#96: What Healthy Boundaries Look Like (And Why You Should Set Them)

Give it.

Give the garage door analogy, because I think that's. That's something that most of us can get our arms around.

Yeah. So instead of building fences with relationships, you know, whether we're going through a challenging time politically with our families of origin or with our lovers or our kids, some of the even good friends, you know, co workers, etcetera, it's helpful to realize that instead of building a fence or a wall, that then we feel like we have to maintain forever, however long that is. We want to think of it as a garage door instead.

Hey, thanks for coming. Welcome to the Love shack.

Hey, welcome to the love shack. It's a little old place where we get to get together, explore fresh perspectives, and eavesdrop on juicy conversations to discover the things that really matter. Who, while having a little bit of fun along the way. This is episode number 96. We're gonna be diving deep into exploring boundaries specific to emotional boundaries, because those are the ones that are gonna kick your fanny. And if that's a new concept or idea for you, don't worry, we're gonna walk you through it. We're gonna give you some great examples, and we even have an incredible quiz that you can take right here on the show to determine where you stand stand and how you show up in your relationship in relationship to your emotional boundaries and how that's playing out. So welcome. Thank you so much for spending some of your time with us right here in the love shack.

Absolutely. And, you know, hopefully we haven't lost you. That. That was pretty. Pretty intense even sitting here next to my lovely wife. Well, only because, like, oh, gosh, it's kind of like, you know, when, you know, you have to go to the dentist for a root canal, like, oh, God, you know. But no, all kidding aside, this is. This is everything in our body of work, and it's everything in our relationships. But yet so few of us have our ability to put our arms around it in a way that makes sense and we can understand it and then implement things that we're going to suggest to you to help you in this emotional boundary journey.

Yeah, well. And it is at the heart of what puts our relationships in a downward spiral. Like, this is where it happens. And we spend a lot of time talking about this with our clients because it is such a game changer when we understand what it is we're really talking about. And when you think about some of the ways we talk about boundaries, and, you know, if you were to do a Google search and you were to start stepping into the conversation around boundaries, it gets pretty hard lined. And it usually sounds a lot like, don't you ever say that anymore or don't you ever do this anymore or.

Don'T you ever contact me ever, ever, ever, ever again?

Yeah. And there's a lot of. There's a lot of hard lines. And I always feel like, gosh, that's what if you change your mind? You know, life is so fluid and things change so dramatically, which is something we don't spend a lot of time talking about either. Those seem like really hard lines. I don't know how long never is, but that seems like a really long time to me.

Well, share with us, babe. I've always liked your analogy when we've taught, you know, in person and also online, you know, give, give, give the garage door analogy, because I think that's, that's something that most of us can get our arms around.

Yeah. So instead of building fe with relationships, you know, whether we're going through a challenging time politically with our families of origin or with our lovers or our kids, some of the even good friends, you know, co workers, etc. It's helpful to realize that instead of building a fence or a wall, that then we feel like we have to maintain forever, however long that is. We want to think of it as a garage door instead that, you know, right now I need to have that garage door closed. And that's where we can start to understand what's happened. For me, for the person of times, what we need intuitively, we just need some space. We just need some time to think about what's gone down, how I feel about it, what I want to do with it, and make some sense of it for ourselves. And so we pull back. We need some quiet time. We need some solo time on our own, and we can shut that garage door completely shut. But as we feel like we want to risk again, or we want to understand or we want to reach out, that garage door can be opened a tiny, tiny bit, or it can be thrown all the way open if you wanted to. And you always have the ability to adjust that garage door according to what's playing out. And I think that's maybe a better analogy when we start talking about boundaries. But as we also continue to step into exploring boundaries, it's important to note that emotional boundaries are what kicks our fanny. And I mentioned that as we started this episode. What do I mean by emotional boundaries? Well, essentially a boundary, really, whether we're talking about it in the physical sense or the emotional sense, it's where I end and you begin. And I like to say if Tom and I put our hands together, you know, it would be very easy for us to determine where my hand ends and where his hand begins. And I would know physically that I'm responsible for my hand and he's responsible for his. And if he were to injure his hand, the best I could do would be to support him with that, you know, maybe get him some band aids and some nail Sporin.

Well, you just did, remember? We just did, yeah. If you're watching, I'll hold my finger. I caught it in my. No, I didn't catch it. I slammed it into my door, into the door of our jam. Of our car. And Stacy immediately helped me when I came in.

The aftermath of that, though, is still on him to ensure that it heals, to manage the pain, to decide additional remedies that may or may not be required. Like that's. That's his hand. And so it is with our emotions. Right. There's a place where I end and you begin emotionally. And it's hard for us, especially in relationships with people that we significantly care about to understand where I end and you begin and what's mine and what isn't. Hence the topic of our conversation today. And I want to give you some examples with some clients. This is a continuous conversation that we have in. In our private office here in California, where couples come in and a couple of things are happening that you may relate to.

And I would also just add also our online couples that are located all across the United States and the world.

At times they come in and they say, hey, I'm running around, and everything I do doesn't please them. I'm doing my best to do everything that they've asked to fulfill what it is they're telling me they need. And I can't get it right. I just can't get it right. I'm always making the wrong call. There's something that I've always missed or I've overlooked this time. And there doesn't seem to be any consistency in what it is I'm trying to meet as far as a need for my lover, for my partner. And I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm completely exhausted. And I take everything as though I'm just not good enough. I'm. I'm broken. There's nothing that can be done, and I'm really, really struggling. That's a very common conversation. And I just want to point out that is a perfect description of an emotional boundary that is continuously not being honored in the sense that they're trying to take care of somebody else's emotional boundaries and exhausting themselves in doing so. And the other flip is I'm frustrated, I'm hurting, I don't know how to get my emotional needs met and I'm acting them out. And so I say things to my partner that are critical, minimizing, belittling. I find myself comparing how much I do versus what they do. And I'm constantly kind of trying to undercut them so I can feel a little bit better. And there's this common place where if I'm hurting, I want them to hurt too. I think that they need to pay. And that again is the flip side of an emotional boundary where I'm feeling like if I can get them to hurt like I do, then they'll understand me. And not only that, I'm entitled to because of all the things that they've missed in regards to meeting my emotional needs as well. Those are all great examples of how emotional boundaries and the crossing of them can show up in our relationship. And we don't talk about this like I think that this is something that we should talk about very early on in our lives because it's such a huge part of relationships and if they go well or not. And so many times they're fluid, they're dynamic, they shapeshift, they can time travel. And managing them sometimes is a full time job for most of us as human beings. And yet we spend very little time talking about them outside of labeling them, labeling how I feel, or labeling all the dysfunctions that occur as a result of my emotional engagements with others.

So would you also say that and if we do step into this place, it's funny, we would tend to probably focus more on someone else's emotions and suggesting how they navigate them rather than looking within ourself and undertaking that within ourselves.

Oh, for sure. I know how I feel, so I say so I'm going to focus on making sure that you either see my value by working my fanny off and trying to show you, by pleasing you, by meeting your needs, by doing what you've asked. And I find, especially if you're on the pleasing side, that's a bottomless pit, that it doesn't matter what I do. You still seem to be upset, you still seem to be angry, you still seem to, you know, go missing, or you still don't want to get close, you still don't want to, you know, be intimate and have sex. You still don't want to spend time with me and the kids, right? And I'm working really, really diligently to turn, turn that around. I know for myself. I remember that kind of turning me into a crazy person, which it does. And on the flip side of that, you know, let's say the person on the opposite side that's saying, hey, I just need to control my exterior environment. I just need to get people to do these things or stop doing these other things, and then I'm going to feel better again. That's never going to work. And this is where a lot of mental health challenges, like ocd, et cetera, come from. Because I'm so busy trying to manage my environment. I truly believe that this is what's going to ease my pain and my frustration and my anger and my upset. And then there's the whole next layer of I'm going to get somebody to pay, and then maybe they'll finally understand where I'm coming from, they'll understand how much pain I'm in, et cetera. And so it becomes like a competition. So these are all three great examples of how emotional or cross or the crossing of those emotional boundaries play out. In the case of pleasing. I'm crossing boundaries and trying to do all the emotional, what I call weightlifting, where I'm taking on all the emotional right needs and wants of the other person. And I'm making it personalized. I'm saying I need to not only manage myself, but I also need to manage this other person. And on the other side of the coin, where I'm the one that's saying if I can just control this person, if I can just get them to start and stop doing things, things that I know are going to make me feel better, that would be the control side of the relationship. And I'm just sure and certain if I can manage the environment, if I can manage the partner, if I can manage the kids, if I can manage it all, then I'm going to feel better. And yet, as try as I might, it's still not working. And then the third component of it is where I feel like we're in competition and now we're both playing the same game. I call that a race to the bottom, where we're comparing and we're judging each other and I'm pointing out all the ways you do it differently than me and that my way is better and this why and this is how. And on and on and on we go to the belittlement, the demise and the disgust of us both. This is where we both turn into proverbial monsters in trying to feel, get the credit, the validation, etc.

That. Would you say in our practice, do you find one of those, you know, one of the three more prevalent?

No. In fact, they can come in combos. I can be a pleaser. Pleaser, pleaser. And then I get mad. And then I'm comparing. Comparing, whittling you down, criticizing, belittling you. Turn, you know, telling you you're a monster. You know, we can spiral between all three. We typically have a favorite. Like, I am a pleaser. I love to please. I have many relationships where I just thought that if I could please you enough, you would know that I love you. You know, you would know that I'm the best thing that's ever happened to you, et cetera. And then you find that's a bottomless pit. And here's why. Why all three of those options are a bottomless pit. If I go back to the analogy of right physical, we can wrap our head around this principle where I.

Physical boundary.

A physical boundary where I end and you begin in your body. If you had a headache, a stomach ache, a cut finger, etc.

Well, you always use the one where. If you were standing in line, let's say, at the grocery store, and someone accidentally stepped on your toe, on your shoe, how long would it take you to say, excuse me, not very long.

But where I'm going with this is what you feel and what you experience in your body is a message for you. Like, it's. It's something you've got to manage. And even though I, as your partner, as your parent, as your friend, as your co worker, could support you with that pain, I could maybe get you a glass of water and I could get you some aspirin and I could get you a band aid and some of these other things that we've already talked about, I can support you with that. But at the end of the day, the remedy is still on you to feel better. And this is where emotional boundaries get tricky, because I feel like. And I make it up in my mind that I'm feeling the way I feel because of what you're doing. And it's not something I can remedy unless I control or please you. And I need you to understand that's not true.

And boy, is that prevalent, would you say?

Yes, 100% it is. To the demise of our relationships with others across the board. And realizing that if I'm feeling it just like in my physical body, in my emotional body, if I'm feeling it. It's a message for me.

Okay, so let me just. For our listeners. And me, too. So, okay, so someone is that I'm you. You're doing something that really aggravates the.

Heck out of me.

Rather than thinking, if I could just get Stacy to stop that dang behavior that drives me effing nuts, what would be the way to handle my. You know, handle it from an emotional boundary or understanding, you know, how would I handle that? Instead of saying, would you just please not do that? And if that was the case, everything would be great. What would be the alternative or actually the actual better thing to do?

You and I have an actual story.

About this, ladies and gentlemen. This is not planned. I'm not sure what's going to be brought up right now, but.

Okay, okay. Brace yourself.

Okay.

Do you remember the alarm clock stuff?

Oh, gosh, yes. The alarm clock. Great. Good one, honey. We're trying to think of a story, listeners, honestly. So this is a good one. This is a good one. So Stacy, if she just get herself up correctly on time, we wouldn't be having this discussion.

And I'm saying, gosh, why? I swear, if you set that alarm clock one more time, I'm gonna freak out. Because where we go is completely different emotionally. So this is something very simple. And most of these crossings of our emotional boundaries or stepping on each other's toes is really simple stuff. What we don't do is we try and get them to stop doing it. So that's exactly where I went with Tom. I swear, if you set that alarm clock one more time, one more time, it's, you know, I don't know what I'm going to do. But you're going to pay. You're so going to pay. And what was happening there is he was stepping over an emotional boundary for me that he knew nothing about. And that emotional boundary for me was, gosh, if you have to set my alarm clock, then you must think, I'm really not capable of doing much else. It minimized me and how I felt about me and myself. It really didn't have anything to do whether with whether he should set the alarm clock or not. It had everything to do with where I go emotionally when I see him setting the alarm clock for me.

And then. May I share my perspective?

Okay.

Which you guys will all realize is the proper one. No, I'm having some fun. But, no, I was setting it because, I mean, not to be judgmental. Stace just doesn't get up quite as easily as I do in the morning. And this was specific to us. We take turns back before our grandkids rolled or could drive to get the grandkids to school on time so we would be the taxi driver. And so days that I didn't do it, I thought I would just be lovingly helping and assisting Stacy by setting the alarm clock to ensure. Because the kids, the grandkids, like to be on time for school.

And I think this all came as a result of me being late with the grandkids one time. It wasn't like I was consistently or chronically late. It was something that had cropped up. And then Tom decided in his own emotional experience that he needed to set the alarm clock for me, and then that was the way to ensure that it never happened.

Well, you could maybe also, you learned in some of your more recent trainings that I am what one would be called in the technical world, hyper vigilant.

Yes, he's very hyper vigilant. And I'm not so much. Right.

So we make it so somewhere in the middle is probably pretty nice.

Well, and this is a great example of emotional boundaries, and us and only us, know what's going on inside of those emotional boundaries. And honestly, we don't know when they get crossed either. You know, we notice that they're crossed when they're crossed.

So.

So, like, I can say, okay, you're getting close, you know, don't do that.

So, no, Stacy let me know, like, dang it. Come on, honey.

Well, at first, I just threatened and said, don't you dare. And, you know, he'd sneak in and he would set that darn alarm clock.

Quietly, quietly. So no.

Oh, my gosh.

Quietly. So Stacy didn't know.

Yes. Until the morning, until we actually had a conversation about, where are your emotional boundaries? Here are mine. And once we understood where everybody was coming from, it made a whole lot of sense. And then we finally agreed.

We worked out. We worked out a plan.

Yeah. That. Yes, I will ask you to set the alarm clock if I feel like I need some extra help or.

Or correct me if I wrong, babe, we said, would it be okay if I'm. As. We're getting ready, babe, would you like me or no. To set the. You know, I could offer. And then I did absolutely say, yes, I will honor. And I have. Right.

Yeah.

And so this day, a lot of times. Babe, do you want me to set the alarm, or do you want me to wake you up before I leave?

No.

Okay, good. All good.

So I can feel like I'm capable of managing and navigating this, but at points and times where, you know, he can offer his support, that's totally fine. And then I have the space and the permission. You're going to find out that's really important to say, yes, that sounds helpful. Or not. And if we were to put this in the physical context, you know, imagine having a stomachache and somebody saying, come on, come on, come on. Take this Pepto Bismo. Here, I got this Pepto Bismo. I need you to help. And you're saying, no, I swear, if I put something else in my stomach, I'm going to throw up. And they're like, no, no, no, no. This is going to make you feel better. Just take the Pepto Bismo. And there's no space or permission in there for the person who's experiencing the pain to determine what it is they need. And ultimately, they're the ones that are responsible for the experience that's playing out in their own self. And this is how we cross emotional boundaries all the time. Now, Tom, you. You made the analogy of stepping on a toe, and that's also another really great one. When our emotional boundaries get crossed, we'll let people stand on our toes for eons and eons and years. The potential give it.

What would that give us? A specific example, emotionally, what would that feel like?

Well, so if you and I couldn't even get through the simple example of the alarm clock and where everybody goes, can you even imagine how this could crescendo and boil over into other places? Right now, it's not just the alarm clock. You feel like you need to meet, you know, to do, for me, that you need. You need to set the timer for the dryer, too, to make sure that all the clothes come out on time.

We have had discussions about. No, just kidding.

Start to kind of. You start to add on, and you go, gosh, I can't do this. And you don't believe I can do that. Now you feel like I'm horrible here. And then I start to take that personal, and then I start to take it out on you, thinking, that's going to make me feel better. I criticize you. I belittle you. And now we're in that race to the bottom I talked about, Right? And it happens in all these little subtle ways. And so the way through it is to identify where I end and you begin and what we need to do about it to understand where I go and what's motivating you to do what it is you're doing. And that's why I say communication is for understanding with a hard, hard period.

So would you say in our example, which was real and true, when you realized that I was really doing it to help you and to, you know, just, I'm up. Stacey says, I'm a squirrel. I wake up really, really easily.

I swear he has like springs on his eyelids, you know, they just go. And then flap, flap, they go up and he's off to the races. And it takes me a little longer.

But I mean, so would you say once you realize that where I was coming from, like you say it was a sweetheart message, still was not implemented? I would say, would that be a good, you know, the way that you. That worked.

What didn't work in that situation was you doing it anyway and me not being able to communicate to you why it was a struggle for me. Okay. And so I think once we came to a place of understanding, you correct me if I'm wrong. I was like, oh, that's really sweet. I get why you would be motivated to do that. And I could flip it it on you and say, when you understood where my emotional boundary was and where I would go in that scenario, what did you, what did you feel? What did, you know?

It was, it was. You said, you know, I got it. I heard. You're right. You know, and that's not my intention. You know, again, you can leverage with and off of your, your partner, your strengths and maybe places where you aren't so strong in a way that serves. But this, you know, if you're not following that, now you're going to get into this, you know, place, like Stacy said, race to the bottom, you know, so, yeah, it would change the whole paradigm and energy of the situation and not really still to often. Babe, you know, are you good in the morning? You know, like we, we, we compare our schedules and then like, do you need some help? No, I'm good.

Okay. Yeah. Well. And that would be the case regarding the kids, the trash, the bills, the, you know, that we're going to go different places here and we're going to step on each other's toes unintentionally. And being able to identify what's mine and what isn't is something that I really encourage you to pay attention to and how message for you, be mindful of not taking that out on your partner. There are lots of other things that you can do to explore it, to understand it, to advocate for yourself, which is what's going to point us to the quiz that I want to give you today I've compiled some questions that help us understand where I end and you begin. So, so that we can start to see why it is. I either cross people's emotional boundaries all the time thinking I know the way, I'm in charge, I know better. I've got this all figured out. You're going to do it the way I tell you to do it, or you have a difficult time like advocating for yourself by saying, hey, you know what? You're standing on my emotional toe. This isn't okay. It's on me to remedy that. And here's some things that I think would really help me show up in our relationship better. And by the way, the that's why this is so important because in our relationships, we show up as good as we feel. And so the first thing that I want you to just explore with inside of yourself is do you have trouble speaking up when someone disappoints or offends you in some way? Like, is that difficult? Do you just allow it to happen? Because if you are doing that, it is exactly like having someone just standing on your toe physically.

And not to be hyper vigilant, but you don't have to try to write these questions down because we're going to attach a place in the show notes. Our daughter, wonderful daughter, who's taking one for the team, ladies and gentlemen, because she's behind the scenes, is not feeling well. So you don't hear, you won't hear Brooke, our daughter in the dark today because she's quietly helping us. We love you, Brookie. Thank you.

So that's a big one. Yes. We number one.

Yeah. One more time.

Do you have trouble speaking up when someone disappoints or offend you in some way? Do you say something or do you make it up that it's, it's not noteworthy or you'll just handle it on your own or it doesn't bother to be mentioned because you don't want to rock the boat, you don't want to create a fight, etc?

Number two, do you have trouble saying no to the request of others?

When people ask you for for things, do you feel like you absolutely need to go and do it or do you have a moment of pause where you look with inside of yourself and go, is that something I can contribute or not? Is that something that works for me or not?

I would say that's one that a lot of us say, oh, dang, don't really want to, but I guess I will.

Well, and not only that, that when we get married, this is where obligation starts to show up. If I'm married to you, then you better not say no because you know, you're my wife, you're my husband, and we all know you should be doing it. And that's stepping over emotional boundaries as well. Like when I ask whether you're my married partner, my boyfriend, my girlfriend, my.

Child, long term partner, significant friendship, it.

Doesn'T matter when I ask. It's, it's, it's truly an ask. And you think about when I sincerely ask my friends, my BFFs, and when I sincerely ask my lover. Those are very different places. And they don't, they shouldn't be in my appointment. In my opinion, they shouldn't be. If I'm asking you for something, it's a sincere ask and you have the opportunity and the space and the permission to say no, I'm sorry, that's not going to work for me. And I would encourage you, if that's something that you're struggling with right now, throw out an alternative. But I would be willing to do this. That, that's a part of Tom and I's conversation often. And something that really helps our clients is, hey, I'm not in a place where I can do this now, but I could in 15 minutes. Or hey, I'm not feeling like I can take that on right now, but maybe tomorrow. Or hey, I'm not feeling comfortable with that. And here's where I'm at with that. This is why I'm and where I'm coming from. And it's important to have those conversations because it does create a tremendous amount of understanding. But there has to be permission to say I'm sorry, that's not going to work for me. That's too much, that's overwhelming. I can't take that on. And if there is no space and permission, that's where the obligation steps in and really smothers us. Right? And then we're off to that race to the bottom. Emotionally, I'm not able to be congruent with myself. Do you struggle with asking others for what you want and need to be happy? And if that's the case, then you're always going to not get your needs met. That's how that principle works. If I can't advocate for what I need, and I'm expecting my person to know what I need, that's a setup for failure because they don't know what you need unless you disclose it. We have a saying in our body of work. It's your Job to teach the people in your life how to love you best. And if you can't advocate for yourself, you can see right out of the gate you're not going to have a lot of success in getting your emotional needs met. If we leave it up to the assumptions of others, that's something that we need to learn how to explore.

Well, I think. I mean, I think most of us have heard, you know, out there in the relationship narrative. I can't read, you know, his or her mind. Yeah, none of us.

None of us can.

Well, that was good.

Hey, we almost did that simultaneously.

Next one. This is a big. I mean, I'm going to say this on all of them. Do you find yourself. Excuse me. Do you find yourself filled with fear when an upset occurs?

Yeah. Like when you know that there's a difficult conversation brewing or something's not working for you or you can sense that your partner is having a difficult time, does it create a lot of fear inside of you because you don't know what to do? Instead, you start reeling. You know, I can. I can relate to that. I know early on in my, shall we say, relationship, career and love life, that used to freak me out. All of a sudden you have problems and you go, oh, my gosh, everybody stop and stand and be paralyzed. Don't anybody breathe. Nobody move. Right. Because you don't know what to do next or how to bring those conversations to the table. Would you say that's true for you, too?

Yes.

Yeah.

These difficult conversations used to scare the bejesus out of me.

Really? You're so good at them now.

Well, I don't quite maybe geek out on them like you do, but. Yeah, you know. And how does one become better reps? The emotional weightlifting gym, ladies and gentlemen. Literally. How would we expect to be natural at something we have no idea how to do, nor have we ever done them?

So this is a classic. Do you feel like you're walking on eggshells in your relationship, being careful to not upset anyone? And that kind of goes hand in hand with the. With the first question we just above question. If we're afraid of conflict and we don't know how to navigate through it, then we have to walk on eggshells in order to not trip anybody off. And then when your person does get upset, do you take it personally, as though you should have known better or should have seen it coming or should have known how to handle it? And I just want to impress upon you that where I end and you begin, it's okay for your Partner to be upset. It doesn't mean you have to fix it or that it's on you to know what they need. It's on them to ask you for what it is they need. So take a breath. Right? This isn't, is it? This is not your fault. This is not something that you can fix. And let's be honest, everybody's doing the very best they know how in the moment. And these emotional boundaries get crossed very easily. And when they do, it's. It's going to upset somebody, especially if they have no ability to emotionally regulate themselves. So don't take that on. I see you're upset. You know, when you're ready to talk about it, I'll be right here. Right. Calm down. And then I'm willing to hear what you have to say. Those are great statements that create that boundary, that emotional boundary of where I end and you begin. Hey, I want to hear what you have to say, but not like this. Right? Why don't you calm down and then let's talk. And. And that creates that space in between. I'm not responsible because of the way you're showing up or the way that you're feeling upset. That's on you. Remember, if it's a message they're feeling, it's for them, and it's on them to remedy it. You don't have to take that on to fix it. That's what the eggshell conversation is. I'm taking on things that don't belong to me emotionally.

Next one. Do you feel like you give and give and give and your efforts go unappreciated?

Yeah. And that's you trying to assume what somebody in your relationship needs and wants without being clear, having, understanding, necessary. You're also stepping over that emotional boundary and trying to please them. Like that's an alarm clock. That's an alarm clock issue where he was trying to help me with it. But there's no communication or conversation about why he's doing it. And little did he know, it makes me feel tremendously less than. Makes me feel like I'm incapable and weak. And so if you're giving and giving and giving and pleasing and it never seems to be enough and you can't get it right. It's because they're. You're trying to predict or assume what it is they want, and they're also trying to control you in order to feel better. And that's never going to go well. That's just never going to work out. Do you struggle to be truthful like do you give half truths about, you know, what happened or half truths about what it is you want because you feel like if you really go for the enchilada, like, like this is what I want and this is what I need, that you're going to be construed or condemned to being selfish or self centered or you think the world revolves around you, that there's a backlash that comes with that. It doesn't mean you don't need or want those things. And that backlash is something that somebody else is struggling with emotionally. And so that's, that's got to be addressed. That is absolutely something that we need to get clear on as far as those emotional boundaries go.

Do you freely express your thoughts and feelings to the people you are close to?

Very similar to the one we just mentioned. Where can you and do you know yourself enough to freely express your thoughts, your feelings, where you're at, what works for you and what doesn't? As I like to say, do you look with inside of yourself but before you say something to others or are you saying things to others to garner their appreciation, to garner their validation, to garner their respect or to fit in or to be loved? And if it's the other, right, which many of us do, we're seeking exterior validation because we don't know how to give it to ourselves. Do you often feel responsible for another person's feelings? We kind of talked about this and touched it on this quite a bit. But that is impossible. Like I you cannot remedy somebody else's emotions and remedy those in a way that's going to be effective for them. That is work that only they can do on their own. And that's true for you too.

So would you say that sometimes there's confusion there because you know, I think there's a lot of people listening that are, well, wait a minute then would I not be considered to be empathetic if I chose to, to not go that route? So what's the difference, say between empathy and what you just described? The question you just asked?

Yes. Empathy is, is the place of I am willing to walk with you, which means I don't know exactly how you feel, but I'm willing to support you on the journey. How can I help you? That's empathy being, taking it on, taking another person's feelings on is you believe that you're going to be able to remedy it because you know the way, you know better. No you don't. Because what is needed is going to be happening inside of the person. And you don't have access to that until.

Correct me if I'm wrong, I would. And I know this from personal experience. I would. My experience, you know, someone close to me struggled with addiction and we also have family members that struggle with mental health issues. Those are, I think, pretty slippery. Right. Would you say, I mean, to. With the person that's not challenged by that situation, you know, stepping over and trying to do what that question just asked. Trying to.

Oh, my goodness. So. So this is where you see the cross. Crossing of emotional boundaries all over the place. In my world, we call it codependency, we call it enabling. We call it many wonderful things like that. But at the heart of it, it's. It's the crisscrossing of emotional boundaries. I feel like I need to take this on myself. I need to fix you and love you enough that you're going to want to be sober or clean or present with me. And so I work my tail off in order to make that happen. And the person that's struggling is. Is doing just that. They're struggling, but there's no space for them to talk about what they need or what's working or what's not working. And there's usually a deep emotional driver that's pushing that behavior. There's a coping that's happening there so that they can continue to show up in life as normal as possible. And oft times, we don't get to the point where we talk about that coping underneath it all. And the person that's enabling is taking that on personally. I mean, I know that one where you think, oh, I've got enough love in the bank for the two of us. I'm going to save you. I'm going to make it right. I got this. I'm going to show you the way. I'm going to take you to the promised land. No, you're not. You're. You're crossing an emotional boundary there where they'll only see the promised land if they choose to do that on their own.

And let's not, believe me, we're not at all suggesting that is a. Again, I know for myself, that's a very delicate balance beam. I guess the best way I could describe that, you know, I mean, because you know, of the great love and care and concern we have for these people in our life and watching them struggle is.

Well, I think that's the hardest part about being in love, whether we're talking about lovers or kids, is recognizing and telling the truth about the reality of. There is a place where I End and you begin. And I'm not going to be able to do the work that you need to do for yourself. And we try. Oh boy, do we try. We try and do all of the heavy lifting for the person only to the exhaustion of both. And we have to recognize that crossing of that boundary is a reality that we have to accept. It doesn't have anything to do with your worth or your value or who you are as a person or what you would be willing to give and contribute. We recently just had a client say I would give my wife my heart if I could. If it would make a difference. It would help her see how much I love her. And unfortunately the wife getting to what we call the table of the relationship, that's work only she can do. And even though you're willing to give your heart and some try, right. She still has to meet you there. And your job is to get yourself there and to remain there as long as you can while she meets you there.

And the best version of yourself is. Is really the only thing. And the most important thing next one is do other people's feelings cause you.

I don't know. Hold on. I felt like we should have taken a pause right there for a minute. That was a whole lot.

Take a pause. Well said.

Yeah. No, then we'll go on to the next question.

Really. I mean it's kind of like we.

Dropped a bomb and then we ran out of the room.

Well, good, good, good, good. Reset there. That's. We just called, we just demonstrated a do over. We did, you know, you know what that did. Sorry, yeah, sorry ladies and gentlemen, take that back. You know. And again the best thing we can do, and it's not cliche or I guess I always say, or maybe it is because it's true, is just show up as the best version or simply show up not just or both as the best version of ourself and then that will be the catalyst to allow our loved ones from. For them to do the same well.

And to be able to navigate yourself with all of its ins and outs and believe me, for all of us that's a full time job. I'm not saying it's that simple. It sounds simple. But managing ourselves is the full time job. And if you're feeling emotional pain and discomfort, it's a message for you. And unfortunately unless you remedy it, the acts and support and voices of others were are not going to be the thing that remedies it for you. They all have great suggestions but oftentimes it's in the disclosing of it. It's in the sharing and the talking of it for yourself. It's in you being able to advocate and do some of these things that you do. And it's also in knowing where I need to say no or I don't have it to give and contribute into the relationship and that that's okay. And there's space for that as well. And I think. I think that's. I think that's a place where we probably need to wrap this up. I think that there's been enough here to get people thinking and to understand where I end and you begin emotionally. This is a big conversation, so you might need to listen to this episode a couple of times. I encourage you to download the sheet, take the boundary quiz, and again, it's something that that's going to take practice. This is a really slippery slope for us. And because we are dealing with the emotions, it is invisible, it is fluid, it is dynamic, and it can shape shift on us in a nanosecond. But as we learn to get more familiar with our emotions, what they are, being able to distinguish the distinctions in my emotional body just like I do in my physical body. That is meaning those distinctions of, I'm tired in my physical body. I'm thirsty, I need food, I need to poop. Like, I got 20 seconds and I'm going to be in trouble. Those are all distinctions of my physical body. It is not logical. I don't think about needing to take a nap and I close my eyes and there's this logic component that goes in, 10, 9, 8, 7. You know, I'm going to fall asleep. And our emotional body is just the same. It's speaking to us too, in distinctions of, oh, gosh, that hurt my feelings. Oh, that's not going to work for me. Oh, I need to say something here. Oh, man, why did I go along with that? I need to do something about that. That's not going to work for me. Or you know what? I'm so exhausted and overwhelmed, I just don't have it in the tank. I need to say no today. Those are all distinctions that we all deserve to become more in tune with inside of ourselves. And if we do, where I end and you begin starts to become a lot more clear. As long as I'm looking outside of myself to remedy the emotions that I feel inside of myself, where I and. And you begin emotionally will continue to elude me. And that's the conversation that we want to have and that we want to support you in Exploring for yourself. So, so get the quiz. I think it's going to really help you explore some of those.

And if you want to dive deeper once you, you know, make some, perhaps some unique discoveries, when you do take the quiz and you want some assistance, please reach out to us.

Yeah, yeah. Schedule that 15 minute clarity call and you're going to be talking to this handsome gentleman right here. So let's, let's just take a couple of big breaths. I'm going to take a drink and we're going to go. Cheers. And let's turn the corner for some fun here.

Always time for fun, for novelty, for play. Even when something, you know, so called heavy like this. And why do we include it in every single episode?

Because it's important to refuel our emotional bodies for sure. And today is a fun one. Well, they're always fun. According to me. I create these, dream these up. So of course they're always just delightful for me. It's kind of like my new little masterpiece each week. But allow me to tell you about this. I call it the big surprise. So let's create a surprise adventure for your person. Now here's how it's going to go. I want to invite you to get a pair of sunglasses from the dollar store and I want you to black them out with either some electrical tape or some duct tape, right? Yes. You black out tape over each.

So you have the glasses on but you can't see anything.

Exactly, exactly. That's cool. I'm going to take these sunglasses and I want you to wrap them up and put them in a box. Like make it like a gift. And then before the day of your adventure, I want you to plan a picnic. I want you to plan where you're going to go, the food you're going to have. Maybe make sure you take that little portable speaker with you. And you could even invite some friends and family to join you at a special destination if you wanted to. You know, the park or someplace that you enjoy going or hanging out. It's time for a little surprise. And this surprise, it's important, is for no reason whatsoever. What I'm describing here, we traditionally see it like surprise parties for birthdays, for Mother's Day, for Father's Day, for I, I want you to do this for any old day.

Just because.

Just because. And so as you put these glasses on, you, you put your special someone in the car, they have no idea where they're going.

So the special someone puts the glasses on.

Yes. So they have no idea where you're traveling to what's happening. You just. You know, you just hand them the gift and say, okay, put these on. Get in the car. Let's go. We've got some place to be. Make sure they have no idea where they're going. Right. Disorient the heck out of them. And then you're going to pop up at some fun place that's either close, you know, you can drive a few loops, you know, take a few extra turns, etc. It could be right around the corner, or it could be some kind of a place that's 30 or 40 minutes away, etc. Have some friends and family meet you there if you want to. The point is that we celebrate connection and we celebrate loving each other and being together. This is something that we all need a lot more of. And so, of course, when your person arrives, pops out of the car, you are the one that takes the glasses off. The rule is the glasses must remain until I pull them off, and then it's surprise. And here we are here for some connection, for some conversation.

Nice job.

And times together. Yeah. So you gonna do that this weekend for. For. For me?

No, you created. I want to report back how it worked. Hopefully you're taking me, like, an incredible winery in the Napa Valley. That's a little longer than 30 minutes, but I'd be okay with that. All right.

All right, all right. I love you, pumpkin. All right, so as we wrap up this episode, we have a song for every episode. And this song is. Is coined appropriately so it's fkj, which, if you're not familiar with fkj, I would encourage you to get familiar with F our favorites. We listen to him very frequently, and it stands for French kiwi juice. And I don't know where that comes from, but if I say that, you'll remember it now. And the song is called Explain to Me why there are Boundaries. And it's a beautiful song. And. And it really is this conversation of why is there boundaries? And I asked my teacher, and they couldn't tell me. And I asked my grandma, and she couldn't tell me either. What are these things we call boundaries? Again, a boundary is where I end and you begin. So thank you so much for being here with us in the love shack today. Again, just. Just an encouragement to download the quiz that's here in the show notes. Do an exploration of this very important place of where I end and you begin. It really is important when it comes to our relationships overall, and it really is right what breaks them down. So have some fun, do some exploration, gain some new understanding, and come on back next week and join us for another episode of Love Shack Live.

And remember to do your best to become a better lover every day. Have some fun while doing it, and commit to feeling good along the way.

For now.

See you soon. Okay, everybody, time to go. We gotta close the doors to the Love Shack for this week. You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here. Come back next week, though, and join us for another edition of Love Shack Live with Tom and Stacey Bartley.