Suzanne Noble says stagnant sex lives come from avoiding change and not communicating needs. Small gestures like notes, cooking, massages, or a kiss can make a partner feel wanted. Men often expect women to toggle desire like a light switch, but stress and feeling overwhelmed kill it instead.
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Suzanne Noble. If you want a sex life that's different from the one that you've got now because you're dissatisfied in some way, then you have to be open to change. Nothing changes if nothing changes, as the cliché goes, and when it comes to sex, that's absolutely true because if you're not getting what you need and you're not saying what you want, then it's unlikely that anything is going to change or be any different than how it is, how it has always been. That's just the way it goes. And sometimes it's about stepping into the fear and about saying what you want or you need. And it doesn't have to be out loud. It could be through leaving little notes. It could be playing little games and doing fun things. But for me, if I'm not interested in having sex, with my partner, it's usually because I'm not feeling particularly desired. And desired isn't just about somebody who wants to have sex with me, it's just about touch, it's about feeling wanted in all sorts of different ways. That could just be taking over some responsibility in the house for like emptying the dishwasher or offering to cook dinner or just taking you out, doing something nice. Could be giving a massage, could be holding your hand, could be a kiss on the back of the neck. Anything that makes you feel wanted and makes you feel relaxed is likely to create some form of intimacy. But I think for a lot of men, they just expect that women just can switch it on and off like a light bulb, and it doesn't work like that, especially when we're older. So I think it's all about how we can connect with our partners partners in ways that make them feel wanted and that, that make them want to relax. And if you're feeling stressed because you just got too much stuff to do, then it's unlikely you're going to want to have sex.
