033 - How to ENJOY motherhood with Positive Mindset Coach Tessa Romero
1 Nov 2022 · 77 min
This is episode 033 of the Hey Shayla podcast (recorded Nov 1, 2022). Host Shayla interviews mindset coach Tessa Romero about shifting from resentment and overwhelm into enjoying motherhood. Key themes: matrescence (the multi-year transition into motherhood), mindset as a changeable skill (thoughts ≠ facts), practical parenting strategies (validate children's experience, build routines, invite yourself into play, limit daytime movies/screens), and healing via self-discovery (journaling, addressing shame). The guest mentions a journaling course (always available) and a 12-week group program, Mind Body Alignment, opening enrollment December 2022.
Chapters
All the reels are talking about how your kid is sucking the life out of you and you just need a glass of wine. Now I'm like, what? Or like, there's a real. That's like, I just shared the opposite of it. Something about you got to be you again. Not mom you, not wife you, but you, sis. And I was like, literally when I let go of that thought is when I came into my happiness. I am mommy, I am wife me. That is me. I don't need to get back. I don't need to get away from this to be myself.
There's just, like, so much to it with mindset. Make those hard acceptances, I guess. Yeah, you have to make them. These are the circumstances that I have. Right. And then instead of fighting it, we're able to see, like, well, how do I do that? Now we have thoughts all the time. You're always thinking something. So it's not about saying, I really want a mindset like that. You already have a mindset. You have the thoughts. It's just a matter of consciously being aware of them instead of just being on autopilot.
Hey, guys, My name is Shayla. Welcome to the hey Shayla podcast. I went from full time travel to full time new Covid mom, and holy wow. Is motherhood and adulting a learning curve? There are so many decisions we need to make and a million ways to do it right. I created this podcast to interview some of my gurus to share their knowledge and empower you on your journey. Let me be your guinea pig and ask the questions. We think everyone else knows here. We're a little hippie. We try to do things as naturally as possible, and we don't take ourselves too seriously. But above all, we support one another and work to find what works. If you're into it, you're our people. Let's get started. All right. Welcome back to the hey Shayla podcast. Thank you for listening. Today I have Tessa Romero, the mindset guru. I'm so excited that you're on. Thank you for coming on.
I'm so glad that you invited me. When you said, like, oh, come back for this podcast episode, I was like, absolutely, I will be there.
Yes, because you were. I actually wrote this down. You were on episode 24 of Partner Resentment. That is my most listened to episode.
That's amazing. I think it's amazing that women are willing to listen to it too. Like, we all can go through those seasons of resentment, and it's freaking hard. So being able to talk about it in a productive way. I always take that approach where I'm like, okay, how can we talk about something that's hard but productively?
Totally.
Yeah.
And I think everyone resonates with that because when you have babies, your relationship changes. You're no longer just like, boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife, fiance, whatever. You're now parents. You're now mom and dad.
Yeah.
And it is a huge shift. And you're both doing it independently and together. And it's like, who's in charge of what? Because all of a sudden we got a ton of responsibilities and no list of tasks.
Yeah. Yeah. Like, how are we doing this?
Yes. I'm going to read this cute little intro that I have and then we'll get started in our. In our deep dive. This is the first podcast back from my super extended maternity leave.
I was only.
I had my baby in April. We are launching in November. I was like, we're going to take a couple months off. I'll do another month. Another month. And finally I'm like, I'm ready.
I love that.
Okay, thank you. Tessa is a mindset coach geared towards women and motherhood. She teaches women how to be who they want to be with mindset that supports them. She has been married for eight years and has three cute boys and a brand new. Well, not. And one of the three is a brand new little baby. Three month old.
Yeah.
She also has a super incredible Instagram. That's how I found you initially. And I just. I think I saved one of your reels and just replayed it over and over and over. Seriously. I was like, okay, we need to get this mindset right. Instagram is Tessa Romero Underscore, where she shares mothering mindset tips. She's also running group coaching program and is launching again in December. And we'll talk about that in a bit.
Okay.
This podcast I was going to do by myself and I was like, nah, I need the coach on here to walk me through this because lately, since my second baby, I have had a ginormous shift in my motherhood mindset. And I. And I just need to unpack it, essentially. But I feel like I'm just excited about it and I'm just stoked that happened. And. And I'm. Have you ever heard of matrescence?
No.
Okay. This is a new term that I've just learned. Apparently it's the puberty of motherhood.
Oh, so I should know that term. Yes.
It's like insane. I just recorded a podcast about it and she like schooled me on all this stuff and my Mind was melting. But it's essentially she's saying when you have a child, you don't just. You're not just automatically a mother. It takes your hormone shifting, your life shifting, you adjusting. Just like if you have your period at 12, you're not all of a sudden a woman. It takes, like, years for you to identify as a woman. So she said it takes a year and a half, up to four years to, like, develop into a mother.
That's amazing, isn't it? More women need to hear that. Yes. And that's what.
That's exactly what she said. She's like, if women knew this, they would be gentler with themselves as they were going through it.
Yeah.
And so I'm two and a half years postpartum, I guess, whatever, into my matrescence. And I feel like that's where I finally am, because what happened. And you kind of mentioned this when we were chatting before we recorded. When you first have your baby, you're trying to figure out how this baby fits into your life. I still like going out. I still want to, like, even just go to dinner. I want to quick run to Target for just something I forgot it, like. And you're like, it's so challenging. How do I adjust to this baby? And so I think for me, at two and a half years, I finally gotten. Oh, foreign. We're not trying to fit this baby into our new life. We're trying to create this new life of me as a mother with these responsibilities.
Yeah, no, I totally get what you're saying. And when we have this idea of, like, I can't do this anymore. This is why mindset's so valuable. Like, information is. I mean, so valuable.
Right.
So when we have the information to see, like, oh, my gosh, I'm supposed to, like, mature into the mother that I want to be. Right. It's not just this overnight I had at 1am and now the mother at 101.
People are calling me mom. I don't know what's happening. Well, yes.
Yeah. So I think with that information, it makes mindset work so much more meaningful and easier because now we're able to see, like, okay, it's my job to figure out how to continue doing the things that I love with my children. So that way, it is our life to go to Target. It is our life to cook meals together or go out to eat.
Like, yeah.
That we're able to build the life that we want. Because really, our kids don't know any different. That's what I freaking Love. I love that so much, is that my kids don't know any different. Like, they don't.
So whatever.
If I've just always made it our normal that mom works out at home, they don't fight me on it. It is not a protest. It's not this. It's not difficult because, I mean, even Drew, and he's only 12 weeks old, but, like, I've done it with all of my babies, even if they have a hard. A hard time, I can pause my workout, but I will not teach my kids that. If this is what you do, then I stop. You get what you want. If. If you act this way.
Like, no, but that doesn't just happen. Like, you don't start at 2 doing an hour and a half workout and are frustrated that your kid isn't letting you do it.
Exactly. Yeah. And then, I mean, gosh, there's like, so much mindset in there. But when you can have your mind in, like, this positive place about their behavior during the workout, like, oh, they're just learning our new routine. It's hard to learn a new routine. It makes total sense why they're doing what they're doing right now. And it's not against me. They just want me so badly. Right. Like, and we keep our mind in this really awesome place now. We're not feeling infuriated and, like, we can't take care of ourselves, and we've lost all of our freedom and going down that really dark rabbit hole. Just the victim mentality.
Right. All right, we're going to take a brief break to talk about Expecting and Empowered. Expecting and Empowered is a pregnancy and postpartum workout guide. And I recommend this to everybody that's pregnant or postpartum. It's like, the one thing that people like, are you going to do that for your next pregnancy? 1,000%. I was still doing these workouts, like, a year and a half postpartum, and it does. It only goes to 33 weeks anyway. The pregnancy workouts prepare you for labor, and the postpartum workouts repair you from labor. It has stretching, pelvic, floor exercises, and the actual work. And what I love about it is it's created by a nurse and a physical therapist so you know that the workouts that you're doing are safe. And sometimes when you're pregnant, you're just not sure now, you know. So I'm an affiliate with them. You can use my code, Heyshayla. It will get you $10 off the guides. They also just came out with a labor and Delivery course. It's brand new, super exciting. If you have any questions about it, please DM me on Instagram. Hey, Shayla. All right, let's get back to it. So I feel like you've shared before. I've seen that you've shared that. You haven't always had this mindset. When was your shift? When did you come to the bright side?
When did you get there?
Yeah.
How long have you been here? Yeah, so I. It's. I've always been very energetic, so I think people get that confused. Like, you can be really energetic and negative. You really can. I've always been extremely energetic, but I had a negative mindset, especially about myself. I battled with a lot of shame and limiting beliefs and negative self talk, comparison, jealousy, judgment. I did all of that. So throughout my marriage, the first three years of my marriage, it was really difficult because I was the problem. 100. Like, I wish you guys could just like, really know my husband, the poor guy, I mean, he just like, he does anything and everything that I asked him to do. So if we film a reel, it's because I asked. And he's just playing the part of what I told him to do. But then people look at it and they're like, oh, my God, your husband doesn't do anything. He just sits there. And I'm like, you guys are hilarious.
Yeah.
Anyway, so we stopped doing this because the point wasn't coming across very smooth. But anyway, I was the issue those first three years because I didn't know who I was. I had a crappy mindset. Everything was someone else's fault. Literally. I. I had a really bad victim mentality. And that's like a conversation for another time. But really it made sense why I had a victim mentality. So if someone's listening to this and like, oh my gosh, I have a victim mentality. I blame everything on someone else. I don't take ownership, which is hard.
To self identify because I'm just now also realizing those things.
Well, yeah, because we do it to protect ourselves.
Like, we don't. And in protecting, you still are going to defend yourself. And you'd be like, no, I don't do that. It's not me, it's them, you know? So if you are the victim, I feel like it's. Sometimes it's hard to recognize that you are or admit it, even just like.
Yeah, it's because we think it's a bad thing. Right. Like, we don't want to be something that's bad.
Right.
But it's actually A good thing. Like, if you. If you take the position of like, oh, my gosh, I'm doing this. I'm ignoring my husband. I am yelling at my kids. Not my husband makes me ignore him. My kids make me yell at them. Right. The more you take on, the more you can change. So when we just. Again, geez, what a spin.
That was great. I know.
Just have a good mindset about our crappy behavior, right? Yeah. This is my behavior. I am responsible for it, and I can change it. When we decide to take that really great approach, we're like, I don't need you to change before I change. And it becomes extremely empowering and exciting. So I was actually trying to work on my mindset. I didn't know I was working on my mindset. I was trying to freaking do something to not be the wife I was being.
Yeah.
And then when I got pregnant with my first, I was struggling with a ton of anger. Like, I mean, it was bad. It was really, really bad, and it was really hard, and I would just feel like. Like my. My heart was pounding and I would just get, like, hot, and my face would turn red and my palms are sweaty because I was just so furious. Like, I would feel so angry. And again, like, that anger was someone else's fault. So that victim mentality was really not helping me because, again, someone else could just make me mad like that. Well, darn it. That's quite the way to live your life. Right?
Well, not in control, just.
Yeah, exactly. Like, you don't have the control on that anger dial anymore if you say that someone else makes you mad. And that's why I. That's why I push that messaging. Not because I don't think that people influence us. People totally influence us. Right. There are mean people on the Internet, I'll tell you that right now. Yeah. Sometimes my kid. My kids told me this morning, I don't love you, and you're not my best friend. That's what Liam told me. He's four, so. And my husband's like, I would not let him talk to me like that. And I was like, you know what? Liam is responsible for what he says. And I am going to feel really proud of the way that I handle this. So that's where I'm at right now. Yeah. And it feels so much better that way. But I don't say, like, no one makes you mad to piss people off. I mean, I don't. I really don't. I say it because I want people to understand. Your anger is your responsibility. And if you don't want to feel this angry anymore, no one's going to tell you how long you have to feel angry. Right. They're just going to tell you you need to feel your feelings, but they won't tell you how long. I personally felt my anger for 13 years. And I was over it. Like, I didn't want to live there anymore. Right. And then it's just ridiculous. So anyway, changing my mindset really started in my marriage. But then when I got pregnant, it was like the slap in the face actually was like, beat me up to make me see it wasn't slap. It's like, it literally beat me up to show me that I was the problem. Right. That if my husband and because I would ignore my husband, if he made me mad, I would ignore him. Super healthy.
I know I'm like seeing myself in all of these stories, but the thing.
Was that I was pregnant, so I was like, and I already loved this baby so much. Like, we already. We knew the gender. His name's Liam. Like, oh, my gosh. Like, I get to have a boy and I always wanted a boy. Like, I want all boys. When people are like, oh, you bumped. You didn't get a girl. I'm like, no, I'm not funny.
I was actually wondering that. I was like, I wonder if she is just mind setting. Like, oh, no, I love. That's hilarious.
I have to mindset my way around a girl.
Funny. Yeah.
Which I did end up doing because we didn't find out the gender with Drew. So I was like, you know what? If it's a girl? I really, I don't want to welcome her with, like, yeah, right. I want to be thrilled to see a little girl. So I did get really excited at the idea of a girl. We had a name picked out. Her name was going to be Remy. We were really, really excited. And then it was boy, and we were whatever's more than excited. Anyway, so when I got pregnant with Liam, it was just so clear. Like, I don't want to be the mom that ignores your kids. And. And I was ignored as a kid. Right. So this is where I'm saying, like, doing the self discovery work to understand why you do what you do is so empowering. And it's not to blame people. It's not to say, well, my mom did that to me, so I did that. No, I now understand that I ignore because that is the coping mechanism that I learned when I feel a certain way. I never learned how to feel and communicate and be in a Healthy environment or relationship. So I was just doing what I knew how to do. Now, that doesn't mean I point my finger at my mom and say, like, how could you? I did that for a long time. That wasn't awesome of me either. Learning. But now I look at my mom like, you did the best you could, too. She did what she knew how to do. That's all people do is what they know how to do.
Right?
And when you take that approach in life, all of a sudden people don't piss you off so bad. Like, on social media, at the grocery store, they cut you off. Like, what if the guy that cut you off is trying to get a job interview because he lost his job? He's trying to support his family. His wife just died.
You don't know his story.
You don't know the story. Right? But people are doing the best they can. And again, people fight me on that too. And I'm like, if you want to live your life thinking that people make you mad and that other people are not doing the best they can and you're not doing the best you can, good freaking luck. Okay?
So that goes right into what I. So once I've had this, like, realization that, like, so first, I'll tell you what.
Yeah.
Like, the feeling is, so I went from, oh, this is so frustrating. I can't even shower. Oh, I can't even go to my yoga classes anymore. I can't even do this. I can't even do that. Blah, blah, blah, blah. Like, I'm. I'm here all day with them. I don't know what to do. Like, I'm not the fun, crafty mom. I don't have these ideas. Blah, blah, blah. And you're just like, how am I going to get it through the next seven hours? Like, separately for work? And I'd be like, have a good day. I don't know what I'm going to do today. Like, yeah, everyone's at work. I'm not really sure. And I would just be so. And I actually read a book called how to Talk so little kids listen. And I think that was the start of the transformation because it really was like. Like the overarching theme of the book is acknowledge your kids experience if they are. I forgot Aaliyah's water cup on the way to daycare. We always have a water cup in the car. I was like, oh, man, I forgot it. I'll make sure to bring it on the way home. Well, guess what? I also forgot it all the way. Like, when I Went to pick her up, and she's like, mom, water. And all of a sudden, I went, oh, man. Aaliyah, I forgot your water cup again. Not a problem. Totally fine. Like, just acknowledging, like, at Starbucks, she wanted a cake pop, but it's Starbucks. And so we're there at, like, seven in the morning, so I'm not gonna give you a cake pocket seven. And so the book says, go over to the cake pop, talk about how cool it is, instead of being like, come on. Don't look at that. Oh, wow, Cool. Do you like the pink one or the one with sprinkles? Blah, blah, blah. And it's counterintuitive to, like, go look at the thing that they can't have. No, you're validating. That is so cool. We still can't have it. And no problem. Like, obviously, like, everything. This doesn't work 100% of the time. But just hearing what she has to say and being like, yeah, we co Sleep. She's on one side of me, and she want to be on the other side, but the baby's on that side. So, like, no, you can't go on that side, Aaliyah. You have to stay on the side. And she started screaming. I was like, oh, my God. You're gonna wake up the baby. This is gonna be a thing. And I was like, whoa. Why do you want to go on the other side? Good for you, monsters.
Mom.
I was like, no. Dad told all the monsters they can't be in this house. Like, and you just, like, get in their world. Oh, my gosh.
It's so fun. It's so fun.
And you're not fighting them anymore. You're experiencing everything with them again. And, like, we play pretend, and we do. And it. It takes energy to, like, be a kid.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But it doesn't actually. 24, 7, like, 15 minutes of that. Yeah. It rocks their world, you know? And then you can. Then you can step away. Like, I invite myself into my kids play all the time because for my boys at least if I wait for them to invite me every time, I mean, they still invite me and do things, right? Like, mom, let's go jump on the trampoline. Okay. Like, I try really hard to say yes whenever. I can't say yes, say yes. But what I notice is if it's my boys, like, inviting, inviting, they're fighting more. They're hungry for my attention, and they take it out on each other, and then everything feels chaotic. But if I just notice they're doing something, and I just Kind of insert myself. Like, oh, can I be this car? Like, can I come? Like, oh, yeah. Like, and I'm like, sweet. I'm flowing. Do that for a little bit. Like, it's not. It's not all day long. Right, Right. Gotta get that idea out of your head because it's not all day long.
But totally.
I love how you said, like, her human experience. Like, get in on their human experience, because we forget that about kids. They're human. These are the human experiences. And I mean, I do the same thing with my kids. Like, I walk. I let them browse all the toys at the store. Like, come on, you. This is what we're gonna do. We're gonna get. Mom needs to get first, and then you get 10 minutes in the toys. I will look at whatever you want. Does that mean we buy toys every time? No, No. I mean, we are on a Lightning McQueen collection right now. So if you happen to see one that we don't have, I do buy it because I love those cars. It's actually my own selfish collection. But my point is, like, it's not this big battle to leave the toys because they know, like, well, we can go back to the toys.
This isn't like this forbidden or super special. It's the toys.
Yeah.
And this book actually says to make a wish list. So if they're in the toys. And, like, I really want that. You're like, oh, I see that. Let's add it to your wish list.
Acknowledge. Yeah. I take pictures of it. I'm like, this is the one you want. Take picture. Put it in the notes of my phone. I'm like, liam's list. Yeah, totally.
But that. And. And I just think that they. All of us. And I'll notice it, like, if I'm doing something in the kitchen and she's just like. I'm like, oh, my gosh. And then I'm like, what do you. Wait, what do you need? She's like, cereal. I'm like, oh, okay.
Hungry.
Let me get you. Yeah.
And it's just like, so, okay.
So that was the start of it. Just like, acknowledging her as a human instead of trying to do my things and parent living. We're co living now, so I can do. I can make something in the kitchen, and she can help me if she wants to help me. Or she can go play with our dolls if she wants. Like, she can do whatever she wants, but if she needs me, I listen to her. I validate that she has feelings and experiences or wants even if she can't have them. I know you want. You want a popsicle, right? What color? Like a blue or purple?
Yeah.
It's breakfast time, so we can't have a popsicle right now, but we could do it after. Whatever. Like, it just. That was never how it was. If you wanted something, your parents would be like, no, come over here. Come on.
Yeah, let's not look at the thing.
You want, because then you're going to.
Want it more like, yeah, yeah. Instead of, I don't care about what you want. Stop. Yeah, Because I don't care.
Totally. And. And if you think about it, in our situation, it's like, oh, my gosh, this pen. Tessa, you have to have this pen. If you were like, no, I'd be like, okay, well, yes, you should have this. If you're like, oh, that is a cool pen. I actually have this one. I'd be like, oh, okay. What do you have? And I'd be more apt to hearing it because you're acknowledging my cool.
I will tell you. I have that exact same pen. It's actually my favorite. So you're right. I do need that pen. And I have boxes of them because they're my favorite.
It's so funny. My sister gave me this for Christmas because she said it is her favorite.
They're the best pens. They really are. Guys. They're Sharpie. They're white. You can find the grocery store s.
Gel Sharpie if you can't see this. Yeah, I have a 0.7.
0.7. Absolutely.
Is there any. We'll put those in the show notes.
Yeah.
But I think that was a huge shift for me. And then just having my second gave it. Just having my second with my first gave me the perspective. Like my two. Two and a half year old. I'm like, what? You're two and a half years old? And I was always like, I'm not an infant person. I don't like that baby phase. I just want toddlers. I am soaking up my little baby because I'm like, you're so adorable. And you're. I love you so much. And you just are happy and you're sleepy, and then you. You're upset for a reason. And. And it just has given me so much perspective. But I'm not fighting to figure out, when am I gonna shower. Yeah, when am I gonna. Like, I need to get groceries.
I'm already in motherhood.
We're in it. We just added another one to the clan. I love it. And so it's like, even go. I'm like, Target feels easier now.
Yeah.
How does it feel easier with two kids? That doesn't make any sense, but.
Because your first gets to look at the second. Yeah, but really, like I, I mean it's normal to have like thoughts of self doubt. Like how am I going to do grocery shopping with a child? Like for your first, right? And then you have your first and you figure it out and then you get pregnant with your second. You're like, oh my God, there's no way I could take two kids to the grocery store. And you figure it out and things are fine. But we don't have to like make these negative predictions about how terrible it's going to be when we haven't even done it. And that's like part of the work that I love so much is just realizing that you can't predict the future anyway. So why the frick are you stressing yourself out creating all this anxiety for something that you didn't even know how it's going to be, how it's going to go? And my first, so my second, my first baby didn't have acid reflux, but that could. Did not sleep. Like he still starts every morning at 5:30. I.
He's entire same way.
He's literally the son's child. Like, like the sun is like barely. The sun's awake, so I'm awake.
Literally.
But not even until the sun's awake. He's up before the sun. He like wants to greet his father in the sky morning. Yeah. But anyway, I fought that for a long time, right? And then it was finally like, no, this is what he's going to do every single morning. And the me fighting this every morning isn't actually working. It just starts us off on a crappy note. So I just started getting ready every morning. I would take 10 minutes to get dressed, do my mascara, brush my teeth, and then get him up. And the craziest thing happened. He stopped screaming. When he woke up, I would just, he would say like, mom, Mom, Mom. Or like start crying. And I would just turn on the hall light so he knew like, oh, she's coming, she's here. And then I would get ready. And that first day, like, he cried the 10 minutes and I'm like, sorry, bud. This is what we've got to do. Because I care about the way I greet you in the morning. And the way I was greeting you in the morning does not align with who I want to be for you.
Totally.
So after that first day, he cried that first time. And then after that I just Flipped on the light and he just talk in his crib until I got him every single morning sense that he stayed in a crib. Now he just gets himself up and does whatever he'd like to do at 5:30 in the morning.
Right.
But anyway, my second had acid reflux, and that was really difficult. Like, we've never had a baby. Acid reflux. We're figuring it out. And then with Drew, I didn't allow my. My mind to have these like, fears of acid reflux or the fears of nighttime wakings because I've already done all that. So I don't need to predict how hard it's going to be. I already know what it can look like, but I know more importantly who I'm going to be showing up. All right. I know I can handle it. It's gonna be fine. Turns out, sure enough, he has acid reflux. But he's also the best sleeper that I've had. So I'm like, all right, deal. I'm really glad that I didn't waste time thinking, oh my gosh, acid reflux is going to ruin your sleep. Like, no, it hasn't. So anyway, there's just like so much to it with Mindset. When we're able to look at our experience in motherhood and like you said, have that make those hard acceptances, I guess.
Yeah.
You have to make them where you're like, these are my kids. Like, just like my heart acceptance. My child's going to wake up at 5:30 every morning. If I'm gonna make a prediction, that should be it.
Yeah, right.
He's gonna wake up 5:30. But what I do about it, what I do next, that's in my control. What time they wake up. No, I tried everything. We tried early bedtimes, we tried later bedtimes. We tried all of it. Yeah. And it's just him. He could go to bed at midnight and he will still wake up at 5:30. It's the most insane thing. And I'm like, you know what? You are going to love this as an adult. And if you try changing things when you're like 17, I will not allow it.
I'll be knocking at your door at 5:30 until you're out of my house.
Right. You ready to go for a grind? I'm going to play this out his entire life. It's going to be great. But. But when you can kind of like go into motherhood, like, these are the circumstances that I have. Right. And then instead of fighting it, I can't go to Target Anymore. I don't know when I'm gonna shower. Instead of doing that, we're able to see, like, well, how do I do that? Now these are. How do I go to Target? Load them up dry, go like.
And if that's something that's important to you to go to Target, then you need to start practicing knowing that the first five, ten times might be a meltdown.
Yeah.
The more you do it and the more expectations you, like, teach them, like, the workout, they just know that this is what we do.
Exactly. Exactly. And if you are someone that's like, well, my child's only good in the store if I give them a screen, and I don't want to give them a screen. My child's only good in the store if is the mindset that needs to go. Because it's not true. Right.
You.
I'm not judging, like, give your child screen if you want to give your.
Child screen, but if you don't, the.
Point is, like, we did it in our head that it's the only way they'll be good. And that's not true.
How often do we do that in parenthood, though? Because I will be like, oh, my kid can't do this unless, blah, blah, blah, blah. Then they go over to TD's house or they go over to grandma. Grandpa's house, and they're like, yeah, they did. I don't know.
We just.
They went right to sleep. And you're like, what?
Yeah.
Yeah, what? You underestimate your kids so much because of the own routine you've got them in and, like, your own limiting beliefs of what they're capable of. And not because you don't think they're capable just because you're like, well, no, that's not. That's just not how it goes.
Yeah. We have a garden in our backyard. And this is like, a side note, but it's really relevant. If I buy strawberries, my kids won't eat them. They. They just. They won't have anything to do with strawberries. And then really eating fruit in general is a big deal. So, like, Liam loves blueberries. How about it, kid? Luke wouldn't eat any fruit except bananas. And then he stopped eating bananas for a long time. But anyway, it was just like, okay, we got to figure this out. But no store bought fruit for Luke in the garden. Oh, he will eat 15 strawberries. Like, as many strawberries as I can find. He will eat them all. And I'm like, huh, all right, cool. And now, like, he just. It, like, had to be A wild experience for him, I guess.
Yeah.
Now he'll eat store bought strawberries. He gets it now. Like what they are and what they taste like and where they come from.
Yeah.
And to him, like, he just needed that whole experience. So instead of me stressing and limiting him, like, oh, my kids don't eat fruit. Well, no, I'm just figuring out how to, like, how to interest them in eating fruit. Like, what do I have to do? Do you need, like, Liam, if I put blueberries on a plate. Forget it. He's not gonna eat them. They've got to be in the carton. For whatever reason, he just wants them in the carton and. But if I just put the carton out, he will eat the entire thing.
Oh, my God.
So it's just like. But that's the thing that is so amazing about motherhood is you know these things about your kids and it doesn't matter what anybody else thinks. Right? Like, well, no, he needs to eat about a plate. Why? Exactly. Yes, yes.
Questioning your own rules and being like, but why not? Like, I was talking to my friend about screen time after daycare and she's like. I was like, this is a no. This is a no go. We're not doing screen time after daycare. And her partner was like, why? Maybe they need that downtime after a super stimulating day. A daycare? Yeah, like, oh, yeah, maybe. And I'm the same way. Like, I don't really enjoy watching tv. I don't want to sit there and do it. I think it's boring. I think it's whatever. But Seth is like, that's how he just like kind of recoups and like down regulates and just settles down and. And the kids are happy watching a little bit of screen time after daycare. Like, questioning why.
Why? Yeah, yeah.
And seeing.
Yeah. With my kids, we are trying not to do tv. Like movies during the week. They still get screens on, like their. They have a homer app. Yeah, it's like a learning app. So they'll use that like every day for about probably 20 to 30 minutes, depending on what we're doing. But the reason why I'm not doing movies during the week, like, for my kids is because it overstimulates them. They. They sit. Like, they will sit there and they will watch a movie and then it will be meltdown central the rest of the freaking day. Like, it is so difficult for my kids to get back into play. Like their sand, their cars, blocks, just like creative things after they watch a movie. So I'm trying To save those for, like, the weekend. Like, we'll watch a family together on the weekend. It's special.
Yeah.
And that way I'm not saying no. Like, can we watch a movie? I don't say no. I say yes on Saturday. Yeah.
Like, yeah.
And. And I try really hard to watch my language. Like, I try really hard not to say can't and no. Like, you can't do that. This is what you can do. I see what you're trying to do. That's not safe. We're going to do this.
Yeah.
You know, and that language, it's amazing. Once you start focusing on your language, you realize how difficult it can be.
Totally.
Because you start catching all of those can'ts and all of the no's and then you're like, what the frick am I supposed to say? Yeah, if I can't say?
Right? And I. That actually has happened for me before, kids. Like, I can't do this. For some reason, like, is painful for me to say now. Like, when I say it, it just. I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I can't do this in labor. I was like, just breathing into my head. I'm like, I don't. This is. I don't think I ever thought, I can't do this. But all of a sudden I go, I can do this. Like, yes, you can. I was like, yeah, yeah. But it is. Once you, like, recognize that it happens, and then you can feel it and understand how to change it. Okay, we're going to. I. This is going to sound so ridiculous, but what do you do if you're not doing that much screen time?
Are you, like, out my boys. I have. I mean, it's. So we were talking about before the episode started, like, just the kid that you have, you know? And I know that all kids are different. I know that. But I also believe that all kids are creative by nature. Like, they just are so creative, and they have, like, a childlike energy that's just. And, like, I feel like our goal as adults is to learn how to be childlike again. Like, it's. It's amazing. So anyway, I'm not saying that, like, all kids are great at independent play, but I do believe that kids can get better at independent play when they're given opportunities, like, anything. Practice more to figure out, like, what do you like to do? You got to figure it out, right? Because a neighborhood girl comes over and she'll tell me, I'm bored, and I'm like, oh, we don't say that. In this house, that literally just means that you need something to do. So you can find something to do, or I'll give you something to do. Yeah. And I know I sound like this, like, really mean.
No, my mom used to say that to me.
Yeah. And then Liam told me that one time, I'm bored. I'm like, where'd you hear that? Yeah. Where'd you learn that? Because we've never used that word. Well, guess what? I can give you something to do or you can find something to do, because that's all that means. Yeah, that's all it means. It's not this cool word. It's just means you need something to do.
Yeah. And it's okay to be a little bored? Like, for sure. Yes.
I mean, it's like the cusp of creativity. It's like, you are right there. You're about to come up with a really, really good idea. It's not a bad thing. You're right. But anyway, so my kids play with kinetic sand. They have a desk in our living room, and on that desk, they can find paint. But, I mean, they can do whatever they want at that desk so they can get out their sand, which is usually just always out, because that's what they choose.
Okay.
They have, like, coloring books there. They have Legos. They have their school boxes. So if they want to do, like, a school project, I'll sit down and do that with them. But kinetic sand, they have, like, construction trucks. Yeah. They will literally sit there and do it for an hour. Like, it's amazing.
Well, I think you're right about finding what your kid is into, because, like, we do love every. And Aaliyah is very manipulative. Like, she wants to go in there and figure out how these things work, and she can, like, put all the puzzles together. And I have a friend that was like, my kid did not like that they wanted the dolls and the dollhouse and to, like, play pretend.
Exactly. Yes. Yeah.
Yeah.
My kids, they're not huge in, like. So, like, the little girls across the street, we love them, but they play different. They love playing like. Like, store and. Yeah. And restaurant. So they're like whole act out thing. And my boys are more like, I need my Lightning McQueen. I need Doc Hudson. And then they just like, Doc Hudson. No. Yeah.
The characters are in their hands. They're not the characters.
Yeah. Like, they. They love holding the cars and, like, tending with the cars. So totally. Like, you're saying, like, finding what your child's interested in, but that's going to come Right back to what we were just talking about, listening to them.
Yeah.
Right. Validating what they're validating their experience. Validating the toy that they are interested in at the store, regardless if you're gonna buy it.
Yeah.
But just knowing, like, oh, that's something you. You feel that you're interested in.
Right.
Like, that is so good for them. And then my kids play outside a bunch, so I don't have very many rules and what they can't do in our house. Like, so it's pretty much free game. Like, you want to go on the trampoline. Bye. And we have a fenced in backyard. So, like, I trust that. But I know some parents will tell me, like, well, I can't let my kids go outside because the dog will push them over. Okay, that's like, valid. I get it. I have two big dogs. But if my dogs never push my kids over, when are they ever going to learn to be cautious of the dog?
Yeah.
You know, and. And to figure that out? So it's hard. But again, it's just a mindset thing where it's like, well, if the dog pushes Liam over, he'll be fine. Or if the dog pushes Luke over, Luke will probably punch the dog in the face. Like, knowing Luke, that's what he'll do. And my dogs will learn or Luke will learn. Yeah. Someone's gonna learn, right?
Yeah, but yeah, again, just. And getting in their world and figuring out what they're interested in instead of imposing your interest on them, which I think is hard.
Yeah. And I mean, and again, like, not always just waiting for the invitation to come play. Like, if. If Drew's fine on his little playmat, like, I'll just go jump on the trampoline with them for a few minutes. Because it's hard for them to constantly see me with Drew.
Yeah.
When I'm normally doing all the things with them. So I'll just. I'll get out a big piece of paper and I'll just start writing the Alphabet on the paper, and they'll just come over and color with me. Like, it's not because they love coloring. It's because they want to do something with me. That's why they're doing it. I know my kids don't love coloring. Ye. He'll do it if I'm doing it. So, yeah, definitely finding what your child's interested in. And again, like, my kids are just so much better behaved. They sleep better at night. They eat better. When they do not watch a movie in the day, it's they eat better meals instead of just snacks. Like even if I pass them a meal, like it's. I don't know why. I really don't know why movies affect my kids so much, but they do. So I'm just trying to get ahead of it.
Yeah, right. That's so interesting. I, I was definitely a no screen time for a while and we've slipped into it because it's like, well, that's a whole other conversation. Let's stick to what we're talking about. But I wanted to ask that because I feel like I, I especially because we're about to hit winter time and it's cold outside and it's. We still get out but it's harder and sometimes it's negative a million degrees in Minnesota. And so you just really.
Minnesota's way more harsh than Utah. And just having a baby. Right. Like babies. I mean, I would rather just keep my kids in.
Right.
And you know, get sun when we can. I open up all the windows like the blinds in the winter. I still try to do that, but I'm not going to feel miserable on a walk. I'm not going to do that. So just kind of figuring it out. But my kids love, I mean they love to play in the snow. So like being willing, I mean it takes like 10 minutes to put on their snow clothes.
Yeah.
And they'll go out there for how many minutes?
Right. And they're back and then they have to go to the bathroom.
So it's easier to, to in our minds to say like, oh, it's just too much work to get you in your snow clothes. And I don't want to do that. And you're going to be right back. So I'm not going to do that. Instead of just letting them have that experience that they want to have totally. And supporting it and saying like, okay, come on, let's get your snow clothes on. Yes, it takes 10 minutes. What the freak are going to do anyway? Yeah, just do it.
Right.
And I have to, I mean, even remind myself of that when it comes to putting on my kids snow clothes. And they're going to get snow in the house. This is their childhood. Right. It's all right. I can put a towel down.
Right. Like going to take a quick pause. I'm trying to get us outside as much as possible. And as somebody that doesn't love being outside in the cold, just trying to eliminate the barriers to getting outside. And I keep seeing Moreno wool as a base layer, fleece as a second layer and a waterproof exterior. I found this base layer called Explore. I got Aaliyah a set. I got myself a set. Merino wool is supposed to keep you warm in the winter, cool in the summertime. It's an investment. But for me, it was like, I know we're going to be warm, and it's one less thing I have to worry about. You can get 20% off with code Heyshayla. Highly recommend. Let's get back to the show.
Thoughts are constant, and it's so important to remember that thoughts are always happening. Always. So when you find yourself really frustrated towards your kids, it's really not what your kids are doing. It's what you think about what they're doing. That's why you feel frustrated.
Totally.
You know, but, yeah, with the winter stuff, they'll just keep doing what they do. Yeah. Cars and stuff.
With. With this new shift, I've been kind of sharing about it a little bit, and I wanted to ask you, like, I mean, I've only shared a couple things, and I've already gotten backlash on it of just like. And I get it. So basically, I feel like, what happened? This is like the evolution of momming on Instagram, right? Oh, my gosh. This is. I'm a day postpartum, and I don't even have a belly. And this is beautiful. And look at my maternity shoot in the hospital. And, like, everything's great and whatever. And then people experience it, and they're like, my nipples are bleeding. I still have a belly. Like, what is. Why are we making this to be this beautiful, angelic thing? Really? I'm having. I'm struggling. I've got postpartum depression. I've got these things. And now I feel even worse about myself because of your photo shoot. So then we start talking about that. Okay, here's. Here's a real body, which I think is fantastic. Here's. This is the struggles of parenthood. Oh, when your kid does this, it's so hard. And, oh, now we're all relating because we're all kind of having a tough time and we can talk about it and whatever. And I feel like that's getting a little bit out of control right now. Right now it feels like all the reels are talking about how your kid is sucking the life out of you and you just need a glass of wine. And, like, when is the day going to be over? Oh, we're starting the weekend, which is like the marathon of children. Like, so I. Now I'm like, what? Or like, there's a real. That's like, I just shared the opposite of it.
But.
And this was what I shared. So it was like something about, you got to be you again. Not mom, you, not wife, you, but you, sis. And I was like, literally when I let go of that thought is when I came into my happiness. I am mommy, I am wife, me. That is me. I don't need to get back. I don't need to get away from this to be myself. This is myself. This is my life. And this is what it's going to be. And it's like, it's not, oh, my kid goes to daycare, then I can get back to working out, or then I could have myself care or all these things. And so then I got like, well, no matter how good your mindset is, postpartum depression is real. And I'm like, 100%. I didn't mean to negate that. And so you're 100% of your content. So I need to know.
Yeah, so postpartum depression is real. Right. But you can have positive thoughts about yourself and struggle through depression. But saying I am depressed is wrong. That's wrong. But that's what people do. They say, I am depressed. No, you are experiencing depression. You as a person are not the depression. Like, they're. They're two different things. It's something you're experiencing, and I, I fight for that. I fight for it. And I'm willing to take the heat because for someone to sit in their comfort and say, yeah, but postpartum depression's real. Right? Well, they're looking for something. Right. They're just projecting what they already think. And it's not because you said something wrong. You didn't say anything wrong.
Right.
But. But they feel offended by it for a reason within them, and that's on them. Right. It's not our job. And I mean, people are mad that I don't put like, disclaimers basically on my content. When I'm talking about mindset, they want me to put for. To encourage people to go to therapy and get on medication. Literally almost every single time there's a comment or a message from someone saying, yeah, I'm just looking at your content. And you should really be encouraging people to seek out help because the things that you're helping people with. That sounds like depression. Yeah, that's because depression is negative thoughts. That's why. That's.
Well, depression is the imbalance in the brain. That is a brain health thing.
That's not just mindset, but thoughts create feelings too. So when we're Having a lot of down feelings. Right. Our thoughts are doing that. A chemical imbalance in the brain is not nearly as common as people think it is. Right. But we feel these, these forms of low. And we just all. We call it depression. And I'm not trying to.
Okay, I see what you're saying.
Yeah. But it's. The chemical imbalance in your brain isn't as likely as you struggling with negative thoughts. Right. Like you're saying, how the freak am I going to do this? I don't get to do anything for myself. I can't even go to Target. Have a nice day at work. I'm just going to be here. That sucks. Right? So it's not that I don't want to see the word depression used. I just want to see it used separately from our identity.
Totally.
I feel depressed. I'm experiencing depression. I can get help. That's a positive mindset. So people think that a positive mindset's rainbows and butterflies and, and, you know, silver linings, and it's just not true. A positive mindset is literally, I'm experiencing depression. I'm going to go get help. I can get help. I know there's resources available to me. That's a positive mindset. Yeah. And people just get all up in arms about it because they're not thinking that way.
Accountability. Well, it's hard. It's hard when you're sharing to the masses too, because you're not talking to one person who can. Who you can like, oh, yeah, talk this out with and, like, have a conversation. You're putting out a message of something that you think or feel. And of course there are caveats. Like, of course this is, this message is not going to fit for everyone. Just like how the perfect photo shoot a day after birth. The, like, relatable content about complaining about being a mother doesn't fit for everyone.
Yeah.
And so, especially for you, it's like, if you don't like this content, I'm not asking you to be here. And so if, but if you want it because, Because I'll tell you, sometimes I watch your content. I'm like, that's. I. Nope, that's too much. That's too positive for me. I'm not there yet.
And I don't take any offense to it because there's a way to. Like, you did. You look at it and you say no, and you keep going. I'm not ready for that yet. Right. But, like, you don't fight to the death of why I'm wrong and why you are right. When it's an opinion.
Yeah.
You know, like, yes.
And I keep following because the next post I'm like, yeah, girl. Yeah, that one hit home. You know what I mean? Just like how I watch some people and I'm like, why are you complaining so much? Or why are you doing this? And I can either choose to turn it off or I can go next. And it doesn't have to be this, like, it's just so challenged. It's just so challenging. So now when I'm like, trying to share these things, I'm second guessing it, which is just mad.
Yeah, I know that feeling for sure. I'm gonna feed Drew. But anyway, that's who's coming. My little Drew. Birds. No, I totally get it. Just a droopy.
Oh, hi, Jayla. Your boys look the same. Yeah, they're very similar looking.
Yeah, he's a little bit of a mix between them. It's like from here up, it looks like my oldest, and from here down, it looks like my youngest.
Funny.
Or I'm like my. My middle boy. But yeah. Anyway, I. I really do get it when you're just like, oh, my gosh, am I right? Like, and second guessing what? Yeah. Really? Thoughts are not facts. Either way. No one. There's no way for me to prove, like, this positive thought that I have is a fact. And there's no way for someone to prove that their negative thought is a fact. No, it's. It's an opinion. Like, it's totally a thought. And it's when we can just understand that part, like, this may not be a fact that everyone's going to agree with. Right. That it is 70 degrees outside. That's a fact. Right. Thoughts? What I think about it being 72. This is a perfect weather. Someone else. No, it's way too cold. All right.
Right. You know, that's kind of what I've come to is I'm like, I would rather spread sunshine instead of like this complaining. And I know. And I. And. And in the hopes that somebody else, me, a year ago would see it and be like, oh, yeah, that's another way to look at it.
Yeah. And I think the more you get on that road of just like, what does me, one year ago, me, five years ago, need to hear?
Yes.
You just share with so much purpose that you know it's not going to be a good fit for everyone. And I know that. Right. If. If someone were to told me five years ago, no one makes you mad. Right. If someone were told about five years ago, I would have either punched them in the face or never talked to them again. Probably just would have never talked to him again and wanted to punch them in the face. But the truth, though, the truth is I'm responding with anger. That's what I'm doing. But really, no one can make me mad. And if someone wants to argue that, okay, well, how long can someone keep you mad? If they can make you mad, that means they can do it again. And they can keep you mad because they know how to do it. So if your kids can make you mad, they can keep you mad, and they can decide when you're going to be angry again. And I just feel like that sounds like a terrible way to live my life. And I think as a mom, so this is another perspective that I hold dearly. My biological dad passed away when I was six, just overnight, like, very unexpectedly. And I had a lot of anxiety coming into motherhood because I was so fearful of my husband dying when our first son turned six. And now he's four. Like, I mean, he's four and a half. So I've had to really work on that. But also using it as, like, this. This really golden perspective of, like, it does not matter what's. Like, I look at my phone and I'm like, look at this freaking little rectangle. Nothing on here matters. This is what matters. And I'm going to feel really proud of how I show up for as long as I'm given this opportunity, because I understand, like, not everyone has their parents still around. Not all kids know their grandparents. Right.
Right.
I didn't have both parents growing up. Like, I just had my mom after I was six. So I just. I think about it that way, and I just want my kids to know, like, I loved them.
Right.
And they're not going to go look at my social media account and wonder if I love them.
Yes. Like, totally.
And I feel so strongly about that. And I know that's, like, that's harsh to say, and I know that, but, I mean, I didn't know he's still loved in my home. And there was not social media that my mom was packing me into a box because the doctor said to get rid of the stress and throwing me out the front door. Like, I mean, obviously the child's not in the. In the box when the mom throws it in the reel. But it's like, what are you going to say?
Oh, I haven't seen that. I was like, what are you talking about? Yeah, so there's the doctor stress. So you get the kid out of.
The house and then threw the box outside. And I'm just like, what are you going to say to your child when they see that? What are you going to tell. No, they need to take a joke. You're so. You're going to defend your behavior and minimize your child's human experience, which, guess what, that is trauma.
Right.
When we don't hold space for people's human experiences, that's trauma. So when I consider how difficult my childhood was without social media, right? And then I look at what's going on on social media right now, like, kids are going to question if their parents love them. I know.
Okay, so I made a YouTube video called I Don't Like Being a Mom. Like, a year ago and now. And then probably a month later, I was like, I'm gonna make one about why I do like being mom, because I don't want that to be the message. And the whole point of it was to relate and be like, these are the hard things that happen. And I think I ended it on a good note. But even so, still, like, when my girls are older and they're scrolling through my YouTube, they're going to be. It'll be like MySpace. Like, they'll have to find it eventually. But I don't want them to see that and to think that and to just. But here's what's even more. More than just, like, the trauma that they might experience or just, like, the feelings that might come up for them, they're going to think, oh, my gosh, motherhood is rough. Yes, motherhood is so.
And that's.
That's what I'm trying to get out of, is being just a mom is not a trap.
Yeah.
That is where my mindset was like, oh, no, I do other things, too. Like, I don't just stay at home with my kids, and I'm like, now I'm like, but if. And actually, the matrescence lady who I had on the podcast, she said that that is a, like, almost an extreme byproduct of feminism that we've devalued motherhood.
Oh, a thousand percent. A thousand percent.
It's so wild.
Like, motherhood truly is, like, this remarkable human experience that not everyone gets to experience it. Not everyone gets to do that. And I just think to look at something that we have the opportunity to experience and being responsible for another life and not. Not even just right now, their whole life, helping them through relationships, you know, and. And the first time someone says something mean to them and.
Yeah.
And gosh, when they become moms, right? And they're like, gosh, this is harder than I thought. You can show them that YouTube video and say, you know what? This is what I thought going into motherhood. And I want you to know right now that the best thing that I ever did in motherhood was change what I think about it. Right? So you can. The. The YouTube video is not a bad thing. It's not a bad thing for us to honestly communicate what we're thinking and how we're feeling. What becomes a bad thing is believing that we're stuck there if we don't like being there. Right. If you don't like that, you don't have to stay there.
Right.
But you could use it as a way to connect with your daughters again. Mindset. Right? They're going to watch that video and they're going to know how hard I worked to get to a place of, like, truly loving motherhood. And if they ever find themselves in a spot where it's hard to love motherhood and where they're at, they can watch it.
Totally. Well, just, like, I'm really glad you said that, actually. But just, like, hearing you talk about how you had rage and anger, I'm like, not this Tessa Romero. Like, what? But it is. It's like, oh, you can go from that to this. Like, that is a journey. It's not just like, you came out of the womb and you're like, good morning.
But I really think, like, I mean, I think it's amazing. People that have, you know, the super supportive mom, and they just look like they have, like, this wonderful family dynamic. They're best friends with their mom, and their mom's the best grandma that they could ask for. Like, I think that's amazing. I don't think it's as popular and common as we like to think it is. Like, you are not the only person that struggles with family relationships. Yes, I promise. You know, not you, but just whoever's listening to this and. And just knowing that, like, it's so helpful. It's so helpful to know, like, well, no, this isn't the way I was raised. But that's why I'm doing it differently. Because it's not the way I was raised.
Yeah.
That's why, like, and I. I would start if I ever felt, like, nervous about motherhood and, like, how I'm going to do this. What, I mean, do. I don't want to be like, my mom. And again, my mom tried so hard. Like, she really did. And there are just some things that I want to make a really good point. Not to do. Yeah. And experiences that I really don't want my kids to have. But what I understand is, like, I know what not to do. And that's a really good place to start. It's an awesome place to start. So that's where I started in motherhood, what not to do. And then I learned about my kids and figured out from there. But just this opportunity. I mean, the sacrifice that we make as mothers should be celebrated. It really shouldn't be talked badly about because it's incredible.
Well, and I think that's some of my acceptance was the sacrifices, because I was a freebird, doing whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, however I wanted. And you can't do that. And it's.
I mean, the thing is, like, you can. You can, but you choose not to because that's not who you are as a mother. You're not going to leave your kids. Like, you've decided that you are the mother that stays. You're devoted. And that's all I want for mindset. Motherhood is for mothers to view themselves through that lens. I can leave my kids right now. I could go travel the world and never come back. People have done that. Right. They've left families. But you're not going to because it's not who you are. Like, you. You are devoted. Yeah. And you're loyal and you're honest, and you're committed to this journey. So even when it feels hard, you're not booking a flight.
Right.
And that's mindset. That's all it is. Right?
Yeah. And that's. Yeah. Woof. This is why you're here. This is not where the conversation. We got deep stuff. No, I think it's good. And I think just having the shift that, like, because working from home, you're like, oh, my gosh, I have to work from home. Like, and now I'm like, this is so great. I'm so grateful that I get to do this. I get to hang out with her. Like, between. I'm recording another podcast in a minute, and, like, between the podcast, I'm excited to go down there, reconnect with them, feed my babe, say, hey, connect with my husband, and then come back up here and do it again and then close it all up and go be mom. And, like, I think just getting into her world helped a lot because I felt like now it's our world instead of her trying to like, me trying to be in mine and, like, having her, too now, it's like, no big Deal. I need to shower. You're gonna hang out here for a second. I'm gonna shut Ezzy in a room so that she's safe away from the toddler. And, like, I'm gonna take a quick shower, and I'm not getting away from anything. This is just what we do.
Yeah. Really, though, like, we don't have to call it as, like, oh, my God. I have to get away from them. Like, no, I need to do things for me so that I can stay the mom I want to be for them. Like, I'm not hiding running or anything like that. But it. It really is just mindset because you're going to take a shower anyway, you know, so it's like, it's what you think about that shower.
Yeah.
That makes it really fulfilling and just wonderful. And, like, you embrace it or you are resentful the entire time you're in the shower. You don't even enjoy it because it's just. Nothing's ever going to be enough when you have a mindset that says that you don't get enough. Yes.
So there's two things. One, knowing that they need me because I used to be like, it's a blessing and a curse. And I'm like, it's a blessing. Like, the fact that I am the thing that can calm them and that helps to regulate them and that they reach for when they're happy or sad or whatever or angry. You know, sometimes she'll be crying and she'll just say, I need a hug. I'm like, you're the cutest thing ever. As well as searching for the good. Because what you look for, you find. Right. So if you're constantly looking for, like, oh, you're the stress. I'm going to put you in a box or whatever. Whatever the real is, like, you will find that. You will find the frustration. You will find the stress coming from your child because that's the way that you perceive it. Instead of, they need me. They. They need to connect with me. They need my.
And, like, the cake pop thing, even just being able to feel, like, special that she wants to show you what she's interested in, regardless if she's going to get it or not. It's like, I like to view it as, like, I'm on their team.
I'm on their team.
Like, if. If my teammate really wants to tell me something, I'm on their team. That doesn't mean I'm gonna bend over backwards and buy everything in the world for them. It just means, like, I care about what you have to say.
Yeah. Yeah.
And we work together.
Boom. Thanks.
So good.
Thank you. Thank you for. What'd you say?
I said they dropped something upstairs. Right.
When you said boom, I didn't hear that, but I heard screaming downstairs, so. Yes. All right.
You're doing a great job, and I'm really glad that you have been. I. I just think it's so valuable what you're doing, and I hope that everyone considers this perspective, because it wasn't like this throughout motherhood for you. Right. Like, the tune for the first two and a half years weren't like this for you. And now you're having a lot of really big realizations, and they're. They're serving you, and you're sharing it because it's helping. You're not sharing it. That's another thing that, like.
Yeah. To gloat.
Like, it's not about gloating. It's not about. It's really not about ego. It really is. Like, you guys, I was doing it this way, and it was so difficult, and now this way. And the only thing that changed was me.
Yes.
No one else changed. And that messaging, I just think the more of it we can get from other experiences, like, not just my experience, not just your experience, but like a woman listening to this, being able to say, like, right now, I view my kids this way. I'm going to try this. I'm going to put this into practice.
Yeah.
And then go tell someone else your positive experience about it. And it's. I really think amazing things are about to happen. Like, it's just. It feels so close. And.
Yeah, we have.
But we have to get really particular about what. Honestly, what influences we allow in our life.
Right.
You. You can't make room for both. I know. I'm really, really selective of when I use the word can't. But if you want this mindset where you can come home and enjoy your time with your kids and feel like the empowered woman in your home and that every choice you make is a choice. It's not just, like, default and there's no other option, then you have to get very specific about what influences you allow in your mind. In your mind. Through podcasts, through YouTube channels, through Instagram, through Facebook, through mom groups, and through.
Awareness of your own actions and thoughts.
Yes.
Yeah. So when you start to feel it yourself, get. Yeah, this is another tangent, but, like, street sleep was the. A major stressor for me. I literally gave it up. Like, I was just like, if my baby wants to sleep two hours today, when she should be getting four. That's fine.
Yeah.
That has made me a better mom too. Because then I find the next day she sleeps six hours and I'm like, oh, she'll sleep when she needs to sleep. And like, yeah, just.
Okay.
Not controlling. That has been so. So you, you really have to be mindful. You can't just sit back and be like, well, I want to be a positive person.
No, you have to be mindful because like I said, we have thoughts all the time. You're always thinking something. So it's not about saying, I really want a mindset like that. You already have a mindset. You know, you've got, you've got the foundation to work with already.
You have thoughts.
Yes, you have the thoughts. It's just a matter of consciously being aware of them instead of just being on autopilot.
Right.
Thinking the same things that you think every day.
You know, like this leads perfectly because you're about to do another group coaching call. Yeah, that almost felt set up, but that was actually, I was like, wait, we haven't talked about this yet.
That was a good layup.
Because you work on that kind of stuff, right?
Yeah, but so the reason why I do my coaching the way that I do it with self discovery work is because that's how it works best for me. Like, it wasn't enough for me to just say like, oh, this thought isn't serving me, let me change it. Like, people make me mad. Well, that thought's not serving me, let me change it. Oh, no, no. There was a reason why I believed that and it was so important to go back, like go back through my childhood and my past experiences and my shame. Shame keeps you from being who you want to be. So you can try and change all you want, but until you actually uncover and heal those, those shame triggers, basically they're going to keep coming up. You're going to keep numbing from them. And numbing looks like avoidance, procrastination, scrolling your phone, drinking alcohol, yelling, shutting down, consuming. Like you can numb really with anything. But my point is I love to use self discovery work and it's very unique what I do, but I, I use self discovery so you can finally understand, like this is who I'm, this is not only who I'm identifying as, but why. This is why I call myself these things. This is why I truly believe this to be true about me. Because I did this, because I made this bad decision at one point in my life. That's shame. Right? So we attach that bad Decision and say, well, I'm a bad person because I did that. Which isn't true. Right. Like, bad choices don't make us bad people.
We are like, what you're saying, right? I'm not a bad person. I made a bad choice.
Exactly. Exactly. But that is mixed up in the. In the mind. It's like, oh, no, I did that, so I am that. But that's not true. So in my course, it's. It's a group. It's a community setting. But that community, it's, like, the most powerful thing you can experience because we all come together. We share vulnerable stories. We encourage each other. You build real friendships. I did a call with them last night, and there's six of them that are in, like, this group text together, and they are like, the biggest cheerleaders to one another. And I love that about the highs and the lows. Like, they. They talk about it all, and I just teach people skills and tools to be able to help themselves be who they want to be and build a mindset that supports them through actual healing. So it's not like, oh, fake it till you make it. I love it when people say that to me. I'm like, what the are you gonna fake? You don't. You can't lie to yourself. You know when you're lying.
Right.
So that's not gonna work. It really is, like, healing. You can come to a place that's like, oh, my God. My mom really did do the best she can. The day I was able to understand that, it was so freeing for me, and. But then I had to work through my own shame of the way that I've treated her. Right. It's like, oh, you realize this, and then don't forget this.
Yeah, Right.
But again, it's just, okay, let me heal that too. Like, yeah, I did that. I mistreated my mom and really, really bad ways, and it's not awesome, but there's a reason why I did it. And.
And you're taking accountability for it, and I'm taking accountability right forward and how to change it. Exactly.
And both her and I are not perfect. So it's. It's just nice to know, like, look, this is what I did, and this is what I can change rather than this is what I did, and I can't do anything, and I can't change, and you are still the same person, so I can't change.
Yeah.
Like, it's just such a backwards way to live life. Like, well, when someone else changes, I'll change.
Yeah. So how do they find your course?
Oh, yeah. So, yeah. So the Mind Body Alignment opens up for enrollment this December.
December 2020.
Yeah, December 2022. Get in the right year, Taylor.
Yeah, I know.
I got this. Just kidding. But Mind Body alignment is the course. Finding it through my Instagram is the easiest way to do that. I already have a wait list up there. So if someone's interested in getting more information about it, getting on that wait list in my bio is the best way to do that. Right now I have a journaling course. So if someone's like, I don't know if I want to do the full 12 weeks. That sounds like a lot of self discovery and healing. It is. You get super vulnerable. I'm not going to lie to you.
Yeah.
If you're not quite ready for that, I have a journaling course. And the journaling course teaches you how to align your mindset with who you want to be without going through all the past stuff. Like, if you're just not ready to do the past stuff yet. I wasn't always ready to do that. I just wanted to change this on the surface.
Surface level. Yeah.
Yeah. And then once I saw progress, I was like, oh, like this, this really works. But like, why am I still ignoring my husband? You know, why am I still doing this? Why do I still feel so angry with my mom? Well, that's not going to go away with mindset. Like, you've actually got to heal it and go there. But you know, when in good time. So my journaling course alignment. Journaling is always available and it's just a four lesson course that teaches you how to change your mindset. And the reviews on that are honestly like life giving. Every single day that I show up, I'm like, I love you people and I love this course.
Oh my gosh.
So yeah, that one is. That one's always available and it is, it's amazing. And I've journaled that method that I'm teaching in the journaling course. I've journaled like that for three years. And I journal every day and I do that.
And I've seen that on your Instagram.
Yeah. People are like, what are you writing? What do you journal? And I'm like, what do you mean? Doesn't everybody know how to journal?
Like, that was one of my questions that I just skipped in this podcast. But that's what I was going to ask you is like, what? So, no, nobody knows what to write.
I just thought everyone journaled that way. And then enough people asked me that I Was finally, like, I don't think people know how to journal. So that's why I made the course. And it's done. It's done a phenomenal job helping people. But basically, like, you are using the power of mental rehearsal in your journaling. So you're already mentally rehearsing. I'm not asking you to do anything you're not doing. I'm just asking you to do it different. So with mental rehearsal, we will mentally rehearse the night, like putting our baby down for bed. You will mentally rehearse how many times you're gonna be up at night and how difficult it's gonna be, and they're gonna cry. And your adrenaline is gonna go in the middle of the night, and then you're gonna have a hard time going back to sleep. Like, your mind goes there until you tell it to do something different. So with part of my course, what I teach you as mental rehearsal is rehearsing who you want to be showing up to those circumstances that are outside of your control. You don't control if your baby's going to wake up. Right. It's just, you don't. But you do control who you are when you walk in the room. Like, who you are when you pick up your baby, what you choose to do and how you. How you want to feel in those moments, you know? So we use. We use that. We emotionalize the experience. And again, like, I teach you how to do that in the course, but you'll emotionalize it because your mind doesn't know the difference. This is the most amazing part about mindset work, in my opinion, is your mind doesn't know the difference between something that's actually happened and something you think that has happened. It doesn't know the difference. You'll feel the same way. It's amazing. It's amazing. So when we kind of like knowing that I. Tapping into that, into the journaling, like, my mind doesn't know the difference. So if I emotionalize this, if I believe this experience, my mind already knows to do this when the circumstance happens. Right. Let's say you have a hard time handling tantrums with your child. Like the cake pop thing.
Yeah.
You get out your journal and you mentally rehearse how you want to handle that cake pop situation, who you want to be as a mother and how. And what fun distraction you're going to give your child of being silly and taking pictures and. And putting in your calendar when you guys are going on a cake pop date. Like, whatever you want to do. Right. But you've already mentally rehearsed that, so your child is no longer tapping into this really exposed part of you.
That interesting.
Out of control.
Yeah.
Your child is just saying, like, hey, remember, like, it just feels like this. This tap, like, yeah. Remember, you mentally rehearsed this. Go ahead and practice it now, like, in real life. But I love journaling. I think it is so fun. And then you. You practice it, and then in your real life, and then if you decide, like, okay, that was better, and this is what I need to do next time, go back to the journal. You know, mentally rehearse it again and again and again, because you're just doing what you know how to do. So until you allow yourself to explore something different and mentally rehearse it. Yeah. It's gonna feel really difficult to change. And that's why change doesn't become sustainable, is because we. We don't mentally rehearse it. We just think, like, oh, I'm gonna battle my pooping. I'm gonna battle my entire programming. Right. Of my past experiences and show up differently in my life. No, you're not.
Right?
No. No, you're not.
Yeah.
But you can rewrite the programming and allow it to support you. And I mean, even past experiences, like, healing those experiences, that's how you gain wisdom. Wisdom's not taught.
You don't.
You don't get taught wisdom. You gain wisdom through your life experiences. So when you're, like, not wanting to heal your past experiences, you're also withholding yourself from all that wisdom that you could have if you would just be willing to shift your perspective about what you've been through. And that's why I love healing work so much, because people come to me with, like, I mean, horrible stories. Really just so sad. And, I mean, not all of it's, like, super traumatic. Some women are just like, I hate that I help my kids. And that's like, you know, that's super valid, too. But there's a reason why you do it. And until you go to those places and be willing to shift your perspective. Like the YouTube video, right? What is a new. Instead of like, oh, my God, I can't believe we did that. I am. I am vulnerable. And my girls are going to look at that one day and they are going to feel so seen and heard from me, and then they have their whole life to know who I really am. But I'm going to keep that there because it's a part of the journey. I'm not going to delete it. I have nothing to be ashamed of, you know, but that, that he. That shift in perspective brings healing.
Totally.
Yes. I am doing the right thing. I am a good person. And that the same thing goes for our past experiences. Like, you can fight that experience and it can continue to hurt you, or you just shift the perspective over one degree at a time until you land in a place where you're like, oh, my God, that happened for me. Like, I wouldn't be who I am today if it weren't for all that.
Right.
And it takes time. Yeah. But it's. It's a skill set to learn. So I just teach the tools and skills. Um, and it's in my bio on Instagram, to answer your question.
So there's no passion behind this. Right. Just kind of like a side project.
I am not walking a calling. Yeah.
Okay. But Tessa Romero underscore is Instagram if people want to check it out or even if they just want to follow your Instagram because it really does have such good content.
I try to put like as much free on Instagram and my highlights and on my podcast and on my emails as I can. Like, I, I love serving. It's just the 12 week course is like, it's so intensive. It's so in depth and we work so closely together for those 12 weeks that it's like, you have got to show me that you're committed because we are going to talk about some really hard things.
Yeah.
And I need to know that you're not going to bail.
Yeah, yeah.
When we get good. But yeah, I, I love it so much. And it's right for some and it's not for others. And that's okay.
Yeah. Amazing. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for chatting with me about all of this. It has been good for me to process through it. It's been great to hear your experiences through it. And I just, I think it's a message that needs to be shared a little bit more. And so I'm. I'm just glad to be aligned with you and working and making all this stuff.
Yeah.
I don't know.
I'm excited for you. And seriously, I want you to keep sharing. I don't want you to fear, like, oh my gosh, this one person.
Right.
Doesn't agree. Did you know for every one negative thought, it takes seven positive thoughts to like, lift yourself back up?
Oh, wow.
So that's why that one negative comment feels like it stings so bad.
Well, and on the you. Because I did a YouTube video about this whole thing. The comments in there are unreal. Positive.
And so.
Right. So I probably have a hundred of those. And literally this one comment, I'm like, oh, did I? Should I not have exactly what?
Right. Yeah. And that's what's important. To stay in your own head.
Like, Right.
That's not true. This person's having a hard time, and this is not the place for them right now. I block people every day. I'm like, it's okay if this isn't right for you, but I actually don't allow people to mistreat me on the Internet, so I'm gonna block you totally. But wishing you the best.
Yeah, yeah.
My approach.
All right, well, thank you so much for chatting with me. We'll have to do another one sometime when it comes up and is right.
Yes.
And I will talk to you soon.
Okay, perfect. Thanks.
I'll see you later. All right. Thank you guys so much for listening. If you enjoyed it, please share with somebody you think would love. And I would be so honored if you would subscribe to the podcast and listen. Leave a comment and rating below so I can know what you guys are digging, what you want more of. Just connect with you a little better. Thank you so much for listening and I'll see you next time.
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