Episode 93: Sex and Slowing it Down

Hi, I'm Suzanne Noble, and you're listening to Sex Advice for Seniors. And today I'm with Amara Charles, all the way from Santa Fe, New Mexico. Sounds, sounds so beautiful. Who's a sex and intimacy expert with an emphasis on spiritual sexuality. So welcome, Amara, to Sex Advice for Seniors. So nice to have you.

Thank you so much. I am so excited to be here.

Cool. I'd like to ask you, because I always like to ask everybody when we get started, how did you first get involved with the world of sex?

The very first time, time when I started to get involved, I honestly, to be very honest, I was a complete mess. I had broken up in several relationships. I was at my wit's end. I didn't know what to do. I like to say, you know, I was at a period in my life where I liked sex, sex was fine, but actually it led to a lot of disasters, a lot of stress. And I didn't know, I didn't know anything about how to communicate, about how to ask for what I want and that sort of thing. And so I went and I learned and I became educated and I found out, wow, there's a whole way to learn how to be more comfortable in my skin, how to like my body, how to shed shame, how all those things. And I just— it changed my life so dramatically. I became a teacher, I became an author, and I really essentially devoted my life to saying that this is the way that we can really change humanity, is just really, really own and really be comfortable and, and, and find out that sex can be natural, it can be good, and it can even be a spiritual doorway. Into the divine.

Yes, I've certainly had some very spiritual experiences myself. I don't know if they're into the divine, but they felt divine, so perhaps they were. One of the things that we were discussing was about this time later in life where we just need to slow down. And you were telling me before we started recording that you'd recently had a retreat that you'd taken some couples to, of all ages, in Costa Rica. And one of the things that you encourage them to do is to slow down. How did you do that?

Well, I think this is like the major, major big deal. And when I created this retreat, I said to myself, okay, what do I need? What do I really want in my life at this stage in my sexual life? And the biggest thing that came up for me was I need time. And the time, there's two ways I look at that. One is, you know, as I'm aging, time is the most precious commodity I've got. And the advantage I have is I'm more urgent about that now. I know I just have a certain amount of time here in this beautiful little body and this beautiful time and the planet and stuff. And I wanna take advantage of it. So I realized that because time is so, valuable, so precious that I need to slow down. You know, there's a saying like, hey, if you're in a hurry, you better slow down, right? So I realized that the biggest thing that people need in their sexual intimacy world is to, is to learn how to slow down. Now I know there's a lot of people say that, okay? And so I just really went in very deeply and I said, not only do we need to slow down, we need to relax inside of sexuality. And we need to create a, what I call a no pressure zone inside that space. So the body can melt, so the body can relax, so that we can feel free to move at our own pace. Okay. And it takes time. And we'll talk about this. I know that it takes time. Men and women often have a different speed and that kind of thing. And I'd love to, you know, speak about some of the details here about how do we do this? Because I realize that that idea of slowing down inside of our sex, inside of our intimacy, is the ticket, is the secret sauce. And I'm really excited about sharing how do we do that.

Yeah, I mean, look, I think there's a multitude of reasons as well why slowing down just makes sense. Because, you know, we know as older people, it takes longer to get to an orgasm, for instance, for both men and women. And so there's a legitimate reason to slow down. And, you know, I know that lots of older women sometimes are attracted to younger men because of the fact that, you know, they can recover quicker and maybe they get a stronger erection and all of this sort of thing, which is generally true. But my own feeling is that being with a person who's more age-appropriate is more of a feminine energy. I don't know if you agree with that, is that in this slowing down, it becomes a more feminine energy where we're not all rushing. Like, you know, we— I always felt when I was younger that I had to constantly keep up with a man's intensity in order to make sure that I got there in time, because I knew— I felt like we were on a— some sort of a little race, you know. Whereas I think as older people, if we acknowledge that our bodies changed and that slowing down actually means that we're both going to be able to go on this journey together without it feeling like it's a race to the finish line.

Yes, I absolutely 1,000% agree. And the trouble with that is that a lot of that speed is wired into the body, is wired into the brain. It's a big habit that's been going on and on and on for years. And you're absolutely right, both men and women have it. We have this expectation of what it's supposed to feel like, what it's supposed to look like, how much time it's supposed to take. You know, if I take too much time, are they going to get, you know, are they going to are they going to peter out? And so we hurry up, we hurry up. And the Taoists have a saying that, hey, if you're in a hurry, you better slow down. Okay. So that if we are in a hurry, we really want to feel, I mean, there's something good about the urgency. There's something good about wanting to connect, wanting to feel, wanting to have orgasms, wanting to feel love, all of that. Should be urgent, right? We want that. And we should never, never, ever forfeit that because that's still absolutely possible. And it is meant to be like, I like to say that we just remember this, that our orgasms are for our health. I like to say that, you know, Great Spirit gave us orgasm for two reasons. One, to reconnect us with where we came from because we were all born through that. And there's just a heightened, that's what, you know, this divine experience. We all want to feel that heightened, whatever you want to call it, divine pleasure, whatever. And the second reason is for pleasure, to feel good. And it's as simple as that. So with that, yes, that rush is kind of coded into the body, to the mind, to the psyche. And so we rush. And the trouble with that If we live by that old patterning, that old conditioning that has worked sometimes, but especially as we get older, it just doesn't, it doesn't, it doesn't work. So we have to find what I call a new way, a new doorway into sex. And it can't start with the physical excitement. Okay. It has to start from a different place. And I like to keep it very simple. All right. So it has to start with the energy of connection, the energy of closeness, the, the energy of what you want. And so it starts with the energy, not with the physical. So you start with the connection first through your talk, through your conversation, through your touch. And when that touch is slowed down and there's no pressure, inside of that touch to go anywhere, that it's really, really slowed down. Now, I was talking about that, that retreat in Costa Rica, that intimacy. It's called Mystic Rapture. Thank you for mentioning it. Okay, so what we did was we slowed everything down, even for the young people. All right, it's not only— yeah, you know, it's for anyone. All right, so we just slowed it down. And what I found out was that people's idea of what slow means, they slow down for about 2 seconds and then they speed, they go right back and they forget.

Right.

So then, so I'm, I'm here, I'm here guiding everything. And so this is what I say. Okay. So I say you're, you're touching. And this is like a little tip that you can do with a partner or by yourself. You just, even if you're with yourself, you can do this. Right. And The idea is to slow everything down by half. I say, okay, just let's slow down by half speed. Now what happens is at first it feels weird. I'll be honest. It feels like, well, you know, cause we're used to this friction. We're used to speeding up. We're used to this thing. Right. And so we want to, when we think, okay, I gotta go fast in order to feel okay. So it takes a little bit of time to, to change that. To discover and explore inside of slowing down, something else happens. The body relaxes. And the key is the secret sauce is this, right? When the body actually relaxes, at first it feels like you can't come to an orgasm again because you feel like you got to tense up the body. You got to squeeze tight. You got to push harder. You got to have a lot of friction, a lot of speed. And that's what's going to get you over the hump. And that's what's going to allow you to orgasm. So it takes practice. And it takes time to slow down and actually feel the sensations and get over that little, that hump of like, I don't feel anything, or this feels funny, or it just feels like, and you relax inside of that sensation. And then what starts to happen is there's a delicacy. I gotta tell you, it's subtle. All right? And so you gotta wait for it. You gotta like slow the body down, slow your breathing down. And if you stay there, what you're gonna discover is there's this beautiful sensitivity that arises. There's this beautiful like ability to feel that happens. Now I've been able to show this and teach this to all kinds of people, people that are used to like wham, bam, thank you, ma'am. And I just wanna put in a caveat. There's nothing wrong with that. It's like, I don't make that anything wrong. You don't have to make anything wrong in order to change, right? So, so if you want a little bit of that, you want to like a 5-minute quickie, go for it. You know, it's not, it's not wrong. But for most of us and most of the time, there's a whole world of sensation and feeling and love and tenderness and carefulness that happens when we slow down. It's kind of scary to slow down because that intimacy, that love that happens, even though we want it, it's scary. It's like, whoa, I'm feeling all this stuff. So I'd like to just have— I just like to kind of rush through it, get through to get— have an orgasm, and then boom, we're done, and it felt good, and okay, that's okay. But when you slow down, and when you slow down, you start feeling more. The scary part A lot of times for men, but also women, if we're used to speeding up, okay, is when you slow down, you start to have more emotions. Okay. Now I have so much to say about this. I hope I'm not going on and on too much, but can I share with you like one of the ways—

you know, I was going to say that, you know, one of the— it occurs to me that all of this slowing down and becoming closer to your partner requires— well, A, it requires a lot of trust.

Yes.

Because it's easier to just kind of speed away, get it over with, as you say, and then, and then it's all finished and you can, you know, you can just carry on. So it's— I've always found that when I've been in circumstances with people where I've been able to have this kind of slowness. It's typically either somebody who's already taken the time to understand that slow can be good. So, you know, it's a man who's maybe explored Tantra or some other spiritual kind of sex where there's been an emphasis on slow, but If a man hasn't done that, I found that it can be a bit freaky. And like you say, it can be— it can, it can leave somebody feeling quite vulnerable because I suspect that, you know, one of the big challenges that a lot of older men face, especially in that— and I suspect part of the reason why they like a lot of friction and they like it hard is an effort to maintain their erection. Just from a purely, you know, physiological point of view, if you do that, the chances are you're going to stay hard, right? And then it can be the case that if you're not having— if you're not used to that degree of friction, your biggest worry is, what happens if I lose my hard-on? Right?

Yes.

I mean, how do you deal with that?

How do— oh gosh, that's a great topic. All right, this is a great subject. Well, it goes both ways. It has to be understood, right? Oh yeah, I totally agree with you. I mean, yeah, we like to say like the, the erection doesn't matter, it doesn't matter if you're hard, but the reality is, is that for most people it matters a lot. And you can't ignore that. You can't deny that. Now, I just want to beg to differ a little bit here because we have this concept of this person has to study Tantra and this person has to be spiritual and yada da. And I just want to offer this for that. Yes, there's some truth to that. There's education, absolutely, that can happen, that can show men that it has to be I put it this way, it has to be better. There has to be something in it. And most men are used to their own, their own member. You know, I don't know how freely we can speak here, but they're used to, you know, holding themselves up there, pressure with their own pressure. And they say they masturbate, they have this particular way and that's encoded into the body and they got that hardwired in there. And so that's what it takes. Okay. So if they're going to do something different, it has to offer something even better, otherwise forget it because it's pretty good.

All right.

So it takes time to, you know, to go like, oh, there's like this, there's something that's even more wonderful and it has to be experienced to be believed. All right. So I don't like to make anything wrong. There's nothing wrong with fast and hard. All right. If you're there, you're there. Cool. Don't make it wrong. And open up like for a quantum leap that you could learn. You don't have to learn years for this. And I just wanted to say this, this one thing. I had this lover once, right? No tantra, no nothing, no spiritual. And he was one of the best lovers. He stands out in my mind as one of the best lovers. And when I was designing this retreat, my memory went back to him and I was like, what was the best time I ever had? And he was so slow. I won't go into explicit exact details, but I'll just say that he spent like, it was timeless. It could have been like 2 hours or something. And all he was doing was lightly with his hand and opening it. And it was like, after this period, I was like, I was so ready. I was so, I was wild. I was just, it was just insane how much I wanted this. That's by the way, what I'm talking about divine. I mean, I call that divine. Okay. And so, You know, this guy, he just had it. I'm just saying it is, it is just an understanding of readiness. And the basic idea is that you want to care so much, you want to love so much, you want to open each other up and give each other time to be wanting to be ready. And there's really, really no hurry. I think that's the cool part about That's what I'm experiencing as I'm aging is like, you know, I've had a lot of orgasms. I get it. They are wonderful. But like, I don't have to have that and then boom, that's it. I can, I can luxuriate. And there's something even more wonderful during the journey and the time. And when I'm relaxed and when I feel no time pressure and I feel like I can step out of my own habits, my own patterns. What I discovered with is that having a relaxed orgasm is amazing, and I can have many enrolling orgasms, and men can too. And it's very weird at first, I know this, okay? But discovering a flaccid penis, playing with the sensations and just enjoying the sensations of it That's where the gold is. That's where the, the love can be savored. And, and, and there isn't a, okay, we got there. Okay, we did it. It's like, I love to luxuriate. And what I discovered is so do a lot of other people. They love to linger and, and, and have rolling waves of pleasure and then take a break and come back to it. And, and if you haven't gone up in, I call it like a peak tension, climax, crash. You go, you go fast, fast, fast, peak, peak, peak, climax, crash, boom. And then you're kind of done. And women are too. Okay. So if the body just knows that, that's all it knows. I call it the stairway to heaven. You can, you can have pleasure waves.

Okay.

And that's, that's where the beauty is. So I'm definitely— yeah. What other questions do you have?

And I agree with you that we don't need We don't need to— we don't need to couch it under the Tantra framework. It's more about, as you said, for me, it's, you know, one of the things I think that we benefit from as being older people, especially if our kids have left or we didn't have kids or whatever, is that, you know, we can set this time aside just purely for intimacy, right? We can just say, my time is always Sunday afternoons. That's my time. And I just and Sunday afternoon's blocked out basically for that.

Awesome.

Because I don't— that's the time I can just like chill out. I don't have to do anything. And it gives me the opportunity, as you say, to just relax and not feel like I'm on the clock or I've got to get to work or there's something I got to do, the cleaning or whatever. And I think the more we can actually recognize the importance of intimacy in our life, the more important it becomes to actually schedule it. And I know that lots of people go, oh, scheduling sex doesn't feel very spontaneous. But, you know, as older people, we do need that amount of time to just deliver ourselves into that place where we feel ready for sex and whatever that looks like.

I love that.

Hey, just, you know, just spending an hour touching somebody without any requirement for like penetration means that after an hour you're gonna be like totally up for, you know, whatever sex looks like to you. So I do, I do, I do get it. I do think that certain people, they need to, they need to hear this.

I, you know, I agree with you 100%, Suzanne, because you've come a long way to schedule that priority, that, that, that Sunday. There's a lot that goes into making that happen. You have to recognize that it matters, that it's important. Now, what I know, because I've been, you know, sharing with people for over 30 years, is that Making our love, making our intimacy, making our orgasmicness, having that be a priority in our lives is a super big deal. It's a really big deal because, yeah, life will just cram in and keep you busy until you, till your last breath, and boom, that's it. So, you know, you, you got to carve out that time, and that takes, that takes commitment, that takes grit, that takes understanding, and that if I lose that part of my life, if I lose having orgasms— and I just got to take a timeout here because a lot of people I know are still, you know, they haven't had a great history and they've had— comes with a lot of frustration. And it's everything, you know, they just want to keep busy. Maybe they're creative or they do, you know, other things or they work out or whatever and they just crowd out time. And so intimacy is a lesser priority. Okay, so what I believe it takes to bring it back up towards that top priority, like at least in the top 3, is to keep intimacy on the top of your radar and the top of your mind and the top of your schedule. I love the way you say schedule. It's like, okay, what that takes is like a lot of times, a lot of times there's like, there's stuff that needs to be repaired. Okay, there's stuff that's stuck in there that's pressed down, like memories that hasn't been fun, or times where the body just is numb, or it hurts, or there's the big excuse of, look, well, I don't have anybody. And what I say to all of that is, I'm gonna call bullshit. It's not true. It doesn't have to be your reality. If you succumb, if that's the identity that you go with, you're gonna lose your, your, create your intimacy. And that's a big thing to forfeit in life in my book. So in order to really carve out that time and to say, I'm doing it, doing this every Sunday, I love that, that's beautiful. I do something similar, all right, where non-negotiable, this is what's going to be, and that's the way. Because first of all, you got to realize what I want. Why is it important? You got to get in touch with why do I want to have this touch, this intimacy in my life? All right. And so in that, what I like to say is that that's where you have two identities. One is that just brushes it aside. It doesn't matter. It hasn't worked. Da da da da. My partner, this and then all those excuses. That call— I call that the supervillain, and that will munch away your enthusiasm, your, your effort. Okay, then you got to like call out and you got to condition this other identity inside of you that says, wait a minute, okay, this matters to me. I'm not leaving the planet without hugging, without being close, without enjoying love happening in my body. Okay. Yes, there's energetic love, but I'm just going to call it like I see it is like when love is rolling in your body and you're feeling alive and you're feeling orgasmic, it's irreplaceable. And once you've had that experience, there's nothing that replaces it. There's no chocolate, no vacation, nothing. No, you know, new car, new house, whatever. I mean, you got to make that important. You got to say, I want this. You got to say, I'm not going to, I'm not going to let this go. And if you're having trouble, that's where you get, you know, like, that's why I coach people.

Yeah.

Okay, then let's find— first of all, you got to recognize, I want this, right? I'm not letting it go. I'm gonna have it. I'm gonna find somebody. I'm gonna find— or I'm gonna start with myself. Okay, I start a lot of time, I call it polishing the mirror of self-love. You do, you keep, keep your motor humming by yourself, right? Okay, and there's a beauty to that.

Yeah, yeah, for sure.

Yeah, there's a beauty to that. But I like to really encourage people to share it because it's exponentially sweeter, isn't it, to share this energy with someone? I think, you know, that's, that's most— that's what people want. And so that's what I want. So we really want to, like, to emphasize that, that priority and to bring it as an important thing that I'm not going to let go of. I find that there's really that secret sauce that I like to talk about. And I do this whole thing where there's like 10 steps and I'd like to just share a couple of those steps here today so that anybody who wants to, you know, like have a clue of how do you create a no-pressure zone where you can slow down and take your time. And then when things speed up, you're right there, you're right ready. All right. So, um, can I share just like, I think one little fun thing that comes to mind. Yeah, please do. Go ahead.

Yeah, go ahead.

Okay, great. So, you know, uh, this is a podcast, so you can't see my hands, but just like, there's, there's one of the habits I notice is what I call this kind of the window washer touch, right? Where it's just this kind of touch that goes on automatic and it doesn't register. It's, You're not present, you're not there. And so I do this whole thing to activate our sensitivity, starting with touch. Okay. So it's not to just slow down the speed. Okay. That's part of it. So what I do is I call this the, the flower petal exercise. And I do this like with a partner. Okay. Uh, with, you could do this with your partner. Okay. So what it is is you simply you go out and you find a flower or a plant, okay? Something very delicate that, that has different textures on it. All right. It's just a fun, easy way to actually have the experience of slowing down. This is not going to happen in your head. This is not a concept. You have to do this. All right. So you, you, you just slow the touchdown and you, take— you put a timer on, okay, for 10 minutes, and all you do is touch that flower. Okay, now I teach in the shamanic tradition, and this is what actually— what is called a Phoenix Fire Woman. And she would teach young men, or teach— Fire Man would teach young woman how to be more sensitive and caring in sex. And this is what they would do: they would take you out into nature and Okay. Nature's the greatest teacher of all. And they would actually have you do this and slow down starting with plants because plants are givers and plants teach us, teach us how to give with tenderness. That's the secret sauce to give with tenderness. That's what allows us to slow down. So it's like you're in the tips of your fingers there. Your heart is coming through on each fingertip. Okay. And so you're giving with that intention. And you, what happens is you start touching this flower and for like the first 2 minutes you go like, okay, already, you know, I kind of bored here. I got the flower. Right. And then something happens. You stay, you stay anyway and something clicks.

Right.

And you go, oh, and then in about 5 minutes or so, it's a little different for everybody, of course. But what happens if you stay, when you stay just touching, The flower starts touching you and you go, whoa, this feels really good. You're not doing it to the flower. It flips around. And suddenly what happens is now the flower is touching you. And that's where it's like, oh my God, that feels a little craggly over here. It feels so soft over here. Oh, it's a little wet over here. And suddenly all these nuances, all of this stuff that you weren't feeling because you were just ignoring it. You were just going, doing automatic, whatever. And you're going through the motions. And we hate that when we're doing that sexually. It's like, so I just want to— I want it to be over fast. You know, when that's going on, it's like, okay, could we please stop here? Right. But when we're really slow down and we click in, I call it a click, that sensitivity just pops and it goes, whoa. And now just take that sensation and imagine it. Because the next step I do with people, of course, is I say, Okay, you got the flower down. Okay. And I have both do this right now. Let's do that with each other. And I do the same thing and I have one person touching and then the other just receiving. Right. And you do this too for like 15 minutes. And the same thing happens. You get through this barrier of when is this gonna be over? And okay, I've got, I'm done, you know, and it's boring. And you kind of move through that block, right? And then it suddenly becomes timeless. And I've literally had people having a, like, an orgasmic wave move through their whole body just by doing this, just by slowing down and just by waking into that click and staying there, moving through that block. And then that sensitivity occurs. Now, when you practice this, you can do this all over the whole body. And that's what I discovered that we really want. And then in the retreat I just did, The people were just— we, we took like a whole day of people were— I mean, they were just having the most orgasmic experiences. And when you have that going on for a while first, and then you want to have like a passionate, you know, thrusting against the wall thing, even that is better. So like we were talking earlier, it's like, you know, I especially when I'm working with men, because I work with both men and women, you know, when I work with men, Like, and now I have to say the same thing is true for women. We're used to a certain way we touch. We're used to a certain way we reach orgasm, and that's kind of wired into the body. But I like to say it's softwired. It's not hardwired, meaning you can change it.

Okay.

So this does take time to rewire in like this relaxation, this no pressure, this take your time, and you're going to hit that wall of boredom. Of like, okay, just, I don't feel anything. You gotta move through that. And that's why it's good to have a coach because you just, you gotta stay there and keep going and you'll find it and it'll click. And then you go, whoa, that feels so cool. I didn't. And so, you know, I didn't know that was there. And so you start noticing and here's what I'll say about that. That secret sauce is this. It's like the essence of the whole thing. When you are more sensitive and caring, your love just naturally starts to happen. It goes— you're caring for the other. You're caring enough to slow down, and you become tender. And in that tenderness, that love, that care, that friendship, that sweetness, that passion, that has a chance. It's like molten lava. Even though it's powerful, it's there. But lava moves actually when you you really see lava, it just oozes and it moves very, very slowly. Okay. And then it explodes. That's what you're going for. Right. Yeah. Okay. So yeah, that's a little bit about—

and I think, and yeah, thank you so much. Cause we're coming to the end, but I think, you know, one of the things about all of this in conclusion is that for me, and one of the things that you said which really I know resonates with lots of people, is that if you want intimacy in your life at this age, aside from the aspect of slowing down to really, you know, envelop yourself in that love and the touch and the pleasure, is that you need to be intentional about it. It's, it's something that what you said is about you really have to want it, right? And if you want it, there are things that you can do to manifest intimacy in your life, even if it starts with just the love that you show for yourself and the way that you self-pleasure. But, you know, in terms of reaching out into the world, it's also about being intentional about that. And I think that for a lot of people, they've decided that they, you know, they, they're not going to be intentional, and therefore they're frustrated when something doesn't happen. And I think that, you know, for me, that's one of the most important aspects of all of this, is that I made a conscious decision in my later life to be intentional. I didn't have to be. I could have just decided that I wasn't going to have sex anymore, and that was going to be the end of it. But You know, it was important for me, and so I made time for it. And I'm, you know, continuously exploring ways, such as speaking to you, to make it better and to learn new things that can improve, improve my intimate life. So I really thank you a lot for that. It's been a really fascinating conversation. And I know you said that one of your offers was a little session that anybody could have with you. A little sort of complimentary session.

I, I'll share really quickly about this. Oh my God, I, I love talking with you. I hope you invite me back because I have— what you said was so important. I just want to add one more little thing, like don't compare yourself to the past. When you, when you're aging now, it's going to be different. Let go of the past and step into something new. All right. And that's a whole other conversation. But yes, what I offer is what I love to offer. I'm really, really passionate. I feel your passion too, Suzanne Noble. And what I do is I offer an intimacy breakthrough session where we can talk and I can take a look at what, what's going on for you, what's preventing you, okay? And then map out a plan for how can we get back in touch with what you really want and how can you have the intimacy that you want in your life. So I call it an intimacy breakthrough session. It's complimentary, and you'll get the details on how you can hook up with me. I am Amara Charles, and you can look it up and find out more about what I do. So it's been beautiful speaking with you, and I, I hope we can continue this conversation. I love, love, love what you do. Congratulations on your, your passion, your mission. I totally love and support what you're up to.

Thank you. Thank you so much. And it's just been great speaking with you, and I'll publish all your details and how people can get in touch with you on the Substack and notes and Thank you.

You're welcome. Take care. Have a beautiful evening.