#98: The Truth About Marriage & Relationships in 2022

Absolutely inevitable that every relationship will get to a place of boredom. 100% boom, boom, boom.

Just in from the newsroom.

Hey, thanks for coming. Welcome to the Love Shack.

Love shack. Hi. Welcome to the Love Shack. The Love Shack is a little old place where we get to get together, explore fresh perspectives, eavesdrop on juicy conversations in an attempt to discover the things that really matter while having a little bit of fun along the way. This is episode number 98, and we are talking about the truth about marriage and relationships as it relates to 2022. If you've picked up my book, Marriage is Dead, A Divorce Mediator's Guide for Creating Long Lasting Love, you're going to understand that marriage and relationships has morphed and transformed, formed over and over and over again throughout the millennial.

Good to be here, ladies and gentlemen. And we are Tom and Stacy Bartley. If you don't know who we are. So, yes, episode 98. And we're going to be talking and actually answering some questions from our listeners. We're going to have our daughter, Brooke, who is our everything girl. She's our everything lady. But right at the moment, she's our producer for our show. She's going to be a voice from.

The dark, and she's going to be asking us some questions that come from our listeners around this topic. And maybe we ought to let Brooke say hello. Say hello, Brooke.

Hello, everybody.

There's the voice from the dark. From the abyss.

All right, so do you want to start with the first question?

Yes. Let's go. Fire away. Are you on the edge of your seat, babe?

I am.

Me too.

Okay, the first question is how has being married to each other changed your life? And the person who asked this would like both of you to answer.

Do you want to go first? Do you want me to.

You go first. There's a lot there, but we gotta keep it for.

Let's keep it tight. Keep it tight, Keep it tight. So if you know anything about my history, you know that it was a bit of a rodeo to get to a place where Tom and I were actually married. And I was terrified of married. I was extremely commitment phobic because I had been married twice before. And I knew that there's a point in time where navigating the changes that happen just in life, day to day life, it becomes much of a struggle. And so I would say that knowing that information, it became very, very helpful for me. When Tom and I came together, I felt like because of my failed previous marriages, I was more attuned to what it is that was required of me and relationships overall. And I feel like over the years, Tom and I have come to a place where we do a few things really well. And the first thing I would say is that we assume the best. Like, if Tom were to hurt my feelings or forget something or, you know, really kind of make a mess, I know now that it's. It's not because he's trying to thwart me or he's not trying to be a nemesis in my life, or it has nothing to do with whether he loves me or not, and that I assume that it's something that's happening inside of him, that there's some kind of a challenge or. Or emotional something that's going on inside of him that's causing him to do these things. And so that immediately triggers the next response. So I assume the best. And then I. I say, hey, you know, this. This hurt my feelings. You know, is there anything I can do to support you and help you along the way? You seem like you're really struggling, and this gives him the opportunity to truly ask for what it is he wants and what. Now that we've been together for more than a decade, babe, I feel like we get more and more attuned to each other in regards to what. What we do need, and as well as we give each other the space to really look and ask for what it is we truly want. And so it's put us in this place where we can navigate challenges and conflict extremely fast. Something can happen, and we can navigate through it very, very quickly because we have basically those two primary things going for us. And the third, I would add, is that when things kind of tend to flatline, and they do in every relationships, that's very normal. I would say that we understand that it's not about you or me. You know, you and me are not responsible for it. That indeed, it's a piece of life. Anything is going to flatline or become messy over time. It's called entropy. We talked about it in our last podcast, and knowing that gives us a tremendous amount of peace. It's not me banging on Tom or vice versa. About, you need to be more romantic. You know, you need to pull it together. You know, I'm miserable, so it's got to be your fault. I call it the fart in the room, right? It's like, I. I know I'm doing my best in this relationship, and I'm really, really working hard, and it's just you and me in this relationship, then if it's not me. It's gotta be you. And we take all of that off the table and just say, hey, we're flatlining. It's time for us to get out and have some fun. We gotta switch it up a little bit. And we are very much in agreement about when those places happen, either together at the same time or independently. Me or Tom will go, okay, if you're feeling that way, then it's time to switch it up. Let's go.

Let's.

Let's do this thing. And so I would say that for me, those are aspects about our relationship that I cherish and that I focus on and that I work on every single day.

Very nice.

Thank you.

That's not the easiest to follow, ladies and gentlemen, as you can appreciate. How has it changed my life? Wow. In so many ways. But firstly, it's a relationship that really inspires me to show up the best version of myself every day. You know, bring my A game every day. I always say, Stacy offered the lease option contract for love. That's our trademark. Incredible framework and process to come together or to see if you want to stay or go. It works great in both places of the relationship journey. But when we came together, for those of you that know or may not know or heard us or not heard us, second or third conversation we ever had over the phone, because Stacy and I started 600 miles apart. So just want you to know, I never have any intentions of getting married again. I said, you know, I paused and said, you know, okay, I'm not viewing that as a deal breaker because right out of the gate, we had an agreement. Everything is on the table to. To speak about. So my point there is, you know, Stacy said, I don't want you to. I don't want us. I don't want you to ever feel like you're here because you have to be here. Obligation is off the table. And. And so the opposite of that would. To bring your A game every day again is as great of a. Excuse me, Let me rephrase that. So as hard as it is for me to think that I would ever not be with this wonderful woman for the rest of my life, there's even us don't have any guarantees other than today. So. And I say that with all sincerity because I want us to both bring our very best game, very best version of ourself to this relationship every day. That's how we have whatever you feel we have. That's how we have what we have. So I've never, you know, don't have too many other relationships to compare it against. But I am grateful and blessed to truly want to do. It's not a burden. It's not a. You know, it's not a heaviness to it. It's a. It's a get to. Stacy always likes to say it's. It's something I get to do because I want to do it, so. And I would say second would be truly to be able to understand and know and to be able to practice leveraging with your partner. You know, not off, you know, not taking advantage of, not manipulating, but truly leveraging. One plus one equals more than two. I don't think any of us can be more completed than we already are. But I do think the right set of ingredients, so to speak, with the right humans involved, can inspire and stimulate us and encourage us to bring our best version of ourselves every day. Well, that's different than completing us. So I would say that that's number two, and number three would be the incredible blessing to do this work and inspire and teach and mentor others together as a couple as we navigate life just like everybody else, we drink our own coffee. We have lots of moving parts, lots of ups and downs, and, you know, really move the needle. Because what is hard for Stacy and I to see is all the pain out there where that doesn't necessarily have to be. Yes, there's pain, but what do we do with it and how we can become better and learn from it?

I. I like that. You did. You did awesome. I'm sweating there, and I. I'm gonna add this.

Oh, you're gonna add another?

Can I add one more?

We should ask our producer.

I know. I'm gonna just add one more because. Because I'm in charge. I think there's a consistent pursuit of happiness and joy. And even though we might be going through a really difficult time, we double down and say, okay, how can we turn this into something that's good? And we. We collectively fight for that. You know, if there was anything that we fight for, it would be for that. How can we get quickly through the conflict and the upset and get back to feeling a measure of joy and happiness? And we're not afraid to be silly, and we're not afraid to do something out of the box. In fact, we're constantly looking for those kinds of things, and we want to share them with you. Right. We want to inspire you to do the same, because we know the impact that it has on our personal relationship, that our greatest risk in a relationship is that we flatline we run out of emotional gas. And so when we can put our problems on the shelves for a minute and refuel by having a little bit of fun, and that takes nothing more than just shaking it up a little bit, it makes a tremendous amount of difference. So I want you to know that not only do we share that on every single podcast we do, but that it is a huge part of our personal relationship as well. Like, we're always looking for ways to pursue that shakeup, you know, so that we can refuel and we can bring our. We do have and provide that ability to bring our best selves to the table as much as possible every day. So. So I. I would say that's what makes our relationship incredible most of the time. I don't want to paint a false picture.

Yeah.

All right.

Are we ready for the next question?

Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. We're ready for the next one. Let's go produce.

Okay. The next one is you published your book this past April that you mentioned at the beginning of the show feeling like your marriage is dead. So tell us how you feel. You know, give us a summary answer of how you feel. Marriage has changed since the beginning of time. How is it different now in 2022?

So I'm going to leave it up to my book to give you the millennia look back, if you don't have it already. I would encourage you to explore that because it really challenges a lot of the belief, beliefs that we hold near and dear at this point in time. And right now, since the pandemic, it's had a huge interplay in regards to our relationships. It is morphing right before our eyes. The idea of marriage, the idea of commitment, the idea of monogamy is on the table for discussion, and it's changing right before our eyes. Now, if I had to guess, there's some listeners right now that are getting a little sweaty with this conversation. And I want you to know, and I reassure you, that traditional monogamy and the way that it's been done in traditional marriage is not a bad thing, and it's not going away. However, there is going to be a high percentage of the population that is going to morph these very traditional ideas about marriage. And it's. It's happening right now before our eyes. And I think this is important for us to talk about because we're looking for places of exploration and expression, and there's never been a time in history prior to right now where the majority of our needs, that means shelter, food, safety, et cetera, has been taken care of. And now as human beings, we're starting to look for these deeper, broader, more free aspects of how do we do love and relationships. And so because of that, the pandemic has brought us face to face with life and death. It's been face to face with mortality, peace. And that always, whether it's the pandemic or some kind of a natural disaster or some kind of a personal health challenge, anything that brings us as human beings to a place where we're contemplating, you know, the end of our life, and we realize it's not forever. This is the moment directly after that that we make big, bold changes in regards to our lives. And so this is a time where we might end relationships. This is also a time where we might say, I'm going to open my marriage and my relationship and I'm going to explore polyamory. I'm going to explore some of these things that I've been thinking about or aware of, and I want to try them on now. It's also times where we're going to take that epic trip for a lifetime. It's times we're going to get married, perhaps because we've been putting it off. We're going to have that child, we're going to buy that house. We're going to do these significant things that for one reason or another, we have been stopping ourselves in the conversation from. And, and this is the time that we're in. So we're rewriting the way we do marriage. We're rewriting the way that we do love and intimacy and sexual. And we're. We're wanting to expand in that department, which is a really great thing.

And I would just add to my sense, you know, we all heard about the, you know, back when we were all quarantined. My sense would be that, you know, we're all around our family and close ones more than we ever have, and our typical coping mechanisms weren't there. They weren't allowed. So I would. I would assert, you know, haven't used that word in a while. Just different. The newsroom love that word. Every time I love that word, it makes me think of a wonderful Unity minister that used it very effectively. But not to digress, I bet that some of us would say, man, I don't have any gosh darn skills because we're like, at each other's throat because we're in a much closer proximity for extended periods of time. And like I said, you know, we couldn't shoot off to go walk down to the Mart or, you know, whatever we did in our ways to cope and kind of keep it looking good on the outside, you know, so also, which would be the genesis to make these decisions that we've been holding off. But more importantly, you know, you know, if you've listened to Stacey and I for any period of time, we're all about great. Relationships are not just for the chosen few. They are available for all of us as long as we are aware of what is required. We're not just born lovers. That's the story we've all seemed to bite on and accept it. And that's simply not true. No different than we're not all born masters of our craft. It's the people that devote time and an investment into becoming better become masters of their craft. Same with love. As, as interesting as that may sound, or you may think I've lost my mind, it's, it's, it's just the truth. It's a skill based journey. It really is.

It absolutely is. And I would say also we've gone online and we're not going to stop technology. But I also want to impress upon you the importance of face to face conversations. And that's important, that's really important to remember that nothing replaces face to face interaction. Even though we can do it over Zoom or on FaceTime, etc. There's new and better places always that are evolving to help us connect and to help us have those conversations. And I'm personally so grateful for that. But nothing replaces that face to face, one on one time with our special someone. And so we've got to remember that's an important piece to keep present and to maintain in our relationships. And then let's, let's talk about promises and commitments for a minute because, you know, we all are familiar with the way that we step to the altar and say I do. It's kind of like this idea of, listen, here's the deal. I'm going to forsake everything that I am and make you happy. I'm going to put everything I can and pour everything I know into making you happy. And you're going to do the same for me, right? And then that's going to create this aspect of happiness that we're going to experience on our relationship. And I, with all my love and my heart, I need you to know that that's exactly where relationships start to break down right there. That there is not a place where you can sacrifice yourself for somebody else and expect them to do the same and expect this whole thing to go well and. And indeed, the greatest gift we can bring to a relationship is the knowing of oneself, the understanding of oneself, and the ability to regulate that with what I call an emotional pushup. Now we have a chance of being able to navigate through anything that might happen or might come up. And so the vows themselves put us in an idea of relationship that just simply does not work any longer. And the reason this is, is in historic past relationships were not about love. They were not about any of that. They were about wealth, they were about survival. And because these are what they were about, the obligation was necessary to keep everybody safe. And now when we talk about relationships being for the love or the romance of it, for the pleasure of it, the obligation is now the greatest enemy to romantic love. It is the thing that suffocates it. So there is the opportunity to experience things that previous generations have not even had the opportunity to touch. But it is going to require more of us. It is going to require more skill and understanding of ourselves to experience and to obtain, attain it. And I tell you, it's worth the journey. But we can't have better love without being able to be introspective with inside of ourselves. Those two things absolutely must go together. And as I've already said, how we tend to approach this conversation is from very much the. The old fart in the room, right? I know, I'm doing everything I know to do. So if you don't pull it together, this thing's going to fall apart and I'm going to blame you for it. And, and that's not a good approach to navigate ourselves through conflict and through the change. The other thing I want to point out about vows and agreements is that you can change agreements when there's something in your relationship that's not working. We can change those, but you probably are not going to be able to change the person. And I would encourage you to focus on changing the agreements, which is why we have a lease option contract for love. We can change that agreement to be more malleable as we evolve as individuals and human beings over time. But we can't insist that the person change. That's not going to go well. That usually ends up into a game of manipulation and belittlement and criticism, etc. So vows are important and we can change them. They need to be malleable. They cannot be set in stone. And so marriage vows are very, very much challenged right now in 2022 and forward, because we recognize and realize this in some part of our being, being we know that. Hey, when I stepped to the altar, and this is why I was so commitment phobic for so long, and I said to Tom, there's no way I'm ever getting married, it was a commitment that terrified me to a certain set of vows or promises that we were going to make to each other. It was the knowing after two veiled marriages that things are going to change and morph over time. And what I don't know how to do is how to navigate that.

And I would, I would bet that that's. As we walk, all of us have walked down, you know, the aisle or the ceremony or whatever it is that we're, you know, you're choosing to publicly declare in front of your friends and family, loved ones, you know, as we walking down in the clash, you know, I mean, with all of the narrative around that until perhaps now, as it slowly starts to change, like, how the heck am I supposed to know for sure that this is going to last for the rest of my life? I mean, that is a heck of a thing to be taking on. I mean, in all fairness for any of us, like, how the heck are we absolutely sure?

And I want to point out what's normal is we don't know for sure.

So it's no wonder we, you know. Yeah. How many times you hear about, you know, people are, you know, just a nervous wreck inside. Even though they're trying to look like, you know, happy as. As they could be on the outside. They're like, oh my gosh, am I doing the right thing?

And I want you to know that pretty much 99.9% of all human beings as they're walking down the aisle, have that thought happening inside of their heads. And the people that are there to support them are having that thought inside of their heads. Geez, I hope this goes well.

Right.

Guess what? No one's saying no way, no way.

We would never say that. Right. We don't want to jinx it. We don't want to, you know, be the person that's the downer, you know, the naysayer, etc, and then there's always some person in the family that's going to be that person, you know, and you're trying to shut them up and duct tape their mouth, etc, so, you know, I just want you to know that that's so normal. That's so normal as an experience as we're walking down the aisle. I remember the day that you and I got married. Do you remember that day? Do you remember how we started out Our wedding ceremony. We were totally late for our own wedding.

Yes.

Why?

Well, we'll keep it podcast friendly, but we took a bath together.

Yes. There was this moment where I wanted to.

Brooke has just put her hands over her.

Yes. We wanted to be completely disclosed. And it was like this conversation of, do you really want to do this? I mean, here we have our guests waiting downstairs.

We had a very small, intimate wedding. Was our family. And we got married in our house.

We did. Yeah. In the. In the big bathtub, you know, drinking a bottle of champagne, saying, are you really ready? And. And fully disclosed and. And wanting to not withhold anything from each other.

That was a very. It was a very intimate experience. It was. It was. It was. We said, this should be part of everybody's onboarding. Onboarding of the day of the wedding.

How about that?

Well. Well, it's just this moment where you go, okay, we don't know how this is going to go. And I fully disclose myself to you in this moment. So if you're still on board, you good? I'm good. Let's go. Let's see where this takes us. And I think that's the whole point of the experience of sharing it.

How do you. Or do you see marriage evolving and changing even more than it already has in the future?

Oh, boy.

I do.

Buckle your seatbelt.

I do. I think there's a whole nother layer of, like, permission and freedom and safety that we're seeking as human beings. And if anything, the pandemic, you know, made us feel like we were stuck and suffocated and we're caged. And I think our politics also are causing us to feel.

I think it's the convergence of those two things is like, just put this whole thing on, like gasoline on a fire.

So, society, I would like to interrupt you for a second. I think a good conversation that we could have about this that also answers this question. I saw a clip from Esther Perel on Tik Tok today that said relationships are a constant balancing act between freedom and commitment.

Oh.

Which I think is what you just said. And so how. How do you have. You have both of those? How can you have both of those?

Well, that's spot on. We love Esther Perel. She's awesome.

She is awesome. If anybody knows how to get in touch with her, I'd love to have her on our show. Anyways, total side note, she's. She's wonderful, and she's been doing this a long time. And anyway, there. It's a constant balancing act. And I want to paint a realistic picture. We're never going to get this to a place where we can set it and forget it. This idea between commitment and freedom is an ongoing conversation that will continue to evolve. And this will be the piece that revolutionizes our. Our idea of monogamy and marriage overall.

And I think it's my experience would be it's. It's coming at us so fast and furious right now between that balancing act than we've ever experienced before. So this is why we can't bolt our. Bolts ourselves to some type of a framework or process like the traditional idea of marriage. I think it's almost doomed to, you know, it's an oxymoron. It's never, you know, you're bolting up to something that is so. Again, no disrespect to any, but we've got to step into what's happening right now. I guess would be the best way that I could say that.

Well, for some, I mean, for those of those couples that are really dedicated to traditional marriage and monogamy, et cetera, please do so. This is not a threat to that Institution. Institution whatsoever. And there are many, many couples who are in a place where they're wanting to explore something different. And I just want to give a couple of examples here.

Good idea.

Would that be a good idea? I have a. I have a couple right now that have two children.

We always speak generically. Don. Everybody's privacy we're big on.

And they're struggling with. With their relationship and marriage. The tremendous amount of difficulty and frustration and upset that they're both individually experiences for different reasons. And it's kind of that idea of, gosh, if you just pull yourself together, this whole thing would work out. And what I've encouraged them to do is to live in the house and pretend like they're not married anymore. So, like, if you were friends or you were used to be lovers raising your children, how would you treat each other differently? What would you appreciate? And how would you show up differently? And let's just try that on before we do anything else. And there's many, many couples in marriages, for example, that have done monogamy for many years, and they're saying, okay, together. This is the monogamy part. Let's go and explore what it might be like to write, do something different together. And this is where that conversation of polyamory, or for us that are older, would be like the swinging conversation. Now, I'm not advocating anything. All I'm saying is that there are conversations Opening up about how do we do this together and still honor our promise and our commitment to each other and maybe explore some things outside of this relationship as it has traditionally been.

So walking that line that Brooke shared, that she saw Esther Perel sharing today, you know what would be your best? How do, how do we walk this? I would say something that balance beam is not possible through those two paradigms right now.

Yes, they are. It is absolutely possible because we enjoy the aspect of safety and commitment and companionship with each other. But that is not eroticism. Eroticism happens when I don't know how it's going to go. It's unusual, it's exciting, it's thrilling. And this is why novelty and play in our relationships is so important. If we don't have it, then we essentially remove all of the eroticism, the excitement that I don't know what's going to happen. Aspect respect, right. And so it's, it's constantly this oxymoron, which is a principled principle called polarity or contrast. And in our relationships, we discount this and we insist that things be the same and that they go into this homeostasis or balanced state. And as much as we think that's what we want, that's not what we want. We want it to a certain point. But then I become bored and then, okay, what else is there? Okay, there's got to be. I'm unfulfilled, I'm frustrated, I'm bored.

Okay, so I have another question that I'm sure our listeners are having as they're hearing you say this. So is it inevitable for every single marriage to get to the point where there's boredom?

Like, yes.

Okay, say it again.

What do we do about that?

And what do we do about that?

And when you get to a place of boredom, it's its wake up call to say, hey, it's time to shake it up. We've got to do something different.

Now let me ask you, so would you say that in, in the couples that we've been, you know, that we've worked with, that come in with issues, is boredom a big driver? Say they're on the brink of not sure if they're going to make it or not, would you say that's a major impetus as to why they're there?

Yes. And is it is usually something that happened years prior? On average, it takes the average couple six years to get help.

Six years.

Six years. And so it starts out as boredom and frustration, not getting my emotional or sexual needs met. And then it morphs into now that I'm frustrated and angry, I'm now picking you apart. And there's this piece called entropy that starts to set in, meaning anything that I don't continuously focus and spend time on, whether that's brushing my teeth or cleaning the house or taking out the trash or working out my physical body, it by nature principally will atrophy. And so that's what happens to our relationships. The more frustrated I become, the more bored I become, the more I pull out in this relationship and I start looking for something else to fulfill that need. Whether that's scrolling social media. And by the way, that's a problem we have right now, not because social media.

Okay, so I have another question. If the actual fact of being married has nothing to do with whether or not you're going to reach the boredom state, you could be unmarried for 10 years. You know, you could, you could be the couple that said, oh no, we're never going to get married, but you're, it's, it's a fact that you're still going to reach the boredom state. Then what's the answer? Like it doesn't matter if you're married or not. It doesn't matter if how committed you say you're not, but you actually are. Like, is it, do we just have to accept the fact that we're going to be bored and find solutions for that? Is that the answer?

Yes, that commitment and companionship are wonderful, but they're just one side of the experience of being in a relationship. And there's this whole other side that we all long for and desire, which is the eroticism and the excitement and the pleasure play and the novelty. And that's what refuels us. It's like the difference between night and day. I need both. One is not superior or inferior to the other, but they're all part of the equation and we don't talk about this enough. Right. And so a lot of people make up a lot of sad stories about why their relationship is flatlining simply because we don't understand how to refuel ourselves.

And would you say that. Okay, I understand for. So let me just see. So I understand what you just said. So is it possible to bring that those components of what we feel we're missing into the relationship we have versus don't most people think that it's not possible where they're at? That's why they go elsewhere.

Yes, yes. And also I would like to remind the people who are in long term relationships, whether or not they believe that they're healthy. Take a moment, if you can, and talk to someone who's chronically single and ask them how fun it is to be in the constantly dating part. They would die to be in a boring, healthy relationship because they're exhausted from constantly dating and seeing new people. So it just goes to show that polarity is so true and so real. And because we both want what the other one has, the grass is always greener. But for the people who are in their long term, you know, steady but boring relationships, they forget to remember how lucky they are that they don't have to constantly be putting themselves out there and going on first dates and saying how great you are. And it's like constantly having to rewrite your resume and, you know, make yourself sound like the most amazing person on the planet. I know, it's exhausting because I have friends who are in that spot and they just want what we have. And they're like, God, why can't I have that? So just. I think that's helpful to remember that sometimes, you know, absolutely well.

And I, I would add, that's why we seek the being single part, because we are so sick of the homeostasis, you know, day in, day out. I know how this is going to go. I want to shuffle it up a bit. So just understand that's where it's coming from. And you don't have to leave your current relationship to have that. I think that's the thing I really, really want to drill on here, is that you can create that in the relationship that you are. And then there's whole new versions of the person that you've been together with. You know, one decade, two decades, three decades, that emerges. What stops us is the idea that we can't go there and we can't explore those things. We stop ourselves. It's not that it's not possible. It's just that our thinking, right, our. Our silly contraption on top of our shoulders tells us we can't go there.

Well, and I would say you like to say, babe, many times we want the circumstances to change, but I don't want to change.

Right.

I can tell you that that's not possible.

Exactly.

So if you want what we're talking about and we're suggesting that's possible, then absolutely. Like, we don't say guarantee too often, but I can guarantee you you cannot be the same person you are now. That's for sure.

Either one of you.

Either one of you.

Yeah. It has to change. And there's a fun way to do that as Crazy as that sounds, it doesn't have to be this.

Oh, gosh, it's not like going to the dentist for a root canal, which most people kind of take on when they have to go see people like us to help them become better. There's this, the Jaws music. Done, done, done. You know, it's like the last thing. Like, what else do you have for me, really? I gotta go sit someone on someone's smelly couch. By the way, if you're in a local area, Stacy's couch does not smell because I've sat on it myself. And if you're online, you don't even have to sit on. You can sit on your own couch. And if that smells them, that's an issue you got to take care of. But anyway, let's just have a little fun. But that's what conjures up for people. The only alternative is I got to go sit on somebody's couch or whatever and talk about my problems. And many times I talked about people all the time on the phone. They feel like they've been ganged upon.

Hey, and I'm just going to say this. If you were to add a little more fun, and I mean, take us up on our Follow the fun. We're going to do one here in just a minute. You know, it's going to stretch you. It's going to make your armpits sweat. But if you would do that, if you would focus on increasing the eroticism and the novelty in your relationship. It's funny. It gives so much new life to our relationship.

I have a guarantee right now. I just thought of it. You said that if you go and do all of the Follow the funds on the past 97 episodes on our podcast, it would be all complimentary and would change you and your relationship's life, guaranteed. Thank you so much. Our. Our contribution to you and your relationship. Just do all 97 of them and report back to us.

Yes. And it does take care of boredom and homeostasis like this. This is an idea that we've got to really kind of grapple with because we don't necessarily want things to be the same. We want things to be the same and we want to have opportunity to shuffle the deck a little bit, to shuffle it up right. A little bit. And we can do both our. In our relationships, you know, whether we're pursuing.

And let me ask you a question. So why is it that. Okay, so. Okay, you know what? You're right. Look. Being fully transparent and looking, you know, doing that self analysis, you're right. I, I, I would think it would be easier for me to go outside of my relationship than tend to read, tend to transform my current one. Why do most of us feel that way? Is it what else comes up? I, I'm looking for the answer. You always tell us the most amount of what is, what are we most are of afraid of with the people that are closest to us. You always say that's the greatest amount of risk.

Right, Right.

Yeah.

Why don't you just go ahead and give the answer, honey? Because I can tell that you're looking for me to queue off of and I'm trying my best, but maybe.

Well, I was just gonna say so is that why we will typically go outside of our current relationship too? Because there's less risk there?

Yes, there's less risk risk there, but there's also more risk there. And that's kind of what creates eroticism, you know, so, you know, sometimes I want it to be risky. In fact, there are people on the planet and a high percentage of them that in regardless of the agreements we've made, they're like little adolescent rebels and they're going to go out and break them because that for them is what eroticism is. They can't help themselves. Right? And, and we have to all identify what that is for us. But I can assure you we don't have to have affairs and we don't have to do that in order to have some play and novelty and some fun in our relationships and to see and understand sides of our partner and ourselves, quite frankly, that have never been present before. But we have to stop stopping ourselves to go there. And there's a whole head trip that's going to happen. You know, there's a whole conversation in your head about how silly that is and how I shouldn't have to do that, and that's ridiculous. And then when we try it, when we really allow ourselves to just go, okay, well, I'm just going to give it a whirl. It's like so life giving. I have these conversations all the time in my office because I'm, I'm consistently pushing clients to step into some of these places that quite frankly are uncomfortable. But you don't know what you don't know as a human being. And once you step in and realize the gift that novelty is, that helps us offset that polarity piece that we're talking about. There is a place we want safety and commitment and surety and consistency. And then there's a whole nother side of us as A human being where we want to be surprised. We want to be exhilarated. We don't want to know what the end is going to be. Otherwise, we wouldn't like sporting events. We wouldn't like, you know, mysteries. We wouldn't like, you know, knowing the ending before the movie starts. We don't like that. We want to shuffle it up. We want to be surprised. We want to have some of that. And that contributes a tremendous amount to our relationship where we're constantly discovering new aspects of ourselves and our partner. Did we do.

I mean, that was a lot to. That was a lot to take in. But I think that conversation is important because just knowing that it's inevitable that your relationship is going to get to the boredom phase, just people can breathe a sigh of relief and know that they're not doing anything wrong. You know, like, there's nothing wrong with them. It's just the natural course that happens no matter what you do. You know, I feel like I should answer this question. I feel like you don't really know that much about these things, but I'll give it to you.

I think she's talking about something we don't dance with. I know where she's going. She's gonna ask the same social media question that she just smacked us down about.

Oh, okay.

Oh, sure.

Impacted relationships and also reality tv. And you guys don't watch reality tv. And I'm mostly the one on social media. So I'm gonna give my two cents first. And then you give your. And then you give your answer.

Producer take number one, ladies and gentlemen, Number one.

I think that it's not natural for us to be so connected with each other at all times. You know, like, social media makes it so that we're always in contact with each other, and that's not how it's supposed to be. We're supposed to have some breaks from constantly seeing other people interact. And, you know, social media just shows the highlight reel, so it automatically makes you feel bad about your own relationship because these other people, these other couples look so happy. And dad and mom, too, and I and me, we can all three tell you that that is not true. Every relationship is not as happy as it appears on social media. That's number one. Number two is that, you know, the DMS and sliding into the DMs, and all of these things have made it much easier for you to engage in emotional affairs and connect with people that you wouldn't have normally connected with because they're available to you on social media. What do you think?

Yeah, well, that's the thing. We can cheat and be laying right next to our partner in bed or sitting on the couch together. And that's a huge part of what social media has brought into our world, into our lives. And it's not going to stop anytime soon. And I would encourage you to look with inside of yourself and do you feel connected to your person? And if you do, then you are those emotions inside of ourselves. Don't lie. And I think the other thing that social media does is it paints an unrealistic picture. And, Brooke, you. You highlighted that. It paints an unrealistic picture about what relationships are and how they're supposed to roll. And we start trying to sum up, you know, the. The rules and requirements of relationships. And there's only one great relationship, and that's the great relationship that happens between the two people in them. So we have to be careful about trying to create this consensus about what a great relationship is. There are some hardcore principles that do need to be considered, like the principle of, you know, polarity and contrast, et cetera. And there are a lot of. There's a tremendous amount of learning to do about relationships. And I. That's where I would encourage you to go. Don't. Don't let some person on social media decide whether your relationship is okay or not. You know, so social media is creating a lot of conversations and conflict that we've never had to navigate before. Before, I guess, long and short and painting unrealistic pictures about what relationships are supposed to be. And even though we don't feel angst when we get onto social media because of some of the things we're seeing or reading, then we start to feel angst and doubt our relationship and what we felt was there and what was true. And so we just. We create a lot of problems unnecessarily because of, you know, what's happening and playing out on social media. So tremendous amount of fear. So if you wonder why, you know, in relationships, we're more anxious and depressed than ever before, that has a lot to do with it. Anything you want to add to that, honey bun?

No, I think you both covered it very well.

Nice. Okay. Anything you want to add, Brookie?

I would say be careful who you're getting your relationship advice from on social media. There are a lot of people giving a lot of advice, and we are included. We give advice, too, but I feel that we're qualified to do it. So I would say just make sure that the person that you're getting advice from or before you make any changes in your relationship based on what you see on social media, just check who you're getting the advice from and if it's someone that you should really be following, you know, because there are a lot of people who are offering a lot of advice and I don't think all of it is good advice.

Gosh, I just think everybody and their dog thinks they're a relationship expert because they do relationships in their own lives. And that doesn't mean that they've studied it. That doesn't mean that they've helped people. That doesn't mean any of that. And so I, I love that you brought that up. That's. It's an important thing to remember. Not everybody is a relationship coach or person who's expert at relationships. Gosh, since 2013, when we were online, I can't even tell you how that has exploded where everybody thinks that they're the guru anyway. Yeah, I love that you brought that up, Brooke. Thank you so much. Much.

All right. I think that we should stop there. I think that that's a good stopping place for this conversation.

I do too. I think we've given everybody enough to think about and we don't want to overwhelm you.

And I think. Take a pause. We'll ask our listeners to take a pause. Grab a beverage. Cuz if you, if you know the flow of our show, we're going to take a pause. We're going to step into some. Follow the fun.

Yes.

Why do we do follow the fun? Well, Stacy just shared with you because fun and novelty are absolutely paramount.

They absolutely are. Relationships are an act of creativity. And I always say relationships will put our personal growth on steroids because they do. Contrary to popular belief, they are not going to take away all your fear and insecurity when you found the right person. Indeed, what happens instead is that it flashes all your fear and insecurities because there's a tremendous amount of risk on the table day in and day out. And so we can choose to recreate them and rewrite the stories of our relationships. And we want to do that as often as possible. And as we said, to offset the boredom to the homeostasis experience the balance position between companionship and novelty and play and eroticism. We have to shake it up. And we can do this intentionally without even having to blame each other for what's playing out or the fact that we've kind of flatlined a little bit. I want you to know that the counterpunch or the remedy to that is to introduce Something new, something different, something that brings joy and excitement and a thrill, and we can do that together, and we can create it together. And so this is why we have the Follow the fun moment on every single podcast. And, babe, I loved your challenge to say, go back and do all 97 and tell me that you don't feel better as a result of it, because we know you will. It's a huge part of our relationship, and we're trying to encourage you to allow yourself to step over the fear that comes up for you when you think about doing these things and do them anyway and watch how incredibly magical they are in your life. So this week, I'm going to encourage you to get through three cards. And they could be note cards or actual cards, Hallmark cards, etc. Pick three that you feel your partner would really get a kick out of or that really communicate, you know, where you're at and how you're feeling romantically in your relationship.

So a car, but not around like a. Like a birthday or something. Just. Just cards to acknowledge your partner.

Or, you know, they could be. They could be anything, as long as you feel like they're appropriate for where you are in your relationship at this point point in time. They could also just be blank note cards. Okay, what I want you to do is on the outside of the envelope, you're going to write on card number one, this is Thursday's card. There's going to be a Friday card and a Saturday card. Okay? And Thursday's card, you say, hey, meet me. Hold on.

Meet me in the kitchen.

Hold on. Nope, it's not meet me in the kitchen.

No.

Oh, it is. Meet me in the kitchen. I'm sorry, guys. I need to put my glasses on right now. If you're watching this on video, you'll see I don't. And I'm not able to read my notes creating this, so I apologize for all my blubbering. Let me put my eyeglasses on.

So card number one.

You're right, honey, because you had your glasses on.

Card number one, which is Thursday's card.

Is on the outside envelope. You write, meet me in the kitchen tonight at 9pm and when they show up in the kitchen, what you're going to say is, I want you to taste this, and you have some kind of a wonderful little treat prepared there, and you're going to give it to them. And this is a place where you could have some fun feeding each other, right? So make it creamy and gooey and sticky, and if you want to plant a kiss on them, so that you can take a taste too. By all means, please do. Oh my. The second card is going to be for Friday and on that card you're going to write meet me on the patio at 10:30pM PM and when they came out, come out to the patio at 10:30pm you're going to be stretched out in a lawn chair with your favorite beverage and you're going to invite your person to, you know, grab a glass, pour themselves a little or whatever it is you have and we're going to stargaze together and talk about the day. And on Saturday's card, the third and final card, you're going to write let's escape reality together. Be ready to go at 7pm and when they open the card, you're going to describe to them a fun night out. And here's what I want to encourage you to do. Plan something you don't traditionally do. If you always go to dinner, in a movie, do something different. Go to a concert, go do some things.

Go play, go to the park and.

Play a game or play hula hoop or build something, do a craft. We just did a painting project that was a black. Do something different. And all you need to do is let your fingers do the walking on the Internet and it will come up with tons, you know, of wonderful date night, escape reality ideas. And there's going to be so many to choose from. So switch it up. Get a babysitter, plan a night out that the two of you can just kind of escape reality from. And this will these three things, it kind of builds on itself, right? So meet me in the kitchen and then meet me on the patio and then hey, let's get the heck out of here and escape this reality for a minute and do something that we traditionally don't.

So a little bit of advanced planning is required. I mean, not. But I just would implore, not even suggest implore. Especially for those that think like, oh gosh, you know, you always have these, you know, follow fun. But like it seems to be so outside of my capabilities. What would you say?

I would say it's not capability, it's comfort. You have the capability to do it. You're uncomfortable. And if it's so uncomfortable, you feel like it's without, you know, it's so outside of your reach. That's a really great sign to reach out and get some help and support. Right? That's a really great idea. Long before the wheels are coming off because we know that every relationship needs a bit of this boredom. Remember what we said in our conversation during the heart of the matter is inevitable. And if we don't learn how to counter punch it, and I honestly, if I knew a better way to counter punch boredom, I would give it to you. This is it. I'm giving it to you.

So if all this sounds great, but yet you think I have no idea how to pull this off, then, yes, reach out to us. That's. That's the greatest sign, you know, that you may not, you know, understand and respect that you're giving that. That your intuition is giving you. Like, man, I know I need to do this, but I have no idea how. Well, let us be the how. You know. You know, we can help you understand and help you implement this. You already understand it because you'd reached out to us, but we can help you implement this into your life without it being like, you know, building a pyramid.

I love that. And if you're not already on our fun list, get on our fun list. We have all kinds of wonderful ideas and suggestions as well as some giveaways that we do. And so you're going to want to be on there. This is an important aspect of our relationship. Relationships that oft times we just set aside and diminish and go, yeah, that's so silly. You know, let's get back to trying to solve that problem. Or, you know, as. As Tom says, phyllis, you know, give me the remote control. It's time for me to watch my show. And that's just a fun outplay and where we go and what we get comfortable with, even though there's a slow burn on the inside that at some point in time is going to have to be addressed. So shake it up a little. Challenge yourself, you know, get your armpits sweaty and try this. And then we would love to hear how it goes. Reach out and tell us, you know, celebrate with us. We love it when we hear from our listeners. So do that and have a little bit of novelty and fun. It's important. It's not silly. It's important. It's critically important. And the song that we're going to leave you with today, because we do that each and every time as well. You know, we want you to feel the conversation that we're having. Music is a wonderful place for us to just connect with our emotional selves in profound ways. I don't know, a greater vehicle for that as well. And so each and every episode has a song. And this song comes from Anderson Pack, and it's a featured Smokey Robinson song, and it's called We've got to get better at this. And maybe I am pulling that from memory.

Make it better.

Ah, yes. Make it better. There was something I found funny about that. Make it better. It's a beautiful song. And if you need to access our playlist that we create for our podcast episode, you can simply go to Spotify and Google Love Shack playlist. You can also access Live.

I think it's Love Shack Live.

You're right. You're right. You're the detail, man. It's Love Shack Live playlist on Spotify and you can also access it on our website. So. All right, that's our wrap for this week. Thank you so much for. For being here with us inside of the Love Shack.

Have a fun episode. Coming up ne next episode.

You want to tell about it? You just couldn't hold it, could you?

No, I'm just going to say you. You'll want to check it out. It's a. It's a incredible story that happens to be true and it involves some very close family members that we love and appreciate, and it's going to inspire you to and, and remind you what's possible, even when we think that nothing is possible after a significant, you know, difficult event, difficult, you know, part of life.

I agree. If there's a conversation you would like to have or a question, that's what we're answering today. If there's a question that you have that's on your heart about love and relationships, please reach out to us on our website@stacybartley.com and you can ask your question. We're Thomas Stacy Bartley, host of Love Shack Live. Thank you so much for being here with us today. And we want to encourage you to do your best to become a better lover every day. Have some fun while doing it, and commit to feeling good along the way. Until next time, have a beautiful day and get that. Follow the fun going. It's important.

We'll see you soon.

Okay, everybody, time to go. We gotta close the doors to the Love Shack for this week. You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here. Come back next week, though, and join us for another edition of Love Shack Live with Tom and Stacey Bartley.