#77: This New Book Offers 8 Superpowers For Toe-Tingling Love

Hey, thanks for coming. Welcome to the Love shack.

Going on. And welcome to the love shack. Little place where we get to get together, explore fresh perspectives and eavesdrop on juicy conversations and discover the things that really matter while having a little bit of fun along the way. This is episode number 77, and today we are offering up the eight superpowers for toe tingling love. It's a summary of my brand new book that's out. I'll go either direction. This is a cover here and we have been covering the book and going through the chapters one by one in the last several episodes. And today I have my incredible team, Tom, who's always with me. But this lovely lady to my left here is my beautiful daughter and my beautiful everything girl who, if it wasn't for her, none of the tech and none of the magic behind the scenes would be possible, as well as a lot of the graphic design. So Brooke, she is going to be part of our show because we're celebrating all that she has done to support us and create this wonderful book being brought to the world. So today we're going to talk about that toe tingling love thing. That's what we call it, right?

Yes.

And I love the way that sounds. And I remember that was a phrase that came to me when I first met Tom. My toes were tangling big time. I would feel this electricity all over my body. And I thought, as we talk about relationships and we teach what's possible, this is going to be our benchmark, not only for our relationship, but for all people in their relationships, which is so cool. And I have summarized everything that we teach as far as principles in our book today, and we have summarized it into eight incredible superpowers. Because the reality is, most people in their relationships, they are okay, but far from good and farther, even further from great. We can be afraid of being alone or straying in our relationships that are less than what we desire. And quite frankly, we deserve good relationships. The challenge is we've just never been taught how to create them.

And toe tingling love. Maintaining it is a challenge. It doesn't just happen.

Well, I would say, you know, you ask people, you know, that have been together for a period of time, how are you doing and how's your relationship?

Fine.

F, I, N E, fine, you know, and we're not about fine, you know, great. We're about, you know, toe tingling. And everybody that we've shared toe tingling. Like, oh, yeah, that, that's. I'm not sure if I've experienced that.

Yeah. So we're Thomas Stacey Bartley for any of our new listeners out there. And we are committed to helping couples rescue their relationships and turn their relationships into this toe tingling reality that is absolutely available for all of us. We do this through one on one sessions, through this show, this podcast. We also through our new book that's just out, but we also do this through our signature courses and processes. And so, gosh, if you're needing some help and support, come and explore what it is we have to offer. And we would love to help you create a toe tingling relationship in your own life because we now know it's possible.

And I would just say if you're thinking, God, you guys changed your set. No, we're not because we're coming from our east coast headquarters here in Virginia. Stacey and I live in California and Brooke lives in Virginia. And so no, we have not changed our. We have changed our set for today. And we're excited to be visiting Brooke and her wonderful fiance during celebrate the book launch of our book. So we're gonna let you know exactly where to get it. If you're watching live, it's gonna be free. If you listen to the podcast, it's free through Sunday.

April, Eric said Virginia's for lovers.

I know.

And you know what?

We pull up. Eric, you must be Virginia, because you pull up at the airport and there's a little sign that says kiss and say goodbye for real. The kiss and leave zone. And so Virginia is for lovers. So it's the perfect place for us to do this. And if by chance you are hearing or seeing a beautiful, like enormous, small sized grizzly bear or maybe a growl or something in the background.

Heavy breathing.

Yeah, that's our grand dog, Der. And we just want you to know she's here in the room with us as well. Well, so you know, you're in for a lot of surprises. We're going to take a quick break and we're going to come back and we're going to dive into that eight superpowers that you absolutely can implement into your life. Which again, is a summary of our new book. We'll be right back.

I met Stacy and Tom about two years ago.

I was at a point in my.

Relationship where I was ready to file for divorce. Not that I wanted to, but I just felt hopeless and helpless.

I'd been through other counseling and coaching and didn't find any success with Stacy and Tom's methods.

I was able to eliminate insecurities, set boundaries, plant my flag, eliminate rabbit holing. I was separated from my wife for A year and I have since moved back home for the last six months. Now I still refer back to a lot of the teaching Stacy and Tom provided and it's helped me. It's well worth it. Learn the simple three step system to rescue your struggling relationship by registering for Stacy's brand new free workshop. Reserve your seat by going to stacybartley.comworkshop.

Are you ready to venture off the beaten path? Expand your mind, raise your consciousness and open your heart. Allow me to entice you with interviews with amazing souls from around the world. Indulge in history, mystery science and spirituality. There's weekly skin tips, live esoteric readings and answers to life's burning questions. So come join me, Sakura, your host intuitive medium and spiritual hypnotherapist. Each Wednesday at 2 to 3pm right here on KKNW for Love from the hip. Hey babe. Did you know that the average couple spends only two hours a day with each other? And the majority of that time is spent eating, watching TV and surfing social media rather than connecting with each other. And if children are involved, my gosh, it's even less time than that.

I know, baby. That's why you created our conversation cards, for connection. Because they're the perfect conversation starter. So the next time you're sitting on a couch, rather than turning on the TV or grabbing your phone, pull out a card and get ready for some good old fashioned laughter and loving connection.

Yeah. You can get your cards@stacybartley.com There's a.

Reason they invented the Internet. It's called 1150 KK&W.com. welcome back. Love Shack. Live inside Love Shack. Live from our east coast headquarters where Tom and Stacy Bartley along with our daughter Brooke Brown. And no, you're not seeing triple. It's, it's really for real.

You do kind of look alike, don't you think?

Great to be here. And you know what? No one wants to be in a relationship that's just okay, you know, I can't overemphasize that. You know, it's like, how are you doing? How's your wife doing?

We're fine.

F I N E as they say here in Roanoke. We're like, we're fine. But anyway, we, we say this very emphatically and passion. We want to talk about toe tingling love. So this is episode 77. Thank you so much for joining us. And we're going to step right into what we call the heart of the matter. And we're going to be. This is the culmination of our series that we've done in these last number of episodes around Stacy's brand new book. And we're going to share with you how you can get that for free.

I have a question, though. Yes, I'm speaking on behalf of the listeners. Is it possible to have toe tingling love if you've been married for 30 years and your relationship is fine, or do you have to be with someone new?

That's a great question.

That is a great question. And here's what I want you to know about relationships. Relationships, we tend to think are stagnant. That there's a place where we just get it all done and we arrive and then we can go, okay, you know, we found the perfect relationship. I'm the perfect person. And we're just going to ride off into the sunset and look forward to our, you know, white picket fence and our grandkids and, you know, it's going to be fabulous. And what we don't realize or what we've never been taught about relationships is they're constantly rolling over. They're constantly changing and we need them to. Because if they don't, not only does toe tingling love become elusive, we as a human being become stuck and stagnant. This is something that we don't think about. We never want to be stagnant and stuck. Right. That's a horrible feeling. We feel like we're breaking down, we're getting depressed, we're bored. We think the best days are behind us. And so, gee, I guess we'll just slog through this and try and clock off a few years and.

Can I be, Can I be very frank?

Yeah, please.

I like to say some people say that a dynamic, toe tanking relationship is going to be the most challenging thing that you set a goal for. Let's just be honest. I say it's the most complicated and ever moving, ever changing situation relationship we're ever going to step into.

And especially if you've been together for a long time and you've. And you've settled into your roles and you say we have nothing in common and you're both sitting on the couch every night and watching your shows and looking at your phones because that's what a lot of people do and that's what. And they think, you know, there's no hope for me, but we don't fight all the time.

So, you know, I guess it's good enough.

Yes, yes, yes.

And here's the thing. We are always wanting to roll over. I want you to think of your relationship as like something that can continuously be renewed. Right. And redeveloped and redesigned. Because that's how life works. You know, it's a process of, geez, that worked. Okay, let's. Let's remember that day when. Let's do another round of that. Remember when, you know, okay, that didn't work. And it's all intertwined as we take another day and another day and another day. I want you to think of it more like all the things that we need to do to take care of ourselves. You know, we need to take a bath, we need to do the laundry. Clean the house. Yes, yes. Take out the trash. So it's never a place where it's stagnant and you're just done. And regardless of where you are in your relationship, there's always an opportunity for you to stir it up in a good way and implement something. Right. That used to be or something that you've always wanted to try. And not only is that true for our relationships, that's true for our life. And that's what keeps us excited and engaged and aware and wanting to do better. Because it's always an opportunity to do better, to have more of the things that, like, light you up, that that opportunity is never gone unless it's gone in your thinking.

Yeah.

And I would say that it's when you have come together with someone for the very first time. It's all these first f I R s, T s, these first that we do. And then once those first, you know, your first restaurant you take and your first meal and your first glass of wine, first kiss.

First kiss, first time you have sex, I mean, but your first house, your first child.

We find many of our clients, and when we think our relationship has atrophied and there's nothing left there, we think by going to another person, you know, and that may or may not be the case again.

Well, I think it is always the case because when you have that, you have that feeling of excitement and love and rush of endorphins and tingling in your stomach and butterflies, you think, okay, I solved it. You know, like, this is what I was missing. But then you'll find that all of the problems that you had in your past are going to find you again in your new relationship, and you're going to be in the same spot again. I just have one more thing to add. I was in a Facebook group recently. I'm not going to say the name because I don't want to expose anybody, but it was a whole bunch of women talking about, you know, like, what do you Guys do with your spouse as a hobby. And so many women in their 40s and 50s, you know, I'm 35, almost 36, so I could relate. They were saying, I don't have anything in common with my spouse. The people who do are so lucky. You know, like we don't spend any time together. He goes and golfs or he goes and plays games with his friends or does online gaming and I just sit and do online shopping or, you know, and I just wanted to say to them, like, the reason why couples have good relationships and have stuff in common and do stuff together is because they're trying to. They're the ones who are having that kind of relationship aren't lucky. And they're putting in the effort and making that a priority. So I think we forget that that is a possibility.

Absolutely. We forget that we have the power to create a new.

Yes.

A new beginning. Right. As we teach also in our clients that there's always an opportunity for a do over. If there's a mess that you've made, if there's something that you've said that was taken the wrong way or you've come in. I often do this coming in from my office at the end of a long day and I'll come in and go, okay, Tom, where's dinner? And I launch into the logistics and then I catch myself and go, I'm so sorry. Let me try that again. Let's do a do over. And I'll literally step back out our front door and close it and just rehearse the way that I wanted to come in in the first place.

Yeah.

And I think we forget that those kinds of opportunities are all available to us that we can't do do overs that then we have to cover up with a great story as to why I'm entitled to come in. Well, I've had a long day and I've been working. What have you been doing? You know, if you're a little apron on and you're a little.

And.

And this is true too, as far as the creation of like hobbies. I love what you said, Brooke. It's not about being lucky. It's about making it a priority to where we are. We are going through the exploration of what is a hobby that we can enjoy together. Yes. And ofttimes, you know, especially as we climb the ladder of age, we don't like to try new things because we know in trying new things, we're not necessarily going to be masterful at it. And I think we need to let.

That Whole idea, go or it's going to be embarrassing.

Yeah, I'm going to screw it up. Of course you are. Because we all know as humans that that's what you're going to do when you're starting to learn and explore things for the very first time.

Yeah.

But as Tom and I were doing scooters, for example, a couple of springs ago, because we needed to find some new things to add to our relationship.

Get your visual around that one, ladies.

And I'm not talking about powered school.

We're talking the ones that you see the kids, the razors.

Yeah. The ones you push. Yes.

With the bike helmet on. That's really a visual.

You want to get your.

Yeah, that was. Yeah, that was epic.

And Tom, he. It took me a minute to enroll. Even this idea. Come on, let's just try, you know?

And then.

And then I noticed, right. Gosh, we could hit a rock, we could crash. I mean, it's kind of hard to balance on. Are we going to be safe? I mean, all of these fears started to pop up, which is part of the process when we're trying something.

And with my. One of my grandsons, I did take an epic. And it was unbelievably painful. And I did everything I could because my grandson was looking at me again. You have to remember that our children and grandchildren are watching us. And it took everything in my power because there wasn't a word said other than he was simply watching me.

And which one was it?

Grant Jr. Yeah. And that was. You know, and I had this lovely young couple. Sir, do you need some help? Do you need us to call the ambulance? No, let's see if we can not have that happen. But no, it was. But no, I. I took an epic fall. But, yeah, again, what is it that I'm thinking of? The quote. If. If the only.

The.

If the only birds that sang in the forest were the birds that sang, well, there would be no singing.

Yeah.

That's so true.

Would you like me to sing now?

Well, and here's the thing. We've got to continuously try new things in our relationships. If it's not working where you are, then anything would be better than trying nothing.

Well, and. And it's so easy. Like, even Jack and I, who have a wonderful. That's my fiance. We have a wonderful relationship. It's so easy to just say, okay, go do the thing that you want that you do every night, and I'll do my thing, and then we'll need to have dinner and you don't end up spending any time together and nothing is wrong. Like there's not. We're not fighting or something. But that's so easy to just keep the status quo and to just keep doing that. It's challenging to come together and say, what could we do that would be fun? And what could we do that could, like, invigorate us? But that's what's going to lead you to the toe tingling.

And I would say. I would say it's not even. It's not only easy, I would say it's almost. It's seductive. The longer that we have been together and we have our patterns and, you know, do it like Brooke just described. You really have to do a lot because energetically you're. You're having to swim against the stream for a moment again. This is. I always like to say, this is no different than if in our professional life. Excuse me. Or in our athletic lives or in our. If we're choosing to do a dude new diet, you have to step out of what we've always done and do some things differently. Because the classic definition of insanity, we all know that one well.

And sometimes I think when you're trying something new and it doesn't work out, like, say your partner hated the game you played and was like crabby the whole time, you know, or you tried a new recipe and it was gross and you had to order out instead. Or if you're, like doing a dance in class and one of the partners hated it, that can really affect you and be like, oh, man, I really messed up. You know, it's better if we just do what we always do, you know?

Yeah.

Or if you go to a play and then after, after 10 minutes, your spouse starts to fall asleep. Yes, that was me, ladies and gentlemen. And it was only 8 o'.

Clock.

I'm just.

But it can be so. That can be so defeating that can make you feel like a fool, you know, like, oh, why did I even put any effort into this? It did. It was so dumb, you know?

And I want you to realize that that's the. Chris. The risk of any creation that you do. Right. There are going to be things that work and things that don't work. And if those things stop us, we're never gonna set ourselves up so that we can explore more things. And that is true. I love theater. I love art.

This was last Friday, by the way. If you're watching live last Friday, this is in real time, ladies and gentlemen.

I swear we hadn't been in our seats with our popcorn and our beautiful glass of wine for more than maybe eight minutes. I don't even know that I could give you 10.

Okay. But it was dark, you know, has.

This thing where as he starts to fall asleep, it's a dead giveaway because he'll twitch ever so slightly, like, this is even too much. It's like. It's so subtle. And of course, we're, like, pushed against each other, and I swear, it was like four minutes in. And all of a sudden, I feel this twitch, and I look over and I go. And he goes, what?

What?

I go, you are asleep. No, no, no, I'm not sleeping. I'm like, you can't fake the twitch.

And ladies and gentlemen, the lights are on. The playhead just started. Is rather quiet, and Stacy's speaking quite loudly. Honey, you're embarrassing me. And also around me is realizing that you're so. No, but. Okay, I got it.

I'm sorry. I'll try.

I could. I just.

But a tip I would have in situations like this is maybe to have a conversation beforehand with your partner and say, hey, let's try something new. If you hate it, you can tell me. But I'm not going to take it personally, you know, because that is so. That affects me so much when. When I put a lot of effort into something or I'm thinking of something fun to do, and then Jack hates, or vice versa, that can make you feel so bad about yourself, but. But it has nothing to do with you.

It does not. And there's two tips I want to point out there about that. Number one, Tom and I have done many plays, and so the him falling asleep four minutes in doesn't stop us from trying again.

Right.

And he has actually come away from many plays going, that was so cool.

This one started a little slow.

Yeah. I think it was the drowsy chaperone, just to give a plug for that. That was the one that really kept him engaged age. For those of you who love theater. Trying to drag your partner.

I do.

The second thing that I want to say about that is there's. You know, if we're thinking about it, there are. There's always something that we can take away from any experience that is a positive thing. And as we explore in our signature processes about a lease option, contract for love, it's a thing we come back to this leg, this lease, many, many times. It helps us practice the things that we need to practice the most and have us have the conversations we need to have. There is a place in that contract where each of the partners will pick some of the activities that they want to explore anew with their partners. And that rule is, you get to come along and find something to be joyful, because when we start to realize these are things that your partner loves and wants to do, and there's no greater joy for your partner than allowing you to come along and let them share a piece of themselves with you. Yeah.

But it's not fun if, you know, the whole time your partner is hating it, because then you. Me. I'm a very guilty person by nature, so I'm always trying to, like, gauge how he's feeling and, like, oh, is he enjoying it? And any. And he. He is not like that at all. So he's just along for the ride, having a great time. But I'm like, oh, are you having a fine time? I need to overcompensate. And that just ruins the whole energy of the evening. Yeah.

And I think that is a wonderful example, Brookie, of how it is that all of this experience in our relationships happens within us. Yes. That if I'm worried about my partner having a great time because I'm overcompensating, not only does that prevent me from having a really good time.

Yes. Right. It ruin. It takes away everything. Yeah.

And so it's a matter of being able to settle in and say, this is something I enjoy and you may not like it, and that's totally okay. It means nothing about our relationship and what's possible, it means nothing about me. It does mean that this is something I enjoy and that I love, but however this goes, I don't need to take it personal.

Yeah.

Like, it's not a make it or break it kind of thing. If it doesn't work, you toss it out. And if it does work, then we'll explore doing more.

But that what you just described is the recipe for finding common experiences with your partner.

Yeah.

For the people who say they have nothing in common, they need to do exactly what you just said to. Because even if they still have nothing in common at the end of it, they had a shared experience, and there's.

Always little takeaways there. You know, I'll give you a really great example that shows up in our relationship a lot. I love to dance. Like, I could salsa dance and swing dance and. And ballroom. I mean, give me a dance. That's all. Line dancing is the only one that maybe. Right. But as I say. Okay, Tom, it's getting close, and it is. It's about time. Where we need to kind of out and do that every single time. We've been together for 11 years now. Every single time. It's like a cat with claws on the carpet and I'm dragging him out of the house. Now, if I took that personal, we would never go, right? I would never bring it up again.

Yeah.

And instead, we all know and have accepted what the deal is. And what's ironic about that is every time we're driving home from wherever it is we have gone dancing, without fail, Tom will turn and say, that was so much fun. Why don't we do that more often? And I go, do we have to go through this every time? And the answer is, yes, we have to go through this every time. Because, you know, we don't realize in our neurology, right, we have these places that we automatically go if I say, hey, let's go to an art museum and somebody goes, let's go get some sushi. And we shut it down long before we allow ourselves to just step in and have the experience. And however it goes, it's going to be an experience. And I promise you, there's going to be things that you can take away from it that are good and things that maybe you don't like, but there's something to be had for everyone. And the point is that you're exploring those.

Okay, so we have eight superpowers for toe tingling love. Why don't we take a stab at going through some of these? Because what we have just shared is going to relate into a lot of these.

Oh, my gosh. Well, let's start with the first one. Get to know yourself and your partner again.

I mean, that. That's basically what you just. We just talked about.

Because it's never a stagnant process. You don't want it to be a stagnant process because then it says the best days of our life and our relationship have happened, and now we're just going to ride into the sunset and be happy forever. And those two things, we don't realize how incongruent they really are.

Well, and I just want you to talk for a second about contrast, because I think this ties perfectly into contrast. What you teach in the book about how if your partner changes their opinion on something and you approach it from. Well, you've never done that before. Here's a really silly example. Jack used to tell me that he didn't like red leaf lettuce in his salads. Okay. I make his lunches every week as a gift because he allows me to work from home. And it's just a great, you know, it's a great trade off. Yeah. And it makes me feel good. And he gets a healthy lunch. So one week he said, I would like red leaf lettuce in my salad. And instead of just saying okay, I, like, criticized him about it and said, no, you don't like red leaf lettuce. And he was like, well, I think I know what I like because it's my mouth. And, like, so that is silly. I should have just said, okay, great. Why was I so hell bent on saying, no? I know you better than you know yourself. It's just a very silly example. But I think that happens a lot of times in relationships, you know, Perfect example.

What we don't realize in our. In our insecurities that inevitably come up in our love relationships. Okay, it's so funny.

Let's.

Let's just dispel a myth here for a minute. Because what we think is that when we become the perfect person or we find our person, our soulmate, that our fears and insecurities about who we are and about how to go forward and about our partners are going to be diminished.

Yeah.

They're not going to come up anymore. It's all that. Nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, the more you can care, the more those things are going to flash. And we get all bottled up about telling me what the rules are and don't change them, because that's the only thing I have to go on.

That's what I'm talking about. That's what I wanted you to say.

Yeah. So contrast is part of the deal. And I just want all of our listeners to just reflect back right now. Gosh, let's just look back two years ago, before COVID How have you changed your thoughts? What you eat, where you go, what you entertain yourself with has changed the conversations you're having. And if we were to go back 10 years or even back to childhood, just notice the things that you used to love to do. Like, I used to pretend like I was a vet and I'd go around the neighborhood and, like, take care of all the animals. Right. I don't do that anymore, folks. I just need you to know it'd be weird if you did. It would be really weird if I was knocking on my neighbor's doors, you know, going, can I check out your cat? I'm a vet with my little bag. I pull out my little plastic, you know, and we don't realize that that's. That's part of life. Things change. I mean, think about the seasons that change. It's so normal and natural in the world in which we live. And it's also natural with inside of ourselves and in our relationships.

And I would have to say that's we talk often, if you've listened to us for any period of time, that this is never a set it and forget it process. It's the most dynamic thing, as I just shared. So getting to know yourself and your partner over and over again, ladies and gentlemen, that's simply how it goes. So rather than trying to repel that, how about if. Embrace it.

Exactly. And. And not only not repel it, but not make your partner feel stupid for changing their mind.

Right.

I feel like that's very common.

Very common. And let's just think about where in the journey, depending on where you are, the changes that maybe are coming or that you've already weathered. Just to point out this even further, you first come together and you have your wedding day, and then there's the building a life together and you're setting up shop. There's going to be all kinds of pieces of contrast that are going to come up that you go, I never knew you like that. Do you like that? Oh, my gosh. Well, that's kind of weird. I mean, that's going to happen. What about when you bring a baby into the mix and you start a family? There's a whole new set of opportunities. And with every single child you add to the mix, there's going to be another set of adjustments and places and experiences that we change our minds about food and time and how I do my hair and what I wear and what lights me up and what's important and valuable to me. That all changes.

Yeah, maybe you have no hair. I used to have a lot of hair. Like, really, Tom, Come on.

No, it was black and curly.

I mean, like a huge. You know, if you're. Remember the Bee Gees. If you're old enough to remember the Bee Gees. I had Bee Gees type hair. Like gay font. I had a bouffant.

Yes, I did.

So anyway.

And what about stepping off and retiring or trying to, like, you know, maybe sell the family home?

Or.

Or what about, you know, stepping into the later years of your life?

Or how about when all your children are grown and they're no longer with you? Stacy and I have eight children. Brooke's one of them, and they're no longer a part of you and then all the grandchildren. So it's all we have is change.

Yep.

Change would be synonymous. Synonymous with contrast. Is that.

Well, change is a part of contrast. Contrast are the parts and pieces that work for me and that I don't. And I'm constantly sifting things. We'll notice that not only is it changing in significant ways like we've just described, but it also is going to change in very small ways, like red leaf lettuce. Like red leaf lettuce.

Okay.

And. And we want to be able to leave that door open not only for ourselves, to change our minds, because, come on, let's be honest. We all do it.

Yeah, we do.

But for our partners to be able to change their minds as well, with.

Permission and safety, as silly as that is, because, like, I made a big deal about it. It's embarrassing to think about, you know.

But for being transparent.

But everyone does that. And I think women do it when they're like, no, I know, my man. You know, like straight women who know.

And I love that you bring that up, because what are we really doing there?

We're trying to take care of. We're trying.

We're trying to take care of them. But I also want the reassurance that I know my relationship is okay.

Yeah.

As I'm trying to comfort my own fears and insecurities. And this is why it could be a big deal if you change your mind. Because it's like, oh, my gosh, then maybe I don't know you.

Right.

And then we panic, and then. And then our minds can go all kinds of crazy places. Yeah. Listen, if I could give you a single piece of advice about relationships, I want to impart to you that emotional relationships are emotional. They feel them. And if we could turn our brains off and feel more, it would help us so much. Like, if, you know, you feel connected to your person, it's okay if they change their mind.

Yeah.

And yet our heads will start, like, spinning out of control, like smoke coming out of our ears going, what else don't I know what? And. And that can. That simple little thought can override that. I know I love you. I know you love me. I know we feel connected, and it can take us to these crazy places, like they're having an emotional affair.

Yes. This. This is a little off topic, but really quickly, A couple of episodes ago, when you were doing your communication episodes, I tried to put a comment in the box, but you guys didn't read it at the time. But what you're saying right now is, I think sometimes when you're having a difficult conversation or you're trying to get your. To know yourself and Your partner better. And it's like a more serious topic. A great thing for someone like me who's a little bit insecure and anxious to know would be, hey, the foundation of our relationship is not on the table right now. You know, like, we're just having a talk. We're not. We're not discussing anything seismic. Nothing is shifting that our foundation is strong. We're just having a conversation. I think that could be a really great sentence for a lot of people to hear, you know?

Yeah, I totally agree with you. Because if. If a conversation about, you know, I'm really struggling with this child or our extended family in the mix, or I'm really challenged with our spending or. Or I'm really wanting to switch things up in our sex life.

Yeah.

If that conversation degrades into, oh, my gosh, we're now contemplating we're getting in a relationship, then you can see why it is we don't make much progress with that one simple little conversation.

So I would say. So what Brooke just shared.

Would.

We talked about fairy dust, and I forget how many episodes ago. Or we talked about.

Yeah, that's exactly what I was saying.

Would that be a component you could add to the fairy dust and fairy dust, ladies and gentlemen, if you didn't catch, that would be something you could.

Share at the beginning.

At the beginning of a. Of a conversation that may be difficult for you to assure yourself and your.

Partner that we're good.

I'm simply going to share something that I've been thinking about that maybe I haven't been able to have the courage to share in a while.

Exactly.

Okay. Yeah. And that sounds something like, hey, I just want you to know I love you. I love our relationship. I'm totally in this for the long haul, and I have some things I want to bring up about ourselves, Jack's life.

But also I think specifically saying, like, the foundation of our relationship is not at play in this conversation. Jack has said that to me a couple of times. Like, without even knowing any of our frameworks, like, we're not discussing whether or not we're breaking up right now. We're just having a conversation about this one issue. I think sometimes for. For people that are insecure or have a little bit of an anxious attachment style, that phrase could be very comforting.

Oh, for sure. Which brings us to number two of our eight superpowers, which is avoid the pretend and illusion. If we don't manage or realize that our movies are internal thoughts through this contrast, and one scary thought or insecurity leads to another one and another one. We call it a rabbit hole. And the rabbit hole just means I'm now spiraling out of control. And the fact that you told me I don't look good in the shirt has now sent me on, yes, this tangent in my thinking.

That you never want to kiss me again.

Yes. And now you want to be done and you're. You're having an affair with your. You know, I mean, secretary.

Yes, exactly.

Yes. And so I just need you to know and understand that our minds, our thinking has the power to take us and answer questions. And it will answer any question from the what if perspective. And I'll tell you what, it will come up with an answer.

Because our brains. I heard this, I think, from Brene Brown. They don't like unfinished stories.

No.

So they'll fill in every single blank and think about.

In relationships, the majority of us have such a difficult time feeling in the voids, not only for ourselves, but for our partners. And we talk in our conversations, in our communication, like very platitude. Ish. It's very non specific, which leaves us open to, as I say, if you don't fill in the void, they will. And that feeling in the void is going to be a horror picture that's gonna kick your fanny like it is. The worst possible thing that could be happening is happening now. And that's where I'm sure it's absurd. Totally.

Well, we like to say, you know, if you're. We're all having our internal movie experience, but what we think is happening is not. Meaning we think everyone is also at our internal movie experience. Your own horror Picture show, but guess what? Only you are at the movie. So we have to understand, and through all of our different frameworks, how we share that movie with our closest people in our life, but then extend that same gift and opportunity for them to share their movie with us.

Well, and realize that everybody is having those same insane, insecure thoughts, but they are the star of their own.

Exactly.

Well, and we all think that our movies are so spot on. Like, we have got this so figured out. Like, I already know how you're feeling. Like we could. Like we even had access to the intel. And here's the last piece I want to add to this pretend and illusion piece. As human beings, we are so messy. Like, if there's a way to screw it up, we're gonna. That's how we learn. That's how we figure out what works and what doesn't. And we start diving into conversations about trust. Right? We Forget that. Trust is something I give. It's not something I'm granted. And trust is really my own belief in myself to navigate the risk that I'm putting on the table by loving you. That's it. Because it's only a matter of time before I say something is going to hurt your feelings before I do something that is not out of my. That is out of my character because I'm having a bad day, because I'm struggling with inside of myself. I've had something just blow up my world, right? And I'm going to show up according to that. I show up as good as I feel and I'm going to be met. I'm going to forget to go by the store. I'm going to forget to tell you I love you. I'm going to forget our birthdays and our. And some of our anniversaries because I'm so in my own world of thinking in that movie. And I need to not so much worry about making a mess. It's more about knowing how to come back around and clean it up to create those new moments of do over so that we can stop and step out of pretend and illusion instead of continuously live in it. Which I can tell you right now, this is not any research that I've done just as a disclosure, but from what I see in my office, I'm looking back over my life experience myself. There's a lot of us, like a high percentage, 99.9% of us live in this space of pretend and illusion because we don't know what else to do. We don't even realize that our movies need to be vetted out. We don't even realize that we're reacting to something that I'm feeling and express, experiencing inside of myself. And now I'm taking it out on you, right? There's this great example that I say when somebody says, you're such a jerk. I can't believe you would do and say that. I mean, just look at how I am in my physical body. And who's being the jerk, me or the person I'm telling off?

It reminds me of this meme that I see a lot in the relationship space where a woman and a man are sleeping in a bed. It could be a woman and a woman and a man and a man too, but their backs are turned to each other and the woman's brain is saying, he's cheating on me. He hasn't talked to me all night. He's thinking of his girlfriend and then the guy has A bubble coming out of his. His mind. And it says, why isn't my motorcycle starting? I mean, that's very gender specific. But it's so true. Because if Jack is not talking to me as much as normal, I put all of this. This weight on him and I'm like, what's wrong with you? Why aren't you talking to me? Why are you being so standoffish? And he will say, am I being standoffish or are you being standoffish? But we all do it. It's so true. And that people don't think that that is pretend, an illusion, but that's exactly what it is. It's putting all the movie in your head and. And saying that that's real life when it's not.

Which takes us to.

Well, hold on, one more point here. We can validate in our lives anything. The most absurd.

Yes.

Right. Thoughts that we have in our own places of personal insecurity can absolutely be validated. And I drive this home by just saying to you where you're living in that meme. He's having an affair on me.

Yes.

I'm going to go two doors down to my girlfriend's house and I'm going to say, you know what happened? He came home, he didn't talk. He's been ignoring me for days. You know, And I know that he's been having a con. I saw a text on his phone blowing up a social media. I just know she's. Guess what? She's going to agree with me. She's going to go, oh, yeah, that's terrible.

All those signs. You're right.

Oh, are you going to say something? I recently had a client say, hey, I think that my past relationship was having an affair on me. And I says, oh, really? How did you come to that conclusion? And he says, well, because I googled it. I was given four signs that your partner is having an affair, and she meets everyone. And as I said. Okay, share with me. What are they? Let's vet this out. Well, number one, they struggle with fear and insecurity. People, that's everybody. That's not people who are just having an affair. That's like all of us. I mean, and the more I care, the more I have fears and insecurities that come up in me. Right. Number two, it was like, you know, they. They go missing and they don't show up and they don't have conversations. Again, how many people are doing that in their relationships? Oh, I don't know about majority.

Meaning. Meaning that you, when you have A fight or you have a disagreement, you walk away. Yeah, that's what you mean.

That's exactly what I mean. And then I don't know how to approach it again. So there's several days of silence, and then we finally muster up the confidence, or shall we say not even the confidence, but the courage just to open up the conversation. Anyway, we go through all four of these and I'm like, yeah, that's everybody. Yeah, that's the majority. Yeah, that. And I'm like, you know what? That's something that somebody threw out there to get attention, and it doesn't mean anything. And so the pretend and illusion runs rampant in our relationships because we don't really understand how we operate and show up in it. And we certainly don't give that same airtime to our partners.

Which takes us to number three, ladies and gentlemen. We're probably not going to get to all eight, I'm just saying.

But probably going to end on number three.

They're in our book. But I would say if we had to pick our favorite. But I say this a lot, but this is the one that makes. I'm going to brag on my wife, makes Stacy's frameworks and teachings unique. And this one is all throughout Stacy's book, there's an emotional push up at every end of every single chapter. And practice emotional weightlifting is. Is a secret sauce. So, babe, share with us in a somewhat Craig Cliff notes version.

Excuse me, what emotional.

What is emotional weight? Is that just a fun, cute saying?

No. Emotional weightlifting is our ability to understand, digest down. Right. And also manage our emotional experiences. We don't realize we've been talking a lot about the thinking because the thinking gets us into a lot of trouble. Right? The thinking will go and find answers, as we've said, to fill in those voids. But it's the feeling, right, that also gets us to react and we show up as good as we feel. And so therefore, if I'm not showing up or feeling so great, I'm not going to show up so great. And this emotional weightlifting is something that we absolutely need to improve on and develop strength and capacity with so that we can emotionally regulate ourselves so that we can understand our own emotions. Because at the end of the day, in our relationships, it's the only thing that I have to offer up in my relationship is an understanding of myself and where I go and what I'm feeling. And then I need to not only give myself that space and permission, but I need to give that space and permission to my partner. Too, because as we've talked here throughout our conversation, it changes, it's dynamic where you are, how you show up, how they show up, what they need, what they want. It's all in flux, it's all changing. And if we don't have the conversations about this or the ability to understand ourselves and translate our own thoughts and feelings into words that then I can share, well, then I can't teach my partner how to love me best. They're never going to understand me or what drives me or what's important to me. And quite frankly, you're never going to understand them either.

So share with us like you do in the book, like what would be a really specific emotional push up example you could share with our listeners right now?

Say a fight about a husband or wife going to their partner saying, I don't really feel like you are understanding me or reciprocating, like the caring actions that I, you know, like buying little gifts or like showing you that I care. I don't feel like you're giving that back to me. Number one, how do you not be defensive? Because that's part of emotional weightlifting. And how do you respond to that?

Yeah.

In this kind of way?

Well, in the emotional weightlifting compartment, I'm not gonna sell you a bag of goods by telling you that sometimes hearing some of those things doesn't hurt. Like it's kind of taking the punch. And here's what we've learned about emotional weightlifting is that if it hurts, we're doing it wrong or that there's a problem. So I immediately become very reactive to that without realizing, okay, no, no, no, that's normal. Emotional pain is part of the emotional experience. In our relationships, there are going to be things that are going to punch you. And in our effort to feel that or to not feel that punch, we're going to try and avoid it and pretend like it's not happening. Right. Without realizing. Okay, that's just going to prolong the emotional pain that you're feeling. And if we start looking at how we handle our physical pain in comparison to how we handle our emotional pain, it's going to tell us a lot about what works and what doesn't work in that arena. If I take the punch and I really understand why it is you are feeling that way about me, we can get better about how we show up in our relationships quickly and effectively and efficiently. If we defend it or shut it down, don't want to go there. Then we prolong the pain and what ends up happening is that pain will Escalate much like something that's injured me physically or a sickness that my physical body has that I don't want to look at, I don't want to address, I don't want to have tested, I don't want to talk about, I don't want to explore. Nine times out of 10, those don't just heal on their own. They usually. Right. Increase in intensity for our attention.

I'm gonna throw myself on the fire here and say, if this happened to me, one of my first offensive things I would want to say is, you're right, I'm a terrible partner. Like, do you get what I'm saying? You're right. I'm terrible. I'm a piece of poop. You know, why are you even with me? So I know you shouldn't say stuff like that. When. When your partner comes to you, something with something like that, do you apologize? Like, what. What do you do? Do you say, I'm sorry that I don't. You know what I'm saying?

My favorite is help me understand where you're coming from. Just help me understand if. If you're coming to me and saying, hey, you know, our sex life is really messed up right now. We need to talk about this. Rather than me getting defensive, which is going to be my natural emotional reaction if I don't have any emotional strength to say, okay, help me understand what's not working for you. Right. And I might have this, like, thought. Remember, my. My brain is a. And that's part of emotional weightlifting, is learning how to turn this off.

Yeah.

And just go, oh, that's hard to hear. And I can even say that what's interesting about emotion is if you name it, it's easier to tolerate. Oh, that was really hard for me to hear. And I go to these places like, oh, my gosh, you don't like to have sex with me. Is that. That true? That would be another great example of how to work through that. Right. And address what you're feeling and what's playing out without making it about something. They're, like, needing to feel guilty and shameful for.

For bringing the table without making it about yourself too.

Because if I shut the conversation down, is our sex going to life improving or not? No, no, not even a chance. And. And does that change the way that they feel about what's happening that they're trying to. To lay on the table? Not even close. In fact, it just probably exacerbated it. And that's why the best place you can be inside of yourself with your fears and insecurities. It's about bringing them to the table, which is why I love it when we talk about our internal movie. One of the first things I teach our clients is, this is what's playing out on my movie. I'm in this insecure place, and I feel like you're saying, this. Is that true?

But then I feel like in some of my personal experiences, you're asking your partner in that moment to, like, reassure you and comfort you, which I feel is a little bit strange when. When they are the one coming to.

You with a problem.

So do you get what I mean?

Well, it's all about listening there. Absolutely. Because they have a plate. They have a movie that's playing out on their side of the equation as well, and it's about the permission and space to share it.

It.

So it's like if I say, this is what's playing out of my movie, and I share it, and I need to. I need to close my mouth and say, what's playing out on yours? Where did you just go? Help me understand where you're coming from now. And it's. And it's not so much about the movie is so much as it is the understanding and what we're going to do with it next. Okay. And so I can say all kinds of things. I can say, I'm uncomfortable. This hurts my feelings. I'm feeling so angry right now. Gosh. What you said really hurts my feelings. Can you help me understand how you came to that conclusion? Because this is what I'm hearing you say nine times out of ten is some version of like. No, no, no. That's not at all what I meant. Right. How did you and Tom's looked at me dead in the face and gone. How did you get there?

You know, the bottom line, ladies and gentlemen, is this emotional weightlifting is huge. And the reps that we all need to do in the emotional weightlifting gym literally are more than just several. And very few of us that I've ever come across have very few reps in what we like to call this metaphorical gym. Why? Because there's nowhere that we go.

But it's not metaphorical anymore.

It's real. And, yeah, we're actually going to be having. We're going to be starting our, you know, our own online emotional weightlifting gym that will be coming soon. But it's the reason why it flows off of Stacy's mouth so easily. Well, because this is what she does all day, every day, working with our product private clients. So even I have to say now share that with me again. One more time. What did you say? And help me understand. It's not even the words are fancy. It's the sequence of how we share them with our partner that can be very, very powerful for us as well as the receiving side, and then vice versa. It's just exchange. It's building that muscle memory in our emotional part of our body, so it's not so foreign to us.

Well, and Brooke, you've brought up so many great points in this conversation today, because sometimes it's not even so much about figuring my partner out. In fact, we can't do that, right? But we become so obsessed with trying to figure out how I need to show up based on how they're reacting to me that I forget and lose place in sight of what I'm feeling and what I'm needing inside of myself.

Well, and I think for the person that's coming to the table with the difficult conversation, first of all, that's hard. That's hard to tell and scary. Yes, it's hard to tell your partner. You know, you're not satisfied with your sex life or you're not feeling seen or heard or appreciated. Those are all really hard things to admit. And so I think taking off the table, like, it's not a conversation where we're going to be apologizing to each other. You know, taking all that. That baggage off the table with emotional weightlifting allows you to actually talk about the hard stuff.

Well, what we're after really, at the end of the day is understanding, isn't it understanding why it is I feel the way that I feel, and then understanding where you're coming from in the conversation. And we don't realize how many times we make that process so difficult for us because we start wheeling inside of ourselves. And then we allow our brains to, like, fill in the gaps and we don't talk specifically. The specifics are what set us free. They're the things that make things congruent. Where what you're saying and what you're doing now, like, makes sense. It lines up and we go. That makes so much sense. Because we as human beings, we cannot stand somebody with tear streaming down their faces or obviously angry. And then there's telling us, I'm fine. Yeah, that's like. That's so incongruent, and we can't let it go. And so that's a great example of how we will fill in that void and we will start saying, oh, so you don't, like, love me anymore? Oh, well, so now that you haven't talked to me yesterday, this all starts to make sense and I start weaving things together that don't necessarily go together.

We could have episodes and episodes and episodes about.

We gotta end on number three.

Yeah, yeah.

Emotional weightlifting is absolutely secret sauce. Right. That needs to happen and we get better at it by practicing it. And soon coming to you is going to be an emotional weightlifting gym where you too can come in and practice before it counts.

But also where I think pausing there and, and talking about the free book and what? Because that's where they will gain access to the details of emotional weightlifting.

Absolutely. But you know what we're going to do first? We're going to take a quick break.

And we'll be right back.

We'll be back with that information in our follow the fun segment. So we'll be right there. Hey babe, did you know that the average couple spends only two hours a day with each other and the majority of that time is spent eating, watching TV and surfing social media rather than connecting with each other. And if children are involved, my gosh, it's even less time than that.

I know, babe. That's why you created our conversation cards for connection. Because they're the perfect conversation starter. So the next time you're sitting on a couch, rather than turning on the TV or grabbing your phone, pull out a card and get ready for some good old fashioned laughter and loving connection.

Now you can get your your cards@staceybartley.com hi, I'm Coach Debbie from Story U Talk radio and I want to encourage you to write your book weekly. I offer topics about style and storytelling. I take your questions on our live show every Thursday at 4 o' clock or you can subscribe to Story U. That's capital. Um, on any of your favorite platforms.

Make us part of your daily routine. Alternative Talk 1150. Welcome back inside the love shack. Tom, Stacy and our daughter Brooke with us. So excited to be here with you. We're going to jump right in to follow the fun. We're going to land this episode efficiently and quickly.

Well, listen, here's the deal. Follow the fun this week. Week is going to be go download this new book. You need the resources in it.

What's it called?

It's called feeling like your marriage is.

Dead and see the picture behind us. Thank you.

There you go. Thank you, Eric. Feeling like your marriage is. Marriage is dead. It's a divorce mediator's guide for ensuring a lifetime of love for you. And what we've been talking about today are These wonderful superpowers for toe tingling love. And I've got to tell you all about the resource page. Like if you sign up for the resource page, that. That has a workbook that will join you in every single chapter, along with videos and videos. It is so power packed, literally, you'll have everything you need to turn your relationship around and start doing that thing we just talked about called emotional weightlifting. So, Eric, have you already downloaded your copy of your book? Come on now, we gotta have you be an example to the team here, okay? No messing around.

What's our song? What are we Feeling?

Well, today is a wonderful song that you actually chose. I'll let you introduce it.

Well, it's just a song in the. In the late, late 70s, if you will. And it's just. It's by the Emotions and it's like if you're. If you're feeling something about you and your relationship, you and your partner, don't ask your neighbors. Go to your partner and ask him or her. And it's a phenomenal song.

Well. And the reality is they're going to be the only one who has the answers that you're looking for. So thank you so much for being here with us this week. Yay. Our book is out. Go get your copy. It's for free for the next several days. Great to be here with you, Brooke. Thank you so much. The conversation was incredible. We'll have you come back on. I can tell we need to do that more often.

Thank you to Eric, our engineer and KKW and everybody. Thank you so much. We'll see you same time, same place back in the West Coast. And we'll bring Brookie on. Let us know if you want her. Maybe she's taking some of our time away. We got to add another guest to our show.

You need to be quiet now. Bye bye for now.

Thanks for joining us today in the Love Shack. We hope you came away with something that made your toes tingle. To learn more about everything you heard on today's show, go to stacybartley.com podcast. Love the show. Help us spread the love by sharing the show with others. Okay, everybody, time to go. We gotta close the doors to the Love Shack for this week. You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here. Come back next week though, and join us for another edition of Love Shack Live with Tom and Stacy Bartley.