#99: Finding Love Again: A Story Of Hope, Healing, & New Beginnings

I had not been in a relationship for almost a year and I had really come to the point where I was really going to just get used to being on my own and watching Hallmark.

Because you really wanted romance. You just didn't know if you were going to go there.

Hey, thanks for coming. Welcome to the Love shack.

Love shack. Hey, welcome to the love Shack. It's a little over place where we get to get together, explore fresh perspectives and eavesdrop on juicy conversations in an ability to discover the things that really matter while having a little bit of fun along the way. This is episode number 99, where we're talking about and exploring the conversation of when endings become new beginnings. The love beat does go on. And today's episode is for anyone who feels their best days of love and romance are behind them, which is often a narrative as we love someone deeply and then because of death, divorce, breakup, we believe that our past experiences are going to be as good as it gets for us. And so how do we get comfortable just kind of sustaining the rest of life without all of those wonderful things that relationships and passion and pleasure can bring into our lives? We have a special guest today, two of them actually. And our guest today had thoughts like this too. And yet how off base they were. Now that they're going to share their story with us, this incredible real life couple is here to share with us their story of how endings are actually new beginnings. An inspiring story of how love will fill our hearts again and again and again if we will, but just risk a little bit.

Absolutely. Welcome everyone to episode 99. Can't think of a better way to be right on a significant number of episodes for us. You know, everybody says if you can reach a hundred, they say Seth Godin won't even talk to you unless you have 100 episodes. So, Seth, we're coming after you just by the way. But this is a really, really special story I always like tell when I share our story, babe. I say, they say, oh, that's a great story. I said, well, yeah, and it happens really to be true. Here's another one. And yeah, these are very special people in our lives as well.

Yeah. So let's introduce our guests so we can come on and hear from their story and their experiences. And we're so thankful that they did. Jim Bartley is Tom's brother and he happens to be my brother too. I love him dearly, so appreciate him. He's been such a contribution to my life over the last decade or plus and to his beautiful partner now, Kathy who I've had the pleasure to get close with and learn and grow with. And I want to welcome this couple to our show. Thank you so much for being here with us and joining us inside the love shack today, Jim and Kathy. And we invited you to come on the show because your story has such a significant place of inspiration, not just for us as we've watched it unfold and we've had the privilege of seeing that, but for so many people who find themselves in this place where they really do feel like the best days of love and relationship and sex and passion and pleasure is behind them. And you're. You're such a great demonstration of how that's just not so. Right. Those are the stories that we make up. And so I would love to start the conversation with each of you today by having you. And I don't care who starts first, but whoever wants to start with, you know, what were the fears and concerns that perhaps you had on the front side of your relationship, wondering how it was going to go or if this was silly or should I go there or this isn't going to work, just because that's such a part of our human experience. And then hear about how it all came together and then to hear about where you are now. So, so that we can take that wonderful journey with.

So is that all in one? That's a lot there. Is that all?

Well, I just kind of laid out the whole show. Okay, first, the first question is, tell us where you were prior to falling in love with each other. Like, what were your fears and, and thoughts about how this, how you thought this was going to go?

And, and, you know, the backstory of how you found yourself to be at this possibility junction, too, because that's significant. Really significant.

Yeah. Yeah. So should we. Who are we going to pick on first?

Jimbo?

So Kathy and I have known each other for 40 years as friends because her husband was a very dear friend of mine, Kim. And that's how our friendship established that long ago. And then, unfortunately, we had Kim pass about a year ago, and, you know, myself and Tom and Stacy, along with many other people, came to the celebration of life in Colorado. And of course, we saw everybody. And I saw Kathy for a short period of time during that period, and then we had checked in. I checked in on her after that occasion a couple times. And then starting in January of the new year, we started to communicate more often. And it kind of started from that point.

And originally, Jim, you were just kind of checking in on her as that good friend and, hey, how are you doing? Do you need anything?

And how about where were you relationally? James Aloysius Bartley.

Okay.

So I had not been in a relationship for almost a year, and I had really come to the point where I was really going to just get used to being on my own and watching Hallmark.

Because you really wanted romance. You just didn't know if you were gonna go there.

And I just started, okay, well, I'm gonna get comfortable. Just. Was just gonna maybe settle for that situation, because I certainly had some disappointments before this, you know, in other relationships, that was pretty discouraging. And so I'd really come to the realization I thought, this is. You know, I had really great family and good friends and thought, well, you know, it could be worse. And I was just. I was. I think I was really getting ready to just be okay with that.

So, Kathy, just to switch the conversation, tell us about your relationship with Kim. How many years were you together?

Well, Kim and I were together 40 years and four days and just had a very good, lucky, blessed marriage, I think. And I also saw in the past, you know, my mom lose two husbands, and I think was just such a good example for me that, you know, as devastating as it is at the time, life goes on, and you can choose to go with it, or you can choose to just stay where you're at. And so from her example, you know, she found love again and remarried. And then when my stepdad passed, she was in another relationship, you know, for quite a long time. And so I guess I just always knew that, you know, love is out there and people are out there, whether you can find them or not, you know, who knows? But she did. So she chose to go forward. So did I. And so I think when. When Jim and I started talking, it was actually what kind of prompted all that. It was actually Tom's. Tom's turn to check on me, and there happened to be a really big fire in Boulder county. And he just wanted to know if I was okay and happy New Year. And, you know, I said, yes, I'm fine. And I just, you know, closed on my business sale that day. And I said, and by the way, in October, I really never got to talk to Jimbo. There were so many people, you know, around and wanting my attention. And, you know, you're just. You don't know what end is up. But I did remember that we just, you know, there were a few people I just didn't get to talk to, and I really missed that. And so I think that kind of spurred on, you know, us connecting again. Just, I think it was January 2nd and just started talking and then it was like, well, maybe we'll talk again next Sunday, then we'll talk again next Sunday. And then pretty soon it was during the week and you know, things just kind of evolved that way and the conversations got, you know, more interesting, more personal because yes, we had been friends for most of our lives, but of course not in that sort of way because it was always just strictly friendship. And, you know, things just sort of evolved and somebody dropped a few hints here and there.

For those of you who are listening on the podcast and not visually, Kathy's pointing to herself. So I, I just want to, I want to ask a couple of questions here, if I may. So here we have is, the scene is unfolding. Jim, who's thinking, okay, I think I'm good with this. You know, I'm not, I'm not going to really venture into that whole romantic field again. And then we have a, a long time friend of 40 years who's saying, hey, yeah, my husband just passed of 40 years that we both loved and adored and I'm going to get myself to a place where I want to go again just because she had such an incredible demonstration from a mother, a parent. And that highlights to us, you know, the significant impact that we can have on being a demonstration to our kids about what's possible. And they're always watching. It doesn't matter how old you get, they're, they're always watching. Our kids are. And so Kathy's actually pointing to herself, which I find interesting in the story because you would almost think, or I would assume that you would be the person who would be the more gun shy person. And that James Aloysius, that's what we call him in our family, came after you. And indeed that was not the case. And so Kathy, I just want to ask you, at what point in time did you think that there was something that you wanted to explore with Jim? Was it when you had the conversation with Tom in January? You're thinking, yeah, let me talk to that guy.

Well, it wasn't quite that soon, but I think just over our conversations in the beginning, I just realized how much we had in common that I never really knew. I mean, and the part that that goes away is when you know somebody as long as we've known each other, you don't have to go through that. You know, what kind of a guy is this? And is he okay? Is he a stalker? Is he some, you know, just Some weird kind of guy. I mean, you know, almost part of the family. I mean, part of the family actually an extension of the family.

So it made it a lot safer for you to kind of just step in and start asking those questions of yourself, like what is possible here?

You know, what's going on? Because something's going on. And funny enough, our sister in law, my sister in law was trying to get Jim to go on a date with a friend of hers. And I'm thinking, oh my God, don't do that right now. What might be happening here? And then I remember saying, Jim, don't you go falling in love right now. He's like, okay, I won't. He truly knew or maybe didn't know exactly where I was going with that. And I didn't know where I was going with that other than don't fall in love with somebody else right this minute because there might be, there might be something here.

Well, and you guys probably remember with what Kathy just said. I remember I immediately called you guys after you and I hung up. I said, I gotta ask you guys opinion. What did she mean by that?

You know.

Of course you guys said, Jim, there's some interest there.

I said, okay, are you sure?

Well, and let me just add, I mean from, you know, to understand my brother as well as I do, again this, you know, Kathy's part of a family, her husband, we get emotional. I mean they are family. So Jim, you know, of course, is a very, very logical, responsible, integral person. He says, my gosh, Tom, how would I take on all of. I said, jim, you know, you don't have to take on anything right now. All you have to do, of course both you and Kathy are very integral people. So that's quality. Doesn't leave. If we start doing some things maybe we've never done, whether whatever those qualities are for us, I think sometimes we forget that as humans. You know, I like to say if, you know, when you become rich, if you're generous before you had money, you're just going to be really, really generous. I always tell Stacy, I can't wait for people park my car because they're going to be fighting over that because I'm be handing out 100 spots.

This is Brooke. I think it would be helpful for the audience to know just how close we are to Kim and Kathy's family. I'm Brooke, I'm Tom's daughter and Jim's niece. For anyone who doesn't know. And Kim's father, me and my brother and my cousin Jordan call Him, Grandpa. So they are really like a part of our immediate family. Grandpa Bubbers. And then there's Kim, Bob, Barry and Dan are the four brothers. And I've considered all of them uncles my entire life.

Well said.

Grandpa Bubbers was at the hospital when I was being born. So this is a very, very strong family bond. I think that's just a good aside. So people know, like, this is, you.

Know, they're not just a casual acquaintance.

Yeah, it's not a casual acquaintance. And this is why. This is why Jim's feelings were so important about being respectful to everyone in the situation. That was. That was why he was so, you know, trepidatious and being very gentle and not wanting to trample anyone's boundaries. Because this is a bit. This is, you know, it's an interesting situation, but it also shows what's possible when there is so much love that's already there.

Got it. Nicely said. You're kind of good with this stuff, aren't you?

Well, I. To say that this is a close sphere of influence. Right. That understand some may have their own cognitive biases around. Quite frankly, there'll be a lot of.

Different opinions on this as well. Absolutely.

Well. And. And one thing I want to point out too is just like what Brookie said, there was a lot of concern on my part because Kathy and I had been friends for so long and I. I honestly wasn't sure if you could transcend over to something more, you know, and.

Sure.

And then you guys, you know, were very instrumental in encouraging me to see what might be possible by spending more time together. And so was Teresa and Barry, Barry being, of course, Kim's brother and Barry's wife Teresa. And though you guys, you four were really instrumental in pushing me because, you know, there was a period of time that Kathy flew out to Southern California. U.S. 3 went to Paso to their other home to meet, just to see how things would go, which is a really nice weekend. But even after that weekend, I still was unsure of what could be possible. And then you two and Teresa, of course, Barry at that time didn't know really what was going on for us to really meet and maybe spend some more time, just one on one. So that's exactly what we did. I flew out to Colorado, and then Kathy's really close friends allowed us to use a beautiful place in Vail that we spent some time there. And that really had a huge impact on me on whether or not I thought something could go beyond just friendship. And it certainly was there. That was a Real stepping stone for me as far as I knew that there was something more when I went over there for sure.

So I just. So that people can understand that you're human, just like they're human. What were some of the thoughts in your head that were spinning about the reasons why maybe you weren't gonna go and maybe you weren't gonna explore this and maybe it just wasn't gonna work out, so.

Meaning right before Jim chose to go.

Yeah.

I mean, would it be fair to say, Jimbo, that that was, you were right on the edge whether you were gonna take, get onto that airplane and go or not. Is that a fair enough statement?

It was, I mean, and you know, a huge thing in my mind was the brothers, you know, and Bubs not knowing how they were gonna feel. You know, I said I just didn't know. And you know, Teresa was giving me pushes. She was trying to reassure me that everything would be fine. But I still, you know, still with the length of time that we were friends, that was really messing with me. And the other thing is I didn't want to mislead Kathy in any way, shape or form. So I was so afraid if I went out there and I didn't know if I could transcend over or that there wasn't the connection that, you know, it was just, I mean, Kathy didn't know either, of course, until we spent any time together. I just didn't want to make the wrong choice, that's all.

Sure.

So. But with your guys support and Theresa's support, I said no, I got it. So I did. But I was very nervous on that flight.

And Kathy, what were some of your thoughts? Because you know, as we like to say, you know, love gives no guarantees, just possibilities.

Well, there's always a risk involved. I, I think I felt all along a little bit more sure about the fact that this could go somewhere. But of course, you know, until you spend really, you know, time with somebody and you're close and you're, you know, as Stacy said, get all in there, you know, that's. That was great advice. And you have to do that to see, you know, if there is a spark, which I was pretty sure there was going to be. But again, you know, you never know. And there was and obviously you've brought.

Up the analogy or the metaphor, you know, that sometimes we don't forget applies to love is, you know, we can walk in clothes shopping and we can see some beautiful things on a rack that we think are going to be fantastic or not, and we throw them all in our basket and we go into the fitting room and you won't know how going to go until you actually get all in and try it on. When you get all in and try it on, then some things start to become clear, you know, like this is too tight, this is too short. I really like it, but I don't think it's for me, you know, I mean, and, and that so applies to relationships as well. And sometimes we don't realize that we need to do that. That leap of faith, it is a risk, but we'll never know unless we step in and try it on and off times. That's the conversation that keeps us from stepping in and trying again.

And I think that some of the things that, that Jim was a little bit more concerned about. For me, one of the biggest risks was knowing that he had had relationships in the past. And you know, since we were friends, it always seemed to me that he was the one breaking off the relationship. And so that was kind of, you know, the scary part for me because, you know, no guarantees. You gotta just risk it and see what's what.

Kathy, I have a question. I bet a lot of our female listeners are wondering, especially fellow widows. I know there's a lot of taboo around when is the right time to be in a relationship again? You know, when. And, and, and really not ever asking themselves that question, but only worrying about what other people are gonna think, you know, so, and if they deem that you've grieved enough. So I would ask you to share your wisdom around that. It seemed to me this whole time that you've just had a very natural grace about that that really hasn't held you back. But while you still honor Kim's legacy. So how do you, how did you navigate that?

Well, I think that again, everybody's individual and that kind of old fashioned thing about, you know, you've got to grieve for a year, don't date for a year, don't, you know, do this for a year. Yeah, honestly, that wasn't even in my thought. I mean, I w. I wasn't even. I didn't know if I was going to be alone or not the rest of my life. I knew I didn't want to and I knew that very early on, but I don't know that there was ever like, oh, you have to wait a year or anything like that. And when things started evolving with us, I'm sure a lot of people thought it was pretty quick or you know, you're on a rebound or something. Like that. And, you know, who knows? I mean, maybe. Maybe I was for a while. I don't. I honestly don't know. I would say don't put a time limit because, you know, your mind and your heart are yours alone. And it's not for anybody else to say, you know, wait six months, wait, wait a year. It's just whatever seems to be working for you. And for me, it happened to come across early. And I feel really blessed with that, you know, because Kim will be in our hearts and minds forever. I mean, that's. Yeah, that's just the way it goes.

I follow a couple of widows that help other women deal with being widows and how to move on and how. And all of that. And the thing that they always are grappling with, at least the widows I follow, is that their. Their new husbands don't necessarily know how to deal with the story of the spouse who has passed away. Yes, but your guys's story is so beautiful because you will have. No matter what happens, you know, if you guys get married or when you live in the same house, you will have pictures of Kim up forever. And Jim, you will never feel jealous of that. And that's such a beautiful thing. I don't. That's a rare. That's a rare, rare part of your story. Because I just know that sometimes that there's difficulty around that, you know, because when someone passes away, it's not the same as a divorce. There's no anger at the person for, you know, cheating or something. It's. It's a very different thing. It's. It's like you are still married to them. So it's. I think it's a beautiful part of your story that you both loved him as much as you did, you know?

Yeah.

Thank you for that.

And I really want to address that. I. There's something. Because that is a conversation that comes up even if we have divorced and we're remarrying. It's a conversation that shows up in my office all the time. And it's this idea that we buy into, which is a total illusion that if you love someone else, you can't love me fully. And I just want you all to know, and I don't know how more explicit to say it, other than that is such a bullshit story about how we're wired as human beings that we have bought off on that when you stop to think about it. We have the capacity as a human being to love many people deeply. And the only limit to that is what we say is so in our own minds and in our own thinking, otherwise, we would not have the capacity to love siblings, to love friends, to love. You know, I have six children, right? I remember having a fear of not being able to love the second as much as I love the first. And then I had the second, and then I could have, you know, six more. And. And I'm sure people who have 10 and 13 children love them all the same differently. There's different unique aspects about the personalities of those people that you appreciate and that you love and that you resonate more than others. But we have the capacity to love many people deeply. So if you are in love with a person who says, I still love my partner, whether it's through a divorce or through a death, that absolutely does not mean they don't love you. They can love you deeply.

Well, and I, I would just add, you know, and we've shared this, I know, on our podcast where, interestingly enough, of our buying children. Most of them are from the lady on my left, ladies and gentlemen. But Brooke is my biological daughter. For context, was probably the, not probably for sure the most upset of the eight that Stacy and I were getting married. And my point there is, so we sat down with her and over some time let her know, I mean, because Brooke and I are really close, thought she was going to lose her dad. That love is an expansive quality, and the more that you love, the more that will come into your life. You can't out love love, you know. And so I would say, number one, and number two, Stacy has helped my first wife move. And so it's possible to facilitate a loving release. And does it require more of you and to become a better version of yourself? Absolutely. But the thought that you would just lop off, the thought that Kathy would lop off 40 wonderful years with Kim and act like that never happened again is absolutely crazy. That's not going to happen, nor should it ever even be in the conversation.

Well, and I would just add that regardless of how your relationship has gone up to this point in time, I want you to know there was good, right? And then there was probably challenges. And that's true in every single relationship. And just because it maybe didn't end or go the way you thought it was going to go, doesn't mean that the good still doesn't exist. And I think we sometimes forget to celebrate that, like, there's beauty in all relationships, regardless of, you know, on the back end, what we would deem them to be. You were in them and you chose that person. To love, because there was something there that was beneficial to you. And so the good remains. You know, the children, the creation, the joy, the experiences, those that you loved and that you cherish still matter. They still are. Are. Are there. They're still an experience that are a part of who you are and who it is you're becoming. And yes, I get the disappointment sometimes of when it doesn't go the way you thought it was going to go. But don't let that stop you. Pick up and go again because, you know, you never know when that one more place is going to open up and create the experiences that you desire and quite frankly, deserve. And so there's a lot of limiting stories here. And that's one. One of the things that I love about Jim and Kathy's story is that it. It transcends so many of these things that we talk about. But it's wonderful to see a wonderful demonstration that. So as we circle back to Jim and Kathy, you know, at what moment, and I want to. I want to ask you independently of this, because the moment may be different for each of you. We get to the juicy part. Jim, Jim, at what point in time did you realize, oh, my gosh, I think I'm in love with this woman? Like, well, you know, when did that happen for you?

One of the things I also want to add in here is that what's been amazing, I think, for both Kathy and I, is the support that we've had on both sides has been unprecedented.

I was just gonna say the same thing.

Can you guys tell the listeners what happened when you told your family members, like, you know, how you were scared to tell Kim's brothers and grandpa bubbers about the relationship? How did that go?

Well, okay, so when we came back from Vail, we said that we want to tell the St. Peter's you know, so did we call Bubs first, babe?

We call. Well, Barry kind of was in on it, but I called Danny and Bobby just personally and just kind of, you know, Jim said, what are you gonna say? I said, well, I'm just gonna say how it all started. And, you know, it wasn't a really long conversation, but it just kind of took them back to the beginnings of us talking and kept talking and kept talking longer, and they're going, huh, huh. Okay, well, if you're happy, we love you both. And that was basically the reaction, I think, from our family members that know each other was just pretty much very good support and positive. And I know on my side of the family, you know, My sister, my nieces were like, big eyes and, oh, my God, you know, tell me. Tell me what's going on. Everybody was so excited and happy and, you know, just thankful, I think, for, you know, for Jim, for making me happy and vice versa, so was there.

Anybody who wasn't completely supportive? And how did you handle that?

Well, I mean, like, for example, Barry was always supportive, but I remember. Forget. I remember I was working and there was a call, so. And very. Left a voicemail saying, can you call me when you get a chance? I said, what's that about?

You know? Yeah.

So I called him up. He said, jim. So Teresa shared with me what's going on. I said, okay. So he said, you know, when I first heard it, I. You know, it took me some time, but they were on vacation. And so they're. I think they're gone about a week. And then, you know, of course, the more he thought about it, he couldn't have been, you know, he was. He adjusted, which is totally understandable, of course. And, you know, he said, I can't be happier for you both and, you know, the important things, that you're happy. And that was really the extent, I think, probably of anybody. Danny initially was a little. Not that he wasn't supportive, but he was just a little bit. Probably the most surprised, you know, would you think, babe? And maybe took him the longest to maybe to adjust.

And I think people are still adjusting.

Oh, yeah.

And.

And right. So, I mean, it's a process. It's different, you know, for us and everybody that knows us and family and friends and sure, you know, you can be. You can be really happy for what's going on here. But, you know, there are people that just say, you know, I say about Kim, where the hell are you? Yeah, you know, where'd you go? Where are you? And so that's just, you know, totally understandable.

Oh, yeah.

I mean, it happens to all of us here and there.

Yeah. Has there anybody who has said to you, kathy, you haven't grieved long enough to. To be in love. You don't even know what you're talking about. Like. Like they knew better than you do?

Yeah. No, I have to say there has not been anybody that has had any negativity whatsoever. I think a few people have expressed, you know, caution and just, you know, go slow, take your time, don't jump into anything and just, you know, just be and see. See how it goes. See what continues to unfold. But no, I would say nobody has said that.

I didn't receive anything like that either.

Oh, that's so great. I mean, that tells us that you come from a lot of people that surround you and support you and what you feel is best for which is a very rare commodity. I'm sure there's a lot of listeners who go, what the heck? You know, I'm getting it from all sides. I'm getting pelted, you know, And I.

Would also give acknowledgment to Jim and Kathy. Like, I always assure Jimbo, like, you know, if you're an integral person, you know, you're gonna handle it right. So I just reminded Jimbo, like, look, you're gonna let, you know, Bubs, who's the dad, B U B S for those. That is. That's his nickname. But that's like Brooke said, he's. He's been Bubs or grandpa Bubs and the brothers, you're going to let them know you're going to be fully transparent. And so that is so huge. And so it not doesn't typically take place, you know, it's when we start to hide, you know, we're only as sick as our secrets. So there's been no secrets. There's been full transparency by both of these people, you know, Jim and Kathy both. And I always knew that, like, look, as long as that it may still be difficult for people to hear, but. But here's what's happening, you know, I mean, that's a. That's cannot encourage people to go that route. And we always.

They.

There is an art to that, you know. And so, you know, Jim would reach out to us often. We said, jim, it's. You've got this. Just. Just keep being transparent and being honest with people. There won't be any issues that. Not to say that won't make some people's arms pit sweat, but that's okay. It's not their decision, you know, it's your decision. But you're being transparent.

And I just want to say to the other side of the equation, if you find yourself in a place where you don't have a lot of support and people cheering you on about the places that you feel very passionate about going and exploring and relationships that you want to step into, you know, at the end of the day, we. I have seen it play out for myself and the clients that we serve. It's so important that you honor yourself and that you intentionally surround yourself with people who will cheer you on to explore what it is you want to explore with inside of yourself, because that's what relationships Are relationships are definitely a deep exploration of me and what's possible with co creating with someone else. And if we don't follow those sometimes there's a tremendous amount of regret on the backside. And not all of us, I acknowledge, are privileged and honored to have people who cheer us on in our corners. And sometimes we have to do that for ourselves and we have to surround ourselves with people who will give us that gift and we have to intentionally create it. And I. I just want to. I just want to say that for.

The record, and if you don't have that, don't worry because hang on, Better Love Club is coming soon, and that's going to be a community of very, very supportive people.

So I'm somewhat rewinding the clock because.

Stacy was pointing to this as, honey, we missed this.

Honey, we missed it. What was the moment? Moment you fell in love? Like, how did you know? Like to make the phone calls, to have the conversations, to. Don't. Let's not miss the best part. Like, oh my gosh, you fooled around and fell in love. And, and how did that happen? And, and how did that unfold for each of you independently?

Well, I know I shared this with you guys that the very first day we were in Vail and that day was coming to a close, we were going to our seven bedrooms. I said to myself, I definitely feel something more already just because it was a really great day, you know, even though I was really nervous in the beginning, it just turned out to be a lovely day and afternoon and evening. And then what was really very unique, I thought, or just an observation, I guess, that we stayed in Vail for five days, had a really nice time, and then we kind of ghost said, well, said, you're not leaving in five days.

You're not going home tomorrow, are you?

I said, no, I don't want to go home. You know, she asked me if I'd be okay or comfortable going back to her house. And I said I would be. And it turned out, of course, I stayed there for quite a while. And that was really the beginning for me, Stacy, that I knew I was falling in love with her. And then, you know, just as you guys had told me when I was going to be leaving that first time, it was extremely challenging because, you know, I wanted to come right back as soon as I could. And that that came to fruition, you know, I couldn't wait to see Kathy and, you know, and the thing is that just like in watching you guys over the years, it's really been easy, you Know, I remember. I don't know who was it your friend Dave that said. She said, is it easy? And. And I think we both would. Would absolutely say it is easy. In fact, we have a hard time not waking up laughing and going to.

Bed laughing, you know, so ridiculous, really. In a good way.

Yeah, it really is. I mean, I, you know, I don't know if I can tell you the exact day, but I've been in love with her seems like forever now. You know.

Man'S got away with words, I'll tell you. And I think for me, I think when Jim started making his feelings clear, and I said, you know, I've been falling in love with you for a really long time. And that just was over the phone. It was just those conversations that were longer and, you know, more frequent. And it was just sort of a slow evolution, if you will, of just, you know, getting to know Jim just over the phone. I mean, for months and months. And, you know, I thought. I thought what I suspected was underneath of his trepidation is like that and a thousand times more, you know, I knew there was love and romance and fun and laughter, and there was really no doubt that for me, that that was there. It was just in finding out what was really under there, it just. He blows me away daily. And the things he says or does or a kiss or anything.

As we all get teary. Right. I can. I can share with you personally the transformation that I've seen in Jim has been something that makes me teary because I see him knowing, like you, Kathy, there was always this special something inside of him that I hoped that he would never, just never pursue. He's a very loving, loyal, incredible. I'm trying to think of the words as they're flooding in, but, Jim, it's so great to see you in love and it's so great for you to let all of those things, logistically that you thought were gonna stop you fall by the wayside. And one of them I'm just gonna highlight right here now is I remember you saying, oh, Tom and Stacy, I could never be away from you. I could never be that far. I only to see you turn around and go, ta, ta. I don't know when I'm gonna see you again.

I was like, hey, people say family. Family will say, have you heard from Jim? Jim, Jim, Jim who?

I don't hear from him.

I think we have to. We've. I feel like there's this whole other layer that is a very rare situation in the beginning of people's Relationships where Jim was planning his daughter's wedding with his ex wife Eddie at the very beginning of Jim and Kathy's relationship. And the wedding happened on like. Was it your guys's third trip?

Yeah.

Oh, the in person together. Yeah. No, great point, bro, great point.

Yeah, yeah, you're absolutely right.

So let's, let's give this test on steroids and see how strong.

Exactly.

Like, if there was so many family events, you were, you know, all of Jordan, my cousin Jordan, Jim's daughter's wife's family was there. You know, it was like a very big event. Three days of pure family time. And I have to say, it went off without a hitch.

You know, I don't.

Yeah, it was great.

I mean, I think, you know, Eddie and her family I had met 40 years ago as well, and we met for a prolonged period of time, but I had met, met, you know, quite a few of the family members way back when. And I'm sure it was probably, you know, very interesting for them to see us together after all these years.

Well, and how courageous of you, Kathy, to just step in and go, okay, I'm gonna. That's what I mean, this role.

Right.

I think that's what pointing to is, is what gave you the confidence and the courage to just step in and go, yep, this is my man. And, and we're a couple. And yeah, I'm gonna step into this family event and I'm gonna, I'm gonna love him and I'm going to be here to support him.

Honestly, it was fun and easy and you know, Jim said, I'll be with you a lot. And I'm like, you're the father of the bride. Are you sure you want me to come? And you're gonna be so busy. But, but funny enough, I knew that Bub Bubs could always be my second date because he's been my father in law for 40 years, so he could step in and be, you know, another date if I needed somebody else to dance with.

It was the first time that our family, the Bartleys, besides dad and mom too, they, they had been, you know, pretty much through the entire beginning of your relationship with you guys, coaching you and talking to you and knowing a lot. But it was the first time that the rest of the family had seen you together. And at least from my point of view, it just was, it was seamless, you know, like, that was a really big event because, you know, we had been planning it for years for Jordan to get married because Covid and all that stuff and I just think for a lot of people, that would be a super intimidating way to meet someone's family, especially with your guys's unique circumstances. And I think that just shows that, you know, you're. You're definitely not the ordinary couple. And that was a really. I don't know, that's a big test for a lot of people. They would have been super intimidated. And it was just, I think it was a really true testament to your guys love and your.

Yeah, but I think that also Brooky, too, was another example that even with that group, they were very supportive as well. I mean, it was just.

Yes, everyone was like, that's what I'm saying. You guys are just being met with open doors. You know, you're not. No one is saying, for all the worries you had, Jim, no one is saying, oh, my God, you're wrong. This is, this is terrible. How could you do this? Everyone is saying, we're so happy for you. It's so great to see you in love. You're a changed man. And I just would. I want the listeners to really hear that because I think that's the biggest message that they can take away from this episode is how love can really open you and change you and, and, and help you have all the things that you've wanted for a long time. But that can only happen if you let yourself.

When I would say at the end of the day, you know, again, I know, you know, Jim and I, my brother, have had a lot of talks about this, and just using my own experience of coming together with Stacy over 12 years ago. I mean, come on, people thought, you know, are you off your rocker, dude? Like, this woman's got like six kids and like freaking 9 million grandkids. Like, are you sure you want to step into this? Like, literally, really? Even Brook's brother, dad, like, I love you. Are you, dad? Are you sure? I mean, so at the end of the day, what I just encouraged Jim and then Kathy, too, is like, look, because we, Brooke, as Brooke shared, Stacy and I have spent. Been privileged to spend a lot of time with Jim and Kathy. I says, I can promise you, when people experience your energy, there'll be no questions. So you can't fake energy. You know, energy is energy. Energy can never be destroyed, only can be transformed into another form of energy. So just be yourselves. You guys have an ease and grace and flow about you, and people pick up on that. Many times people will ask Stacy and I, they'll notice us. We're just being who we are. Because you can't fake that. And people are wanting their own version of that.

Well said. Good advice to us.

Well, and what I was going to say is, is, you know, Wayne Dyer has a saying that I think is so applicable here. You know, when you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change, and so many of the fears and insecurities and concerns that we have on the front side of falling in love. Right. Transform in a nanosecond when we fall in love with somebody and go, hey, wait a minute. I don't miss Tom and Stacy Bartley at all. I'm in Colorado now. And Tata see you when I see you. Right. A lot of those fears and concerns and, and thoughts that we have on the front side. And. And me too, you know, oh, gosh, Tom lives in Sacramento. I could, you know, 600 miles away. I could never leave. We could never build our lives together. This is never going to work. I get it. It's. It's all of those logistical conversations that I just want you to hear me say, if you step in for the ride, it's amazing how they'll transform. And just like Wayne Dyer says, the things you look at change before your eyes, and the possibilities and the opportunities will open. And sometimes it's just the courage to explore what's possible. And, and stepping into that is, I think, the name of the game. Just see what's possible. Just. And. And if you're in a relationship right now and you're going, oh, you know, it's at the end where we can't make it, it's not going to work. I've tried everything. I'm like, you know, the same rule applies whether we're starting new love in a new relationship or we're starting new love in a relationship that's gone on for decades. It's only limited by the way we think it is. And I just hope that that's. That's my takeaway for today. And I would love each and one of you, all four of us, and even Brooke, too, if you have a takeaway. I would love for us all to say, okay, as we come to the end of this conversation in this episode, what is the one thing that you would like people to remember about your personal takeaway from our conversation today? That's mine.

Well, I would say, you know, I mean, again, you know, Jim and I were in the, you know, more towards the latter part of the journey in a lot of cases, you know, this is not young love. And, and I think many of us, when we get to, you know, in our 60s. Both of Jim and I are in our 60s. You know, I mean, they go, gosh, there's no way I'm going to be able to re. Recreate something. You know, I mean, we, you know, unfortunately, we would dismiss even the possibility before we even know. And, you know, I mean, go figure. Who would have ever thought, you know, that Jim and Kathy came together similar to our story, babe. I mean, again, for those of you that don't know, you know, if you've listened, but if you haven't listened too long, thank you for listening, number one. Number two is Stacy's sister Stephanie, married my friend from the fourth grade and I met her in 1978, and 32 years later, we came together. So we just don't know. We don't know. I would say don't, don't decide for the universe. The universe. We say, Gus, God, universe and spirit is, is conspiring for our good, if we will simply allow.

And as mom would say for all of us, just follow the open doors, Explore the open doors and see what's there.

And I guess I would say that to remember out of all of this is that love doesn't have an age. Just. It just doesn't. Because, you know, as my sister said many times over these months, I'm raising a teenager. Well, I am. I'm cuckoo. I'm a teenager. I am just, just silly and just. It's. There is no age limit. It's there. It's there if you just will open up a little bit to find it. And the other thing, I guess I would say is if you don't have a good role model, you know, for continuing on in relationships, find one. Find somebody that will support you and say, you know, if you want this for your life, go out and get it. Don't sit and wait. Go for it.

I love that.

And I think for me, I said, I think possibility, you know, always believe in possibility. Definitely you need to venture outside your comfort zone at times, even though it's uncomfortable. But the other side can be magnificent. In my particular circumstance with Kathy, had I not been pushed into that realization that you don't know until you really give it an honest try and that you are in maybe an uncomfortable situation that it maybe would have never happened. So I think you really need to explore to the full possibility and see what the outcome may be, because, I mean, it can be extraordinary.

As I have a big brother that I've mentioned from time to time on the podcast, and he's not necessarily Eloquent sometimes in what he says, his best advice, but he's very clear. And I can hear him in my head saying, bear down and give it hell and then see what happens.

There you go.

Well, he's the reason. He's the reason why we're together.

He is the reason why we're together.

How about you, Brooke?

I would say, first of all, all three of us have very similar experiences where we came together with a person that maybe we weren't expecting, my fiance included. And I got divorced and quickly got together with him. So I'm sure people judged me, too, because that's not typically what people do. You know, you gotta say, okay, I'll be single for a year and then maybe I'll date someone. But long story short, sometimes the biggest gift you can give yourself is to stop worrying about what other people think and just go for it.

So agree. I so agree. You be the deciding factor, you know? Absolutely. Well, Jim and Kathy, thank you so much for being here with us today. This is so fun and delightful. We love you so much.

We love you, too. You and Tom not only encouraged Jim, but you were just so important to me on this journey and just letting me talk and vent and, you know, giving me the courage to say, just, you got this. You just be you and you got it, and you'll know what to do. And I just let that go. And you're right.

So I know you guys are really roughing it and steamboat right now. We'll let you go back to your rough, rough day.

Probably time for that first cocktail before the sunset hits.

So go take a break, you know, let this tingle you all over the place. And we're going to come back for a little bit of Follow the Fun. So I want to remind you as we step into our Follow the the Fun moment, pleasure is power. And we have to start having a different conversation around pleasure. And this is one of the reasons why we do a Follow the Fun moment in each and every episode. I want to remind you that relationships are an act of creativity, and we can choose to recreate them as often and as pos as possible. As often and as much as possible, we become stuck, if not in something old and something restrictive and something boring, and we don't have to find ourselves there, but it is on us to consciously, like, switch it up, right? It is on us to step into places that maybe are uncomfortable in those novel, pleasurable moments, but if we don't, we're then going to flatline, and it's just a human Principle. And it is as principled as gravity itself. And so this is why we do a Follow the Fun. And if you were to do the Follow the fun for the the almost now hundred episodes, I promise it would transform your life. And so, without further ado, today's Follow the Fun moment. You know, I always like to do a drum roll because this is a place where most people clock off, but this is the place where those who stay benefit so much, especially if you.

Implement it, deploy it. Our business coach, it's all about deployment. You know what, we don't need more information. We need to put it into our life and experience.

That will refuel us.

Yeah. So please don't check off, you know, put take this 99th one and actually do it and let us know how it goes.

Yeah, that would be so great. So it's all about the twist. And it really is all about the twist. Congruent with our conversation today with Jim and Kathy. It's all about the ability to just try, just go for it, to step in and see how it goes. And all it takes to make a transformation happen is a little bit of fun and pleasure to take something that you're already doing and put a twist on it. It. And so this is how we can easily build a little bit of novelty into our lives. It's in doing something that you're probably going to do anyway, but in doing it, do it different, put a little twist on it. And this is what creates joy and delight and quite frankly, romance in our relationships. Who doesn't want some of that? So this week what I'm going to encourage you to do is I don't know about you, but I'm going to suspect that like us, when Friday comes and the week is long and the kids are done with school or work is complete and we're done with doing the tasks of the week, we are granted in our society, nine times out of a 10, the ability to kind of have a little bit of pleasure for Friday night, Saturday and Sunday before we have to face the drudgery of Monday morning once again. And if you're anything like Tom and I, we get a little bit of takeout. Like, who wants to cook at the end of a long week? I mean, like, nobody. So when you do that takeout that this week, go ahead and get it. Get your favorite takeout just like you always do. But this time, I'm going to invite you to number one, eat it in a different place. Like if you typically eat it on the couch, take it to the Table. If you typically eat it on the table, take it out back or take it under the table, take it to the bed, take it to the porch, take it anywhere, take it to the, you know, the park. Take it somewhere that you typically don't take it. Number two, eat it on nice dishes. Because most of us eat takeout in plastic paper, plastic fork, plastic spoon. Put it on some nice dishes, right? Or put it in your little picnic pack and take it to the park on a nice, you know, melanin plate. We have one of those in our backpacks. Number three, add some candles, some flashlights, some luminaries. Give yourself some lighting and then don't forget some favorite music to set the mood. That's so easy right now with our phones or portable speakers that are like teeny tiny, micro sized, we can take music to kind of set the mood anywhere we go and enjoy it in a different place. And truly that's all it takes is a little bit of something you were going to do anyway and just add a little bit of twist and some optional suggestions. Well, you know, if you want to do dessert between, between the sheets cake with a little bit of cider nuts, that's totally fine as well. So simple novelty. It often creates our most cherished moments, but they don't happen unless you intentionally create them. So go do do this. Friday's coming up. It's right around the corner. Don't miss it. So get on the fun list if you're not already. We would love for you to be there and connect with us more about what we're doing here at Stacey Bartley. And we're going to step into a little bit of can you feel it. Each week we choose a song that kind of helps us feel the conversation that we intend to create for you in the heart of the matter during our episodes. I love today's song. And I must give a little bit of a shout out to our wonderful friend Donnie, who inspired this. When we were telling her in our excitement about what we were going to do around this episode and we were going to have this incredible conversation couple that we love and adore so much. Come on and and share with us their love story, she said, oh, you know what the song is? Then I said, no, please tell me. And she says, well, it's fooled around and fell in love. And I went, oh my gosh, that's so perfect. So if for those of you who don't know who might not be as old as Tom and I, that comes from the 70s.

Wow.

Elvin Bishop that takes us back. Where did you go when you heard the song and I played it for you this morning?

Way back. Yeah, I mean, remember, I mean, I can remember when that was popular, but it was more than a year or two ago. Great, great song.

But then I fooled around and fell in love. You can check this song out in spite of my singing voice on our website by clicking our Spotify playlist. And you can listen to this one or all the many songs that we've chosen for each and every episode. So that's it for today's Love Shack Live. Thank you so much for being here and I want to give a shout out and a special thank you to Jim and Kathy for being here with us and the courage and willingness to share their love story with us. And for you, our listeners, for being here with us today to have this conversation inside the love shack.

And if you're feeling inspired by that, by, you know, Jim and Kathy's story, but you think like that, that that can never happen for me, I would challenge you. You know what, and let us support you and work with you because this is what we do. We work with people at all walks of life, but don't think like it's not possible for you. I like to say that great love is not only for the chosen few. It is available for all of us. But you have to be willing and have to have the courage and have to step in and see what's possible. And this is what we do. So if you need some help and you need some assistance, reach out to us.

Do your best to become a better lover every single day. Have some fun along the way while doing it and to commit to feeling good along the way. We're Thomas Stacey Bartley, host of Love Shack Live. It's been a pleasure to be here with you today. Bye bye.

See you soon. Okay, everybody, time to go. We gotta close the doors to the Love Shack for this week. You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here. Come back next week though and join us for another edition of Love Shack Live with Tom and Stacy Bartley.