#76: How to Deal with the Emotional Pain of Love and Relationships

Hey, thanks for coming. Welcome to the Love Shack.

Hey. Welcome to the Love Shack. It's a little place where we get to get together, explore fresh perspectives and eavesdrop on juicy conversations as we discover the things that really matter while having a little bit of fun along the way. This is episode number 676 and we're going to be talking about how to deal with emotional pain and love in our relationships.

Absolutely. Inside the Love Shack. Today we're going to be sharing chapters five and six with Stacy's new upcoming book and it's going to be launching here next week if you're listening live. So you don't want to miss that.

We're often told at a young age that emotional pain is bad and should be avoided at all costs. But what if emotional pain can actually help us grow? What a crazy, radical thought, right? What if there are ways for us to use our emotional pain to a huge advantage towards who it is we have the capacity to be?

Absolutely. Today in the Love Shack, Stacey and I are going to teach you how to deal with the emotional pain of love and relationships. And we're going to discuss why emotional pain is not something that we can avoid and help you find the nuggets of gold from it. I know. Stay with us. We're going to help you understand that and provide you with some tips for managing it in a very healthy way.

Hi, we're Tom and Stacey Bartley. For those of you who are new to this show, welcome. It is great to have you here with us and a shout out to all of our regular listeners. We send you all some love for helping us promote the show and spread some love around. We are committed to helping couples rescue their relationships so that they can finally create long lasting love without having to spend hours analyzing their past experiences, beating themselves up or their partners, or feeling like they are making no progress in their relationships whatsoever. We do this via sharing our unique frameworks, teaching new skills and tools, one on one sessions and through our signature courses Relationship Rescue and Love for a Lifetime. It is great to be here with you. Stay tuned as we are going to expand your paradigm and perspective in regards to all this emotional hubbub about feelings. We'll be right back.

I met Stacy and Tom about two years ago. I was at a point in my relationship where I was ready to file for divorce. Not that I wanted to, but I just felt hopeless and helpless. I'd been through other counseling and coaching and didn't find any success. With Stacy and Tom's methods, I was able to eliminate insecurities, set boundaries, plant my flag, eliminate rabbit holing. I was separated from my wife for a year and I have since moved back home for the last six months now. I still refer back to a lot of the teaching that Stacy and Tom provided and it's helped me. It's well worth it.

Learn the simple three step system to rescue your struggling relationship by registering for Stacy's brand new free workshop. Reserve your seat by going to staceybartley.comworkshop.

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Hey babe, did you know that the average couple spends only two hours a day with each other and the majority of that time is spent eating, watching TV and surfing social media rather than connecting with each other? And if children are involved, my gosh, it's even less time than that.

I know babe. That's why you created our conversation cards for Connection. Because they're the perfect conversation starter. So the next time you're sitting on a couch rather than turning on the TV or grabbing your phone, pull out a card and get ready for some good old fashioned laughter and loving connection.

Yeah, you can get your cards@stacybartley.com walking your talk.

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Welcome back. We are Tom and Stacy Bartley, host of Love Shack Live. Great to have you inside the love shack. We've got our engineer, Eric Ryder at Spaceship kknw. We are talking about chapters five and six of Stacy's upcoming book which is called Are you feeling like your marriage is dead Now? Just take a pause. The subtitle, which is very compelling and important, is A divorce mediator's guide to ensuring a lifetime of love. And you can find all about all about that. Excuse me, that was a tongue twister at lifetimeoflove me. When it launches, it's going to be free on Amazon for the first five days. So just go ahead and sign up and we'll let you know when it's available to download.

Yeah, and since we're talking about this right now, before we dive into our topic Here there is going to be a tremendous amount of resources that are available through the book, so you could literally turn your relationship around if you were to get the book for free and then dive into the resources on that page. Just to give you a super tip here today, what we're going to dive into in the heart of a matter is we are all experiencing emotional pain because it's part of being human. And especially when we experience it in our romantic relationships, it can cause us to do a bit of reeling, and there's a reason for that. But how are we supposed to manage it? And is it even possible to manage this? And so today we're going to discuss how to stop feeling like your emotional pain is derailing your life and your relationship. We're going to also provide you with some tips and tricks for managing it in the most productive way possible. The truth is, you and I have always had the capacity to do this. The problem is we have simply never been taught how to effectively utilize what I call our human navigation system. So today we're going to dive into helping you understand what your human navigation system is. So that time we're done with this episode in the love shack, you're going to be able to start implementing it into your own life. So here's the truth. Emotional pain is normal. It's something that we all experience as a human being. And there are reasons why we find it to be so difficult and it can become so paralyzing and confusing and unsettling.

And I would say that over our years of working, and we're blessed and privileged to do so with our private clients, you correct me if I'm wrong, babe. This is an area that when you are to explain and share with our clients how we're. How we are wired as human beings, and we're going to get into that. But most of us, when we experience emotional pain, I would say the majority of us, we. We. We flee. I mean, we run. We do everything we can to suppress it. And what we want you to know first and foremost. And again, I'm always the common sense person because I'm living with this woman. And it's not quite as easy for me to get my arms around it as it is, Stacy, is this is a very normal process. There's nothing to be afraid of or think that something's wrong or you pick the wrong partner or your always are to be, you know, jinxed, if you will. This is very, very normal. And to think otherwise is, quite frankly, you're kind of living in the Land of Santa Claus.

Well, and, and we've been taught to live in that land because we are not taught a lot about our. Our emotional body or our human navigation system. And you know, ladies and gentlemen, that's. That's a persp. Squashing it about wanting to set it aside about, you know, give me the data, give me the facts. That's an example of my wonderful husband, who is very thought provoking. He's very analytical, he's very logical. So guess which one is the emotional person in the relationship. Me. Right. And this highlights the navigation system perfectly. Now, not only is this present in all relationships, it's also present in each and every one of you. So here's the thing. While pain can seem like a negative thing, and we've been taught that emotional pain is, you know, I. The saying that comes to my mind that many of my clients have shared with me is, if you're going to cry, I'm going to give you something to cry about. Anybody relate to that one? As though emotional pain or the place that I'm feeling, where I'm at and what I'm crying about is never to be discussed, it's never to be explored, and it's never to be understood.

And let me just interject. Please understand and hear me clearly. I am not at all saying that emotional pain, yes, it's normal, but yes, it is painful. That. Absolutely. I am not trying to say that. You know, just blow it up. No, no, no. But we can learn, and this is the intent of this episode, to learn to use this as a navigation system. So to learn to navigate through this painful situation is what it's all about. So absolutely, believe me, I'm right there with you. I am not at all trying. Please. Emotional pain is. Some of it can literally bring you to your knees. And it has me and it has Stacy. So I'm not trying to say that, but rather than thinking that we're, you know, we're one of only a few, this is a very, very normal process. And we want you to. To expand your paradigm and understand how you can use it to learn and grow and practice and help you become stronger yourself as well as your partner.

Absolutely. The truth is our emotions are communicating to us on the daily almost minute by minute, what works for us and what doesn't work, we can then begin to use them constructively once we understand and embrace the simple truth. And by doing this, they will actually help to make us stronger. So allow us to right now, drum roll, please. Explore our human navigation system. See Yahoo.

That's our engineer, he doesn't miss a beat.

So your human navigation system is comprised of your physical body and brace yourself. An emotional body that's just as real as your physical body is. With one exception. Your emotional body is invisible. It's something we feel and experience, and so that's why it gets negated very, very often.

That's why it's very, very shifty.

It can be very shifty. But our physical body, we primarily use that to live life because it makes sense to us as human beings. We can touch it, we can feel it, we can measure it, we can compare it, we can analyze it, we can test it, we can do lots of things with our physical bodies. And okay, if you and I are going to have a discussion, it's going to be much easier if we pull out evidence if we, we do a test, if we gather our friends and get their perspectives right. These are all physical examples of where I end and you begin. And we're going to come to some kind of a conclusion based on logic. Okay, Easy peasy. In relationships, though, that's not where our problems lie. Although we fight through that lens. Our problems lie in the emotional experiences. In my emotional body, my emotional body is invisible. Don't discount it though, because so is oxygen and it's pretty important. It's not something that we can tangibly measure, although we would love to. It's something we feel. And so when we feel connection, it's a feeling thing. We can also understand when our connection between two people starts to atrophy. We understand that. Right? That makes sense to us because it's a feeling experience. Our emotional bodies are fluid. And as Tom said, you use the word shifty, I would say dynamic. They can shape shift on us and they can time travel forwards or backwards in a nanosecond. And so we all have an emotional body and we all have a physical body. And thank goodness for us as human beings that if we understand how the physical body works, it gives us a huge leg up in regards to how our emotional bodies work. Because they're very similar. They're same same. Probably until this moment, you didn't really give it a name as an emotional body, but it is. We all have one etherical body, emotional body, spiritual body. We have lots of different names. And guess what's so fascinating for me is if you were to dive into the world of anthropology, you would find that every cult, every tribe, every country, every religion has a name for this emotional body that we refer to. So different names, similar experience as A human being navigating it from day to day. Makes sense.

Yes. Yes. Okay, so could you say the invisible but very important part of our, of our daily experience?

Absolutely. That's your emotional body. Now when it comes to us as human beings, we have a developed navigation system usually on one side or the other. We're either very logical, analytical, we want this to make sense, we want to be strategic. You know, I don't necessarily value the emotional experience as a human being because I know that it's gotten me into trouble, it's created problems, it's created fights. Right. It sends me on these paths that were unexpected, expected. All of a sudden I'm in a place I didn't realize we're having a conversation I don't want to have. Like we understand its ability to take us places that maybe we didn't really want to go or we didn't see coming. And so because of its unpredictable nature, we tend to shy away from it. Enough said.

Yeah. So the, the kind of, in your, in your well regarded or well identified personality test and such that that if you're logical you would be more of a left brain person.

Yes, absolutely. And, and I'm, I'm smart and I want it to make sense and I want to do it based on the data and I want to research and I, I want this to be.

Would you say I'm, I'm a left brain person?

Yes. And I am, you're also a very emotional person. When we can swipe, flip the switch. And that's the thing I want to highlight here. All of us have both of these components. Whether they're developed to their capacity or not is entirely. We all have the ability to do this, we all have the capacity to do this. But, but we have to develop the ability to go both ways. Right. We want to develop the ability to go both ways in my navigation system because that's where I find a sense of balance. The emotions don't necessarily, you know, freak me out. I can go there, I can share with you there and babe, you absolutely have the ability to do that. And, and then if, if and when necessary I can go to the log because here's the other side. So one side of the navigation system is the logic, the strategy, the process, this how it's going to go, type or side of ourselves, that's our thinking side, our brain side, our physical side. The other side is the emotional side. And probably all of us in our sphere of influence know people who drowned in their emotions. It's so emotional. We can't make any progress. You know, it's so emotional that sometimes it gets crazy and it doesn't, it doesn't move the needle. And we're like, oh my gosh, time out right now. Right. And that's, that's an overdeveloped emotional side of the equation as well. Right. So we all know somebody like that. What's interesting is in our navigation system, if we can really understand its service to us, we would understand that. When I'm emotionally drowning, I need to get more logical. I need to make a decision. I need to take some action. Right. I need to get going instead of continuing to dive into these emotions deeper and deeper. If I'm too logical, I'm running around like a crazy person with a to do list and a task lift that's a 37 miles long. And I don't even want to stop and think about how this makes me feel or what works for me emotionally or what's going on in that side of myself. And so I run around with a daily to do list that is like astronomical. And I get out of balance either direction. The last thing I want to do is sit down and spend some time with my emotions. Like that seems crazy. Why would, like, why would anybody do that?

And would you say that when we are pressed certainly on the emotional spectrum of our life experience, whatever side of the human navigation system that we err on or lean to, we're going to.

Default to that 100% and you're, you're pointing to. We're gonna, we're gonna step into that conversation. But just notice where you live right now. Are you more on the emotional side or are you more on the logical?

And what would be. And let's say someone say I'm not really quite sure what would be like a good quick barometer test that you could get.

You could ask yourself, well, physical logical is. I'm strategic. I want it to make sense. Emotions kind of scare me. Don't really want to go there. I notice especially as we're talking that I, I am busy. I am creating. Right. I'm doing lots of activities in my physical experience. And when somebody says, hey, let's talk, let's share, let's get cushy. Cushy. Uchi. Uchi. You go, oh, I don't know about that.

So the logical person right now in this very minute could be multitasking while they're listening or watching us.

100 yeah, absolutely. They're out looking for answers for their relationship. But please don't tell Me, how does that make you feel? Like my brain is gonna go, I'm gonna blow a gasket.

And then if you're on the other side, on the emotional side, the human.

Navigation system, the other side is, please, you know, tell me how you feel. I just want to know how you feel. I don't want to hear about all the logic. I just, I just, it would mean so much to me and I just, I can't do it because it makes me feel such and such a way, or I don't feel good about it, or I can't go there. And so those are old truths. And I might even be in a place where maybe I'm struggling with a lot of anxiety, where I'm struggling with a lot of depression, and I'm kind of drowning in all this emotional fodder. We, we get, drown that. And then I stay there and I don't realize my counterbalance is to do something physical. Which brings me to pointing out in our navigation system, they are the counterbalances. And I believe that we should learn this stuff when we're little kids. And if I have my way with my legacy while I'm here alive on this planet, I'm going to ensure that this changes because it is so critically important to understand that you do have a navigation system and it will support you like this. If it makes sense and it feels good, we take a step and go forward. If it doesn't make any sense but feels good, maybe I need to get some more understanding and clarity, or maybe I know that this is just what's best and I can't make any sense of it and I move forward. If it doesn't make right feel good at all and makes a lot of sense, I want to get some more clarity, gain some more understanding before I move forward. This what doesn't work and what does work for me, emotional side of the equation, the brain is an incredible helper to help us create the strategy, but a horrible barometer in regards to where am I and what works for me and doesn't work for me emotionally. So I need both to counterbalance and find a sense of what we would say, peace, balance inside of ourselves. Because without it, we're always going to feel out of kilter.

So let me, let me just. So back up a few sentences there. So if I heard you correctly, and just to make sure for the listeners that we're tracking you, you gave a couple different scenarios. And what I heard is so whatever, wherever we lean, you know, more naturally or more typically, if that's feeling right from that side of our navigation system, but unsure on the other side. That's the. That's the indicator. So in either place, whether it's logical or emotional.

Yes, exactly. So if it makes sense, I'm going to go, but I'm going to negate all the emotional repercussions of that. If I'm a logical physical person or the other way or the other way, I'm drowning in emotions and I refuse to take any action or think it through or get strategic. So we're out of balance on either side. And I just want to point out here that balance is more like a place we have to achieve through daily repetition. I want you to think of balance like brushing your teeth, taking a poop. Right. Doing the laundry, taking out the trash. Just because I had balance or a sense of balance with inside of myself yesterday doesn't mean I'm going to have it today. It's an ongoing revolution. Balance is a verb. And it's a place that I'm always going to need to reposition myself with, hence the navigation system. And so many of us make decisions, and especially in the emotional realm, which love. There couldn't be a more emotional. Right. Realm that we live in. We're good with it. In the front side, we take this magic carpet right. Emotionally. But then as time goes on, it becomes very, very logical. The emotion kind of leaves the relationship and we get into a tasking of. Did you. Did you pay this bill? Did you drop the kids off at school? Did you get the summer vacation planned? Did you take the trash out? Are you going to do the dishes? How are we going to divide these chores? And it becomes a task checking instead of an emotional sharing of experiences. Which, by the way, is what got you in this mess in the first place. Right? It's what brought you here to this life that you've been investing in physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. And without knowing that we have a human navigation system, it's really, really difficult to navigate ourselves through the challenges that are going to be inevitable. The pain that's going to be inevitable. Right? And the ability to find a sense of wonder and peace and excitement and joy that we always hope relationships bring. But oft times very much disappoints us because we don't understand this human.

Okay, so I think I've got my arms around this. And ladies and gentlemen, I've heard this many, many times. But so we've got a navigation system that. It includes both our physical body and our emotional body. Okay? That I can that, that makes sense.

To me logically and it can be a counterbalance. It needs to be a counterbalance because sometimes I need to get more emotional. That's my way through as far as coming up with my best resolutions, ideas and strategies. And I. Sometimes I need to get more emotional or, or more logical depending on where you are in your own place of balance.

But, but, but specific to the painful part parts of our relationship journey that's going to obviously fall, you know, side on or fall into the emotional part of our navigation system. And you correct me if I'm wrong, when the clients that come and see us, they have a significant or maybe whatever amount of dis. Ease in that area of their, of their navigation system and they're not sure how to, other than what they've the few skills or really lack of any skills how to navigate this. And oftentimes they're at a place of maybe breaking point or.

Absolutely. There's been so much emotional resentment, disappointment, pain, etc, finally when they can't take it anymore, they come and show up at my door and they're still trying to solve the problem, this emotional problem through a physical lens. So it, it shows up like this. We're fighting about the dishes always being left in the sink or the fact that the words you say make me feel such and such and dismantle me or you don't understand me. Right. One, in fact, a client is coming to mind right now where he's very logical. He's, he's wanting this to make sense and he doesn't have a lot of tolerance for the emotional. The wife is just wanting him to emotionally connect with her. That was that. That would be the, the greatest gift he could ever give her. And he refuses to go there. And so he's always banging on her about the division of labor and the division of duties and who's doing more and why.

That's so.

And that causes her to emotionally feel less than or minimized and he can't understand. Look, it's just logic, right? Let's just calculate the hours, let's just calculate the tasks. And he's thinking if you could just do more of these things for me through the physical lens, we're all going to feel better. And she's saying no, no, no, that can't be the answer. If you can connect with me more emotionally over here, that's absolutely going to be the answer for our relationship. And I want you to realize they're both right. They both have an input and a contribution into the relationship that it would behoove both of them to, okay, understand where the other one is coming from. But until we understand the navigation system, it's nearly impossible for us. Us to go there.

And once we understand that navigation system and when we have been triggered emotionally, which typically was how people arrive at our door, if you will, it's going to take some. Some understanding, number one, of what you've just laid out for us. And then number two, getting to this place of emotion. Because what we tend to find most people do is they argue over the circumstances or the logical side of this perceived problem when ultimately the answer is on the emotion.

Emotional side. Yes. 100. It's not so much that you left the dishes in the sink, it's the way that the dishes in the sink make me feel like now, wait a minute.

Now that make me feel statement, Mrs. Bartley, drives you crazy. So how is that appropriate in our conversation?

I know, because here's the it's true.

Crawls just like nails on a chalkboard. When typically everyone says, I don't want to go sit on someone's couch and that smelly couch, and it's old, and ask them, have them ask me how that makes me feel.

Yes, that's true. I so agree with you.

Bring some distinction there for us, the channel.

I do want to bring some distinction there because the reality is we can't just go to how does that make you feel without understanding why I'm asking you the question. It's infuriating. And so when we start to understand and uncover the human navigation system and I realize and understand, and the logic has been given its due and property credit, it's only then that maybe we can explore the emotional side of things or that we're willing to explore the emotional side of things. But if you take a logical person and you say, how does that make you feel? Their. Their head's gonna blow off. It's like, oh, come on. Then you. You totally don't get me. You don't understand me, right? You don't understand what I'm up against, and they're totally discounting you. But when you understand that, okay, wait a minute. How human beings are wired. We have a physical side, which is important. It's not to be discounted. We're not competing for which side is better. We need both. We need to develop both. Both have a contribution in. And it's really important for you to understand that regardless of which one you feel in this moment, you have highly developed like, we need both to find balance to Find a sense of self to garner a foundation in our personal lives as well as in our relationships. And so often it is so out of balance. It is so lopsided. And regardless of which side I feel like I am developing, I know I'm right. I know I'm right. I know I got this figured out. After all, I've been doing it for hundreds of years. So we say. And that's the feeling, that's the emotional side, as well as all the data and experiences that register. Yep, you're right. I'm right, you're wrong. And so we spend an awful lot of time in our relationships trying to enroll our partners into becoming more like ourselves. When in reality, you got into this relationship because you saw an aspect of yourself that you didn't develop yet, and you want some of that. And that same desire when you step into this relationship becomes your nemesis. Right. In the end, it's like, ah, I don't get you. You don't get me. Right. You've got to come to my side. And then it's going to all work out without appreciating that we need both. Like, both are so critically important.

Okay. So leading with some teaching and understanding out of the front side, if you will, of the conversation rather than just stepping right in. Okay, that makes sense. All right, so now I understand. I've got this navigation system. I've got some issues at home. Tell me now, what would be the remedy, like the aspirin or the knee is born or whatever, when we scrape our knee or fall.

Well, you're getting way ahead of yourself, Mr. Bartley. But I want to go back to the dishes analogy that we were talking about in just a minute. The reason why I said, how does that. Where do you go emotionally? Is. I want you to understand and see, it's not really about the dishes. The dishes in the sink are not the problem. But we're going to argue about the dishes in the sink without exploring the emotional side of our navigation system, which is the. What does it mean for you? Where do you go emotionally when you see the dishes in the sink?

It seems like I'm always the one that always has to do the dang dishes. Why is that?

Yeah, and go deeper.

Okay.

Emotionally, what. What do you start to make up is true about you and your relationship and your person?

It. I'm. I feel like I'm always the one that does all the. The dishes and the sweeping. And just so you know, ladies and gentlemen, that's not true at all. I'm just participating Participating here in the conversation. Stacy's incredible about keeping our house wonderful. But I feel like I'm not appreciated for all the times that I seem to do the dishes when you don't.

Exactly. And then I start to believe that you don't really care about me and I'm not important to you and you don't value my contribution to this relationship, that it gets minimized and overlooked. And I just want you to know that those are all emotions that are running this show. They are running the scene. That's the interesting part about the emotional body. We, if we want to discount it and we want to set it aside, it is what runs life. It is what gives us the motivation and desire. The moments that matter to us, they come from the emotional side of the equation. And when we discount them, we are missing a huge part of our experience as human beings. And when we fight, if we could learn that, it's not so much about the experiences that are playing out logistically, it's more about the way those logistics cause me to feel. And it's going to be some version of I'm not important. You discounted me. You don't hear what I have to say. This. I obviously don't care how I feel about this. It's always an emotional driver. Why? Because relationships are primarily emotion and their emotions inflamed flow or not.

And you may have heard us say often if you've been listening to our show, and thank you so much if you have, that we often sacrifice the circumstances versus or for the experience. And so what Stacy just shared, and again, no pointing fingers here, that's often what we think is the answer to our problem. And that's because we don't understand what we've been sharing. This whole part of this first part of our show is the navigation system. First thing Stacy says, and well, you will. When people come and says, look, it doesn't. We don't. Doesn't. No disrespect, but it doesn't matter how you got here. I mean, we don't care about the circumstances. Why is that?

Because the circumstances aren't going to see us through. You've been already arguing about the circumstances, meaning the logical aspects of your relationship. You fought about the money, you've fought about the kids, you fought about the. The family, you've fought about your vocation.

The affair.

The affair, emotional or otherwise. Right. You've pounded that into powder dust. Like you have so explored that, and yet you haven't made any progress. And so when it comes to people Coming up to our door and engaging in our programs and the work that we do. Those things really, in the end of it, I don't want to discount your experiences because I know they're hard and they're challenging and they bring up a tremendous amount of emotion. But they're not going to be the things that see you through this. It's going to be the understanding of the emotions. It's going to be understanding how you got here and where you go and sharing those things and knowing that those emotions that you're feeling are heard and understood. That's what's going to see you through. It's an emotional journey way more than it is a logical component of things. Now, I. I do want to say this. Sometimes there is a logical solution that we can implement into the emotional understanding to find our way through. So again, I don't want to. I don't want to paint the picture that emotions trump logic, because that's not true. Logic is just as important as emotions. But because we're untrained in regards to our emotional bodies, it's usually an emotional problem. And it's an emotional experience that got you into the relationship, and we sometimes discount that. It was a feeling I experienced that made me go, let's build a life together. Let's do this thing. I can't wait until we can experience this and this and this and this, and we can buy a house, we can have kids and. And, you know, we can get a fenced yard and take that trip and do all those things. I want you to realize that's an emotional driver inside of you, in your emotional body.

And would you say that a lot of. Or many or most of our clients, even the initial problem or challenge that, you know, drove them to, you know, to work with us after you're able to work with them and explain the operating system and all what we've just shared in a much deeper and repetitive manner with practice. That their initial position, thinking, that circumstance that drove them, there is a much different paradigm after this. Understanding becomes more felt and understood.

Oh, it's. It's a game changer because they. They finally go, oh, okay. Enrolling my partner into my side of the equation is not the answer. There's two. Right.

It's.

It's two sides to this story. There's two experiences with. Inside of myself to explore, and there's two people involved in this experience. So we need to expand our capacity. And that's usually where the growth is, personally, is understanding. I do have the capacity to do Both. We all do. Right. I've never met an emotional human being, or, excuse me, I've never met a human being that doesn't have an emotional component to it. And I've never met a human being that can't switch and use their brain or their logic to sort and solve problems. We have the ability to do both. Oft times, we just didn't realize what both was going to give me, which is a sense of balance, a sense of understanding, a sense of foundation, both with inside of myself and my relationship. So, Tom, I think we need to break this down a little more. And I think we can do that through the physical lens because that's the lens that we really, really understand as human beings. And the really good news about our navigation system is my emotional body work works just like my physical body. So if I understand my physical body, it gives me really good leg up in regards to where to go emotionally.

Okay.

So just so we can understand. It's. It's really not trying to trip us up or anything. Okay, so let's say for a moment I have physical pain. I cut my finger, and I cut my finger. The first thing I want you to notice, everything stops when something physical happens. Everybody goes, ha, what happened? What do you need? What's going on? And so if I'm in a room of people and I cut my finger, the room's probably going to stop. If there's just a few of us in there and they understand what's happened. If I'm in a car accident, we have traffic that gets backed up for miles, we pause and we go, oh, my gosh, what's the physical problem? And in that physical problem, I'm going to look at my cut finger and I'm going to do the next step, which is I'm going to assess it, I'm going to look at it. How deep is it? Can I handle this on my own? By the way, the pain just got my attention. And that's the, the first benefit of pain is, hey, hello, I need your attention. Like right now, something's amiss. Let's. Let's pay attention here. And so I. Everything stops. I look at my hurt finger, it's cut, and then I'm going to assess it. Is it too deep that I have to go get stitches or can I remedy this on my own? And nine times out of 10, I'm going to be able to remedy on my own. So I'm going to run it under some water, dry it off with a paper towel, put some neosporin on it, add a band aid, and then we're going to move on for the day or the evening. Okay? And I'm going to watch it though. Tomorrow morning when I get up, I'm going to probably take the band aid off, I'm going to look at it, make sure it's healing, it's going in the direction that I need it to go. Otherwise I'm going to have to come back and go, okay, wait a minute, this is getting infected. Okay. Or it's deeper than I thought. Maybe I do really need to go get some stitches today. And I'm going to raise my hand and I'm going to go get some help. And I want to point out here that we have waiting rooms in the emergency room full of people who are willing to wait 2, 3, 6, 8 hours to get help when they don't know what else to do with their physical body. The other thing that I want to point out about our physical body is we trust and know it will heal. And that's important because we know that by being active living life there are risks afoot that we are willing to accept and embrace. I would never think in my physical body that I'm not going to have pain again, ever. Especially when we start thinking about headaches and stomach aches, let alone like falling off a curb, cutting my finger while cooking. The myriad of physical pain that could be right come into my life, into my world. Experience is at large enormous. There's lots of possibilities where I put myself at risk and yet I'm okay and at peace with that. Some of that is because we have remedies for lots of physical ailments and pain. I know what to do for a headache, I know what to do for a stomachache, I know what to do when I, when I fix my finger, etc. And so I used to panic when I was younger. But I know I have remedies that have been taught to me and handed down from generation to generation. So I don't panic anymore. I simply just go apply the remedy. I watch it, I reassess it, right? And then at some point in time, I know it's going to heal and I let it go. I'm done with it.

So I know where you're leading. I don't know if many of us, in all fairness to be what we would like to say in the spirit of full disclosure. I don't know if we take that same remedy approach to our emotional pain. I think a lot us don't even realize that there are that myriad of remedies available.

Oh my goodness. So that's where absolutely I'm going. Let's look at how we handle our emotional pain in comparison.

Pretty small toolbox, I bet. If one at all or if there isn't even.

What do we do with our emotional pain?

Stuff it or. Or overwhelm tsunami people with it?

Does anybody stop? Is there a group of people? Does the dinner party stop? No, of course not. That would be crazy. We would go. That's ridiculous. Do I assess it? If I'm if an emotionally developed person in my navigation system, I'm going to spend a lot of time with it, processing it down for sure. But I'm going to get stuck there because the reality is I don't have a lot of remedies and I didn't know to watch it and I didn't know even begin to understand how to let it go. I also want to point out that we don't trust our emotional bodies to heal like our physical bodies do. Like we don't think that we can move on from things that are really, really emotionally difficult and challenging. And I want you to know. Absolutely we can. Absolutely. We have the capacity to do that. We don't often heal from those things though, because we keep re injuring it unknowingly. We keep obsessing about it. And the other thing that's interesting about our emotional experiences is we feel that we can't let go of the emotional pain because if we do, then it's going to ensure that it happens again. And what we don't realize is that actually if you don't let go of it, you're ensuring that it's going to happen again. You just keep yourself in pain much longer if you hang on to it and not let it go because you've just eliminated the piece of repose or take a breath right in the ebb and flow of life. That's a hard one for us to get our head around. The letting go part, the trusting is going to heal. Knowing that you have the capacity, the intelligence and the ability to heal and move on from emotional pain, let alone have no remedies. What are your thoughts there?

No, it makes perfect logical sense. You know, why is it, you know, in working with our clients, do you find that it takes a lot of practice? I would. What comes to mind immediately, as I should ask that question is because we simply have never done it very often.

Often. Well, yeah, we've never practiced. We've not had this conversation. Yeah. And that's why I say this, this has got to change. We have to understand that emotional pain is a part of life. Just as you wouldn't think that you're going to step out into the physical experiences of life and not have pain at some point in time. So it is with our emotional bodies. That is normal and natural. It does not mean that you screwed it up, maybe you made mistakes, but they're always recoverable. They really are. Unless I continue to blame and criticize myself or my partner.

So in expanding, excuse me for expanding our toolbox then. So let's, as we start to land this heart of the matter part of our show, what, give people some really, really great remedies that they can put into their life right now.

Yeah, absolutely. Well, I'm going to do better than that. I'm going to give you steps for handling your emotional pain. And before I do, I want you to understand where it is. We typically go with our emotional pain because we all have a survival skill. Just like we have a survival skill with our physical well being. We all have a survival skill with our emotional body. And that survival skill is one of two. We're either going to switch into control. And control usually happens for those who are of the more logical, statistical. Right, get her done. Kind of side of the equation. They'll go to a place of control where they're going to push the agenda, they're going to do the research, they're going to figure it all out and they're going to insist that we do it this way. Okay? Control is where I step in. I take charge. Right. And, and I'm going to push my agenda and I really don't care what anybody else has to say about it. The other side of this is collapse and collapses. I acquiesce, I check out, I, I go, whatever you want to do, I don't care anymore. I'm tired of trying to get my point across. And we bottom out there and that.

Would be people that typically are on the more emotional side of the scale.

Well, and, and what's interesting to note, and I find this very fascinating because I love my work is typically there's a controller and a collapser in every relationship. I call that the perfect match. Not because you're going to ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after, but they're the counterbalances to each other. So fascinating to note that two controllers, as they say. The fights are epic and so is the sex. They're not going to probably go the long haul because it's a very explosive relationship. Two Collapsers, not much is going to happen. They could sustain a long relationship, but it's not going to be filled with a lot of right, life living emotional memories. Because everybody's flatlining, nobody wants to talk about it. It's the place where we have the too nice relationship. Everybody doesn't want to hurt anybody else's finger or feelings or be disrespectful. So nobody says anything and shows up anywhere. Okay, so. So typically those relationships don't do very well. But the ones that are trying to really work on it, see it through, grow it into something that's amazing, they know they have the capacity to do that is going to be some component of this control and collapse. I do want to point out that those control and collapse experiences are survival mode. Survival mode doesn't solve a problem. Survival mode does. Buys you time, time to figure it out, to understand it.

So expanding our toolbox outside of just those two, you know, remedies, which they're really not remedies, they're. They're survival mechanisms. What, as we land this, what, what are, what can people add?

Yeah. So I want to give you, just as we do looking at our physical body, we're going to take those same remedies and invite you to contemplate them and implement them into your own life. Right. One at a time. And step one would be, because we have to counterbalance this run around, do something fast, make a decision now, which is usually not the best idea. We don't want to feel the emotional pain. So we'll make dramatic decisions in the now instantaneously. When it comes to love and relationships, usually the button we push is, I can't do this anymore. This relationship is over. If we don't turn this around, we're going to break up, I'm going to end this, we're going to get a divorce. And we make those decisions in the haste of an emotional moment without any understanding and clarity to it. So the first thing we need to do is sit your butt down and we need to breathe. And the reason why is that connects to your navigation system. The next thing we need to do is assess what's going on. And this is going to be, remember we're talking about an emotion here. What hurts? What pain are you dealing with right now? What's not working? And once I have that, instead of staying stuck there, which is what most of us do, is we just ruminate about the pain. We want to find a remedy. We want to find something that will help us move on and move forward. To take a next best step, a step forward is always going to be better than hanging out where we are. So anything will do. And most of us have no remedies in our filing cabinet. Like, that cabinet is empty. So hence we start to understand why we panic. When it comes to our emotional body, we panic because we don't know what else to do. We don't have any tried and true recipes that we've passed down that we talk about that we share. Some of those remedies are usually the ability to first slow down and understand what's going on for you. And then sometimes it's connecting with nature. Sometimes it's going for an exercise journey. Sometimes it's writing down and exploring our emotions and what they mean in the process. Feeling components. Sometimes it's advocating for myself, sometimes it's cleaning up a mess, sometimes it's speaking up. And all of these are remedies that we can help you add to your toolbox. And then we got to watch it. Is it taking me in the direction I want to go? Is it taking me to my next best step? Right. Are we moving and making progress here? If not, I'm going to go back to finding a remedy. What's another one? What's another one? Maybe I need to get some help. Maybe I need to ask and say, I don't know what to do. Let me, let me get supported here. And then the last one, which is usually the difficult, the most difficult of all is let it go. Let it go. Because if it's a problem, it's going to show up in the future. Don't worry about that. Don't worry about when, when it's going to happen again, because then you're just going to keep yourself in pain for the long haul. Let it go. Take a breath and trust and know that if it's a problem in your relationship from this place, it will show up again in the future. So I hope you got those. Sit down, breathe, assess it, find a remedy. Start building that repertoire. Your best guess is a great place to begin. Watch it, make sure it's taking you in the place you want to go. And then exhale, let it go. And know you did your best. And if it's a problem we didn't solve it, it's going to show up again. All right, That's a lot to think about. We're going to let you take a break here and let that settle in as we take a break as well. And we'll be back with a little bit of fun. Hey, babe. Did you know that the average couple spends only two hours a day with each other? And the majority of that time is spent eating, watching TV and surfing social media rather than connecting with each other. And if children are involved, my gosh, it's even less time than that.

I know, babe. That's why you created our conversation cards, for Connection. Because they're the perfect conversation starter. So the next time you're sitting on a couch, rather than turning on the TV or grabbing your phone, pull out a card and get ready for some good old fashioned laughter and love and connection.

Yeah. You can get your cards@staceybartley.com hi, I'm.

Coach Debbie from Story U Talk Radio and I want to encourage you to write your book weekly. I offer topics about style and storytelling. I take your questions on our live show every Thursday at 4 o' clock or you can subscribe to Story U, that's capital U on any of your favorite platforms.

Some people know a good thing when they hear it. Alternative Talk 1150.

Welcome back. We are Tom and Stacey Bartley inside the Love Shack. And we're going to step right into the follow the fun. What, what's our fun? What is our fun, Mrs. Bartley?

Well, we're gonna create a Newlywed Show. Do you remember that, babe? When we were growing up, there was the Newlywed Show. We're going to kind of date ourselves right now. But.

And I even asked you on our pre show meeting, like, do you remember the host of the Newlywed Show?

No, I didn't.

Bob Newhart.

Yeah. And so that really nice.

He had like bouffant hair. Yes.

Remember?

Yeah. It was always looking tight and gelled up.

And for those of you who don't have a connection or a familiarity with this show, it was these newlyweds that were newly married and they'd put them on this panel and they'd ask questions to see how well they really knew each other.

Right. And you'd win points if you, you know, whoever had the best aggregate, they'd ask some of the, of the one, you know, spouse, and then they would change it up and ask the other spouse.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so I want to, I want to help you create some, a version of this in your own home. So I'm going to encourage you sometime this week to get your favorite beverage and I'm going to give you some questions here that you can explore with your partner. And here's the thing, I thought it would be really cool to like give you a demonstration of this. So the questions that we're about to share. We don't know. And we're going to see how well Tom and Stacy know each other. And then you can take these same questions and you can create a version of the Newlywed show in your own life. So, Tom, which article of clothing does your partner dislike the most? Meaning me. How? What article of clothing do I dislike the most?

I would think all articles of clothing. Oh, la. Ladies and gentlemen, and our wonderful producer, just let us know that it's not Bob. Bob. Not Newhart. It's Bob Eubanks.

Sorry.

But he did have good hair, right, Eric? He had great hair. But anyway, I would say as far as our clothing and my wife, not really any of the clothing.

Oh, honey. Well, that is true. I'm not.

We're gonna keep it radio friendly.

A close, happy person. Yeah, it's true. It's true. I would say the underwear or my least favorite.

Oh, my. Yeah, we're gonna just move right past that one. Go to question two. Eric's got his.

Wait a minute. What is yours?

My least. I would say I love to take my shoes off when I've had them on all day. Shoes and socks.

I guess I was supposed to know that and I didn't.

Oh, you're right.

Yeah. Yeah, that's true. Okay, number. Number two question. Name the number one country your partner would like to visit. Oh, that is a slam dunk.

Italy. Italy.

I'm supposed to know. Oh, remember?

Well, it's the same for both of us. We've been tan. We've been. We've been tainted. Okay? And I'm step in now in the interest of time. We got to get this party moving. What habit does your partner find most annoying?

Oh, I tell you what. When you're doing this. Get out, get out. Don't bother me right now. All right? That is a habit that I just go.

Or if you're watching on YouTube right now, if I. You know, Stacy, I wish you would shut your yapper. You know, so you just take your finger, your four fingers in. When you just go like that, that means Stacy's supposed to shut her.

What's mine.

So what I find most annoying in you?

Yeah.

Oh, this morning, like, my little cupcake has to have a couple. A little bit of coffee in our hand when we walk our dog. Like, honey, could we. We start the water because our coon dog is howling because mom put her shoes on. No, my wonderful wife put her shoes on, but yet the water wasn't boiling, so we had a lot of howling unnecessarily.

That's the most annoying thing that happens. Okay, what's one of your most favorite precious belongings?

Oh, man.

What's. I mean mine.

Oh.

What's my precious belonging?

I would say your keepsake. Things from your children. Like, you know, pictures. Precious pictures.

I'm surprised you didn't say the dog.

That's a conversation for another time. Ladies and gentlemen, as we. As we're moving now. Now into.

Wait a minute, there's one more I want to give them.

What?

Your part. What's your partner's biggest dream? So have some fun with this. Go back and forth, see what you know about your partners and share these ideas with each other. And if you want to get on our fun list for more ideas like this, then get on our fun list really quick.

Wrap it up. Follow. Excuse me. What are we feeling? What are we feeling really fast?

Oh, yes. It's our song of the day. And it's Lessons by Eric Roberson.

Right.

Eric Roberson talks about.

Check it out. It's a beautiful song. Actually, we listened to it first and watched the video before we did our show prep. So we're gonna have to wrap this up. One quick. Thank you so much for being with us. Thanks to Eric Ryder, our producer and engineer and KKNW, wherever you're listening to us. We are live on YouTube, live on Facebook, we're on wherever you find your podcast and we have all our show notes and transcription everything on our website. So we are here to be of service.

And if you want a free copy of our book, make sure you get on the list at Lifetime insurance. What is it, honey?

Lifetimeoflove me. We have a very special episode next week. That's all I can share. But it's going to be different in lots of different ways. You don't want to miss it.

Yeah. See you next week, guys. Thanks for being here with us. Bye bye now.

Thanks for joining us today in the Love Shack. We hope you came away with something that made your toes tingle. To learn more about everything you heard on today's show, go to Stacy Bartley dot com. Love the show. Help us spread the love by sharing the show with others. Okay, everybody, time to go. We gotta close the doors to the Love Shack for this week. You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here. Come back next week, though, and join us for another edition of Love Shack live with Tom and Stacey Bartley.