#95: How Do I Get My Partner To Stop Beating Me Down? & All Your FAQs Answered

Oft times we think that we can just put our relationships on the shelf until some moment in time where I'm in a better place to come back around and pick them up. And that's illusion. Relationships won't stick around and wait around for the perfect moment when we're all put together and we have it all sorted out. They're playing out in real time as we speak.

Hey, thanks for coming. Welcome to the Love Shack.

Hey, welcome to the Love Shack. It's little old place where we get to get together, explore fresh perspectives, eavesdrop on juicy conversations to discover the things that really matter. And we're going to have a little fun along the way. This is episode number 95. This is going to be questions that have been asked to us from people who connect with us on TikTok, Facebook, our podcast listeners, Instagram. Yeah, wherever it is you see us and listen to some of our tips and suggestions, advice. And these are questions that have come as a result of those. And so I honestly don't know what they are. Tom and I have no idea what's going to come at us. Here we have our incredible daughter, slash producer, slash everything girl is what we call her. She's part of everything that we do here inside the love shack as well as@staceybartley.com and so, Brooke, you're going to hear her voice and we're going to let her fire the questions at us and we're going to enter answer them live. So, Brooke. Okay, fire away. Let's do this.

Okay, so we recently had a video go semi viral on TikTok and it created quite the conversation. The video was around whether or not it's possible to convince your partner that you want them to work on your relationship with you. So the first question is kind of a subset conversation of that video. And he asked, what about when your partner asks for space to work on their mental health? She has a lot going on behind the scenes. And she told me this.

Well, that's an important piece. The answer to that question is the reminder is, I care about you. This relationship is important to me. I want us to work on our relationship and I want to just suggest you can do those two things simultaneously. She can have the space to work on her mental health because that's going to absolutely affect how she shows up in the relationship. But I also want to suggest that you could work on your relationship too. It's not an either or because the relationship is also playing out in real time as well. That's kind of like saying, hey, I'm gonna. I'm not gonna eat today. I'm gonna put that on hold while I focus on just doing my work. We know at some point in time, those two things are gonna have to play out simultaneously and in real time. I can't put it off forever. It's something that I need to dance with simultaneously because it's part of life. And oftentimes we think that we can just put our relationships on the shelf until some moment in time where I'm to come back around and pick them up, and that's illusion. Relationships won't stick around and wait around for the perfect moment when we're all put together and we have it all sorted out. They're playing out in real time as we speak.

Let me just ask. That's a great question, Brooke, from one of our viewers. And I know we hear this even outside and not at all to dismiss someone, a partner, someone close to us going through a mental health issue. But I know we hear oftentimes just in the normal way that a challenge in our relationship plays out. You correct me if I'm wrong, babe. One of the partners might say, look, I just need some space. Would the same answer apply to what you just shared? Meaning why is it, I guess, better question for me to ask. Why is it that we think we need space rather than to turn and face what we're dealing with?

Yes. Well, space. I want to create a distinction here. Space. Space to take, you know, a day or an hour or 20 minutes, for sure, is absolutely something that we want to encourage. And the reason why we want to take space is because we're honestly feeling emotionally overwhelmed. And it's the overwhelm. Right. That starts to get the better of us. And so we know that we need to go, time out, time out. I can't take in anymore. I'm going to lose, you know, lose my mind. And it feels that way. And all of us as human beings can relate to how that feeling, you know, resides inside of us emotionally. I know that I'm going to rip somebody's face off or I'm shutting down, shutting down, closing off, et cetera. So that's not what I'm saying. That's a good thing. And whenever we feel like we need to take some space and some time to just kind of digest down the emotional overwhelm that's happening inside of. Of us as human beings, that's a good thing. And I want to encourage you to take time to do that. It's just that it can't go on for, for days, weeks and months without addressing the relationship. It's not going to wait. And again, back to my analogy of should I work or should I eat for the next month or the next year? I need to be able to do both. I need to be able to absolutely embrace both because both are playing out in real time.

So no, that makes a lot of sense. But certainly, I mean, last episode we did was with our wonderful Daniel C. From Australia and his awesome book Space Maker. So space is important. But correct me if I'm wrong, we need to have ourselves, to have the ability to feel. Feel good. I mean, our well being is important for us to work on our relationship, right? But yes, that doesn't necessarily mean it's going to take weeks and months for that to happen. So we need to show up feeling rested and charged, recharged, right. So we can turn and turn.

I think there's actually another aspect to this question that we should address because a couple other people tagged themselves in this post and said, oh my gosh, please tag me when you respond to this question, because I want to know too. So it seems like it's happening to a lot of relationships. So as the person who is not struggling with their mental health, what would you. Is there a certain thing you would encourage them to say to their partner to let them know? Like, we could, we can have both. You can work on your relationship and work on your mental health at the same time. Like, how can they communicate that without seeming like they're being controlling or convincing or trying, you know?

Absolutely. Well, again, the key, the key challenge here for us is the emotional overwhelm. And you know, as human beings, we're very, very limited. When we get to the place of overwhelm, then we don't show up so good. Right? We're going to need some space. We're going to need to kind of digest some things down. And then, you know, it's difficult for us to know when to step back in or how to support somebody who's struggling. So if you've got somebody who's in overwhelm and they're struggling with some kind of a mental health issue, or they're struggling with some kind of an addiction issue, something that's really, really challenging to the person themselves. You know, what they really need is encouragement. They need to be reminded that you care about them, that the relationship matters to you, that they matter to you. Because it's so easy for us as human beings to go to the place of, now look at me. You know, the Person who's struggling. You know, I'm a mess. I'm falling apart. I'm dealing with my depression, my anxiety, my addiction. And what I probably need in that moment is just reassurance. Even though you might be frustrated with me and tired and worn out and keeping the lights on and a roof over our heads, metaphorically and figuratively speaking, I need encouragement, and I need to know that you still want this. Those would be the two things I would say that would really help somebody continue to work on their mental health, to show up in the relationship as best they can while they're struggling with the overwhelm, and of course, get some help and support. Because the person who's kind of holding up the fort needs to be reassured, too. And oft times, the overwhelmed person doesn't have it in the tank to give.

I was just going to say, if. Describe. If you're the person that Brooke described, the person that is trying to support the partner that's going through an additional challenge. My sense and experience, I've experienced that myself. You start to think, are we ever going to get there? So how do we handle that? Like, do you. Do you say all that that you share with us with a. With some kind of a timeline, like, I hope we're able to do this, like, in two weeks?

Well, it's tough to put a time frame on these things because we can't necessarily predict when they're going to heal. We do know that we do heal emotionally and that we can make strides to improve our lives if we're focusing on it and we're doing the things that we know we need to do to heal them. It's unlike, you know, unlike physical. We could say, well, you know, it's going to take two weeks, or it's going to take six weeks, or this is going to take you three months. Mental health is a lot more fluid, and it's so unique and impactful to us as human beings. Right. That it might take me a day or two, and it might take somebody else a week or two, and it might take somebody else a month or two or a year or two, depending on how I'm supporting it and getting support and getting help and learning and growing and depending on how many years I've spent in the overwhelm. Right. So I guess. I guess the benchmark has to be an individual call, which, you know, I can't give you any kind of a definitive timeline on that. All I can say is be very mindful of not everybody running out of emotional gas.

Okay, I've got one more. Sorry, Brooke. I'm not overtaking your producer position. Don't worry. But how about this then? Would there be, in certain specific cases, would we encourage a potential client to come on and start working with us, you know, on their, you know, by them, his or herself, and then mentoring, you know, that client to keep inviting and supporting the person that has any additional struggle. And we've done that in the past, right?

Absolutely. In fact, if they don't, everybody's probably going to, you know, reach a place of being out of emotional gas. So that person who's holding up the fort absolutely needs to get some help and support and some mentorship to stay in the game. Because it's exactly exhausting to continuously, you know, in input and reassure and encourage and steer the ship without anything coming back into the. The emotional gas tank. Right. We're going to run out of gas, and that's our biggest concern there. While the person is struggling with the mental, emotional aspects of that impact. And so, you know, everybody needs to be reassured and kind of propped up and there is no time limit. We continue to put in as best we can, but it's just be mindful. I can't emphasize that enough. You've got to take really good care of yourself, the person who's propping it up, because it's going to be on your shoulders for a given period of time, just like somebody who's physically injured. Right. You're gonna have to prepare the meals and clean the house and run the errands and go to the grocery store. And there's a tremendous amount of investment or contribution that has to go into that emotional healing, just like that physical healing.

That's just similar to compassion fatigues, right? Yeah.

And so if you don't take precautions to shore yourself up to get help and mentorship to refuel your own gas tank, then everybody's going to flatline. I hope that's helpful. I hope that I'm trying to think in real time, what are some other things that I could do to inspire the journey. I been on both sides of this equation where I've needed to give it for a long period of time. And I've also been on the receiver side and both are challenging sometimes, you know, your own deservability to receive the help, support and encouragement that you need. When, you know you're a hot mess, you know you're depressed, you know you're anxiety ridden, it's difficult also to liao the help and support in truly to take a breath and let somebody pour into you. That's a good thing, too. And I just want to hear. I want people to hear my voice and saying, it's okay to let the love in right when I'm struggling. Don't beat your own fanny even more by not allowing somebody who loves you to truly contribute into you, to allow the love in. And those who are pouring the love in, don't forget to refuel your own emotional gas tank. I guess that would be the net. Net of what it is we're trying to communicate to you. And space is absolutely going to be required, but we can't just put it on the shelf until we feel like we're in a place where we're ready to take that on. In fact, if I may just share one more item here that I think eloquently talks about what it is we're trying to do and communicate to you to do here. And it's something I've shared on the podcast before, so if you've heard it once, I hope that it's worth hearing a second time. But my mom used to have a timer, and when things would get really, really difficult emotionally, she would hear me out, you know, the narrative, the story. And then she'd crank this timer and this timer, I mean, whatever. Sometimes it was 23 minutes, sometimes it was 32 minutes. She'd crank that timer in preparation of walking out of the room and say, okay, you throw a fit and you do whatever you gotta do and stomp around and cry and wail to your heart's content. And then when that timer comes off, you're going to get back to living. You're going to get back to life because it's playing out in real time. And I would think to myself, obviously, you don't understand how egregious this is, right? I am, like, suffering here. I am in a tremendous amount of pain. I've obviously not been very successful in communicating that to you because I deserve to be in bed or to be upset about this for weeks or months, and it never would get me anywhere. And sure enough, that timer would go off and she was showing back up at my door saying, come on, let's go. Got dinner to cook and. And things to do and. And we sit on the porch and share and talk or go for a walk or peel potatoes or, you know, the myriad of things that still needed to be done during the living aspect of life. It wasn't that we. We stopped one to do the other for a long period of time. And that taught Me that you want to play both sides of that. You have to play both sides of that. There's time to cry and grieve, but then not too long after that, there's time to get back into life. And it wasn't like a one and done. Sometimes things would crop back up and we just do the process again. Right. It wasn't like you only had those 32 minutes to throw a fit. It was the practice of living life in real time, essentially, to grieve and to get back to life and to grieve and to get back to life. And I think that's really important for us to understand. We've got to get better at being able to find balance with those two things that are playing out in real time, especially when we're going through a difficult time. So.

Okay, I think that was. That's a good answer. And also I just wanted to add that when you're going through a mental health challenge, which I've gone through my fair share of, it does seem like maybe the best option is to ask for space so that you can give your partner a break from your anxiety or your.

What?

You know, anything that you think is too much. But a lot of times your partner just wants to help you. And so it's. It's counterintuitive to ask for space because then you're going to be all alone, and that's the last thing you need when you're feeling that way. You know, you need. You need people there to support you and help you through it.

Well, let's just. I think many times, all of us, me included, we ask for space, really, because we're not sure how to navigate and we don't want to burden like you, Shared Brooke. We don't want to, you know, feel like we're being too much, you know, too much trouble for our. The people that are close to us. So it's. It's kind of an escape clause, right? Said. Said gracefully.

Yeah. Well, and Brooke, that's just. I'm so glad you brought this up. You know, if you really wanted to let the love in, get specific about what it is you need, because don't forget that there's a person over there that loves you and has no idea what to do for you or how to support you. And if I've never experienced depression or anxiety or some of these, that can really flatline us, I have no clue what to do. And just think about that helpless feeling when you're standing by and somebody you love is struggling and you feel Helpless. So the greatest gift you could give to allow the love in is to tell them exactly what it is you would love to.

Yeah. I was just sharing this on a call, you know, like, you can. We can get so good at supporting each other. Many times, Stacy, you have said, you know, I'll share, babe, I'm going. I'm having a tough time. And she says, what do you need to hear from me right now? Well, there's a class example, like, okay, I need you to, you know, and people say, can it really be that specific? Absolutely. The more specific, the better. So, like, you, Brooke, you know. You know, here's what. You know, here's what I need, you know, from your fiance. I mean, that's the most powerful thing we can do as a couple. And it seems I'm always, you know, wonderfully surprised when our clients respond. Like, really? I can do that. Well, yeah.

Well. And I. I also think when. When we don't do that, that's where the fighting happens, because then our partner is just scrambling, and then they're doing the wrong thing over and over again, and then we're getting mad at them because they're not giving us what we need, but we don't even know what we need. And that's where Jack will say something like, calm down, Jack is my fiance. Which, to an anxious person, oh, man, I wish I would have thought of that. You know, check.

I've already checked that box. It doesn't seem to be working at the moment.

Right.

Well, and then just think about how life giving, that gives everybody. Right. An opportunity. If I know how. What you need, and I can support you in that, then that makes me feel like I'm not helpless. And I can knock it out of the park because you've told me exactly what it is I can do to make a difference in your life. And the person that's letting the love in gets what they need. And so it really turns into a great home run for everybody. Right? And everybody gets to refuel and can.

Happen in literally seconds. That's the most beautiful thing. The immediacy of the help and the benefit on both sides is really quick.

And truthfully, the last thing everybody needs is more space. That's a dangerous place because we. Especially when we're dealing with depression. I mean, the last thing we want to do is isolate somebody who's depressed. Right. That isolation can literally suck the life right out of you. And so you need somebody to be there with you. So don't buy into the illusion, you know, of the Monster that says, hey, you know, come and be by yourself. Come and be alone with your own thoughts.

And also the mental, the mental health issue could be, I guess, sort of the catalyst for relationship issues. Not that it's the fault of the person dealing with mental health problems, but just, just because of there's a lack of communication, trying to help each other, you know what I'm saying? So working on the mental health issue together could also improve the relationship.

Well, it's the classic where does one begin and the other one, you know, where does one end and the other one starts? There's a tremendous amount of overlap there, for sure.

And I get why the person who is struggling would say, I need space. But yes, just like what you said, mom too, that's a dangerous path because then you could say, okay, I'm doing the right thing. I asked for space. I'm giving my partner a break from me because I'm too much, or whatever, whatever your thought process is. And then you both become comfortable in that and it's just a dangerous road to go down, I think absolutely.

Well. And nobody is getting their needs met. Now you're isolated, trying to meet your own emotional needs, when really what everybody needs is that reassurance, right? That's why I always say, tom, what do you need to hear from me? Because it's usually words of reassurance we're longing for and to be heard. Like, you really get where I'm coming from, or at least you've taken the time to allow me the time and space to share it with you. And that's very life giving to everybody, right? The one person has the opportunity to understand and the other person has the opportunity to share it. And then if we can get more granular with those words of tell me exactly what it is you need to hear, because I'm here to give that to you. It would be as specific as, you know, making a meal for somebody because you know what, what it is they love. You know, they, you know that their favorite ice cream is yada, yada, yada, and you love the sprinkles on top. Like we can knock it out of the park if we will simply just tell our partners exactly what it is we're longing for. And believe it or not, as simple as that sounds, usually the, the challenge with that is the person who's needing the help and support doesn't know what they need themselves because we don't spend a lot of time thinking about that. And so you could say, tell me, come on, what do you need to hear from me. What do you need specifically?

And with some training and guidance. And this is a big part. And like you said, babe, many times we have. People will say, I don't know what I need. Well, then, what don't you need? And we engineer it from the reverse of that. But these are very, very powerful, and the immediacy will be there when you already have these in place in your repertoire. And so now I know when Stacy, I can tell she's struggling. I already know she's already shared with me what she needs, whether that's a physical gesture, you know, or something verbally said, you know, you can have these already in your toolbox. And then you want to talk about immediate. It's immediate.

Well, as we like to say, it's like having some remedies when you're emotionally struggling that, you know, work and that you can turn to just like we turn to remedies physically. Right. If I cut my finger, I know what to do. I've been taught. I know an effective remedy for that. If I have a headache, I have an effective remedy for that, too. If I have a stomachache, I have an effective remedy for that, too. And unfortunately, with our emotional pain and our emotional struggles, we don't have remedies. And so we tend to panic, and then we tend to pull away or, you know, push ourselves out, and then we struggle with what is the remedy for this emotion that I have for this pain? And we. Our filing cabinets are empty.

And the more that you, you know, have this, this built, this. These additional tools in your toolbox built, and you use them, and you're very comfortable, and there's a lot of leverage between you and your husband, you and your wife, you and your significant other, then you can be good even on the fly. On Saturday, I decided to have my fingers on my car door and not take my fingers off the car door when I shut the car door. Brooke, you haven't even heard about this. And it was really painful. It was, like, hurt. Unbelievably. There was blood coming out of my two fingertips, and I was a hot mess. It was hot here in Northern California and came in the house literally about ready to faint. So Stacy and I kinda doesn't do well with blood. Yeah. And, yeah, I don't. And I wasn't sure exactly, like, what the heck just happened to me. Again, this is all happening in nanoseconds. And so Stacy went into just her own ability to zig and zag with our years of history together, said, why don't you lay down and, you know, let me give you a towel. And then said, I think I need to make you a nice drink with some tequila in it. And it worked magically. I. I was, you know, I had to move our coon dog Jiggy over so he'd give me some room because I was close to passing out. And a nice cold tequila gimlet with some love worked wonders. And in about 30 minutes I got back to, you know, but that was, that was one on the fly. And for real. I mean, because we have this history together, I didn't really know what to do. But as soon as I walked in, it was very different than how I typically walk in. And Stacy just went in action.

Yeah. One. And we don't realize that it just as we described, you know, taking care of the physical elements, we absolutely can build a repertoire with some, with some thought and some consideration and ability to share it so that just like that we can go into our remedies when we're emotionally struggling too. And then everybody feels reassured and confident about the their ability to act and respond to emotional struggles as well as those physical ones. It's important. It's really important. And it's really kind of a brand new thought process, an idea that we absolutely can and must develop emotional remedies for the pain that we feel. Otherwise, we're in constant panic mode and have no idea what to do, let alone, you know, help our partners with their emotional struggles. And so we're all just kind of banging around with no idea what to.

Do next and how and what part of, of our frameworks and teachings do we really get honed in on creating these remedies?

Yeah, well, it's a huge part of emotional weightlifting, which is a foundational pillar. I'm sorry, it's a pillar within our work. There's six pillars that we absolutely encourage our clients to go through and embrace as part of our curriculum. And emotional weightlifting would be pillar number two. And it's where we begin the understanding of ourselves emotionally and what does ease those kinds of emotional pains for us. And then we do an exploration of teaching those to our partner. And then we have to gain the ability to emotionally regulate ourselves as well so that we can absolutely step in and get the help and support that we need instead of just rip somebody's face off or collapse and go missing. Those are our two survival modes emotionally. When we don't know what else to do as human beings, they buy us time. You know, survival mode. That's what it's Good for it buys us time to turn around and figure it out, but it does not solve the problems and the challenges that we face in our relationships and with inside of ourselves. It simply just buys us time and we get to do another round and we continue to act the same round out again and again and again as things begin to build and escalate over time. So it's an important must do. We've got to create remedies by understanding ourselves and specifically what it is that eases those. And that's going to be a practice. You know, there's going to be things you can try, but each and every one of us are going to need different things. But as we start building that repertoire, just begin by taking your, your best guess.

Where does one go to do some emotional weightlifting?

Well, soon in the emotional weightlifting gym.

Which is going to be of Better Love Club, which is a podcast episode very soon to be had.

We'll tell you more about that as we're ready to really launch.

Coming soon.

But this is something that I'm very passionate about and I see a huge need for. We need a place where we can come and we can emotionally work out so that we can discover some of those remedies with inside of us and we can also develop our capacity and strength emotionally as a human being. It's, it is not going to be. It's very important. It's critical to our emotional and mental success as well as the success in our relationships. So I think we're ready for a new question. I think we've kind of added that one out. Right. Any other thoughts, team?

Yeah. Nope, I think that's it. Okay, so the next one was this woman posted a version of twice on part one and part two of this video series which the first one, you kind of talk about what not to do when you're wanting your partner to work on your relationship with you. And you talked about beating the other person down. You brought that up in that, in that clip that I posted. And so her question is, how do I get the other person to stop beating me down?

Well, great question. And my, my mind is, is turning here. The first thing that I'm thinking is you can't get anybody to do anything really. You're going to have to advocate for yourself. You're going to have to say, I'm not, I'm not listening to this anymore. I'm, I. This is not helping us be improve our relationship or the ability for me to show up. We're going in the wrong direction. And you Must stop right now. What I could use from you is some encouragement. What I could use from you as a reminder that you care about this relationship. What I could use from you is a hug. What I could use from you is some kind of hopeful idea or vision that we could co create together that would be much more helpful to me than what you're doing.

So put that, you know, I know we like to use, we help people with a broken record statement. So put both pieces of that into a broken record statement that our listeners could use.

Let's talk about what a broken record statement is first.

I was just going to say that.

I figured you guys would emphasize that so. And that these are really helpful in these kind of situations because we can get our arms around, we don't have to remember everything. This should be really helpful. You can put in your arsenal right.

Now because we can't control anybody. All we can do truly is advocate for ourselves, which I call planting our flag. It's basically just telling the truth about where I'm at and disclosing what it is. I need a broken record statement absolutely helps us do that. Plant our flag. And it sounds like just a statement of fact, a statement of truth. And regardless of where somebody might push on me, you know, I'm going to continue to just come back to that broken record statement again and again and again. And so maybe it would be helpful for us to kind of role play this for our listeners today to give them an idea of what that looks like and what that sounds like and how to discover your own broken record statement. And so maybe you, you come at me, right? You're gonna, you're gonna come at me and, and really do a good job of criticizing and belittling me and blaming me for all the mess ups and mistakes and all the frustration and pain that you're in. And then I will demonstrate a broken record statement.

How about that, Stacy? For God's sakes, man, we have been going around and around and around over these same stupid places and struggles. When the heck are you going to be ready to step in and start working on our relationship? I'm getting really tired of waiting.

I understand that you're tired of waiting. And what I need from you is not to criticize me, not to belittle me, not to minimize me, but to reassure me that this relationship is something that you want. Can you do that?

Yes.

That was too easy. You need to rookie. You might need to step in here. You might need to step in here because you know that's. That's they're gonna go, yeah, right. Like you guys are in Disneyland right now. That's not how it's going down at my house.

I think what they would really say is something like, you know, well, I can't stop criticizing you because I've been.

Waiting so dang long. Yeah, no, I'm just. Yeah, yeah.

No.

So, yeah. I mean. No, I. Okay, yes, it is important to me, or I wouldn't be going through all this trouble and trials and tribulations of waiting. How was that?

And also. And also something like, well, if I stop criticizing you, are you going to keep doing it? You know, like, if I don't criticize you, then how are you going to notice not do it again?

Okay, so now back to your broken record.

So my broken record statement is this. Criticize me. Criticizing me is not going to work. Criticizing me only makes me feel worse. What I need from you is some reassurance you. You love me and that you do. Right. Value me in this relationship. And I'm not going to go anywhere. So come at me again, and I'm going to say it again and again and again.

Yeah. The broken record part of this framework is exactly that. So what we tend to do. You correct me, I'm wrong, babe. Is when people keep coming continuously at us with the same more or less, you know, beat down. Then we try to start addressing it and addressing. And we get, you know, intertanglement with them, and it's never going to go anywhere. But the broken record part, you just go back to that same cadence and rhythm. And you know what? It's magical. Over a certain period of time, and it's most often sooner than later, you will. That conversation will suspend itself.

Yeah. So I feel like we need to kind of maybe push the read or the redo button and make this as clear and concise as we.

Because this is important. It can be really helpful.

Yeah. And you don't have it in you anymore to be manipulative and confrontive. So you're not a very good.

I'm not a good test subject.

You're not a good test subject.

Brooke's going to have to help. All right, thanks. Sorry. I'm just so dang in love with this woman, I can't help myself.

We've had too many years of, like, practicing better ways of doing it. That's all right.

No, we. Believe me, ladies and gentlemen, we drink our coffee and it's. It's not all unicorns and rainbows. We do have a wonderful relationship. But, yeah, we practice this stuff, thousands and thousands of hours. So we're very ninja cleaning it up really, really quick, quick so we can get to the really good stuff. So, yes, sorry. I will step out now, ladies and gentlemen, and defer to our wonderful daughter, Brooke. Because she's a little meaner than I am?

No, it's because I've had a relationship like this before, so I know what it feels like.

Okay.

So I would say something like, okay, are you ever going to fix these things? You just keep messing them up over and over and over again. And I'm so tired of waiting for you to change.

And I can appreciate that. And what I need you to understand is that if you're going to criticize me, it's not going to work. So what I need from you instead is some reassurance. Can you give that to me?

But if I stop criticizing you and telling you where you're messing up, how are you going to know when to stop?

So, again, criticizing me is not going to work. It's just going to spiral me and make me feel worse about myself. So what I need is some reassurance that you want to work on this relationship. Will you do that?

Yeah, I want to work on it. But I also want you to tell me that you're going to stop doing these things.

Well, I can't right now. But again, criticizing me is not going to work. It's not going to help us. It's not going to help me. And what I really need is for you to reassure me that this is. This is something you want to work on. Okay.

Yeah, I can do that.

Thank you. And I want to work on our relationship.

And I want to work on our relationship.

Yeah, me too. And so, as we demonstrated, it's just. It's a statement of truth that you just keep going back to. And what's going to happen when you use this in real time is the person that's trying to knock you over is going to come at you. What I like to say, metaphorically, planes, trains, and automobiles, like they're. They're creating these ideas about how to knock you off your. Your kilter here. They're not going to want to hear that. And so it's going to take probably three or four rounds for you to realize, okay, I'm not going anywhere.

And I would just.

I'm not going to argue with you. I'm not going to fight with you. You can say all kinds of things, but I'm planting my flag and this is where I'm going.

And I would Add that it's as important for when, you know, you demonstrated, babe, that you're doing it in a way, you're planting your flag, but you're also not being, you know, argumentative and, you know, being, you know, you're delivering it in a strong, respectful manner. Is that fair enough to say so? And that's a very careful line to walk and takes practice because it's. We're going to be triggered when we're delivering this. It's going to trigger the heck out of us. So that's where you need to do the emotional reps in the Better Love Club. Coming soon, ladies and gentlemen. Coming soon. Seriously, because it's not going to be as your ability to deliver it like Stacy did is not going to be right out of the gate. I'm just going to be honest. I'm not even that smooth out of the gate. You know, it takes practice, but with practice, that's why so many people ask, Stacy, Stacy, how do I. How did you say that again? Brooke? How many times do we hear that in customer support? I wish I had Stacy in my ear. Well, you can have Stacy in our. In your ear, or they'll.

They'll send a text or a message and say, hey, can you. Can you tell me how you said that again? So I can. And they'll write it down with a pen and paper.

Right? So it's. This is how, you know, these aren't fancy words as we. You just heard, but it's the sequence of them and the delivery, how it's delivered matters unbelievably, and that's done through lots of practice.

Let me give you a couple that are coming up that you could maybe try out in your own situation. There's a Please don't criticize me. This isn't helping. That's a great broken record statement.

And we apply to a lot of different situations.

Please don't criticize me. This is not helping. Right. Well, you know, if you just pull it together, you know, if you would just, you know, do this and this and this and this, and I'm gonna go, please don't criticize me. That's not helping. That's my broken record statement, by the way. I feel like I need to explain why we call it a broken record statement. I'm just. It's just dawning on me that maybe some of the young people out there don't recognize. Remember, Right. Like, why in the heck are you calling a broken record statement? That's so good.

What the heck is a record? No because our audience is getting younger, and we love to have our younger clients.

You guys just sound like grandma and.

Grandma trying to make it dawning on me. As we were talking about a broken record statement, I'm like, oh, man, people are going to wonder, what the heck are you calling it again? Back in the day, when way back.

In 42.

You would get a record, and every now and then, something that's.

Vinyl that you would put on, like, this circular thing that had a little needle.

They know what a record is.

I'm just making sure.

All right.

Also, I would like you to know that most of our audience knows is familiar with a CD skipping.

Okay.

So it's.

There we go. All right. You know, good job.

Well, except for on a record, you know, the CD would skip, but on a record, it would just play the same track over and over and over again.

Get, like a little deeper groove, Right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so you'd have to, like, you.

Know, you push it a little bit.

Yeah.

Or hit the side of the record player.

You would. Or you'd put, like, pennies on top of the needle so that it was a little more weighted. And it would. It would follow the tracks a little better anyway.

Hence, repeatable statement. Repeatable song, you know, broken record statement. What's another one?

I'm not in a place right now where I'm willing to argue with you about this. Right. Let's give this a break and come back to it another time.

Or how about would. What if you said argue? Does that mean when you reconvene, that's that you're scheduling another argument? Could you say, I'm not in a position to discuss this. Not the really sure, but I'm not.

In a position to. To talk about this right now. Let's come back to this at another time.

And then. And then. But pick a day and time. Don't just leave it open.

Yeah, well, you're talking about another skill, but. Yes. Sorry, yes, you are. That is absolutely how we want to teach you to create space. It's not about putting it in the closet or throwing it under the rug. If you truly want space, then disclose a time when you're going to come back around and try it again. But honestly, we need even skills before we can do that, because there's no brake pedal in the emotional regulation of our relationships. So we've got to be able to create the power of a pause, which becomes our brake pedal. And that's a skill that we also teach in our work, for sure. So the broken Record statement, though, is just to. These are statements of truth that we just cling to. And when somebody's coming at us to criticize, manipulate. Yeah, I can just plant that flag and I'm not going anywhere because the minute I start to explain why, the minute I start to, you know, plead my case, etc, now we're gonna fight.

So again, you. You want to use that broken record statement, but don't add anything else onto.

It, then just keep. Just keep saying it. Keep saying it. You know, stay. Stay true to that. And the other person is just going to finally get the. The message that, okay, I guess we're done. Yep. Yeah, we are. We gotta find a new way to approach this. And I'm not gonna argue with you about it. I'm not gonna fight with you about it. This is the deal right here. I'm giving it to you straight. And it's a statement of truth that I just. I go back to again and again and again. It's empowering for the person saying it. Right. And it's also very helpful to not find yourself in an escalated position of fighting yet again. Same old round, same old conversation. Right. That's very emotionally depleting. And so we want to avoid those, if at all possible. Hope that's helpful.

Yes, it is. All right, the next one we created also a kind of a viral conversation around rebuilding trust. Is it possible to rebuild trust after it's been broken? And we answered this question in the comments, but I thought it would be powerful for people to hear it as well. How many betrayals before it's time to call it a wrap?

So each of us are going to have a different amount of emotional investment that we have available to us. And it's important that when I feel like I'm running out of gas and this continues to be a problem and we're not making any progress with it, it's on each of us to determine what that timeframe is for ourselves. And it's going to be different for every one of us because we all have different levels of emotional gas in our gas tank. And we're also going to have different levels of a willingness to continue to try. You know, as we say to couples who are trying to repair their relationship, they'll always say, how many rounds should I give it? And I would say, as many as you want to take. Right. There is no shame in saying, gosh, we've done this four times or 10 times. If I truly want to go another round, every round is going to teach us something about ourselves. At the very minimum. And it has the potential to change your relationship. But I may not have 10 rounds in me. For me, maybe it's two, maybe it's four. I can go several rounds and decide that I've given it all, I'm willing to invest. Right. And I can't do anymore. And it usually comes across in the statement of I just can't do this anymore. Like, I know if I continue to do this and it continues to. To play out like it is, I'm not going to be okay personally. And that's how we start to distinguish breakthrough in our relationships versus break down. And the only meter any of us have is the one emotionally inside of ourselves. So it's important for us to look there for the gauge in regards to how many rounds do you have in you, Right. And if it's not, if we're not making progress in it, then, then it's okay for me to say, I can't do this anymore. I'm not going to be okay. And listen to that. Trust yourself there.

We had another question on that same TikTok. Can reconciliation and remarriage happen after a divorce?

Oh, absolutely. In fact, oft times it does. We divorce and we go about kind of identifying as individuals and we rebuild ourselves and we develop expanded capacity emotionally and strength and understanding about our ourselves. And it happens more often than you would think. We find ourselves rekindling again, dating, going through the process again. But I just want to impress upon you, even though it's still the same two people, those two people are in very different places emotionally. And so then we marry again and off we go. So there's a principle that we talk a lot about in our work called contrast. The principle of contrast. And that's exactly what's playing out there. And it really is true. We can't get where it is. We need to go together originally. And so we break apart and we do some learning and some growth and some healing and some expansion. And then we come back around, you know, years later and we do it all again from a different place. There's some maturity and some wisdom and some development emotionally that's happened for both people. So it's, it's common that we can't get where it is. We need to. We can't get to where it is. We need to go individually because of what's playing out currently. And so that contrast helps us, takes us to the next place.

Yep, I knew the answer to that one, but I wanted you to say it because I think some people Would say, oh, no, never. You know, absolutely not. That could never happen. But we've seen it.

Oh, yeah. And like I said, it's more common than you would think. It really is. Two people that really love and care about each other because of where they are emotionally can't seem to make it work. And so they break apart, and then their life progresses and they develop capabilities, and then they come back around five years, 10 years, 20 years later, and they do it all again from a different place.

I would say the wonderful opposite, or antidote. Or antidote to someone. Not to say that sometimes people not staying together is probably the best. You know, the raw ingredients aren't there, but sometimes people choose to split apart. And then how often do we hear that, you know, they get together with some new person, and lo and behold, a lot of the same dynamics are playing out with that new physical person. Right. So what you just described, Brooke, with a question you asked would be the. Well, no, these are the same two people that were there before. Lo and behold, now they've moved forward, learned many new skills, put them in the practice, new capabilities, and look what's been created with the same person, but a dramatically different experience.

Another way that this plays out that might be more familiar to our listeners is when you do go through a divorce and you have the ability to re. Identify yourself as a. A single individual person. Ofttimes, what happens because of the kids is we come back and we find ourselves as really good friends raising kids. And so same two people. But absolutely what's happened is the relationship has transformed, and we recognize and realize we can still love each other, we can still cheer each other on, we can still raise our children, and we're actually better off and better friends than we were when we were trying to be lovers in our marriage and in our relationship. And I think we don't appreciate the transformation that relationships can evolve into if we'll just give it a little bit of time. You know, that's something. Even though you might be in a tremendous amount of conflict and pain now, perhaps maybe going through a divorce or some kind of a breakup, recognize and realize that change and transformation will absolutely happen. And you won't know what's on the other side of this until you travel there. Meaning all we can do as human beings is show up and do the very best we can and become the very best person that we can. And we bring that to the table. And then, ofttimes, those relationships that we once had will transform into something different. You know, it's wonderful to see. It's wonderful to experience as well. Right. So regardless of whether you think it's possible or not, just focus and double down on you developing the very best version of you and bring that to the table. And it's amazing what can happen as a result of that, truly.

Yep. The next question is from our YouTube channel. My wife is a functioning addict. It's been going on for several years, and sadly, I have to admit, I've been enabling her. The couple of sober hours I get with her per day are good, but once she goes to her addictions, she becomes oblivious to my presence. Or we have arguments that she doesn't remember in the morning. What do I do to help her?

While the only thing you can do is something we've talked a lot about in this episode. Reassure her, let her know that you love her. But she and only she is going to be able to get the help that she needs when she's ready. And there's not a lot we can do about that. You know, this is. This is the realities of where we I end and you begin, meaning somebody in my life. I can only govern and rudder me. And if they're unwilling to rudder to a similar place, then I have to redecide what it is I have the capacity to do to respond to that, because I can't control another person and I can't force another person to get help. It's hard. It's really, really hard to accept where I end and you begin.

And might that be a situation that Brooke, you know, and thank you for your question, the YouTube subscriber. Might that be a situation where the wife could be getting some specific help around her addiction challenge and then both could be also working on their relationship simultaneously?

Absolutely. And that's ideally how it would need to play out. But if you're trying to force them to get help, that's not gonna work. There's nothing you can do to force them to get help other than to say, hey, we need to get some help. Would you please be ready? Right now I need you to be ready. Is there anything I can do to support you in getting help? Are you ready to get help? And then it comes back around to saying, I'm running out of gas. Critically important that we get you some help. I can't sustain this personally. And then that turns into oft times, I'm sorry, I can't take this journey with you anymore. I'm dying on the inside myself.

I have someone very close to me is an addict. And this whole idea of Enabling is interesting because what's the opposite of enabling? I kind of feel like it's neglecting, you know, like, enabling has become this kind of, like, bad word and addiction. But the opposite of enabling is also bad because then it. It just means you're not really helping them at all, you know? So if a person doesn't want to stop their addiction, I kind of feel like the only way to connect with them is going to be some form of enabling. It doesn't mean you're buying their drugs or their alcohol, but it means you're not kicking them out of your house. It means that you're still having a relationship with them. It means that you're not constantly judging them for turning to their addiction. Those are all ways of enabling. But if you don't do those things, then they're just going to be all by themselves because that's. We have a real problem with addiction in America, and we're not good at dealing with it outside of rehab. So, you know, it's just. It's a really hard situation because I'm very familiar with that conversation, and I know you guys both are, too, but it's kind of like either or like. But I feel like both are bad, you know? So what do you say to that?

Absolutely. Knowing where you stand and what you're willing to contribute to and not to somebody who's struggling in addiction is going to be your way through the person who's supporting the addicted. And that's going to be different for all of us. Absolutely. We don't want to enable by buying or. But ofttimes, there's a rationalization, too. There's a conversation about, okay, I'll just do it this once, and then. Then it'll be over, I swear. You know, you have to be. And Rounds will do this, right? Rounds will say, no, I can't go there with you right now, but I love you, right? And I'm willing to do other things, but not to support the addiction. And you find that as you get more and more clear about what you're willing to do and what you're not willing to do and you just disclose it, you automatically can love that person. You know, I don't think we talk about this where I love this person, but I don't have to get aggressive and. And convince them that I don't love them and that to push them away in order for them to get help, that becomes abusive. Right. It's emotionally abusive if it's not physically abusive. And that's really the delicate line that we're walking, right? It's, it's. I love you and I care about you and I want this to be better. I want you to get help. And here's where I'm not willing to go with you no more. I'm not willing to go here with you anymore.

And then would that be like how we teach and mentor in our. In boundaries? I would, you know, and my. I've, as Brooke shared, we've all been through this. My own experience was that's that that door, that garage door we use as a metaphor, it changes positions. Was that a fair enough in, in our journey?

You're talking about the metaphor of a boundary not being a fence. Like, because I've set this, it never changed up and it's never going to change. And because I've said I won't do this, there's no renegotiating it.

That's a very movable.

It's more like a garage door where you can close it right immediately if you need to, and you can open it up a crack and risk a little bit and then a little more as things improve and get better. And then if I ever need to, I can always close it shut again. And that's very much. I'm glad you brought that up, babe, because that's very much how you navigate addiction, Right? There's going to be days where you're willing to risk a little bit and there's going to be days where it's like, oh, this is a no fly zone. The garage door is now shut. Absolutely. And it's. And it's a day by day, sometimes moment by moment walk that everybody is walking together. And sobriety, of course, is the goal. But sometimes, you know, we, we fall off of sobriety. And that has to be known, a known part of the journey. We've got to know how to get back on the horse when we fall off the horse. And being able to do both is I think maybe the first step in managing addiction. It seems to be we've got to get good at getting back on the horse, so to speak, and not just falling off the horse and staying there, you know, and so be willing to risk, you know, the getting on and getting off place. What were you going to say, Brooke?

Another. I was going to say I used to take this person's falling off the wagon very personally. Like, it was a front to me, you know, like they were giving up on me and my relationship with them. So to this man who commented on our YouTube, I would just say, don't do that. That's the worst way that you can take someone falling off the wagon because they are so disappointed in themselves. They don't need to feel like they've disappointed you or rocked the foundation of your relationship as well. And also it does nothing good for you because that's not what's happening. They're not doing this to offend you. They've made a mistake. They're fighting a battle that we don't really understand and it's the hardest thing that they've ever had to do. And if they don't have that deep desire to become sober and they're just doing it for you, that's going to happen over and over again.

Very well said.

And I would encourage the person that asked the question again, we've talked a lot about this on this episode. If you're feeling like you're running out of gas and getting exasperated and maybe seeing this may never change, then it is imperative that you get some relevant and specific help for yourself to boost yourself. I mean, that's because we're going to not make it. You're going to run out of bandwidth. You will. And so, and you don't have to wait till whatever, you know, in this case, his wife, I mean, you know, so you do them simultaneously. That's the, I think, a very important distinction that you don't hear often. You have to do it simultaneously. And we're a unique body of work where we work with a lot of our clients come to us individually even though they're in a relationship. That's a very unique place. We were very good at that. We're comfortable with that. And we're very good at encouraging and teaching and mentoring our client to keep inviting that kind of non participatory husband, wife, spouse, partner. And a lot of them come on board. And we've all been called us through some pretty nasty things too.

Yeah. And I feel like it's important as we wrap up this conversation here due to all of the questions that have been asked. Trust. Let's talk about trust for a minute. I really want to come back around.

Before you sum up with trust, I want to ask one more question that has to do with trust because we had so many negative comments about this one specific thing that I would love for you to clarify about trust. So I just kind of summed them all up into a couple of questions. How do you truly move on after an affair? How do you stop worrying they will cheat again? How do you stop feeling they will be betrayed or that you will be betrayed. Because on all of our videos about trust, we have comments that say, no way, or that could never happen, or this is impossible, or maybe you could forgive them, but then you're going to have to compromise for the rest of your life, you know? So I think this would be a great way to sum up the show in the point of view of trust, what you're going to say.

Yeah, absolutely. It's hard for us to wrap our head around and being able to let it go. And that's going to be the hardest part. And that's an inside job, you know, it would be synonymous with forgiveness. Like, let it go, let it be. And we have this interesting way of thinking that if I hang on to the egregious betrayal that's happened as a result of an affair, right. That somehow it's going to keep it from happening again. It's kind of like carrying a little piece of it around in our back pocket, and we want to remember and remember and remember so that it never happens again. And there's a bias, a cognitive distortion there that that's going to be what keeps me from ever having to experience this kind of pain and betrayal again. And I want you to understand that actually, the truth is, if you don't let go of it, your actions of hanging onto it are going to be the thing that pushes the person away. Meaning I show up as good as I feel in my relationship, and if I'm always accusing you of doing it and doing it again and having you jump through hoop after hoop after hoop after hoop to feel good about moving on with you, then, yes, please end the relationship. Because you're not showing up in a way where you can allow true healing and forgiveness to take place. You're constantly accusing, you're always suspicious. Right. And the person on the other side is like, I swear I'm not. I don't know what else to do. And those are the things that drive the relationship to fall apart, I guess, is what I'm saying.

Yes, I get that, and I know our listeners get that, but how do you do that? Like, that just seems like it sounds wonderful how you're saying it, but it just seems impossible. How do they. As a person who would be called the victim of an affair, how the.

Heck do I let that go? How do. How do I.

How do I let that go? And how do I stop bringing it up to punish them? And how do I. Like, are you just saying that, or is that really possible?

Absolutely. Well, I'm actually thinking of a Client and her husband had an affair and they were trying to put it back together and she had to do a lot of work on her own thinking because naturally her mind would travel back to the affair and then she wanted to know more and more juicy details which would just really mess with her. And by the way, knowing more details is not the answer about the affair because it just creates more and more images in your mind that become more and more difficult to let go of. So it's, you know, the affair has happened. Get, get the basics of what it is you need to know, but only to the degree of why did you feel like you needed to do that in our relationship? That seems to be the question that never gets asked, like, help me understand why you reached for this instead of coming to me because that starts to highlight the problem in the relationship overall. And that's the part that needs to be fixed and worked on. Because if I don't feel like I can come and get my emotional needs met from you, this is what drives affairs as I'm trying to get them met outside of the relationship because I've made it up. They're not available here. So there's a huge conversation that just never happens there. And we think that them complying with us, checking their phones or putting a tracker on their cars or checking their social media accounts and all their texts is going to be the thing that's going to ensure that we're going in a good direction. And I'm going to propose to you. No, that is actually going to make you mentally and emotional crazy. Everybody's gonna get more emotionally and mentally broken down.

I have another question then. So when, let's say, let's say in this situation the wife had the affair. Okay, so the wife goes to the husband and says, I had an affair because I didn't feel that I could, you know, have these emotional conversations with you that I've really been wanting to have because you always poo poo me. So I had them with somebody else and then that turned into a sexual relationship. How does the husband accept some of the blame? I feel like this is a real sticking point where people get stuck is that the person who had the affair is the only person who did something bad. The person who is the so called victim of the affair did nothing bad when we all know that's not true. How does the person who was the victim of the affair accept some of the blame? How do they get over that hump? Because that was in our comments as well, that only, you know, only One person made the mistake, so the other person doesn't. You know, how do you deal with that in your mind?

Great question, by the way.

It is a really great question. And you're right. This is the sticking point. Couples that make it through an affair are willing to look at themselves. And if they're not, both of the partners. Yeah. If they're not. If both people aren't willing to do a deep dive evaluation of themselves and how it is we've created this experience in our relationship, it's not going to work. It's just absolutely not going to work. If you're approaching this as though you're coming from a place of victimhood, you're not going to be willing to look at yourself. And I am thinking of one in particular couple who came to my office. So let's just play this out for a minute, if I may. I'm going to tell you a bit of a story. I think this is really important to see. See what I see. And then you'll start to understand why we're saying what we're saying. A husband and a wife come in.

Okay.

And she says, he never talks. He'll never tell me how he feels. I've tried and tried and tried, and so I'm going to be surprised if he says anything. And I'm saying, well, okay, let's just kind of change the trajectory here. Let's give him an opportunity to advocate for himself. No, no, he won't. And she kept. Kept shutting the conversation down. And finally I said, okay, I'm going to ask you to please just listen. And I'm going to set a timer and I don't want you to say another word until I say it's your turn. And she said, okay. So lo and behold, once he had the space and the safety to talk, he talked a lot. And in our sessions, he would talk and talk and talk. And things were going really, really well until I said, okay, so what, what. Let's look at your side of this and let's discover what it is inside of you that causes you to override him and to monopolize the conversation and to tell him what he thinks and how he feels and right to be somewhat controlling and dominant of the conversations that you're having inside of your relationship. Do you think that these might be things that he sought emotional connection with, at least outside of your relationship? And she blew a gasket. She absolutely lost it and said, I'm the victim here. Obviously, you're not very good at knowing how to handle affairs, because this is not me that's done this. This is his fault. He's the one that's done the wrong, not me. And so there you have it. She's dominating and controlling the person. The man. In this particular case, the man is longing for some kind of an emotional connection where he can show up and express and share himself. And so she's not going to listen or take the time to do that. So he sought it outside of their relationship. Very common.

So barring the outliers, which there always are in every situation, in your experience over our 10 years of doing this work, would you say in an affair, specifically to an affair, infidelity, is there always these two components that. That lead to this situation rather than what Brooke described? There's yes.

Yes. The yes. It's always. It takes two to tango, I would say. And there is a reason why the person is seeking the affair outside of the relationship. And didn't say that. I'm unhappy in this relationship. So this is what I'm going to do. You know, that that's. There's a reason why I play it out like that. And affairs honestly happen more accidentally than you would think, right? I'm. And this is why, you know, secretaries and people that I work with are such a common form, because I'm developing those relationships right at work. I spend a lot of time there, and all of a sudden, you know, somebody kisses me and I'm like, whoa, okay, I'm not getting this at home. And then off we go. So, you know, they happen a lot more innocently than you would think. And it usually is a result of having some kind of an emotional, unmet need happening in the relationship. So what is that? How is everybody showing up to such a degree that the emotional needs are not being met in the relationship? And what were you going to say, Brooke?

But also, I want people to know that we're not making excuses, right? No one should. No one should say, okay, I'm not. I have a sucky marriage, so I'm going to have an affair. You know, you should. That's not what we're saying.

What you should say is, I want to. I'm going to have an affair, and I'm going to have it with you, your partner. And so how you create that. That'd be a great podcast for next episode. But it's getting. You have to understand there's some things that are not happening within you and your husband, wife's significant other. And we always say, look, you can. You can choose to not not look at that, you know, avoid it, hope it doesn't happen, but our needs are going to get met. Absolutely. I could not agree with you more, Brooke. Great point. We are not saying that and advocating that, but what we are saying is like Brooke's question, how does one get over that? How do you do what, you know, outside of logic? It's easy enough to hear Stacy's answer, but the answer is being willing to look at ourselves. Where might have I also contributed to this situation that caused this outcome? Right. That's a much different conversation.

Yes, because. Because looking at it that way and accepting some of that blame is the way to heal, because then you can actually visually see the path of how it occurred, and then it can make sense to you and then you can get over it. You know, once you kind of see exactly how it happened, then you know exactly what you need to do to fix the situation, and then you can feel peace. Then it's not going to happen again because you fixed it.

Yeah, well, it goes, it goes from a purely logical process to an, you know, an emotional and transformational experience until one can, like, where am I? I mean, we do this all the time. You know, if I see something, you know, quite egregious or whatever, I try to think, gosh, you know, might I be showing up in that kind of a way? You know, I mean, that's the true actualized person. You have to be able to be willing and objectively look within yourself where might I might be, you know, falling down in that particular area rather than being so. Accusation, act, you know, accusatory towards somebody else.

Yeah. If you're.

Before we, before you guys move on from this, I have one last question. Sorry. If you, if the person. So say a person listening to this recognizes, oh, wow, I am. I am clearly not meeting one of my spouse's needs and I don't want them to go have an affair because of it. You know, they. They see that situation, so they go and have that conversation with their spouse, but there's like, it goes bad or they don't agree to fix that one problem. What do you do when. When your spouse says, I'm not going to work on this with you, or, you know, I'm not going to fix that problem or it's fine, I'm going to go have an affair. Like, how do you approach that situation?

Also going back to, we can't force or manipulate anyone to give us what it is we ultimately want and need, and sometimes what it is we know we need to do for ourselves. So at some point in time, we're going to have to step in and advocate for that within for ourselves. Because there's no winners if I flatline and you flatline or, you know, I'm standing by and my own life is breaking down. Right. I hope that if push comes to shove, we'll choose ourselves over choosing our relationship. We must. Otherwise it's a game over. Right. Everybody's gonna lose. And that's a very difficult line.

And I would also say that to me, would be the ultimate cue to where for, with great love and respect, as Robin Sharma likes to say, get some help. Get some outside professional expertise that can come around you and most likely facilitate an environment that you can't create on your own and facilitate some conversations that need to take place.

Well, and just a quick plug, you can get help with us by scheduling a clarity call@stacybartley.com apply. Okay.

I love it. Yeah. And take advantage of that. Right. This is our. We want to connect and support and help.

And you'll be talking to me, by the way.

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. This, this place, somebody's got to do something. Ofttimes what ends up happening is it's like nobody knows what to do and so we just kind of like do nothing because we're afraid of doing the wrong thing. And that is going to be a sure place expedited to breakdown. Like, it's not going to go well because action absolutely needs to be taken. Somebody do something, even if it's the wrong thing. At least that is going to show us what didn't work so we could take another stab at doing something else that might work and see it through. But doing nothing is just simply going to continue the outplay of what is not working. And this affair conversation, I want to impress upon you, as human beings, when we don't feel good or happy in a relationship, there's a difference between going through challenges and difficulty and still feeling connected emotionally to my person and knowing that the connection is lost. And now we're just going through the logistics and motions of living. But the emotional place that we felt connected at one point in time is gone. And we must face that reality because the outplay is going to be getting that emotional need met somewhere else. And it's very human of us to start imagining other people playing those roles because relationship is so much a part of who we are in our species. We love to feel connected. We love to feel wanted. We love to feel caressed and important and valued, at least to someone. And so we don't focus on the emotional component of our married life or our partnered or committed life as much as we need to. We focus on getting the logistics taken care of. And more times than not, our relationships turn into just that. Handling the logistics. You're paying the bills, right? Yep, yep. You're gonna drop the kids off, right? Oh, you gotta get to soccer. Oh, yeah, yeah. Did you get the family vacation planned? Yep, yep, yep. But the emotional connection is atrophying and if that's the case, then we are going to try and meet that emotional need through. Bleeding out the back is what I call it through, you know, yes, affairs. There's emotional affairs, physical affairs, but we're also going to be drinking more, we're going to be working more, we're going to be exercising more, we're going to be shopping more, we're going to do whatever we need to do to emotionally fuel so we can show back up in the relationship. And so everybody has a role to play. Remember, relationships are a co creation for heaven's sakes. It can never just be on one person shoulders. In regards to the outplay or the creation of our relationship. When there's two of us contributing in or not, there has to be a look and a view that we both take responsibility for. And that includes turning it around, that includes putting it back on track. And it's going to require both of us to show up and learn new ways of participating and contributing into this relationship that we have. As far as the creation of us.

I wish you'd get a little more passionate about this.

And if you're not into that sort of thing, then flush it and move on. That's what I would have to say. If you're not interested in taking a good look at yourself, then flush this relationship. And I know that you're going to get taught a few things down the road.

And again, use this as the catalyst or like Stacy says, this catalytic moment to realize I need some help. It is okay and perfectly normal to ask for help, but we have the.

Average married couple waits six years to get help. So imagine how much can take place within those six years and how depleted you'll feel by the end of them. How much better it could be if you got help.

That's a great that. I've never heard that. Statistics. That's a wow. Don't, don't wait. Don't wait six weeks. I mean, for heaven's sakes, we always say if someone was standing on your toe in the grocery line, would you wait six years to Ask them to get off your dang toe. No, you'd say, like, about six seconds. Excuse me, but why do we do it elsewhere in our emotional lives? Don't do that.

Yeah. I would say don't wait six hours. Yeah, Right. Let alone six days. Six years.

Just think, you know, you go to bed every single night and you're like, is this good? Is this as good as it's gonna get? I've asked myself that question in the past relationship. The answer is no. That is not as good as it can be. It can be so much better. So stop waiting and. And we can help you.

Absolutely. I feel like it's probably time to wrap this up for sure. We probably didn't get through all of the questions, but I promise we'll come back and do more of these.

Are we gonna share our. Our follow the fun and our song?

I think we absolutely should. I mean, every episode needs one and.

And this is. This has been heavy. So this be a great segue. Like you can even or you need to. It's not even even. You need to make sure that you put some novelty in place. Stacy and I were talking about this at great length after we had a wonderfully novel and fun evening last night, we came home and Stacy said I wanted the night to continue. So we turned on our lights and sat in our little garden out front, put our little speaker out there and continued and talked about, why is it so many couples have problems with novelty and play after six years or six weeks or six months?

Well, and I'm so glad you brought that up, babe, because that's exactly where our follow the fun is going to come from for this episode is, you know, I titled it let's keep it simple and enjoy the moment. And the moment is be here Now. And so, yeah, just like we did last night, Plug in some twinkle lights, turn on your favorite tunes. Right, because those take us places. And let those move you and snag your favorite beverage. Listen, sip, cuddle, kiss, and laugh. And if you feel like it, share. But just to sit in the moment together, right, Enjoying those simple little pleasures of life does so much to refuel us.

And I'm going to brag on my wonderful wife and Brooke, you were just visiting. You said mom, too. There's no way you're gonna p anything out of those cupboards. I've seen there. There's nothing in there to produce a dinner. Stacy is magical. What? So we didn't have a whole lot to choose from when we came home, and Stacy wanted to extend Our night, we did have a bottle of wine, thank goodness. That was huge. And then our snack was wonderful, Brooke. We bought them when you were here. An extra package of the croutons for the salad that didn't get eaten and some chopped up cheese. That was the treat. And guess what? It was. It was wonderful. So we had some lovely red wine, some lovely tasting croutons and some cheese. So again we talked at length. It does not have to be hard. It does not have to be hard. The grand things are wonderful. Our trip to Italy, you know, wonderful. But we're not going to do one of those all the time. And we wait way too long before we have these moments that matter that are not that hard to produce. But do take some intention. I cannot overemphasize how I'm to going important, that is. And to be fully transparent, I was ready to. I was could have said, you know, let's just call it a night, babe. I mean, you know, Stacy, we dance. Stacy danced every song. I didn't dance every song, but a lot of them. So I was good. No, no, we wanted. And I could tell it meant a lot to Stacy. I want this night to continue. It was a beautiful summer night here in Sacramento. We're the only ones out. Brooke knows we have a little like garden in our front of our house. You can't even tell we're in there. You know, Jiggy was excited that we were home. He was on the couch with us. We had our little speaker out there. It was absolutely lovely. So I mean it. That's not complicated like, you know, treats you'd find at the Ritz Carlton.

No, it's so simple. It's so simple. And even if you're going through a difficult time right now, take time to create moment like this, you know, and thread them together. It's really not very complicated. It's more of like a mind trip that we can do it and we can go there. Yes, you can insist that you do. It's kind of like back to that timer idea, you know, look, we want to live on both sides. There's times to get things done and handled and there's times to sit back and simply enjoy right the moment with some music, some wine and croutons and a little cheese. And our song today as we wrap up this episode comes from Diana Krall. And she said, hey, let's fall in love. Let's just do it. What the heck, Fall in love again. I love the lyrics when she says, why shouldn't we? You know what the heck, let's just give it a whirl and let's let our hearts decide.

In fact, that song was playing this morning on our speaker because we always start our morning if we're together. Let's put on some nice music, we prepare our coffee and Stace says, babe, that's our song for the show today right there. So again, doesn't have to be complicated, but boy, does it make a difference.

It sure does. So check out this week's song along with all of our songs from our past episodes by going to our website@staceybartley.com and clicking on the Love Shack Live playlist. Each and every one of our episodes has a song. You'll have a fun playlist about the journey of love. And so, as we wrap up today, thank you so much for engaging with us, for asking your questions. It means the world to us. It truly does. And if you by chance have a conversation or a question for us, ask it, because I promise us we're going to answer it somehow. Whether it's on a podcast episode or through our social media, we truly do care and want to connect with you and Brooke.

Do we still have the. Can people go to our website and leave us an audio message as well? Do we still have that on there?

Yep. If you go to stacybartley.com forward/podcast, you'll see a button to leave a message and you can leave a voice message for us.

My. My final encouragement is do your best to be a better lover every single day. Have some fun while doing it, and commit to feeling good along the way. You and you alone will know right when I'm feeling a little bit better and when I'm not. Listen to that. Until next time, we look forward to seeing you again here in the Love Shack.

Thanks, everybody. Okay, everybody, time to go. We gotta close the doors to the Love Shack for this week. You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here. Come back next week, though, and join us for another edition of Love Shack Live with Tom and Stacey Bartley.