102. You Are Given What You Need with Ashely Emerick

Welcome to the momset podcast, my friend. I'm your coach, Tessa Romero, and as a woman of God, an adoring wife, and a mother of three darling boys, I am passionate about giving you the tools you need to build a mindset skill set that enriches your experience through motherhood and daily life. I've had my fair share of challenges and hardship throughout my life, and that is exactly how I came to this place of finding purpose to my pain and helping you do the same. I know we can thrive right where we are at, and it's time for us to take back motherhood by being the mom that we want to be right right now. Thank you for being here and making this a wonderful place for you to show up alongside you. Hello, my dear friend, and welcome back to the momset podcast. I'm so excited for this episode because we have our very first guest joining us. This guest is very special to me. Her name is Ashley Emrick. She is a dear friend of mine, a past client, and someone that is truly living this work, walking this path right alongside me. And it's really cool to see how this work has played out in her life and give you guys the opportunity to hear from her and the ways that it's all come about. And then we have a great conversation all about being given what you need, what that looks like, what that means, so that you can better see that in your life, too. I hope that you enjoy this show and I'm excited for you to get to know Ashley. Okay, friends, I'm so excited to finally have some guests here on the show and one of our first guests joining us is Ashley Emerick. Ashley's near and dear to me and I love that she is joining us and giving us the opportunity to hear her story from herself and share a really awesome conversation about being given what we need. Welcome to the momset podcast, Ashley.

Thank you, Tess. I am so excited to get to join you today.

We're thrilled to have you. Thanks for making the time. I would love for us to start by our audience, our community, getting to know you a little bit better, seeing maybe parts of their story that relate to what you're sharing, and hopefully just the opportunity to see a little bit of themselves in you because you've transformed so much over the past year, approaching 18 months, not quite so a short period of time, and I think it's just a really awesome story. So can you tell us more about where just, just who you are, what you're about, and then we'll get more into your story from 18 months ago.

Sure. So I am 38. I am a stay at home mom to three beautiful kids. 5, 4 and 18 months. I've been married to my husband Jared for 13 years. We live in Ohio. I would say our life is being married to Jared is basically like a roller coaster. From the day I signed up, I knew it was going to be full of adventure and lots of changes all the time. And that has proven to be the case. We just got home from a two month trip that we took all together as a family of five that was also a roller coaster. And I feel like so much of what I've learned here has just equipped me to be able to do life with Jared now in a completely different mindset than what I had been. I would say our faith is something that is very important to us. We are very social people, so we're raising little social people and that has its challenges and pros and cons to that as well.

Yeah, yeah, I love that so much. And, and honestly, you've been on an incredible health journey, especially this year as well. So tell us just a little bit about that for you too. What's your health like for you now? Sure.

So yeah, I mean, I have been overweight since I was 12 years old. I just had a lot of stuff happen in my life around that age that has has hung on for over two decades. And through some pretty extensive coaching, I just have been at a place where I am finally committed to taking care of myself. And since about two weeks before Christmas, I started this journey on taking care of my physical health. And I have lost 35 pounds since then. And just even more than that, I have just become committed to daily taking care of myself, just physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally. I've just daily committed to that. And that all just is ties together so much that each of those areas that you're taking care of yourself. And so I am proud of that and proud that I finally got in there.

Yeah. Oh, I love that so much. And I love that what you're sharing here is that the work we do on ourselves, it truly does have a whole life benefit. You've talked about your marriage, you've talked about motherhood, you've talked about the ability to go through the roller coaster of changes and adventures and your physical health. And I'm excited for that. What I think would be really awesome for everyone to hear too is just when you came into mind body alignment, that's how you and I met was when you came into the 2023 New Year's group of mind body alignment that I was running. Tell me about where you were at then. That was about 15 months ago. Where were you at 15 months ago when you said, okay, I really need to get into mind body alignment. And I've been seeing that.

Yeah. So I, I was not looking for your class. I, I hadn't followed you on social media. I, I think it was an ad or something that one of my friends shared. Maybe where I saw this course was happening and I saw the advertisement or the, the video say this class saved me. And where I was in my mindset then is, you know, I would not, I would not describe myself as suicidal by any means, but I had this feeling of like, I just wish I could disappear. My family would certainly be better off with someone better to run our household, to be in this marriage, to be a better mom. Like, there's so many people that have to be better than I am at this and they would just be better. And if I could just like disappear, then maybe they would have that option. And I was just in a really bad place. I mean, I had a four month old, so I know my hormones are all out of whack and you know, lots of things going on in our life and I feel like I was just in a really dark place, desperate, praying that something would change. And I found this like video someone had shared about this class saved me. And it was instantly that I knew. I mean, I signed up that day and I'm pretty sure it was already after the window. And I think I messaged you, like, is there any way I can join? And of course you're like, yes, of course. Here we go. It hadn't started yet, but we were like in the week, the prep week, you know, we were there. And that, that class, I mean, it changed everything for me. I mean, truly, when I look through the notes of what I, of who I was then compared to who I am now and the journey that I've been on, I mean, it just changed everything. I feel like people have asked like, you know, are you changed after a 12 week class? Well, no, you're not changed, but you, you are. And you're given the tools to change your life forever. Like the work continues forever. Forever. You're not just like a 12 week fix and then now I just am better. It's like I am better because I am daily committed to the tools and practices that I Learned in that 12 week class. And I've been doing them faithfully for over a year. And so I Am different because of the work I'm putting in. Because the tools that you taught me.

Yeah. And I. I just have to share my perspective of that, too. I mean, people would think I must never struggle with my mindset. I must never get into this place of, like, starting the argument with my spouse or feel angry. Gosh, they're like, so do you just never feel angry anymore? And that's not it at all. I just know what to do when I feel angry, and I know what to do when I catch my mind in a negative place. And I know how to bring myself back to reality instead of following all these falsehoods and lies and going down these rabbit holes of just darkness that we all have in our mind and in our life, and when we can just bring light and shed light on that. Like, none of those things need to go away entirely. And your past doesn't need to change in order for you to feel differently about it and to feel differently about the future you're creating for yourself. And I've been doing this work on myself for over five years now, and I just. I think it would be really, really overwhelming and completely unsustainable, unobtainable. To imagine healing everything that I've ever been through in 12 weeks. That is never the goal. I look at it as, like, pulling back layers, and that's comforting for me because I know I can just work on this layer right now. I don't need to worry about what I'm going to find ten layers from now. I can just work on this layer and know I'll feel lighter once I just. Once I just pull that back, I'm going to feel a lot lighter. And that's the goal for me, is just the continued progression and understanding. This work's never done. And it's not just about the past stuff, because we're living life still right now. Something traumatic could happen today. It's like, don't look at this work as something that you want to be a quick fix. Don't look at it as something as, oh, I need to be changed completely after this 12 weeks. Like, no, you need to just acquire the skills and tools that it takes and the right type of community and support and proof of it so that you'll continue doing it. That's what's really gonna. Really gonna make the difference. So when you were in that place 15 months ago, I feel like there are so many women that listen to this episode and follow me that can relate to exactly what you just shared, exactly what you just shared. And it's really powerful. Can you share with them in mind by alignment? We talk a lot about I am statements and that identity that we carry for ourselves. Can you share with them in your notes what you had written when you came into mind body alignment as that like starting identity, who you believed you were coming into mind body alignment?

Sure, yeah. I mean, reading back through these, I mean, I don't recognize this person and I am so thankful. So, you know, one of the activities you do at the beginning of MBA is an identity work about who am I today? Like, who do I think of myself as in this today? So this is what I wrote. I am unhealthy and tired. I am inconsistent and lack energy. I'm quick to be angry. I am insecure. And I'm the daughter of the most high king, so I at least knew that one. But the rest are just a mess. I mean, they're just a mess. And so I also. Do you mean to say what I wanted to be? I wrote down some things I wanted.

Yeah. Who did you want to be when you first started my.

This is who I am. But I want to be kind, gentle, healthy, in shape. I want to love exercise. I want to love reading again. I want to be energetic. I want to be a person who is tried and true. Like, you know what you're going to get with me, and I want to be someone who finishes what I start.

That's really powerful. So how did it feel that you recall 15 minutes ago sitting down to write that out and you wrote out where you thought you were and you wrote out what you wanted. What did that gap feel like when. When you wrote it down the first time?

It felt impossible. I mean, it literally felt impossible. And Tessa, I want to tell you because I know people listening might join NBA or think they're joining NBA. And I remember thinking that there were girls doing MBA again. And I thought, see, it doesn't work. They just have to keep taking it. Like, it just made the gap feel even bigger. Like, oh my gosh, I'm never going to get there. I'm never going to get there. And now I know that's not true, that these words on this paper about who I want to be were closer to me than I could have imagined. And the desire to be an MBA again or just to continue this work for my lifetime, those are the things that get me closer to being this person. Like, to continue the work, to continue to be an accountability, to choose community that is healthy. Those things get me closer to who I want to be.

Absolutely. Absolutely. And, yeah, I've heard. I've heard that said. I'm also really just grateful that you brought it up here about, why are they repeating it? Why do you have alumni in this group? And, yeah, it's because they crave that. That positivity, that empowerment, that type of community that they know literally anything can go on in my life over the next 12 weeks, and we have a tool for it. And it's not that Tess is the answer. It's that the framework's the answer. And Tessa helps me apply the framework to. To whatever it is that I'm going through. And you get to learn from other people going through it too. It's like, I swear, just running these groups keeps me in the work. Like, I'm so grateful that I get to say, okay, guys, twice a year, we get together for 12 weeks so that I can stay in this work too. I just feel like it would be so, so difficult to do it all on my own forever. I did it all on my own in the beginning, and then once I realized I'm actually not alone in this work, that changed everything for me. Like, it gave me a whole new perspective on, wow. Like, this is just a part of life. It's a part of our mind. It's a part of what we experience. And there's a better way, there's another way, and we can, like, collectively get together and shine light on that way and create a whole path that others join us on. And that's what it's come to. And now I really appreciate my alumni girls because they bring so much guidance and leadership and encouragement to those that are just starting and experience that gap that you just said where it feels impossible. And they're like, it's so possible. Like, you are ridiculously close, and you don't even know it. And just to have so many people telling you that is really, really encouraging, especially on the days where it just feels like, oh, dang, I didn't handle that the way that I wanted to, and you're coming to a community that gets it.

I remember. Absolutely. And I remember saying to you, and even to Nadia, and, you know, sometimes when you're. You're in life, I just kept feeling like there's, like, you know, in the movies where the guy has a lock and they're trying all the different things to get the lock to turn to fit exactly correctly, and if they get it to fit, the door opens. It's exciting. I just felt like that was where I was at. Like, I'm close But I just cannot get there. I cannot get myself over the hump of where I'm at mentally. I cannot. I can't figure out how to get myself out of this pit. And if I could just have the tools to help me unlock and shift it. And I just feel so relieved to feel like my brain is clicked into where it's supposed to be. And like you said, Tessa, to the layers upon layers. We're people that are constantly growing in our minds and in this work. And I feel like you're taking the classes again because you have new layers. I'm not. I still have a person I'm growing to be. I have not achieved. And so I still have layers of work to do. And that's. That's exciting to continue to choose that.

Yeah, continuing to choose it. That's right. Um, so tell us more about now. It's 15 months later. You have gone through mind body alignment. You've attended revive. We've done work personally together. I've seen you grow tremendously over these past 15 months. Can you share with us where your I am statement is at today? Like, where is it at now who you believe you are?

So today I am the sustenance of my family and obedient to the Lord's purpose for my life. I am radiant and put together. I have all I need and give all I can to others. I am unwavering in my commitment to support myself.

I love that. So, so beautiful. How does it feel to. To have that identity?

I am just so thankful to this work and to the Lord for truly changing my heart and my mind and to shift my perspective in so many of these areas. I mean, this I am statement, I mean, it applies to every single aspect of my life. Whether, I mean, you. You know, people hearing it may not understand the depths of what it means to me, but I do. And when I read it and when I write it every single morning, I know that I'm speaking truth over my life and my family in every single, like, part that makes me who I am. And so it's just a reminder. Like, these phrases, like you taught you teach us to make statements that make you come alive. You're not just saying, like, I am kind. Like, that's great if you want to be kind. I am kind.

But like.

Like, when I read. When I read this and when I write this in the morning, it reminds me of who I want to be and who I am and that those things are within my grasp. If I. It's within my control. If I stay in my lane and I stay focused on the person I want to be. These words are true about me.

Yeah. And ultimately they mean you're kind. That's the cool thing. That's the cool thing too, is you don't even have to say kind to be kind because you're. The sustenance of your family.

Represents so much like just even being the sustenance of my family. It's a simple sentence, but it represents the depth of who I want to be as a mom and wife and not just those in a daughter in law and a daughter and a sister. Like, I want to be the sustenance of my family. Not just my immediate family, my entire. Like, I want to be a person that pours life and gives life to the people that are in my family. Like, that means everything to me to get to play that part. And when I am my best self, when I am choosing to have this mindset and be in this work, I am that person and I'm thankful for. Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, it's so, so beautiful and powerful. And there's a part of your I am statement that really stands out to you and I. And I want to bring our audience in on this journey with us to uncover what does it mean to know that you have what you need? That part of your I, that your I am statement. I have what I need. What does that mean to you?

You know, I said. A couple months ago, my pastor did a sermon series on Psalm 23. We went through it in detail over and over for weeks, and we were encouraged to read through it in lots of different translations and lots of different ways. We studied it for a while. And the beginning of that psalm says, the Lord is my shepherd, I have everything I need. That's the new living translation states it that way. I have everything I need. And for me, that just means I know that I am fully equipped as a mom and wife to be the person that I want to be, to show up as I want to show up. There are many. Again, like I mentioned, there are many categories that that applies to. I mean, that applies to my time, my money, my talents, the kind of person I am, the way the fruits of the Spirit pour out in my life. All like that means I have all of those things. The Lord, you know, for me, my faith means that's a promise. You know, if that's not the path you're on, that is still true for you, that you have all you need right now to live, to be the person that you want.

Yeah, absolutely. And I, I 100% agree with you. And there's a line that I put in my writing every day with my journaling, and it says, I have everything I need to have everything I want. And sometimes, like, I bring this back. I've done several episodes on this and pieces of content for us to understand. Like, you are given what you need, and just allowing that perspective into your mind changes the way you see things. Because you know what? It's not always what you want. It's not always what you thought you would get or what you think you should have or what it should look like. And that's the cool thing about spirituality. To any capacity, just believing in something bigger than you. For me, that's Jesus. Like, that's. That's my God, that's my Lord, and. And for others, that's the universe. You know, it's just something bigger than you that helps you understand. You don't control life. Like, you're not. You're not the one pulling the strings and. And having the bigger plan. And, Ashley, you even shared this with me, and I loved it so much. A few weeks ago, you said, you know, things are going according to plan, even if it's not my plan, they are going according to plan. And I was like, that is excellent. It was. It was so good. And when we take ourselves back to understanding, I'm given what I need, it doesn't always look like what you want. It doesn't always look like what you thought it would be or what it should in your narrow mind, and it's still what you need. So that perspective and how you've brought it into your I am statement and how it's backed in scripture is just. It's so cool to see how you can still have more of what you want, and you're going to get more of what you want by understanding. I have what I need to obtain that to be who I want to be. I have everything I need within me. Like, I have the emotional capacity. I have the physical capacity. I have the mental capacity. I have relationships. I have these skills, these tools, these people that. That treasure me. Right, Those little ones at your feet. And when we can see, okay, I have all these things that I need. What do I really want? And we allow ourselves to expand on that some more. What's missing? For you to go get what you want out of the list of needs that it would require. Really, what's missing? Nothing. Because we're giving what we need. I love that. I love that so much. So tell me more about you turned Me onto this book, don't give the enemy a seat at your table. And my listeners often ask for book recommendations, book type reviews. And I think this can be a fun little way to get into that and give our listeners a resource that can help them start having this mentality through the book, don't give the enemy a seat at your table. You and I have both finished that. What was that book like for you in relation to I'm given what I need.

Yeah. So that book, Louis Giglio is an incredible author, speaker. Love him. And, you know, later in Psalm 23, it talks about that the Lord prepares a table for us in the presence of our enemies. And this book was recommended to me by a friend, knowing that I'm working on my mindset. This book is a great mindset book that just ties in our faith. And it says, you know, the Lord prepares this table for us in the presence of our enemy. That means he's present. He's. He's there. But I am to focus my mind on the Lord. And as long as I can stay focused on the Lord and keep that as, like, my first and foremost, it's just like the idea of resting in, knowing the promises that the Lord has for me. And even though I can't see it, even though it feels hard, and sometimes you're like, like I told you we were talking the other day, I am thinking of option A and B in my prayer. I'm praying for option A and B. And the Lord's like, well, there's option Q you haven't considered. And I'm going back, and it's way bigger and better than you could have imagined in options A and B. And I feel like that book has really challenged that mindset for me of, you know, I think. I think this and this. And he's like, you gotta think way bigger. He's able to do way more than we could hope or imagine.

Yeah. Oh, that's so beautiful. And honestly, how often do we find ourselves locked eyes with our enemy, locked eyes with opposition, locked eyes with the hardship instead of really understanding, like, my faith is bigger than all of this. And as long as I keep my focus there on the presence of my Savior, or maybe for you listening to this, it could be the universe, just something bigger than you. Right. That it's not. It doesn't all fall on you. It's not meant to all be in your control. Right. So we have that. That locked focus. And how often are we distracted by what a little enemy said over here about your spouse, about your kids, about your business that you'd like to start or what, I mean, gosh, what someone said on social media when you posted a piece of content or just the way it can look initially, when we put all of our focus and our mind onto that, we get so lost and distracted instead of just like, okay, my biggest job right now is to just keep my focus on my faith. Keep my focus on my faith because I'm given what I need. And if I need opposition, I'm going to be given it. If I need a little temptation over here, I'm going to be given that too. And it's not that you need opposition or temptation because that's the path you're meant to go on. You need opposition, temptation so you can see who you really are. You are a woman of your word. And the only way to know that you're a woman of your word is to be challenged on it. To have that temptation that says, don't do the workout today, you know, don't follow through on that. You don't feel like doing it. It's going to be way too hard. All the kids woke up early from their nap. You know, it's not going to work out to have those, those just difficulties and hardships, opposition, enemy, whatever you want to call it, you literally need that in order to see who you really are. If we were not challenged, we wouldn't see that we are truly these, like the sustenance of our family. How would you ever know that you're the sustenance of your family? You know.

Absolutely. And, and I think too, you know, when it comes down to I have all I need, I feel like the lies I mentioned some topics earlier, you know, the lies that I was believing about my time, my resources and my talents, those are lies that I believed about myself and the lack of things that I had. Like the lie of there's never enough time, there's never enough money, or I'm just a mom. Like, what can I do? I can't have an impact. I'm just a mom. Like, I'm just a stay at home mom. And those are all lies. Like, I have been given everything I need to be exactly who I want. So this work points us to our identity. Who do you want to be? Like, who don't you want to be? You have what you need, but like, it's up to you to decide what you're going to do with it. I can't just sit here and think, well, I don't have enough time to do what I really want. And I certainly don't have the resources and well, I'm just a mom. I mean, that's all still terrible thinking. Even if I understand that I have all I need, it's like, well, where's the challenge in that? And how do I, how do I grow beyond that? And this work has helped form my identity so that I understand the path I want to take. You know, like, I think that, I think that that matters too. Like, you can't, you're not just sitting here thinking, I have all I need. It's not magically all going to happen, but you're equipped to do the things you decide you want to do.

Absolutely. Just. Yes, that's completely. It is. We're not saying have everything that you need. There's nothing to strive for. Like, no, that's not it at all. You have everything you need to strive to be the greatest version of yourself. Because that's what you're here to do. That's what our purpose is, to make that impact, to generationally be treasured. And treasured is a word that I didn't understand the meaning of it. I thought it would just mean like of great value kept in one's possession, which, that's part of the meeting. When I looked up the definition of treasured, I was blown away. It is, it is about being worth remember. Like worth remembering and easy to remember because of someone's special and unique quality. And I'm like, wow, I'm treasured. Like it. And I put it into my I am statement because it was so important for me to remember and to really reframe to this place of understanding that no matter what, I am treasured and I am not forgotten because I'm impossible to forget. I'm so easily remembered. And when I think and this is why this work continues on. I shared on a previous episode this past weekend felt so hard for me. It was, it was, it was really, really. It was one of the hardest four day periods I've had in a very, very long time. Like my mind just felt so negative and Ashley and I already had a conversation about this, so catching the listeners up a little bit and I just. You and I had read the book don't give the enemy a seat at your table. So I referenced. It was like I was locked in on Satan. I was just locked in on the enemy. You have my full attention. Tell me what you're going to tell me. I'm going to argue with you. I'm going to fight it and I'm going to Just be in this. Be in this disdain with you instead of just focusing on the truth. Instead of just focusing, you know, on my faith. And the enemy totally had a seat at my table. The. Maybe just like, the nice, comfiest seat there. Like, I just really went all out for him.

He's eating your lunch. That's what he said.

He's eating. He's eating my lunch. He's eating my lunch. My brownie. Gone. He took it. Right. So everyone, really, you. I would highly recommend reading that book. Don't give the enemy a seat at your table. It's. It's just a great analogy, great visuals and encouragement and direct so many great links to scripture that can. That can back exactly what's being said and what I uncovered, though, and I haven't told Ashley this yet, what I uncovered because of that horrendous four days. It felt completely awful. And because of that, I understand now. I was given exactly what I need to see. The next layer of me that needs healing, that needs addressing, for me to see. This is the exact reason why I sabotage my marriage. This is the exact reason why I sabotage my relationships. This one single thought, and it comes back to this thought of, I don't need you. And I didn't even know that that thought was, like, thriving in my mind. I didn't know it was causing these perspectives of my spouse to take place when he takes on a project and he's excited about it and I'm over here feeling forgotten and like, I'm no longer that priority. So then I armor up with this idea and belief of I don't need you. Right. My dad passed away when I was six years old. And when that happened, I armored up with the perspective, I don't need my mom because she wasn't there.

She.

There was no conversation all through high school. Like, I can track that thought back at least 23 years. 23 years. Now that I've, like, sat and really considered it. That belief has been instilled for at least 23 years. And you know what? Busting that sucker out of there is going to be work. It's. It's going to be work and challenging, and it's still exactly what I need. Like, I needed those four days to take place for me to see. See. Wow. Imagine my marriage without that belief. Imagine the mother I would be, the friend I would be, the business owner I would be if I removed the belief that I don't need you. And. And when I. When I understand, like, I'm given what I need, I Have this person in my life because I need them. Like, my husband's here because I need him. And it's not even just that. It's. I want him too. And I don't want to just put myself into a position to. To be someone that I'm not proud of, to, you know, protect my ego and this belief that I can do it all on my own. The frick. I don't want to do it on my own. So just that that entire full circle of like our listeners need to understand there's a reason why you do what you do. There's a reason why you see yourself this way and you think these things. And it's not truth, it's not fact based, it's not truth based. It's always been belief based. And we look at our experiences and we take those in and then we like, formulate ideas and then we make predictions for next time. And your whole life you've been trying so hard, right? You've been trying so hard to keep yourself safe and protect yourself and, and just survive. That some of those beliefs were absolutely crucial. My belief that I don't need you was so crucial in many parts of my life. And now it's just extremely damaging that I can see where it really served me. And now I see it's extremely harmful and I'm ready to outgrow it. I'm ready to pull back that layer. So currently that's what I'm working on with myself. And just everything you're saying here about given, like, I have the time that I need to do that work. I have the resources that I need, I have the talents, I have the abilities, I have the, the connections that I need to be able to do this work. Where do you feel like moms get caught up, though, in this narrative of not having what they need? Where do you think they get caught up there that prevents them from taking the steps that are required to becoming who they want to be.

Man, I just think there are so many people in our lives that influence us that we don't realize. And I just think choosing to really pay attention to who you're listening to, what you're watching, what you're reading, what content you're taking in. I feel like we are given an out as a society constantly about not being the person we should be, want to be because of like, other people and other excuses and oh, well, you know, being a mom is really difficult and it is, and it's amazing. And I'm equipped to do all the things I want to do, because I have everything I need. And I feel like if we. If we continue to tell ourselves the lie, that it's too hard and I can't do this. But we're told that from so many places, from so many people, from even just simple things like movies and books that you might read that describe one option of what a mom and wife look like, and then you get to decide if that option is who you want to be or not. And I feel like people get hung up, and I feel like your mind wants to be right. So if you are showing up as that mom, you're like, see, there I am. I'm that mom. I'm the mom in the movie. And your mind wants to be right, so you're finding ways to prove yourself right. And I'm just saying, man, it can just be so much better than that.

Yeah, that's. That's a really profound point for us all to consider is just when you think about the influences you've consumed. Yes, they've done exactly that. They've influenced us. And it really takes us away from the idea of who it is that we want to be and what we want, because we're so focused on who someone else is being and what they have that we think, oh, I want that, because she has that. I saw her with that, and now I really want it. You didn't want that one day ago. That's not the mom you wanted to be when you were pregnant or when you thought about being a mom when you were 6 years old. Like, you know, like, if you really take it back and strip back the layers of influence that we've taken on, how would you dress? How would you talk? Like, who would you hang out with? What. What would you do for your spouse? And, I mean, goodness, so many women right now are up in arms about some people wanting to make Easter baskets for their husbands, and they're like, oh, that's completely unnecessary. I shouldn't have to. I can't believe that's another. Yet another expectation being put on my plate. Like, so negative. And I'm like, hey, imagine the joy you could bring to somebody else just because you thought of them, too. When you were out getting things for your kids, you also thought about your spouse. And more than that, you also thought about yourself. I'm making myself a freaking Easter basket this year. I'm very excited. Like, why would I go out and do things for other people that I'm not even willing to do for myself? Shouldn't I treat myself the same way that I'd want to treat other people and, and not have it be exclusive to. Well, I'll only treat my kids that way and not my spouse because I need to prove a point to him. And again, just that, that overbearing freaking narrative of what it is to be a mom, what it is to be a wife. We have to be so intentional because the overwhelming amount of it is negative. It's exhausting. It's overwhelming. We're unappreciated. He doesn't pay attention to me, he doesn't even understand, he doesn't ask me about my day. And when he really stopped to think about it. Have you asked him about his day? Have you taken interest in him? Have you considered what he would like to do, like for a date night and, and just what he needs. And lately. Was it in? It might have been in the book. No, it was in a different book. It's in the book your next five moves. I needed to remember which book it was in. There was a quote about being humble. And I've never considered or understood like humility this way because so often it's painted as like, to be humble is to think less of yourself. Like, oh, to, to make yourself smaller, you need to be humble, make yourself smaller. And in this book it talks about how your humility is your ability not to think less of yourself, it's to think of yourself less and you're thinking of others more. That is when you have humility and you're humble and you show up as your best self because you're thinking of yourself less, not less of yourself though. And I'm just like, how much of mothers do we need to think of ourselves less often? Like just because it's, it's hard for our spouse too, it's hard for our kids too. It's hard for us. And I just don't see how. I mean, gosh, even major psychology accounts out there are just painting the mental load of motherhood and, and like all these diagrams and examples of what it is. And I'm like, you want to know what else it is? It's your ability to know where the freaking laundry detergent is when you go to run that wash and to fold the basket of laundry 10 times faster than anybody else because you know whose clothes are whose and where they all go. You're not sitting there stumbling, fumbling and putting your 5 year old's clothes in the 18 month olds drawer. Like you have a remarkable brain, A remarkable brain. And it doesn't mean doing the laundry is Never hard. It's just understanding, like, for what we've described the mental load of motherhood to be. It's like this overbearing, constant thought of the appointments and the necessities that need to be done and this, the schedule of that day and the kids school and like the groceries and all these things constantly running through your mind. And I just sit here and think like, well, would your life be any better if you didn't know any? Like one of those things. Would your life be any easier or any better if you didn't know about one of those things? No, your life would be harder. What our mind needs is discipline. And yet no one's talking about that. No one's talking about disciplining your mind to, yes, obtain information and only share it with you when you need it. We have 60,000 thoughts a day. If we don't teach our mind to slow down and say, hey, yeah, that's great that you know that. And it's completely irrelevant right now, so keep it over there. I'm focused on this. It's our job, it's our responsibility to do that. And I think it's. Again, it's just, it comes down to influences. Are you going to listen to people saying the mental load is A or are you going to listen to people that say the mental load is B? And there's truth to both sides. Perspective's huge in it, though.

I just feel like. And you just did a workshop, workshop, workshop on victim mentality. And I think that just, that's all I hear when you're describing these people. And so I feel like my heart. I just recognized myself in that pattern 15 months ago about the victim mentality of, like, it just is comfortable, man. It's comfortable to be. It feels good. It feels cozy. So I understand. And the victim mentality loves company. Like, let's all, let's relate to. It's so easy to relate to other moms and other women when you're seeking community by being able to complain about being a mom and all the things that go along with it. And I just, I see that. And none of that will not be true if you just also shifted your perspective and know that you are perfectly equipped and designed to play that role for your family. Like the Lord has perfectly equipped us as women to handle it. And if you could shift your perspective, like you said, you're. You're never not going to know what size your kids are in, in their clothing. That is the person you are. Like, you're that person. And instead of Looking at that like, I can't believe I have to be the one that remembers all this stuff. I just feel so empowered. Like I am like my family's apple icloud. Like they can download any information that they need at any moment from my brain, and I am equipped to be that person, like my husband. Do I like this at this restaurant?

Let me think.

Yes. Yes, you do. Oh, I remember that. And I just think. I just am confident that that is my role. And I am okay with that, man, because I'm gonna be it either way. So why not choose to look at it as I'm grateful that I have been equipped as such instead of man. Just the victim mentality there is so comfortable. And so you, like you said, it's path A or B, and either way, you're the mom. So, like, it would just be easier. It doesn't feel easier. You know, it's like that idea of, like, you have two paths. One of them looks really easy, but it ultimately is the path of death and destruction. And one of the paths looks hard, but it's the one that leads to life. I just feel like even in something as simple as this, you have the choice to choose something that seems harder, that ultimately leads to freedom in your mind. And I feel like this work on identity and giving that up feels hard, but it ultimately will lead to so much freedom in your mind and in your thinking.

Yeah, yeah. And it's just exceptional. It really just is exceptional. And just on that note, when you're saying, you know, I get it, I get it too. I really lived with that victim mentality and especially my relationships. Like, I couldn't wait to find the person to blame, and it certainly wasn't going to be myself. I played no part in that. This is all your fault. You made me mad. Well, I wouldn't have to ignore you if you would just do it right the first time. Or, like, I didn't have to prove a point and show you that I'm mad. And I had this. I had a whole narrative backing it up. And when you said. You said it several times, and it's so true. And we all need to understand this. Your mind loves to be right. It wants nothing else than to be right. Even if it's harmful and destructive and false, as long as it believes it's right, it doesn't care about those things. And you have to consider, like, wow, do I care more about being right? Or being healthy, being well, being prepared, being soft, being kind? What do I. What do I want more Here to be. Do I want to be right that badly that I'm willing to just feel so angry and so lost and so low because I want to be right that bad? And that's where it gets so hard, is because your mind will fight you on this. At first, it's like, no, no, no, no, no, no. It's so terrifying to be wrong. It's like, right and wrong. When in reality, there is a part of this that I'm doing that is right and this behavior over here is wrong. It's poor. It's. It's out of alignment with who I want to be. And being able to pull ourselves back in, to understand there is a right way for me to do this, and I'm ready to learn that. And we don't actually need the victim mentality to have wonderful relationships. Ashley. I feel like the friendship that we've been able to build has never once been a conversation of the victim mentality. And we still talk about really hard things.

Yes.

We still talk about hard things, and we. We get what we actually need out of it because we're being who we want to be in it.

Yes.

And I. I appreciate that.

Yeah. I feel like that is part of the community that you gain when you choose to be friends with people. Like, I'm choosing to be friends with people that the person I want to be wants to be friends with. I hope that makes sense.

Yeah.

I want to be better, so I want to be friends with people who also want to be better. And it becomes difficult to have conversations with people who love being victims and are okay with that, because you're like, man, there's just. I don't know. Just like you said, Tessa, once you apply this work, it applies to everything. You can't just pigeonhole it to. Well, this will only apply when I'm a mom at home. It's like, it applies to all parts of your life because you see the potential for growth, and maybe you get a little hopeful, like, maybe this is gonna be something that affects me. Maybe this is gonna be my actual change. Maybe I can be who I want to be. And so that doesn't just sit with just being a mom. It's in all aspects of who you are as a woman. In all aspects is who you are. And so I feel like your community really matters. Like, you will see. I feel like, a natural shift in some of those relationships, and it's a beautiful thing to watch unfold, and I am thrilled to have people in my corner cheering me on that I know want the Best for me. And they want the best for them, like for their life as well.

Yeah, absolutely. And it's, it's a cool thing to see them get it and to see yourself get it at the same time and see that growth take place. And, and I just want to reassure to our listeners with this, with this topic of really becoming who it is that you want to be, starting right where you're at, just like you did, Ashley, just like I did, and having a focus of who you want to be and getting there And I mean, 15 months later, you've lost 35 pounds, you have a new sense of self. I, I've had the honor and privilege of hearing so many examples of how this has played out in your life in hard circumstances and how you have still showed up as who you want to be. And to me, like, that's so impressive. And you have the opportunity to continuously impress yourself. And when you, when I want to encourage all of our listeners about here is, I believe one of Ashley and I's greatest mentalities is being given what we need. And it doesn't always look like what we want or what we thought it would be. And when you just approach a circumstance with the mentality of, okay, I'm given what I need, so who do I want to be in what I'm given right now? And keep that laser focus on, on that faith that I can be who I want to be in everything that I'm given. And I don't need to control it or even know why it's happening. I don't need to know all of those things. I just need to know what is my next best step to take to get me closer to being who it is that I want to be in what I'm given. And just that mentality of you're given what you need, it might look like an argument with your spouse, right? It might look like something unexpected, really hard, or your kids coming home with some, some hard news to share or the school calling and letting you know the hard news, right? What, whatever it is, if we stop allowing our mind to, to, to think like someone needs to be wrong here, and it's certainly not going to be me. So I gotta find the blame somewhere else. If we just slow our mind down a little bit to first look for what do I need in this? What do I need in this lesson? What do I need in this moment? I'm being given something right now, and there is something here that I need. So I need to be vulnerable with my spouse. I needed an opportunity to be vulnerable with him. And sometimes the best times for that is when it's freaking hard to do it. I needed an opportunity to have a heart to heart with my kids and share more of my life experience with them. Sometimes the best way that's going to come about is not on the happy go, lucky rainbow day. It's going to be when, when they made a poor choice and they're having a hard moment and, and my accessibility and relatability is going to come through because I know who I am and that's just the moment that we needed in order to see it through and, and come about. And I would just challenge everyone listening to consider what would your day to day look like if you knew every single moment that of that piles into this day? Every single moment is exactly what you need. If you could just slow down long enough to realize that and you always have the power to choose who you're going to be in the moment. Who am I going to show up as? Who am I going to be? What am I going to say? There's just so much goodness to it. So we're going to wrap up this episode. Ashley, I am just so, so grateful for you. I know that you inspired the listeners to understand that no matter where it is that they're starting from, they can absolutely become who it is that they want to be. And nothing and no one needs to change before they do. Jared didn't change at first. Like his adventurous heart and creative mind hasn't changed before you started seeing it different. Your three kids didn't change. You didn't lose the weight first. Like nothing happened first. You just started happening and, and getting in motion. And I'm, I'm glad that you could come on, share your perspective, share your faith with us. And then, you know, I just, I hope to have you back in another conversation here soon on the show. Is there anything you want to leave with the listeners before we sign off?

I just want moms listening to know that if they can rest in the peace that comes with the promise that they have everything they need and just know that everything happening around you every day is getting you closer to the person that you want to be.

So good. Oh my gosh, I needed that.

Thanks, Ashley.

So amen. Amen. That's right. Gosh, it was such a wonderful time having you. I'm looking forward to having you back again soon. Oh, my sweet friends, thank you for joining me on this week's episode of the momset podcast. Please take a minute to leave a review and share the show if you loved it. I'd love to stay connected as we continue to learn and grow in motherhood right alongside each other.