A poem for the lunar eclipse - Saturns 🪐 Rings - This has more blabbering by me!

Hello and welcome to Susie Unshaped. I'm Susie, and this is where we unshape all of those beliefs and feelings that we are not enough and, and really look at them for what they are and how it's just noise keeping you from realizing the truly amazing miracle that you are. So tonight is something special. It is the partial lunar eclipse. I am recording this as the eclipse has already started, um, and we have a bit of a different format tonight. And tonight— today I did a meditation and I got some messages in the meditation, and after the meditation I just really wanted to write things down. And I've been doing this a little bit lately where I have like these Like these feelings that sit back here. And I know that they're sort of like, they're a bit weird, but I hadn't given them the time of day to actually sit through and sort them out. Because I was like, do you see when you get that little pang of like, oh, why do I feel like that? And oh, I'm feeling that way again. And I hadn't really like looked at it enough, but I did that today. And when I like to pull these feelings out, I do them in a sort of poetry form. I don't know why. I don't know where I've written one before, which I have not released, um, when I was going through a really tough time. But this one, and do you know what, when I wrote it, I didn't even link that it was the full moon eclipse tonight. So it is so fitting for what came out. And so I'm gonna read you the poem. I don't know it off by heart, so I have to read on my screen. So I will be looking down. And so this is a poem for the lunar eclipse on August 27th in Southern California, 2026. Okay, here goes. I'm not a poet, but feel compelled to write this down. I have recently been hit with waves of nostalgia. Waves of wishing I was younger and could rewrite my story. These waves make no sense. I would not be who I am now if I had not lived this life of mine. Why do I feel so drawn to how things could have been? I have never been one to loiter in the past. Too much in the future is more my style. But lately my heart has been pulling me back there. It started with my daughters, seeing them so happy and free after years of sadness. The freshness of their smiles, the innocence of their hearts, finally happy. It is not that I don't feel happy, I do, but I have a strange sense of jealousy. Jealous of the blank canvas they get to write on. Jealous of their innocence and open hearts. Jealous of first loves. Oh, how I would love to feel that way again. Life has made me very wise. This jealousy does not make sense. I am who I am today because of the struggles and Theoretically, I know I would not like to have to start again and repeat that entire process. Yet my desire to live for a moment in the innocence of youth is strong. I had no idea how beautiful and amazing I was back then, and I want to go and shake my younger self. Yell at her until she listened. She spent so many years, decades in fact, feeling like there was something wrong with her, like she was never enough. So she performed and twisted herself into whomever she thought would be enough. The masks, oh, so many masks. She was an expert chameleon and could switch personalities in a second, adapting to who she thought her audience wanted her to be. I want to shake that girl so hard. Imagine living a life where you don't have to perform to be deserving of love. Where would I have gone? What would I have done? I would never trade this life, but yet I mourn for the life I haven't lived, the choices I never made because fear was controlling me. Fear that was not real. Fear that I had applied to myself because I did not know any better. Becoming a mother was the best thing that ever happened to me. For the first time in my life, I felt unconditional love. Not towards me, but from me. That overwhelming feeling that takes over your whole body. To love something so much it made my heart ache. Then finally understanding that this type of love was what I had been missing. Not from external sources, from myself. To finally understand that if my children deserved this level of gut-wrenching love, then I did as well. This realization did not happen overnight. It probably did not even happen completely until earlier this year. I am 46 years old. Can a teenager understand this? Maybe we can only truly see it after time has passed. Our innocence and naivety might block our ability to truly see ourselves. For we have not walked through fire and over broken glass. We have not truly been tested and come out the other side. Wisdom is earned from a thousand battles, some small and some so huge they break you into pieces. Pieces you don't know if you can put back together. But you do. Slowly, piece by piece. But you can never return to the innocence. Is this what I am craving? Complete oblivion to the battle scars. That open-hearted feeling, the butterflies, of not knowing the heartache and despair that was to come. I am the mother, but I am still young at heart. Yet the overwhelming burden of responsibility keeps me tethered to reality. Saturn's rings, my sister calls it. Spinning them constantly is exhausting, but I don't know how to put them down, so I keep them spinning. No wonder I long for the innocence, respite from the heaviness I carry. Is this why people have a midlife crisis? They realize they are too far gone in the direction of burdens and responsibilities. And desperately wish to return to times that felt simple and free. When your life was full of possibilities. So many paths you could take. What I've learned is that no path is easy. That's the point. Knowing this means I can never have this innocence back. I am still naive and probably always will be. That part of my heart I am thankful for. My broken parts have been pieced back together with trust and resilience, a deep knowing that I can survive pretty much anything. I have not been hardened so much that I am bitter. I still trust the good in people. I still give with an open heart, even though it often gets taken advantage of. I won't stop being that person. It is who I am. What if I just lay down my rings for one day? Would my world collapse? Probably not. A week though would be getting into dangerous territory. So what is the point if I just have to pick them up again tomorrow? Maybe there is a coat check that can mind them for a few hours. Wouldn't that be nice? Why am I writing this? I suppose I needed to process this strange jealous feeling. I guess it's actually an obituary. To my maiden self. To the innocence of not knowing. To the many paths and many lives that never happened. To the what-ifs. It feels strange to write. As I am happy where I am right now. I have fought hard to get here. I have the battle scars to prove it. So I guess this is a letter to all the women who feel this way, to know you're not alone, to know I feel this too. So let's get out some blank paper and write the rest of our story. The battles won't stop, but now you know that you have the resilience to survive them. So what are we going to write? What are we going to choose? Because girl, it's time. Love you. I'm gonna cry. Oh, it is time. It is time. And that Is my full moon solar lunar eclipse. I always get them mixed up, but that just came out of me today and it was like I was just trying to process, like, why am I feeling like when you know, wait, like I'm exactly where I wanna be right now. So it feels really strange when you're feeling these little pangs of jealousy and Of like all of the— I don't know, it's so— it's, it's interesting for me because I don't normally look back. I don't normally play this what-if game, play the in-the-past game. And well, maybe that's— maybe this is the lunar eclipse that it's coming up to be released so that I can finally let go all of those what-ifs. Because as we all know, we cannot change the past and Like, I would never ever change the beginning of my life because there's no way that I would not have the 3 children that I have. And we've all watched The Time Traveler's Wife. We know if you go— I'm pretty sure it's that one, or one of those time traveling ones where he goes back after he's had a baby, and then when he comes back, he realizes that baby's not his anymore because he changed the history. He changed what happened, so he got another baby. So he knew then he could not go Time traveling past when that baby was born because he would alter history and he would not end up with this, the child that he loved. So there is absolutely no way that I would do anything differently. And so that's why I find it so interesting that I have been like feeling jealous of all the options and possibilities. And, and I suppose this poem, if you would call it a poem, I'm not sure what it really is, but Was a way of helping me to process and realize it's okay to mourn our younger selves, like our free selves. We can still be free, but we've just gotta write a new story. And I think a full moon is a fantastic time to let go of all the things that don't serve you. So mourn it. Be allowed to feel jealous. And then I'm letting it go. That's recording this, and I'm going to send it out there today, tonight, now. And that is my letting go of all of this. And now I'm getting my blank paper, and I am going to write the rest of my story. As I said, like, gosh, I'm 46, but I feel like I've lived about 10 lifetimes. I feel like I've been through a lot. Um, but in saying that, I now am, I've worked so hard to get where I am that my world is opening up into more of a blank slate where I can choose and create a life that I love. So after I turn off this message, I'm gonna get my piece of paper and start writing all the things that I do want my life to be filled with. And tomorrow I'm going to start doing them. Number one, and you can hold me accountable, and I will send a video from the beach. I am going to the beach. I might go in the water. We will see about that. But I am definitely going to the beach is step one because I want to be a person that goes to the beach all the time. I live five minutes away, and I I've been once in like two months. So the type of person I want to be and feel is not someone that's so busy in my computer. that I am missing going to— like, I only need to go for half an hour. It doesn't have to be all day, but I put all of the to-do lists in front and my heart is screaming to go to the beach. So anyway, I digress. Happy lunar eclipse. I'm going outside now to see if I can see it. Um, I will cut the poem out also and just put it as a solo thing. So anyway, let me know what you thought. Um, I will also Put the text in the description in case you just want to read it and don't want to listen to me weird reading it off the screen and looking up and looking down and looking left and right and who knows where. Okay, I love you lots. Go write your story. Bye. Oh, yep, doing it again. The mouse does not turn off the phone. I'm so silly. Okay, love you. Bye.