Why 69% of Women Are Sexually Unsatisfied | ft. Malia Lazu

69% of women are sexually unsatisfied, including 62% of lesbians. This idea of— but I think you're right in this sense of like, you know, why, right? Because there's a lot of different types of, um, this, you know, reasons why you would be dissatisfied. Faking orgasms is one unfortunate thing. Um, But there also might be other areas that we fake it.

Hi, this is Suzanne Noble, and you're listening to Sex Advice for Seniors. And today I'm really delighted to welcome Malia Lazu, who's the founder of Sunflower Spa. She's in Hawaii, lucky bitch. A woman-centered space dedicated to healing sensuality and belonging. And she's created this really inclusive environment so that women can explore pleasure, identity, and self-worth without judgment. And that really resonated for me because, as I know as a woman in later life, so many of us are told to shut up, especially about sex and pleasure. Lots of people don't want to hear about older people's sex lives. I know everybody listening to this does, but, but generally I think, you know, it's still very, very taboo. And so I'm really curious to talk to Malia about shame and confidence and, and what it really means to reclaim sexuality at any age. So welcome to Sex Advice for Seniors. I'm so excited to have you here.

Thank you so much. I just thank you for holding this space, you know, like as you said, we don't talk about it. I mean, at younger ages we talk about it in a maladapted way. And I feel like, you know, I'm getting to the age and, you know, you're reaffirming what I'm saying, that we should be freer the older we get. And so thanks so much for reminding us of that with your podcast.

Thanks. And so you set up this Sunflower Spa. You've got quite a varied background, though, so I'm curious to know what this is about for you and why you did this.

Absolutely. You know, I, I like to say I'm an organizer. Like, wherever I am, I'm trying to take the people who are closest to the problem and get them closest to the solution. Um, and so, you know, I've meandered with purpose in my life, I think, and been able to be in a lot of interesting spaces. And in the past couple of years, you know, I was running a successful business, um, and working with Fortune 500 companies, you Like, it all seemed to be like, check, check, check, you know, bad bitch status. And then Trump got elected and the idea of equity in culture, the idea of liking women, the idea of liking people of color, liking people with disabilities, it all became too hard. And I found myself in the beginning of 2025 being, you know, there was two parts of me, right? Like, the first part was like, pivot your business, you know, like figure this out, you know, get your clients to stay. And then there was another part of me that was just like, no, like I don't want to. Um, and I realized, you know, in the year that I gave myself, um, to figure out what I want to do, that there's so many women in this position that have spent, you know, their entire lives building beautiful lives. I mean, I love my life, But when it comes to the core of me standing in my power, me accessing my magic, me, it was much more of a chore than it should be, you know. And then I heard this stat, and this stat broke my heart. And this is when I decided I was going to be unapologetic about sex and pleasure, which was 69% of women are sexually unsatisfied, including 62% of lesbians. And it was the lesbian stat that really made me sad because I assumed, you know, if you know the roads, you can drive quicker. But what it showed to me is it wasn't about the partner, right? Like, it was actually about can you lay down and receive someone wanting to please you, you know? And I think for women, there's so many reasons why that becomes hard, you know, whether it is shame, whether it is worth, whether it is do you actually feel safe? In this space, you know what I mean? And there's, you know, many women who are sitting with partners for years that they don't feel safe with, right? Like, so all of those things, um, started coming up. And, you know, I have, um, this amazing ecosystem of healers that I've been working with over, um, you know, the last 15 years. And it just made sense to, you know, find practitioners who, um, wanted to help women heal, you know, who were feminist, anti-patriarchal, and to give women a place to give themselves permission.

Yeah, and with that, I mean, look, there's a lot of stats about women and sexual pleasure and lack of satisfaction. I'm curious to know, with that particular stat, what unsatisfied means. Did it just mean not having an orgasm, or what is it? What was that stat? What did that actually mean? Like, to be— because there's various ways of being unsatisfied, right?

Right. It was, it was, it was a range.

You're having and want different kinds of sex, or you could just be unsatisfied because you're not having an orgasm and that's what you want.

Like, what is it? So this was really centered around women's ability to orgasm, right? Um, And, you know, this idea of— but I think you're right in this sense of like, you know, why, right? Because there's a lot of different types of, um, this, you know, reasons why you would be dissatisfied. And, um, but I think, you know, this quote I read in the— I think it was called The Pleasure Gap.

Is that the— oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

And it was like, you know, it was something like about what does it mean that women spend so many, so much time in the bedroom faking it. Yeah, yeah, you know, and, um, and I think it, it, you know, like faking orgasms is one unfortunate thing, um, but there also might be other areas that we fake it, um, and that allow then something as intimate and sacred and magical as an orgasm to be willing to fake rather than being like, hey, you know what, I actually need you to do— you know, like, it becomes easier to just be like, oh yeah, that was great, okay, let me— right, like, you know. And so, you know, these areas where we become okay with being unsatisfied, you know, I think is ultimately the conversation that Sunflower wants to have. You know, we talk about it as purpose, power, pleasure. And, you know, we had this brunch on pleasure and, you know, it was all these women. It was so great. It was like intergenerational. Like our oldest was 72, you know, like our youngest was 35. And this woman stood up and she was a single mom and she said, you know, it's really hard for her to date and, you know, hard for her to find time to actually bring someone home. And so she finally is having this, right? She's able to like bring someone home and they're having sex. And all of a sudden she starts to put together like her grocery list, like what she has to do after she picks up her son, you know? And she just, she asked the pleasure doula that we brought, like, how do I stop that? Right? And you could see every woman being like, oh, I'm taking notes for this. Like, I need this answer, you know? The answer was physical. Like, the answer was get nipple clamps. Like, get, like, like, get something so that you can just bring yourself back into your body, you know? And these are the lessons we're not taught.

No, I mean, look, we're not, you know, we're, we're not taught. We're the biggest challenge that I think we've always had is being able to understand what sexual pleasure looks like for us. And how we can communicate that to somebody else in a way that doesn't make them feel inadequate, right? Like, I need you to do this for me. I need you— and, and being able to be confident enough to, to be able to ask for what you want. I mean, you talked about that this is a big— that for you, one of the big reasons of doing this is to preserve people's anonymity. And why do you think women don't feel safe enough to talk honestly about sex and pleasure?

And because of the— so I think there's two things, right? How sex is weaponized against women, right? And this idea that like men can be hoes but women can't, um, you know, from a very young age, right? Um, sex is something, you know, this idea of virginity, right? Like, you know, and it's this sacred gift that you should give to someone, um, you know, that's actually structural oppression, right? Like, and so there's that piece of it. But then I think as we get into our own social groups, we sort of reaffirm that behavior, you know, and it becomes, you know, it's a taboo subject, right? It's something, and that, and it's almost like medical stuff, you know, like it's something that you're, you know, you don't want to share. There might be shame in what you're sharing. And so, you know, to have a place where, you know, you can find practitioners, you can find other women, and just, um, feel what safety feels like— because I think that that's another thing, you know, like, we often, I think, think about it just as like, you know, well, safety means I'm not about to die or whatever, right? But it's like, no, like, safety actually is psychological, it's emotional, you know, and it doesn't mean you have to be with someone for a long time to feel that safety, right? Like, I mean, I think you can have very intense one-night stands, right? But you just need to know that there's a respect, that, you know, you're being treated with dignity and a level of humanity that can make this fun.

Yeah, I mean, I think sometimes I find amongst other women that sometimes there's a tendency to do a bit of what I call orgasm one-upmanship.

And I love that. Tell me more. Orgasm one-upmanship.

When I've talked about the fact that I'm not a great believer that there's like a zillion kinds of orgasms, and I'm just, I'm kind of quite focused on my clitoral orgasm. And they're, they're a lot of fun, you know, because it's kind of very clear when I'm having one. And then people are like, no, you know, there's— I've spoken to tantra practitioners, it's like, what, you've never experienced a cervical orgasm? And I'm like, no, I don't think I've ever experienced that. And what about this one and the G-spot and that one and the other one? And I'm like, you know, it's not a competition here, girls. To see who has had the most different types of orgasms here. And I, and I think oftentimes it's when somebody does put them out there, out, put themselves out in that vulnerable way that you spoke about, where you said this woman admitted, like, look, sometimes it's really difficult for me to be present. Sometimes I just have— I'm just too stressed out, and the only thing I'm thinking about is, like, the fact I don't have any milk in the fridge, you know. And then other women often say, wow, I'm really glad you said that, because for me, often the conversation is the complete opposite. I'll go, oh, I've been given a load of bottles of lubes. Does anybody want some lube? And I had somebody who was like, I don't need lube, thanks. You know, I'm juicy enough. I don't need lube. And I'm like, well, you know, lube has all sorts of useful— you know, you can use it in all different kinds of ways. Is your ass lubricated? Just out of Right? And they're like, no, but, you know, I don't need it. And so I find sometimes for me, it's about how in those female-only spaces you have the conversations, because sometimes for me, I actually leave feeling worse than I do when I've gone in. Well, you have to—

and this is why the crowd is so important, right?

Yeah.

And, you know, for us, we created this sacred first philosophy, which is sort of like our shared agreements, right? Like, this is what we think when we come into these spaces.

Yeah.

We also start the space in ritual. And, you know, a lot of times it's dancing with a somatic healer or a drummer or something. We also, you know, center a lot of different women, and, you know, we're a very diverse, diverse crew. And so, you know, asking for authenticity and curiosity is the culture that we try to build in all of our events. And, you know, I always say it's the power of the pack, right? Like, if you have a lot of folks that just want to love up on, you know, everybody and, you know, I then that's what people are going to do, right? And I knew we were onto something when we had this moment in one of our first brunches that we were doing. And it was this young Black woman and just beautiful poet, right? Just all the amazing things. And we had a panel, and the panel was diverse, right? And then we had a small group discussion. And one of my friends who was white, was in her group. And she said that, you know, this woman started by— they were talking about, you know, the feelings of the conversation and things like that. And she said, you know, I started with an eye roll because there was a white woman on the panel and I didn't know what white women could teach me about my liberation and wellness. And she was like, but I actually enjoyed her the best. And like, and you know, my like takeaway is that We can learn every, you know, all women can learn from each other, right? Like, and yeah, I think that, you know, when you set up that kind of energy, it kind of becomes hard, but it is really unfortunate. And I think you see this in a lot of wellness practices. You know, I see it a lot in spiritual practices where, you know, your ego can become, you know, can join your quest. And all of a sudden, this self-righteousness feels so right.

Totally. I mean, unfortunately, the—

not that I know anything about that.

Oh no, of course not. But what, you know, there's a lot of myths about women's sexuality, and especially for women in their 50s and 60s. What are some of those myths that you really do want to challenge?

So there is no need to stop. I think, you know, this— and I think part of the narrative— and I love how we're embracing perimenopause, menopause, and maybe because, you know, I had no interest in children, like this idea of, you know, a barren womb, or, you know, like a, you know, my last little egg leaving me, like, didn't really— hasn't really created a lot of stress. I'm actually like kind of Can it just leave so I could like, you know, I'm like, this is my last IUD, right? Like, that's how I'm looking at the world right now, you know. But for so long, it was this narrative that like we were supposed to be miserable. We were, you know, like, oh my God. And like, yes, hot flashes suck, you know, rage flashes suck, right? Like, there's a lot about it that sucks, but there's also a lot about it that's really freeing, you know. But we don't get to say those narratives, right? Like this idea of not being able to be pregnant, like, or this idea of like having travel money, or, you know, whatever it is as women get older. That's what we need to be leaning into. And, you know, and having the confidence to explore your body, you know, and unfortunately, I want to recognize that not all women are there, right? Like, you know, I've met women in their 60s who have never looked at their vagina in a mirror. And like, you know, that was one of the things they did after you know, one of our gatherings, right? And, but ladies, we've made it this far. Fuck it. You know what I mean? Look at your vagina, play with your vagina, love your vagina. I mean, you know, I always say like, I could recognize my vagina in a lineup. Like, are you kidding me? Like, you know, like her and I roll. And, you know, so the older we get, like, the more, the more fun we should be having, you know, especially for folks who have children and, you know, your children are grown, like, embrace your life, you know. So I think the myth that I want to stop is that somehow we can't continue to be sexually active and explorative, you know. Like, yeah, you want to try kink, try kink in your 60s and your 70s. Like, it's— yeah, why not?

Yeah. And I mean, I, I meet a lot of people now who are only just starting to get into that because, you know, they're coming out of long marriages, and a lot of them are just sexless marriages, and they're thinking Well, got it, you know, if it's not now, when is it going to be? And so, you know, they're doing all of that. But I think it's really interesting also exploring the fact of being an older child-free woman, because that is probably the ultimate taboo, is it not? In that a sexual older woman who's not going to be a granny. I mean, it's for me, this is, you know, I find that people find even just the idea of the fact that you get to a a certain age, and they just assume that there's a grandma label that just gets attached before your name because that's sort of how so many people identify older women, right? And so to be a woman, I think, without children and to be sexual, I think that is pretty much out there in the world.

Oh yeah, I mean, it's very interesting to navigate, um, the world, you know, as a single child-free, you know, sexually active woman, right? Like, it's definitely, um, you know, I joke around saying that, like, I go to Martha's Vineyard every summer, and, um, I joke around saying sometimes I just want to, like, rent a husband so that, like, wives will stop giving me dirty looks. It's like, sis, I don't want your husband. Like, I'm just here for the canapés, just like you. If I want anything from your husband, it's probably an investment or a donation or for him to sit on a board seat, like, you know, um, but it's— yeah, it's this, it's this interesting thing that people— because it's also then what people assume, you know. And I think for me, like, you know, I assumed that it, that it wouldn't end, you know. Like, I was like, well, you know, I guess eventually, like, I'll do something, you know. Like, I, I mean, like I said, I knew I didn't want to have kids, but, but then I got to a point in my 40s where I was just like, I'm doing a lot of emotional labor for— so that I could move forward, you know, like in, in getting to know someone or, or something like that. And, um, I didn't know if it was worth it, you know. So I sort of took a step back and was like, you know, um, how much am I investing versus, you know, what I'm actually looking for? Um, and I think it led me to this like really wonderful place of, you know, not worrying about it and also being very open to receive it.

Yeah, I mean, I have a friend who's just turned 50 and single, no kids, and we had a conversation the other day about exactly this, about the fact that she's been dating people and doing a lot of the caring of emotional labor and she's just so tired of it. She's like you, she's a working woman, she's very dynamic, she's got loads of friends. And I think there's a lot of women of our age that are coming to this realization that relationships don't need to make you exhausted.

Exactly. They— relationships, if they're making you exhausted, they're not the right relationships, you know. And I think, you know, this because folks ask me all the time like, oh, are you on the apps? Are you— it's like I'm supposed to be actively pursuing, right? And, and it's like, well, why? You know, and I think, you know, the— not that you cut yourself off, but you decenter it. And, you know, I think for a lot of women, especially, you know, those of us lucky enough to be born in a time of, you know, women can get credit and, you know, I get jobs and all this kind of stuff. You know, we— yet we haven't decentered this idea of, you know, I'm not worthy if I haven't been chosen. And yeah, you know, so we're leading the way, our generation, Suzanne, for the younger folks. They're just going to do the Golden Girls. Like, they're just going to plan for that.

It's interesting though, because you know what? I don't speak to that. I either speak to women who are still out there kind of looking for that romantic partner, right? Really desperate for that romantic partner. And I have people that come in and out of my life that I mainly have intimate relationships with and not much else because the emotional labor is too exhausting and I'm just not that keen on it anymore. But I find that not a lot of us are having these conversations about like, what does a later life relationship look like or not look like? Like, how can we decenter men from our lives when we've been brought up to believe that they are centric, you know, central to our lives? And even yesterday, I had a conversation with a woman who was like, well, you know, there's a legitimate reason for marriage, which for legal reasons, like for, you know, having like medical and pension, you know, like there are legitimate reasons in some countries why marriage actually makes good financial sense. Not that it makes sense in any other way, but especially for women, it doesn't always work out so well for them. But I think it's a really interesting conversation about the fact that at this stage of life, if you've still got your health and you're, and you're financially secure, which is, you know, let's face it, it's a privilege to have both of those things, then we can make that decision. Like, these people do not have to become the center of our existence, and, and we can look at sexuality in a different way than perhaps we did when we were younger. I mean, and I think, you know, that sort of plays into one of my questions about social conditioning. How does that block pleasure later in life, you know, and how can women begin to unlearn those lessons?

Yes, I mean, and you know, and as we talked about, the social conditioning starts, you know, when you're being told that you're asleep and then a man kisses you and you wake up and then you marry that man. You know, when I was— my niece was, you know, maybe she was like 1, you know, she had some verbal but not much. And, you know, we were reading through a Beauty and the Beast or some princess novel. And the prince was like swirling the woman, you know, the princess around. And she was like, "Da-da," right? Because that's who swirls her around. She's 1. When I tell you I threw the book across the room, I was like, Sarah, this is when it starts.

Yeah.

I'm like, from now on, I'm reading her philosophy. She's not going to understand it, but she'll pick up the vibe. Like, it was wild, you know? So that social conditioning. And then also, what does it mean to give it up when there's so few models of what giving it up looks like?

Well, that's the big question I always have. Like, you know, what's the alternative? That's the problem, right? It's like people don't see the alternative. It just—

right. And I think we're seeing it more and more, you know, like, like I always shout out Tracee Ellis Ross, who I think, you know, with her solo travel, you know, like she's doing so much to like show what it can look like.

Yeah.

Um, but yeah, you know, it's, um, and it was unfortunate, at least in the US, with, um, the Trump election and, you know, this, you know, childless cat lady, you know, whole thing. But I think You know, there's also other parts of society that, you know, are embracing the realities of the situation, which are women are choosing differently, you know. And I think how you live, how I live, really becomes the model, you know. I mean, in so many ways, like, we are the first generations of women who can do this in a quote-unquote free world, right? Like, so, yeah, you know, we're figuring it out for the other folks. And I think the more we can heal ourselves, you know, stand in our own power, um, the better role models we will be.

Yeah, yeah, I agree. I mean, I think you're right that we are the first generation that's, that's actually been able to do this. And, and even I, I'm sure you find the same thing as I do, that people sort of go, God, you're so brave, you're so brave, right? Like, it's not really about bravery, it's just about making different choices. It's just about looking at the alternatives and going, you know what, I tried all of that and it wasn't really great for me, so let's try something apart.

Like, I, like, I'm just really dedicated to, like, feeling good, like, you know, and not just physically, like, emotionally, right? Like, I go to therapy, I have a spiritual practice, like, I work to undo the generational and current traumas that sit in my body and mind. And, you know, so I don't— I can't see doing it any other way, you know? And, you know, I think that there's this idea that, you know, grinning and bearing it. You made your bed, you have to lie in it. And I think, you know, for me, I just couldn't do that. Like, I just couldn't, you know, grin and bear it. Or what is it? Close your eyes, think of England. Like, you know, like, I just— I couldn't do those things. And so, yeah, you know, I mean, people, when I talk about some people like, oh my God, you know, we need this space, you know, they'll be like, and of course you're the one to do it. You know, I think if there is a thread in my career and life that brought me to this, it really is like I've spent my life building a career speaking truth to power. Yeah. And that's what we're doing now for women in the bedroom.

Yeah, and I think, you know, the more of us that can do that, the more, the better it is for women. I mean, I don't think that we're going to move the needle from 69% to, you know, 99%, but even if we move it to 80%, I'd be like, I'd be good with that. You know, I'd be good with that.

Exactly. Exactly. You know, like it, um, We'd be able to reimagine another world. And, you know, this is something I think it's also important that I, that I want to highlight is, you know, for me as an organizer, I see this business as a movement. You know, it's not when, when we're, when we're not using our magic to survive in fake orgasms, like imagine what we can use our magic to do. Another world is possible if women can stand in their purpose, power, pleasure.

Exactly. And just stop faking it, gals, because it's, you know, the thing about faking it is it doesn't help men to become better lovers, and it doesn't help women to get the kind of sex that they want. It just doesn't help anybody. And the more you do it, the more you validate men's, you know, inadequacy in the bedroom, right? The more you say it's okay to be shit in bed. And when it— instead of just saying Do you know what? When you did that, it felt really good. But if you'd only just moved your hand just a little bit to the left, it would have felt even better.

Yes. And, you know, I want to— I also want to highlight here that if you don't know what you like, you know, it's always best start with yourself. Like, masturbation is your best friend. Do it all the time. You know, you can use props, right? Like, you can use porn, you can use— like, there's so many things. That helps you realize what you like. And then, you know, I find, and, you know, I find this even in our conversations, you know, with men, is that there's, I find this in even conversations with men, like most men would like to please their partner. Like most people would like to please their partner. There are some folks who don't give a shit and just, hey, if you didn't get it done in that amount of time, that's on you. But like most people don't, and I think, you know, you don't have to. I mean, if you are a chart kind of girl, maybe, you know, that's who you are. But like you said, you know, like you can say it or you can just move their hand.

That's right.

Right, like you can just put their mouth, you know, you could just push their head down, you know, like it's that they'll understand what you're saying, you know, like, and so I think have fun with it. You know, I just actually did an article for Scary Mommy Blog around, around, you know, like, talk as kink. And, you know, this idea of, you know, calling folks like, oh, you're a good girl, you're, you know, things like that, you know. And you can also bring in what to do. Yeah, in, in talk while you're having sex and make it hot and be like, you know, do all the things.

No, completely, completely. I, I completely agree. I mean, communication is key. It runs through every episode of Sex Advice for Seniors I've ever had. And if you can nail that one down, then, you know, chances are you're going to get what you want. That's it.

And start with yourself, right? Start with communicating with yourself, like, oh, I like this, I like that, you know, like Try different things.

Yeah, for sure. So we've come to the end of Sex Advice for Seniors. Now, if you could leave our listeners with one message about worthiness, pleasure, and aging, what would it be?

So first, thank you so much. This has been so much fun. This has been so much fun. You know, but I think the message that I want to leave with folks is like, you have it all already. You know, give yourself grace, give yourself space and, um, you know, allow for you to sit in your own magic because you deserve it, um, and for no other reason. I also want to let your listeners know that, um, if you want to come on our site, we have a code for your listeners, um, so that they can get a discount. And I actually— we have a guide called Stop Faking It, um, your guide to purpose, power, pleasure. So you can download that. That's free. We're just handing that out because, you know, like, that, that, that's ultimately what we want to help women do— live, live more authentic, more liberated lives. So don't beat yourself up if you're not living it, you don't live it every day. We're not going to be Buddha, but what we can do is give ourselves grace and space to enjoy our lives.

I think that is a great way to end the show. Thank you so much, Malia, for coming on Sex Advice for Seniors, and have a lovely, lovely day.

Thank you, you too.