You’re Killing Her Arousal Without Realizing It

Ladies, does his quick-fix approach leave you cold? Guys, you know what? You might be sabotaging yourself. 'Cause here's the thing: rushing to genitals ignores the mental warm-up that older women need, and performance pressure can make her feel like a project instead of desired. And I want to talk about performance pressure. Because it's something that I've experienced myself, and I know that for me it completely shuts my body down. There's no chance of me having an orgasm if a guy says to me, 'I want to make you come,' or 'Come for me, baby.' Those are the sorts of things that when I hear, I immediately feel that my orgasm is all about his achievement. That he wants to feel pleased that he's done something for me that makes me feel good. But like most women, I make myself orgasm, and certain things need to be in place for that to happen. I need to trust my partner, I need to feel safe, I need to feel relaxed, I need to feel desired, and I want to know that I'm not on the clock. Once I feel like there's some sort of time pressure for me to have an orgasm, then the likelihood of me having one is pretty pretty much nonexistent. Also, let's talk about this idea that orgasm is the grand finale, because I know for a lot of us that there may be times where we don't have an orgasm, and that's okay. It still can be a pleasurable experience just being close to our partner, just being with them, just experiencing sexual pleasure in our body. It doesn't always have to lead to orgasm, but certainly for Performance pressure is not going to help most women, and ignoring her feedback also can shut down arousal. So if she says— and I think we all should take responsibility for what we like and what we don't like— "Move your finger a little bit over to the left," "Oh, that's a little bit too hard," "Can you please slow down?" Those are the sorts of things that are going to increase our arousal because we know that our partner is listening and we know that they're paying attention. And I know that most men, frankly, they want that feedback. They want to be told what feels good and what doesn't feel good. Also, using the same script every time kills dopamine. Are you always going into the missionary position, then into doggy? Is it 5 minutes of foreplay and then you're straight into penetrative sex? How much time do you spend actually just caressing your partner, just touching their skin, just being just relaxed with them without actually going straight straight for the genitals because, again, that's another thing that can make women feel that it's just all about getting to that orgasm. And especially it can feel like it's just about getting to his orgasm and not your own. So vary things up. Don't use the same script every time. Bit of massage to start, extended foreplay, maybe no penetrative sex at all, bit of 69, whatever you fancy, but Certainly, varying your script is actually going to increase the dopamine and increase her arousal. And I know that for me, all of those things about sharing what I like and about telling my partner what feels good, that's when we really are cooking. Because learning to communicate my desires completely changed my sex life. So here's some actionable steps you can take. Pause after 10 minutes and ask, "How does it feel?" Ask her or him to name one spot she or he really likes touched slowly, and alternate one new move each session. Just work on discovering new erogenous zones in the body. It can just be so liberating to actually discover that there's all these new places that you can be touched that feel So amazing. If you found this video helpful, I would really appreciate it if you hit subscribe, and you can receive my weekly newsletter by going to sexadviceforseniors.com.