Episode 52: Those Pesky Erections

Hi, hi, I'm Suzanne Noble and I'm Zoe Noble, and we are back with sex advice for seniors. And we are sponsored by Sunset Satisfaction, which happens to be our own sex toy site. But why not? Why can't we be sponsored by our own sex toy site where you can go and find lots of nice toys and books and all sorts of things that will expand your sexual horizons. And you might even learn something, you never know. So what are we talking about today, Zoe?

I think we're going to talk about erectile dysfunction. Ooh-wee! Yeah, unreliable erections. Unreliable erections. We don't need to have the diagnosis of dysfunction on there. Let's just say pesky erections, as you so, so articulately put it in your charming British terminology.

Those pesky erections. Those pesky erections. Yeah, they are pesky, especially in my world when I subject men without asking them too much whether they want to have sex in front of groups of people that they've never met before. It's like, oh, what do you mean you can't get hard? What the hell's that all about? Completely understandable, completely understandable, to be honest. But anyway, you've got some stats, don't you?

I do. Um, 52% of men experience some form of ED, erectile dysfunction, um, in their life, and, um, and that increases 5 to 15% between the ages of 40 and 70. So it's super common, um, even with young guys. And it— and, you know, due to hormones and circulation and, um, probably some degree of self-confidence and perception, you know, there's, there's so many things that go into maintaining, getting an erection and then maintaining it, right?

Yeah, completely. And also, what, you know, as a woman, we have our own stuff with, you know, not getting lubricated enough, which a lot of women feel bad about when they don't get wet enough. But I suspect that because the thing about the penis is when it's not hard, it's really obvious. Whereas when you're not wet, it's okay. You don't look down and go, oh, you don't seem to be very wet. But when you're not hard, you can see it immediately. And of course, that sends so many different signals, doesn't it, in terms of, is that because I'm not desirable? Is that because you don't fancy me? Or is it self-confidence, fear? Are there underlying health issues? Because I know in the case of a couple of men that I've been with, it was because of underlying health issues. Which were quite significant. And according to somebody that we spoke to a while back, that is one of the key indicators of, of early stage diagnosis of perhaps heart problems, for example, right?

Yes.

So there's numerous reasons why you might be a bit freaked out if your dick doesn't get hard. Um, but of course it's, it's also around your own masculinity.

Yeah, I mean, I, I think it's important to talk about, you know, there are physiological reasons for erectile— for, for unreliable erections. There can be. Um, the vast majority are psychological, are not, are not that. Um, totally check it out with a doctor and also, you know, look at the safety, whether you're a good candidate for the blue pill or similar, you know, for medication. There are other interventions. I have a friend that has a, like, a penile pump. Oh yeah, I have not— this is not someone that I've had sex with, so I haven't really experienced what it's like when they pump it up, but there is that. Um, there's also sort of, um, there are other things that, that sort of can, like, along the lines of plastic surgery and, and, you know, things that you can do.

Oh yeah, injections, injections. But a guy that I knew who had prostate cancer when he was very young, surprisingly, took a very low dose of a pill that just meant that he could get hard without it, and he took it every single day. And it just kind of— I guess it just increased the blood flow just generally and made sure that he was able to get an erection without having to stop, take the blue pill, start— you know, it was just a part of his, uh, medication.

So he's microdosing?

Yeah, I guess so. I guess that's what it is. It was some pill that he took. I can't remember the name of it, to be honest, but his erections worked, and so that was And he just said— but he had said that when he's spoken to a previous partner about this, and she'd said, oh, what that— what is that pill for? And he said, I just take this pill every day because, you know, back when I had prostate cancer, it impacted— which it does— on your ability to get an erection. And this pill makes it easier for me to get hard. And so I take it every day and I can get hard as a result. And she said Oh, but does that mean that if you didn't take the pill, you wouldn't— if I was around and I was really sexy, you still— you wouldn't— you wouldn't— and he felt really bad about that, you know, about being asked that question because he wanted it to just be like a normal conversation. Like, I take this pill, this is what happens, this is how it works. But some women that I know sadly seem to think this is all about them.

Well, yes. I mean, listen, we go through life and relationships thinking that everything is always about us, and it rarely is. And, you know, we can say the same thing. How annoying is it when a partner that we're with, if we are not going to reach orgasm, then they take it personally, like it's their personal markup. We need to stop with all of this on both sides, right?

Completely.

Having an erection is a lot of pressure on men, and for this reason, right? So that we don't feel like, um, I mean, they, you know, they don't want us to feel like we're not— first of all, that they're not manly, that they're not virile, right? What does that say about them, that they don't have a rock-hard penis?

Yeah.

And, um, And then there's just, you know, the sort of, um, the onus that when we don't get— what am I trying to say here— when we don't lubricate, you can use lube and still have intercourse. If a penis is not erect, you can't have intercourse. So that in and of itself is a pressure as well, you know, like this is all dependent on this poor little piece of the anatomy, you know. And it's great when it works well, it's a no-brainer. But like, let's talk about what to do when it doesn't— when you're with a partner and they're not hard, or you're, you're the, the person with the penis and you don't get hard.

What do you do? Yeah, and I suspect that, that there is the additional challenge that many older men face around all of this, which is that they, they— if they've grown up in a time where they didn't have much sex education and, um, penetrative sex was pretty much the way they understood sex to be, then when they're getting older and they're not able to get as hard, which as we know happens when testosterone goes into decline and you know, you just don't, then it's even more challenging, I imagine, to think, what are the options? Because for many of them, that was, that was what defined sex. And I mean, I'm saying that about older men, but I know plenty of people who just haven't had a lot of sex education, and it's just about getting it in there, frankly.

Right. And not having, and not having to talk too much about it. So The interventions. Yeah. So the interventions tend to be, you know, something that can make me not have to acknowledge that, that this is happening.

Right.

Yeah. In my world, when I imagine that there's a couple where there's, there are, where the sexual function is not typical, right. It's not optimal. Um, there are so many ways to give each other pleasure. So many ways, right? And there's so many things that you can do other than stick a penis in a vagina.

Yeah.

Um, or in a— or in a butt, you know, whatever. Yeah, I don't— I don't mean to be heteronormative here. I mean, it can be, you know, gay men have erectile issues too sometimes. Um, You know, there are so many ways. So if you are, um, a couple with one penis and one vagina, use a dildo. You know, it doesn't have to be over. There are other ways that you can give pleasure. You know, I mean, I think what it comes down to for me always, no matter what age you are, what bodies you're in, um, how they're functioning. Some people are disabled, you know, in various ways, um, and some people have health issues. So, you know, take the body that you're in at, at the, at the given time that you're about to have sex. Whatever is happening is an instrument to work with, you know.

Yeah, that's a great way of looking at it. And also it allows us to explore other erogenous zones in the body when we're not completely dependent on that one specific object to deliver us pleasure, whether that's massage, oral sex, you know, mutual masturbation, whatever it happens to be. There's like so many different ways that you can give each other pleasure. And there's also all the alternative stuff that you can do, you know, BDSM, kinky stuff, stuff that, you know, I was at a party on the weekend. I was the only person at that party having sex, and everyone else is just spanking each other madly, like really, like a lot. And I'm not big on spanking, but clearly there's like a whole community of people who just absolutely adore spanking.

I love spanking.

Do you?

I do, I do. I was not spanked as a child, so I have no— there's no like kink in that, in that sense. No, there's no trauma there. It's not, it's not an outgrowth of that. Um, I just like impact play. I like to be flogged. I like the— yeah.

So there you go. It's— there's, you know, there's people like you that love that stuff and they get off, and that has nothing to do with penetrative sex. And then there's people like me who like other things that are a bit more around genital stimulation But I like, you know, I like all of, you know, but the thing is I've tried, I've at least tried all of it and gone, yep, quite like that, nope, don't like that. So I mean, some of the stuff around erect, pesky erections, is gives you the freedom to go, hey, what else can we do? What else is out there, right?

What it takes is, is you can't, you can't be ashamed and shut down and feel less than, that's not a sexy feeling. So, so there's a level of sort of self-work here that, A, on the, on the part of the, the person with the penis, they have to be able to just accept that about themselves. Their penises are not— I mean, they're either unreliable or they're reliably soft. Yeah, you know, and that's— it's too bad. Yeah, yeah, I don't say that with a snotty attitude. I mean, it is— it's, it's, it's too bad that some people have to deal with that, and many people have to deal with that.

Well, so that's practically half the people out there. Yes, yes, that's a lot of people.

Yes, that's right. It's incredibly normal, and for us to normalize always having a rock-hard erection is not— is not accurate or normal or fair. So let's just acknowledge, right? And then you have to do that sort of inner work to be able to not have a lot of shame every time your penis doesn't get hard and to be able to say, okay, you know, this isn't— but I'm, I'm loving this. This feels good, X, Y, and Z. And you can talk about these things outside of the bedroom. I'm always— you're going to hear me say that a lot. Have these conversations when you're not in the heat of the moment, when you're not in the act, when you're not naked. Yeah, with a soft penis, you know, like that's not the moment to have a deep conversation and a strategizing session about what things feel good when a penis isn't hard, you know, but like, know what you like, know what's possible, help your lover understand, like, sometimes my penis gets hard, sometimes it doesn't. When it doesn't, here are the things that I really enjoy. Mm, how helpful would that be, right? And if I don't have an erection and we are engaged in sexual activity, how would you feel about me having a dildo handy so that you can feel— I can go down on you, I can do oral sex, I can put the dildo inside, like, you know, I can hold you, I can lie next to you and use the dildo, we can kiss. I can— it'll be sort of similar feeling and feeling sensation to having me inside of you, you know, like have these conversations.

Yeah, yeah, for sure. And for the— and for the— this— the person with the penis's partner, I think it's equally important. From what, you know, from the people that have— that have said to me, normally in an apologetic way, I have to say they're like, oh, I'm sorry, my dick's not getting as hard as I want it to, or something. And I usually just say, no, no, that's fine, there's no rush here. Like, we're not, you know, there's no— there's— we're not on the clock. So like, if that's, if that's an issue and it's a question of waiting, then we wait. If it's a question of taking the blue pill, we take the blue pill. If it's a question of not having a hard dick, then you don't have a hard dick. I mean, let's just like, let's not make this a big thing. This is just— yes, this is just a momentary thing that we just need to acknowledge so that we can move on from this thing.

Yes, and the inner work on the person who doesn't have the unreliable erection is to not make that erection about them.

Period.

It's not— not only is it not a big deal, but it doesn't mean they're not into you.

Yeah, yeah.

Like, that's not, you know, you're not wet enough, that means you're not into me, or it means I'm not good enough. I don't have the skills to make your vulva lubricate properly. Like, it's— and so I don't have the— yeah, I'm not hot enough. I mean, I understand where that comes from. Yeah, I do. It's hard. It's hard. It's an unfortunate adjective in this conversation. It's challenging to feel insecure in your own body and then, you know, or your own skill level or whatever it is to just feel insecure. And then the, you know, the dude that you're having sex with loses their erection like that. I can understand. And let's relieve everybody of taking everything personally and just working with what is.

Yeah, and speaking of what is the— let's talk about like some of the things like the blue pill being something that again I think should just be normalized. It's not— I mean, if you're— there are obviously people taking blue pills who are very young and probably don't need to take blue pills, and that's a completely separate conversation. But equally, I've been with people where we took— where he took the blue pill, and it was because he wanted to make sure that he didn't have to worry about his erection. And he was an older guy, and we just went, party time, you know, because, you know, because that's what it was. It was party time. And we made it really, you know, he's like, I'm gonna take the blue pill now. And I'm like, oh yeah.

Yeah, right. No shame.

No shame. And it was fun. I can tell you, like, it was fun. So whereas I've had someone else who is completely the opposite, he, he did have some health issues. I said, why don't you go and get the blue pill? Because he was starting to get a bit— he was feeling self-conscious about it. He went and had the blue pill and then he said, oh, it doesn't— it's not working. It doesn't work. Blah, blah, blah. Well, that is true about the blue pill. Like the blue pill is not— it doesn't make things just automatically work. If your brain is still telling you this is not going to work, the blue pill doesn't work, right? So the blue pill only works in conjunction with your brain going, party time, then happy days. Everything generally works, you know. But if you're in fear, if there's some other anxiety hanging around behind all of this, then the blue pill doesn't work. And then, yeah, just doesn't work. So it's not like an instant remedy. It's just, you know, like your whole mental state has to be, I want to have sex with you.

That's it. Yes, yes, yes, right. And the things that get in, in the way of that having— of arriving at that mental state are past trauma, relational issues, self-confidence, You know, there's a lot. Religious shame can creep its way in, even, you know.

Yeah.

And, and a lot of these things can be unaddressed. And a lot of— I'm going to try to— it's early here in Los Angeles, but I'm going to try to articulate this properly. A lot of issues like early sexual trauma, religious shame self-perception, mental health issues, depression. Many of those things can get unaddressed, can be unaddressed, and, um, and sort of hide underneath the ability to have sex so that that kind of intimacy is physical. And when you have— when you don't— periods of your life where you have reliable erections, you can go ahead and have sex like that. But the minute that the erection becomes unreliable, there's a level of intimacy and a level of sort of shame that you, that you end up having to face that you maybe were able to hide from earlier on.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So a lot of these things can come out. I've seen— I have several clients where, you know, men in their 50s who are starting to all of a sudden in their life, like, how did this happen? You know, there's this sort of midlife crisis. There's the feeling of, you know, what have I been doing all these years? What do I want for myself? I'm getting older. I don't, you know, now I can't have erections all the time. It's like all of this stuff comes flooding in to be dealt with.

Yeah.

So yeah, yeah.

So what I hear you saying is that oftentimes the unreliable erection can unmask some of the deeper issues that a person has to deal with that they've been hiding or sublimating, because part of being a man is having a reliable erection. And if you're able to be sexually active and you're able to just get it up and feel like you're having good sex, then that creates a level of self-confidence. And when that disappears or becomes more challenging, that can then unmask some of the things that you were pushing down and, and, and avoiding, which you now have to deal with. And so it's like a double whammy, isn't it? It's like, oh, now not only do I have to face the fact that I don't have a reliable erection, but it possibly is something far deeper that's going to require a lot more work than just taking a blue pill.

Yeah, and that's, that's, um, I mean, that's really what I think is probably going on with many, many people who don't have reliable erections. It's And then there's the anxiety that grows from that. There's the pattern that you get locked in, you know, when you start to— so then the anxiety about whether or not you're going to be able to perform. I'm using air quotes, perform, because sex is not performative. But yeah, but there is that potential performance anxiety that is, that is sort of like a, you know, a loop that you— mental loop that you get in and self-defeating.

Yeah, and, and alongside that, I think from speaking to, um, younger people that I know, there is some— there are some problems going on now with much younger men around erectile dysfunction through just watching too much porn. And, you know, that's another thing that can get in the way of true intimacy. It's just you get stuck in the loop, which is, I've only got that very specific trigger now because I've watched so much porn that the only thing that's ever going to get me off is if she's a size 6, she's got her head— her leg looped over my neck, she's got long blonde hair, her mouth is open in a particular way. Oh, like, it's literally so specific. And yet, and you're looking down at your partner and a bit of cellulite and whatever is going on and thinking, oh, that's that's not working, you know, that's not working because you're so detached from, from real intimacy. And I know that that's, that's become like a massive, massive, massive problem now for all ages, but probably more maybe for younger people because they've just grown up with porn, whereas older people are now finding their way to addiction in later life.

Yeah, it's true. I mean, the porn industry is not— it's a $3 billion industry, you know. It's not— and it's designed to just create addiction, to need more and more and more and heightened, heightened, you know, sort of, um, excitement. And, uh, so that you'll buy more, basically.

Yeah.

Um, Yeah, it's, it's challenging. I, I'm not a— I'm a big fan of, of erotica, and I'm not a big fan of porn. And that's a big blanket statement, but, um, you know, and if you don't know the difference, erotica is sort of created with— for artistic value, you know, and for stoking desire and being titillating without Um, you know, it's more like gourmet stimulation rather than a Big Mac, the Big Mac of sex. Okay, now I'm just being silly.

It's also, I mean, you know, the, the difference, it, well, A, it's, it has some, it tends to have some artistic value. Um, typically it doesn't degrade women. And, you know, that's the other thing. Typically it doesn't. And, um, and yeah, I mean, it's totally different. But I, I think that too, again, too much of, too much of the porn stuff can— we've had people on TikTok that have, um, definitely said that, you know, they have no intimacy with their partner anymore, or their partner can't get it up because of porn. And it's a much harder— I think For me, that's, that's a really difficult conversation because often people are ashamed of watching porn and they don't really want to be told that porn has led to them being, you know, having unreliable erections. And so they might look for avoiding— avoidance to just not have to deal with all of that. And I suppose that gets back to some of the deeper issues that people have that you don't want to confront, which is, you know, what, what's this about for you, really?

Yeah, yeah. And I mean, there is, you know, I, I work in the world of sexual reintegration after addiction in recovery.

Um, and so the, my, you know, that sort of population we were talking about, people that are addicted to porn and having to get back into the world of intimacy.

It's an intimacy disorder is what I wanted to say. Oh, right there. When people are hiding out in sex addiction and that's their coping mechanism, there's often trauma underneath of that.

Yeah.

And, and sex addiction, there's, there's sex addiction that is acting out with real people and there's also a sex addiction that's really a porn addiction. Right. And both of those scenarios, the sex that they're having is not relational.

Yeah.

It's not a relational, um, it doesn't have anything to do with It's just a purely like, it's a, it's a, it's a dopamine hit. And, and often the acting out is depersonalized. Right. So as you are looking at if you have a porn addiction, while you correct the behavior and wean off of either wean or go cold turkey into sobriety from porn. Yeah. Also growing and looking at and doing the work to look at vulnerability and intimacy and all of those things that don't really need to be addressed when you are acting out in your behaviors.

I suppose the thing that strikes me about all of this with men and their pesky erections versus women and their non-lubricating vaginas is that we— with men, it feels like there's a lot behind this, this particular topic. And maybe there's a lot behind it for women as well. I suspect there is, we just haven't touched on it. But, you know, a lot of stuff that goes on with women and not lubricating has to do just with the fact that we haven't got as much and many hormones going, you know, like lack of estrogen, stuff like that, right? I mean, there's just stuff that just happens during the menopause. Like, we are not able to necessarily control that. That is a physiological thing. And getting wet is something that if you get excited, typically, you know, then you get wet and stuff happens. But I suspect that there's, you know, there's a lot of stuff that goes on. Look, I know that there were periods in my marriage where I found it hard to get lubricated. I know that. I know that that's not always true. Sometimes it is a psychological thing, right? Where— well, sometimes you just no longer want to be intimate with that person.

Yeah, 100%. And, you know, the, the quality of your erections is— and the amount that you ejaculate and all kinds of things. There's so many variables that can be, um, that are comparable to whether or not, uh, you know, your vulva is vagina is lubricating. And some of that is like the time for, for women, for, or for people with vulvas.

Yeah.

The, you know, where you are in your cycle. Are you hydrated? Are you, you know, I mean, then are you, are you in a situation, are you having sex with someone that you feel comfortable telling them what you want? Like sometimes we don't lubricate because our partner's doing something that it doesn't necessarily, isn't that exciting, but we're in a situation where we feel like it's awkward to really start to say, okay, you know, I need you to move to the left and lighten up a little bit. And can you stop with the heavy breathing? You know, like sometimes it's not appropriate to really say all of that. It's just easier to reach for the, the lube or the coconut oil, you know. And, and, you know, there's so— there's, there's so much sort of physiological stuff that has to go on. I mean, it's a miracle that we have sex at all. Really, it's so complicated.

It's true, it's a miracle. Yeah, it is, it is. But, uh, but we do and we enjoy it, so that's good. And for those who, you know, who are struggling, then the bottom line is, as Zoe's— talk about it.

That's right, that's right.

And that's us. Zoe's probably going to go back to sleep now and or whatever, and I am not. And that is us from Sex Advice for Seniors and Sunset Satisfaction, our new brilliant sponsor. Please go seek us out and tell us what you think. Leave us a comment, share this with your friends, you know, subscribe, do all that good stuff that we love, and we will see you soon. Goodbye, cheerio!