Episode 126: Shame and Erectile Dysfunction

Suzanne Noble: I'm very excited to welcome our new sponsor, Higher Nature, who have created Rekindle, which I'm currently trying out and is working a treat. A 100% natural libido-enhancing supplement for women, which contains clinically backed ingredients to give your sex life a boost. And who doesn't want that? Hi, this is Suzanne Noble, and welcome to Sex Advice for Seniors. We're in 2025 now. I can't believe that. I actually started this in 2022. God, it feels like 100 years ago now. And I'm back. I've decided to bring back some of my favorite guests in 2025 because why not? I'm allowed to do that. And one of my favorite guests was Ken Shaffer, talking about a subject that lots of people are very curious about. I do get a lot of people calling and asking me about this, which is erectile dysfunction. So welcome, Ken, back onto Sex Advice for Seniors.

It's great to be back, and I'm glad to hear I was one of your favorite guests.

Yeah, I really enjoyed our talk. Well, I mean, I think one of the interesting things for me about you was the fact that You weren't a healthcare professional. You were a real guy out there in the world struggling with ED, going on that journey that lots of other guys go on, except your experience led you to go, this sucks. I'm gonna, I'm gonna try to make it easier for other guys. So tell me a bit about that lovely journey that you went on, Ken.

Yeah, so it's kind of a long story. I, I started having problems when I was about 48, which is very common. I was completely unimpressed with the care that I was getting, but I didn't know where else to go. And so like most men, they threw Viagra at me and I used it. It worked for a while, great, but then it stopped working. And then they were out of answers. They were full of shoulder shrugs, but no answers. I eventually found a doctor, Dr. Rachel Ross, here in the US, and she, she really opened up my eyes to what can be done. And it's, it's not about pharmaceuticals, for the most part. I mean, some, some guys are going to need pharmaceuticals. Yeah, most guys can get function back without that. So I trained with her. I, I do work with her informally currently. So, and then, you know, I, based on my experiences with her, I tried to start a business helping men, coaching them through all the pitfalls. And Unfortunately, that has not gone well.

So just in terms— listen, what, what I know after 120 episodes now of Sex Advice for Seniors is that Viagra is normally the first course of action when you've got ED. It's relatively easy to prescribe. In the UK, you can get it over the counter, but typically it's masking other problems, which may be cardiovascular, for instance, or they may be related to your prostate, or they may be related to having diabetes, or they may be lifestyle issues like medication or alcohol or things like that, or too many drugs. Were all of those things ruled out in your journey of trying to figure out what the hell's going on when the Viagra stopped kicking in?

Not until I got paired up with Dr. Rachel Ross. Until that, I went to many doctors. They followed a very specific script.

Right.

They tested my testosterone, told me it was fine when it wasn't. That, that's a real problem that most doctors don't know how to read a testosterone test. But they, they made no effort to find the underlying cause. And to some degree, I mean, there's, there's only so many tests that they can do, but they weren't willing to do those tests. And there is an element of trial and error when you're treating ED, because you, you may not have a test for the specific problem. But if a solution works, then you can trace that backward to, to a certain problem.

Right. So I mean, I'm, you know, I'm just asking, did you have any cardiovascular or any of the other issues that might have caused it? Or Not, or you don't know?

I don't think I, I know exactly what caused it. I think it was a combination of very low testosterone. Okay. And a diet that I thought was healthy but was not.

Okay.

And I think those were the two primary causes of my ED. I also have been diagnosed with venous insufficiency. It's kind of a mild case, but it, it's enough to make a difference. And when you're, you know, so, like you were talking about your Firmtech rings, you know, that's something that really should be heavily marketed to guys with venous insufficiency, because there isn't much else that can be done for them.

Yeah. And what is venous insufficiency? That's the venous return, the, the, the leakage, or Is that what that is?

Yeah, so venous insufficiency, and there's some people use other terms for it. But basically, when you get an erection, the erection closes off the, the, the flow of blood out of the penis. And, and with people who have venous insufficiency, that blood flow is not cut off adequately. And so they have trouble maintaining their erection.

Yeah, yeah. I mean, that's— to be honest, that's where things like the FirmTech cock ring are just— they're amazing. And frankly, not that I'm, you know, blowing my own trumpet here working with FirmTech, but I am. But that's why— that's why they came up with the tech ring to measure the duration and the firmness of a man's erection. And it is, you know, look, anything like that where the blood flow is constricted or constrained, which is the purpose of a ring, right? That's the purpose of a cock ring, is always going to help a guy maintain an erection. I mean, the one that we— that Firmtech have, I think is especially good. But there are others on the market that do the trick, you know, they'll do the basic trick. And, and frankly, I don't even understand why doctors aren't just telling people that. I mean, because that's a no-brainer to me. If you're— if the blood isn't staying in your penis, then what is going to keep it there? Well, putting basically a tourniquet around it, right?

Exactly.

That's what it is. I mean, it's not— this is not— this is not heavily sophisticated technology we're talking about here. This is basically a better rubber band. That's what it is.

That's a good way to put it. Yes.

Oh, so that's really what it is. But, but yeah, I mean, I, I'm always or not particularly surprised by the lack of thoroughness that of treatments and investigation that went on because this is a story that I have now heard so many times that it's becoming quite predictable where somebody says, I went to the doctor and I said this and they went, yeah, whatever. And you know, and you just think, don't I deserve a little bit more attention than that? And I think that's That's part of what impressed me about when we last spoke was the fact that, you know, it seemed to me what you were helping men to do was to advocate for their own sexual health and just to go, look, all I'm doing here is telling you the variety of options available so that when you go to see the doctor, you know what they are. And, you know, maybe you should just do like a $14.99 download that is— that says, here's your medical checklist. For when you go and see your doctor, give me $14.99 and make sure that you've covered off all of these questions because that's the problem. No one knows what to ask.

That's true. And quite frankly, the doctors don't even know what to ask. So you have this, this perfect storm of ignorance.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. So, you know, when you were diagnosed at 48, I'm, I'm curious to know if you remember how that changed your perspective on sexuality and health.

Um, geez, that's a good question. I don't know if I have a good answer for you. What, what it did is it kind of really shook me up because I had been very much into health and fitness. And I, and I just took the doctors at their word. They— I didn't, I didn't think to question them. They gave me Viagra, and it, to be honest, it worked quite well for a couple of years. So I just thought, well, that's the way ED is treated. And Then it stopped working. And that's when I began to really question things. I don't know that initially that it changed my views all that much other than about myself. I was quite embarrassed and I was very, you know, I was very much afraid that people would find out.

Yeah, yeah.

And so that was really my reaction. It wasn't until I started digging in that it's that the wheels started turning and my opinion started to change.

Yeah. And I think one of the things that I've discovered is that amongst all the different kinds of challenges that we may have to overcome as we get older to experiencing pleasure, men's reluctance to talk about ED is quite significant. So, so either they just hide their head in the sand and just pretend it's not happening, or they go and get their quick fix. And when I tell, you know, part of the challenge of even working for FirmTech is, is that there's so much shame around erectile dysfunction that it makes it really difficult to normalize it. Because as soon as you— when you say the word cock ring, people immediately think of gay men or you know, the, that kind of community and they say, oh, that's not something for me. When you talk about a tracker that tracks your nocturnal erections, there's a fear, well, what if there's something significantly wrong with me? What if this thing is going to detect something really serious? Do I really want to know that? I mean, and there's plenty of guys who don't, they just, they just don't, you know, and I think, as you said, as you said, at the beginning, like, So what's— since we've spoken, we were, you know, we were talking about you becoming a coach and helping men with ED, and you were going to charge for that. So what's happened with that business and business idea?

Well, you know, it's interesting. I started working with some marketing people, and they found a way to do some Facebook advertising, which was amazing to me because Facebook was shooting down everything that I was You know, and I wasn't putting out very explicit stuff. And so they started doing these test runs and they were amazed at the number of clicks I was getting. They would say that I was getting like 20% click rate and they were just like, oh my God, this is great. But the clicks weren't converting into sales.

Sales, yeah.

And so I know the interest is out there, but there's just, there's something. And I can't fully explain it, but there's something blocking men from going that last mile. And I think a lot of it has to do with the things you were talking about, the stigma, the, the denial. And, and they're also, they're also very becoming very cynical. They're, they're very worried about getting taken advantage of or getting ripped off.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, look, I can understand that. And, and people are bombarded with all sorts of messages about this is gonna, you know, this is gonna change your life, right? And, and they're just becoming confused about stuff that honestly will and stuff that's just a waste of time. So I think that's not too surprising. I mean, what do you think couples can do when— well, actually, here's a better question. So how do you think society can reduce the stigma surrounding this sexual dysfunction and encourage more open conversations? Like, what can society do to support that?

Well, I think there has to be a larger conversation around expectations around men and masculinity. I think right now there is, and I don't, I don't want to get controversial here, but there is, people are openly critical of men based on various stereotypes.

Yeah.

And I see it all over social media. And to do the equivalent to a woman or about women would immediately get you a bunch of very nasty comments, and rightfully so. But there is that double standard and how, you know, it's okay to, to attack men based on their insecurities and what, what is normally associated with masculinity if they're not measuring up. And so I think it's part of a larger picture. And I think if we had a more open and honest conversation about what's realistic, you know, what can men, what can the average guy do, because a lot of the expectations are based around the, the very top men, you know, that the top 10%, the ones that are most attractive, the ones that have no trouble picking up women. But the average guy lives in a completely different world from that stereotype. And I think we need to have a conversation around breaking down the stereotypes that, that are not relevant to most men.

I think though, if we look at young people, we can see that young people are playing around a lot more with gender and what does masculinity look like, and also even having far less sex, for instance, than we did at our, you know, at a younger age, which some of which I think is really good actually, because it's good to open up the conversation about what is masculinity about anyway, and toxic masculinity and all that sort of stuff. I think, you know, for me, the conversation sometimes stops. So when we talk about what goes on in the bedroom, you know, that there's still a lot of performance associated with being a man in the bedroom, which of course can lead generally to anxiety. And as we know, anxiety leads to ED, right? So if we remove the performative aspect of it, and we start thinking about sex more than as a thing that happens with penetration being amongst the many different things that you can do, whilst having sex, then, then my view is that perhaps men will feel less pressure always to be the one who has to perform. Because that's the way we talk about men and sex, right? We talk about, we talk about them performing, which is ridiculous, because you're not a performing seal or an actor on the stage, you're a human being. And, and yet I think that men generally do feel tremendous pressure to always be hard, frankly.

Yeah, I agree with you. I think a lot of that conversation is based around the experiences that people have when they're very young. Like when I was a young man, you know, I couldn't get enough. You know, it was just— but that's, that doesn't carry forward, you know, into later in life, not for maybe for a few men, but most men it doesn't. And so that it becomes a stereotype based on something that, you know, it applies to some men, particularly young men, but not all men.

Yeah, yeah, for sure. And What, what advancements or changes have you seen in the medical community regarding ED? Anything that's worth kind of noting?

There is a new product and it's, it's out of Israel. It's in use in the, in Europe. I don't know if it's in use in the UK or not. And it is a treatment for venous insufficiency. They use radio waves to—

oh yes.

Oh, have you heard of this?

Yeah.

Okay. I think that that could be a real game changer for a lot of men, because it's, from what I've read, it's quite effective. Outside of that, I don't, I don't think there's been a huge— I think implant technology has improved dramatically over the years. But obviously, that should be a last resort, not a first resort. I think what I'm seeing is that there, there is a small growing group of doctors that understand that lifestyle is— plays a significant role in ED. And that, and the things that you were talking about that were more psychological, the pressure to perform, that psychological reasons actually are the most common reason for ED.

Yeah.

And so it's the most treatable. But so I think, I think slowly but surely, there is a growing group of doctors who have a more holistic view and are more sympathetic to men who have this problem. Yeah, I don't think there's a lot of sympathy out there, at least in my experience, for men who have ED.

Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I think there's still a stigma attached to it to the point where I've heard women say, I don't want my partner to use Viagra because that suggests he doesn't desire me, which is, you know, which isn't helpful. Unhelpful and adds to the pressure men feel to be able to do all of this without any kind of assistance whatsoever. And I think that's, that's not good. As you said before, one of the things that I remember you saying before is that one of the, one of the aspects of ED that men aren't aware of is how changing their diet, becoming healthier, becoming fitter, just generally looking after their body more can really help with ED. And I think, as you said, there's just not enough information around that in terms of people understanding that actually they can make lifestyle changes that are going to support their overall health.

Oh yeah, absolutely. And there's a lifestyle change that I don't think is getting enough of a focus, and that is all the toxins that we're we're exposed to. And this affects women as well as men, but the effects are more obvious in men. But they're, they're estrogenic in nature, many of them, and they mess up the hormonal system. And where it's, it's giving, it's coming to us through our food, particularly here in the US. I don't think it's as big a problem in the UK, but in the US, we're getting food sprayed with chemicals. And we're drinking and eating out of plastic containers. And, you know, this, this is, I believe, a public health crisis that very few people really know exists.

Yeah, I agree. I mean, what's— what we're eating is, is not contributing to our health in any way, shape, or form. And, you know, when you think about the future of men's sexual health education and awareness, what do you What do you hope for them?

Well, I— what I hope is that more and more doctors, more and more people in the medical community will adopt a more holistic approach to treatment and under— and help men to understand that ED isn't one thing. One thing I see out there all the time in discussions is guys are like, this worked for my friend, why isn't it working for me? It's— and the answer is, of course, because the cause of your ED is probably completely different from your friends. And there's also this— everyone is looking for a silver bullet. You know, they want— they, they want to find that one thing that's just going to turn everything around and Unfortunately, that is very rare. I mean, it does happen, but it's very rare.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I think as well, when— as we age and changes occur in our body, that certain things, as you highlighted, certain things will carry on working and then certain things won't. So, you know, it's a constantly evolving, changing landscape that you're dealing with when you've got a health condition like erectile dysfunction, where, as you said, One minute it might be great and you might take a pill and it might work. And then the next minute you sort something else out and you may stick a cock ring on and that might work for a little while as well. And then something doesn't work. So, you know, you have to go with the flow with this. Just like, you know, as women, we've been learning how to do this our whole life, by the way. So, you know, when shit comes along in our lives, we're like, oh, right. So, you know, We didn't have periods. Now we have periods. Now we don't have periods again. Now this is happening. Now the middles suddenly appear that didn't appear anymore, and vaginal dryness and whatever. And you just have to keep, you have to keep rolling with it. And I think for me, there's, there's just a general lack of information about the options available at all these different stages of our lives. So that, as you said, your friend says, oh, why doesn't this work for me? It works for my friend. Well, because it doesn't. But this might not work either, but we're going to have to try this. So knowing what is out there. But surely, I always think the first stage with all of this stuff is try and be healthy. That's the first thing. Like, get good exercise. I know it's boring. Exercise, eat well. If you can sort that shit out, then and you can afford it, because that's— sometimes it costs money to do those things. But if you can afford to be healthy and to eat well, and then stuff starts— stops working, then of course, then you can move on to, okay, what's— what are the next— what are the next possible options for me? But like you said, most people don't talk about it. So that does make it difficult.

Yeah, I agree with you completely that the first step is to get healthy. And even if it doesn't fix your ED, it will make you much more treatable. So whatever treatments you're receiving, if you're healthy, they're going to work better.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And can I just ask a random question here? Totally random. When you were 48, and you were like, super fit and healthy, were you doing anything like steroids or anything? Were you like a gym nut? Or anything like that?

I was very much against the use of steroids.

I just wonder. Yeah, yeah. Because those don't help either.

I'm sorry?

Steroids don't help.

No, no. You know, and in the long run, it's going to mess up your ability to produce testosterone. So once you, once you're on steroids, you're either, you have to stay on the steroids, or you have to start taking testosterone.

Right.

A lot of people think steroids are testosterone, and they're, they're an androgenic— they are androgenic, but they aren't exactly the same thing.

Yeah, yeah. So they, so they screw you up, is what you're saying?

Yeah. Yeah.

Because I just, I do wonder that with guys that are like super fit. And then sometimes they've got very small penises. What's, what's going on there. And sometimes I think the steroids have an impact, but that could just be bullshit. I could just be saying complete nonsense.

I would think that many of those guys are getting very fit and taking steroids because they have small penises. And they're very, they're very much trying to compensate. And Maybe.

But yeah, I mean, the bottom line is that steroids are not going to help if you, you know, help with ED either now or in the future. That's the, that's the thing. They're not going to help. And, and, um, yeah, I mean, I've spoken about testosterone before, but, you know, like you said, there are things like P shots, testosterone, Viagra. There's a lot, you know, there are a lot of options out there. And I do think I You know, I still think there's a place, Ken, for your wisdom and your knowledge in the world amongst guys who just want to navigate this shit show that is trying to figure out how to overcome ED in the long, in the long term, right? In the long term.

Well, I, I think there is.

I just haven't figured out how to get that message Yeah, so I'm going to promote your $14.99 download at the end of, at the end of this episode. You've still got another few weeks because I'm really ahead of myself. So it's going to be the check, the ED checklist that you take to your doctor with the questions, the vital questions you need to ask your healthcare professional when you are struggling with ED. How about that?

That sounds like a great idea.

There you go.

Put together a list and you do that. And I will say that that is a subject I cover in my book.

Okay.

How do you, how do you choose a doctor, you know? And, and what questions do you ask that doctor? What does the doctor need to know? And Uh, so if, if people are inclined to buy my book, it is available on Amazon.

Okay, well, there you go. A book, a checklist, whatever, it's all there. Ken, it's been such a pleasure talking to you again. I am really glad that you came back on the show, and good luck with it all.

Thank you, and it was a pleasure to be on the show again. I really enjoyed the Good conversation.