Shame Might Be the Key to Loving Yourself

Good morning, everyone. I look like a crazy person, but I was really called to come and share a dream that I had, and I only just remembered it. I just dropped the kids to school, and it was a dream. My sister's going on this like big life journey, and she's sort of cancelled her whole life back home, and she's moved over to Europe, and she's doing this amazing stuff. Anyway, my dream was that I saw her, and she had. gotten all these tattoos down her neck. Like, she's not a tattoo person. Great if you are, but she's not. She had all these tattoos there, and then she had tattoos all over her back, and one of them was actually like a fancy English soap. And the soap was— and then it had all the ingredients and what the ingredients did in the soap. And, um, I just was hit with this, um, oh, she's trying to scrub away her old identity. So I asked her, what's the soap and is it about this? And she burst into tears and said, yeah, I just want the old part of me to be gone. Like, I think because she's trying to start afresh, um, that she just wants to, you know, scrub out all those old bits and the old memories. And, and so it made me, um— oh, this is all a dream, remember? Um, and it made me really called to come and talk to you about exactly that. And I learnt some processes a while ago to do this for myself. So just imagine, say you've done something that makes, you know, when you get that ick feeling, like, oh, like you're so embarrassed, cringe, like cringe feeling, or, um, you know, the ick with yourself, or you had a shocker, you've done something so embarrassing, or just whatever it is. Um, I learnt this a long time ago Um, because I had done exactly that and I had multiple and I would wake up and I can't even remember, someone taught me how you actually can heal this within yourself because we don't actually need to scrub out that part of you. We actually need to love it and thank it for the lessons or the learnings that it provided. Um, we need to love it because it's a part of us and so much right now, um, is about integrating our shadow selves. And our shadow selves means the parts of us that we don't like, the parts of us that we've been, um, by society even taught to be shameful of or guilty of or, um, feel bad about. Um, they— I'll give you a hot tip, and this has taken me years to learn and integrate, and I've had some amazing teachers along the way, but guess what? Every part of you is lovable, like absolutely every part of you—the good, the bad, the ugly—all of it. And I remember I did this process, and it made me like imagine I was driving a school bus, and in the back are all my emotions or memories or whatever it is. And what it does is it actually gets you to call them up. So in the bus, I think. Do you get off the bus? And they—I don't know how it happens. They're on a bus. They come off. You talk to each one. Like which one do you need to talk to at the moment? Which one is calling? causing you the most guilt and shame and all of that stuff we put on the mask and hide behind? Like, which part is causing you to not love yourself fully? Because all of the bad parts of you are actually what make you amazing. We all neglect actually digging in and really appreciating what those emotions bring to us, and we need to love all parts of ourselves. So, um, so I didn't tell you the little process. The process is, okay, so, um, you can do it with me right now. I want you to close your eyes and I want you to picture the situation or the moment or the time when you felt, um, any of the dark feelings, the black feelings, the, the guilt, the shame, the like embarrassment or whatever it is. So I want you to picture yourself in that time. And now I want you, as you now, to walk to a— walk up to that version of you. And well, you— this is your dialogue with you, so you can start by— I would probably give you a hug, like, oh my God, I might cry. But I would just go up and give— like, in your mind, just give yourself at that time in that situation A massive hug, like a big hug, and just like nuzzle in and just really like, you're loved. You tell that version of you how loved they are. It doesn't matter the situation, whatever happened, it doesn't matter. They are loved. That person in that situation is loved. And there's always— there's no good and bad situations because we get learnings from them. So, and then maybe you want to talk to that That version of you in that situation and maybe ask her, what do you think? Why do you think you feel like this? Like, what's making you feel so bad? And then let her tell you in back then used words the reason that she feels bad about that. And then maybe take a peripheral vision of the situation. And see, was she hurt? Was she scared? Was she lonely? Was she feeling unloved? Was she feeling like— what actual emotion was it at the time? Because I think that you'll find that all that person back then just needs some acceptance and some love. And as we all know, the past doesn't matter. So by healing that part of your heart in that past, You're actually healing your heart in the now. So I just probably talked a bit too much in that process, but the process is close your eyes, go back to the version of you where you're feeling the— what we're taught to feel is bad emotions, the negative, the shame, the guilt. I think hug it out straight away. Just hug it out and tell her how much you love her and how much how proud you are of her. And, and then if she needs to talk to you about what she's feeling, let her talk to you because this is just a dialogue between you and her. It's no one else. Like, there is no judgment, there is no shame, there is no guilt. This is just between you and her, which is just you and really inside your heart. This is just you and you. And this is the relationship that we all need to be working on more than anything. Like, Number one, and I am totally guilty of this, and I have— I am a helper, so I help everyone else all the time. Like, I fix their problems, I solve their crises, I, um, I do all of— I'm a helper. But I was doing that to stop from helping myself. So I want you to donate some time. Donate? I don't know why I said donate. That's a weird saying, but I want you to set aside 5— let's just practice with 5 minutes a day and just go back slowly through. Just close your eyes and just ask yourself what version wants to pop up, what version needs healing, which version didn't feel that she was good enough. And go and talk to that version and give her a hug and tell her she's amazing and that she's enough. In that situation. She's enough when she's achieving and being at— doing amazing things. But I think we are so weighted in the balance of the amazing things and forgetting to love the hard things, the embarrassing things, the things we feel shame about, and realize that deep down it's just probably a little child that just wants to be loved and seen and heard and accepted. And A hug. Like, I remember the first time someone did it in a, like, an event, and they actually had us close. We may as well do it now. Let's do it. Okay, we're going to close our eyes and take a few deep breaths. Like, right, breathe into your belly and breathe out. Breathe in and breathe out. Now I want you to imagine a version of yourself, probably between the ages of about zero to Let's say 6 or 7. I want you to picture her. One will come to mind, and whatever you see is absolutely perfect. And if you don't see anything, maybe you just feel a feeling. Like, maybe you feel a feeling, something from when you were like 0 to 7. So just let her— like, notice how she is. Is she sitting down? Is she standing up? Is she hunched over? Is she Skipping? Is she like what is she doing? And now I want you to walk up to her, and I want you to give her an enormous hug. Just scoop her up in her in your arms. If she's a little bit bigger, sit on the couch, put her in a lap, and and sort of scoop her up like a baby even though she's bigger. And I just want you to sit there, and I want you to hold her, and I want you to. Have a little talk to her, or if that doesn't feel good, just feel, feel her. What does she need right then? What does she need? What can you feel in your heart that she needs? And whatever that answer is from for her or him, sorry. Your your this is your inner child I'm connecting you with. So. What do they need? Where do these feelings begin from? And I just want you to sit with her and give her whatever it is that she needs, or he, whatever it is that they need, and just sit with her for a bit. I'm rocking actually, look at that, I'm rocking, I'm like rocking them, rocking. And, and you can just stay like that for a bit and then just feel into it. If you can't speak to her, just feel Feel the energy. Like, can you feel it shift? Can you feel any form of peace wash over her? Can you feel any form of contentment wash over her? And sort of sit with them. Sorry, sit with your sit with your inner child and wait until you both feel at peace. And when they're ready, just say, "When you're ready, let me know," and you can go off about your day and. when they're ready, give them a big hug, big kiss, tell them that you love them, tell them that, um, tell them that they actually are going to be okay because here we are in the future and we know. But that's a little process that you can do at any time because we have these things conditioned into us, these belief systems. Like, it might have been something like— I remember, and I, I remember something happening to me when I was 5 years old. And it— see, it probably was trivial to the person at the time. I remember I was at a park and there was one of those statues, or it was a, uh, I don't know, something like a train or something like that. But it was like you weren't supposed to climb on it, and we had climbed up on it, and a stranger had said to me, oh, don't, don't do that, you can't do that, uh, you're going to go to jail. And if you do that, so like to frighten us, but That actually wounded me so deeply at that young age of 5, and I didn't even realize this until I was probably well into my 30s, and I was actually having sleep problems. And I did some regression work, and I pinpointed back then as when my sleep started becoming bad, because every time I closed my eyes, I could picture the jail bars, and I could see myself being stuck in jail. Yeah. And so we get these traumas and these woundings from places, from the slightest things. They can be big things, but they can also be really slight things like a comment from a stranger and things like that. So doing these little mini processes and going back to that part of yourself and showing them that you love them and that you can accept them, um, exactly as they are, that is all what's going to build Our feeling of I am enough as I am right now. So in our present moment, I want you to be able to feel I am enough as is. Like today, I have like bed hair. I have— I put my lipstick on because I love lipstick, but I— the house is a mess. The kitchen is not cleaned up since I dropped the kids off. Like, but I felt so compelled to come on here and share this with you. Um, and I was told very strictly by Spike, yes, you need to do that. So here I am. And so This is really about integrating all the parts of ourselves which we deem not to be proud of and not to be good in brackets. But that's the thing with it's it's yin and yang, like it's dark and light. Like we are all a balance of everything, and in actual fact you can't be off balance because the universe will right it. And whether that is by giving you more lessons, which We only want— we only really want the good lessons. I don't like— actually, someone said, I don't like to call them lessons, I like to call them learnings. Because the best— like, which is totally true, because it's— lessons sounds like it's sort of like a, a strict ruler, but it's not. It's more learnings for our soul to evolve, which is why we came here. Like, we didn't come here for everything to be light and easy and breezy. We did come here to face challenges and to find that inner strength and that resilience. And really, that comes from trusting yourself. Like, it comes from trusting yourself, like, from deep within the core. And, and the only way to do that is by loving all of you so that you can integrate all of yourself. And, um, I suppose I've been doing this digging into myself for over probably 12 years now. Um, and I think that the current way that— I think that everyone now that's starting to dig in, there's a lot more resources. There's a lot more people talking about it on YouTube. YouTube is the best. Like, the algorithm can just find you. Like, I woke up at 2 AM this morning. I'd only had— I'd had exactly 3 hours and 33 minutes sleep, which I thought was quite comical by the universe, but I could not sleep. My mind I, I am in this, in a lot of change, a lot of unknown, like literally unknown, like day by day. I don't know anything what's going on, and I am really in that blind trust. But it's taken years to cultivate that blind trust of myself and knowing that I'm going to be okay, and just to breathe in and breathe out and come back. And is there any part of me that is feeling unloved or unwanted or unworthy, which has been scooped in from all of our experiences in the past. And I can also add that we get these, we get these handed down in our DNA. These are like family lineage traumas and past life traumas. And these traumas don't even have to be logical, which is even harder. But I have had, um, Lots of times I've gone back to past lives and seen things that have happened. And, and so when I was doing the sleep regression, for example, like I did some regression, um, just using tools on YouTube, like people doing like Akashic Records and things like that. And I dug into, um, different lifetimes where I had been. I think one of them was one of those, um, French prisons where they had all the torture devices and they had you standing up and they would put like Spikes in front of your face so you couldn't move your head. So I think my body programmed itself on a cellular level that sleeping was actually dangerous. And I actually managed to go back to quite a few lifetimes where sleeping was dangerous for my survival. So I needed to dig out those things. And that's going a whole lot deeper than really we probably needed to go. But the task is start with reconnecting with your inner child. Go inside, talk to them, see where they feel unworthy. Because what you'll find is that inner child mostly just needs a big hug and just needs to be loved. And the person it needs to be loved by is you, no one else. It's you. It's all about you. So, and you— and it's actually interesting now, if you've— if you understand what I'm saying, or if you do the process, that If you can take that lens and actually look when you see other people being triggered by anything, it could be, it could be any of the negatives, it could be the positives too. But often, if often you can see through and just see, actually, that's just, that's just like a 6-year-old child that needs to be like put on your lap and hugged and rocked and told they're amazing and told they're okay. Like, that, that really is just a hurt little child, and it comes from years ago. And lots of people have no idea that that's the part of themselves where all of their behaviors are coming from. And that's the part of ourselves that we need to work on for ourselves. You can't do it for that person. And don't worry, I have spent many times trying to heal other people because I was avoiding healing myself. So they are their own problem, but you can look through the eyes of compassion when you see it and actually just take a step back and get out of the emotion and, and just see them through the lens of a 5 or 6-year-old, their 5 or 6-year-old child. And just, if you look at them through that lens, you'll just see that they're probably hurt, sad, lonely, like need, just need a hug. I think there should be more hugs always. In fact, I've actually, my middle daughter, she knows for me, She can see if I'm ever like getting wound up, teased up. But she, her automatic response always to me is, Mom, do you need a hug? And then occasionally she'll also say to me, Mom, I just need a hug. So more hugs, please. We all need more hugs. And if you hug, I even have a hugging pillow when I sleep. There you go. There's some really strange information. I have a hugging pillow. Like literally it's called like, I will say, where's my hugging pillow? Because That I can hug. I like— it's so soothing, the feeling of hugging or to be hugged. So, okay, I think I've rambled on for long enough now, but you, your relation with you is the only one that matters. You focus on that and nothing— like, everything else will sort itself out. And actually, I'm going to just jump in with one more thing here about Triggers. Like, if someone triggers something in you, if someone does something and it really annoys you, that is your perfect sign to see a part of you that's not integrated, that you feel shame, guilt, all of the black stuff with. So it— this one's a little bit hard, but you get more used to it because if someone triggers you, whenever you're out of the situation, A, if they trigger you, see them as their 5-year-old, 6-year-old child, or 4-year-old child, whatever is the hurt child that's actually talking to you. And then go back to yourself and say, why has that triggered me so much? Like, what in me do I feel the same way I felt about that person? Because it's actually— it's— they're only be— they're only being a mirror for you for how you feel inside of yourself. So what did that person bring out in me? Like anger or something. It's like, where am I actually angry with myself? Like, say I had one experience and it was probably about 5 years post-divorce and the situation triggered so much rage in me. Like, I mean, I was seething, walking around seething in anger. For days. It took me to process this for days. And what it was, it was actually years, not just the last 5 years from the divorce, but it was anger I had built up for my whole life. And I— this situation, like, I just reached breaking point. I was at an 11 out of 10. It— I— my people pleasing and my keep it inside, be the nice calm person just wasn't cutting it anymore. It was like, nope. Not having it. It is coming out. Like, I mean, I was raging when I was driving. I was raging into pillows. I was screaming. I was like anger, like, like a cartoon character, steam coming out of my ears. And I wasn't— I was able to see I needed the release at the time, but I didn't know at the time that I needed to look within and see where am I actually angry with myself. Like, where have I— this person had sort of not let me down, but was trying to like con me out of something, and it really bothered me. And but what it's really showing me is where have I conned myself out of myself? Like, where have I let myself down? And why did I let myself down? Because— And for me, it's the people pleasing. It's the It's the putting on the mask and the brave face, but it actually does no one any favors. It does no one any favors to do people pleasing and pretending. And I know I'm really rambling now, sorry, but I'll just say one more thing about the people pleasing is when I had my big aha moment, I can't remember exactly when it was. It was when you don't show your true self, like when you don't Like, when you people please, you are actually lying to the other person. So people pleasers— and I'll say this from my own experience— we sort of like to martyr ourselves as being the people pleaser. But I'm like, like, happy peacekeeper. I'm the happy peacekeeper. But when I heard it phrased that we're actually lying to people because we're not telling them our truth, I was like, hmm, that kind of takes the martyrdom out of it a little bit, doesn't it? It's actually, I'm lying. Um, and I am going to segue into a whole nother tangent here. Um, and I will break this up into smaller clips so you don't have to watch it all. But in this exact— me and my great friend Anna, we were talking about relationships, like, like, um, romantic relationships. And we were like, what, what goes wrong? And, um, like, what, like, how do you end up so skewed in one direction of the, of the, I call it the big bag of resentments. And we actually modeled out, I was, I had been reading James, is it James Clear? Atomic Habits. Anyway, great book. And it's all about the plus and minus scale. And it's a plus and minus scale of like things in your favor, things not in your favor. And you need to keep the plus and minus scale pretty neutral. Otherwise you start getting, and this is in everything actually, not just romantic relationships, but we were discussing it in that, in that term. And how we like it was sort of like this. Like say you're dating someone new or yeah, it kind of has to be new because otherwise you'd all be skewed. And it's like, do you want to have? Let's get takeout tonight. Do we want to have Indian or Thai food? And you kind of want Thai and they kind of want Indian, and you don't really care that much. So you get the Indian, like because it's only a small thing. But then as time builds up, it's like, do you want to go to the movies or do you want to go bowling? And you kind of want to go bowling, but they kind of want to go to the movies. So you go that, there's another negative for you, there's another plus for them. And it's all these little tiny in— like, they're not really weighted that heavily individually, but as they add up over time, all of a sudden the balance of— and when you're like this with all your negatives and they're like that with all their positives, it's actually not their fault. that they have all the positives. You've done that to yourself because you haven't spoken up fully, because you are only like at an 80/20 needing to. And this is me 100%, like, this is— was 100% where you just grin and bear it. It's okay, it doesn't matter, it's just one little thing. And then over time, and that's what I find with long-term relationships, is unless you have a good dialogue Between you with these little things, the balance just goes whoop, and then it gets it gets too hard to dig through and sort out. Like like it's too many little things that all add up. So my point is here: this is all about you need to start really owning your own voice and your own feelings because that's how your balance of power within yourself, not with anyone else. This is the balance of power within you. You give it away. When you give away all those tiny little points all the time, instead of just saying, actually, no, hey, we got Indian last time. I'd really like Thai today. Or, hey, I don't really feel like being in the dark. I'd love to do something active at the movies. Like, speak up for yourself so that you don't end up so out of balance all the time. And if you can do it in these little tiny incremental bits, I think, A, that's easier to practice. So then it becomes, if something is a big decision that you need to speak up for yourself, you'll be more practiced in the little bits than when it becomes a big issue. So anyway, that's my, that's me and Anna's advice on relationships is if they got, maybe you have a decision board. It's like, you chose that decision, I'm choosing this decision. You chose that decision, I'm choosing this decision. Not just what, not just alternating food choices, but it needs to be like, A little bit here, a little bit there, a little bit here, a little bit there. And so that's how you're going to slowly reclaim yourself. And then you're not going to get to the point of overwhelm and frustration because it was you betraying you. The other person, if you don't tell them what it is you actually want, they're never going to know. And then they're going to feel— they're going to feel a bit like annoyed when you blame them that you're so frustrated, but yet they had no idea, no idea about the— like, the— these little things were all adding up and causing you to be whacked out of balance. So anyway, okay, I think this video is way long enough now. Um, I don't know, we have covered so many topics, but it's all in the integration of yourself and feeling at home within yourself. I'm actually going to leave a list, um, put up my playlist that I've been creating. I've been co-creating songs with AI And yes, I love AI for this, and I know some people have an issue with it, but I can't create music without it. And I want these songs to get stuck in your head because you are enough right now. So I want you to stop and breathe and tell yourself that you're enough. And whenever you feel panicked, you just breathe in, breathe out. And that's what the songs are about. And I want them to get stuck in your head, and I hope they do. And I love you, and good night. It's not good night, it's morning. Okay, bye. Bye.