#89: Why The Stories We Tell Ourselves Hurt Our Relationships

You know, the way I see it is when we don't step into these automatic assumptions and biases, it requires a heck of a lot more of us for sure. And that's why it's hard work and that's why it takes, as Stacy likes to call it, a lot of emotional push ups, repetitions in the emotional weightlifting gym. Because where does one go to practice expanding our ability? It really kind of doesn't exist. Stay tuned on that one. But nevertheless, so this requires more of us. No question. It's easy to just default, you know, but that's not. We're about, we're about all. What we're all about, Stacy and I'm about, is helping people create and experience a lifetime of love. But amongst that is not going to be fairy tales and rainbows. There's going to be a lot of these opportunities that Stacey and I just had one guess a few hours ago and we'll have one, probably a few hours when we're done with this show. You know, I mean, that's just, that's the human experience.

Hey, thanks for coming. Welcome to the Love Shack.

Welcome back. Inside the Love Shack, we are your host, Tom and Stacy Bartley. And today in the Love Shack, we're exploring how we weave stories to help us make sense of the world. And most specifically in our relationships.

We share these stories with the people that are closest to us. And what's interesting is we'll also fight to defend these stories within us as well. When another person doesn't understand or agree with these same stories, we feel hurt and we also feel rejected. So, babe, I think we gotta start this conversation by exploring more about the movie, where it comes from and why it is one. We develop these stories. I just said movie because that's what we call it in my work. We call it the internal movie. But it truly is the story, the narrative that we compile with inside of ourselves that simply makes sense of the experience that we are having as an individual, unique human being. So I'm stringing together in my story past events and experiences, plus my current experiences, plus my future hopes and dreams. And this all comes together in a story. And if you think about it, we all have a story. Like if somebody was to ask you how your day was or how the kids are or, you know, what's going to be your next career move, or let's talk about your investments, let's talk about your relationships, let's talk about how your kids are doing. We, we talk about these things, right? And anytime we start saying okay, this is what happened. And I think this is what it means. That's our story or internal movie at play. So we all do it. It's very human of us. And we can't even get away from this when we sleep because we dream, right? We're creating those stories and those narratives, working a few things out. And so this is what we mean when we talk about how it is. We weave a story to explain why I might be struggling in my relationship, why I might be feeling the way that I feel or hurting. And this is also where we start to talk about the reasons why I'm hurt is because you did this and that, or you didn't do this or that I start making sense of. And I, I might even start weaving a story that's not even rooted in truth because I'm simply jumping to assumptions and conclusions, which is what we want to talk about today. We want to talk about all the incredible. Well, no, we're not going to talk about all of them. There's many as human beings. Let me just be honest. I said the word all. That's not what I meant to say. We're going to talk about a handful of the most popular cognitive distortions in our relationships today. Because as I weave my narrative, as, as I put together my internal movie, there is going to be some bias included in it. And these are things that can create flaws in our personal stories. And you know the kicker, babe, the kicker is that they seem like they're so spot on. Like, like we defend these, we go to bat for these, we break down our relationships over these because for us, they are the holy grail of all truth. They are reality. They are the truth as we see and know it. And so we become, become very impassioned with our stories. Even though there might be flaws in the assumptions and in the way that we are making them up and weaving them. So today we wanted to talk about the handful of cognitive dis. Biases or distortions that can show up in our stories so that we can more easily. Right? See, or I might be a little off base. It's just my story, right? Doesn't mean it's the holy grail of all truth. It just means it's what's true for me. And I can talk about that and I can share that, but it's also important for me to understand that my person that I'm co creating life with, right, they also are going to have some cognitive distortions. And this is where a lot of our fights take place. And, and just to give you an example, this is where we will say things to ourselves. Like, why would they say that? Why would they go there? Why don't they know to do that? Why don't they remember? How many times have I got to say this? Those are all cues for. Oh, oh, here we go. Cognitive bias, right? Those flaws in our stories and in our thinking are starting to flash you.

Yeah. You know, it's. To put it in really, really layman's terms, it's. It's to be very fair and to be very honest. It's very difficult for any of us to see things truly in a. In a neutral manner. I mean, that's just not how life works. So everything that Stacy just described, maybe in a more technical vernacular, the bottom line is everything that we are experiencing is being thread through our. Our. Our internal movie. We say internal movie, it's just because people can get their arms around it. There's, you know, more of a psychological, you know, intellectual, you know, term for that. But so, yeah, you know, and then. So then we're having this experience, and then our partner, you know, husband, wife, spouse, significant other, whatever, is having his or her experience. And so just think of, like I always say, there's two tops spinning in their own world, and then we're supposed to just come together and have this happily ever after, you know, wonderful life. It's like, that's. You'll hear us a great story. Great story, but, man. And so, yes, these. These things that are kind of closest and nearest and dearest, oftentimes we. There's about eight of them that we in our body work, you know, finances and religion and children, and there's some hot ones there. There's a lot of story. So when people are coming together, you're navigating some places of huge differences, and we have a hard time accepting those differences because they're almost like we take. Like we're being attacked to the core of who we are.

Well, the interesting thing to note about your. Your internal movie, your story, is that you're the only one that's seeing that story. Like, you are literally in a movie theater inside the mind that you possess. And you are creating a narrative that is absolutely true for you and valid and spot on for you, but it may not be the same for anyone else, I. E. Your partner. They're having their own individual experience as well. And this is where you'll start to see things like, you know, why do you do that? I. How many times have I got to tell you? Because we're all having a very different internal experience. And the way we think it needs to go and the way we feel like it should go is according to our own personal narrative. And we have a tendency to want to make people be like us, to, to think like us, to, to be like us. And yet that. That's entirely possible. We also like to do the other thing where. I know what you're going to do. Oh, I totally know what you mean when you say or do that or you have that look on your face. Don't tell me otherwise. Right? These are all examples of these cognitive biases and flaws that can start showing up in our conversations and then we build on those as though they are the truth without realizing actually they're flawed. And I'm just going to be honest with you. This conversation today may challenge you, but if you will listen really with an open mind, I guarantee you there's going to be some places where it is really going to set you free. The reality is we all have biases. In fact, we are going to live those biases day in and day out because it's so much a part of how our brain works and how we operate as human beings. So if they're going to be a natural, normal part of the process when it comes to exploring and understanding our internal movies, then it's good for us to also understand and become familiar with all the possible flaws as well. Right? And that's important because if I want to share my movie, I have to also understand that it might be flawed, that it's not going to be spot on. There's going to be places where it's a little off base. I want to vet those out with my person. And then I also have to give my person the time and space to have their own internal movie and to do the same with me. And it's a funny thing when we start sharing movies, right? It's like, oh, if I take the time to understand your movie, yours is going to get contagious and get all over me and I'm going to lose my own place, I'm going to lose my own narrative. I assure you that is not the case. We, we are all safe. Your story is going to be your story until you and you alone decide to change it. Right? If we hold it in that way and it really is reality to us. So I get that this is like challenging. This is like the ultimate of push ups to understand that, oh, my movie might be off base. I'm sure yours is. I'm sure. I'm so Spot on. And you're the one that's got it all messed up. And round and round it goes in most of our communications and conversations as a couple. And this is where we get stuck. Okay, so the first thing is if you can take a breath and just allow people to understand that sharing our movie helps us feel heard, it helps us feel validated, it helps us feel like, okay, you value what it is, I have to say, even though you may not agree, and that's a good place for an emotional push up. Right? And then as the conversation progresses, we can start to uncover some of these cognitive biases or flaws and our stories. Right? And I just want you to open up and. And take a ride. And I hope that this is going to put a smile on your face where you kind of go, oh, my gosh, I do that. I do that. Oh my gosh, I'm. Because it's true for all of us. It's not right. Just true for some of us.

No one is exempt.

Exactly. So again, in spite of the feelings of certainty in our personal movies, it's important for us to remember that they can become skewed through these cognitive distortions. And the first one that I want to talk about with you is called asymmetry. Actor observer asymmetry. And it goes like this. When other people do something wrong, or what I perceive to be wrong, we assume automatically that their intentions were bad. Okay, so you forgot to take the trash out, or you forgot to swing by the store and pick up that chicken I asked you to grab. And I'm going to assume that your intentions were bad. I'm going to assume that you don't care that this relationship isn't valuable. You seem to be able to remember everything for everyone else, but it seems to me that when it comes to me, you forget again and again and again. So I automatically assume through this bias that your intentions are bad, they're ill intended. But when I do the same thing, I am going to. Of course, you know, I'm not doing it for that purpose. Of course, you know that it's right. Appropriate. It's okay. It's not ill intended. Right? And we. This is a very common one in our relationships. And in fact, it's so common that for Tom and I, it happened just this morning as we were coming home from CrossFit. Honey, why don't you go ahead and tell this story?

It didn't really happen. So, yeah, we were. We come home from CrossFit, our coon dog is very excited to go for a Walk. I had to do something quick on the computer, so I asked Stacy if she'd just go, give me a moment or two. And it's maybe probably more than a moment or two is several more moments.

It's probably like 15 minutes.

Well, yeah, maybe 10. But anyway, okay. And Stacy was very patient. And then I said, okay, I'm ready. And then I came out to our living room, and it was taking a little bit longer after I had finished what I needed to. To out the door, walking. And I said, come on, come on. And Stacy was very nice and said, honey, now, wait a minute. I. I just was waiting patiently for you as you had asked. And now can you just please give me a moment for me to gather my sunglasses? And. And it was a very.

My coffee cup.

You're right. I mean, I was. I wasn't a lot out.

Oh.

And then I said, well, you know. Well, yes, I was. I. I reminded her that I was doing something more important than what I was doing while I was waiting for her. I was working.

Therefore, he was entitled to work at the desk because he was working, and I should just be patient and wait for as long as it takes.

And then when the roles were reversed, she wasn't working. She was just not using her time wisely enough, in my opinion and vantage point.

He couldn't give me the 30 seconds.

I mean, we're literally talking 30 seconds.

Maybe to gather my glasses. And my company's like, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on. That is an asymmetry cognitive distortion. Right? That is okay. When I do it, you should understand, and I'm entitled to do it. And when you do it right, it's. It's not of good intent. You're misusing your time. You're misusing. Right. And now I get to tell you, hurry, hurry, hurry. Come on. I've been waiting too long. It's a great example of that. Let's move on to another wonderful favorite, a confirmation bias.

Oh, boy. We could spend the rest of the show on this one.

This is the tendency to only seek out views and attributes that reflect our own. A great way to explore confirmation bias is just ask yourself, are all of your friends like you? Do you believe in the same things? Do you have the same spiritual religious.

Practices or even similar. And rather. I mean, you know, is there.

Do you pride yourself on raising your children or running your households? The same. Do you have the same political views? Right. And this is where our confirmation bias can start wreaking havoc in our relationships and in our Families. Right. Especially around the politics, etc. Right now, it's a confirmation bias where we only seek out things that we believe deep down are true and we're unwilling to hear anything to the contrary.

Well, I. I have a really good one here. I mean. Or you say you hold yourself in a certain man and you would literally bet your life that that would. Something outside of those standards wouldn't happen. Well, I have a really good one here, and I'm gonna disclose it publicly, so.

Oh, drumroll.

If you followed us for any period of time, you also know I've been a real estate appraiser for many years. And, you know, a couple months ago, I was out on a Saturday and had had some conversation with a listing agent of this home and said, schedule the appointment on a Saturday and said, if my clients are not there, they're aware you're coming. Just go ahead and use the lockbox, which is a little lock box that. I am a member of the association. Just let yourself into the front door. So I pull up, you know, and I've appraised about 13,000 houses in 25 years. So I've been, you know, kind of through this thing a few times here and there. So drive up, you know, good Saturday morning. I like Saturdays because they're kind of quiet, not too many people out, everyone's lower key. You know, no one seems to be in a rush. And so, you know, I pulled up to my house. I think, gosh, there's a car there. The. The agent told me that they would be most likely gone, but I said, you know, let me just go ahead and, you know, ring the doorbell. And I did, and no one came. And so I went around to the side, got my key to the home out of the lock box and opened up the front door and started to walk in. And I see a man walking down the hallway, kind of his hair, you know, and realized he was just greeting me from not expecting me out of bed. Yeah. With bed head. I'm thinking, oh, my gosh, I'm so sorry. You know, I was told that you wouldn't be here if you were here. You're going to be knowing. He said, no, no problem. I thought you were coming later. So he said, oh, gosh, you know, nope. He said, no, that's fine. I said, I'll start on the outside and then go into the garage, and then I'll ask to come into the home. So I. I'm out there measuring and stuff. And then I always do the actual measurements in my car on My iPad. And all of a sudden I just had this. You know how sometimes you get these unbelievable feelings and intuitively. And I happen to look right next door because when I pulled up, I realized, oh, that's. And I remember when I ran my data that there was a home nearby that was also for sale. So I looked next door, saw that home, and then remembered I'd waved to the people that were in the driveway and then looked at my home and looked at the name on the for sale sign. And the name on the for sale sign was not the name of the person that I talked to. Houston, we have a problem. The bottom line, ladies and gentlemen, is I went into the wrong house. So my confirmation bias literally could have gotten me killed legitimately because I was walking into a home I wasn't authorized.

To be walking into.

And thankfully, I came clean really fast once I had realized my. My confirmation bias and huge error and said, sir, I need to come clean. I've got a lot of egg on my face. I shouldn't be here right now. I should be next store. I am so sorry. And thankfully, he was very understanding.

If this shows up in our relationships big time, and it's going to feel a lot like any time your partner is saying something that you don't even want to hear, it could be the same old conversation again and again and again, right? And you notice that you're like, oh, not this again. Oh, we're not going there again. That's a confirmation bias. We're going to, you know, talk about this again, and I know how it's going to go, and I don't even need to listen anymore. So I'm just going to go ahead and check out, right? And we think that by shutting the conversation down in this bias, that it's going to solve our problem and it will not. It will circle back up again and again and again and again until there's a level of understanding on both parties sides. You know, babe, there was a time when you and I first came together. We really struggled with the alarm clock, too. That was a simple, you know, confirmation bias where he would. He was just so certain he had to set the alarm clock or I wasn't going to be able to get up. And I was so mad that he would continue to set it because it made me feel like I was so incapable and weak. Like, I can't even set my own alarm clock clock. Like, oh, that's bad. What. How must you view me? Is what would play out on my story like that you've Got to set the alarm clock for me. You know, heaven forbid I got to do something a little more taxing, you know, and so it wasn't. And this went round and round and round until finally we could come to a place of understanding everybody's perspective around this and came up with a solution of. He gets to ask me if he would like me to set. Have him set the alarm clock for me, but ultimately I get. I get to choose. And he would say he wouldn't, and then he'd sneak in and set the darn thing and go off in the morning and I'd lose my mind. Right. Here we are in our own confirmation bias. I was so certain that he was communicating to me that I was incapable, and he was so certain that he needed to set it or all, you know, chaos and mayhem was going to break loose. Those are great examples of a confirmation bias. Where do you see them in your own life? Where do you see them playing out in your relationship right now in that story that we tell ourselves? I'm sure they're there. So let's step into another one that's quite famous and popular. This is called the composition division bias. And this is the tendency to judge a whole group based on the actions of one person. It's also the tendency to judge an individual, that same one person who is affiliated with a group. So you wouldn't have to look very far to see this bias playing out in society and in our lives right now. So this is why we might get really upset if by chance, we are in some kind of a political divide in our relationship. You can't affiliate with those people, regardless of what side of the aisle you're on, I don't know how to relate to you. If there's a religious group that you're affiliated with that I don't understand or.

Want to be, because they all act like X. You know, where. If you potentially would start, you know, getting in relationship with some of the members of those particular groups, you would find that they don't. Don't all act like X. That's just what we. That's our composition and division bias.

Absolutely. And so we tend to steer away from. Right. The group of people, and by chance, you all of a sudden have your person involved in that group. It becomes this idea and this distortion of. It's either you're with me or you're against me because you're a part of that group.

Well, you have a. How about share with us? I mean, you, Stacy, enjoys raw food and, you know, and Some of us in these maybe atypical dietary choices, we can then group all of those people that, you know, choose to enjoy raw food. Stacy also enjoys a hamburger sometimes.

Love a hamburger.

That's interesting. That's not what I would associate someone that is a raw foodist, you know.

Well, and as I stepped into the raw food community, you know, I realized and recognized pretty early on that there's. There's very much a purist type of a mindset there. You know, you don't want anything that's like, tainted or has, you know, additives or. Or, you know, flavor colorings. You know, anything that's of not natural, organic types of things are not going to bode well in this community. And then the other thing that was interesting and I participated as well in my own wanting to be a part of, is that we're competing by how raw we are. Like, I'm 80% raw. I'm only 40% ra raw. Bummer.

You mean as far as what, how.

Much raw food you're eating? And by the way, when we talk about raw food, for those of you who aren't familiar with this type of eating, we don't eat raw meat. It's. It's fruits and vegetables. And the raw part is it's not cooked right, so it's. It's veg. You're such a lucky man. It's fruits and vegetables. Most of it's dehydrated, but it never gets cooked above 150 degrees. Just to kind of give you a context there. Now, I was taught when I was learning raw food, and the reason I sought this out was just for some health benefits. I did it with a sister of mine. She had been diagnosed with colon cancer, and we were really looking for some healthy ways to kind of like turn our health and our digestive problems in our family genetically around. And so this is what led us there. And I personally loved raw food. Some people go, oh my gosh, that's crazy. But my body just operates better on it. And so I really embraced it. But as I was stepping into this raw food conversation and started to compete by how raw can I get? You lose sight of. This is. This is where it becomes a distortion. You lose sight about what works for my body and what doesn't work for my body. And I remember being also taught that if you go to some kind of a family function, then you just take your raw meal because everybody else is not going to be eating raw. And you just take your little raw meal and you pull it out and you, you enjoy that at the table while everybody else is enjoying the meal, the meal that's been prepared for everyone else. And I immediately thought that is not okay because we connect so much as human beings around the food that we're all sharing and eating together. I could see where that could become very offensive to somebody. Even though I'm trying to do a good thing for my body, it would limit my ability to connect with the people at the table because we weren't sharing the same food. And instead of right just going down that road, I went, you know what? The value of connection and having a conversation over whatever food is on the table is just as healthy for my well being as the food that I'm eating. And so I used to teach in my classes, hey, do raw because it helps you feel better and helps you, right. Connect better. Set it aside if it's going to be something that inhibits you when you need to so that you can connect with the people that you love and value the most. So, yes, I will have a burger. Absolutely, yes, I will. I will sometimes, you know, add some things that have, you know, various seasonings in them that aren't qualified to be part of that food or part of that tribe. And just think about maybe your own cognitive bias that's getting kicked off right now as you're thinking about what a rafoo might be. Right. Like who are those people, you know, those purists. And we can, we can go places with like Paleo and keto and you know, we have these predisposed ideas about what we think a group is. But yet when we get into knowing and understanding the individual, those things don't prove out. They just don't. The reality is that when there is a group of human beings that come together, the group becomes a very complex mix of very individual perspectives. But we'll never see and identify that unless we get into exploring it and talking about it. I'm trying to remember the names as I'm, my brain is scrambling to just share one more little ditty. It was, oh, it was a white supremacist man who was running an organization who ended up becoming best friends with an incredible black woman as they were competing about how the school system was supposed to play out on the East Coast. And that's, that's, that's a, a very vague telling of this story. I apologize. But, but that historically has happened and I'll have to come back around and tell you the specifics of that. But those things happen where we have these cognitive biases. But yet when we really get to know the people, the human beings as an individual, it changes our entire perspective over that. So be mindful of, you know, all men are, all women are this right? Or all Christians or all Jews or all blacks or all whites. Those are cognitive biases that are playing out again and again and again and again. Because none of us as a human being are all one way. Let a group, let alone a group of us are all one way. We have very unique and individualized. Right. And complex abilities and behaviors with inside of us as a human being. Right? So everybody who's controlling is not a narcissist. Okay. For example, a narcissistic tendency is a behavior, it's not a person. And there's a lot more going on in there, right? So we tend to put these labels on things and go, yeah, got it handled. Oh, I know who you are. Don't tell me anymore. You know, here's the hand and we will defend those, right? And so I don't use a lot of labels in my work. That is something that we talk about just enough to understand. But understand we all have the capacity to be a narcissist. We all have the capacity to be many, many things and based on different situations and groups that we may find ourselves in. I could show up like that, right? I can. I can do those kinds of things if I choose to and I'm not aware of them. So. All right, we ready to move on to the next one?

Yeah. Excuse me. I would just add that, you know, the way I see it is when we don't step into these automatic assumptions and biases, it requires a heck of a lot more of us for sure. And that's why it's hard work. And that's why it takes, as Stacy likes to call, a lot of emotional push ups, repetitions in the emotional weightlifting gym. Because where does one go to practice expanding our ability? It really kind of doesn't exist. Stay tuned on that one. But nevertheless, so this requires more of us. No question. It's easy to just default, you know, but that's not. We're about, we're about all. What we're all about, Stacy and I about is helping people create and experience a lifetime of love. But amongst that is not going to be fairy tales and rainbows. There's going to be a lot of these opportunities that Stacey and I just had one guess a few hours ago and we'll have one probably a few hours when we're done with the this show. You know, I mean that's just, that's the human experience.

So let's talk about the salience bias.

The salience bias, our tendency to focus.

On what causes an emotional reaction regardless of whether or not it is relevant or likely to happen or will happen again in the future. And the greatest example in our relationships is quite frankly some form of betrayal or infidelity that happens in our relationship. Because the idea of this bias is you've done it once, you'll do it again. And that is a cognitive bias. And we forecast into thinking, oh, it's going to happen again because you already did it, it's going to happen again, it's going to happen again. And that's the place or the bias that we live from, which makes it very, very difficult for us to move on from disappointment and messes, right, that we create in our relationships. They happen. It did happen. But the inability to stay rooted in this cognitive bias does not allow us to go forward. Instead, it kind of sets the benchmark of what's possible in our relationship and we won't allow ourselves to take another chance and go forward. And here's the thing I want to reassure you with in this cognitive bias, if it's going to be a problem, I rest assured that it will show up in the future. You don't have to worry about it, right. Happening again. We can let that go, clean it up as best we can. Because if it continues to be a problem in the relationship after a applying our best attempts to solve it and to understand it, it will show up again in the future. And then we'll address it right then and there and not one second sooner. That's the only way that we can truly allow ourselves to step out of this bias and give our relationship that new, fresh do over chance that it deserves.

Would you say this is one of the greatest challenges of our clients that you, what we work with in moving past some type of a betrayal or.

An affair, 100%, and we know how it plays out. The person who made the mess is trying to do everything they possibly can to demonstrate and show that I won't ever do this again. And the other person is constantly accusing them of doing it again and doing again. And if you haven't done it again, you're going to do it again. So I'm going to continue to push you away, make you pay, right, pull away myself until I get the assurance that you're not going to do it again. And I want you to see in this cognitive bias that that's not possible. That is absolutely not possible. It just keeps everyone involved in a low grade of pain, right? And then something's going to happen there. The whole thing is going to, you know, at some point in time, have what I call a catalytic event where one person gets frustrated and says, there's no pleasing you, now I'm going to have to leave. Or the other person is just wracked with, you know, mental health challenges and anxiety, etc. Because they can't seem to let this go. There's no winners. There's. The best thing to do is recognize and understand you are in a cognitive bias. And just because it happened once does not mean it's going to happen again. And in fact, you can not worry about that and just allow yourself to show up and do what it is you want to do to create a better relationship. And if it continues to be a problem, it will show up again and we'll address it then, but not a second sooner. Otherwise, you're almost taking that focus and you're ensuring that it will happen again. You're ensuring that that relationship will not last, will not make it. And this is why most couples struggle with getting over some form of affairs or infidelity. It's because of this cognitive bias, right? So then there's a negativity bias. And this is where we pay more attention to the things that are negative instead of the things that are perceived as positive. Right? It's like this idea of, gosh, if we're going to make up a story, why is it that it's always kind of a, you know, get your popcorn, get your Coke, this one's going to be a horror flick and really kick your fanny instead of, hey, let's create the best possible thing that could happen and let's pursue and let's go there. There's a whole piece of our work that we talk about when we're trying to solve the problems in our relationships. What we tend to do is go to the don't want. And we could. We could write volumes and lists, right, of what we don't want and what doesn't work. We're so tuned into most of us as human beings with this bias, we can even walk into a room and we can go, that's a problem. That's a problem. That's duh. And we can judge it. We can walk around a coffee shop and go, oh, that's a problem. That should be cleaner. That person doesn't know what they're doing. I mean, and we. We rehearse this so much that it's really well formed in our brains and in our cognitive thinking. The problem is that we don't ever think about what it is we want instead. And so we tend to bang around on the problem and we can, you know, bang around on it only so much without realizing we're not moving forward. And we won't move forward until we can take that don't want and say, this is what I do want instead. Now that's a powerful place to be because then I can advocate for it. But this negativity bias keeps us stuck and thinking. If we just rehash the problem one more time, if we just decide and get to the bottom of who's to blame for this and who did it wrong, somehow it's going to set us free. And it's so just, you know, as you take this journey with me, recognize, let's, let's say you got to the bottom of it and let's say you figured out who was to blame and what the mess was about. And, and now what, like, now what are you gonna do?

Well, it doesn't solve anything that takes me to, you know, in this process that Stacy is talking about, it's do want and don't want. And I, I, many times I can, I can think back. And when we get to this do want, literally you have this blank stare and myself included, because we have so much bias towards negativity. So what we often do. Well, then we start with the don't wants, and then you can just help the client flip it, right? So it's fascinating because once we get there. Oh yeah, then, then you can just flip it to the positive, opposite side of the spectrum, so to speak.

100. And then you can advocate it and you can brainstorm it, you can strategize, and we can actually move forward. As long as we're banging on the problem over and over and over again, it doesn't ever take us anywhere and we get lost in this negativity bias. This is also why on social media and news outlets and those kinds of things, negativity is media social so sticky we can get lost in it. And, you know, I like to say, okay, if this is what you see is not working, what do you want to do differently then? Be. Be the solution. Be for something instead of against something. It's a much easier place to go, especially when we're solving the challenges and problems that we face as lovers. We can only bang around on the problem to such a degree that it helps me get to a place of what knowing what it is I do want. And then let's quickly as possible step into that. And if you don't have a filing drawer of want, right, or remedies for the challenges that you're facing, those are things that we have to develop. And most of us do have an empty filing drawer. So, like, what do you want? Where do you want to go? What would you like to see change?

Where?

What would you like to see play out differently? Let's talk about that, because those are the conversations that are going to help us move forward in our relationships. Not rehashing, you know, why you spent the money or why you're late or why you didn't take the trash out or why you don't want to spend time with me, or you're never home, et cetera, et cetera.

And so would you say, I know in our work too, we're different because people say, well, wait, don't we need to address what's happened in the past? And correct me if I'm wrong, you say, yes, we will address that as it comes up, as we move forward.

Absolutely. We don't have to go digging for it. It will pop off if it's still a problem. So we'll address it then. And the past, Right. What didn't work in the past really helps me see clearly what it is want to adjust and do to go forward. So there's value there. And that's often what we step over. There's value in knowing, okay, that didn't work. Let's. But we don't take it the next step and say, well, what would work? What would we like to see happen? We just keep talking about the negative bias there. So we have one more that I want to slip in here with the few minutes that we have left for our heart of the matter. And this one always makes me smile, not because it's a positive thing, but because I have this experience with Tom again and again and again about dancing.

And so impact bias.

This is an impact bias. And this is our tendency as a human being to overestimate the future impact of whatever is occurring in the present moment. Like, oh my gosh, this is going to be a disaster. And oh my gosh, this is never going to work, and this is going to be horrible, and I'm not going to be able to have any fun. Right? It's. It's kind of our. Our we see something and then we kind of like a hundred times what we think the catastrophic event is going to be in the future. And ironically, out of all the things that could wreak havoc in our relationship. One of the things that plays out very commonly for, for Tom and I and this bias is my love of dancing and Tom's resistance to it, right? And his impact bias is like, oh, it's too far. Oh, it's too late. That's never going to work. I mean, we can't do do it this weekend. He's got a thousand reasons why. Going dancing on a Friday or a Saturday night is just completely out of the question until I get him in the car and we go down and have a great time, and I kid you not, with uncanny precision. We're driving home and I swear he'll do this every time he looks at me and goes, that was so much fun. Why don't we do this more often? And I want to just go, what in the world? Why does this have to be so difficult? It's because of his impact bias. Like, the future is going to play out like this and it's going to be horrible and it's not going to be any fun, and then I'm not going to be able to get up and get done what I want to in the morning, etc. Etc. And so there it is. And then when you go and have the experience, it's like nothing like you thought that impact was going to be in the future. And we can do this when we're planning money, right? If we're coming up short in our finances or things are changing when we didn't get a chance to buy that house, or maybe we're stepping in to buy that house right now, or, hey, we're trying to pay off credit card debt, et cetera. We can so escalate what we think our future impact is going to be. And I just want you to know and understand that. Number one, take a deep breath, right? Number two, you're probably overestimating what that impact is actually going to be on you, on your loved ones and on your families, right? We're going to overshoot that. We're going to make it so much worse than it really is, and it's going to drive our anxiety right now. So if you find yourself there, your best remedy is just to take a pause and breathe and realize, okay, I don't know how this is going to go. That's the truth. We don't know how this is going to go. And all I can do in this moment is the very best I know how. So let's just focus and do that and not worry about the future and Let the future take care of itself. You're trapped in a cognitive bias. So I hope that that gives you some things to think about in regards to the movies and the narratives that we make up in our day to day experiences. These are the most impactful biases that I show up in my own life that show up in my own life as well as the clients that I serve. And if by chance you need some help getting through some of these or seeing some of these things, really great news for you. This is exactly what we do. And I would just leave you with this. Anytime you think you're certain about anything, it would probably behoove you to just take another pass. Right. Just, just explore maybe the possibility of.

Maybe not being right, similar to maybe going into the wrong house.

Yeah.

Really? That I would have said everything I had. So that's a good. Just my, you know, and then so for me just to end this is, is like, gosh, so once I regather this, this was big. I mean, because I hold myself with, you know, great respect for going into the right house. Obviously that's important. But more importantly is where else might I be this off and be so certain that's what I would leave you with. Where else might you be off when you feel so certain? Just, just. It's a great self. Self reflection, self analysis.

Absolutely. All right, let that sink in. We're going to take a quick break and be back with a little bit of follow the fun. And honey, I'm so excited to share this one with you. We'll be right back. Hey, babe. Did you know that the average couple spends only two hours a day with each other? And the majority of that time is spent eating, watching TV and surfing social media rather than connecting with each other. And if children are involved, my gosh, it's even less time than that.

I know, babe. That's why you created our conversation cards, for connection. Because they're the perfect conversation starter. So the next time you're sitting on a couch, rather than turning on the TV or grabbing your phone, pull out a card and get ready for some good old fashioned laughter and love and connections.

Now you can get your cards at stake. Stacybartley.com want to hear something different from talk radio? Keep your dial on Alternative Talk 1150.

Welcome back. Inside of Love Shack, we're going to step into a little bit of fun. What? What? And I don't know what the fun is. I typically don't know. Just so you know, I know Stacy's cooking up. Cooking up. This is like she's like a little mad, mad fun scientist.

I know these, they're really kind of fun for me.

I get really what's fun this week.

So I want to talk about kissing today, and I'm calling this the Kissing Face Off.

The Kissing Face Off. Yeah.

I also want to just point out anytime we need to, we can put our problems on the shelf. And that's why we include these in every episode. Because sometimes we need to put our problems on the shelf and just take a moment to refuel our emotional gas tanks with a little bit of fun. And there's no better way to do it than this.

And I just might throw in that might challenge one of our biases. Like, oh, no, no, we can't be talking fun. And I. Stacy does this a lot to me. Like, we're not a. We're not a Sunday night. Go to an outdoor concert family. Sunday night is we stay home and think about our week. And we just went to an outdoor concert last Sunday. So again, this can maybe be a very strong challenge to one of our strongly entrenched biases to have some fun. Can't have any fun. I got problems. Well, guess what? Problems are going to be there. You can set them on the shelf.

And have a little fun. In fact, you must, or you're going to run out of gas. So. And there's nothing like you kissing. I mean, we think about it. That's what brought us together. Those, for most of us, are the first experiences that we had of, like, stepping into this, you know, sensuous pleasure of kissing when we were teenagers and.

Maybe college, you know, hopefully adults, too.

Yeah, absolutely. So kissing, it takes us to that place and we don't have to push it any further for we can kiss for the sake of kissing, which is what I want to encourage you to do. I also want to remind you that kissing can be done in many ways and in many places. And so I've turned this into a little bit of a get to where, have some fun and. And play it out like this. I'm going to give you a simple kiss, and then you're going to give me back that simple kiss, but you're going to add something to it, like a light peck on the cheek. And so then it becomes my turn again. And I go, a simple kiss, a light peck on your cheek, and then I add something to it. And then you have to remember that and then do it back to me. So. And you can start to see where this is going to become complex. This is going to absolutely Turn into not only an ability to kiss and kiss a lot as we play this out, but it's also going to challenge me to remember and to think about, okay, you did this and this and this. And now get creative and use your imagination. And I'm going to add this to it, and it makes for wonderful kissing and a lot of fun. And you can also even just turn this into a bit of a competition. If you want to say, okay, whoever loses this has to make dinner tonight or do the dishes, right? You can absolutely sit down on the couch, do three rounds because you want to win the best out of, you know, two out of three. So I would recommend you do three rounds of this and then just take it as far as you can. I want to leave you with some help in the imagination creativity department. I want you to remember butterfly kisses. I want you to remember Eskimo kisses. Does everybody know what those are? Do you know what those are, Tom Bartley?

Is that.

You can show me when we're done.

Okay. I don't know if I know what. What's the one with your eyelashes?

That's a butterfly kiss. An Eskimo kiss is when we rub our noses together. Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Vampire kiss. You know what that is?

No.

That's where I bite you on the neck or I kiss your neck. Oh, yes. And don't forget that drag your tongue across my lips. Right. Kind of thing. I'm looking at you, Mr. Bartley. We're gonna play this.

We're gonna go on the mute switch right now.

We're gonna go 10. We usually eat after we record here. And whoever loses this, right. Is gonna. Is gonna fix the meal. Okay, Deal. Do out of three.

I'm not doing it.

Yes, you are. Hey, and if by chance you're feeling like this is out of reach of in your relationship, right? Or you have some cognitive biases around this, that's a great sign that maybe we need to get some help, right? We want to be able to kiss and enjoy and explore these things with. Inside of ourselves, with our person. And the only thing that's ever going to stop you is you. So as we wrap up this episode, we also share with you a song that we've picked for the episode itself. And today's song is one of my favorite singers. Her name is Adele, and she has a beautiful new song called Go easy on Me. And I chose this song for our episode because of our cognitive biases we can fall into. And in fact, it's going to be inevitable that we do things that we feel out of control of, but they yet have the power to change the trajectory of our entire life. And she says in the song, there isn't any room for things to change now. We're both so deeply stuck in our ways, and that's what can happen in our cognitive biases with each other. And so she's asking, please just go easy on me. And if I could impress upon you, we all need just a break, a breather, to be given the assumption that I'm not poorly intended, but that I'm here and continue to show up in this relationship because I do care. And ironically, the more I do care as a human being, the more these biases play out, the more fear, insecurity, and doubt starts to show up inside of me and inside of my relationship. So go easy. Go easy on me and your partner. And gosh, if there's something that you would like us to talk about or some questions that you have as a result of this episode, please don't hesitate to reach out to us. Tom and I are very committed to having the conversations that are meaningful and helpful to you in your own life and in your own relationship. So reach out to us and know what those are. We would love to hear from you very much so. So, any final words?

No. I would say that this hopefully has. Has really challenged you in a good way. And again, none of us are exempt from these biases. It's how life is lived. So number one, just have that awareness, hopefully is very helpful for us. And number two is, like Stacy said in the song will listen. Powerful song, but, you know, just give your, give your partner, give your family, give your children some grace and some ability to be vulnerable and some space for that to happen. And then, you know, again, I, I think of a wonderful visual that we have in our work where we think everyone is at the movie with us, but we have a picture and maybe we could have that in our show Notes to where the only one in the movie is just you. And so we're the only one in our movie in our, our close, you know, spouse, husband, partner, children, they're having their own movie internal experience. And so the, the magic is to create the space to where we can each share those movies in a way that does. Doesn't trigger each other.

And if you're all triggered, sit down and do the kissing face off. I promise it's going to put a smile on your face and help you feel a little bit better.

But I mean, it's. This is the sweet spot. If I say anything that Stacy and I are good at, it's this. And it comes through lots and lots and lots and lots of practice.

Absolutely. Hey, a special thanks to you our listeners, you know, help us spread the word. It's been great to be here with you today and we're going to send you off with by the big hug and a kiss. I wish, I wish. Absolutely great to be here with you guys. Come on back next week and join us for another episode of Love Shack Live. We'll be here.

See you soon.

Bye bye for now.

Thanks for joining us today in the Love Shack. We hope you came away with something that major toes to single. To learn more about everything you heard on today's show, go to stacybartley.com podcast Love the Show. Help us spread the love by sharing the show with others. Okay, everybody, time to go. We gotta close the doors to the Love Shack for this week. You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here. Come back next week though and and join us for another edition of Love Shack Live with Tom and Stacy Bartley.