Episode 62: Suzanne goes to an adult club

Hi, I am Suzanne Noble, and I am Zoe Noble, and we're back with Sex Advice for Seniors. And we were talking about what we were going to talk about, and I don't usually talk too much about what I get up to, but I thought I would just because because, well, we couldn't think of anything else. So I thought—

and also, Julie is incredibly curious about what you actually do get up to, Suzanne Noble.

Yeah, so let's talk about that. So I have re-engaged with the swinging and the kind of BDSM scene recently with somebody, and we're just having a really nice time, like going to clubs and exploring that scene. And really just enjoying the fun of it and not, you know, there's nothing attached to it. And he's a very chilled guy. And I, you know, I like hanging out with him and I think he feels the same about me. And we, neither of us go in with any expectation, which I think is fundamental when you're going into these environments because we have seen so many movies like Eyes Wide Shut and others, right? Or these movies I saw, I saw Black Mirror the other day they were like in a BDSM type of club and everybody looked really cool and they had colored hair and they all had great bods and they were kind of clawing at each other in this kind of animalistic way. I was like, the last fucking BDSM club I went to, they were serving like cookies and tea and potato chips or crisps and everybody was sitting around talking about like the fucking machine that they made with bits of spare parts from Homebase or whatever you call your home.

Home Depot.

Home Depot. And it was all like super geeky and some guy was geeking out, laughing hysterically every time he was hit with a whip, which was incredibly disconcerting. So it's never like you think it's gonna be.

You make it sound so alluring.

I know, right? Honestly, you have to go into these places with a sense of humor.

What I was going to ask you is typically what are these environments like for people who have never been to a sex club or a BDSM club? Do you walk in and everybody's having sex all over the place?

No, typically not, actually. I mean, there's a difference between a BDSM club where people are more into, you know, impact play and, and spanking and whipping and stuff. And in those places, sometimes you never see anybody having sex. You just see a lot of impact stuff that goes on, which can be quite shocking if you've never seen anybody, you know, being spanked really hard to the point where their skin was turning red or even sometimes bleeding, or, you know, whipping and flogging and caning and all that kind of stuff. And typically, for me, that's always a precursor to the main attraction for me, which is getting, having sex, intercourse sex. But for some people, that's totally what they want. That's it. That's all they want. And they don't want any more, and they don't have sex, and that's it. And, and so I, I see the BDSM clubs as being quite separate from swinging clubs, where people do typically go to either have sex in front of other people or to have sex with, with other people. Right?

Yes, typically.

And the ones that we've been to, both the ones— we've been to a few places, but the one that we went to recently, which we went back to, was a really, really large place that was kind of like in a commercial stroke industrial park, which is very typical of the swinging clubs in the UK because they don't want to be recognized.

Right? Yes. Yes.

So, so they're kind of off the beaten track. There seems to be, for some reason, a lot near Heathrow Airport. Don't ask me why.

There are— the same is true here. And I actually live somewhat close to LAX, Los Angeles Airport, International Airport, big airport. And there are— there tend to be parties like, or, or sort of clubs that pop up and go away and pop back up and go away. In that area, in the warehouses in that area.

How strange. That's really funny. So, so yeah, there's, there's quite a bit of that. So one that we went to was close to the airport, and I'm not going to say which one because there's a couple of them. And this one, you walk in and there's like a little reception, and then you go up the stairs and you're in a very, very, very large space. Like I'm talking large, like probably 3,000 square feet, like big, you know. And off of that, there's some little private rooms where you can keep the blinds up or down with a kind of rubberized mattressy sort of thing, vinyl covered, usually vinyl covered, cleaning up the wipes, the spillage. And then in this one, and this will Just like my Pilates class.

Yeah, they give us a wipe at the end to wipe up the reformer and any of the weights that we've used.

Exactly right, lots of tissues. And this one, so there's a big main area that's like a lounge, and there's a pole in the middle that I've never seen anyone use. And then there's rooms off to the side. And this one, you go downstairs and there's a sort of dungeony space with— and this is the fun part, although it didn't seem to be working there— there's a large American vehicle that's like, like the front of a truck or something, and they've cut out the back and they put like, they put like sofas in the back of the thing. So it's like you're having sex in a car, which I think is kind of fun.

I would like that. Yeah.

Yeah, kind of fun, kind of cramped because the ceiling is quite low and the cushion and the platform that the sofa thing is quite high. So there's a little bit of, of adaptation to your body that you have to do, which if you're an older person can be somewhat, uh, difficult. Let's say maybe we're not as flexible as we used to be.

Yeah, yeah.

And you're squishing your head against the back wall and trying to do stuff and whatever. Um, and in this particular club, there are prices for couples, and single guys are admitted, but they have to spend considerably more. So they spend like the same amount and a little bit more than you would as a couple, which is fairly typical of most clubs that admit single guys, and not all of them do, you know.

Right, right.

So This one admitted a few single guys, one of whom, disconcertedly, was very similar to Russell Brand.

Oh wow.

Except he had no hair, but his voice and his mannerisms were literally so similar that had Russell Brand decided to just like shave off all his hair and take off his beard and just leave a bit of stubble, he could have been this guy, which, which we found Slightly disconcerting, I have to say.

Yeah, I would.

So that was, that was kind of funny. Um, anyway, I went with a couple who I'd met in the Cap-Jag and had a little bit of fun with, but they're like a proper couple, and you know, we're not really a proper couple, we're like a playmate couple. So that's always an interesting dynamic, right? Because in my experience, when you're with a couple couple, there's a bit more negotiation that needs to go around boundaries.

Sure.

Right? Whereas when you're in a playmate couple, yeah, sure, you probably— you still need to negotiate boundaries, but they're a little bit looser because there's not so much emotion involved. And so my friend, female friend, she's quite— she's, she's quite sensitive. She's quite sensitive in the way that she likes things. She's— and she's also quite dommy, which is quite funny. She likes to give orders and she's quite bossy boots.

What— why is that funny? Is that unusual for me?

Like, it's more because I'm sub— subby, like I'm more submissive. Like, being with a woman who's kind of more bossy, it's quite sexy, actually.

Yeah.

Yeah, frankly, I think being with a bossy woman when I'm not bossy is quite sexy, because had we both been bossy, I don't think that would have worked, right?

So I also think that being both submissive is not really necessarily— I, I can't have sex with anybody that doesn't dominate me. Yeah, I mean, that's true. And that's kind of why I think my first husband, why we had a sex— one of the reasons we had a sexless marriage, which you can read about in my book. Um, that's, you know, I think that that was one of the reasons I, I said at the time in my I was in my 20s, and so I said at the time, in my uneducated, unexperienced self, um, we're incompatible because we both want to be dominated. So, you know, and there you go.

Do you know, I was the same. Yeah, exactly the same. Exactly the same. I didn't know anything though. I didn't know anything. And after a while, I got so sick of initiating, bored few fucking tears. Yeah, I was like, I'm not doing this anymore. I don't want to initiate anymore. I'm sick of it. And I didn't. And that really put me off, you know. But yeah, so being in this situation with this couple where she was quite dummy and she's cute and I like, I like having fun with her. And that was quite, that was fun. And, and then her husband is very, very sweet and I like her and I like him. But then there's also the thing about condoms and all the safety aspect, because they obviously don't use condoms because they're together, and we use condoms because we're not kind of together. So yes, so in my head— and, and her husband has some issues around latex allergies, he actually really does. So I was kind of like a bit, I don't know what to do, you know, and everything. So it was kind of like ended up being what's called soft swing, which is where you don't do like a full swap and you just kind of play in the same space with each other, with your individual partners, and maybe there's a little bit of interaction that goes on between the— between all of you, but not the full-on swap where, you know, but I have had sex previously with her husband with a condom, but it was then he had some bad reactions. So I was sensitive to that as well. So, so yeah, there's just, there's just quite a lot. And then there were the men. That was the other thing. So the club was virtually empty. There was literally like 10 people there. So it was like dead and it was vast and it was dead. And I— so we played this fun kinky game of Jenga, believe it or not.

With like, with real, with like wood pieces, or did you ask with humans?

No, we played Jenga with wooden pieces that had written on them. Every time you pulled out something, you know, and the thing didn't topple over, it had something written on the block of what you had to do. So like take off an item of clothes, kiss somebody that you don't know, You know, it was quite fun, like a little icebreaker-y sort of thing. I thought it was quite— I thought it was quite fun, actually. And we enjoyed that, and that was— it kind of loosened us up. So that was— that was fun. Um, but yeah, the single guys there, there were only like 2 or 3, and I didn't really think it was appropriate and I wasn't really into them, to be honest, to invite them in. So that's another thing, it's like, you know, you're aware these single guys have paid a lot of money— not that that's my problem, because it's not my problem, right— but that they want some action, right? So if they see some couples that look fun, which we did, then they're going to want to get right in there. And you have to be quite clear, like No, mate, it's not happening. So, you know, there's a lot of stuff that goes on that you have to be pretty confident about, I think, in general.

Yeah. I'm very curious about how much conversation you have before you go into a situation like that. Like all of those, all of, all of the boundaries, all of the sort of guidelines? Do you— where does that conversation take place? On the phone? Does it take place at dinner prior? Does it— do you go there and just sort of like figure it out as you're engaging in—

yeah, I think because, because we've all had quite a lot of experience and we're all pretty confident. Yeah, I think that And I know that my friend, if I didn't say anything, she'd say something. Like, we weren't, you know, we negotiated kind of as we're going along.

Yeah.

And within the, she's like really clear about what she likes and doesn't like. So there's no doubt.

Like she's giving orders.

Like she's, you know, she's the one bossing you around, which is fine 'cause she knows what she wants. And yeah, I think so. That was— and during the actual, during the actual thing, during when we were just like in the midst, she was checking in as well and just saying to her husband, you know, is that okay? Are you enjoying that? Is that good? Is that not good? You know, like she was checking in. And me and my friend, yeah, we— he's quite clear as well. So we don't do as much talking about it as I suspect if you were a complete newbie, or maybe is even advisable. And I think there is definitely something to be said for— because he said to me at one point, he was like, I thought you said you don't like to be like, you know, like you don't like things a bit hard. 'But you seem to be.' I was like, 'Well, it's all in the mood, isn't it?' I mean, just in the mood. I'm just kind of in the mood at the moment. So yeah, I'm going with it. But usually might not go for it. But, you know, things are open for just, you know, yeah, if I don't like it, I'll just say stop. So that's the way it goes. But yeah, I suspect the thing is, if you go to a place as a newbie and it's really quiet, which it was, and most of the people there just didn't appear to do anything. They just appear to play fucking Jenga all night, which, yeah, seems a very expensive evening to just play kinky Jenga then.

Well, so here's the thing though, um, some people are voyeurs, you know, and, and probably love to be in that atmosphere with stuff going on around them in close proximity. Right.

Yeah, I think there's that. And I think there's also something to be said for if you're a newbie and you're a little bit unsure of what you want to do, as you said, just going into the— just going in the place. Yeah, getting dressed up, wearing your sexy clothes, sitting there doing something that's a little bit outside your comfort zone. Right, is quite a significant thing. It's quite a significant thing, and we have to respect the fact that we don't know where people are on that journey. You know, some people may never have been anywhere before. So I think that was— that's the thing. But for me, it's always slightly disappointing. Look, I know with my friend that, um, we're just always going to have a good time because we just do. Like, yes, he's like the most chilled man probably in this area, one of them that I've ever met. And we have not yet, even when we've been to places where we've both been like, well, we won't be going back there again. We've always had fun.

Yeah. So, yeah, you know, sometimes too, um, for people, I, I know people, and I could be one of these people actually, where I would go and, and watch and observe, and that would fuel fantasies for, you know, the rest of my life. I can imagine somebody feeling like, I don't want to engage, but I want to, I want to be there and supporting and holding, holding the space, you know.

Yeah.

And for me as an exhibitionist, at least in my, in my fantasy life, and on occasion, you know, in real life, I would I would be happy for someone to just be watching me and not engaging. So, um, yeah, there's room.

And the thing about these places is that you can do that if you want. You know, you, you can just ask people, do you mind if I watch? I think that's the thing, is just to be sensitive to why people go, right?

Like, yeah.

I don't mind being watched, but it doesn't really do much for me.

Right.

I think, I suspect, although I could be completely wrong, that my friend may like being watched more. But that's fine. I'm okay. Like, you know, it's fun. It's okay. You know, and for me, I like being like, I really, really, the thing that I realized that I really did like in this particular scenario was the couple that we went with, they're like really chill, they're really fun. And when you're in a space with another couple and you're just kind of doing messing around, even if it's just like kissing a girl, just, you know, fondling parts, bits and things, and watching somebody else, which I quite like, and being in the same room as somebody, it's, it's really horny.

It's—

yeah, it's really— I find it really horny. And I just think I get, I get really, really turned on by that. And then, you know, I go home and have more fun usually. Although that particular night we were so exhausted that neither of us— we just went straight to sleep. But it was, you know, it was just, it was just horny being in the same room. And then of course, you know, the thing that we realized after that was that, look, you don't actually need a whole club to have fun with doing this kind of stuff. And sometimes the best thing about going to a place is just meeting another couple and just arranging to do something at your own place after that, and just maybe having some dinner and just arranging to just play around without spending £50 and drinks and travel and having to get home and all the rest of it. When you can just do that in your own home.

Yeah, without a bunch of single men. Yeah, trying to get in.

Yeah, yeah. But it's not easy to meet couples, and, and that's one of the benefits of going to these places is just you get to meet people in real life and you get to know whether you like them or not and whether they're into the same kind of thing that you are. And if they are, that's great. And if not, then, you know, nothing ventured, nothing gained. You just have fun with the person you're with.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's right.

Can we talk about age a little bit?

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, my friend is 66 and her partner is in his 50s. And I would say that most of the people there were in their 40s. On up. Yeah, there weren't too many people that were younger than the 40s. I, and I think that speaking to a lot of guys recently that are like friends of mine that are back on the scene or dating scene that are my age, they all seem to only be able to find women in their 40s, like, because they're up for that. They've just out of a long marriage. I mean, I get it because I was one of these women. Like, you know, out of my long marriage, up for adventure, checking out, you know, like just ready to go for it, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

So, so, so if, if our senior listeners are— some of them I can imagine are saying, oh my goodness, good on you, Suzanne, but I could never in a million years, right? And some of them are like, huh, I thought I was too old for these shenanigans. Maybe, maybe I should give it a go.

Yeah, and look, I mean, it does definitely make me more aroused and excited and more up for having sex than I usually am in like my day-to-day life. So these are the sorts of little things that I do. To just like flick the switch a little bit and turn it up to amplify what's at a fairly low murmur most of the time, you know, except when somebody like now just sends me a picture of a dungeon somewhere. I'm like, oh, that looks fun. Okay, little murmur downstairs, it's going, ooh. But you know, generally it's on a pretty low volume. So I do these things like, I know most people would just think this is crazy, but I literally do do these things to just like switch the volume up a little bit.

Yes.

Yeah, because it's, you know, in your late 50s and 60s, sometimes you just are like, I can't be asked. Yeah.

Yes. And rather than choose to just stop having sex and let that part of your life sort of drift off— there's nothing wrong with that if that is what you prefer to do— but for those of us who have gotten a lot of joy out of sex for our, you know, adult lives, um, you know, it's a good— it's a good way to stay vibrant and have, you know, be in touch with that part of ourselves that is alive and engaged.

And I think it's worth pointing out as well that these— most of the people that go to these clubs are not like a size 6, you know, like they're not tiny. They're just— these are normal size, plus size, you know, all sizes of women and men, and they just want to be in these sorts of places. And so there's— so from a body positive point of view, it's a bit like it was when I was in France. You walk around thinking, I'm okay, I look okay, I'm, you know, people want to have sex with me, that's good. Like, you know, it may just be because I have a vagina, of course, but, but, you know, whatever. Um, I think I think I'm okay. And I look at other people and I think, you're not perfect, but you know, you're up for it. And there is, there, I think a lot, some people do struggle with that. Look, they do. They struggle with the fact that, oh, but not everybody's gorgeous. It's like, yeah, not everybody is gorgeous. But sometimes what we, you know, certainly what I find attractive is just like a cheeky sense of humor. Oh yeah, someone who's just like really fun to be around, quite sexy, you know, they don't have to be perfect.

Yeah, I've never been one to lust after the perfect body. That's not, that's not what turns me on, you know. I mean, that's nice if that happens to be what you have, but that's not the driver for me. No, I like a bit of swagger, the confidence.

Yes, the confidence, isn't it? It's the confidence that's a turn-on. And yeah, and I suppose that's the other thing is going back to boundary setting, which is really super important in these places because either you're with a guy, and which I have been, like dominant guy, and said you're in charge you know, you— I'm, I'm open for X, Y, and Z, but, you know, I'm making sure that you know what that is. And within those parameters, you, you are in charge, right? So, yeah, if other people come into the group and whatever, you know, I'm okay with him kind of negotiating that, but Somebody has got to take that responsibility, right? Somebody has got to be strong enough. It doesn't matter who it is in the partnership to be able to be clear about what they like and don't like. Now, obviously, if you're new, you might not know these things, and you might get yourself into situations where you're like, actually, I'm not enjoying this, I need to stop. And at which point you need to be clear, like Nope, stop, not happening. You know, I thought I was into this, but I'm not. Stop, move on. You know, without getting traumatized, without feeling like you're letting someone else down, disappointing someone. This is all about your own pleasure, taking control over your own pleasure, or giving that to somebody else who really you love. And you don't need to love them, but you need to trust them. Right? And that's really important because otherwise you can be— it can get dangerous, I would say that.

Yeah, or traumatic, you know, personally traumatic and violating, you know. Um, yeah, in that sense it's actually quite a venue for self-development and practicing, you know. Practicing taking care of yourself. Yeah, I would suggest, uh, you know, something like a bouncy house first and not going—

yeah, maybe not the optimum way to practice self-development, but a way to practice self-development. Yeah, a way. Yeah, for sure. I mean, I But yeah, practice, practice setting boundaries at home first. Definitely if you've never done it before, talk about what you think you may or may not be comfortable doing, and, um, look out for each other, right? Because that's the thing, is look out for each other. And for me anyway, it's really, really, really super important that whoever I go into these places with really is chilled. Like, yeah, not with too much expectation or hope. Just whatever happens, it's going to be good, it's going to be fun. Because there's nothing worse than going with someone with a high and a heightened sense of expectation, and then I spend my whole time worrying that this isn't good enough, you know?

Right.

No. Oh, maybe he was expecting more.

And, uh, Yeah, what I hear is like there's such a requirement to go in and take care of yourself and focus on what's happening for you and what you want and what boundaries are being honored or not honored and how to communicate all of that, that the last thing you need is to be doing that for someone else.

No, that's right.

Yeah.

Yeah. It's a bore as well to do it. It's kind of like, you know, I'm not here to kind of satisfy all your fantasies. And there are many people who are very new for whom somebody like me is just that. I'm like the, you know, I'm the fulfiller of fantasies, right? And you just think, no, I just can't. I just don't want to be that person. Go and find another newbie and fulfill your fantasies collectively. Yeah, I don't, you know, I, I'd rather go with somebody who's a little bit more experienced and chilled and just, you know, just wants to just have fun no matter what the, what the situation is. And I think so far, to be honest, we, you know, we've set ourselves this little task of trying to explore many of these places in the UK as we can, and I've made this spreadsheet, this Excel spreadsheet, because like I'm very organized like that, where I'm putting little reviews down of all of these places that we go to, which he thinks is hysterical, right? He's like, you're so organized. And I said, well, if we're gonna do this like properly, I'm gonna forget like which one we went to and what happened and what it was like. So I write these little reviews afterwards, like there was nobody there, we did this, we did that, we played in a room, blah blah, blah, blah. And, um, and so far everyone is like, there was nobody there. It's like, I'm waiting for the one which is like, we got there and it was heaving and there were people all over the place. Like, you know, because it's just everyone reads the same. It's like, we got there, there were 10 people there, nothing was happening, they were playing sexy Jenga.

It's really so fascinating. There was an article in the LA Times, uh, yesterday or the last few days about someone, some guy who's eaten like 300 hamburgers in Los Angeles trying to— in search of the best hamburger in the city. And now I talk to you and you're in search of the best sex club. In the UK, yours is much more fun.

Well, what else are you going to do when you're my age, right? I mean, you know, you got to do something.

Crochet. Crochet.

Keep yourself entertained. Yeah, yeah. So far, look, so far it's very amusing and enjoyable and we're having a good time, and that's really all that it's about for me. Just, yes, having a good time.

Yeah. Yes.

Anyway, Zoe, I hope you feel better. Zoe's, Zoe's been a bit under the weather through various things. And, um, we were going to talk about this time that Zoe visited a Domme, but now we're going to set ourselves up for an even better episode, which is having the Domme on the show, which I think is going to be super exciting. So keep your ears peeled for that one. So I think that's going to be very, very cool. But for now, it's goodbye from me and goodbye from me.