#97: What To Do If You Have A Sexless Marriage (Don't Panic, There Are Options)

Are you going to give us more than you just need to have a date night?

Glass of water? You know, that's, that's the beginning of a great idea. But the end all be all to solving your sex problems is probably not going to be solved by going out and having a date conversation. That's usually how it rolls here. We, we talk about the things we need to talk about.

Hey, thanks for coming. Welcome to the love shack.

Hey, welcome to the love shack. This is a little old place where we get to get together challeng explore fresh frustrations. We can always put on juicy conversations and discover the things that really matter in our relationships while having a little bit of fun along the way. Welcome. This is episode number 97, finding yourself in a sexless marriage. Listen up, we got some good stuff for you. We're Tom and Stacy Bartley and we're the hosts of love Shack live. We also have a private body of work. Welcome. It's great to have you here with us. So I want to take you back in time just a little bit. Remember when you came together with that special someone that you have in your life?

Yes.

And do you remember when? Oh, I, I remember. You and I, we started long distance.

We did.

And the, the number one, the excitement of like arriving, like the arrival day was like the best day ever. It was like, oh my gosh, I can't wait to keep kiss you. I can't wait to hear you. I can't wait to touch you. I can't wait to spend time with you. Like. And there's so much buildup towards that moment for the six or eight weeks that we would be separated. You remember that?

Yes, very clearly.

And during those six or eight weeks, it was, it was painful. Almost like you can't think about anything else. You know, we're constantly talking in the middle of the night, we're texting constantly day in and day out and sharing. Okay, I love this. I want to take you there. Right? I want to do this with my gosh. I can't wait. I can't.

We say it's the first of everything. The first restaurant, the first experience, the first local park, the first drink, you know, it's. Everything is the first.

And the sex was incredible. Even though it was a little nerve wracking, you know, because we really didn't know each other's body very well or, or what worked or what didn't.

Our erogenous zones.

Yes, I'm keeping it.

I'm keeping it, you know?

Yeah. Appropriate. And that was scary. You Know, because you hope you get it right, you hope you do it right. You hope that, you know, you can really rock your lover's world. And, and then it's just ongoing, right? On average, couples have sex two to three times a week when they're first together. And it seems to be this magic carpet ride that we take. And then as we get together and the commitment happens and I moved from Utah to Sacramento and life starts to set in or kind of overtakes this romantic like imaginary fantasy place where it was like, oh, we're always thinking about what we're going to do next and where we're going to go and how we're going to set it up and how we're going to experience it. And then that starts to take place and, and is replaced by, okay, you know, who's going to pay the bills and what about the kids?

Well, we had, in all fairness, you can listen to some previous episodes. Life ferociously set in.

Well, our book, I talk all about it in our book.

Yes.

So you know, reality, but nevertheless, everybody's.

Life sets, comes in, if you will, lots to navigate for all of us.

It's kind of like when we move in and we start to co. Create a life together. The rubber meets the road there and all those things that we talked about creating and experiencing in our life that brought us together is now like needing to be manifested. Right? So we're going to buy a house, we're going to have some kids and I'm going to get a new job and we're going to move to such and such a place. And, and then all of a sudden there's this logistic piece that starts to take on and ironically, what ends up happening is our sex romantic life takes a huge backseat. And I want you to know, if this is your experience, of course you're not alone here. Like, our, our romantic life takes a huge backseat as we take on the realities of life. And then all of a sudden we find ourselves like, hey, wait a minute, I don't, I'm not happy here. This isn't working for me. And we don't know how to talk about it. Honestly, we don't know how to talk about it. And so what we tend to do, especially when we're new in a relationship, is we just withhold it. You know, we, we don't know how to talk about it, we don't know how to deal with it and we don't want to be a problem and we don't want to create a problem. So we sit on it, and then we sit on it a little longer and a little more, and. And then it becomes a little thing that turns into a big thing. And then the next thing you know, you know, we're. We're an unwilling. Well, it's not even an unwillingness, but it were unknowingly or. Or perpetuating the taking out my frustration and my pain out on the person that I love the most. And I just want you to know that that is so normal for all of us. As human beings. We have a tendency to think that we're in an exceptionally rare situation when our relationships are struggling or when all of a sudden the eroticism and the romance and. And the sex starts to wane in our relationships, that it's somehow unusual.

So for our listeners out there, then. So if. If you're. If you're not experiencing the romantic excitement and eroticism and sensuality that you have with your special someone, your husband, your wife, your significant other like you used to, then if I'm hearing you correctly, that this is. This is normal.

This is normal.

This is normal.

This is happening in all relationships. And the ones that. That make it, the ones that continue to have romance and an experience of passion and novelty in their relationships, it doesn't just happen. It. It happens because it's intentional, because it's a huge part of their focus. And sometimes that happens by acc. Romantic, you know, breathless love turns into compassionate love, just a common respect and love for each other. But more times than not, it actually flips on us. And I'm going to talk to you about that here in a bit, but I want you to know that, yes, absolutely, that. That journey, that pattern happens for all of us, and it even happened for Tom and I, right where we come together. It's the same incredible thing, you know. When can I see you again? I can't wait to make love to you. I can't wait to live with you. I can't wait to build our lives together. And then a whole bunch of circumstances with life and kids and money, et cetera, start showing up in our relationship. And then all of a sudden we're realizing that the passion and the romance that we once experienced starts to wane. And at that point in time, you know, reality sets in and circumstances start to take over. And it was only because I had studied relationships and I had studied human sexuality and I had a sense of, okay, if we don't do something proactively about this and intentionally about this, we're going to find our way. The journey of Most couples and relationships where we're going to look at each other five years down the road and go, I don't even know you, I don't understand you. I'm so upset. I'm so frustrated. Right. And all I know to do now at this point in time is push you away.

Well, and I would say that, you know, if you're, if you're in a place where like, gosh, is this is, is this all it is? Is this is the best work we have to look forward to, we're here to tell you that's absolutely not the case. And please don't buy into that. You know, it's almost seems to be a kind of a societal, you know, I don't know if it's, you know, done in jokingly or there's jokingly, but everyone, yeah, that's kind of, you know, you have this special day and then, you know, it kind of starts out good and just a slow decline, a slow burn from there. Like that's a heck of a story to buy into.

It really is. And it's, it's crazy how you know, as you commit and you start creating this life together, it goes from, you're my lover, I can't wait to spend my life with you. I promise to do everything I can to make you happy. And you're going to do the same for me too. Right. And then it's digresses to this place.

Of Dom, you got the old ball and gene at home, right. What the heck.

And that's okay. Yeah.

Right. Again, it's accepted. So again, we're gonna, we're here to blow that, you know, sky high, if you will. You know. So yes, understand that, yes. This is not a US based problem. This is a worldwide problem. Worldwide. So it doesn't, it's not country specific, it's the human experience specific.

So I want to, I want to help you understand why that's the case. Right. So let's, let's start with the understanding part and piece first. I've already mentioned that in the beginning it's very normal for couples to have sex two to three times a week. And the longer you're together, the less sex you're going to have. And for some of us, 15% of us, that sex is going to stop altogether. 15% of all committed couples haven't had sex in more than six months.

Ouch.

So just wrap your head around that for a minute. Okay. And not that sex is the end all, be all, but there are some critical elements that sex highlights number One, I don't feel safe with you emotionally. Number two, we don't feel a sense of emotional connection with each other. Number three, we don't take time to be together and to share sensuous moments. What's sensuous? Anything that stimulates our senses. And that's just a reminder for all of us. What are the senses? Sometimes we go, I don't even know. I mean, it sounds really juicy. I love that word sensuous. I do. But what are we talking about? Sight, sound, smell, touch, taste. That's the senses. And as human beings, we live through the senses. And when was the last time that you intentionally stroked your senses? Like put into an experience where you were intentionally designing something that would inspire and touch the human senses? That starts to highlight romance. That's what romance is. That's where it comes from.

Well, and I would say if you look at, you know, whether that's in the movies or whatever our stories are or whatever, I would assert I haven't used that word in a while. I would assert that those five senses and whatever you've watched or experienced or whatever were highly involved to. To render that experience, whether, again, it's in a movie or your own experience or whatever. Why? Because it's, it's. It's 100%. It works every time. Because that's how we're. That's how we're moved.

That's how we're wired.

That's how we're wired.

So the reality is 15 of committed couples, that's a really small number. Right? Think about 15 of anything. That is such a small slice of the pie when you think about 100%.

Well, we said we. Now, this is a different. This is a different 15 of the last 15 you mentioned, though.

Yes, this is the 15% that are actually keeping this part of their life alive. But it's only 15% of all committed couples who have 50% of the sex and the romance in their relationship. And when I see statistics like that, I go, okay, that's ridiculous. Because it's not that as human beings, we don't have the capacity to do this better. It's that we don't understand why we should and we don't understand how to go about it. So if you're finding yourself in a place where the romance and the sex in your relationship, in your committed relationship is waning, well, then we need to do something about it.

Are you going to give us more than you just need to have a date night?

Yes. You know, that's, that's the beginning of a great idea. But the end all be all to solving your sex problems is probably not going to be solved by going out and having a date night. In fact, when we do do that, oftentimes what happens is if we don't have some of the other components working for us, we end up fighting. Instead, we end up becoming more disappointed and more disillusioned and more frustrated than ever before. So date nights turn into fight nights and fight nights turn into don't touch me. And you know you're going to be lucky if you ever see sex again in our relationship. How dare you.

Right, So a lot more of the same and even either and even further denigration then.

Yeah. So let's talk about why this happens. Let's talk about a few things that I want you to be aware of. And then I'm going to give you the good news. I'm going to give you some things that you can start doing right now in your relationship to rekindle some of this romance and sex that has got to be brought back. The first thing you need to understand as part of the human condition is in my world of psychology, there's a little thing called entropy. And entropy means that we're always going to regress if I don't do something intentionally about it. Like if I just leave it up to the ethers of the world in which we live in and the universe the at large, I am going to regress in my relationship.

So said in a more calculated manner or statistical manner. Reversion to the mean.

Reversion to the mean and the mean.

We know, because you just shared those that would be like very, you know, after four years, you know, there's consistent, you know, decline in people's satisfaction. Everything that Stacy just shared, that would be the mean, right?

Well, and you just think about anything that you don't do consistently when it means something to you. If you don't calculate and keep an eye on your finances. What's the entropy? The entropy means you're going to find yourself in a situation, situation where probably you've spent more money than you realized. Okay, what's the entropy with physicality? You do nothing. You don't put any focus on it. You know, eventually the entropy is going to take you to a place where you might have some health challenges or some flexibility issues, or you gain some weight. And, and so you used to be able to move really well and now you, you hardly can move at all. Right? So, so entropy is part of the human experience. Experience. And if we do nothing, as I like to say, put, to push against something to challenge that narrative. We will digress to a mean, which means I'm going to continue to degrade until I can't take it anymore. And that's just the world in which we live in. So that's the first thing I want you to be aware of. Okay? 15 to 20% of our satisfaction wanes in our relationships overall after we've been together four years or less. That means once we're together and once we commit, we're going to do this relationship thing that my satisfaction in this relationship is going to entropy or regress 15 to 20%. Now to put that in perspective, just think about your money doing that, like your finances taking a 15 to 20% hit, like, ych, that's big. That's not. Okay, that's big. And that's about the point in time that our relationships turn from romantic excitement, magic carpet ride, to compassionate love, ideally. And in that compassionate love, we learn to respect each other and honor each other. But a lot of the romance and stuff starts to give way. The thing I want you to understand is that our romantic lives have enemies. And those enemies are a couple of things, babe. Do you remember what they are like? These are the mortal enemies of romantic.

I would say the, the typical strains and stresses on our lives, such as, you know, career, job, finances, you know, the typical things we all navigate. Yeah, the logical part of our lives.

Yeah, well said, logical. I'm going to break it down for you. Like this reality and obligation, they devastate romantic love like it is the enemy, the mortal enemies of that whole experience. So you think about when we come together and we start to build a life together after this wonderful moments, these wonderful moments of being romantic and in love, you know, and then reality sets in and reality is not romantic. And then because we're married or committed or a couple, there's a lot of obligation and we have a lot of expectations that sent in like, oh, you're supposed to do it like this, right? It's supposed to go down like that. And it's like we take away our permission and our opportunity to genuinely ask our partners for what it is we need. If we ask at all. We also take away any permission for them to freely choose. Right. Choose into us every day, choose into what it is we need, choose into contributing. And it turns into a control match, a manipulation match, a push pull match where you're supposed to do it like this. And I would say, says who? You. And so that appreciation that Respect that we commonly give to our neighbor and our friends soon evaporates. And I don't even give it to my lover. Because you're expected to do things that other people won't do for me. Why? Because you're my partner, you're my person. And so just think about that idea of obligation. It suffocates us. If we feel like we have to, and we should, then, right, the permission is gone, the safety starts to suffer, the, the push, pull, the criticism sets in. I also want to let you know, and I think this is such a great term, there is a, an interpretation problem. It's a cognitive bias that we have in our minds and life events go from, hey, no problem, I know you didn't mean to do this to what psychologist Albert Ellis calls devilizing. And I think that's such a great term exactly what happens. The facts don't change, but the way you interpret them does. And what I mean is you forgot to put the dishes in the dishwasher. Goes from, I understand, you simply got busy, babe, it's okay, you know, I'll do it, no big deal. To you know what? I understand now that you're a horrible person and you're hell bent on making my life horrible and miserable. How many times have I got to ask you to put the dishes in the dishwasher? Because when I come home, I shouldn't have to do anything. After all, I'm the breadwinner, right? After all, I'm doing all of this for you. And that is really important to see how that takes a turn in our relationships. We go from being understanding to some those same facts, the same events in the beginning, to knowing that you're intentionally doing this to create more pain, more frustration and more havoc in my life. And I'm sick of it.

How many clients have shared with you, shared with us that how I'm behaving, I'm turning into a person that I don't even, you know, can't even stand myself.

Yeah, absolutely. It said like, this relationship is turning me into a monster and I don't like who I'm becoming. And I hear that more often than I would like to admit, honestly. And it's because this entropy is taking place. We don't understand it. The romance and the ability to create it is gone, gone. We don't understand why. We just know somehow it's vaporized in the ethers of our relationships. And this low grade burn about the things that are not working for me that I sit on and I hold and I Wait. And I wait and I wait is now becoming a place where, I swear this has happened so many times. I know you're intentionally doing it. And we begin to devilize our partners. And instead of seeing them in the best light possible when we came together, we start seeing them as people who are here to thwart our lives and make us miserable because we feel miserable. Because I am hurting, because I'm in pain. I'm so frustrated, I can't get my needs met. And I don't know what to do about it. So it must be your fault. You're the only one besides me who's hanging around here. So I'm going to start blaming it on you and you're going to become the devil in the situation.

Just a tremendous confirmation. You hear us. If you've listened to us for any period of time, you hear us always share. We show up as good as we feel.

And we all have a movie that's playing, which is my own interpretation about the events that are playing out. And all of a sudden, your character traits that used to be, like, these incredible things to me, like, oh, Tom, you're so easygoing. I can't believe it. I just love how you're so laid back and can take everything on with a grain of salt. Turns into. Pull it together, for God's sakes. Right? Do something. Figure this out. Right? You're lazy. Get moving. This is driving me crazy. So those character traits that we valued and we loved in the beginning of times flip on us and become that thing I cannot stand anymore. What would be mine?

We don't have enough time.

That was a long pause.

No. Oh, you're so. You know. You know, honey, you just care for everyone and you're so loving whoever. Like, damn. You know, how about giving me some attention? You take care. And more concerned about everybody else than me, you know? How was that?

It was really good.

Because sometimes I'm told I can't be very mean towards you. Right.

About that.

I'm really grateful for that. As our daughter likes to say, it's too Disney. Like, yeah.

So I want you to understand and know I'm sharing this information with you because we don't so much fall out of love as more likely we get lazy. We're focused elsewhere. And we really don't understand how this all works. We don't understand the human condition. And we don't understand how relationships work, work. And we don't understand where that romance and passion goes when it just evaporates into what seems like the ethers of our lives and we don't know how to get it back. That's a lack of understanding how human relationships work. So today I want you to know that to renew our romantic sex lives, we don't need to wait for the right time. In fact, please don't. There won't be one. There is not one coming anytime soon. And if we sit around and wait for those magical feelings of love and desire to overtake us again, again, not going to happen. You're going to be waiting for a really long time. This is where we need to do something proactively and we need to do something deliberately. That is the way to bring that back. And if we don't do those things proactively and deliberately, we are absolutely going to become one of those couples. If we leave it to chance, you're going to be in the, you know, more than 75% of couples who have sex just slowly and slowly and slowly screech to a halt. And our relationships become more about coexisting and reality and obligation than it does about, oh my gosh, what we call toe tingling love. Like, oh my gosh, I'm so excited to see you. And oh my gosh, I've got this next little thing that we're going to do. And oh my gosh, you know, you're just the cutest little pumpkin eater ever. And if we let that happen, it's because we have just let that entropy take over our relationships and we don't understand why. So you have the power to do something about this. You have the power and the ability inside of you and inside of your relationship to turn this around. And I'm so confident because we're dealing with human beings. And regardless of where you might find yourself in your relationship right now, we know that if we play to the senses of a human being, then we all respond very similar. We want it. Those are the things we secretly long for, right? This passion and this idea of imagination and enjoyment and being desired. We act it out all the time. We just don't feel like we can ask for it. And so we have got to get deliberate about this. So I have some things that I'm going to give you now that you can do right now in your life to begin turning this in the direction that you, I know, desire it to go. Don't sit around and wait anymore, right? It's not going to go well. I absolutely know that. So in turning it around, let's rekindle our romantic love one step at a time, shall we? The first thing I want you to understand is slow is fast, meaning we don't have to beg, we don't have to plead, we don't have to criticize, we don't have to push, we don't have to control, we don't need to threaten. What we need to do to reignite, this is to invite. If you have somebody in your life who is saying, I just need you to be romantic, when are you going to learn how to be more romantic? That is a high sign that you need to get busy creating some moments that matter. Who needs to get romantic is you. You need to start planning some things in your relationship. If you're seeking romance, don't sit around and wait for your partner to figure it out. You create and set up some romance.

So lead with it.

Lead absolutely with it. Because banging on your partner to get more romantic is not going to work. I'm going to tell you that right now. More times, yes, statistically, it's women who are sitting around wanting to be aroused, wanting to be romanced, wanting to be sensuous and touched and talked to in certain ways. And we say, you need to get more romantic. And our men look at us like a deadpan look, like, don't even know what to do with that. Like, I thought I was romantic. And so they start buying us flowers, which we could care less about. Let's be honest, ladies, most of us, right, would much rather hear, I desire you. I love you. You're important to me. I. I want to hold you, I want to make you dinner. I want to pour you a glass of wine. I want to pull your hair, tickle your hair, brush your hair. I mean, we're looking for, you know, things that we hear and things that we physically experience that are gentle, that are sensuous, that are loving, that are tender.

So you're saying, though, if I'm hearing you correctly, though, as the lady, you know, if this is where the ladies, they're listening are feeling like they want, then you need to demonstrate that. Reach out and. And share with your husband, your partner, what that looks like, what that feels like.

Absolutely. Or they're never gonna know.

So what, what, what? How could they do that?

Here's what I'd like to do. Set up a wonderful evening. We're going to help you do that. So. Going to be through the senses and tell them you would love for them to stroke your hair or give you a foot rub or, you know, tell you that you're beautiful or. And it. And it's. And it's Please tell me I'm beautiful. It's not. You never tell me I'm beautiful. It's please tell me I'm beautiful. Right? And they'll go, oh, my gosh, you're so beautiful. I think I just said to Tom today, you know what? I think my Fanny from CrossFit's getting tighter. Does it look tighter? And he goes, of course it is, honey. And I said, you're just doing that because you want to get lucky. And he says, and I'm going to tell you all day long. And that's how it works. And by the way, people, that's flirting, right? Which I love what Esther Perel says about this. She says, you know what? Foreplay begins after the last orgasm. So it's something that's constantly in motion in your relationship. I think that's so well said, Right? Once orgasm happens, then we're going to pick right back up and we're going to start the foreplay and the flirting and the engaging and the. And the stimulating of the senses.

So this is not something we check the box and say, we're done.

Never. Not if you want to keep it alive and breathing and thriving in your relationship. It has to be an intentional focus. So again, number one, slow is fast. We can't push or criticize or belittle or force people into a romantic relationship with us. One of the beautiful things about romance is that we show up there not out of reality, not out of obligation, because it's someplace we want to be. And so there needs to be that safe permission place to just show up and explore what might be possible. So slow is fast. Number two, begin by focusing on the senses. I just said, hey, if you want more romance, then create it. And it's really simple. It's really easy. Human beings love this. It's how we live life. So, you know, you're on solid, principled ground. Bring in some beautiful music, Bring in some beautiful food. That's taste. Bring in a physical touch, a component. Bring in some of your favorite beverages, some of your favorite activities.

Also smell.

And smell. Wonderful smells. Honey, why don't you go ahead and tell the world what your favorite smell is?

It's lavender. And my children are laughing hilariously right now. And our daughter. Omg, I. I do. I love lavender. I can't help it. In fact, we. Stacy took me to this incredible place. Quick story, but it's relevant for my 60th birthday. We live not too far from the wine country. We love the wine country. Talk about all the senses. Come on. And we stayed in this small winery. I said, I'd love to. To be at a, like, a winery. And Stacy found this place for my 60th birthday. And I'll never forget the first night we got into the sheets and, oh, my God, it was just like we were enveloped in this lavender smell experience. They. They washed them or sprinkled it or whatever they did. Man, that was honorable. And it was. And we just were like. We were, like, giddy. We were literally. It's like a kitten with catnip. How about that?

It was, it was like, oh, my gosh, it smells so amazing. And sometimes we forget the smell part, right? We. We can overlook that.

So you can, you can get a little diffuser at Target and get some essential oils. You know, the whole thing can cost you, like, 20 bucks. You'd be amazed. Think about when you walk in somewhere, like a store or something, or even someone's house, you think, what, what is. I'm. I'm a real estate appraiser. What do they say about real estate agents? What do they advise you to do when you're having an open house? Do what? Put what in the oven? Put a turkey in the oven. Because when people walk into your house, they smell a turkey cooking, and the smell of turkey, it just automatically brings this association and, and sensuality around home and family and Thanksgiving. It works.

So visually. Beautiful places, right? Things that move us, right? Visually. This is why art, you know, is so enticing to us as human beings. And concert and music, because of the sounds, right? You put those two together, you've got an event, you've got entertainment.

Well, I would say. Is that not the genesis and the reason why every episode of our show always has things around fun and novelty.

Absolutely.

Because it's really, really, really important.

Really.

And it's the first thing that people. Ah, we don't need that anymore.

So once you've. You've created the sense, stimulation, like the five senses, bring it in, prepare a nice meal. You think about it, the recipe is always the same, whether we're talking about a restaurant or something at home in a beautiful environment. Right. The place is clean, there's some wonderful smells going on. You make a nice meal, you pour your favorite beverage, put on some nice music. You put on some nice music.

Some nice. Yeah, I mean, it's really not rocket science.

And you, you've stimulated the senses. Okay? And then here's the next part. Step three. Step three is the giving and receiving of pleasure with each other. Now this can start really, really Small. And I want to encourage you to practice the giving and receiving, because that's how good love happens. I give to you. But if you're only a giver, you know, that's going to get old. That's going to get tiresome. Because we all want to receive, and sometimes it's uncomfortable for us to receive. And so we need to practice both sides of this and to just receive and receive and receive and to never step in to be the giver. That's not going to go well either. Like, that doesn't work well in communication, and it certainly does not work well in lovemaking. And we have this problem with our brains. Okay, this is neuroscience research. We have this problem with our brains. When we are the giver or the receiver, we can find ourselves in our thinking as a spectator or a judger or an observer, what's going down. And this will derail our sex lives in the moment as well as our conversations in a heartbeat. Where if I'm criticizing and I'm judging, the way I'm saying something or the way somebody else is saying something, I'm really not listening. And if we're making love and I'm worried that it's taken too long, that, you know, it's not going to go well, or that you're probably not liking this, or I'm giving and you're. And I'm thinking to myself, oh, it's probably not working. They probably need something else. And I. And we're not talking, remember? This is a really difficult place for us to talk about. We're not going to talk about this. This is all going on in my head. And then all of a sudden, I don't want to have sex anymore. I'm not enjoying it anymore because I'm too busy observing, you know, as a bystander to the event instead of experiencing the event. And those are two very different places that we go in our minds. And so step three needs to be the practice, in simple ways, of that give and that receive so that you can practice getting out of your own head. So what you can be present in the moment.

What are some small, you know, some simple, easy examples of that?

Yeah, my favorite is I'll give you foot rub. You give me one.

Okay.

Or let's just kiss for. For a couple of minutes. You know, kiss the way you want to kiss. And then my turn. Or, you know, back rubs are great, right? Let me rub your back and you rub mine. And let's just practice the give and the receive. You can also practice this with some of our conversation cards and communication. Draw a card. I tell you what comes up for me when we ask the question, and then. Right, I let you answer the question. That's also a component of give and receive. Or I read a paragraph, you read a paragraph, anything where there's this give and take. And I get to practice being in the moment, present. And I put that critical, judgmental, bystander, observer part of my brain. I put it away. Because pleasure cannot happen outside of the moment. And so many sex issues happen because I don't know how to just be in the moment and receive and enjoy what's happening and playing out. Now. I'm too busy criticizing. I'm too busy thinking about other things. I'm too busy thinking about how long it's taking or. Or if it's working or what might be going on in your head because of it. And it's going to derail the whole experience. So in simple ways, we can practice this. Give, receive. We need both to be great lovers in all of its facets and capacities of being in a relationship with your special person. And the last one that I'm going to share with you in our conversation today is the imagination. Remember me telling you that the two mortal enemies of love and romance is reality and obligation. We need to step into our imagination, into fantasy, so that we can escape, that's literally our escape hatch, into another place, and we can go there together. And all it takes is a little novelty. Which is again, why we do the follow the fun after every conversation we have. Because we want to help you find that escape hatch that helps you transcend reality into the world of imagination. If it's just for a few moments. And the only way we can get there is through play and novelty in our imagination. So a simple kiss when you come home, right? Throw somebody up against the wall. That's imagination. Pull them into a closet, kiss them there. That's imagination. Put a note in their lunchbox, tell them you know how much you miss them and you long for him during the day. These are all things we call romance, but they're all also aspects of imagination. Role playing is a huge piece of keeping sex alive in our relationships. Why? Because we can go back to being kids again. And I say, hey, I want to pretend like I'm the teacher and you're going to be the student. And here's how I want to play this out. Okay, Marcus, go. You're looking at me funny. We all have these places of fantasy and imagination inside of ourselves. And if we will increase the emotional safety in our relationships. That's where magic happens, where we can explore, we can ask, we can imagine, and we can co create together. Not only in our day to day lives, but also in our romantic sex lives as well. So let's just recap that really quickly, okay? Slow is fast. We can't coerce or punish or criticize our person into having more sex with us. That is not going to work. That is going to go sideways on you and you're going to get less sex and less romance as a result. So we have to invite, we have to create, we have to set up, we have to be the proactive one. If this is something you're wanting to stimulate and create in your relationship, you're on really solid ground here. We all live life through our five senses, so set it up there intentionally. Beautiful music, candlelight, wonderful food, great beverage, wonderful smells.

And I would just add it mean obviously one or more of those is awesome if you can really get all five of them, you know, in working in sync, you're going to hit it out of the park.

You are absolutely going to hit it out of the park. Practice in small ways, especially if it's been a while since we've been romantic, since we've engaged in any kind of intimacy whatsoever. Practice in small ways that give and receive. And that's a place where you say, hey, I want to rub your feet. And then while you rub mine, or hey, I want to tell you how much I love about you. Will you do that for me? Not criticizing them, but just go right to the place where I. I want to create this moment. I want to create this experience for us. Practice that. That's what it takes to be good lovers in daytime life and nighttime life, if you know what I'm saying. And then don't hesitate to use the imagination. Switch it up, right? Use some play and novelty. Step into this place of imagination and fantasy. It will serve you both so well. And ironically, that's where we refuel our emotional bodies, I. E. We find meaning again in our relationships. We find meaning again in our lives. We find meaning in regards to what it is we're doing and why we're working so hard. It also reminds us that we care in our relationships, which are all very important things we want to remind ourselves of. So go and do this. And if you feel like you can't right now, if by chance you have been one of those who are so many of us been affected by some kind of sexual abuse or trauma in your experience and you say stays, Tom. I. I just. Just can't. I can't go there. Please get some help and support with that. There is no reason why you need to because of what's happened in your past. Tap out of creating moments that matter in your life going forward because of this. And it's more common than I would like to say. So if you or your partner is someone who has been affected by some kind of trauma or sexual abuse because we are so messed up as human beings when it comes to our sexuality and the ability to talk about it, share it, do it in healthy ways. We act it out. Remember what I said? We act it out. If by chance you've been affected, I'm so sorry. And please get some help and support because you don't want to miss out on these other places that are absolutely available to you, and it is 100% possible to heal it, regardless of what you've been through. So please get some help there. All right, so takeaways, as we summarize this, and then we'll step into our phone.

Wow. Takeaways is. Is similar to most everything that we teach and mentor and coaches that, you know, great intimacy and great sensual experiences with our husband, with our wife, with our partner, is not only for the chosen few. I would say the reason that Stacy and I have what we have, and I am blessed and grateful to affirm that and share that, is because of the commitment that we have for our relationship and all that it means to us and what we want to experience. So it doesn't happen by accident, but yet it's not. It's available for all of us if we understand what's at play and where we need to improve and step back in. So hopefully that's. It really is not as complicated as we like to think. Yes, it's going to take some commitment and some new behaviors and maybe make our armpits sweaty, as you know, we often say, but it's all good and look at the potential rewards.

So well said. I don't think I can add anything to that other than if you're needing help and support with this, don't wait. Right. Like we said, this is something that happens because we're intentional and we're proactive about it. Don't wait until your relationship is burning to the ground before you finally say, I guess we should get some help with us. Like, do it proactively. Do it on the front side. And if you're one of those wonderful people here in wedding season that are thinking about getting married, now would be a really good time, right, to learn about relationships, how they work, and to learn how it is you, too, for the rest of your lives, can keep the romance and the spark alive in your relationships. And that's what we do. We're here to help support that conversation and to support and mentor as many people as we possibly can by doing what it is we do in our relationships. You know, it's an ongoing practice, so we drink our own coffee here. So I'm going to invite you to take a breath and maybe grab a glass of water as you're listening to this podcast because we're going to take a hard left turn here and we're going to step in into a little bit of fun after, you know, a pretty intense conversation. That's usually how it rolls here. We, we talk about the things we need to talk about from the perspective of learning and understanding and skills and some of the difficult stuff. And then we always want to leave you with an opportunity to remind you, hey, regardless of what's playing out in your life right now, right, whatever challenges you may have or frustrations, we can always put those on the shelf and we can have a little bit of fun and novelty. We need to, because that's what refuels us for the journey ahead as we sort through and work through some of those challenges that we're facing. So our follow the fun today is I. I name it. May I have your attention, please? The warning here that I'm going to give you on the front side is that if you do this piece of follow the fun, you just might fall in love all over again. Like you're risking this. So just so you're aware, just so you know. And what I want to invite you to do this week is contribute 15 minutes of undivided attention to your lover every day for the next week. And how do I. How do I give them my undivided attention? Well, let's talk about what attention is first. I loved it when I looked up the meaning. Attention means I give my focus to something or someone that's important. And I just think, okay, I love that attention. May I have your attention, please? What I want you to focus on is not the pain and the frustration and the disappointment and all the ways you're not getting your needs met. What I want you to focus your attention on as it comes to your lover, your partner, is all the good things, all the things you remember loving about them and all the things that you see and maybe haven't seen in a bit that they're doing to contribute in all the characteristics and qualities that you love and admire about them. And then I want you to tell them about it. I want you to thank them for it. I want you to tell them that you appreciate that they earn the money for the house or always take care of the kids or the mills are always made and the house is always clean, or hey, I love it when you hold my hand, right? You hold me tight. Kiss me on my neck. I. I so appreciate that about you. I want you to look for all the good things because we spend so much of our time and attention looking and focusing on the things that are not working. And by the way, that's how we turn our partners into that devilizing piece that we talked about earlier. So focus your attention on the good things. And the Next, in that 15 minutes of undivided attention, I want you to give them a kiss. But this time, when you kiss them, I want you to get in touch with the emotion that is in your heart, which is why you're struggling, perhaps that I care. I care about you. I want this to go well. You matter to me. So when you kiss them, fill your heart with that emotion and close your eyes and kiss them for as long as they will allow you to. Right. Make it count. Tom sometimes will give me this, like, little. Okay, honey, bye. And I'm like.

You were reading my mind. Because yesterday, you know, I was dropping Stacy off at our local office here when we work with clients one on one that live here not too far from us. And yeah, we said, okay, you know, see you later a little. And they said, you know what? That, that wasn't good. That that didn't work. That didn't work. So, you know, we talk a lot about do overs and honestly, ladies and gentlemen, we don't just say that we do them all the time, you know, for many different things. You know, Stacy will come in, I'll maybe in my office, you know, and then, you know what? And like that didn't. What just transpired, that that didn't work. I want to do a duo. Are you.

Are you good?

Are you game? Yeah. Okay. And then we literally will reenact, recreate the moment again. Why can't you do that? It's not just play. Well, I guess it is, but it really does work. It will recreate the moment in a whole brand new manner. And yeah, she said that that actually didn't work. We got to do that one again. So I says, you're right, and we did it.

She's Rushing to his job. Oh, honey, come on, come on. No, no, I swear, we gotta do this.

Yeah.

So. All right, all right, all right. Fine.

Yeah. You know, and so it really does work.

So giving this undivided attention to your person for just 15 minutes a day will change the experience you're having in your relationship right now.

I mean, come on, think about. I always say, you know, the reason, you know, present is why it's wrapped up with a beautiful bow. But it's the most powerful thing we can do with any of the people in our circle, especially our loved ones, is to give them our undivided attention. It's the greatest gift any of us. And when you're the receiver of that, think about powerful, because it doesn't happen too often in our daily experience.

Now, let's be honest. You might have a partner that goes. Come on, come on, come on. You know. No, no, don't stop. It's okay. It's normal. When we have a little bit of resistance when we're doing something new. It's. It's odd. It's awkward.

Stacy just described. I mean, that was my. Oh, come on, honey.

Like, really, like, I gotta go.

You know, she'll say, no, take a pause, cool your jets and get over there and give me a kiss. Like you mean it. I mean, you're right. You know, and then I will say, you know what? My bad. You're right.

Okay.

I mean, we're talking like 10 seconds, ladies and gentlemen.

Not even.

Yeah. Five, three. I mean, come on. Even if you lay a big one, you know, it's maybe three, four seconds. A big, juicy kiss.

Exactly. So try it out. And if you're not on our fun list already, you should be. Get on our fun list. We invite you to do that. We give away things once a month, right? Well, we give away books and wonderful things.

I'm excited to share our song.

Me, too. Why don't you share it today? I typically do that, but you do it. I am excited, too. And by the way, this artist we are going to see in concert in San Francisco, I could not be more excited. This girl, this woman is talk about somebody who's very sexy and sensuous. And her movie is. Her movie. Her music. I saw. I apologize. Her music is wonderful music to make love to. So, of course, it's got to be one of the songs for our episode today.

Please listen. Or even better, watch and listen this video. And I'm telling you, if you're not sensuously stimulated, man, I. You know, it's Sabrina. Claud. Claudio.

Claudio.

Claudio. Stand still is the name of this song and we watched it and listen to it and it's just, it just rocks. I guess that's.

She says. And the reason why we chose this song for this episode is she says, I don't want to fight, you know, I just want you I want to feel you, I want you, I desire you I just don't want to fight anymore. And if we go there, then time really truly does stand still. It's a beautiful song and so I invite you to check it out and you can do that by visiting our website and clicking on the button that has the Love Shack playlist there for you. You can also search it on Spotify. It's a playlist on Spotify and there will be a song there for every single episode we have ever done.

And maybe use that, this week's song for the the part of the five sensuous moments that you're going to create because it will be. I can't imagine there's not too many incredible applications of them of this song if you want to stimulate the musical part of those senses.

Well, thank you so much for being here with us inside the Love Shack this week. It's been such a pleasure to be here and to talk about this very important conversation and share it with you. If you need to reach out to us, we would love that. If you have some questions or some comments about this episode or you have some conversations that you would like to see happen inside Love Shack Live, we would love to hear from you. And you can do that by going to our website@stacybartley.com we're Thomas Stacy Bartley, host of Love Shack Live. Special thank you to you for being here and sharing with us a little bit of your time today. Do your best to become a better lover every day, have some fun while doing it and commit to feeling good along the way. This is your life. This is your relationship. It deserves to get a little bit better. So until next time, bye bye for now.

Okay, everybody, time to go. We gotta close the doors to the Love Shack for this week. You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here. Come back next week though and join us for another edition of Love Shack Live with Tom and Stacy Bartley.