#84: Don't Suffer Alone: What To Do When You're Struggling In Your Relationship

Hey, thanks for coming. Welcome to the Love Shack.

Hey, welcome to the Love Shack. It's a little old place where we get to get together, explore fresh perspectives and eavesdrop on juicy conversations to discover the things that really matter what while having a little bit of fun when it comes to our relationships. I'm Tom and. Or I'm not Tom. I'm actually I'm Tom Daisy. Yeah, I kind of. Today this is episode number 84 and we're going to be talking about don't suffer alone. We want you to know some very significant times when you realize it's time to get some help and some support and what to do when you're struggling in your relationship. That's going to be the topic of our conversation here in the Love Shack today. And it can be tough to know exactly when you need to get some outside help and support for your relationship. And you might even be feeling like struggling on your own has worked so far. So let's just continue to do it. Or maybe you think you don't want to be a bother to anyone else with your problems. I mean, what do they know about the whole situation anyway? And even yet, some of us wonder if things aren't bad enough, then I'm okay. But man, there's this slow grade pain that's burning in my heart. Or maybe you think it's so bad that why bother? I'm throwing my arms in and I'm giving up. I want you to know that regardless of where you are in that conversation, there's always time and it's never too late.

Absolutely. And want you to know that we are here to help. Today in Love Shack, we're going to talk all about exactly what you need to know when you're looking for help and support with your struggling relationship. You just know something is not right. We'll talk about when it's time to seek outside help, what kind of help is available to you. You. And how to get the most out of the support that you receive.

So take a breath. We're going to talk about some things that are going to blow your mind. We're going to talk about some things from a very different perspective than traditionally. What's out there. So roll up your sleeves and let's get ready. We'll be right back after this short break.

I met Stacy and Tom about two years ago. I was at a point in my relationship where I was ready to file for divorce. Not that I wanted to, but I just felt hopeless and helpless. I'd been through other counseling and coaching and didn't find any success with Stacy and Tom's methods. I was able to eliminate insecurities, set boundaries, plant my flag, eliminate rabbit hole. I was separated from my wife for a year and I have since moved back home for the last six months. Now I still refer back to a lot of the teaching that Stacy and Tom provided and it's helped me. It's well worth it.

Learn the simple three step system to rescue your struggling relationship by registering for Stacy's brand new free workshop. Reserve your seat by going to stacybartley.com.

Hi, I'm Coach Debbie from Story U Talk Radio and I want to encourage you to write your book weekly. I offer topics about style and storytelling. I take your questions on our live show every Thursday at 4 o' clock or you can subscribe to Story U. That's capital um on any of your favorite platforms. Hi, I'm Stacey Bartley, the author of my new book Feeling Like Marriage is a Divorce Mediator's guide to Ensuring a Lifetime of Love. In this book I integrate a no nonsense grip on reality with a compassionate understanding of human behavior to provide you with a systemic approach to marital bliss that is easy to understand and implement in your life. Read this book to find out how to make marital magic happen and you can do that by going to LifetimeOfLove Me again, that's Lifetime of Love Me.

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Welcome back Inside The Love Shack, episode 84. We are your host, Tom and Stacy Bartley. We're going to step right into, you know, how do we navigate, what do we look for? What should we be know, paying attention to, not paying attention to, you know, when we are struggling in our relationships. There's a lot out there, ladies and gentlemen. There is a lot out there and we know it's very confusing. We're going to try to bring that some to some context and referencing. Get your arms around that.

Yes, you know, we, we have stepped into the relationship space online in 2013 and as we have participated in this online space, it's amazing. I bet it's quadruple if quadrupled, if not more, which with relationship coaches, et cetera. And so we really wanted to do an episode to kind of help you weed through. Okay, if this is going on, what should I do? If this is going on, what's a good fit for me? And to help you navigate some of those choices when we finally do muster up the courage to raise our hand and say, you know what, I need some help, this isn't going well. And when we find ourselves in this place, there's all kinds of conversations that are going to fire off in our head. Right. Our brain is going to go crazy with trying to think of the, the reasons why I should or shouldn't get some help. And when that line has been, you know, crossed.

And I would just add not only your brain, but everyone's brain around you, because everyone in your circle of closest influence is all of a sudden going to be your very best advisor.

Yeah. So I would say the minute that you think you're getting advice about your relationship outside of the relationship itself, like that early on, that would be a really good time to get some relationship help because often we go outside of that relationship to have those conversations because there's something going on inside of the relationship that we quite don't know how to handle or talk about or navigate through. And earlier is better than later. Like, I love premarital counseling, I love the premarital side of things. And we don't even have to be getting married. We're just going to move in together and we're going to start co creating a life together that's a really great time to get some, some help and support. But let's say, like most of us, and I would say, you know, uncannily, 99.9% of us, we're going to miss that window. We're going to think, ah, we got this. I just need to talk to my mom, my pastor, my bishop, my friend. Right. About things that are going on inside of my relationship. We'll get this handled, no problem. We're going to step in and we're going to go a little deeper. Right. And as I like to say, matters of the heart tend to escalate over time. Wouldn't you say that's true? Like, you know, it keeps showing up and we keep trying to get creative about how we're going to handle it this time, but, you know, we can settle it for a minute and then it crops up somewhere else. Right.

Or we might take the good old approach of crossing our fingers and hope it goes away.

Yeah. So the next thing that's going to happen is you're finding that you are shutting down more or you're in fights more and this is leading to a lot of emotional chaos and upset with inside of yourself and within the relationship itself. Again, that would be a really, really great time to get so.

So, babes, I know there's a lot of things as you just shared, there's a lot of different opportunities, different places that you one can go once you do raise your hand. And you know what, let us just acknowledge you because I would say it's one of the most courageous things that any of us do. I would say this is not something that we run down to the water cooler and are anxious to share. I'm being hypothetical here, but even my, in my past experience, my own brothers, who are my closest friends, my brothers are ungrateful that are also my best friends, didn't even know to the degree of what I was navigating. My only point in sharing that is most people even really close to us because we're so close to the cuff, if you will, especially the male energy. You know, the male is typically very shut down, doesn't want to say anything. So when you do raise your hand, we acknowledge you and understand that takes a tremendous amount of courage. And what we want to do in this episode is to help you take advantage of that momentum and that decision. And if you get mirrored down in this just sea of, of, of over overwhelm, you're probably going to say, I guess it's not that bad and not make a choice. So. So babe, share with us some, some places that kind of drive you crazy, you know, and what you see out there. And again, please understand we're not banging on any body of work or any person. We're just trying to make this as reduce as much friction as we can. Because unfortunately most people, when they come to us, I mean, we're grateful to work with them, but they probably have waited too long.

Well, they've waited for that escalation to happen again and again and again and again. And realize every time we go around of that escalation or that fighting, there's a little bit of what we call emotional safety that's taken out of the relationship. Or if I were to put it into a better metaphor, it would be a little air has been left let out of that emotional safety balloon. It's like, shh. We just let it out ever so slowly and. And then something egregious happens and it goes, it all comes out in nanoseconds. And so this emotional safety is so important to our relationships because if we don't feel safe enough to share, we won't. And this is when we talk to more people outside of our relations and sometimes that can be very detrimental to the relationship as well because our well meaning parents and friends that are closest to you, they love you, they want to support you, they get fired up just like you do when things are not working for you and when you hurt, they hurt. And so I have a client that's coming to mind right now where her family completely turned against her partner because of all the conversations she was having to them about him, which really put him at a disadvantage because all of a sudden he had a no win situation.

So said another way, you're, you're suggesting or not even suggesting. I'm just having a little fun. It's very difficult for the people that love us to truly be objective. Let's just be honest. I mean, of course your family, they and friends, they love you. Yes. So not that they're taking aside, but it's going to be very difficult unless they're a professional that's trained to be able to, to, to work in these very contentious and emotional situations to truly be objective. Let's just be honest, it doesn't happen.

So to, to answer the question of when is it time to get help? It's going to be sooner is better than later. I would err on the side of caution. And if you find yourself escalating and finding yourself in continuous conversations and fights that are not taking you anywhere but breakdown and disappointment, then those are all really great signs that it's time to raise your hand and get some support. Support.

So what happens? I know I'm speaking from personal experience here. You know, we call this when you're trying to decide you're in a, you're in a relationship for however length of time it's been, close relationship with your husband, partner, spouse, significant other. And you know, we say it's the land of maybe. Some days it's yes, some days it's no, some days it's maybe so. So let's say it's, you know, you're, you're. Gosh, yeah, you know, where we all know we have these intuitive feelings and hunches and then we get the, we get a yes day and we say oh no, we're good, you know, and then we take the hand back down and then, you know, a couple days later, oh gosh, it's a no. You know, so my question is how do we all have, we work with people, myself included. You know, again, this is a very, I was there for years in all fairness. So how do, how do you, how. What could you share with us that would help us maybe springboard through that constant yes, no, maybe so could be many months and years or maybe never people choose to finally raise their hand.

Well, if you're experience anything, any, or if you're experiencing anything that Tom just described, get some help. Again, error on the side of, of caution because often what we find is people wait too long. There is so much as they would say water under the bridge or baggage that's been accumulated because of the rounds and rounds of breakdown that has happened in the relationship. So if you want things to go, the sooner you get help, the more available that is to you because you don't have all of the backlog of disappointment and betrayal, etc. That's going to bog you down. Now, having said that, I also want you to hear the same token. It's never too late. It really isn't. We've turned relationships around that are in, you know, near death mode. Life support, they were definitely on life support. But also remember, relationships are a roller coaster by nature. Like emotions travel fast, they shape shift, they're dynamic. And so it is normal for all relationships to not be any one way. And I think that's what causes us to wait. In addition to the fear of knowing the right person or how this rolls or what am I going to anticipate and am I going to be made to be the bad person in the relationship? Am I going to be blamed for all of this? Right. Or I want to blame my person that drags us to getting help, which is all manipulative. Right? What tends to happen is that conversation of even riding that emotional wave, some days are going to be good. There are, there is good in your relationship. That's why you want to stay. You care. And sometimes we don't realize that the more emotional pain or angst we have about our relationship, often the more I care, the more I want this to go well. And we forget all about that because we get mired in the emotional pain of it all.

And how about this is something that I think is unique to us. We say, and we know that very rarely if, if people, two people in a relationship or more whatever works are one person typically is at a different place than the other person or person. So always usually some the, we call that the, the Braveheart, the someone that says, okay, I, I know I can't do this anymore, but the fact that I have to wait until my partner is going to also raise his or her hand and now we both are going to step in and know, ladies and gentlemen, that never happens. And what we say is it only takes one person to course. Correct. Change the place that your relationship is. And so many times, right, Mrs. Bartley, our clients come to us first individually and then through working with Stacy and us, we can help them invite and welcome that second part. Other partner.

Absolutely. I wouldn't say never. It does happen where both people will step in because they both realize which is ideal, critical juncture that they're in. But absolutely, one person can absolutely, absolutely affect the trajectory. In fact, sometimes, and very often, it's the catalyst that gets the other person on board. I respect and honor, I say to my partner who doesn't want to get help, I respect and honor the fact that you're not ready right now, but I am. And so I just want you to know I'm going to move forward. That's a very empowering, important conversation for you and your partner. And if you want, I'll share with you what I'm learning and what I'm knowing to be true. And if not, then you can find your way there, right? And ofttimes what ends up happening is the person that's seeking help, support is changing, right? The way they show up is changing. The way they're handling, right. Some of the difficult conversations and conflict that they're bumping into starts to change, and that causes the person to go, yeah, you're seeing that person, right? Stacy and Tom, like, what? Oh, oh, is that a Stacy and Tom thing? They'll say, and, and then eventually they'll say, okay, I'm, I'm ready. We have to understand that as human beings, we're all on our own learning curve, right? And just because you might be ready and you've mustered up the courage to step in and raise your hand and it is a courageous move, just like Tom said, your partner may not be, but that doesn't mean that they won't be over time. It doesn't mean that with your demonstration and you kind of performing the catalyst of this situation of saying, we're going to get some help here. I can't. I don't want to do this anymore because I realize we're in a cycle of breakdown, not break through. I'm going to raise my hand and I'm going to do this for us.

And we're really, really helpful and we honor and acknowledge that place. And so we're willing, I mean, and able and ready to help you have that conversation. Sometimes some of our clients in your, in times past have say, gosh, Stacy, Tom, you know, would you please call my partner and you talk with them without me there so they'll get a sense of you without me there. Meaning. So we're, we're willing to look at all, any and all options to Help you help welcome your partner that is maybe not feeling the same way you are. And we've done it many, many times and it usually goes well. And sometimes the partner will still continue to not participate, but that door is always open.

Well, and sometimes the person doesn't know how to even approach the conversation around getting some help and support. They're afraid to even have that conversation. And so we can also help you have that conversation with your person. Right. We can empower you with knowing how to best put a toe in the water to see if it's something that they're open to. We do a lot of that as well.

So I mean, it's literally the practicing of like. Because I know, like, how would I even begin to like, put a sequence of words together? So we literally break it down like that. Here's how we would suggest you go about it. And then we just, we role play. I mean, it's. It's just like anything else. I mean, it's a. It's a practice of literally formulating the words in a certain way where it's going to be very welcoming and inviting versus condemning. I always say, think of the difference versus it. When you've been condemned or you've been invited to somewhere, it's a very. Could not be more of a different of an experience.

Yeah, if. And you know, people, I'm realizing, and we've said this before, but I'm just going to say it again. In our many hours of conversation, we hold the position that any, any education or knowledge or information to better a human being's life is good. That that's good work, that's good investment, that's a good place to step into. And so we would always say, gosh, you don't wait until you're in heightened conflict, which most of us do. I mean, if you have a senso sensation that you would like to become better at relationships, that's also a great time to step in and get help with relationships. And I think, babe, that's one of the things that makes our work a lot different than most out there. Even though we would do therapeutic types of things, processes. You know, I'm an integrated trauma couples specialist. You know, I've done a lot of. I'm a cht, a certified hypnotherapist. I have a lot of credentials. And who cares about that? Are you effective? That's what you want to focus on. But I'm saying that because a lot of us think that when we do get help, all we're going to do is hash our problems that you're going to come in and we're going to talk about the horrible things that have gone on and then, you know, me, us, you know, are going to play the, the mediators in so much that we're going to say you're wrong, they're right. You know, this is where you need to take responsibility and, and you need to apologize or some version of that. Right. Somebody has to be wrong and somebody has to be blamed. And I want you to know nothing could be further from it.

Yeah, there seems our years of doing this work. No question, babe. There's a very limited perspective as to what people think is possible. And this is the whole reason in Genesis for this episode and probably some more is to help you understand what we're all about is to get you as quickly and effectively and as efficiently into these six building blocks for how does one create and maintain and continually work on a lifetime of love? It is not only for the chosen few, I promise you it's not. But it follows and requires the same tenants that one does when they're successful, say in their professional career or their entrepreneurial business career or their physical or sports career or body of work or interest. Meaning it takes commitment, it takes focus, it takes time invested to become better and better through practicing and practicing and practicing. We drink our own coffee, ladies and gentlemen. We work on this every single day. I promise you for probably more hours than you can even imagine.

I love that you added in the word practice there. I thought there for a minute you were going to like leave it out. And yes, I like to use this metaphor that we get good at relationships just like we get good at everything else. And that is through implementation, learning and practice. And there is, there is nothing that will get you there without those three things. And what that means is then we can all be good at love. Like there is no person who that truly desires to be. Be masterful at the arts of relationship that. That everyone can be, I guess is what I'm trying to say. Everyone can be. It's just a matter of will you learn what you need to know, implement what needs to be done and practice.

Those things every day and you're going to make messes. We all make messes. Because Stacy's probably first and favorite tenet is we're humans. If you're humans, raise your hand. If you're listening, raise your hand. Not if you're driving, perhaps only one arm. But then realize we're mess making machines. So no, all kidding aside, we're mess making machines. So normalize. Realize this going to make messes. So the whole key, the secret sauce, I would say to us is helping us understand we make messes. And the key to a great relationship is learning how to make. Excuse me. Learn how to navigate and clean those messes up incredibly fast and effective.

So let's talk about some places where you might get bogged down in this journey. Because if you were to pull up a Google search, okay, hopefully we've given you some ideas to know when to get, get some help like raise your hand and sooner is better than later. And gosh, if you just want to get better at relationships, that's a great.

And you only need even if your partner's not ready, if you're ready, then move forward.

Yeah. Yeah. So let's take the next step. Okay. Let's say you're right. Okay. I am. I'm gonna, I'm gonna learn. I'm gonna get better. I'm gonna, I'm gonna grow here because it's been a while and there are some things that I get nervous about and there are some things I really don't know how to talk about or share. And there are some aspects inside of myself that continuously get me in hot water and curse great places and experiences that I don't want to have anymore. So I start looking. Now. There's some places that I'm going to point out that you might have a tendency to get bogged down in. Right. And these things are going to be like this. And you're probably going to be surprised to hear me say this, but I'm, I'm very impassioned about this, so I got to just tell the truth. I'm going to lay it down here, honey.

All right.

All right. The first thing is you're going to probably study your love language that seems to be really popular. Okay. You're gonna maybe look at your star sign or maybe you're going to take some of those really wonderful relationship quizzes. You might even join a narcissist group or you might do some kind of a personality online profile.

How about attachment style?

Yeah, you might take some quizzes to do your attachment style. We even have one of those on our podcast, to be perfectly honest. Right. And so in and of themselves, these are not bad things. But I also want to let you know they are going to be short lived. What they give us is an aspect of seeing ourselves. And I want you to think of it as like taking a snapshot in time because none of these quizzes or love languages or personality profiles or star signs or enneagrams. I could go on and on. Are the totality of who you are. But they do help us see and understand ourselves from that one perspective. And it gives us this moment of, like, validation. And I go, yeah, that feels so good. I get it now. I understand. And you're going to do it, too. And then we can understand each other, and then we feel like we're making progress, and then we go back to the same old cycles that we've been living. Even though I know your love language is words of affirmation, right? And minus time, what good is that going to do me if we get pressed emotionally and I don't know what to do, and we do that thing I do, which is usually a version of control or collapse, so I either rip your face off or we collapse and go missing. Or. Or maybe a combo of both.

Silent treatment.

Both of those.

The silent treatment.

But I still know what my star sign is. I still know what my love language is. I still know, right. All of these things about myself, but I still don't have what I need or. Or what is required to navigate through these ups and downs of life. Okay, I liken this unto feeling like you're making progress at going to the gym. Okay. You know, you want to work out, you know, you want to get stronger, maybe a little more flexible, lose a few lbs, and you buy the bag and that feels really fun and good. And you buy the shoes and that feels really good and fun. And you get the new workout outfit and the new headband and the sweat towel. Don't forget that. You know, in the water bottle. In totality, though, you're really not making any progress in the direction that you want to go until you actually show up and do a workout consistently. One workout's not going to do it right. Two workouts, it's going to have to be something that becomes a part of your lifestyle in your life, at least for a while. Maybe not forever, but for a while. And that's how it is in relationships. We take the quizzes, we do the profiles, personality profiles. We get, all right, excited about our love language, but at the end of the day, we're really not making any progress towards. Right. Being better or becoming better lovers or. Or creating that experience of love for a lifetime that is available because that won't happen until we learn how to show up in the emotional weightlifting gem.

Of life, which is one of our. So that a good segue? I think so. What are. So we've Stacy and I have put together.

Well before we go there. I think it's important. I got a little excited. I'm sorry. I know. But I think there's one more piece because I mentioned it briefly. But I think we need to do a little bit of a deeper dive because this is also a place where we can tend to get stuck as beings. We can get stuck in the labels. Okay. We think that, again, if we can label things, it helps us to understand it, and it does. Right. We love to label things because it helps us make sense of what's happening. But the part we never talk about is the fact that labels also bring in a layer of judgment. If I'm labeling you, right, or labeling myself, then that means I've just separated us as human beings. Things. And that can become very problematic in our relationships because the minute I start labeling you is the minute that I start pushing you away. And we don't realize that that's happening right now. What's very cliche and trendy in the world of relationships is trying to decide who's the narcissist. Who's the narcissist in the relationship. And what we're really saying is, whose fault is this? Who's being controlling? Who is it that's taking all the empathy off the table? Who is it that doesn't care about this thing called our relationship? And how could you. And just the very labeling of it and the deep dive into it is going to spin us up and make us more angry and frustrated, vengeful, revengeful in and of itself. It's not going to take me anywhere. And the reality is, whether we're talking about narcissism or codependency or relationship attachment style, are you insecure or adverse, or, you know, all the many places where we could go in labeling what it is that's happening in our relationships, it's still not going to help us come together, create safety, to navigate and improve our relationships together. And so labels are not good for us. Because the reality is, as a human being, I have the capacity as a person who can create anything in my life, and you, too, listener, to be any of those things. Things. And let's be honest, there are times when all of us can be narcissistic. All of us can be holes. All of us can make a mess. All of us can be manipulative. All of us can shut the conversation down. All of us can be afraid. All of us can be codependent and insecure. That's a human condition that we will cycle through as a human being and we never talk about that. So rather we talk about those things and learn about being a human being and let the labels go because then as a collective, we can come together and navigate to a new place. So if you are stuck in labels, I'm going to tell you right now, they're going to usually lead you to feeling stuck because there's going to be a bottom there where it doesn't serve you anymore. And now I'm in breaking down and I'm, I'm angry. I'm, I'm thinking about one of our wonderful clients like she. And she's become not only a client, but a very dear friend. And do you remember how hung up she was on her, her partner being a covert narcissist. And she would not let that go. And she didn't realize how continuing to learn about COVID narcissism broke her down more and more and more and more once she really understood what it was and the role that it was playing in her relationship. Right? And she was, she was wanting that person to pay because it had created so much pain in her life without realizing now she was paying because of her inability to let go.

And again, it's not to dismiss Ms. Or say there's not problems going on again, we're mess making machines. But more importantly, correct me if I'm wrong, babe, we want to teach and mentor and empower you to how to understand what's going on. Again, we have to understand first what's going on inside of ourself. That's what we call our internal movie. And also understand what's going on for our partners internal movie. And then from that place, you know, I can share a little bit of myself with you and you can share a little bit yourself with me. And then we can navigate the inevitable ups and downs that are of these problems that Stacy just described. And we don't know where they're going to lead. We never take a position. I say this often, whether our clients should stay together or not. But what we take a position on and we teach a mentor to the very best of our ability is to have it go well. Because in the absence of going well, it will literally be like napalm running through your relationship. And if you have any children involved, whatever ages they are, it will go through that entire chain of lineage. It will destroy and damage like you cannot imagine if it doesn't go well. And we always say divorce is not hard on kids. It's the parents behavior that is hard on kids.

Well, and so you might be thinking right now as a listener, well, gosh, if we. If we don't label, then how in the world are we ever going to understand?

How am I going to know? Exactly.

Yeah.

So that's a. Is now a good segue into our six.

Well, I just want to answer that question, if I may, because that's an. That's an important question.

It is. It is.

We are more interested in helping you understand human behavior and why it is we do what we do so that we don't necessarily have to label it. We can understand it from a behavior perspective. And I can also see myself in those places, and I can also see my person or my significant people that I love in my life in that place. And what it does is it helps us understand as a collective and give support and grace to us all eventually. Right. It's not me against you. You know, this isn't going so well because you're this or that. It's. It's us understanding human behavior overall. And I find that is an incredible gateway, an incredible place to just exhale for a moment and realize, okay, that makes sense. Now we can navigate forward.

I would say oftentimes we hear, and you correct me if I'm wrong, that why haven't I learned this, this before?

Always. Always. So we are big on education. We are really, really big on education. We won't start vetting out the emotional problems. Right. And. And doing that thing they therapists call, you know, hashing our problems. I'm sorry, not therapists, but us, as. As couples say, hashing our problems with the therapist. We're not going to hash. We're going to start by learning and understanding and exploring that. And that's really the first building block of our program, which is foundations. We have to lay a foundation of understanding about what it is to be a human and how us as human beings create connection and all the places that it can go awry because of what's happening emotionally inside of us. We're going to all have that thing I do, and that thing I do is the reaction to the way that I feel, heal, and I can take it out on people. That's traditionally what we do. But I can also implode and hold it in, too. But how do. And we all have our creative coping strategies there. We all have a very creative thing that we do, and it's important that we understand that. So foundations is the place where we really just start to learn. Okay. Human behavior, relationships, and the light bulbs start to Go on. It's like, oh, my gosh, this makes so much sense. Oh, my gosh, I can't believe that I didn't know this. Oh, my gosh, how come this isn't toxic taught in schools? And I say, honey, if we have our way with this, hopefully someday we will be able to teach them to younger and younger kids. And we're not just learning them in our 30s, 40s, 50s, and 60s. But even if you are, you know, like to say, better late than never, right?

So building block number one is foundation.

Gotta have the foundation. We gotta have an understanding here instead of pointing fingers, pulling out the blame, trying to get to the bottom of whose fault this is, because it's not going to take us anywhere. And again, those quizzes are labele. They're not going to really help us make any progress here either. It's really a place where we have to learn. We have to roll up our sleeves and understand human behavior and what that is in the realm of love and relationships. And then we stepped into number two, right? The next building block that we've got to step into in spite of being, you know, this idea of communication, we got to improve our communication. That's our problem. We got to get better at communication. You're right. But I can't do communication or teach you communication frameworks on the front side, because even if I did, if you didn't have this second building block of emotional weightlifting, you wouldn't use them like, like you're. You would get emotionally pressed and you would go back to doing that thing you do, the thing you always have been doing and the thing that you probably learned to do or the opposite of that, by the family of origin that you grew up in. So we have to learn the emotional weightlifting before we can get to the communication piece. Otherwise it won't do any good. Right? So once you have the foundations, we step into emotional weightlifting. And this is where we learn how to regulate and understand our own emotional experience. Like, this is where magic starts to happen. And I feel like I'm actually getting better at how I show up in my relationship. And I'm also creating a space for my personal person to do the same. Right? This is where we start to see incredible transformation for our clients. And in fact, we are going to create the first ever emotional weightlifting gym online because we all need a place to come and practice this, learn about this. Where do you go to practice emotionally strengthening yourself? Right. Right here in our first ever emotional weightlifting gym. And if that's something that you're interested in. You can find all the information to sign up. I actually have to get the book to get on the resource or just.

Reach out to us. Loveaceybartley.com it's in the works and we'll be talking a lot about it.

So this is where I learn how to speak up. I have a voice to ask for what it is. I want to let you know when you're stepping on my emotional toe to talk about the things that I know are not working in my relationship without blowing this up as a fight. This, this is the place where I get to validate and honor myself. That's important, right? So that I don't get so needy and insecure in my relationships with my person and I don't need so much from them as far as validation goes. And that may not make any sense to you right now, but I just wanted to give you an idea of some of the conversations that happen in that second building block of emotional weightlifting. It's so important and it's the thing, I promise, you've never been taught. Because if we don't know how to do emotional weightlifting, we are very easily manipulated. Long pause there. Most of us are little manipulators and we're trying to get our needs met through leverage and manipulation. And that's going to be the case unless we can become, we can become better at our own emotional strength and resilience. So then we step into number three. We're finally ready now if I can regulate my emotions, we can finally step into some communication frameworks and I can learn and practice how to say it.

So again, I would just emphasize that, that. And of all the many, many intake surveys and things that we've done over the years, by far and away the number one place when we say, what do you feel is your problem? Why are you reaching out to us? It's always communication. So I'm just sharing that in our approach and what we've Learned over almost 10 years of working with individuals and couples. You're not ready. So you first have to have the foundation, then you have to understand what emotional weightlifting. And then you're ready, ready for communication. So it's, it's, it's, it's not, it's not weird. It's different, but it's different for a reason. And hopefully you, you've gotten your arms around some of the reason why Stacy has structured it this way.

Well, and in communication, it's all about getting specifics. And we don't realize, most of us, that in our Communication. We're very vague or we're very platitudish. We're dropping hints more than we're getting down to the heart of the matter of being specific about what I need, what I want, what's working and what's not. And we think that this is being loving and kind in relationships. And I need you to know that as a human being, it's the most cruel thing we do to ourselves and to our partners. Because if we leave a void there and we leave them to make up what they think I need or want, or I don't get specific about what it is I need or want to remedy what I'm feeling emotionally, they fill it in, typically with the worst possible thing that could be happening to me is happening now. They're going to fill it in with their biggest fears and insecurities that are firing off with inside of themselves. For example, if you forget to take the trash out, it's not about the trash being overlooked. It's about where I go emotionally about that trash can being not taken out. Oh, you don't care. You don't put in as much as me. This doesn't matter to you. What I say doesn't matter to you. I don't matter to you. I can go all kinds of places there, and if I get specific and say, hey, it would really mean a lot to me if you would make sure the trash gets out today day, then I would know you love me. I've been very specific and we're talking about the things that matter most. And that's kind. If I say take the trash out, don't forget to take the trash out today. Okay? You think you can pull that together? You think you make that happen and then it doesn't happen because I'm going, you know what? Screw you. Whatever. You know, you didn't even ask nice, right? I. If I'm hurting, you're going to hurt. I'm not going to do anything to make you feel better when I'm hurting over here, here. And guess what? You come home and the trash isn't out. But it's really not about the trash. It's about the specifics of what it is I need that would be so helpful. And oft times, we don't feel like we can go there. We need to practice going there. And I promise you that's going to be a practice. Like, it's tough to get the words out of your mouth when they're new. It was for me, it is for our clients. And I just Want to normalize.

And especially they're tough to get out of your mouth mouth when they're new when you're triggered.

Oh, for sure, for sure. So communication is absolutely the next step.

So building block number four, we've going from communication to building block number four is.

And this is where we get to start talking about the promises and commitments that I make to you and that I make to myself. These are important because these are the things that backhoe our relationships from having safety and being able to share to not. Let's go back to the example of the garbage can. If I make a promise to you and I just go, yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever, I'll do it. But I have really no intent intentions of doing it. I know that at the moment those words are coming out of my mouth. I don't realize the high price that I'm going to pay with inside of myself and within my relationship as well. Like that little thing creates egregious senses or emotions of betrayal. And we think that's silly and stupid and then we get defensive about that, not want to talk about it. And these are the things that really undermine our relationships and we're not really even aware of them. So it's important that we start talking about commitments and agreements and how those impact ourselves and how we show up in our relationships as well as our relationships overall. And we have a lease option contract for love that fits really nicely here where we take everything that you've learned up to this point in time and we plug in some things that we're driving for specifically and we stay highlighted on those as it relates to the commitments that we're making and the checks and balances that are in place to help us be successful with those agreements and commitments and know when to say, yes, I'll take care of that, and when to be honest and say, I'm not going to do that, do that. No, I'm sorry, I can't do that, won't do that. It's better for us to say those kinds of things specifically than to make promises that we don't intend to keep. Right? So that's an important piece. And then play in novelty is something that comes after that with the number the fifth building block. And that's a place where we get to bond, we get to laugh, we get to reconnect. And more importantly, above all else, we get to refuel our emotional bodies with gas. Gas. More relationships end because we simply run out of emotional gas to solve them because we hang out in pain too long.

I Would say, how many times have you heard, let's say someone in your close circle, you know, when they reach this very difficult decision, I can't, I just can't do this any longer because I've run out of gas. I mean they literally, you hear that said often. Well, they've run out of emotional gas, obviously.

Man, it does sound just like that. I can't do this anymore. I just can't do this anymore. They don't know why. They just know that there's nothing left.

No energy is left to expend in this manner of, of things aren't going well.

Yeah. To explore it, understand it, to work on it, to practice it. Nothing. They've just spent no bandwidth. No bandwidth, no bandwidth. And so play and novelty. We want to make sure you understand the nuances of play and novelty as it relates to being a human being. Because too often play is thought of only for childhood. As adults, our games have structures, structures and purpose and rules and they're very competitive. That's not play. Children play just for the sake of playing. It's just for the sheer joy of it. And lovers need to learn how to do that as well. We're playing just for the sheer joy of it. We play together. We understand how to laugh and enjoy and please and surprise.

Well, I would say it's so important and it's so often overlooked. That's why we develop vote, you know, a portion of every single show, you know, to play and novelty and fun. It's that important.

So when we understand the principles, the human behavior principles of play and novelty, we start to learn and discover that it opens our hearts to deeper bonding. It, it spikes cooperation and desire to be cooperative and not competitive. And it's very much a life giving activity when it comes to matters of the heart. And yet it gets shut down when we step into adulthood. It's a huge problem. We have to be able to put some of our problems on the shelf and go have some play in novelty so that we have the gas and the emotional gas tank to continue to work on the things that are challenging us. And without that, we just run out of a little more emotional gas. A little more emotional gas. And then I say, I just can't do this anymore. And that brings us to the last building block.

Block which is probably going to surprise people that you have it in this order. It even did me.

Did it really? Which one did you think this one was going to be in? Well, I'm just curious.

Certainly towards the front.

Really? That's surprising.

Towards the front.

Building block number six is sex and intimacy. Because with these first five building blocks, we can now talk about sex and intimacy from a place of going deeper and safer into the exploration of ourselves. Ourselves. A lot of us don't understand in our human intimacy or our human sexuality that really sex and intimacy is a great vehicle for exploring more about myself and exploring more with my partner. And without these critical foundational blocks set up in the order in which they are, Sex and intimacy is either going to be the place I think I need to start and I can't seem to make progress after a certain point or it's going to be the last thing on my mind. And it's a very key criteria critical component of our relationships. But it needs to go on the end because the same principles and skills that you're going to practice in navigating through the challenges of life are going to be the same skills and principles you use to go deeper in your sex and intimacy life.

So how about, how about a recap as we, as we start to land this part of our show again?

Building block number one is foundations. That's where we learn the basic core principles of what it's like to be a being human. Human. And how human beings show up in relationships.

Building block number two, that's going to.

Be all about emotional weightlifting. The ability to emotionally regulate oneself for the benefit of the whole.

Building block number three.

What is building block?

Communication. Communication. You can't really. It's. You're not going to be able to communicate unless you know how to regulate and do those. What Stacy calls in her book emotional push ups. And building block number four.

Building block number four is going to be all about agreements and coming commitments. This is where we evaluate these little teeny tiny things that are backhoeing our relationships because of that sense of potential.

This is where our, our trademark lease option contract for Love is an outstanding frame and tool for people to use because they typically get really, really struggle in this area. And building block number five, they struggle.

And play a novelty ironically as well, like just exhaling and playing for no sensical reason, which is part of the.

Lease option cost contract. You get real specific in play and novelty.

Yeah, that's important. And it refuels our emotional gas tanks. And then the last building block is sex and intimacy. The ability to go safer and deeper into oneself and our partners. And those are the six basic building blocks to creating a great relationship. And that's what you'll go through when you come and work with us. So if anything has resonated with you here today, there are many, many simple ways that you can put a toe in the water to explore these things that we've talked about today by chanter somebody who's raising their hand or thinking they want to explore and get better at this thing we call love. You can go to our website. There's a wonderful little mini course that you can put a toe in the water for free. If you're a reader like me and you just got to get a book to try and figure it out, go get our book feeling like your marriage is dead. A divorce Mediator's guide for creating or ensuring that love for a lifetime. There's a book resource page to that book and it's going to walk you through through a little piece of all of these things that we've talked about.

Or if you want to schedule an individual session. We work with people all over the world as long as you speak English. But you don't need to be local. Right here outside of Sacramento. We work with people locally and work with people all over the world. Again, reach out self. Schedule a time and day that works for you. You'll meet with Stacy and she'll put together a plan after talking with you and really understanding where you're at, where you want to go. So Those are really three places. Best place probably is our brand new five day, 15 minutes a day video mini course on how to rescue your relationship. See, we need 15 minutes of your day for five days.

Yeah. So I hope that helps you get on the road to getting some help and support. Because you know what? You deserve it. Your relationship deserves it. I believe that we all deserve toe tingling love. We really. And it is available to all of us, not just the chosen few. So if you know that you need help and support or you just want to improve where you are. Right. Maybe it's not embraced. Breakdown. Reach out and explore what's possible here. Encourage you to do.

And we're gonna take some, take a break and we're gonna come back and have some fun.

Yahoo. Playing novelty, baby.

We'll be right back.

Hey babe. Did you know that the average couple spends only two hours a day with each other? And the majority of that time is spent eating, watching TV and surfing social media rather than connecting with each other other. And if children are involved, my gosh, it's even less time than that.

I know, babe. That's why you created our conversation cards for connection. Because they're the perfect conversation starter. So the next time you're sitting on a couch. Rather than turning on the TV or grabbing your phone, pull out a card and get ready for some good old fashioned laughter and love and connection.

Yeah, you can get your cards@staceybartley.com be.

Sure to support the sponsors of your.

Favorite shows on Alternative Talk 1150.

Welcome back. Welcome back Inside the Love Shack. We're going to step right into the follow some fun where we at. I don't even know what to follow the fun.

And I'm going to just say this right now. Specifics. You know, we were talking about that just a few minutes ago. I want you to do this for me.

Okay.

Would you please?

Yes. This may be the first time you've ever said that publicly on our show. I want you to do this for me.

I would love for you.

I'm gonna have to report back. If you guys hold me accountable. I need to, in detail, in specifics how this went. So what is, what am I, what am I going to be creating?

Okay, here it is with you. I, I called it or titled it the Love Box.

The Love Box.

Don't you love that name?

I love the Love Box.

And what I want you to do is purchase a small little box and you can get it at like Target, Walmart. If you're here in the States, any kind of like a homegood store, you're going to be able to find just a small little cute box that you can like leave out on the counter. Okay. And then put it out on the counter and just tell me that you're going to put some surprises in it. And the thing is fun, I know what's coming, but your person's not going to know what's coming if you're engaging in this Follow the fun. When we set it up like that, it creates anticipation, which is incredibly exciting.

So then once I, I select my box and put it on our counter, am I going to let you know when to look in it or you.

Yes, you're going to say, hey, there's some surprises that are coming in this box. But don't look yet.

Check out the love box, baby.

That's actually fun.

I like that.

Okay, sweet. Now what are you going to do with the love box through the coming week? You know, start this on a week, Monday, Monday's a great day to do this.

Sounds good.

You say, hey, I got this little box because you picked it up over the weekend. Don't look in there until they tell you to. There's going to be some surprises in there. And then you just leave it out on the counter. And through the week, unbeknownst to me, you're feeling it with all kinds of, like, little notes or little treats that you think I want. And they don't have to be big. They can be very, very small. Small. So here's some things to get you started. People who say, oh, I don't know what to write. Okay, well, then don't worry, I got some prompts. You know, Tom, for you, I'm going to leave it to your imagination because you know what I like. You know, my basic small things that would fit in a small box. Right. And I would love to know your answers to these questions. What I love and appreciate about you right now is fill in the blank, write it on a little piece of paper, put it in the love box. Next. The most memorable time that comes up for me often is fill in the blank. I love to see you dressed in what, Tell me. I would love to know. And these are the specifics that sometimes we overlook, but they're so fun for us to know. I get so turned on when you fill in the blank. And there's lots of these little things. Right. What I want you to know. Know, or what I think about you during the day is. Or my favorite attribute of you is.

So all of those, again, those would be. That's fairy dust, if you will. And you can. No one can ever spread it enough or too much of it, and no one can receive too much of it. That doesn't even involve going anywhere other than just taking some time and being introspective and. And really sharing what it is you're love and appreciation.

Because at the end of the day.

We all want to be appreciated, know that we matter, and know that this relationship is important. That's what really the three things that we're all asking for. So by doing that, you're going to hit them all right out of the park.

Well, then you put a bow on it. And then you're going to make me a wonderful dinner, pour some wine, got to have wine. And then you're going to give me my box and we're going to go through it together.

Oh, cool.

Now, once the box has been created, the really fun thing about the love box is it can go both ways. Because after all, you know, love is a give and receive. So I can put notes in there for you, too. And then we're checking the box during the day. Love it. And if we get into a bumpy spot, we can go to the love box and remember a lot of things because the Number one thing that we forget when we have a fight is that I care. I'm just upset. I forget that I care. So a love box is something that you can use and just set out in your house along with those rocks we talked about. Was it an episode or two ago?

Can't remember. Okay.

We're stockpiling some things. And listen, if this feels like it's out of reach for your release relationship, there's another sign that maybe I could reach out and get some help and support here.

So we're running out of time when we got to get in our song. It's one of my favorites.

What do we feel announced the song? What is it?

It's Kim. It's called if it's love and it's awesome. And it's just they said, honey, I need some help on the song. And I, I grabbed it. I knew right away. Every, every podcast, every show, we have a song. Why? Because it helps you feel. It's the emotional part of life. We have a playlist, so check it out. Listen to the song first and listen to the episode.

It's a wonderful thing. And I just got to say, you know, Kim and his song, and this is why we chose it was Broken hearts can heal. Maybe we can work it out. Maybe we can find the time, even love a little better. As we pray for this love, it can last a lifetime. I know that deep in my heart and that's so true for all of us. Right? A beautiful song. Chem is one of our favorite artists, like of all times. We listen to him a lot, don't we, honey?

Absolutely. So again, can't overemphasize if any of this resonated. There's many ways that we can serve and support you and work with you. The first thing is or the only thing is required is for you to reach out to us, you know, and so I would suggest go to our website. We have a brand new put a lot of time and effort as well as. Thank you, Brooke to our daughter who works behind the scenes. She makes a lot of this happen. Is our brand new 5 days, 15 minutes a day to help rescue your relationship. It's going to give you, you some powerful places in that first building block of foundation.

And a special thank you to you our listeners. Thank you so much for helping us spread the word, share the show. And if you have somebody in your life or realm of influence that needs help and support, we're going to ask that you share this episode with us. Right. After all, we all deserve to have that toe tingling love. We're going to invite you to also come on back next week and join us as we continue to share additional ways that you can improve your love and relationships with yourself and and others. We're Tom and Stacey Bartley. We're the host of Love Shack Live together with our engineer, Eric Rider. Thank you so much for being here with us today and spending some time with us inside the Love Shack. We'll see you next time.

Bye bye now.

Thanks for joining us today in the Love Shack. We hope you came away with something that made your toes tingle. To learn more about everything you heard on on today's show, go to stacybartley.com podcast Love the Show. Help us spread the love by sharing the show with others. Okay, everybody, time to go. We gotta close the doors to the Love Shack for this week. You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here. Come back next week though and join us for another edition of Love Shack Live with Tom and Stacy Bartley.