Say What You Mean To Say

Hey, thanks for coming. Welcome to the Love Shack.

Hey, welcome to the Love Shack, a little old place where we get together and explore some fresh perspectives. We get to eavesdrop on some juicy conversations and uncover mysteries that nobody else talks about, but absolutely influences our relationships. If you find yourself struggling in your marriage, just starting out in a new relationship, or are single and looking to do better next time, this is the show for you. My name is Stacy Bartley and I'm here with my co host and lover Tom. And together for the past decade we've been teaching and loving on people from around the world with the soul purpose of helping individuals and couples to love more and fear less on their relationships, both with themselves and others.

Welcome everybody. Quick shout out to our podcast listeners. The Love Shack Live show, just like we are now we're live is every Thursday at 1pm P Pacific Standard Time on KKNW. That's KKNW and we bring this up.

In case you ever find yourself wanting to ask us a question or share with us live. So wherever you might find yourself in this moment, thank you so much for listening. Listening in. It's great to be here together with you inside the Love Shack. Today, our show has some special guests as we try to do bring you different conversations and topics that are going to absolutely empower you and your relationships. And we're going to be joined by Jennifer Brown, who just happens to be a communications consultant and trainer. You might get a clue in regards to where we're going with today's show. The three of us together are going to help bring you to an understanding of your peeps, maybe yourself and love and unveil the first and most important thing that we all need to do so that we can finally say what we mean to say. So Jen and I and Tom are going to be right back with an empowering conversation on the ins and outs of communication.

Are you tired of sitting on a couple's counselor's couch and feeling like you're just rehashing the past and making no progress? Do you feel like you're holding on to your relationship but panicked you're losing your partner? It's time to learn how to deepen your connection, finally resolve the arguments that keep coming up. Understand yourself and your partner and create the level of intimacy you've been dreaming of? It's time for love to tingle your toes again. Schedule your private session with relationship expertise stacey bartley@staceybartley.com checkup.

Ready to learn the most important thing you can do to revitalize your relationship today. Go to stacybartley.com fairydust stacybartley.com FairyDust this is the number one thing Stacy teaches her VIP clients that has the power to improve them health of your relationship Today learn how sprinkling a little fairy dust in your relationship can stop arguments in their tracks. Rekindle your spark and take your difficult conversations from the struggle bus to easy street.

Do you feel like your love life is on life support? It's time for a turbocharged relationship resuscitation with an alternative to marriage counseling. Head over to Stacey Bartlett bartley.com to learn more about their proprietary programs their clients use to save their relationships. S T A C I B A R t l e y.com visit stacybartley.com today you found us. Maybe you've been guided to listen alternative talk 1150.

All right, welcome back. Today we're going to jump into a conversation around saying what you mean to say in the world of relationships. This is usually what we call the greatest stumbling block of all. Last year, Tom and I had the privilege and opportunity of being in communication with over 2000 people telling us about the challenges that they were experiencing in their relationships. And far and away communication was cited as the number one thing in their relationships that they felt like they could improve and that would make a huge difference into the experience that they were currently having with their parents.

There wasn't even something a close second. We said that in unison. I think we did.

This takes me back to a story that I just want to share that I know a lot of our listeners can probably relate to. And I'm going to take the story back to my dear sweet mom who was all of 5 foot 4 and the sweetest, most incredible wise woman I know. I was very privileged and I was very grateful to have such a great mom. I lost my dad at 7 and so she did a heck of a job stepping up and helping us all be grown and raised. And about 16 years into the after death of my father, she fooled around and fell in love with a gentleman who was pretty controlling. And I kept waiting for the moment that my mom was going to be able to show up and say what she needed to say and put him in his place. And me being the wise old 16 year old that I was, I decided it was my place and I had no problem telling him, you know, what he was doing wrong and what he could do, that phrase and, you know, stop being mean to my mom. This isn't okay. And of course that created quite a bit of contention between he and I, which my mom found herself in the middle of, and we honestly nearly drove her to a nervous breakdown. And even years after I was out of the house and had moved on to my own life and kind of doing my own version of adulting, my mom continued to really struggle with showing up and saying what she needed to say to the stepfather. So now we're going to fast forward. You know, 40 years later, those two were married, in spite of us saying, mom, come on, get out. Say something. Do it differently. And quite honestly, I used to be really, really angry at her thinking, for gosh sakes, you know, pull it together and do something about this. I can tell you're miserable, you're unhappy. And little by little by little by little, she just showed up in her life and her relationship with all of us a little less and a little less and a little less. Until the last 10 years of her life, she was literally in bed struggling with dementia. And instead of being angry about that, I realized after her death that she had given me one of the greatest gifts she could possibly give me in life. And that was the realization of how important it is for us to gain the ability to show up and say what you need to say. Because if she could have done that, perhaps my stepfather would have seen the need to get help and support himself because the way he was treating and showing up with her wasn't going to be tolerated anymore.

Yeah, I would say if you look at or if you haven't had the chance to listen to last week's show, we had an incredible gentleman, Kyle. Excuse me, a powerful voice teacher and performer. So if you combine last week with this week, you know, voice and the ability to say what you need to say, you're really looking at the foundation of what's imperative in your relationships.

And I personally have struggled with this in my own life. I've been a people pleaser for a long time. I'm a recovering people pleaser. Thank you very much. And so we wanted to open up the conversation of communication today with our special guest, Jennifer. And she's a very engaging trainer and speaker. And she's founded Speaking Real Communications consulting on the belief that a strong communication communication skill set is essential to personal and professional success. Her teachings provide clients specific communication education and professional development suited to a variety of organizations ranging from academia to corporate world to health care to nonprofits. She also has a private practice of coaching as well. And she also did this really cool thing. And this was about the time Tom and I came into meeting Jennifer is she created this really cool, what she called Real Conversations Speaking series, which was a forum promoting curiosity around civil discourse, building community. And she did it at one of our little local theaters and would have these panels come in and we would have incredible conversations before COVID COVID 19, set in. She's also an adjunct faculty member at William Jessup University, and she's also a licensed leader of Women Speak circles, which assists women around the world in discovering their authentic voices and communicating more powerfully. But I need to say, wait, I know that sounds like a lot in and of itself, but there's more.

What is Jen doing?

Stop. Make it stop.

Her newest role. Let me just get this out. There's two more points I need to make. Her newest role this year is that she's the director of curation for TEDx Folsom. And the very best part I feel to me is that I get to call this incredible human being a dear friend of mine. So, Jen, without further ado, welcome to the show. Give a shout out to our listeners. Let them know that I'm really got you on the line here.

Yes.

Oh, this is so fun. I mean, I love our conversations, Tom and Stacy, anyway. But to bring an audience in and have people joining our conversation right now, listening in, or maybe they're going to end up calling in, who knows? But I just love that. I love these conversations. So I thank you guys for having me. This is going to be.

It is going to be a blast. So let's get this party started, shall we, inside the love shack. And let's begin with, you know, a little bit of your story. I've shared a little bit of mine when it comes to communication. And certainly I think that speaks to a lot of the clients that I'm privileged and honored to serve. But what personally inspired you to get involved in the work of communications in the first place? Right. And you're obviously very passionate about it. So where does all that come from? Give us a little peek into you.

Yeah, it's really the hinge. I think communication is that hinge that all relationships, leadership, everything swings upon. And you, I think, are the one that told me that we're often called into the very work we need and crave the most. Wasn't that you that told me something like that?

Yes, yes, yes.

My husband and children would probably tell you that I. They think it's hysterical that I'm in communications because sometimes I'm a terrible listener. Sometimes I don't communicate well.

You know what, Jan? I gotta confess. My family tells Me, they're blown away that I actually teach relationships because my. My. My experience in relationships has at times been a complete and utter disaster. So I totally feel you.

Yeah.

No, it's really true.

It's true.

And I just. Between my experiences in relationships, I am divorced and remarried. Between parenting, developing friendships to building a business, I just. Everything points back to communication. And we've all worked with that person or been in relationship with that person who's an abysmal communicator. And it's just so difficult. And we've all been around that other person who's a strong communicator. They're solid, they're clear, they're authentic. You know what you get. You know what you're gonna get when they say something. And there's such a glaring difference when you're a great communicator or not. And so if I can help people with that and work on those skills and equip people, it'll make everything in their life better. Personally, professionally, yes, I agree.

And just like the survey that we had shared with those 2000 beautiful human beings last year, I do want to put a plug in here. Not a plug, but a point. I want to make a point here about communications, as in the story of my mom. I, too, learned and studied communication skills. They're important. We're so needed and necessary. And I love how you say they're the hinge that makes it all swinging. And having said all of that, we have to garner the ability and the courage to show up in the first place to use that beautiful right hinge. For example, hinges don't work very well if they're not attached to the door. So you, all of us, right. And that, I think, has been one of the greatest challenges for me and the people that I serve is just giving them and equipping them with the skills that they need to show up. Right? And this is why you and I thought this conversation would be so incredible, because that's the way work that I'm passionate about doing, right? Show up. Right. Your voice matters. You matter. You count. And I know you're so passionate about that as well. And then you do have some incredible things that you teach and that you share about communication. That when I finally have mustered up the courage to share and my knees are wobbling like cheap lawn furniture, I actually can go to some skills and some frameworks that help me say and eke out the words that I need to say. And so, in your opinion, with that in mind, what do you find the Common hindrances. When I finally have a mask, the ability to go, okay, I'm gonna say something, damn it, this time it's coming out right now. I've had enough.

Right.

What do you find the common places where that shows up for people in the communication world?

Well, the hindrances I see are a. We typically make big assumptions, typically made out of fear. We get defensive. So let's say somebody says something to us or bring something to our attention, we tend to get defensive oftentimes, or we go into fix it mode. I know, that's me big time. I go into fix it mode that clearly I'm here, I've got to bring value. And sometimes somebody's bringing something to our attention because it's important to them. They want to be seen, they want to be heard. And so one of the best things we can do is suspend judgment and listen, to be curious, to really want to just understand them and connect with them as opposed to jumping to conclusions or trying to fix it or defending maybe something, I'm assuming, oh, they're coming at this because I did something wrong. And then I begin making it all about me. And so I think that's the biggest hindrance is we get a little self focused or we get really myopic and focus on one thing and start to defend it, pick it apart. And that's not effective. And really half the time it's just stopping talking. Just stop talking and listen. And I'm probably the worst at that. I'm learning, I'm getting better. But it is a real undoing. We have to almost undo our old habits and create new ones.

I so agree. And then that ability that we need to practice, it's something that we need to practice getting good at, right? I call it emotional weightlifting in the work that we do where somebody can say something that might offend you on, you know, punch you kind of in the gut for a minute, right? And it goes, oh, gosh, that. That didn't sound so great. But that makes me go places. And how do I develop the ability to kind of like take a punch and then continue to listen? I think that's the hardest part, don't you?

Well, and you always talk about the movie, and I'm sure you've talked about it here, but if you haven't, you should. It's so. To me, it's one of the most instructive things we can learn is that everybody is listening to through a filter. They're seen through a certain lens. And so you might say something and their movie that's playing in their head, their narrative is completely informing how they're hearing it. And so if we know that about the other person and that we all have these different movies playing, it's a game changer too, because you can just have a lot more compassion, understanding, grace, patience. You can relax a little and again, not jump to conclusions so easily.

I haven't taught the movie framework here, but we should have a conversation about that, huh?

Stay tuned.

Yeah, Let me just.

Just a really quick snippet on that is. Is what we like to remind people is, remember there's only one person at your movie, and you know who that is. That's you.

There's only one person in the movie theater watching the scene. Scenes play out. Get your popcorn, get your coke. This could be a horror flick. And for most of us, it really kind of is. And the other thing that's so interesting about our. Our perspectives in our movies is that we're so certain they're spot on, right? Everybody does. Everybody thinks their movie is the way it went down. And so often that's what gets us to jump to those assumptions, right, that we talk about Jen and. And that you were just talking about and, and. And jump to conclusions or get upset because something is said or done, and we're weaving it in one direction in our movie and connecting it in a narrative when another person really doesn't understand and relate to what's going on. One of my favorite examples of this is a couple of mine who. She would get mad and walk out of the room and slam the door, and she would wait on the other side of the. And what she was waiting for was for her partner to come and get her. Because in her mind and in her movie, that meant that, you know, she was cared about, she was loved, you know, she deserved to come and be comforted, right? That was the cue, unknowingly for anyone else around to come and get me and remind me that you love me and that you care about me. And her partner, what his relationship to that slamming of the door was is, get the heck out of Dodge and don't come back until I see your face again, okay? In his house, his movie was completely different. So the door gets slammed, you leave, right? You get the heck away. And then when she shows back up in plain sight, that will be the time that we get to engage. And so you can start to see where these movies create these incredibly different experiences. But we're all making up a continued narrative, hers obviously, being. You don't Care about me. You don't care about our relationship. Obviously, if you did, you would come and get me. And he's going, I'm not coming anywhere around that. That's not safe. I don't feel safe. Engage with you, you calm down and then we'll talk. And in communication. Right. With sharing our movies and our perspectives with each other, with communication skills, we can uncover that truth that changes everything. Right?

Yeah. And you know, don't you notice too, we all go out and look for the information that supports that narrative or just supports that movie or that belief system. And so, boy, that just gets in the way even more. Right.

So true. We can validate anything that we're looking for that's playing out in our movie. Right. And I know you and I have talked endlessly about this. You know, it's. Stop worrying about the circumstances. It's irrelevant, really, if we argue until the sun comes up or goes down that, you know, you should have handled a situation like X, Y and Z, it's not going to take us anywhere. And three months later, we could still be having that same conversation. You know, that's a circumstance. But what is a game changer is if you start sharing with me your emotional experience of that circumstance right now, it's more engaging and I feel a little more safe to go there. It's a little more scary for me because I'm having to be a little more real with you. Right. But it's a game changer because then with that understanding, we can decide how we're going to handle the circumstances differently.

Right?

Yeah. How does that play out in your life? I know we all go silent, Nobody talk.

I always, I always teach my, my clients. Okay, breathe deeply and the answer will come. So here, I'm going to do it.

All right.

Where's the answer? No, you know, it's. I, I think about, I personally just, I'm such a validation seeker.

I think we all are.

Yeah. And so that's what comes to mind as you're talking about that is, is the validation I'm seeking. And so then everything I communicate isn't necessarily authentic. It's to seek a validate, validating statement or it's to get reassurance. And so, yeah, getting to that place where we are starting to just a understand ourselves a little better and where we're coming from, but then also really getting curious, as you said earlier, about the other person and what's playing in their movie and just having a conversation about it, it's not right. It's not Wrong. It just is. And it just takes some of the pressure off to go, what's that? What's going on in your movie right now? And I like that phrase, what's playing in your movie right now? What are you seeing? And suddenly takes everything down a notch. And then you can just have an exchange about it, a conversation. No defenses, no attacks. I think that's huge. That's what I'm. I know. That's what I'm trying to practice myself, to be honest. Us.

You brought up some really great points here that I want to dive a little deeper into because it's so good getting to know yourself is what you said. And that is so key. And so many of us feel like the job that we need to do is to figure out other people. Like, if I could be a fortune teller in my coaching practice right now, I would. I would be making bank. Because everybody comes in and says to help me understand why they do this and why did they do that? And I. Doesn't make any sense. Can you believe they did that? And I'll say, whoa, whoa, whoa. Okay, we're looking in the wrong place. We forgotten or never been taught that? My job as a human being is to teach the people that I care about how to love me. They're never going to know unless you tell them. And unfortunately, most of us don't even have the acumen to actually share who we are with others because we've never taken the time to develop the language, right? So I need to first translate the language of me into a language that I can understand, and then that's the place where we show up. I can share that with others, right? And there's. There's many components there. But it's key because if we're going to jump to trying to figure someone else out, we don't even have access to the right information to figure them out. But the one thing we do have access to is. Is us, right? What's going on for me? What do I need? What do I need to ask for? Right? What's not working for me? Why am I feeling uncomfortable? And then to empower ourselves to share that is huge. It's everything. Just like you say. It's the hinge that everything rests on. And it's so important for us to realize that in our. In our effort to try and become the people we think others want us to be or to try and figure out somebody else, that's really not even possible, right? And we make ourselves crazy trying to do it because we do want that validation. Me too. We all love validation. It makes us feel like we're safe and we're okay. Right?

Right. And it's unfair to expect someone else to just intuit what it is we need or want. And so often we go into relationships and just expect them to get that they can't possibly. And so yeah, finding that what is it about me? What do I need? What am I about? And you and I have talked about this.

This.

I have been in a culture myself. And the way I was raised, the way I ran my first marriage, et cetera, that was. If I just focus on the other person, put myself last, focus on the other person and meet their needs, then of course they're going to do the same and our needs are going to be met. And in a perfect world, that is amazing and that's awesome. And we're serving the snot out of each other. But unfortunately a, if we don't give them a clue on how we want to be served and loved and cared for, they may be missing the mark. And then what if it's one sided? What if one person's doing all that wonderful serving and bending over backwards and putting themselves last and making sure their partner is completely happy and it's not going both ways brain would be dealing with.

Exactly. And that is such a typical scenario in our relationships. I call it the pact. You know, on the day that we decide we're gonna cement this baby, whether that be we're moving in together or we're actually gonna sign on the dotted line and get formally married. Right. It's almost like emotionally we make this pack like, okay, here's the deal. You're gonna totally forsake yourself and only focus on pleasing me. And guess what? I'm gonna do the same. Isn't that great? This is gonna go so well. Because you know, X, Y and Z, we're soulmates, we're in love. This is going to be fantastic. And it's right there, right at that prepatus of that decision that everything starts to go wonky. There is no way possible we can be successful as human beings and forsake ourselves.

Okay?

It's only a matter of time before we're going to get tired, we're going to get resentful, we're going to get angry because as we're saying, nobody knows what you need better than you do. In fact, you don't have a clue. They don't have any idea. And then when we don't have the communication skills to actually talk about why this is Feeling wonky. What do we tend to do? We tend to sit on it. Right.

And what is it? Unmet expectations are just the breeding ground for resentment.

Yes.

I mean, you just sit and have expectations, waiting for them to figure it out. And we got it. We got to help them out and communicate.

Help.

Help the other person figure us out.

Yes. And just like you, I know this personally because I've blown up a few relationships because of this very thing, thinking if I just please the pants off you, right, this thing's going to be great. And, you know, even when I was successful in pleasing the pants off some of my previous relationships, right, I'm falling apart, I'm breaking down, I'm right miserable. And then I finally go, I can't do this anymore. And they go, hey, baby, what's the problem? This is the greatest thing ever. Right?

You're right.

And I go, why doesn't this work out? And you know what's crazy is we go to that idea of, holy cow, I've got to do more or I'm broken or I'm not lovable or how come I'm not getting my needs met. And you want to talk about making up a horror picture, right? And that, ah, that horror picture prevents us from wanting to step in next time. I don't know about you, but the second time I decided I was going to embark on a real, live, committed relationship, my knees were wobbling bad. Like cheap lawn furniture. I. I had all kinds of questions.

You like that I don't want to see your lawn furniture.

You really like that phrase, I buy cheap lawn furniture and collapses. Tom's laugh. You get one season in it. You get one season in it, and then you got to toss it.

I am not going to your backyard party.

Moving on to our next question.

This might be a really great time to take a break and come back and maybe we can open up the lines. Eric, for some callers, right? Let's see what they have to say about all of this and if they completely relate to what it is we're talking about and Jen and I can maybe, you know, at least, you know, relate.

I'm sure if not, we'll just sign off and let Tom finish.

We'll be right back.

Ready to learn the most important thing you can do to revitalize your relationship today, go to stacybartley.com fairydust staciebartley.com fairydust this is the number one thing Stacey teaches her VIP clients that has the power to improve the health of your relationship today. Learn how Sprinkling a little fairy dust in your relationship can stop arguments in their tracks. Rekindle your spark and take your dip. Difficult conversations from the struggle bus to easy street.

Are you tired of sitting on a couple's counselor's couch and feeling like you're just rehashing the past and making no progress? Do you feel like you're holding on to your relationship but panicked you're losing your partner? It's time to learn how to deepen your connection. Finally, resume. Resolve the arguments that keep coming up. Understand yourself and your partner and create the level of intimacy you've been dreaming of. It's time for love to tingle your toes again. Schedule your private session with relationship expert stacey bartley@staceybartley.com checkup. Do you feel like your love life is on life support born? It's time for a turbocharged relationship resuscitation with an alternative to marriage counseling. Head over to stacybartley.com to learn more about their proprietary programs their clients use to save their relationships. S-T a C I B a R T L E Y.com Visit stacybartley.com today talk radio for the Heart and Soul Alternative Talk 1150.

Hey, welcome back. If you're just joining us, we're having a wonderful conversation with Jennifer Brown, communication consultant and trainer on say what you gotta say. We've been sharing some juicy stories with our own relational experiences and the power to communicate and the hinge that it, like hangs. I said that horribly, Jen. That's your acronym. I'm just killing it.

Communication is the hinge relationship. Swing upon.

I love that. And in order for the door to swing right, there has to be a door which is you. Is that a good metaphor? Did we, did we just crucify that anyway?

No. Better a door than a window. That's the only thing that just came.

Up for me with that welcome back. I know. No, it's great. And we're going to dive in and open our line lines up for some callers. If by chance you're out there and you want to share and you want to get some real live coaching from myself or from Jen, go ahead and give us a call in. And Eric, you know the number better than I do.

Absolutely. We'd love to hear from folks. So we have lines open at 425-373-5527. Again, that's 425-373-5527 are toll free. 888-298-5569. That's 888298. KKNW oh, man, that's a tough act to follow.

But I'll just throw in my little piece there. You can also text us and I'll use my best radio voice. That's 601-207-0080. I love it. All right, there we go.

And we're just going to continue this conversation again. I just, just want to encourage you, right. If you're out there on the fence, you know, taking a stand, showing up is one of the most challenging things we do in our lives. It really is the crux of everything.

And all kidding aside, if you're not comfortable, you can choose to call in and share a name that could be a nickname that no one would know. You could say you're from a different part of the country. Look, really. And all kidding aside, we understand this is important for safety. So you're very safe. You can choose. And that's also why we, we have a text number as well. So whatever works best for you. We really are here to serve and answer your questions.

Yeah, there's on the movie. Since it got brought up, I'm feeling inspired to talk a little bit about our perspectives, which is, you know, AKA our movies. And we real. We don't realize often that when I share my perspective or my point of view, it validates me for who I am and the way that I see things in this moment. And it's always changing. And we don't talk about the change much, but it is always changing. And so it's very rewarding when we feel like we can share our perspectives with other people. It validates who we truly are, which in the end validates my very existence. I also love that it's a contribution to others. And I want you all to know, all of our listeners out there, that your perspective is a contribution to others because of the third principle of perspective. The third principle is it can be challenging to others perspective. And that's where we get to grow. Like if you find a group of people who are in a group, think, right? And everybody's perspective is the same. I wish that right in the world that we lived in, there was a huge siren from the heavens that would blare out dysfunction. Because without somebody challenging our perspective, it becomes dysfunctional, it becomes stagnant, right? And there's nothing stagnant in the world in which we live in. So the greatest gift of sharing your story and your perspective with others is that we all get to get challenged, which is not our favorite part, but it helps expand our perspectives. Right? You have Anything you want to say about that? Yeah.

Do you know, that's part of what brought me to the Real Conversation speaker series was I was challenged on. I think it was on Facebook or something, and I'd made a comment on somebody's post and then they commented. It became one of those wars and contests of words that we all see. But this person called me just this. I was a terrible person because I made a statement erroneously and it had to do, I think, with immigration. And they really called me on it. And I was so defensive and I was defending and I was righteous. And you know what it caused me to do, though? As I thought, I am in the echo chamber. The only perspective I have is the perspective of me, the people I hang out with, the news sources I subscribe to. And then, of course, now we know all the algorithms on social media feed you what they think you want, which is already how you think. So you got this giant echo chamber. So I thought, I'm going to deliberately seek out conversations with people in my life and people I don't know that. That challenge my thinking and force me to even confront things and maybe look at my paradigm, shift it where necessary and really just understand them. But my perspectives needed to be challenged a ton. And it was one of the best things I did for me is going, I need to talk to a lot of people who don't think like me, look like me, believe like me, because I'm just caught in my own. In my own echo chamber. You know what I mean?

Oh, that's so spot on. And it's. And it's hard to do, right? We get really resistant to putting ourselves in situations. It's kind of like we were talking about earlier with that emotional weightlifting component, right? We don't want to. Ugh. Sometimes it rubs us wrong. You know, it kind of feels a little. It's kind of like having a. Some sand in your shoe or, you know, it just kind of irritates you when people aren't agreeing with us. And yet we've kind of lost our way and our ability to let that be okay so that we can expand that perspective in that movie that we have, right? And we can become more of what it is we have the capacity to be. And in my opinion, especially right now, socially, this is something that's really hard for all of us to do, right? We get so stuck in our. And our polarized opinions and points of view, which are okay, but we've lost our ability to kind of maybe entertain the other idea or perspective, even though Maybe it rubs us raw a little bit.

Yeah.

I love, and I know I use this and share this a lot, but I love, I love. I always wondered what the term civil discourse.

Well, yeah.

What does that really mean? And the best definition I've ever heard is dispassionate. Make sure you. The dis is really important. Objectivity. So, whoa, that's not an oxymoron. But I think the truly effective people in communication are masters of that. And I think we as a society have lost our way with the true capability and capacity to have dispassionate objectivity. Look, we have to remember, it's not like you're going to have to acquiesce your position. You're simply becoming curious, like you said, Jen, at someone else's perspective. Get outside of your own echo chamber, for heaven's sake. There's a lot out there.

Yeah. It's not contagious. Somebody else's perspective is not going to get all over you. You're going to be able to find your way back to your own. Right. It's just the willingness to set yours down for a moment so that you can maybe entertain the idea and be curious about somebody else's at the time of this recording. We are just coming out of a massive election here in the United States of America. And I'm not trying to turn this political at all, but one of the things that I would have been very, very challeng that I intentionally would take it as long as I could is looking at the opposing candidate that I was selecting for myself. Right. And I, I had decided early on who I was going to support and who I was going to back, but I would intentionally take it for as long as I possibly could. And some days that was like a minute and I. That was it. 30 seconds, right? Oh, I can't take it anymore. Just to develop the ability to entertain opposing ideas that didn't settle well with me. Right. That caused me to go. Right. Do you have any tips and tricks for dealing with that, Jen?

Ooh, tips and tricks. So, yes, it is seeking out. And I did this too. So we'll use the election as a perfect example. I was purposely trying to seek out information and talk to people, especially about their perspective on something or about a candidate or actually seeking out candidates and focusing on, okay, what do they stand for? And typically it was so easy to want to put people in their box and just go, okay, I know where I'm at, I know where I stand. No, I've deliberately tried to ask questions and pull things out of people and just say, hey, what do you see on this? Or where are you standing on this issue? And people want to be validated, seen, heard, respected, and I've learned a ton. It shifted me on many things because I just went, oh, I absolutely made a broad and gross assumption on this item. And I was way off. So that's what I recommend, is that people go ask questions and just say, hey, I'm just curious about this. That's the biggest thing and piece of advice I give people. Ask questions.

Yes. It's so true. And we don't realize, you know, in our capabilities of doing this. It takes practice. And the more you do it, the easier it becomes. It really is like a muscle that you're exercising. I always say, drop and give me an emotional push up, right? And it makes you sweat and it's hard. It's like, right, and you don't think you can do it, but then you do it. And then the next time, you know, you can stay in that. That rubbish. Right. A little longer, right? You can entertain. And then it gets exciting, don't you think, Jen, where you start to uncover things that you would have never uncovered before.

Like, really? Yeah.

Wow, that's incredible. But it's kind of like we've got to develop a little bit of emotional capability there, though, so that we can actually entertain the idea of somebody else's different perspective, differing perspective, shall we say.

Well, and even bringing your yourself to the conversation and being more authentic. You and I both confess to being total people pleasers. And I've spent much time wordsmithing and shifting the way I say something to make it as palatable to my audience as possible, whether it's a conversation with one person at a Thanksgiving dinner table or, you know, a whole standing in front of an audience of people. And one of the biggest things I tell people is take a minute to just. Just slow down, take that deep breath and pay attention to what you're thinking. What's your gut? What's going on? Quit the chatter. Those voices that are the people pleasing voices and the what are they thinking of me right now voices, quiet those down and just take a breath from it and go, well, what do I really think on this? What, what's my experience on it? So I think people can then bring something more authentic to the conversation as well.

I so do their selves. Right.

Um.

It really is. And what's so cool about that? And I love that you brought up the validation point again, because even if I'm sharing Something that might. Right. Make me uncomfortable. Um. I have all kinds of things that blow my mind sometimes. I'm sharing them and they were things that I swore I would never tell a living soul. And people pay me to share these now, like my, like my juicy stories, like, you know, and every time I share them, it validates, validates me and I feel better. It's freeing for us, you know, and I wish that we could have more conversations that it's okay to talk about the messes that we make as human beings. Because the reality is we are mess making machines like we are. If there's a way to screw it up, we're gonna find it, it's gonna happen, it's going down. And all of us are gonna find ourselves in situations with the people that we love and adore that We've, we've disappointed them, we've. We've write, we've hurt their feelings, we've dumped them in the soup. We've. We've made some messes as we're trying to go about day to day life. And it's, and it's. I want to say it's okay because it is okay. It's not about not making a mess. It's about learning how to come back around and clean it up and to have the conversations that matter most in moving our relationships forward as we grow ourselves into becoming who we can be. You know, it's such a great process when we can understand how it all works and get. Gain some darn skills in order to make it work.

And I, you know, it's. It's important to remember what you ladies have reminded us, you know, athletically, physiologically. I mean, look, the athlete. They are talking about breathing, slowing themselves down, becoming centered. Well, those exact same things. Guess what? You, you both, correct me if I'm wrong. Work perfectly well, especially when we're triggered. So when we have, right. When we have a lot going on. What? Just slow down and breathe. Why? Because that slows our brain down.

Right?

We have to slow everything down. That's what the best athletes do. They're able to get themselves into a zone and everything else becomes less important. You know, so we're just, you know, we are living amongst triggered times right now for sure.

Yes, it's true what you said about just owning your stuff and telling the horrible stories. People that stuff up and they, because they relate, they resonate and they go, oh my gosh, you're so real. I love that. And it's true because think about it. The perfectly curated life Whether it's on social media or when we have a conversation with someone and we give the impression that everything is perfect and fine, it's just not accurate.

So true. There's nothing perfect about us, is there?

No. And so why even. Why, why, why? So.

Because we've been taught we need to be perfect in order to be loved.

I know, I know.

Well, so, Jenna, I think it's time for us to talk about our special surprise today that we have for our listeners, don't you? I think this is the perfect time. Jen and I have cooked up a plan here for our listeners, specifically on this radio show. And because so many of our relationships are overdue for some insight and some understanding when it comes to saying what it is we really mean to say. So Jen and I have an extraordinary workshop with all the necessary need to know principles for communication in our relationships that we want to share with you. And we're so excited to do this. This is like unveiling our new little baby, right?

Oh, my gosh. It's gonna be so fun. It's gonna be ridiculously fun.

And we specifically designed it to give you the most crucial principles laid out in a fun and easy to understand format that is easily implemented into our lives. So it really is something that can get you from zero to feeling better quickly. And it's ready for anyone who finds themselves saying right now, time's up. Okay. I've been thinking about improving my communication. I've been thinking about trying to get better at showing up. Right. I have this little voice inside of my head that says, say something, something, say something. And I never do. I. I can't get myself to do it. Or I realize I'm speaking up all the time, and I'm yelling and screaming and driving the show, and everybody thinks I'm a jerk or an a hole, right? And then I run back to my hidey hole feeling bad about how this all went down. So if you're finding yourself in that situation, all you need to do is get started. And in four weeks, your life is going to be transformed. You're going to understand something. Things about yourself. I know. Isn't that incredible? I think between the two of us, we've pulled out our best stuff here, and we can take you from zero to right spectacular in a very short period of time. So I want to share some clues that this workshop might be an incredible next step forward for you. Okay. And Jen, you can chime in here, too. I'm just going to wrap it up.

Yeah. And this is all Relationships. Not just love relationships. Any relationship 100% involving humans.

Yeah.

So number one, if you're attempting to get your point across to your friends and family, but you find that all you're doing is hurting their feelings, this might be a good time to step in and do something about it. Number two, if you tend to feel misunderstood and taken for granted a lot, this might be a really great time to turn that around. Number three, instead of listening to others in a conversation, you find yourself speeding ahead in your thinking or in your movie, like we've talked about. And you're installing instead formulating your rebuttal or your response instead of actually listening. Do you do that?

Me forever. That I'm. I'm still trying to overcome that horrifying habit. But that was me forever.

Me. I would just shut down and please you. And inside I'm raging like you son of a. You know what? I'm going to spit in your coffee cup tonight. That is it.

Well. And you missed the gift.

We're so healthy.

Yes. And you miss the gift of being present, too. I mean, all of that is, you know.

So there is no way I'm going to ask you a question or give two rips about what you're thinking because I am all fired up and can't hear a word you are saying.

Yeah.

Right. All of those things might be a great sign that. Right. And you know, you're going to be hanging out with some real peeps who know what it's like to be there and to work with that. Right. That's the gift that we can all bring to the table. We're not going to pretend like we have it all together. We're not going to pretend like we have it all figured out. We're real human beings having a real conversation and we're here to give you some real skills for real life. That's a whole lot of real right there.

Hey, real.

Are you playing on my tagline? Because I like it if you are real, relational, engaging, authentic life.

I am. That is the last one I'm going to share that we can probably all relate to is having a difficult time showing up to say anything. Kind of like I was just describing or kind of like my mom. The story that I shared. I see a lot of incredible people who have an incredible contribution to be made into the lives of the people they love the most. And it's unfortunate that it doesn't get contributed. Right. Everybody would benefit. Everybody would benefit.

And drawing those. Can I dovetail off that and drawing those people out so one of the aspects of, I think workshop one that we're doing is on communication and personality spectrum. And one of the things in that workshop, I always point it, we have people who are more on the introverted end of the spectrum and we have more on the extroverted. So many times that introverted person around us who's at that staff meeting or at the dinner table or driving in the car next to us and they're not saying something and we assume, oh, they have nothing to say or they don't care or they have nothing to offer. No, sometimes it's asking them. First of all, a more introspective person is not going to fight for the floor if there's five people arguing and talking over each other, all extroverts, of course, I'm one of them. And they're just going, dude, I am not jumping in the fray there. It's just not worth it. I don't have to fight to be heard here. But asking those people in our lives who are perhaps more introverted, hey, what do you think on this? Their insight is golden because you know what? They're the ones one sitting and truly listening and taking everything in and weighing it. And then when they speak, oh, it's typically gold. That's one of the, that's like an example of that.

That's a, that's a tremendous point, Jen. I mean, I'm, I'm navigating that as we speak right now. Hello, my name is Tom. No, I'm just. But all kidding aside, that introvert and the circus. Yes, I mean, but, but I mean there is a lot of wisdom and a lot, a lot to be drawn out with the expertise that Stacy and Jen are going to be teaching. And with you said a lot of people, we won't, I won't, I won't try to. I mean, I'm blessed to live with this incredible woman, all kidding aside, but me, that's just not. But if you ask me and you have the skill set to draw it out of me, I'd love to get in this. But, but Jen, that was very, that's very important. And I think there's a lot of people think, ah, I'm just going to acquiesce. It's not that important anyway. The heck it's not not.

And they, and they need to be, they need to be valued that way. He's always saying, honey, go figure that out, honey, go handle that, honey. And I'm like, you know, but, but also, sometimes I take charge and, and I Shouldn't.

Right.

I forget to ask. So to get all the juicy details about this workshop and to sign up, Simply go to stacybartley.coms T A C I B A R T L E Y. You got to get that Stacy part right dot com. It will have all the juicy details and you can get signed up there. And we're also offering a really big, hefty, almost 50% discount on this first round. So take advantage of that. Jen, any last words before we start to wrap up? Unfortunately, it's time for us to go.

I know. Oh, let's do it again. And this was so fun. I loved being with you and just so excited. I know there are people who joined our conversation. Whether they call in or not, not they joined the conversation. And I'm so glad because this is, this is the dialogues we need to be having and we all come away a little better for it and I'm sharpened. So I think you guys, you guys are awesome. Tom, you have anything you'd like to add?

Good job.

You know, all kidding aside, these two ladies are awesome. And the important thing is, you know, relationships, communication, these are kind of things that are very easily to, ah, you know, I'm good, I'm good. You know what, let's just be honest, ladies and gentlemen, we're not good. You know, I mean, so Stacy and, and, and Jen are going to make this very, very fun, very interactive. This is not like blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, you know, kind of a thing because that doesn't do much. So I am biased, but it's real. So it's going to be interactive. It's going to be a safe place. It's going to be very, very powerful and you're going to be able to take away what you're learning and put it into your life very, very quickly.

And Tom will be there, there. Just so you know, we'll be holding space in the background.

All is well with the world now.

So. So, Jen, also, I want you to be able to give out your website in case people want to just connect with you personally. Right. And, and check out the work that you do too.

It's easy. Bean real me www.bean b e I n g real r e a l.

Me I love that. Well, guys, that's it for today's episode of Love Shack Live. Thank you so much for listening in and we so appreciate you being here with us on the Love Shack. I do want to give a shout out for what's coming up next week. We have a very special surprise to help us begin planning our Thanksgiving feast. For those that we love, we're going to have a master winemaker, Dr. Grover Lee from Wise Villa Winery here in Lincoln, California.

Our favorite place to go.

I know, it's incredible.

We go to. We go to Wise.

Oh, it's good wine and it's good food.

He does both.

And he's going to be sharing with us that romance between food and wine. So stay tuned to that. I know you're gonna have to. I know. And he's incredible like you. So thank you again, guys. I appreciate you listening in. And, Jen, thank you so much for taking some time out of your day today. I so appreciate and love you.

Thank you.

If you've enjoyed today's Everyone. Yes. If you've enjoyed today's show, we're going to ask you to please share it with others and subscribe and review the show so we can all get a little bit better in serving our listeners and getting more clear about what you need. And we're going to let our song kind of wrap up the whole thing. And what could be more appropriate, guys.

My favorite song then.

Oh, I love this song. John Mayer, say what you need to say.

So solid. Stacy.

Bye. Good job. It's a great theme song, don't you think, for our conversation today? It's perfect.

Thanks, everybody.

Good night, everybody.

Bye, everybody.