Tessa and a speaker discuss jealousy in polyamorous relationships, distinguishing between visceral and mild pangs, sexual versus non-sexual jealousy, and how to process and communicate about these feelings.
Let's talk about jealousy, shall we?
Jealousy.
Jealousy.
Yeah, well, the thing from the podcast that we recorded yesterday was how to deal with jealousy, and jealousy doesn't necessarily have to be about sex. No, you could be jealous of your partner doing something else as a hobby, for example.
Yeah, and the reason why we were talking about that was because It's been brought up that polyamorous relationships, relationships that are not monogamous, which people over 60, I think, are— when over 50, are more and more interested in engaging in once they move beyond that traditional relationship that they probably had for a significant amount of time. And thinking about exploring all of this sort of stuff, often jealousy comes up because it's inevitable. It's the big one, the big J, and how you deal with that. And one thing that Tessa said that really struck us both was about the fact that rather than looking at it as something threatening, which is how we normally look at it, as if it's disrupting something that we've got in a bad way, that you could look at it positively by just saying, well, if my partner is off doing that and he's happy, and he's with me and he's happy, then, then everybody's happy. But it's harder when it's to do with sex and easier to do when it's about he goes off and, and watches football with his mates and he's really happy. Yeah. When it's like, oh, he goes off and he like flogs somebody, you know.
Yeah.
Because I don't like to be flogged. Yeah. Then a little bit more difficult.
Yeah, definitely. The big J is very big then, but it can be dealt with, I think.
Yeah, I think it's about For me, it's about recognizing what's going on and giving myself the time to process it. Sometimes I can be very reactive with it because when it— when I feel it, it's like this kind of like, ugh, quite visceral response that I have to it. But then once I let it settle, I'm kind of going, well, what's this about? What— like, how important is it really in the overall scheme of things? And that I think is is what very few of us do, is we have that visceral response, which is, "Ew!" And then we don't let it sit.
Yeah.
It's like when you write somebody a letter and then you think, "I'm not going to post it yet. I'm going to sit and read it tomorrow." Yeah, yeah. "And see if I still want to send it." And usually you don't.
Yeah, you rewrite it, or an email, for example.
Yeah.
Number of emails that I've sent where you— press send and you think, I wish I hadn't pressed that, because it's all so instant. Yeah. And it's very instant in, you know, sexual jealousy can be very instant.
Yes. Yeah.
As well.
Yeah.
And, um, it's something that you, yeah, you just have to process. Yeah. I, I don't tend to feel it in that visceral way. Um, yeah. You know, when, if and when you have sex with somebody else, like, you know, there's a slight pang of jealousy there, but it's not a visceral feeling. But maybe that's because I know that for you it's just a casual, casual itch scratching thing. Yeah, yeah. Whereas for me, it's only happened once, but for me maybe it's more than that, you know. I don't think it is, but yeah, but maybe it is, maybe it is.
Yeah, no, it's an interesting one, and I think for a lot of people they just think, oh, this way too difficult. All this communication that you have to have about all of this kind of stuff, screw that. I'm just gonna stick with the person that I'm with and not, not even explore any of this. Because if you do explore it, then yeah, all of this is this kind of stuff you have to deal with, and it's not that straightforward. Yeah, so there you go.
Those are our thoughts today.
Thoughts for the day on jealousy.
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