Susie and Cass argue that people-pleasing is lying, rooted in ancient tribal survival instincts that made rejection feel like death. Breaking the pattern requires vulnerability and honesty about what you actually need instead of crafting a false self to keep others happy.
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And so the people pleasing is a little bit like putting on that mask, as opposed to, yes, I need that Band-Aid, saying no, I'm fine, because of not wanting to inconvenience the other person. But by doing that, you're actually lying to them. Like, I heard people pleasing, um, described as this, that you're actually lying to the other person. So by you, like, thinking you're a martyr, And like sacrificing yourself for the greater good of whatever the situation is. When I heard that I was like lying, I was like, oh, that doesn't sound so good. I thought I'm the martyr, I'm the savior of the situation.
I'm the one that's not going to inconvenience anyone.
Yes.
I will put myself out so that others aren't inconvenienced.
But I'm just a blatant fat liar. I'm just like— and then you tell us about like the people pleasing, how you heard it.
Yeah, so I heard it, um, I can't remember where I read it or who said it, but I heard it described as a controlling mechanism. And for me, I think I'm anything but controlling, um, and to hear people pleasing described as controlling, as in you are controlling someone's perception of you, you are controlling the outcome, you are controlling other people's opportunity to experience something. You're controlling, um, and yeah, they go hand in hand, don't they?
Like, you're lying to the other person and controlling in order to control the outcome. Yeah, yeah. So you're never giving them a chance to even know the real you. So I think And like, I always bring it back to this because it's basic tribal— it's tribal, like primitive programming. So for all the people pleasers out there who might be hearing this for the first time, you can't feel bad because we are designed to fit in and not be rejected by the tribe, by the herd. Because you get rejected by the tribe, you're out on your own fighting in the caveman world and you're dead.
Yeah.
Like, you cannot live without the tribe. Sabre-toothed tiger by yourself, you're not— yeah, you're kicked out of the cave, you're out. So you die. So this is like a primitive response to be accepted and not kicked out.
Yeah.
Dates back like—
Prehistoric times.
Yeah.
Many, many thousands.
Many, many, many years. Many, many years, more than 5. So, so to undo this conditioning, it's like fight and flight. It's, um, it's to— it's getting that awareness of Being vulnerable, it's becoming— it's being open, being vulnerable to actually, what if I show the real me without the fear of being rejected? And what if by showing my real self and saying what I actually want and not people pleasing, not controlling how it— controlling a narrative where we think they're gonna like us more, like, this is all made up in our heads.
Yeah, it's It's like fascinating.
It's not even real. Like, it's only our perception of what we think they want to hear, but it's not real. Like, we don't know. Like, if you give them your exact truth and are open and honest with actually what you want, they might be liking you more than you creating this false narrative.
