She Said ‘Not Tonight’… Here’s What It REALLY Means

How do you respond when she says not tonight without putting any pressure on her? I hear from so many men that their partner just has decided that they don't desire sex anymore and that they are just sick of being rejected. But rejection can mean a lot of things. It can mean that the sex has become painful. It can mean that the sex has become monotonous. It can mean that her libido and her interest in sex is low and that she's just not feeling sexual. And there are many, many different ways that you can overcome this, but for me, the first point is around communication. Because if you don't communicate what's going on in your body, then rejection can feel like dismissal. It can feel like they no longer want or desire you, whereas it could just generally mean that they're tired and not necessarily a rejection of you. Grace builds trust and pressure is always going to destroy it. So one of the things that you might attempt is non-sexual touch. And there are various ways that you can do this. You can just agree that over a period of a week, you are not going to initiate any sex that involves genitals, but you're merely going to just remember what it was like to just touch each other's bodies, to just stroke each other, to give each other a massage, to kiss, but without actually moving to the next level. And often that non-sexual touch can reignite desire over time. And the other thing is around solo pleasure. I don't think we talk enough about solo pleasure and masturbation, because solo pleasure in itself can reduce the pressure that we feel to have partnered sex. I'm not just talking about men here, I'm talking about women as well. Just getting in touch with your body, using toys, using fingers, remembering just how to pleasure yourself, because I know if you can't pleasure yourself, it's very difficult to be able to to somebody else how you like to be pleasured. And solo pleasure can just reduce that pressure that a partner can sometimes feel to have sex. And I think there's a few actionable steps you can take. One is the way that you respond to your partner when they say that they're not up for it. You can say, "I totally get it. Wanna have a cuddle instead?" or "Want 20 minutes of alone time?" And by that, I think we know what we mean. And the other thing, of course, is flipping that script so that if you do desire sex, there's one really fun little trick that I've been taught by Suzanne Noble Noble, a sex therapist, which is that putting a coffee cup out on a countertop can be an indication that you're both up for it. So if the partner puts the coffee cup out on the worktop and the other partner leaves it there, it means, yep, we're both up for it. If, on the other hand, the partner puts puts the coffee cup back in the cupboard, it means not tonight. It's not directly a rejection, it's just saying, you know what, I'm not feeling up for it this time. The next day you could say, after you've had that cuddle for example, or just stroking, you know, last night felt really close, would you like more of that? Again, there's no pressure because it's the pressure that often makes women especially feel like this all about the men's desire. This is all about a man wanting to have an orgasm, whereas it should just be about two people wanting to be close with one another. If you found this video helpful, I would really appreciate if you hit subscribe, and you can get my weekly newsletter by going to sexadviceforseniors.com.