Emotional Needs- How To Best Get Them Met In Your Relationship

Hey, thanks for coming. Welcome to the Love Shack.

Hey, welcome to the Love Shack, a little old place where we get to get together and explore fresh perspectives, eavesdrop on juicy conversations, and uncover the mysteries that nobody talks about, but absolutely influences our relationship. Relationships. If you're struggling in your marriage, just starting out in a new relationship, or are single and looking to do better next time, this is the show for you. My name is Stacy Bartley and I'm here with my co host and lover, Tom.

Hello, everybody. Good to be here.

Yeah. Together for the past decade, we've been teaching and loving on people from around the world with the sole purpose of helping individuals and couples to love more and fear less on their relationships, both with themselves and others. Quick shout out to our podcast.

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So let's talk about what we're going to talk about today. I need to ask you, do you ever get frustrated if your partner can't read your mind? I know I used to. And sometimes do even find yourself getting angry because they didn't do something that you really wanted them to do. That seems obvious to you. That seems like, come on, man, do this thing. Well, in the work that I do each and every day, so many of us are wondering how it is to get our partners to maybe stop doing or start doing that thing that just seems so bloody obvious to us. And quite frankly, because of the hundreds of couples that I am privileged and honored to serve from around the world, this, believe it or not, is the crux of our challenge. We cannot figure out for the life of us why something that seems so obvious to us is such a challenge to communicate to the people that we care about most. You know, the conversation typically is, if you would just start doing this thing, we would be fine. Or if you would just stop doing that other thing that seems to be wreaking havoc, we're going to be just fine. And so, so much of our time, effort and energy in our relationships is spent in having this conversation. So today we're going to do a deep dive into this conversation by beginning to bust some age old myths, like if I love them or if they truly love me, they will just know how to meet my needs. The truth is, voicing your emotional needs is one of the most important jobs as a partner that you have personally in developing a healthy relationship. The reality is none. And I highlight that in bold, capital, exclamation, underline letters. None of us are mind readers, so it's time for us to learn a better solution to addressing our upsets than just fighting and continuing to bang on the problem. What is the best way for us to get our needs met? Well, we'll be right back with some essential things that you need to know about how to get your emotional needs met in your relationship right now.

Are you tired of sitting on a couple's counselor's couch and feeling like you're just rehashing the past and making no progress? Do you feel like you're holding on to your relationship but panicked you're losing your partner? It's time to learn how to deepen your connection, finally resolve the arguments that keep coming up. Understand yourself and your partner and create the level of intimacy and you've been dreaming of. It's time for love to tingle your toes again. Schedule your private session with relationship expert stacy bartley@staceybartley.com checkup.

Ready to learn the most important thing you can do to revitalize your relationship today? Go to stacybartley.com fairydust staciebartley.com fairydust this is the number one thing Stacy teaches her VIP clients that has the power to improve the health of your relationship today. Learn how sprinkling a little fairy dust in your relationship can stop arguments in their tracks, Rekindle your spark and take your difficult conversations from the struggle bus to easy street.

Do you feel like your love life is on live support? It's time for a turbocharged relationship resuscitation with an alternative to marriage counseling. Head over to staceybartley.com to learn more about their proprietary programs their clients use to save their relationships. S-T-A C I B A R-T L E Y.com Visit stacybartley.com today Alternative Talk 1150 the Talk of the Sound.

Welcome back. We're going to do a deep dive into a conversation that we actually started in last week's episode. If you haven't had a chance to listen yet, I encourage you to do so. As we shared when we're attempting to solve problems, we focus the majority of our attention on what it is we don't want, what doesn't work. That's where all of our time, effort and energy is spent over and over and over again. We bang on this conversation, thinking that surely at some point in time, it's going to take us to the promised land. You need to realize that understanding what you don't want is only helpful if we use it to help us understand what we do want. Because once we get to want what we want, what we're longing for what's real for us, what's true for us, we can then advocate for it, which helps us to move forward and find the solutions that up to this moment have continued to elude us.

And just, just let me just share with you. Most of us, interestingly enough, can very easily and quickly. Yes. Figure out what we don't want. So all is not lost. Because if you know what you don't want, guess what, you can reverse engineer that and figure out what you do want. So just because you only know what you don't want, which you're not alone, most of us, that's the case, don't worry. So go back to that episode and we share with you how you can reverse engineer that.

Absolutely. And that's really the only benefit of don't want to. If we don't utilize don't want in that capacity, we tend to get lost in it. And that's all we tend to focus on. It consumes enormous amounts of our time, emotional energy, effort. Right. And nothing seems to change. We. It eludes us because the solution is always found if we can flip that don't want into a do want. And again, just like Tom said, if this is a conversation that you find yourself in the throes of and you haven't listened to last week's episode, I just want to really encourage you to go back and listen, because today what we're going to do is we're going to pick it up from there and this conversation is going to take us to the next step, which is uncovering how to advocate for what it is you need and want right now, now that you've discovered what it is. And as we mentioned last week, we get stuck in spending the majority of our time and energy banging on what we don't want without realizing it really is only helpful in helping us do what is we want. And if this isn't something that you've heard, probably not. And you're hearing this for the first time, I want you to realize what you want is typically the polar opposite of what you don't want. And sometimes when we work with clients, this can be very revealing. When I have them make a list of. All right, all the things they're complaining about, all the things that aren't working in their relationships right now. Right. And. Or all the difficult conversations that they wish that they could have, and they pull out a page and they write them down, and then I say, okay, let's discover what you really do want at the heart of it all. And they'll Say, well, I don't want any more of this. Okay, well, that's still don't want. We're still not talking about what you want. I'm clear about what you don't want. But are you clear about what you do want? And most of us have this moment inside of ourselves where we go to pull out a filing drawer and there's just no information there. And you have to understand that this is because we have been so practiced and taught to focus on the don't want. The problem, the challenge, the fear, the struggle, the difficulty that most of us as human beings don't spend a lot of time focusing any effort, emotional energy, or time on what it is you want, do want. So we don't have a filing drawer for that, let alone files in that drawer that go, I want this and I want this, and I want this, and I want this. There might be a few people in your sphere of influence that are really good at this, but most of us really struggle here. Like, I don't know where to go for what I want. Well, no worries. The beautiful thing is we have this don't want to help us. And all we need to do is, is flip that don't want into the positive, into the want. So if I am tired and don't want to fight with you anymore, what I want is a solution. If what I don't want is for you to always be gone all the time. What I want is for us to feel connected. What I want is for us to maybe spend time together. What I want for us is to share the emotional stuff. I just had a client yesterday who says, I'm so tired of hearing about the logistics of your day. It sounds to me like this. Oh, you open up a spreadsheet and then you entered some things in it, and then you picked up the phone and you made a phone call and you had a conversation with one of our employees. And I'm sick of it. And I says, okay, that's the don't want. What's the do want? And she said, I just want to know how he feels. And I said, that's exactly right. You don't want to hear about the logistics of the day. You want to know, where are you? What's going on for you? Give me something that I can emotionally attach to. And that's the power of the don't want. Now, I know that as you start to work with this, it's going to seem like clunky and unfamiliar and difficult. Don't let that stop you. Make A list of your Don't Wants. We go again. We do this in last week's episode. But just to give you a little recap, because we're going to go into asking now. Make a list of those don't wants, turn them into do wants. Take your best guess. A best guess is better than nothing, right? That's how lost and don't want we get. So get to what I want. And today in this episode, we're going to dive deep into how do we ask for it. But before we can go there, we actually need to bust a few myths. Like I'm going to ask you a few questions to just kind of ponder with inside of yourself about what stops us from willingly advocating for ourselves. And advocating just means that I publicly recommend or support myself or others. It means I'm going to disclose how I feel, what I want, what I need. And most of us as human beings, especially in the most sacred, intimate places of our relationships, have a very difficult time doing this. Right. We think that it's not okay. We feel like it's selfish. We feel like we feel entitled. We've never gone there, we've never done that. And most of us come from an age old mindset that doing so is actually the wrong direction that I'm supposed to be able to sacrifice myself, give, contribute, put up with, go along with, be okay with whatever is playing out in my relationship. And that means I'm loving, that means I'm here to support you. That means I'm in this. That means I'm committed, that means I'm going to see this through. And all of that is a myth in regards to where it is we need to.

Yeah. And I would just add that. And I love. Stacey uses this word a lot. And I don't think many of us have an association with using it in our relationship. Is advocate. But I would also remind us that advocation or to advocate does not mean that we are a bully. You know, does not mean that no one else's place of advocation doesn't have merit, if you will. So it's a. I would say yes, Stacy, this is a delicate line that we walk, but very, very powerful.

Yes. So let me ask you, why is it that we consider having to ask our partners for what it is we want and need? A negative thing. Why is that a bad thing?

It's not romantic. How many times have we heard that?

Oh, so many. Right? What else? If we're really in love, we shouldn't have to. They should just know what I need. Let Me ask you, I mean, those of us who are desperately wanting our relationships to work out, do you really know what your partner needs and wants? You yourself, personally, I most think we have a really good guess.

Yeah. And I would say many of us don't even know what that is for ourselves then. And how many times do you hear that? You know, not to be prejudicial or stereotypical, but many times the male energy says, I can't read her mind. Yeah, we can't. None of us.

Well, and us females typically think that you should know because we're giving off signs and clues by, you know, our eye roll and the slamming of our door and the gasping that we do. Right. You should just be able to pick up on that. And, and the crying and the, and the drama that sometimes we bring to the table. You should just know what we need. I mean, obviously, I've laid a breadcrumb trowel.

How about if you just shared with me the exact recipe?

Yes. Well, what, what about that? So that's an interesting question. And who told us that if we have to tell our partners exactly what it is we need, our relationship must be defective? Who made that up? Right? That there's something wrong, that we're really not soul mates or meant to be together? If I have to tell you what it is I need emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually in my life, I mean, let's be honest, who has access to that information? Them or you? It's you. And most of us don't spend enough time with that information to even know what it is for ourselves. And yet we get frustrated that we find ourselves on the same emotional mire because our partners can't figure it out. Is it really that or is it that you can't figure it out? Now, I know I'm asking some really tough questions here, and it's not your fault. The reason that we find ourselves here in relationships is because we have been told a story, a myth, a lie, essentially. It's a great story. It's a fairy tale story where, right, we meet, you look into my eyes, we fall madly in love, and you just know how to love me forever. Forever and ever and ever. And when that, I know that seems silly. And when I say it, everybody goes, oh, whatever, I know that's not the deal. But yet we do. We live by that mantra all the time without realizing, look, the only person that's going to be able to teach your partner, or anybody else for that matter, how to love you best is you. That's it. And if you don't know what that is. If you don't have the capacity, the ability and the desire to translate your own thoughts, feelings, and emotions into a language that then you can share, well, then you can start to see why it is. Most of us feel very unfulfilled in our relationships, especially when we start asking questions like, oh, it's unromantic to tell my partner how to love me best. Tom and I, when we came together 10 years ago, I realized and recognized he could literally love me out of a funk with a simple recipe. And this recipe is he puts his arms around me from behind. Who knew? I didn't know that until one day he did it. And I went, ah, that feels so supportive. Please do that. He held me from behind, he kissed me on my neck and said, whatever's going on, I will always be here for you. Now, guys, I could be pissed off and plugged in about the shopping list. And if he were to come up from behind me, hold me, remind me that we're in this together, and kiss me in a specific spot on my neck, it would be over. It would be a done deal. Right. Situation handled because one of my greatest fears and. And frustrations of life in my past. So I've felt like I've had to take the world on by myself, that I've had to figure it out alone. And that reminder with a physical cue, right? And a kiss on my neck, causes me to remember he's with me on this journey. And that's all I need. That's all I ever need. And so I taught him to do that. And I need you to know that even to this day, when he does it, I taught him to do that. It is still as absolutely wonderful as if he had come to that conclusion on his own. But let's be honest, could he have come to that conclusion on his own without any feedback or instruction from me? Absolutely not.

Well, and I would just, I would add that that would. That's exactly the opposite or pretty opposite of what I have figured out that I would want and do ask from Stacy when I am in a similar kind of a hot mess. Because remember, we're mess making machines. I want space. Stacy wants, you know, closeness. I want space. So oftentimes, and Stacy, you share with me, this is what we find when we work with our clients, that we typically, unless we are really good in this area, that we're going to dive deeper in today, that we're giving and we're supporting in places that work for us, but we have no idea. Like, Stacy just shared. Unless our partner has told us, like, look, please don't do that. I freaking hate when you do that. Like, what? How would you hate that? That's exactly what I need. Yeah, that's what you need. That's not what I need. So therein lies the exact opposite. Stacy. It's like, get back, Jack. I need some space. Stacy says she'll ask me, do you need some space? Yeah. Give me five. Okay. Give me five.

Yeah. And they're in highlights. So what do you think I used to do when Tom and I first came together to help comfort him? I would do the obvious. I would give him what it is I felt like I wanted and needed, which is what typically we all do.

In fact, we were watching a very important sporting game a number of years back, and Stacy was, you know, Stacy's very touchy and feely, which I love, but I, you know, she was doing that during a very important moment in play of a very important football game. I said, honey, while this is going on, please. That's not what I'm looking for. You're disturbing me. It's a fun inside joke, but nevertheless, I mean, just shows you. We don't know unless it literally. Like, I love specificity. I'm going to give you a wonderful quote that I share often. And specifics in our relationships is like catnip for our soul.

And most of us don't have enough specifics to literally tell our partners how to love us best.

Okay, so we. We. We've. We've. We've challenged some significant myths.

Yes, absolutely. And asking is so important. Not only is it going to provide solutions and new ideas, it's going to set you in moving forward and overcoming some of the challenges that you're facing in your relationship right now, both with inside of yourself and as a right. But it's also going to help you feel better. The reality is, if I don't support you in learning how to advocate for yourself, here's what you can anticipate. And perhaps you're already experiencing some of these things. If you don't gain the ability and the skill to advocate for yourself, we as human beings feel more insecure, less confident, and at times, extremely insignificant in our relationship with others. Essentially, if we don't have the ability to advocate for what we need, we invalidate ourselves, which is a big deal, because then we start to feel as though it invalidates our very existence. And if I'm always waiting in the wings for somebody to see me recognize my abilities and all of a sudden stumble across what it is I ultimately need. I'm going to be waiting and frustrated and lonely and hurt a long, long, long time. Number two, the people you love the most will really never know you. Your hopes and your dreams and your needs and your desires will be unrevealed because at the end of the day, you're the only one that knows them. This principle always makes me think of my mother. And I love my mom. And she taught me so many fantastic, wonderful things about life. Right. She sacrificed herself so much for her five children, me being the youngest of five. But when I look back as an adult, there was never a time where my mom shared with me the things that broke her heart, the things she needed the most, the things that she desired, the unfulfilled dreams or dreams that she wanted to pursue, that she did pursue, that she successfully accomplished, which left me feeling, when she passed in 2016, as if I really didn't know my mom as a person. I knew her as a mom, but I did not know her as an individual. And I think we don't spend time thinking about this. If you don't share who you are, what's important to you, what you need, what you want, what you desire, what makes you sing, if you're waiting around for other people to discover or trip over that for you, because you think you're doing the loving thing for your relationship and your family, you're really missing a huge opportunity for yourselves and others. That opportunity is you get to validate yourself and you get to teach the people in your life what you're about. And if you don't do it, nobody else can.

Yeah. And I would say that that. And I've shared this before, is really the. The most wonderful definition of intimacy is into me.

You see, I love that.

So the. Into the all of me. And if you don't reveal what that is like, Stacy shared. How will any of your loved ones truly know?

Yeah. So, number three, when, number one, you feel more insecure, less confident, and insignificant. Number two, the people in your life won't really know who you are because you're not revealing it. Right. And number three, you're not going to get your needs met, period. It's our job to teach others in our lives how to love us best. And if they don't know, expecting them to know is perpetuating that good fairy tale myth that we talked about in the beginning. It's essentially a lie. We don't know. And if you think you know what your partner needs I need you to rethink that there are things that we don't share and that we don't disclose unless we have the conversation and create the permission and safety necessary to go there. Most of us don't even know what we need. We don't spend any time thinking about what it is we want. As we talked about earlier, we bang around on the don't want. And if the don't want doesn't present itself, we think that we're all good. We don't recognize and realize that there is a whole territory to be discovered with inside of ourselves and inside of our partners. And so that takes me to the good news about advocating for ourselves. The benefits of asking are, number one, you honor yourself and your needs and this will validate yourself in a way that you are searching for right now. You're expecting somebody else to do it, but I need you to know you can do it for yourself if you'll just disclose what it is you want and need, which means you honor your existence. It's a really big deal. We can't sacrifice ourselves enough to gain the love that we are ultimately looking for. And I would add love and acceptance that we're looking for. Number two, the act of asking is almost as good as getting the outcome you're requesting. Why? Because of what I just mentioned. By giving yourself the permission to ask for what it is you truly need and desire and want in your life, you honor your existence.

Yeah. Share with. How many times have you seen in our practice, babe, where you have helped, you know, people that are at a difficult place and getting into this first piece of understanding and what it feels like and what it sounds like to ask how. How powerful is it to see their literal physiology changing? Right?

Oh, it's, it's, you know, at the core, at the crux of it all. Yes, I love to see people stay together, but the thing that makes my heart sing more than anybody is somebody truly to honor the fact that they exist and that that matters. It's important, right? That their life is important. It's valuable. And so many times we discount that value in hopes that it's going to take us to a place where we can feel the love and acceptance that all of us need and desire as a human being and realizing we can absolutely give it to ourselves. And when we flip this idea around, it really is the highlight of number three, I want to share with you, which is it becomes a great filter for finding the people who truly have the capacity to love you. Now, look, I need you to understand and know there are many people that can love you, but with inside of themselves, they don't have the capacity to show up, to be there for you.

Why?

Because they are a hot, hot mess inside of themselves. Any of you parents out there will relate to this probably better than most. Do you ever have days where you just don't have the capacity to show up for your kids but you love them dearly? Yes. You just can't meet the demand, can't meet the need, can't be present, don't have the ability to give and contribute to them in this moment. And you wrestle with that. And I need you to understand that that happens in our romantic relationships as well. I can love you, I can want to be with you. I can want this relationship to be amazing. And still when I look inside myself, I don't have the capacity nor the ability to show up for you because I inside, I'm wrestling with myself. And we get so hung up and frustrated with that idea. So when I learn to give myself the permission, the validation, and I can advocate for things that are important to me, it becomes an incredible filter by which I can find the people in my life that truly have the capacity to love me. And I can love others, but not necessarily build lives with them. It becomes a huge conversation.

Said another way, one of the many principles that we share often is we only can show up as good as we feel. So if, if, like not to be cliche, but you know, we can't start anywhere other than ourselves, as unsexy and unexciting as that sounds, actually, that's wonderful news because at the end of the day, ladies and gentlemen, last time I checked, that's the only thing any of us can really, really govern is ourselves. So get that one right and then we can start really, really connecting and loving on people in a way that we never have before.

Yeah. Now listen, we've given you a lot to think about here for a minute, so we're going to give you a second to let that all percolate and dig. And then we're going to come back and we're going to share with you a simple framework that you can follow that will absolutely help you begin this practice of advocating for what it is you want. We'll be right back.

Are you tired of sitting on a couple's counselor's couch and feeling like you're just rehashing the past, making no progress? Do you feel like you're holding on to your relationship but panicked you're losing your partner? It's time to learn how to deepen your connection. Finally, resolve the arguments that keep coming up. Understand yourself and your partner and create the level of intimacy you've been dreaming of. It's time for love to tingle your toes again, schedule your private session with relationship and expert stacy bartley@stacybartley.com checkup.

Ready to learn the most important thing you can do to revitalize your relationship today? Go to stacybartley.com fairydust staceybartly.com fairydust this is the number one thing Stacy teaches her VIP clients that has the power to improve the health of your relationship. Today. Learn how sprinkling a little fairy dust in your relationship can stop arguments in their tracks, rekindle your spark and take your difficult conversations from the struggle bus to easy street.

Do you feel like your love life is on life support? It's time for a turbocharged relationship resuscitation with an alternative to marriage counseling. Head over to staceybartley.com to learn more about their proprietary programs their clients use to save their relationships. S T A C I B A R t l e y.com visit stacybartley.com today bored with the other stations hammering.

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Hey, welcome back. You're here with Tom and Stacy Bartley in the Love Shack and we have been talking about getting your emotional needs met. We've talked a lot about don't want, do want and how those two things interplay with each other. And now we're going to give you some really incredible tips in regards to how it is to truly begin advocating or asking for what it is you truly want. Again, it's so important for you to understand that don't want that we bang around on in our relationships is only helpful if we utilize it to help us understand what it is we do want.

Yeah, and I would every episode we really try to give you things that you can take away and put into your life right now. And many times we have clients, you know, say how say that again. So literally we're putting words together. They're not confusing words. Oftentimes we find they're simply in the sequence of which we coach and teach and mentor people to use them has a very, very powerful effect. So we're going to share with you literally a sequence of words that are they're not confusing words, but in a way that's going to be very, very clear for you how you're feeling and what you're needing and for your partner, your Loved one, a family member to receive and be able to understand what it is you're asking, asking for.

I so agree. And, and you know, the benefits of learning this skill, I just want to highlight again because it's so important we, we negate these. We buy into the fairy tale story that they're just, you know, some. If you love me, you're just supposed to know how I tick. That's the sign of a soulmate. And I need you to understand that's a lie. That's a story that we continue to perpetuate again and again and again and again. The only way that somebody's going to know how to love you best is if you teach them and share with them how that is for you. There's nobody who has access to your internal world. And most of us don't understand our internal world to such a degree that then we can teach and share it. And oh, by the way, I just want to throw this out there. That's also not a set it and forget it. And the relationship realm, there seems to be this. Once I get this all figured out, we're going to be home free, you know, or once we get married, we're going to be home free.

Or once we commit long term.

Yeah, we're going to be home free. I've got this whole thing all figured out. And yeah, that's. That's not a myth we've talked about yet. But we need to is where in life is that even applicable? Have you ever found anything in your life, from the simple to the complex, that's a set it and forget it kind of a concept. I mean to the taking care of our bodies. Let's see, we need to sleep and we need to eat and we need to, you know, poop and we need to do some things that are kind of a daily activity. Right. And the house, clean, it gets clean and then it gets dirty again and then we got to clean it again. Right. My work gets done and then I have more work and then I need to do more work. There's this cyclic process in the world in which we live in, including our relationships, where this is never going to be a forget it. Right. It's never going to be a done and forget it. Put it on the shelf. We're handled now and I can get back to the rest of my life. That's a lie. It's a myth that we need to come to terms.

Yeah. So I would encourage us just to look at. For those of us, you know, usually, you know, physical or Professionally or athletically. Those are constant places of continual study and growth and mastery. Well, I would just say not to be the bearer of bad news. You know, the most complex thing we're ever going to undertake in our life is bringing our life together with other human beings. So if that's the case, then let's treat it as that to its level of complexity and understand. Yeah, this is not a set. It. Forget it. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but that just seems to be. I mean, Stacy and I've been together 10 years. We just continue to go deeper and deeper, have more complex, difficult conversations, navigate the continually never growing size and depth and breadth of our large, large family. But that's what gives you that incredible connection. It doesn't stop.

And you as an individual are not going to continue to transform and grow and become something different than you are in this, Mom. And neither is your partner. Right. And so how do you navigate that in your relationship? Because the relationship is going to change. Why? Because the two people in it are going to. Guaranteed.

So let's, let's, let's give you some things to use and say that is going to bring you together in a way. You're going to really understand each other and get your emotional, your feelings and needs met.

Yes. And I'm just going to mention these benefits again because they're so important. I'm trying to enroll you in this idea of advocating for yourself because it's going to do so much for you. You honor yourself and you validate your existence. Right. The act of asking is as good as almost getting the thing that you're asking for. And number three, it's a great filter for finding people who truly have the capacity to love you. So with that being said, let's talk about the very first principle, because when I start talking about asking for what it is you want, most people clam up as though it's a taboo thing I'm asking them to do. So, number one, I need you to give yourself permission to just try it out, try this new skill, because you're going to be nervous at first. It's not something we talk about. It's not something we practice. But that doesn't mean it's wrong. It just means you've never allowed yourself to do it before. It's kind of like anything else that you learn and do that's new. Like there's like this moment where you kind of go, I hope this works. Oh my gosh, I hope this is going to go well. I'm venturing there. And when we teach this in live workshops before the pandemic, people literally get so clamped up here, we have to give them the exact words to use. And don't worry, we're going to do that for you here as well. Right? Because we go to say it and it's so foreign to us, we don't know how to truly ask.

It's literally how to mouth those words in that sequence. And I'm being over emphasizing here, but it literally. If I could share with you how many times we're asked, could you please say that again, exactly what you just said. But therein lies the difference. We try to be very, very tactile and relevant here. Like, look, here's exactly what's going to move the needle for you quickly. So let's go. Here we go.

Number one, give yourself permission to just try. And if you need a permission slip, go ahead, email me@stacytaceybartley.com and I will email you one. Number two, we're going to preface the question when asking a good preface that will provide a measure of comfort for you is to say, do you know what I would really like to ask you for? It's kind of like you mustering up the courage to kind of go for it. Okay. Do you know what I would really like to ask you for right now?

And I would just ask you to think about when is the last time someone has asked you or shared that with you? Never. Till I came together with Stacy so many times to this day, you know, like, especially if I'm a hot mess, which is many times a day because I'm part of the human experience just like everyone else. Stacy will just look at me, stop me dead in my tracks and say, what do you need to hear from me right now?

Like, really flip of that.

Yeah.

Right. If you notice that your partner is struggling, right. Asking them how you can support them and be there for them is essentially inviting them to ask you for what it is they need. You and I had just had a conversation. We were walking our little coon dog this morning, right? Where I said, I have something that I'd really like to ask you for. And right. You said, I didn't do that. And I says, I didn't say you did. I'm asking for something that I really would like to have, you, Honor. And we had a conversation about, right. Something really simple. But these are the things that trip us up in our relationships. Washing the dog bowls. It kind of grosses me out when he puts them on the drainer. The strainer, the pad. The same pad that our dishes go on. But that's a subject for another time. And so I said, you know what I'd really like to ask you for? I'd really like to ask you to just dry those with a paper towel and put them back on the floor, not mingle them with our dishes.

And I said, sweet, my God, that's it. I can handle that, like, in microseconds, like, you know, but they're really realize, ladies and gentlemen, this is where huge fights break out over the simplest of things. So, I mean, even after all the years have been together, like I said, oh, something big's coming. I said, that's what you need. Noted that one. Well, I can handle that one, like, really fast. But literally, I mean, this is the stuff that we walk right in the same. We drink our own coffee, just like you.

So, number one, give yourself permission to try this. Number two, preface the question. Do you know what I would like to really ask you for right now? Number three, Ask. Oh, for heaven's sakes. And go for the whole enchilada. Okay. Most of us, if we do muster up the courage to ask, we're going to ask for the portion that we think we can get instead of what it is that we really want that's going to knock it out of the park for us.

So what would it be? An example what you just asked me for this morning earlier today, what would have been just like a partial ask or a baby ask?

I would. I would probably focus on the don't want. And I would say it really kind of grosses me out when we co mingle the dog dish with our dishes. And you would go, that's interesting. I wouldn't even get to what I want because I didn't know what that was.

Was. Okay.

And then when I see you doing it, because you've completely forgotten about the statement of don't want that I don't want. I'm going to lose it. And I'm going to go, I thought I told you not to mingle the dog dish with our dishes. And you're going to go, I didn't. I'm. I'm sorry, I didn't. I didn't. And then you're going to do it a third time because you're still not quite clear what it is I'm wanting. Like, wash it separately. Don't put it in the dish rack with the rest of our dishes. Dry it with a paper towel and put it on the floor. I didn't say any of that? And how many times do you think he's going to mess that up before he finally comes to that conclusion on his own? And you guys, listen, we're not talking about anything big. We're talking about little stuff. We're talking about little stuff that accumulates over time that turns into big stuff.

Yeah. Said another. We say little problem now, big problem later.

Yeah. And so unless I had laid it all out, look, here's what I'd like to ask you for. Please handle the dog dish like this. He would never know what I'm asking for. And he could really not truly commit to what it is I. I want as well.

In fact, I'll be posting a video later this evening, ladies and gentlemen. How I'm following instructions. Just kidding.

So I need you to understand the importance of asking for the whole thing. Let's use another example. Let's say I'm really secretly hoping that for my birthday you plan us a trip to Hawaii. And. And I don't feel like I can ask for that. Right. I know that we've just moved, and I know that there's been incredible expenses and, you know, so I'm just going to say, you know, it really mean a lot to me if we could just go away for our birthdays without going. You know what I want? I want us to use that airfare credit that we have, book a trip to Hawaii and get the heck out of here in the store.

Sounds wonderful.

Doesn't that sound wonderful? And even asking for that and disclosing that feels so amazing. So I want to encourage you that when you identify the want, go for it. Ask for the whole thing.

Let me just say, how about if someone, you know, I mean, being you're brand new to all this and you think, my God, I know that Stacy and Tom said to ask for the whole enchilada, but let's say, like, you just feel like there's no way I can pull that off. What would you. What would you suggest then? Just go ahead and ask for the most of what you can muster at that moment.

Well, that would be better than not asking at all. But again, you don't realize that asking for what it is you want at 100%, not, not 70, not 80, not 65, not a half, it still leaves you feeling invalidated. It kind of goes back to the acceptance and honoring of the self. Believe it or not, this whole thing really doesn't have anything to do with. With your partner and you getting what it is you want. It's about you being in a place where you value yourself, your life, and who you have the capacity to be.

And that's why you share that asking, you know, is just as. As powerful as ultimately getting it. The asking and the advocation is really the sweet spot.

Yes. Because there's a part of yourself, your soul, your emotional experience that will go, heck, yeah, that's what I want. Yeah, baby. You did it. You went the whole way. You really pulled it out of the bag. You really went for it. And that's the piece. That's the sweet spot that most of us are missing with inside of ourselves as an experience. We don't allow ourselves to go for anything really at 100%, even though it's gnawing at us, even though we're longing for it, even though we're frustrated we don't have it. We don't realize that going forward, just giving ourselves permission to ask for it at 100% is an experience in and of itself. It's really not about getting it. So go for it. Whatever that is for you, like, go for it. And you're going to realize that even if you end up with, you know, a portion, a percentage of what it is you wanted, truly at the end of the day, and it wasn't the whole enchilada, you're going to feel fulfilled because you honored yourself. Right. It's the same experience we have when we disclose simple things like what your favorite place is to go, whether that's to do art or eat or drink or connect with your favorite peeps. It always puts a smile on our face because we're validating ourselves. So number four, acknowledge. Okay, you're asking. Ask. You've asked now. You went for it. You've gone the distance. You've given it your hundred percent, and now you complete the ask by showing appreciation to the person that you're asking for. I so appreciate you taking a moment to consider my request. That's sincere appreciation. It's like fairy dust we talk about in other episodes and I'm sure we'll talk about again. It's essentially appreciating yourself and appreciating the person who's listening to your request. Now, an ask is not a demand, it's not a leverage, it's not a manipulation. It's not a control tactic. It's sincerely asking and disclosing what it is that would really make my heart sing. And that's small in words, but huge in distinction. This isn't about pushing somebody into giving what it is giving. You what it is you want, it's about sincerely allowing yourself the permission to request to ask to disclose. Then number five is stop talking. Give the person that you're asking something from space. Most of us continue to go on and plead our case, right? Maybe throw in a little bit of guilt and shame and beg. If you don't give it to me, I'm entitled to it, right? You should have to do this because. Because. Because. Because after all, I've done all of this for you so that we can entice a yes answer. Especially if it's something that I'm really attached to. Don't do that. Just stop talking. You've made the request. Now let it ruminate for them. Let them be with it. Because if they are going to fulfill your request, don't you want it to come from a genuine place? From a place of like them really choosing in to just do this, Even if it's for nothing less than just because they care about you. Let them have the moment of choice.

And many times nervousness or things we haven't done before. We get really uncomfortable with silence. Yes. So that's the power. Remember, it's a space between the notes that makes the music. So it's going to be very uncomfortable. But silence is a powerful place for this sequence.

Yes. And then the last one is check in. If you truly hit the mark of asking for what it is you wanted 100%, a funny thing is going to happen. You're going to notice that you're okay with whatever their answer is. Now listen, if you couldn't scribble fast enough to capture this, it's okay. I'm going to invite you to find a download in the show notes of today's episode titled how to ask for what it is you wanted. 100%. Don't worry, you can go there and for free you can download the six steps that I just shared with you. Because unfortunately it's time for us, us to begin to wrap up today's show. The time always goes so fast, doesn't it? So great to be here with you truly and quickly. I'm just going to go through these six steps again and then I'm going to have to bid you farewell and share with you a song that is absolutely hopefully going to resonate with the conversation that we've had today. Number one, give yourself permission to try this out. Number two, preface your question. Do you know what I'd really like to ask you for? Number three, go for the whole thing. Go for what it is you truly want, don't hold back. And then complete it by acknowledging the person that has listened to your request by saying, I so appreciate you taking a moment to consider my request. And then number five, stop talking. Give them the moment of choice. And number six, check in with yourself, because if you've truly hit the mark, you're gonna feel like, gosh, that feels so, so darn good. Listen again. Go to my website, staceybartley.com you can listen to today's show notes. You can get a download for free. And until I see you again, we're going to leave you with an incredible song by Cam. Right? And he says, if you're going to say something, say something real, which I think just highlights our conversation today. So. Well, the thing is, is we spend so much time looking for solutions that continue to elude us because, well, we keep talking about the things that don't work. We never advocate and talk about the things we want or the things that we're going to make our heart sing. And therein trips us up when we're trying to find new solutions for where it is we want to go. You can't bang on the things that don't work long enough. In order to take us to the promised land, we have to start looking at better solutions. So this song is a great reminder that if we want better solutions in our lives to face the challenges that we face, we must begin by saying, or shall I say asking for something very real. I encourage you to share this podcast episode if it's resonated with you. And until we see you again next time, know that we are sending you extraordinary love along with the power to create it today. See you next week inside the Love Shack.