Susie Taaffe and Cass discuss how small compromises you don't really want, like picking Indian when you wanted Thai, pile up in your nervous system and breed resentment. Your body keeps score. When the tally gets too high, you explode over something small, signaling a deeper need you've been ignoring.
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Like, if you give them your exact truth and are open and honest with actually what you want, they might be liking you more than you creating this false narrative.
Yeah.
And I always like to give the example of, um, when people are freshly dating and— or not even freshly dating, like if you're trying to impress someone and it's like, do you want— should we have Indian takeaway or Thai takeaway for dinner? And you want Thai and they want Indian. But you don't really care that much, so you let them get Indian. And then, so that's one point then, minus one for you. Then the next time it's like bowling or the movies, you want to go bowling, they want to go to the movies, you don't care that much. Oh, that's right, Cass, you said it's like low-stake environment.
Yeah, but yeah, yeah, making— it's not even really about giving away your power, but it's making decisions that Or going along with someone else's decision in a low-stake environment that you think has no impact, or is it— it's because what— it's what the other person wants. So it's a very low-stakes environment. Indian or Thai, low-stakes environment. Yeah, bowling, movies, low-stakes environment.
Um, but yeah, and then the accumu— like, the cumulative effect of that though is where the imbalance comes. Yeah.
Um, and It's— it— and the other person— and you think about it, like, if it's Indian or Thai, you say Indian because you don't really care, but the other person might not really care either. So if you actually say what you want, or you genuinely, genuinely don't care— but it's— I think it's when you're saying that you don't care when you actually do care.
Yes, that's— yeah, that's the point.
Yeah, yeah.
I know. Oh yeah, I had a fight— well, no, I didn't have a fight with the girls, but my daughter got really mad at me because I've been sleeping in the lounge room on the daybed and giving the girls the main bedroom. And she was like, You have to stand up to your children and take the big bedroom for yourself. And I was like, I actually just don't care. And in that situation, I gen— like, I wasn't banking up little resentment points that they were having the big— I genuinely did not care. So it's also knowing the difference.
Yeah, knowing the difference between what actually means something to you and what you genuinely don't care about. And if something means something to you, if it's Indian or bowling or Which house are you gonna buy or where are you gonna go on holiday? Speak up and then have a conversation and decide on what's the best outcome. But don't, don't build up those little resentments.
I know, because I'll tell you where it's going. They, they, they get— there'll be a point and there'll be a final straw and you'll yell at them, we always do what you want to do! Yeah. And you know whose fault that is? Yeah, yeah, it absolutely—
yeah, it is.
And they look, they'll be like, what, what is she talking about? Like, we just— like, do you know what I mean? We just— whatever the, whatever the final straw is, because it won't—
and it won't be something major, it'll be something really minor, a dish left on the sink or clothes on the ground or—
Yeah, whatever. It'll just be your tipping point where the imbalance of all those Tiny thing, and that's how you'll know if something does matter or if it doesn't matter. Because if it genuinely doesn't matter, you won't ever that won't that won't happen. The eruption won't happen. Yeah. But if all those little points add up, and look, internal guilt. Yeah, it's an internal thing. Captain guilty here. Yeah, me too. Totally guilty.
Me too.
A thousand percent. Like just go along with the flow. Just make it easy for everyone. Don't say what you really want because it doesn't really matter that much. But it It does, because your body, yeah, your central nervous system is taking— it's got the scorecard.
It does, it does. And every time you make a decision that's not in line with, with what you genuinely want— and it doesn't necessarily mean— sorry, every time you make a decision that's not in line with what you genuinely want, it's like a little— yeah, it's like a little—
your little soul has a little scorecard. Your central nervous system, it's sort of like— and they're all micro, they're micro levels. So you know how I was talking about the 1 to 10 scale and where do you sit on it? Those ones are all like, you wouldn't move a whole bar for one of them. You might even need 100 to move a point. But if you're at a 9 and you get that final tipping point, like that last one that tips you over, it might be the 100th one of that, but all of a sudden that's too much and explodes. So yeah, your body keeps track.
Your body keeps score. The body keeps score.
Yeah, and it will let you know. Same like the Stubbing your toe or screaming expletives at the coffee pot, throwing your phone down on the bed when someone asks you, texts you for a coffee. If that results in you stomping around swearing, you know it's time to— you know it's time to have a little check-in. A little check-in.
Check in with what's going on and just like retrace your steps.
And where have you been giving your power away? Where have you not been advocating for yourself? Like, all of these are different lenses of the Where have I not been true to myself? Yeah, and listening.
