The Hidden Reason Gay Men Can’t Find Lasting Love | With Matchmaker Anthony Canapi

And he literally came to me being like, "This is my last chance, you know, to have a lasting connection. And honestly, if I don't find anyone through you, I guess I'm just gonna be alone for the rest of my life, unfortunately." He was at a point where he was just ready to give up, ready to give up on love and just be able to say, "I'm happy being single. I have a thriving business," you know? Took a while because of course he is a little older, in his 70s, but we were able to match him with a really great guy and him and his match are now married.

Hi, this is Suzanne Noble, and you're listening to Sex Advice for Seniors. Are you gay? Have you ever considered using a matchmaker, having failed perhaps at using the dating apps? My guest on this week's show is Anthony Noble, who is the CEO of bestmanmatchmaking.com, and we're going to discuss why men would want to use a matchmaker and how you can be successful when finding your true love. So Anthony, welcome to Sex Advice for Seniors.

Hi Suzanne, thank you so much for having me. It's an honor.

And tell me, how did you get into this game of matchmaking?

So I've been matchmaking now for 12 years. It's been a very long time. My first ever match I ever done was when I was 16. I was 16 years old. It was when it was the rise of dating apps at the time. So the rise of Tinder, etc. And my best friend at the time, we were both 16. We were just on the apps. Fun fact, it was around that period of time you only had to be 13 and older to create a profile. It wasn't until I was getting into college where they bumped it up to 18 for obvious reasons. And I remember, you know, me and her being 16 at the time, you know, I remember her showing me her profile and she was like, what do you think? And I looked at it and I was kind of like, this is not it. This is not it. I remember I was at her house and I'm like, we're going to do a full-on Queer Eye. You know, we went through her closet. I took photos in her backyard. I did the swiping for her. I remember her telling me, she's like, oh, I don't like that match. And I'm like, I don't care. I'm swiping on it. And I remember she swiped right on this, like, boy at the time who she found, like, cute. And then I remember we would go on Skype— Skype once upon a time before Zoom— and I would, like, give her, like, dating advice of how she would, like, text this person over Snapchat because they only had Snapchat at the time and they would just, like, snap each other and, like, send messages. And I would give her tips and, like, what photos to send, what videos to send. And then they dated for a period of time. And then I remember I was in college and I was doing a media internship. And one of the internships I was doing, one of my— they had like speakers come and talk a little bit more about the entertainment industry. And one of them was my then boss at the time, who's a celebrity matchmaker. And she was just talking about the power of networking. And then I remember towards the end of her speaker series, she was like, oh, we're looking for an intern to work for our matchmaking company. And I remember I said, Okay, if I apply and I get this internship, I'm going to just give my all. And if I do good, I'm going to give it a try for a year. I ended up working for her for 6 years. And then I think what happened was, is there was just a big need. I was in WeHo at the time. I lived on Melrose and Harvard, and there was just this big need for gay men. And I remember my boss at the time, you know, she was very respectful for the gay community. She's like, it's not my niche, it's not my realm. I don't want to work with a community that I don't know anything about. So I kind of took the leap of faith. I told them, hey, not only do I want to go back for my master's degree in psychology, but I'm going to put in my notice. I want to try this gay matchmaking for myself. And I've been running Best Man Matchmaking for 4 years, and it only specializes working with gay men. So we work with gay men. It used to just be Los Angeles, but even though we do focus that as a, uh, priority. We do work with, like, all throughout nationwide in the United States, gay men who are wanting something that's like more, that's real, you know, something that they really just want to be able to date authentically, date genuinely without having the worry about the endless swiping that I hear. I even would go to like the bars in WeHo or downtown and people are just on their phone. They're on like gay niche apps like Grindr or Scruff, and they're still swiping even though before phones were even a thing, you would meet them at the club, you would meet them and try and make those connections. And now they're just on their phone trying to see who else is in the club. And then even at that point, the problem is, is that they're looking for something short term or looking for something quick. Whereas with a matchmaker, they're looking for something serious, they're looking for something long term. But not only that, they are looking for something to where they do want organic connections. That is back to the basics. That wanting to ask those big meaningful questions instead of something that is just quick and easy.

Yeah, and I know that I have one of my— well, funnily enough, before you came along, back in my college days, actually, I was known as the kind of gaydar on campus because I was in this very provincial New England university. And no, there was no way for gay men to be able to find each other other than through other people. I mean, there just wasn't— there wasn't— we didn't have apps back then. And so because I was an arty kind of alternative sort of person, gay men used to naturally be attracted to me. And so people that knew me that were gay would say to me, is he— is he gay? And stuff. And I'd be like, yeah, yeah, he's gay. And Two people, two people that met via me, as far as I know, have been together and married for like 30 years, maybe more than that, actually. And so I know that when you meet somebody through a connection like yourself, that is a much stronger way of meeting somebody often than meeting them through the apps where, as you say, A, nowadays it's all short-term, and B, it can take you so long even when you do meet somebody through the apps and they've told you all of this stuff, it can take you ages to actually discover like who this person really actually is. And are they seeking genuine connection or are they just like, you know, in it for some short-term hookup, right? And when you— do you find that amongst your clientele quite a significant number of people are older men?

Yeah, I feel like a lot of people there's actually a stigma that I always get. They always ask me like, what age do you work with? Yeah, look, you're so young. I'm pretty sure you work with your age. And then not even clientele-wise, I had people in the professional industry tell me like, oh, you're so young, you're going to attract the young crowd and you're probably going to work with the young crowd. Reality is that I work with everyone, including those who are more later in life and seasoned in life. And You know, one of my biggest successes was last year with my 70+ year old clientele. And a lot of people are just like, oh my God, he's like, you were able to match him. And his story was just so amazing. You know, I remember him coming to me. He was from another state and he unfortunately his partner passed of how many years. And he literally came to me being like, this is my last chance, you know, to have a lasting connection. And honestly, if I don't find anyone through you, you know, I'm kind of, I guess I'm just going to be alone for the rest of my life, unfortunately. And then that was really sad. You know, I remember doing that consultation. I remember just having like a few, like, little, like, watery-eyed tears because he was at a point where he was just ready to give up, ready to give up on love and just be able to say, I'm happy being single. I have a thriving business, you know? But there was something within him reaching out saying, like, well, I shouldn't be able to just settle. I'm still a relatively good-looking guy. I should still be able to go out there and have fun. And it took a while because of course he is a little older in his 70s, but we were able to match him with a really great guy. And his story is actually on my Instagram because him and his match are now married.

Nice.

It was a really cute story. I remember the story was on his way to the date, his tire popped and he was going to say to the mechanic, he was like, I'm actually just going to go home. And it was the mechanic who actually told him, you're going to go to that restaurant and have a fun time. And I remember he got to the restaurant, he was at the bar, the maître d' told him, hey, your match is here. And I remember he said he turned, he looked at his match, and he was like, that's him.

Oh my God. Amazing. And is he of a similar age or similar age?

Yeah, he's also, I believe, 60s.

So, oh, amazing. Because often, you know, I often think that my best friend is a gay man. He lives in New York. He's in his 60s. And he, he struggles with, with this whole thing because he said that for gay men in New York, oftentimes the relationships that they form are with much younger men. And much younger men are kind of looking for a sugar daddy kind of guy. And there— and my friend is not looking for that. He's looking for an age-appropriate man, same kind of similar age. And he just said it's so difficult to find. I mean, how do you go about scouting for another 60-plus-year-old man in an urban environment like LA. I'm fascinated because we're not hanging out at bars and clubs, I suspect. I mean, maybe gay men are slightly different, but I know that we're not hanging out at the same level as, as, you know, as much younger people. How do you go and find these people?

You know, I think before I even go find these people, that is something in gay dating that I think a lot of people who don't put in the advocacy or allyship understand. And fun fact for everyone to know, not only am I a matchmaker and a dating coach, I'm also a psychotherapist. So I use a lot of my psychotherapy and a lot of my psychology degree background to educate, but also help my clientele, not necessarily give them therapy, but give them a lot of psychoeducation. For example, you know, I think one of the biggest things in gay dating is that some men unconsciously freeze their dating expectations in the dating marketplace. So because of that, you know, you may hear like criteria like, you know, very narrow age, a very narrow age range, or like a specific body type. And the issue is not like the standards themselves, it's just the rigidity. But then not only that, you need to also understand a lot of these older men build their lives during times when partnership felt unsafe. Not only am I talking about safety being a gay man, but we're also diving into the HIV and AIDS crisis. And then as a result, they deeply develop a deep identity around self-reliance. And there's a lot of expressions that are out there being like, I'm used to doing everything myself, or keep me partner at arm's length. And then what ends up happening, Suzanne, is that because they never had that space back then to be themselves, and now a lot of people in the 2020s, 2026 range now because they're dating so younger. It's because that person, once upon a time, they never had that dating experience. Which is why a lot of people always ask, like, why are you dating younger? You're 50s, 60s, 70s, you're dating this, like, 20, 30, 40-year-old. It's not sadly because he's a good-looking guy. It's sadly sometimes due to trauma of I never got to live out that 20s that I could have when I was back then because I couldn't date safely and I couldn't be myself. And before I can even match them, I have to process that with them because let's be honest, it is hard. And then it's really hard to avoid that because many gay seniors, I find they carry relational trauma. Like I said, HIV/AIDS crisis, discrimination, but also relational instability. So it's really important for them to understand, like, at your age, you are so much more wiser than someone compared to me who's still has a lot to learn. I may be matchmaking for a lot, a period of time, but what's something that you have that I don't experience in life? And you need to own that and own the idea that there's someone in alignment when it comes to really understanding that, you know, even though you want to encapsulate and emphasize youth, you can still be 50s, 60s, 70s and still have that childlike quality despite the age. And I think once we can get over that hurdle, you know, then I can actually introduce you to great men. And you'd be surprised, you know, a lot of men of different ages come to me. But, you know, I do find a lot of gay seniors and those who are more seasoned in life. They do find me on social media. They find me on Google, they find me on ads. But also I recruit in person. You know, I actually go out to networking events. I go out to dating events, I go out to parties, and it's a great conversation starter, first off.

Oh, yeah, I bet.

They always ask, like, what do you do? And I'm like, I'm a matchmaker. I always hear, you are? Or I always hear, like, the older men, they always sing this song from Ella Fitzgerald, like, matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match. And I'm like, yes, let's make you a match. And then sometimes what's really fun is that you know, I do talk to them because when I talk to them more deeper about dating, then sometimes a little bit of, you know, a little bit of like that rigidity of like dating does come out because they're just like, listen, Anthony, this is what's happening with me. And I'm like, okay, let's sit down and talk about it. And sometimes I hear the same thing of like, I can get a good guy, but it's not a long-term guy. And, you know, I tell them like, hey, let me keep an eye out for you. Or, hey, I'm working with this great guy. I think you two should. And at the end of it, something that I hear a lot is, I'm too busy. I do not have time to swipe for hours and then reply back to all these men. It even went to a point where my business partner, his name is Daniel, he even conducted a study on his own. He found that for every 100 profiles that said yes to half of those, so 50 would actually start a conversation, but then half of those 50, 25 would actually reply back. And then within those 25, it'll be about like 10 that would actually continue a convo. But within those 5, it would be actually initiating a conversation of let's actually go out and get drinks. And then it would be 2 or 3 that would actually ask for drinks. Now you're probably asking yourself, 2 or 3 dates, that's good, but that's out of 100 people on an app.. And the harsh reality is that sometimes it can feel very pen pal-ish. It can feel very much so like you're talking and dating a screen, not dating a person. So just going back to your question, Suzanne Noble Noble, that's why a lot of people go to a matchmaker, because we eliminate all that time for you so that all you can do is sit back, relax, and I will either text you, I'll email you some potential candidates, and then if you would like to go on a date with them, I set up the date myself. I'll set up the date, the time, the location. All you would have to do is just show up, get to know the person in front of you. The next day I follow up with you to see how the date went. It's very organic, back to the basics. There's no app, there's no login, no algorithm. It's basically a human connection white glove service.

Yeah, and I think that these kind of services are becoming more and more vital. I spoke to a woman yesterday, I did, um, a live TV thing on Substack where I, where I host sex advice for seniors. And she, as a straight woman, as a heterosexual woman, she in her 30s, she was just saying that for her, the apps have just become a nightmare. And I think we're seeing this more and more now. And I think this is not just in the gay community, this is in every single community. It's like we've now reached peak fed-upness with these dating apps and are looking for different ways to connect. And I suspect that that's why people like you are probably more sought out now than ever before, I'm assuming, because people realize that, as you said, the statistics— when you're looking at that, when you're swiping and you're matching and then you're communicating and you were, you know, getting ghosted and everything, the amount of time it takes to do all of that is so onerous and so enormous that, that I suspect that it's like if somebody is just going to take all that pain away from me, just tell me, how much do I have to pay him? You know, like, how much do I need to give this guy? But it sounds like because— and I really respect what you say and I hear what you say about the fact that for a lot of older seniors, a lot of being and stepping into the identity of a gay man has taken probably a lot longer than it would have done as a younger person who perhaps came out when it was acceptable. And I can totally understand why there might be some rigidity in their approach because of that desire to capture a youth that they never had. And I really, really hear that, but I also hear the fact that you seem to bring your psychotherapy work very significantly into this practice or this matchmaking. Um, how much time do you spend with these people getting them to this point where perhaps they're a little bit more open about the kind of person that they might be open to to meeting up with?

Months. Months. Because here's the thing, I find this more with seniors and those who are more seasoned later in life. I feel like one of the most psychological reasons that a lot of gay men, especially older men, hire a matchmaker, it's a lot of hope restoration. It's a lot of decades of just difficulty navigating dating environments that are not safe. And then once again, not only having to experience HIV and the AIDS crisis, losing partners, loved ones, friends and family from the HIV/AIDS crisis, long periods of time of just having to just be independent without having to rely with someone because of that fear of like, if I were to do it in public, I'm going to be discriminated against.

Or even arrested.

Yeah.

In some cases.

Yeah. And I feel like a lot of older men, when they hire a matchmaker, they're saying, like, I still believe love is possible for me, but I don't want to navigate it alone anymore like I used to. And then not only that, I feel like when they hire a matchmaker, one of the biggest things is that they do want to value the efficiency because I feel like now they're in a part of their lives now and stages where society says that it is established, which it is. But the very few things that's just not established is love, because the issue is, is that they just never had that. Being able to just navigate it, one, with community, that's already hard enough. But then someone who has actually put in the work to actually understand dating dynamics. And, you know, it's also emotional guidance. You know, not only do I match you to great guys, I use my background in psychotherapy so that I can be able to help you with the confidence that you may lack or communication skills or interpreting compatibility for someone with not only a psychotherapy background. A lot of people I heard recently, they're like, Anthony, even though you're a younger man, you're gay. You know what it's like to be discriminated just because you like the same sex. And you know what it's like to be discriminated against when it comes to just putting the message out there for your community that we're all just here, just like the person next to us. And, you know, I think a lot of people there, I think they're coming around to know that gay dating is a very specific niche and that it's so specific that, you know, sometimes, you know, you can go to someone. I'm not saying that someone who is, of course, straight can work with someone who's gay. But sometimes if you lack the allyship, if you lack the advocacy, even the education, it's going to be hard for you to connect with your client. Because they need someone who needs that education and support. And especially someone who is older, because like I said, there were many events that did happen. I remember, I'm not going to name names and I'm not one to put people under a rug. I remember I had a client who came to me who was educating their matchmaker at the time about what Stonewall was. And they were like, the matchmaker was like, oh, what's that? Is that a restaurant, a bar? I remember I was respectfully smiling, but I couldn't help but do one of those gay, like, little snake side eyes. Like, really? I was like, do you at least know who Harvey Milk is? Do you at least know who Marsha P. Johnson is? At least do you at least know these figures?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And the reason why it's important is because it is a part of history for us, and it is something that has unfortunately happened. Those riots were something that allowed me to even call myself a gay matchmaker.

Yeah, look, completely. And sadly, I lost quite a number of people during that period of time. So, you know, I'm very aware. And in fact, my university roommate was a guy who came out to me and then said, you know, he'd never had any kind of experience and He came out to me and eventually I moved back to London. He, I forget where he was living and he died, you know, he died during the HIV crisis. So it was like those people. Yeah, but that my age group, we've, you know, if you've grown up in an artistic community and in a, you know, in an urban environment, the light and you're 60, 65, 70 years, you know, we've all, we've lived through that. So I'm, I totally understand that. I just want to— I just want to ask you, though, because going back to your original origin story about when you were helping your friend and putting her clothing together, do you get right down to it in terms of like style as well? Do you like— do you dress your clients as well as just like give them a bit of therapy? Like, how deep does this go?

So depending on, you know, the type of clientele we have, you know, we do have a team of experts as well. You know, we have like a dating photographer on staff. Staff who takes these amazing photos that we can present to their matches. We also do have a stylist on board who sometimes we do utilize because of course it's always great if someone feels like they want to like hype up their wardrobe or change some things up. It's always good to have a stylist. And then we also do have people on staff who are more on the spiritual realm who are more than happy to explore that side of dating that's not necessarily psychological. For example, a gay tarot card reader, a gay astrologist. And then the fun fact for you to know, Suzanne, is that they're all gay men. No one on the staff is like otherwise. We're all gay men. And I feel like something that I think I told you this already, a lot of people are going to gay matchmakers, but especially gay men for those shared lived experiences. We understand the nuances of gay dating that someone outside the community might miss. But then I feel like not only do you have to understand the gay male dating culture, but then there's also a lot of clients coming to us feeling like, oh, you understand it and I feel comfortable around you, I feel safer around you. And that's very important because they were used to an environment that was treated otherwise.

Yeah. And so how many clients do you take on just generally at any one time? Like, how many people are you working with?

Yeah.

So it's like a very like very intimate relationship you build with these people and you really deeply get to know them. And I imagine that must be quite time-consuming.

It is. It's very time-consuming. I think what helps me a lot is I do have a business partner so we can bounce back and forth. We do have a cap though. We always say like 25 and under is always a good cap. It's always a good way for us to focus on the current clientele we have. And then for whatever reason we go over 25, we do have a waitlist. I remember, I believe it was like after Pride, June, July, where we did have a spike. And I remember I told Daniel, I was like, we need to have a waitlist. We have all these people that we're onboarding, but I can guarantee you if we go over 25, we're going to get too overwhelmed to where we can't give these other 25 men who want our time and energy the time and energy. So, and then on top of that, a lot of people think that I'm just matching them. A lot of people don't understand that in the background, we do need to provide that education and that support because at the end of the day, especially those who, you know, are more seasoned in life, there is that cultural nuance within our community. You know, it's not just one uniform group, you know, because not only am I taking, of course, age into consideration, right? But now I need to take into consideration, you know, professional background, their social circles, urban and suburban environments. You know, there's a matchmaker within the community that often has like a deeper network and awareness of these subcultures. And then, you know, someone like Daniel, who is in WeHo, someone like me who grew up and started the business in WeHo, you know, there's a lot of trust that we build with our clients and a lot of representation and of course, a lot of empathy around the clientele that we work with, especially when it comes to, you know, those who are more seasoned in life. And then the topic of aging in gay culture, you know, not to shift topics, you know, but I feel like because this is the sex advice for seniors, I do feel like what's very important is that for gay men, they sometimes carry fear about, like, ageism in dating, you know, feeling invisible socially, you know, starting over, you know, when they feel like they have lost someone in the period of time where you were supposed to live your lives out. But then unfortunately, life happens and one has to go, sadly. And, you know, with a matchmaker who is not only a gay matchmaker, but who is a gay man, you know, we understand these concerns personally. And we approach these matching capabilities and responsibilities with more sensitivity, knowing the life stage and getting them emotionally ready for them to say, I'm ready to get back out there.

Yeah. And of course, the older somebody is, the more you might have to deal with, you know, issues around illness, chronic illness and other, you know, sexual health challenges that impact both older men and older women for that matter, that you know, don't impact younger people. And of course, I think, you know, one of the things that I was discussing the other day with somebody is that at a certain, you know, at this later stage of life, often, and I don't know if you agree with me, you know, we're looking for people who have a shared vision of what our future looks like because our future is not, you know, we're usually past all the stuff that people did in their young— younger days. We might be retired. We might have the ability to travel. We might have the financial stability that we didn't have when we were younger. And therefore, finding a partner that meets all of those requirements sometimes can be quite difficult because we're at that different life stage where, you know, for me anyway, it's like, you know, do you want to spend the next 6 months traveling? Not everybody does, you know. Some people just want to sit around and just like play golf or, you know, whatever. So you are dealing with much, you know, many, many different types of values. And like I said, a sort of shared vision of the future, which I imagine adds to the complexity sometimes of working with somebody who's older.

And to piggyback on what you said, Suzanne Noble Noble, I think That's something that's actually a fun topic that unfortunately, when it comes to those who are more seasoned in life, I call it contemporary issues of aging, questions you need to ask yourself, you know, because, you know, I'm fortunate, you know, of course, being a younger person, there are dating dynamics that I don't need to prioritize, you know? And I think the hard reality is like, of course, when it comes to emotional reliability, sure. But then you're right, Suzanne Noble Noble, about routines, you know, someone at that stage in life wants to travel more or they maybe want to establish property more and settle in a place where they can just see themselves in an everyday setting. But then also, you know, there's topics that many younger couples or those who are not, you know, chronically like ill have to ask themselves, you know, when it comes to like retirement or when it comes to caregiving expectations.

Yeah.

And then long-term housing, you know, a lot of the couples who I work with, you know, they ask these questions because they want to build stronger relational foundations. Not feeling like they still have to attack life somehow because they're at a point in their life where it's like, I should be able to just like wake up and do what I want instead of like waking up and doing a 9 to 5.

Yeah, yeah, completely. And final question, of course I have to ask you, and I know that you're probably expecting it. So what can somebody expect to pay for your phenomenally professional and personal service?

So what can someone expect or how much are you asking?

So how much? Yeah.

So I will say like starting prices here do start in the thousands. I will have to say it can depend on search compatibility. I think something that I don't like because I've been doing this for a very long time and I've seen matchmakers who do have like a set pricing. I don't really believe in set pricing. I believe it depends on the person. And their match preferences. And then depending on their match preferences, it really depends on like the search ability because let's say I have someone who is like in their 50s, 60s, 70s, right? And they do want someone else who wants like 50s, 60s, 70s. And they're very open to the process and they're like, Anthony, I'm just in a place in my life where I'm just happy. I'm retired or, you know, I'm get— I'm semi-retired or I'm about to retire or maybe I'm still a hard worker. You know, the 70-year-old client that I had, you know, He still is an entrepreneur and he's still working, but he's still happy. But, you know, he was at a point where he was just kind of like, I'm ready to go, you know, match me with anyone who you think is a great fit. And it could start around $10,000, $15,000. But I believe, you know, with that amount, you know, you are canceling all the unnecessary things you don't need to worry about anymore. You don't have to worry about the swiping. You don't need to worry about compatibility because as a matchmaker, I'm doing that every day. I'm scouting, I'm recruiting, I'm getting on phone calls, Zoom calls with these guys to make sure they're a fit. And then of course, I want to present you in the best light, which is why we have a photographer. And then, you know, using my background in film, you know, I create beautiful bios for you so that when I present them to your matches, they can see the full version, authentic you. And then of course, presenting them to you vice versa. And then of course, I set up the date, the time, the location. All you have to do is show up. And then the next day I follow up with you to see how the date went. And then we continue the process until you're happily matched.

Yeah, I mean, listen, I was expecting you to say that. Like, that's not like a big surprise to me. I always think when, when people tell me, you know, how much is involved with this and then they say 10 or 15, it's like in my head I'm thinking it's got to be at least that because there's so much work and the amount of time that you save people it's got to be at least 3 times that amount because I know having been on dating apps for years that I've spent too long and I've been too frustrated, too disappointed, and frankly, mostly I give up on the whole thing. But, you know, if I could, maybe when I get to the point in my life where I actually do want to find a permanent partner, then I will seek out the help of a matchmaker. But it's been such a pleasure to talk to you. I've really enjoyed our conversation. I've learned so much. Have a lovely, lovely day. I know it's your early morning. It's my evening in the UK. Have a lovely day and thank you so much.

Thank you, Suzanne Noble.