an example in our own relationship. So this might be helpful for people because again, even me, ladies and gentlemen, with Stacy and all her frameworks, I sometimes need more clarity. So how about. And story can be very helpful in that regard. So what would you say? What. Let's share your idea.

Why don't you tell me a story? What's coming up for you about contrast in our own relationships?

Well, one that comes immediately to my mind is you had Stacy moved to Sacramento from Salt Lake City and was that November of 2011? Right. And then lo and behold, in, In April of 2012, one of Stacy's wonderful daughters and, and five grandchildren at that point in time needed some very significant help and was in a shelter and we needed to go pick her up.

We had to rescue her from a domestic violent relationship. She had five kids in tow and pregnant with the six. And so by the way, this, this kind of we said, you know, I thought that I'd hit a home run and I, I thought it was going to play it one way. And then contrast started to play out in life and it played out very differently. This was the beginning of that playing out very differently. And I ended up traveling to Salt Lake City to rescue my daughter and grandkids, and we brought them across to California and still really, at that moment, didn't really realize what it was that was going to unfold from that time forward. And to be perfectly honest, it almost crippled our relationship. There was a moment in time, maybe four or five weeks after the fact of bringing her here to California, that we weren't quite sure we were going to make it. And all of us had to do a reevaluation of what works for us and what doesn't work for us and what we signed up for and what we didn't sign up for. And there was a tremendous amount of sharing and revetting, if you will, about what it is we wanted in our relationship and what it is we were going to create, as well as how we were feeling and what we were doing emotionally. Now, as this played out for me, I'll be the first to admit that I became very panicked, as many of us can when we don't know what to do and we forget about the pin or don't know. Not only forget, but I forgot you don't know the principle of contrast, probably. And I started to, like, beg and plead and. And like, try and corner Tom and try and, like, get him down and, like, reassure me that this is going to be okay, because I can feel you pulling away. I can feel you shutting down, and that's not what I want. You know, Tell me. Tell me you still really want this. And remember, this is only six months into us building a life together. So it was relatively. I was many years ago, but it was very significant. And. And Tom could only say one thing. What was it, babe? What did you tell me as I was going, honey, please, you know, talk to me. Tell me if I remember. Let me love you. Let me touch you. Let me be so close.

Space.

Yes. Back up.

Let me take a breath and let me really clearly. Best I can, you know, really understand what I'm facing here. Be all in the. In the spirit of full disclosure, and that's a statement Stacy and I use, you might want to try that when you're got. Getting ready to kind of share something, maybe that you lay the card on the table, the car on table. That wasn't really in my profile, if you will. Wasn't expecting that. No. All kidding aside. So, yeah, I just need some space to really, like. Holy camole.

And here's the thing about Tom, when he needs space, he can pull way back. He's usually very jovial and very emotionally expressive and. And Such. And all of a sudden there was this huge piece of contrast where all of a sudden he retreats and goes missing. And I start to panic. It's like, oh my gosh, what's happening? You won't talk to me about this, you won't share, right. And. And my thing is, when I'm in that space personally, right. This shows our individuality and our uniqueness. I want you close. I want you to touch me and hold me and reassure me. And so the fact that he would just go missing, like, it caused me to panic in ways I've never panicked before. And so all I know is, come close. Please be with me. Oh my gosh, we got to be close. You can't leave me. And he's going, yeah, you, you better back up. And thankfully we were able to, you know, understand these principles of contrast and how unique they are to each of us at that point in time. And then as we took some space and I allowed him space and I took some space to understand, geez, rather than worry about. Right what he's going to do, maybe I really need to kind of reconsider things for myself. Let's let me get clear here. What I want to point out about our story is so many times in our relationships, we are so busy trying to figure out our partners that we don't figure out ourselves. And that was certainly my problem. I was trying to enroll Tom in the idea of how wonderful and how great and how incredible this could be, in spite of everything that we were being called to take on. And instead I didn't take time to figure out me, does this work for me? Is this going to work? Is this something that I feel like we can venture in together? And what do I need and what's going on for me and what's not working for me and what do I need to ask for? Which are all principles of contrast. And so the space was actually brilliant. It gave us both time to consider where we were individually as people before we tried to put it together in a relationship, co creating life together. And so the space was really good. And then there was this incredible, profound moment that came about when both of us took some time. I ended up staying at my daughter's house for a while because she needed the help. That's where I was called to be anyway. And there was a phone call that happened and I. I want you to tell that part of the story.

Yeah, well, you know, for me it was just like, you know, hey, this is not what I expected. But at the end of the day, you know, I just said, am I willing to. If this is not going to, you know, work out, is that going to be okay for me? Meaning, would I. How would my life be if I didn't have Stacy in it? And I really sat with that, and I came to the very clear conclusion. Conclusion that that wouldn't work. So I need to step in and take all of this on. Wasn't what I expected, but, you know, welcome to the life experience. And it was really clear from. From that vantage point, it was very, very simple. I would say simple. Not easy, necessarily simple for me to decide, no, I'm not willing to. I can't imagine my life without Stacy. And so let's put our heads together and continue to create permission and safety. Again, you. You all hear us say that over and over. The two most important things. I just. We're just on a train ride from my birthday. I'll share that. But the young man said, tom, what's, you know, what's the secret? I said, what the secret is, Adam, is permission and safety between you and your lover. That's the secret. You can navigate anything if you have those two things.

Well, and. And this experience that we're sharing with you put our permission and safety on steroids. Like, we realized and recognized that this was the most important thing that we could protect and that we needed to keep our eye on for the long haul. Because if there was safety to share, then we could share the difficult stuff as well as the hopes and dreams that we are continuing to pursue as we navigate some very, very tumultuous waters.

And as that contrast is happening and you're able to identify within you what has changed. There was radical change on what we had just shared. The important distinction here is when you're sharing that, you're sharing that from a place of. I. So I did not realize this was going to be part of what we were going to be navigating that, you know, because when we stay with I, you're sharing truly what's going on for you, and you're not becoming accusational or accusing towards your partner, because, let's be honest, who wants to step into a place where they're feeling like they're ganged up on?

Well, this is a very important part that I appreciate you bringing up, babe, because we need to figure ourselves out and share where we are, because the reality is we don't have the intel of experiences of this principle of contrast for our partners. And, boy, do we think we have it all figured out. Don't we? And we spend so much time trying to figure out our partners that we never take the time to figure out ourselves. And that's so key, especially when it comes to the principle of contrast. And if we don't do that, then when we come to the table to share, I have nothing to share about myself and I attack where my partner is coming from. And it makes it very, very difficult for us to be open, to disclose, to be vulnerable, etc. And that's where we fight instead of make progress. We also try and avoid a, you know, hurting somebody's feelings or, or not disappointing them. And that happens as well. But what we don't realize is if we don't lay that. That card on the table about where I am and where I'm not and take what I say, the punch up front, we end up living in pain for the long haul continuously. Because the contrast for us about what doesn't work and what does is not going to stop. And I will continue to feel the pain of. This doesn't work for you? This doesn't work for you. You're not liking this? You're going along with this. Why didn't you say something? Okay, this is going to become a problem. And we can do a really good job of pushing that down initially, but as that plays out over weeks and months and years, pretty soon it becomes really raw and I become very oversensitive to it. And I don't even know why, because I'm not taking the time to explore myself. I'm just thinking about trying to get you to comply and conform to what I think is most important, what I think is valuable, how I want this to go, and I need to coerce you into making me feel better. So it becomes a game of manipulation, a game of control, a game of push, pull, where I'm trying to enroll you into my side and you're trying to do the same for me. Hence the fighting and the cycles of. Of fighting where we never get any better. That's very different from a conversation around. This is where I'm at. This is where I go. This is what I'm experiencing. What are you experiencing? Tell me what's happening for you. And unless we allow the space and the safety to take hold there, we will continuously fight instead of understand ourselves and our partners in new and profound ways. Yeah.

And it's gonna definitely. This is where what we like, you know the title of this week's episode, where this is where our relationship health is absolutely going to denigrate. It is Going to spiral down. So if I. If you can leave with anything again when you're sharing this place of gosh, yeah, no, I am realizing I'm in a much different place than I was, however long it was ago, because that's all of us. Center your sharing around the I statement and then extend that gift and opportunity to your partner. And so then you're not coming from a place of accusation and pointing fingers.

This is just where I am. This is just what I'm noticing. This is what I see works for me and doesn't work and what doesn't work for you. And this is how we begin to step into that idea of teaching our partners how to love us best. And if I'm required to translate my own thoughts and feelings into a language that first I can understand, that truly is the gift that I contribute to my partner and vice versa, then sharing and communication and time together becomes about understanding instead of who's right and who's wrong and who's got it figured out and who doesn't. Because the reality is we all feel like our contrast and what we're expressing, experiencing is the right way.

So share with us, babe. The. You use this with our private clients. The. The balloon analogy with specific to. Because sometimes people hear permission and safety. And again, you know, I'm emphatic about this. Physical safety goes without saying. That's not what we're talking about. We're talking about emotional safety. But share the balloon analogy with us. So I think everyone can get their arms around.

Yeah. Tom's highlighting the idea in our comments. Contrast as it's playing out to create the safe place to share our contrast, to lay our cards on the table. And safety is so paramount. This is where you want to keep your eye on the ball. Because if we don't feel emotionally safe to share and disclose some of those things that are sometimes really hard to share, let's be honest, that's never going to go away either. Right. There are going to be some cards and the contrast that you need to lay down about what doesn't work for you that are going to make your armpits sweat. Right? They're going to make your knees feel like they're a little shaky at times, and we need to have the safety to just go there. And this is where a lot of our communication frameworks will start to play out here in the work that we do. But we can't even go there until we understand the principle of contrast and how to emotionally work with me, myself, where I go, what Happens inside of myself emotionally. And so safety becomes paramount and important. And the analogy that I love, love, love, love is it takes effort and time to build safety. And safety is literally, at its core, just permission. Permission for me to feel the way I feel and permission for you to feel differently. Permission for you to have the same experience. This is where I'm at. This is how I'm feeling. This is what I'm thinking. And I know that it's probably different on your side of the table. And rather than try and figure that out, I want to create a safe place for you to share that. So, babe, you. You tell me where you're at. And these are the conversations that Tom and I have all the time. And this. This matchy matchy idea that we become panicked about. Guys and gals, we are never on the same page realistically, because what I'm experiencing as a human being and what my partner is experiencing are very different things. These are composites of what I have experienced and been through long before you probably came together as a couple. And so I go certain places, I start, I. I feel certain things that are very, very independent of you and our relationship, and we don't share those things anymore. And so this is what I call our internal movie, which is a byproduct of our contrast. Our internal movies are simply how we script our lives. The narrative that we use to explain, this is where I am. This is what's happening, and this is how I got there. And what's interesting about our internal movies that come from the contrast that we experience in our lives is when we understand them, they always make sense. The problem is we don't understand them. We don't understand why our partners do what we do. We completely understand why we do what we do because we understand the internal movie. We are creating the internal movie, so to speak. And so communication really, at its core, needs to be coming from a place of understanding. And that's a hard period. Communication is not to enroll or manipulate or coerce or control or belittle or to criticize. Those are all things that, in the end, sacrifice the safety to share. And without emotional safety to share what's playing out on my movie with my contrast, we will all clamp up like you have never seen before. We will not share. So our relationships become very surface, very practical. We are checking boxes, we're. We're doing the activities that we feel like good, you know, spouses do good, partners do. We take, we trash out. We pay the bills, we drop off the kids, we clean the house. We. We have our Friday night date, and yet there is no emotional connection because we are not. Not sharing ourselves emotionally anymore.

So again, back to that balloon then. So what would the metaphor that you use, which I think is really helpful. What? So safety in. In a very literal sense, as far as a balloon is what?

Well, so imagine a latex balloon. And through each conversation, we share, and we're very mindful about not criticizing, belittling, betraying, minimizing, which is challenging for us because that's what we've been taught to do. Most of us, there's an unwinding there because that's what we've been taught to do. But as we do that with every round, right, we get more and more clear about my own personal contrast and my own personal movie and narrative about my own life. I'm literally like breathing air into that latex balloon. And it takes time and it takes effort and it takes patience one blow at a time. And when I inflate that latex balloon, notice it's really easy to maintain that. And if some does eek out a little bit, it only takes a. To reinflate it again and we're okay. What we unknowingly do is we really sacrifice the safety when we don't understand the principle of contrast and how to shift, share and talk about our contrast and our movies with our partners. And what ends up happening is we sit down to have a conversation and we go, I can't believe you would go there. Or, why is it you can't be home more? Or, oh my gosh, I can't believe you would go there again, right? And just like letting go of that latex balloon, all the safety has just left the room and everybody starts to clam up and withdraw, right? And that's. That's going in the wrong direction. So if you ever want to know the health and safety of your relationship, all we need to look to is how safe do you feel to share and express the contrast of what works for you and what doesn't in your relationship? And if I keep focus there, if safety. And it's so funny because, you know, in the world where I come from, you know, in business and corporate America, you know, there's this saying that always says safety first. And safety is so first when it comes to our relationships, because without that emotional safety, and like Tom said, we're going to assume that physical safety is already in place. If not, we need to address that first. But as we're growing our relationships and trying to get them Back on track. The emotional safety is what we want to protect, because that is everything. Without it, we will not share our contrast. We will not explore our movies. We will not share our movies. And hence, the connection that we once experienced in the beginning of our relationship will continue to break down. I call it the race to the bottom.

And I would say every new conversation you have with this new awareness and understanding would be those initial breaths into that balloon. All of us have blown, you know, balloon up. And in the beginning, you know, it's like, hey, doesn't seem like I'm making much progress, you know, and then a little bit more. A few more breaths and a few. Then you start to make progress. So eat. Just view that as each conversation you have in a new way. Where you coming from this place of I hear how I am feeling, here's what I didn't expect again. And extending that privilege and honor to your partner. You know, you continue to keep that balloon.

A little more air, a little more.

You know, a little more safety, a little more permission. And then when we make some backtracks, which we're going to, you know, some of it can come out or all of it can come out. Well, that's okay. Then you can, you know, start again. But that. That. That's analogy that seems to be very helpful and put. Gets people have their arms around this place because this is a different place than what you often hear outside of this conversation.

Yeah. And recognize and accept that relationship takes work. And that work is a composite of engagement and time. And so many times we feel like we just need to get this problem solved without realizing, hey, we can talk about and explore where I go personally in that challenge or in that problem many, many, many times. And every round counts. It really does. So if it takes 20 times to get through it to a new place of understanding, if it takes us 50 times to get through it, that's okay. Because as a result, as a byproduct, you're becoming more clear in understanding about you as a person and becoming more clear and understanding your partner as a person. And that's what creates the unfolding connection. Whether we're sharing the parts of the contrast that are exciting and wonderful and I can't wait and we're dreaming together, or I'm sharing the parts that I'm really, really struggling with and that are hard for us and that, you know, I'm stuck in and this is where I am. And to just have somebody allow that permission to be where you are and feel the way you feel and for you to give that gift to your partner, that's huge. That's what builds the safety. And you find that as you start to play with this, as you get more clear about what contrast is playing out for you, knowing it's going to change. You don't get yourself stuck in a place where you can't change your mind and things don't roll over and you don't put your partner in that place either. And then you start to be able to go deeper and you start to be able to have an easier time of working through the inevitable challenges that are going to play out in your relationship. And once we understand these principles, then we've got to be able to willingly run the miles. We have to practice because this is something you're going to get good at over time with practice. And as you begin today, just start thinking about what works for you and what doesn't, how things have changed over time. What are the things that you would love to be able to freely speak about and explore in your relationship. And then we can be ready to step into some of the communication that will be helpful in how to say what we need to say without. Right. Shutting the conversation down and sacrificing that safety. I know that's a lot to take in today. Right. I hope that your takeaways are you recognize the importance and the principle of contrast, that you realize it's unfolding all the time, that you understand and realize why we go to time and conversation as a go to. It's because we know we need to spend time there in order to re establish our connection. And that's true. And safety is of the utmost important when it comes to relational health that without it we can't spend time. We won't spend time and we won't have the ability to share what it is that's going on inside of me. That permission is gone. And by the way, last and and exclamation point, what's happening for you inside of you with your principal contrast is always different than what your partner's is. And as much as you think you have it figured out, I would behoove you to allow them to tell you about that instead. After all, you don't have access to the intel that they do. Okay, we're going to take a quick break. We're going to come back with a little fun. Hey babe. Did you know that the average couple spends only two hours a day with each other? And the majority of that time is spent eating, watching TV and surfing social media rather than connecting with each other. And if children are involved, my gosh, it's even less time than that.

I know babe. That's why you created our conversation cards for connection. Because they're the perfect conversation starter. So the next time you're sitting on a couch, rather than turning on the TV or grabbing your phone, pull out a card and get ready for some good old fashioned laughter and loving connection.

Yeah. You can get your cards@staceybartley.com find our.

App in the Apple App Store or Google Play Store and take us with you wherever you go. Alternative Talk AM 11:50.

Welcome back inside of Love Shack Time and Stacy. We're going to step right into follow the fun. What is the fun? We are following Mrs. Bartley.

Oh yes. Well, because we're talking about the importance of time, I thought it might be fun to put this time conversation in a fun context because it is about creating the time. And here's the thing. Time and effort expended are usually more appreciated than the money spent.

You know, I'll give you a great recent example, Stacy. I love trains. I'm not sure where that comes from. I love trains. So on my birthday Stacy said we're gonna go on a, a local train ride. I didn't even know it existed. A hours where you have some wine and look at the beautiful countryside. But what was most special about that is Stacy took, you know, the, the time and the interest and to find this. I didn't even. And I've lived here for many long years longer than Stacy. So it was meant a lot to me that she would go and, and seek that out and plan that for me. That was huge. I mean, I mean the event was fun but just the intention of it and, and what, what it took to, to pull it off was really, really, really meant a lot to me.

Me. So let's explore ways that we can share more time together. And there's a couple of things that I would just in hope that, that we can do differently, which is don't go grocery shopping on Friday night. This is a time for you to relax and share the week with each other. So take that time, make it important and don't do your laundry on Sunday or Saturday mornings. Those are great opportunities for us to take our time to slow down and, and make some love. Slowly, intently. Share some coffee together, take a long walk together. Utilize those and times to your advantage when it comes to your relationship.

Yeah, you can save some time by shopping online. You reorganize time by, you know, organizing your chores and errands, together so you can be more efficient.

Yeah, absolutely. And you can hire people. I mean, even, like, younger people. It doesn't even have to be professionals that are wanting to make a few bucks to, like, mow the grass and do some of the yard work or even head to the grocery store with you so that you can create more time to do some of these things that we talk about here in the show. And you know what, babe? You can find time by planning together. So plan together. Understand what's happening on everybody's calendar. And when you have these moments to meet for a quick lunch or, you know, meet after work for a quick, you know, drink or bottle of wine or share of a favorite beverage, these are the things that really create the moments that matter most. So take them.

Get on our fun list. Every week, you know, the first Thursday, first show, every, every month, we do a giveaway. And so get on our fun list. You can find all, all about that on our website.

Yeah, with time on our side, you can break out of ruts, plan some fun, and take time to make love, which is what we all know we need to do.

Speaking of time, we are now into the last part of this episode as we land and Mrs. Bartley, what are we feeling this week?

This is a song that we choose for every single episode that we have ever done. And today I love this song is so delightful. And because we've been talking about, right, this contrast and how it plays out, there's a wonderful song by Michael Frante who says, life is better with you. And this was the realization that Tom and I came to that life is better with you. And even though we're going through a lot of challenges, it's better with you. And so let's figure a way through this. He says in his song, every day is not Valentine's Day, but you make the boast of it. And life is just better with you. And some days are better than others, but these days, life is still better with you. And it's such a delightful song and the video is incredible. So I encourage you to pull it up on YouTube. It really is a great experience of what's possible when we learn how to share the contrast that we are experiencing individually and come to that realization. Conclusion Illusion. Life is really better with you, babe.

Absolutely, absolutely.

Wouldn't change a thing. So check out this week's song. You can do that on our website. We have a Spotify playlist to make it easy for you to experience and feel what it is we've talked about today. In regards to the realm of contrast. So that's it for this week's episode of Love Shack Live. And if by chance you have a conversation about sex, love and relationships you would like to hear us talk about or a question you would like us to answer, we really are committed to having the conversations that matter most to you. So again, you can do that on our website as well. Special thank you to you, our listeners. It's so fun to see the show grow and downloads and thank you so much for sharing it with your friends and family. That means the world to us as we spread this message and create more love in the world.

And a special thank you to kknw, the entire team and our incredible producer, Eric Buress. Thank you so much. And if you need some assistance to maybe talk about this contrast with your partner, reach out to us and you get on our list for our book launch. Lifetimeoflove Me. We're going to be having some fun specials right out of the gate. It's going to be free for some few days after the launch. You don't want to miss that. And until next time, we will see you.

Come on back next week and join us as we have more conversations right here in the Love Shack. Until we see you again. Have an incredible bye bye for now. We'll be in touch soon.

Thanks for joining us today in the Love Shack. We hope you came away with something that made your toes tingle. To learn more about everything you heard on today's show, go to Stacy bartley.com podcast love the show. Help us spread the love by sharing the show with others. Okay, everybody, time to go. We gotta close the doors to the Love Shack for this week. You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here. Come back next week though and join us for another edition of Love Shack Live with Tom and Stacey Bartley.