A therapist explains why guilt doesn't fix sexual mismatches in relationships. When the lower-desire partner doesn't feel her pleasure matters, sex becomes obligation. The real fix: make sure she actually enjoys it, not just participates.
The guilting of it isn't going to solve it because that doesn't lead you to true desire. That leads you to obligation. You know, when I'm working with couples, it's more like, okay, how do we get you into the desirous space? Because there's usually a high desire partner and a low desire partner, but that low desire partner— let's call her she because oftentimes it is her in the heterosexual construct— oftentimes if I, if I see her alone and I have a very frank conversation with her It's not that she doesn't like sex. She's sometimes masturbating. She, in general, does. She feels neutral, neutral to maybe slightly positive about sex. She maybe doesn't like the sex that she's having because she doesn't feel that included. Her pleasure doesn't feel that important or prioritized. And so she's kind of ambivalent about it. And so if we can get her to a place where she enjoys the sex that she's having, it feels like a very different conversation.
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