Three Men & A Woman: A Surprise Journey

Hey, thanks for coming. Welcome to the Love Shack.

Hey.

Boy, do we have a great show for you. Welcome to the Love Shack today, guys. It's a little old place where we can get together, explore fresh perspectives, eavesdrop on juicy conversations, and uncover mysteries that nobody talks about, but absolutely influences our relationships. So if you're struggling in your marriage, just starting out in a new relationship, or are single and looking to do better next time, this is absolutely the show for you. My name is Stacy Bartley, and I am here with my co host and lover, Tom. Together for the past decade, we have been teaching and loving on people from around the world with the sole purpose of helping individuals and couples to love more and fear less on their relationships, both with themselves and others.

A quick shout out to our podcast listeners. The Love Shack Live airs live every Thursday at 1pm PST. I'm sharing that with you. So if you ever would like to join us live, ask us a question, text us a question, we'd love to have you. But wherever you are today, we appreciate you taking time out and listening to us. And as Stacy said, we have a really fun, unique episode today.

Yes. Yeah. Tom and I are going to be joined by, believe it or not, our immediate family. And when I say this, I mean the people we live with. Okay. See, our home life is a little bit different than the typical modern family.

How?

You may be asking. Well, because Tom and I live with his two brothers, it's me and three men. Or shall we say, three men and a woman. We're here together today to share with you the good, the bad, and the challenging dynamics of living together as a family. We do this in honor of all families on this Thanksgiving Day, as it is our hope that our stories and the principles that we have discovered along this journey will help us all pave the way to more love and less fear in our lives. We'll be right back.

Feel like your love life is on life support? It's time for a turbocharged relationship resuscitation with an alternative to marriage counseling. Head over to staceybartley.com to learn more about their proprietary programs their clients use to save their relationships. S T A C I B A R T L e y visit stacybartley.com today. Are you tired of sitting on a couple's counselor's couch and feeling like you're just rehashing the past and making no progress? Do you feel like you're holding on to your relationship but panicked you're losing your partner? It's time to learn how to deepen your connection. Finally resolve the arguments that keep coming up. Understand yourself and your partner and create the level of intimacy you've been dreaming of. It's time for love to tingle your toes again. Schedule your private session with relationship expert stacey bartley@staceybartley.com checkup.

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Today.

Learn how sprinkling a little fairy dust in your relationship can stop arguments in their tracks. Rekindle your spark and take your difficult conversations from the struggle bus to ease Easy street.

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Hey, welcome back. If you're just joining us, I have invited my immediate family, meaning the family I live with today, to be on the show to share with you some of the stories that we've discovered in our decade long journey together. And before we jump in and bring our family on here, I feel like we need to give them a little background. Right. How we all came together, our relationship with Tom, my relationship with Tom began about 600 miles apart. I was in Utah and Tom was in Sacramento. And Tom resided in Sacramento with his older brother at the time, very much older. And when the time came for Tom and I to merge our lives, it was decided that I would move to Sacramento and live with Tom and his brother Jim. Now, you have to know in this moment that we planned on that being about a six month to a one year journey, you know, just enough time to kind of get our feet under us, so to speak, and then decide where it is we wanted to go from that point on. Two months after moving to Sacramento, when I moved to Sacramento, Tom's younger brother was facing a divorce and then he moved in with us as well. Again, I'm sure we're going to hear from him, but thinking that this was just going to be a few months to a year until he too could get his feet under him, much to the surprise of us all, that was about 10 years ago. We came together to share the challenges we faced and there was unexpected gifts that came from living together in this beautiful house, in this beautiful home, in our beautiful community. Now, I'm going to be honest with you. There's been absolutely some challenges and some difficult conversations that we've had to navigate through, but some of the lessons that we learned we want to share with you in the Hopes that just like they've been a contribution to us, that they'll be a contribution to you as well. I mean, after all, I'm a firm believer that if we can do this, so can you. So I'm going to allow them to introduce themselves with their voices. We have at the top of the food chain or the family chain, so to speak. Jim, who is the oldest member of the household. Jim, go ahead and say hello.

Hello, everybody. Nice to be on the show and really appreciate it.

Yeah. So then we have David, and the family must know calls him Woody, because if we don't disclose that right now, you're going to get all confused about who we're talking about as we share. And this is Tom's younger brother. So, Woody, go ahead and say hello.

So great to be back on the show for a second time. And I am the baby brother, and without the others being jealous, of course, the favorite son.

Of course. You have to throw that in there.

Of course.

Everybody has their story, and I want.

You to know that I claim these amazing human beings as my brothers, too, even though I came into this by relationship and marriage. So welcome, everybody, to the show. Let's get this party started, shall we? And this question being asked right out of the gate in the beginning, when we were all coming together, I'm curious as to what your greatest concerns were, and how did you think that this was gonna go way back in the beginning. Whoever wants to go first?

Well, I think this is Jim speaking. I think, Stace, when you initially came into the house, when it was just Tom and I, you know, having a lady amongst us, two men, and also you were bringing a dog into the fold as well, and we already had a couple dogs, you know, just hoping that everything would match and it'd be cohesive, you know, because, of course, I didn't know you that well, and having additional people under the roof, seeing how that would go.

Yeah, you were a little nervous, so to speak, huh? Did your armpits get sweaty?

I don't think to that extent, but I was pleasantly surprised.

Oh, that's awesome. What about you?

You know, I think, as I shared when I was on your show, whatever period of time it was, that in that moment that I came, I was in a. Not only at the edge of a divorce, but also in the throes of an acute, really nervous breakdown, having attempted suicide. And so I came to the home, like you had mentioned, assuming it would be on a temporary basis. And it's difficult to even remember beyond just trying to take in A moment at a time, what my expectations were. I couldn't see literally past the end of my nose at that point. And in reality, this place, without jumping ahead, has become and remains an extraordinary sanctuary for me.

Yeah. What about you, babe?

Oh, gosh, that's a great question. Just. We'll add that David's been. He's our only two time guest on the show so far. So that's episode number two for those of you who want to catch David when he visited us for episode number two.

But.

You know that I'm not exactly sure other than it was the next best option for us and you and I had decided we originally said we were going to wait five years before we were going to come together and you know, long distance relationship that will have to be a podcast for another time, a show for another time.

Quite make it, did we?

No, no. You know, just, just concern, you know, just, you know, concerned that it would go and everyone would be able to be honored, acknowledged and appreciated. We say in our body of work that's at the end of the day, that's really all, all that every one of us is asking as a human, those three things. So how about you?

Yeah, I don't know, I just thought it was going to go well. I just assumed that it would go well. Right.

Well, maybe share with the audience. You have very close relationships with, with your brothers as well. So I would say that would. That's a good.

Three biological brothers. And I've always done really well with, with men in general. Right. They usually turn out to be my good friends and such growing up. I mean, not that I don't have close girlfriends as well, but I didn't have any concern about the men in the house. Thank goodness. You know, three men and one woman. When people ask me what my home life is like and I tell them that I live with three men, the answer that I get back is always the same. Oh, I'm so sorry. Sorry. Why? You know what? I haven't mopped a floor. I haven't done yard work. I haven't. I mean, some of them even fold my laundry. I mean, it's not such a bad gig, I'm telling you.

So some would. The gents are kind of fastidious.

They are a little bit fastidious, which I'm sure helps. Which leads me to number two, which has what has been one of your ongoing challenges to navigate by living together.

You know, to be honest with you, Stacy, I think for the most part it's been a wonderful experience. In fact, I know we've all spoken and because we were going to be splitting up in the near future, it's very, very much saddens me. And so whatever disputes there have been, it's been so minimal that it's really hard to even highlight on it.

What about through the dating? What about through the dating?

Dating?

Just when you were dating.

You mean going out on a date and sharing your.

Your home situation when the time was appropriate. Oh, oh.

As far as explaining that to the person I'm going out with.

Yeah.

Well, that was interesting. You know.

You say what?

I think that was a huge red flag as far as they were concerned, you know, oh gosh, you're living with two brothers and a sister in law. What's going on? But as you all know, of the few people that I brought over, they were of course extremely surprised and very much impressed with what was taking place. A much different reality of what they were thinking was going on.

Yeah, it's so true. I mean, I can only imagine, you know, I didn't have to navigate that nor Tom. Right, you didn't have to navigate that.

Dating just when you weren't looking.

I think the biggest safe thing that was concerning for me initially and I think that David will confirm or Woodrow confirm with that. Is your puppy dog.

Yeah, yeah. The one that so bonded and almost. I'm lost into the two of you, by the way.

Well, we were thinking more about the nutritional side.

That's an inside story for our listeners. Guys, I came across with a coon dog and some bag and a bag of food and it wasn't smiled upon nicely over here. They thought that the food I was feeding my dog was very substandard and so they needed to make sure that not only did I improve the food quality, but the treats quality. And now I don't buy any treats for my dog. These two collaborate behind my back to spoil the dog topper and treats and etc. Etc. So of course the dog is not interested in anything I have to offer anymore. Right.

So how about you? How about you, Woody? What was your. What was your. How did you navigate that as far as sharing your home life?

Well, back up and just to answer Stacey, Tom's original question on you know, what's been the most challenging and without it sounding too Pollyanna for the. The audience, because we certainly want to make this real and I'm sure Stace will point to the fact that we want to just like this can really happen. It's a possibility. You know, if you look at percentages the percentage of times that we. You can't even say that we've ever been in conflict. I mean, there's literally never been a raised voice in this house. And so we'd have to really nitpick down to minutia to find out, well, okay, yeah, maybe that was a little irritating. But if you compare that to. Once you go out into the world and find out, like annoyance with a capital A, there's just nothing to compare. And then to go to the question about dating at the beginning, like Jim said, I had a great reticence to share with people where I lived. Not that I was hiding anything, but at the time, I was in my early 50s, and I had made it up in my mind that I should be at some point of accomplishment and status. I had had a house, I lost it. So I had a certain amount of shame, which was my own story. But the longer I was here and the more grounded I became in this incredible relationship with the three of you, I was not only happy to talk about it, but I would actually go out of the way to mention it. And I had never, at least not to my face, had any response that was anything but. Like Jim had said, like, wow, this is amazing. I mean, people would walk into our home and there is a vibe here that is very. You could really feel it.

Absolutely. And this would be a really fun moment then to maybe look at what are some of our most memorable moments and surprises from this experience. Right. I mean, I don't think anybody in the family, you correct me if I'm wrong, felt like it was going to go like it has. You know, we all had a kind of our concerns about how long it was going to be or. Right. How we were going to have to maybe tolerate it. You know, let's be honest, as adults, we kind of brace ourselves for situations like this. And most people would talk about it being, you know, oh, we're just going to do this, you know, for six months or a year. And I know when I share with people what my circumstances are, they're mesmerized by it. Like, how do you do that? And why do you continue to do it? And you say, well, because it works. Right. We get to share expenses, we get family support. It's a great place to be. And there's so many wonderful memories and moments that are such surprises. And to me, from this whole experience that I think it would be fun to talk about those.

Yeah. And I. Especially right now where we are. If you're listening to this, you know, on Thanksgiving or certainly shortly around this time period. You know, we, all of the families around the world are literally, you know, looking at circumstances and situations and living conditions, I would sense that they haven't before. So rather than, like Stacy shared, bracing for it in our body, where we like to say, how about if you were to turn and literally lean in, what might be able to be created? So hopefully this is the, you know, what. What we share today with you all, it gives some possibility to. Because we're all navigating, you know, working and living in school situations unlike we've ever had in our. In the history. If you're alive today would be my sense.

Yeah, I love the saying that says we're not working at home, we're working with home. And when we work at home with others, that means we work with others as well as all the other tasks and responsibilities that we're trying to put on our plates. Right. And I know that emotional boundaries can get crossed and feelings can get hurt and, you know, you've got to account for others, but. But it's worth it. You know, it's. It's absolutely worth it. Which is why I wanted to highlight and share some of our most memorable moments and continued memorable moments and maybe some surprises that we didn't expect to experience from this. I know there's many for me, but I talk a lot more than everybody else, so I'm going to be quiet and let you guys kind of share for a minute.

Well, I mean, one of the things that I shared with you all before, which is an absolute accurate statement, is that I travel more than any of the rest of you, and when I have to stay overnight on business, I always look forward so much to coming back home to the house because the feeling that is inside and the energy that you feel and the camaraderie and love is unprecedented. And, you know, even though I'm staying in a nice place and it's comfortable, it's nothing like being at home. So I really relish that all the time.

And I just remembered a funny story that I will share. So obviously your beautiful grandchildren are here, the six of them, and have been here since the beginning. And you will probably remember this, that for a short period of time I was dating a woman named Heidi. And we didn't date that long, probably a couple of months. And I had brought her over to the house and she too, like Jim had mentioned, we've all mentioned it was. She was so taken. Well, that relationship ended and then I had the amazing privilege to be in Relationship with a woman who I was together for five years, Carrie. So the first time I brought Carrie to the house, as soon as we rounded the corner, the grandkids happened to be there. They said, heidi, it's so good to see you. Oh my God. I wanted to run away at that moment.

You definitely have an mo Woody, don't you? Blonde hair, five foot six.

In all fairness, we'll share with the listeners, the audience. There was, you know, there was some, some, some likeness that, you know, you could, you know, those two ladies, you know, had some, you know, you know.

So they did both very, very pretty and yes. So just, you know, you want to make a good impression and you know, you, you move past that point. Okay, well, I'm going to introduce Carrie to the family. And then here's the other part of the. For I don't know how long Karen and I were together for five years in a great relationship and probably maybe within six months, she said, well, I got to tell you something. I'm like, okay. She says, I know Heidi, Heidi's daughter had gone to school with one of Carrie's daughters. I'm like, wow, that whole thing. So it's just one of those funny light moments amongst an incalculable number that happens in the safety and the sanctuary of our home. It's just, it has been the place where life can happen. And when I describe our place now, I talk about, you know, the fact that four 50, 64, 50 to 60 year olds are living together. But it's, and there really hasn't been a raised voice in the household. But then I quickly qualify, says, a lot of life happens in this house. You know, it's not a, it's not a museum like environment. I mean, there are kids and dogs and people and neighbors and businesses and all kinds of things happening in this space all the time. And yet somehow in the creative aspect, our relationship with the universe, there is this safety the likes of which I have never experienced until I came here.

You know, you guys all brought up the grandkids and so I feel like it might be good to assess for us to share a little bit about the grandkids just so that people can see, okay, look, this isn't a Pollyanna situation. We've navigated some pretty challenging things. And these are my biological grandkids and they came to Sacramento maybe eight weeks or maybe 12 weeks after I had moved here with Tom. So imagine being in a brand new relationship moving in with a brother that, yes, we're just getting to know and you're kind of settling into a new space, and you get a call from your daughter one day saying, mom, I'm in the women's shelter with all of the kids. Can you come and get me? And I remember sitting down on my bed thinking, wow, okay. Unbeknownst to us, right? I mean, we sensed that things were kind of different and weird. But she kept reassuring me that she was happy and that it was all okay. Long story short, she needed to be rescued from a domestic, violent relationship. So I immediately jumped in the car, went to Utah in the middle of the night, pulled her out of Utah, and we drove all the way back to Sacramento with five kids in tow and pregnant with number six. So when we arrived at Sacramento, you can. To say the least, this was a big problem for us to take on is an understatement. And it was going to impact us all. And one of my most thankful things is that I wasn't left standing to manage this decision on my own, that not only did Tom rally to my aid, but so did these two brothers at whatever I needed. And I cannot tell you what an incredible gift that has been to not only me, but my daughter and those beautiful grandkids. So the grandkids that they talk about running in and out of the house or planning celebrations for or being thoughtful and giving them a safe place to be is these kids. And they have played a huge role in our lives, right? So. And they are fabulous. The contribution in guys shows. It shows every moment of every day that they, too have been able to step in and find a safe place where they're loved and supported unbelievably, unconditionally. And that's such a generous thing for you guys to have done.

And also, Stacey, what an illustration to see and watch how Brill interacted with her children.

Well, and we hear it. I mean, you know, Heidi said it, Carrie said it, My beloved. Now Summer says it, that when just you, you've not met six children like this before. And so it's not just them living under the incredible, sacred loving umbrella of their mom, but it's also you and Tom and what you've done as well. And then Jim and I making our contributions in our silly uncle way that it just. It's fascinating. I mean, having run the animal sanctuary for as long as my former wife Deanna and I did, animals that came, we watched what the transformation of them from hopelessness to hopefulness, because the whole of who they were, their body and their mind and their spirit, were cared for. And so I look at the grandkids and coming from the horror that no being should ever be exposed to. And yet their transformation has been nothing short of remarkable. And I see them as embodiments of hope that the lives that they will go on to change because of what you and Tom and Brill have done and whatever Jim and I have offered, they will change and impact lives. And the ripple effect of who they are will go on in perpetuity.

I love that. I love that thought. So, yes, that has been, and I'm sure will continue to be one of my favorite moments of surprise that you stood with me and continue to. And continue to invest in when it would have been so easy and so normal and so logical and so okay for both of you, all three of you, quite honestly, to go, hey, this ain't my circus, ain't my monkey. Right? This ain't my show. Figure it out. You know, and. And I don't fault anybody who maybe finds themselves in that place, but just know I am so, so grateful. As I said, you continue to stand and support and love those kids, and I know now they adore and love you. And it's as though it had always been at this point, yeah, I would.

Say a similar but a different, you know, part of the life journey is in 2015, about mid-2015, we're able to have our mom and stepdad come and live with us and was, you know, at the end of her life journey. And the fact that we were all living together was such a bonus. And she was literally. Our mom was literally blissed out and so thankful every day. She spent about six months with us, and she got to be with three of her four. There's one other brother that we love and love dearly outside of California. And so she was able to spend literally every day, you know, with her three, three of her four sons, a part of every day. One of us was usually always right around as well as Stacy, you know, was. Loved her just like her own mom. And I know she shared with us. She was just, you know, incredibly blissed out. And not long after she left, mom made her transition. So what a gift I always say to. I have such complete, you know, there's completion around my mom, you know, leaving the Earth because I got to spend so many wonderful moments with her for many months. I don't think many of us as adult children are able to do that.

And I think there's so many families out there right now that are trying to navigate, you know, raising their teenage and high school School age children and caring for their elderly parents. And, you know, because we all live together, right. In the household, there was always someone there, right. It never felt like a tremendous burden at all because there was always somebody that was willing to step in. And I can't even imagine, as a mom, what it must have been like to be with three of your grown kids all at the same time at the end of your life. I mean, what.

That would be my wish and hope for everybody, if that's what you wanted to do, that you would be able to be able to act on it. I mean, you know, just the way that it worked. The genius of the universe allowed us to all be here. And one of us is usually home. We have very different schedules, all of us, but one of us was usually always around. I remember midday, I would usually have lunch with mom, you know, just sit there and be with her and visit with her. It was incredible.

Well, and just the opportunity to share the burden, right, guys? I mean, you know, we feel like we have to take this burden all on and. And gosh, you know, maybe there's some other cultures that have this differently. And that's been a huge realization coming into our family dynamic here over the years as, wow, there's something wonderful about being able to share the burden of life. Right. And the challenges that it presents and that I don't have to solve these things all by myself. Right. That there's this plethora of, you know, humans that will help support me in making those decisions. Right. And sharing the burden of like aging parents and household chores and groceries and, you know, that's been something fantastic, I would say as well. What about you guys? Anything that's coming up for you guys?

Well, one of the things that I will always relish and cherish is that many times in the period of time we've all lived together because we do have such different schedules that as we would be coming in sometimes during the day, we would be sitting down at the kitchen table and maybe there would be initially two of us and then within an hour or two that all four of us are sitting down and make it a long term, just enjoying each other's company, talking about the day's events and just. Just really having a very nice, enjoyable period of time together.

Yeah, we just did that last night, didn't we?

Yeah, we did. Yeah.

When you think about, you know, it's interesting with everything that's going on with forced isolation and social distancing, you know, I've noticed of late the cumulative stress of COVID has. Has impacted me when I. And probably it's just. It's all about the uncertainty. But in all these months, I've never felt isolated. And because as Jim had said, we said there's always at least one other person home. And that's the primary connection in the space of being connected. That's the exact opposite of being isolated. Belonging is what is a core need for all of us. And I think we could have put a big bee outside of our house. Not just to reference Bartley, but also this is the house of belonging. Come to this place to be fed not just of mine, but also of body and spirit, so that you can truly transform. To leave time in our home feeling filled up.

That's great. You know, Jim, you had mentioned something about celebrations and gatherings and get togethers, right? Those are. Those are. Were birthed. As we all came together and the kids came together, we wanted to have a celebration where we could acknowledge everybody on their birthday. And being that I teach a lot of relational stuff, one of my favorite principles to teach is that of fairy dust, which means we all long to feel heard, appreciated, and that we matter. And so I cooked up this idea that I think initially everybody was like, now what are we doing again? I cooked up this idea that you get a special plate and you get a special place Matt on your birthday and you get a set at the head of the table and everybody's a beautiful gl and everybody gets to go around the table and acknowledge and appreciate you for who they see you to be and the gifts and unique talents that you have and to just remind them that we do see them and that we appreciate them and that they truly matter as a member to our family. And I mean, I'll let each of you speak for yourself, but for me, that was. It worked so well, so well that the kids would say, okay, when is my birthday? I want to do this. I want to, you know, gosh, don't miss it. Right. Some of the grandkids, kids, you know, we've had to kind of skip birthdays or delay the celebration on the actual day, saying, k now you're not going to forget, you know, Nevaeh, you're not going to forget Tragun. Right. It became this, this thing, this piece of foundation to our family collectively when we gather together to. To be acknowledged and to matter. Which just kind of highlighted to me how much that really.

Yeah, that's probably one of the most fascinating things that, you know, you just can't refute, you know, you know, sacred Ritual, I guess would be the best way that I would describe it and how I think, think it's so overlooked and maybe not given time for in this busy life that we all lead now, to see the, the, the young, you know, grandkids, you know, developing just an incredible appreciation and thirst for it is fascinating. So. Meaning it's the ultimate confirmation that again, don't think that these things don't matter. They do matter. And the consistency is the genius of it. It really is.

Well, you know, and what really comes to mind, the youngest grandchild, Dakari, known as Bubba. His last celebration in the acknowledgment. I don't know if you guys remember, but we all were going around and when it got to his mom, really what she said just broke him down. I mean, remember he just started crying. He was so touched by what his mother said. That was so touching. Do you guys remember that?

Yes.

There wasn't a dry eye at the table.

Yeah.

And what a gift it was to me to watch these kids acknowledge their brothers and sisters, like at young ages, like three, able to talk, four, five, right. The minute they could talk, they wanted to participate and to watch them in their, in their words as best they could, acknowledge their mother, their brother, me, all of us. Right. And sometimes it was just a simple, hey, I love you, happy birthday. But, but sometimes, boy, just like you're describing Jim, I mean, not a dry at the table, as you could tell. He got so choked up and didn't know where to begin. Telling his mom how much he loved her and appreciated her. And he finally just kind of collapsed in her arms, didn't he? It's just like he couldn't take. It was like he was so overwhelmed, he didn't know what to do with it.

And I those, I mean, both as the giver and the receiver of that, you know, my birthday begins the birthday year in January and I love it. And part of it is, you know, having lived with depression for as long as I have, the biggest ailment that I encounter is an attack on my self worth and do I make a difference and wouldn't everybody be better off without me? And all those things and to hear from the people that I'm closest with, including my beloved summer and her babies, things that I never knew that I had done, maybe not even being fully conscious of it, certain having no memory how the impact that it made on other people or, or, and how they saw me. And you know, those statements, they stay with me. And on the toughest days, you know, ideally My mind will recall one of those things that any one of you have said and just like, wow, it's. You know, imagine. Tom had alluded to this. Imagine if every family did this, even if it was just once a year, that every person had a chance to just be loved and acknowledged and reminded who they are. Give them examples of how they show up in the world. I mean, I think a lot of the challenges we would have as people in countries and counties and everything else would dissipate rather quickly.

Mm. Well, and I have to admit, you know, we first started this as an adult. It's kind of difficult for you to let it in, Right? Because we're so taught to, like, push it away and. And go, oh, no, no, no, really, that's. That's fine. But that. But when I even started, like, sitting with it and getting it all over me and really taking in what the people that are around me and that I love the most were saying and acknowledging about me. Right. I love what you said, Woody, because it does become part of what you reach for when you're having a struggle, where you're questioning or doubting yourself. Right. These people that are in your life have reminded you of your own brilliance and significance and that, if nothing else, I matter to them. So I must be okay. Right? I, too, love it. I've gotten to a place where it's like, oh, it's my birthday. It's incredible. Well, listen, I think that what we're going to do now is take a break really quickly, but when we come back, we're going to talk about some of the things that we feel have led to us being able to create this experience together that has allowed us to overcome some incredibly impactful challenges. Right. But led us to the. This place where, quite honestly, all of us are kind of having a difficult time letting go of. We'll be right back.

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Street.

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Hey, welcome back. If by chance you're just joining us, Tom and I have been here with our wonderful family and we've been talking about as we've lived together over more, not more than a decade, but just shy of a decade. We're here sharing with you some of the challenges. You know, the good, bad and the challenging and the wonderful surprises that have come from not being able to anticipate any of this.

Yeah, and we're going to now we're going to drill down and hopefully, you know, unpack this and give you some takeaways that you can. Again, this is, you know, not all kidding aside, but really, I mean, there's so much I think, I don't think I know that we're navigating. So if we can, you know, share with you anything that could give you some spark, some sense that, you know what, however it looks, Stacy and I say in our body of work, look, the only rules that matter are the rules that apply between the people or peoples involved. So, you know, family, I think in this era of our evolution and world and such takes on all different types of meanings and types of people together and whatever. And so really we're sharing this. We're, you know, we're pretty private people. This is really the first time we've shared this. But we're doing so to hopefully to inspire and impact you and impart things that you can take home and put into your life right now.

Absolutely. So what do you all feel has led us to us being successful in creating this experience that we get to partake in something that we can share with our listeners that they could maybe learn from or implement into their lives.

I was thinking about this the other day, so I think there's three Cs. I think it's communication, compromise and then also ultimately connection that things will come up and we've had, you know, mundane life things, relationships and everything else all in the shared space. And absent communication, something small could grow into something large. Jimmy and I have shared a bathroom now for close to 10 years and there's been some compromise, but also support to one another to share that space. And then ultimately I think what binds it all together is connection and connection. As I say in my body work, connection creates hope. Hope saves lives. Saves lives from isolation and despair and loneliness and everything else. It saves lives from angst and stress and worry and concern. I think those three things have been the trademark, in my opinion, of what has allowed us to create this beautiful. For me, it's a sanctuary where we have been together for close to a decade.

Absolutely. The first thing that comes to my mind when I ask myself this question is there's a mutual respect. Nobody doesn't feel like they're in charge or better or worse or. Right. It doesn't have to go anybody's one way, which I love that that's important. There's mutual place where we get to come. And even if we've made a mess, right. We've been able to be self reflective. Right. And take ownership of that mess and clean it up instead of trying to blame each other or shame each other for maybe the mess of the mistake that was made. Right. That it's disclosed.

Yeah, I would, yeah, I would say literally, you know, from a physical mess. I know a lot of the grandkids say, grandma, Grandma, how do you, how do you keep your house so clean and that, that, you know, and we say, look, whoever's there, we don't like, no, that's not mine. You know, gosh knows, you know, when you're a kid, you know, you can really get into that, like, no, I'm not touching that because that's not mine. But I mean, it seems to be fascinating to them that it would just be, you know, and there. There is that in both the emotional mess experience of life and also the physical mass. And yes, my two brothers are very, very fastidious, which I love, too, because I'm not that. I'm more the kind of the Oscar kind of a guy, you know?

Well, when it comes to dishes, we kind of leave those for Woody. That's kind of his job. Right, Woody? I can't believe you don't bulk about that more.

Right.

We'll just set the glass there.

But, you know, it's interesting. I'm a big. I've become just a huge fan of Rachel Naomi Remond, and most people have read her book Kitchen Table Wisdom. And I'm reading her second book, Grandfather's Blessings. She had this incredible thing that she said the other day in which service is probably the most profound is she said service is, in her opinion, the death, the best definition of belonging. And so I like to start my day to be of service to the three of you. But it also then I become awash in the same feeling. It is this inclusivity, because really, in reality, in emptying the dishwasher, the contribution is just as much for me as it is for you. And one other thing I wanted to add in terms of what has made this work so well is over this decade, we've all had different highs and lows, particularly of the economic variety. And one of the things that I think we have been really good at is to allow one another to help one another. You know, I think particularly for the three. Us three boys at the ages that we are, you could easily say, well, no, I shouldn't. I shouldn't be in this position, or, no, I can do it on my own. And yet I think that we have realized that we all need help, and it's okay to ask and receive help. And that's just been such a blessing to witness, as, again, we've all been at different highs and lows over this last 10 years, and I think that's a hallmark of being able to move this forward because it also keeps the playing field level.

I could not agree more. Woody. I'm sorry to interrupt, but that means sometimes, you know what? We just. You just need some good old cash, you know, and, boy, there's some strong story, especially as we get older. Like you shared, Woody, where. No, no, no. You need to. You know, it's not even brought up. You know, I know. Stacy shared. She marvels at the ability of our family, even our oldest Brother leads the way that, you know, we can ask. And it's no big. It's. Isn't that what family does? I would hope so.

You know, money is a taboo topic, right? When we think of taboo topics, it's money, it's sex, and it's death. Those seem to be the ones that kind of really punch us in the gut. And most of us have been raised with some version of those are not okay to talk about. And when it came to money, it certainly was a takeaway that I had from my family of origin that you don't talk about money and that you figure out a way to do it. And that, too, has been an incredible gift of watching the three of you talk about it. Like, it's just you're talking about your elbow or, hey, we're out of toilet paper. What do you got? Right? And everybody pulls out what they got. Nobody's trying to hide it or stash it. Hey, what can you do? What can you do? And it really is marvelous, you guys. I just need our listeners to understand, to watch these three come together and within record time, they can sort it all out. Right. It is not a roadblock. It is not something that from my perspective, anybody feels shameful of or guilty of. It's just like, okay, here's the numbers. Here's what's got to happen. What do you got? What do you got? And they solve it in record time. And, babe, I'm sure that's why you have been so successful and we have been so successful in businesses with family as well, where most families fall short, because we don't have the conversations that need to be had. Right?

Yeah, I would say it's that collective keeping score that really, you know, the score is the end goal for all of us to thrive. That's really the end goal. And yeah, it is. I mean, it's just something that we've been blessed with as a family of four brothers, where it's a very open conversation. And look, you know what? Because we're on, the three of us, our oldest brother is not. But I mean, we're three entrepreneurs. And let's just be honest, when you're an entrepreneur, you have some really. A lot of us have some really high peaks and then some more valley type peaks. And yeah, it's literally just whatever's needed. We just. Someone quickly figures out it. I just take care of it. But if we could impart one thing, I think that's huge for families. The beautiful thing is, is leverage, lean in and leverage off of each other and at some point in time usually want someone's doing better than someone else. That's the power of numbers, right?

Foreign families that come to this country have a really good sense of. Right. Leaning in on each other, you know, sharing, leveraging. Right. And I've definitely been the benefit of that. Which brings me to something that I want to make sure that we point out here is safety. Emotional safety, Absolutely. Physical safety. That goes without saying, but safety and safety to share how we really see it and how we feel about something. I think all of us made a really earnest point or commitment to. Even though you may not have agreed, you're going to take the time to hear somebody out so that everybody feels like they have a voice. Right? If we took the time to understand where maybe everyone was coming from, right. I knew that we would find a way through. And I know so many families and so many couples have such a difficult time with this because the communication gets so broken down, they don't feel like they can say how they really feel. So then of course, they start trying to, you know, give an innuendo or drop a hint or write, say nothing at all and then assume a bunch of things. And I really feel like all of us have done a fabulous job at that. Like, if we're hurting or something's bothering us or, or we're having a difficult time with something or someone or whatever it was. You know, I think Jim just said to me the other day, hey, where's my tools? Right? You got my tools? I'm like, oh, oh, yeah, I do have your tools. But it's. It's like many things are not left unsaid, they're disclosed. And there's the safety and the respect and the willingness to listen that helps us then problem solve anything.

Well, we always say the two things you have to have in a relationship to be able to come to that proverbial table and share what's on your heart is permission and safety. And yes, please, please, please, everyone listening. Physical safety goes without saying, but equally as important and oftentimes overlooked is emotional safety. That's basically in a nutshell, being able to say the good old John Mayer song, say what you, you need to say, or even, I think more accurately, say what you mean to say.

And in that sharing, sometimes the hardest part, right, is, is the willingness to be self reflective. Even when you're hearing something that's difficult of any of you guys, relate to this. Like, all right, somebody saying, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

And you're like, no, I Mean, you know, it was three May of three years ago, and I had. I had gone back into the mortgage business after the sanctuary came to an end. And, you know, that's an incredibly stressful business and it was wreaking havoc on my mental health, driving me back into a deep place of depression and suicidal ideations. And I'll never forget was in May, and you three had literally an intervention with me and just said, look, you have to get out of the business. And you know, the first questions come up, how can I support myself? And. And then I remember, sis, you literally said, okay, well here we're going to get a piece of paper. How much is this? How much is this? And say, jim, could you help with this? Tom, could you help with this? So you go through and it's just like. And ultimately I got out and then really it ramped up my speaking and everything else. And so I think it's a perfect example of what you've talked about. We've lived it. It wasn't easy. It wasn't easy for me to let go and yet I could do so. I could fall back into the safety net of our family. So great.

So as we, as we start to wrap our rounds or bring this episode to a close, I guess wrap our arms around it and bring it to a close. What if I asked each of you wonderful brothers, what have you not shared that you would like to.

Well, I think for me, just the appreciation that has had us stay together for this duration of time and all the wonderful things that we've been able to enjoy together and that will be sorely missed. I don't look forward to when we will be splitting up, which will be relatively soon. Not that we won't see each other, but it won't be the same. And you know, that's wonderful thing about memories, we always will have those, but still we'll miss the connection and, you know, seeing each other on a daily basis, that will be something. That will be something I'll take a long time to get past, I think.

Yeah. And I would agree, you know, so what's interesting, I am going to remain in the house and my beloved summer and the three kids are going to come sharing with the four of us last night that, you know, I think I actually, if I had to do it all over again, I think I would have rather us get a new house that was distinct from this. And I guess you could look at it two different ways. One, this house, I mean, the literal walls and the pores are oozing with love and patience and understanding. And yet, as Jimmy had said, there's also a tremendous amount of memories. And it is going to be, I have, I have fear in how I'm going to be able to process and to be able to separate from this new beginning, which I'm excited about, but also letting go of something that has been literally, for me, life savings. And it's interesting that one of the things about self care that I've learned that doesn't get talked about a lot is the need to grieve. And so I'm going to remind myself that one grief is not the enemy, it's our friend. I think grief is the mechanism, the vehicle that walks with us from an experience of hellness to wellness. And for me to actively grieve even in the midst of living in a new environment. Because like Jim said, I, I don't know if. Well, it's very unlikely I will ever be able to experience something like this again.

I'm going to miss all of you too. Well, with that, it's unfortunately time for us to say goodbye to our listeners and to each other for just a moment. We'll meet you at dinner, right over a glass of wine, we'll celebrate this wonderful creation that we've done. And I want to wish a happy Thanksgiving to all of our listeners today. And may we all find, find something to be thankful for in our families today and every day. Right. And please know that as your listeners, we are so thankful for you. It is in the sharing of our stories that I believe that our personal perspectives can carry the power to transform our lives. Right? So it is with all the love in our hearts that we share our stories with you today. I hope that you found them impactful and enjoyable. Maybe put a smile in your face and a little hope in your step up. If we can do this, you can. Our song to close out the show today, which I feel is absolutely perfect for this very day, Josh Corbin's Thankful. Thankful for you guys, you love you.

All.

We take when we should give so for tonight we pray Faithful.

What.

We know can be and on this.

Day.

We hope for what we still can't see it's up to us to be the change and even though we all can still do more. There's so much to be thankful for. Look beyond ourselves their there's so much sorrow it's way too late to say I'll cry tomorrow. Each of us must find our truth we're so lost overdue so for tonight we pray for what we know can be and every day we hope for.