104. Mom Guilt Leaving Your Kids and Parenting WITH Your Spouse

Welcome to the momset podcast, my friend. I'm your coach, Tessa Romero, and as a woman of God, an adoring wife, and a mother of three darling boys, I am passionate about giving you the tools you need to build a mindset skill set that enriches your experience through motherhood and daily life. I've had my fair share of challenges and hardship throughout my life, and that is exactly how I came to this place of finding purpose to my pain and helping you do the same. I know we can thrive right where we are at, and it's time for us to take back motherhood by being the mommy that we want to be right right now. Thank you for being here and making this a wonderful place for me to show up alongside you. I've just got to say thank you, life, for continuing to give me experiences and circumstances that I can apply mindset to and continue learning from so that content like this just feels really fun and really easy to share with you. I feel like I'm just calling up my girlfriends and talking to them about what is working, what's not working, what I'm working on, and we get to all learn, grow, and be in motherhood together. And I just love that so much. So thank you, life, and thank you for being here too. It sure does mean a lot to me. And I know that on this episode, as we're talking about the mom guilt that can come when leaving your kids and when who we leave our kids with may potentially be doing something different than what we typically do with our kids. I frequently hear from the mothers that I work with how they that mom guilt leaving just feels completely unbearable. So we're going to unpack that here. And they have this idea that things need to be done their way. And we can feel so fearful and anxious and frustrated and angry and resentful when our spouse is doing things in a way that we don't do them, talking to the kids in a way that we don't talk to them and just. Just thinking of things differently, having a different perspective of parenting, discipline, punishment, kids, activities, nutrition, all of these things. And sometimes our mind gets so fixated on why are they different from me and why can't they just do what I'm doing in my ways the right way that we completely lose out on the opportunity to learn something from someone else. So I'm going to break this down into a story form for you because I have had lots of opportunities to to leave my boys with my husband in the past 18 months, as I have hosted a few of my revive retreats. And just in parenting in general. I feel like I've seen so many times in the past six years of raising our boys that my husband had the opportunity to parent in the way that he wanted to parent and it blew me away how effective it was. So we're going to use some story here in order to paint this picture. So just this past weekend I left for a two day trip and Marcus stayed with our boys. I was doing a team vision weekend and I was super excited for it and honestly just really looking forward to spending this time with my team, getting clear on our vision and that my husband had the opportunity to just parent the way he wants to parent and do things with our boys the way that he wants to do them with the boys. And that's why I do not feel guilty when, when I leave my boys with my husband and, and however we arrange the help personally, we don't live next to family. So it's really just my husband and I working together as what I would consider to be my dream team. And we make it work. And I, and I love it that way. So when I leave, I truly look at my time away for a couple days or gosh, I've left for five days when it comes to revive. Well, when this happens and I'm leaving my boys with Marcus, I truly believe like this is his chance to be the dad he wants to be and do things with the boys that he wants to do and feed them what he wants them to be eating and play in the backyard, do things, stay up a little bit later, skip a nap, drive in the truck, go off roading, whatever it is that they're gonna do. This is his chance to be the dad that he wants to be and parent the way that he wants to parent in a way that feels like, you know, I just have really been wanting to try this and maybe I haven't felt like I could do that around Tessa or. I don't know, I just, I think it's a really cool opportunity to give our spouse this, this chance to just do it, do it unafraid, do it like you're ready to learn something. And I, and I truly believe it's a great opportunity for my boys to get to know their dad better, to build a stronger relationship with dad, to have experiences with him and for them to have experiences together that maybe wouldn't have happened if I were at the house doing the things that I normally do, which I have lots of room for growth. There are totally times that I correct my Husband and the things that he says or I think his perspective of what's happening is off. And in that moment, like even in front of our kids, it will look like I'm taking the side of the boys. And that can feel really frustrating for him. And it's totally something that I'm working on and as a wife, because it's outside of alignment with the wife that I want to be and the mother that I want to be and the example that I want to set. So I wanted to share that part though, because I think it's important to realize we all have something to work on and I am certainly not perfect. I want to be able to observe quietly, like make quiet observations and quick adjustments in my home and family. And that's kind of like a value that I hold myself to is quiet observations and quick adjustments. So when I left this past weekend for a couple days, I'm basically saying, you're welcome on my way out the door because I've built this entire mentality of how good it is for my husband to have a couple days with our kids without me there, how good it is for our marriage, how much, how good it feels to just miss him and crave his presence when I get back and text each other just, just what's going on in our day and check in with each other and FaceTime each other and the boys and. And it's good for him to see, have the opportunity to see what I do in our home each day. And you know, some things that we take for granted on both sides, what I take for granted from him and what he takes for granted sometimes for me just that human nature to forget what we are so fortunate to have, taking a couple days to realize that the way that I view it, when I take a step back and I do something that I'm really excited to do and that may include leaving my boys with my husband. So if you ever have the opportunity to have a 24 hour trip or a couple days or whatever it looks like for you, if the opportunity comes up and you're trying to talk yourself out of it because you think, oh no, I have to be here and do it all myself, no, that won't work, Or I can't just leave, what would they do without me? Like, maybe it's a good thing for them to see what they would do for a weekend without you there. And it's good for you to see that they're okay and they can do it for a weekend without you there. It's going to look different, and they're going to miss you, and you're going to miss them. It's just you're not doing something wrong or outside of alignment with who you want to be when you give other people the opportunity to be who they want to be and to grow their appreciation and gratitude and have experiences that they may not have had if you were there. So that's my piece of encouragement for you, is if you have the opportunity, I completely encourage you to take it and see what it looks like. What it looks like and have that mentality in perspective of how much you're giving back to your family when you give them the opportunity to do it a way that they want to do it without you there. So that's what my mentality was. Leaving this past weekend, I basically am saying thank you. I mean, excuse me. You're welcome. That and thank you. I say a lot of thank yous, and in my head, I'm saying a lot of your welcomes. Like, I am giving you this chance to go do this with each other. And I'm excited to hear how it goes and what you guys do. And I've learned that over the course of, you know, six years of parenting with Marcus, my husband, I learned over that course of time, too. When it comes to our spouses may be doing some things differently than we would when we had our first son, I really believed that my husband had to do everything the way that I was doing it. Like, we needed to do everything the same bedtime routine had to be the same from both of us. You have to cook Liam the same food that I'm cooking Liam. You need to take in the same places. You need to take them on the same walk. You need, like, seriously. It was very much a control thing on my end, and it took me a little bit to be able to figure that out. And it honestly wasn't until Liam was a tiny bit older. He was still our only child. He was a tiny bit older, though. And I think I left for, like, 24 hours. And it showed me, like, oh, my gosh. Like, Marcus has great ideas, and there are things that he's been wanting to do that, gosh, I haven't even given him the opportunity to do and the. And myself the opportunity to learn from because I've just convinced myself he has to do it my way and my way is the right way. And it's just like time after time, year after year in our parenting, I have learned that is, like, the furthest thing from the truth. So this has been going on for years that I've observed. My husband has so many good ideas and so many just incredible insights. And if I just give him the opportunity to try those things, it's not just about him trying it to see if it works. It's about me learning from it too, and being able to parent together, understanding that we're both very valuable in our roles and relationships with our boys. And I've appreciated the perspective in parenting because there's definitely times that it felt a lot harder to get there. It felt a lot harder to say, like, okay, this is the way he wants to do it, and there's either something I can learn here or, you know, sometimes it feels like that's the opposite of the way I want to do. Also helps me to realize that we have a shared vision in parenting. We want the same things. And when we can work together as parents, we can accomplish our goals and outcomes as parents. And focusing on the vision of what we want is so much stronger than focusing on how we're going to get it. When you try to control the. How you're going to get that vision and what you want out of parenting, when you try to control the. How your mind gets tricked into thinking that it knows exactly how to do it. And this is the. This is the way it has to go. This is the only way that it can be done. And that's. That just could not be further from the truth. Like when we use alignment journaling, and when we are in our journals, sweet friend, we're not writing about how we're gonna get what we want and how we're gonna become who we want to be. That's not what we're doing because it's a silly. It's a silly pursuit of imaginary control to get there. And the same thing I believe goes for parenting. Thinking that you know exactly how to do everything is. Is a little bit silly. And it closes you off to the idea of even being able to learn from other people and their. And the experiences presented to you. And again, at the times that it has felt difficult to accept other parenting ideas that have come up and things that my husband wants to try and do and feel right for him. I've come to understand, too, that diverse experiences are really good for my kids. Diverse experiences are good for my kids. And we share the same parenting vision. And if I stay open to learning from him, then the chances of me keeping the channel open are much greater. Where I love to learn from you, it's easier to reciprocate that and love learning from that person, too. So you love to learn, do you? I mean, really just ask yourself, do I love to learn from my husband and the way that he parents do I love to learn from him? Do I love to take the things that he's doing and work and work together to see if it's the way that we want to do things and if it aligns with our parenting vision? Do I love to do that with him? And if the answer is no, I don't love to learn from my husband's parenting and I don't have an interest to learn from my husband's parenting, maybe that's a good thing to just start considering is what am I missing out on and just refusing to allow myself to learn from somebody else? And what could our family potentially be missing out on if I don't even give him the chance to lead by example and teach me something? Because I'm too busy criticizing and correcting to even give it a chance to see if there's something that we can both learn from it and stay on the same team? So while I was gone this weekend, I'm basically saying, you're welcome. While I'm heading out the door, I don't feel guilty. I, like, love that I have this opportunity. I'm excited for it. I'm excited for my kids to have time with their dad. I'm excited for their dad to have time with them and have the freedom to do what the frick you want to do. And we work really well as a team, so it's like, you know what I normally do, and you have this opportunity to do things the way that you wanted to. So while I was gone for those two days, I. The timing of when I was leaving is what I felt a little bit nervous about because my two older boys, it just seems like they've been in a heightened state of sibling friction where it just seems like there's several physical fights between them throughout the day. And they've been saying some pretty hurtful things to. To each other. They've been pretty resistant to doing things for one another and leading with service the way that I would like to see them do so. And. And that's felt really hard for us. And honestly, it's been going on. It's been going on for a period of time, and I feel like I've been trying everything. I've tried moving my work schedule around so that I can make sure I'm giving them my undivided attention because surely what they're doing has to be because I'M not giving them every single second of my attention, energy, and focus, obviously. And I've tried, like, so, yeah, moving my work schedule, changing our nutrition and making sure, like, we have these meals, we're drinking water, being outside more, giving them. Giving them jobs and tasks to do and literally, even, like, praying for one another. You see your brother's having a hard time. Okay, you and I are gonna stop right here, and we're gonna say a prayer for your brother. I've tried, like, literally most anything I can think of, and I'm grateful that I've stayed open to, like, okay, any other ideas, brain. I'm just up for it. So I'm grateful for that. And I just understood that leaving this weekend, oh, boy, our boys could be in the. In the thick of that tension for Marcus, and that can feel very challenging to guide your children through and to be a part of. And especially when you have all three on your own for a few days, like, that could be tough. So I knew that while leaving and when I was gone, I was. I was truly, like, mentally prepared and physically prepared to come back home that Sunday to meltdowns, tantrums, the sibling tension even greater now because mom was gone. And their little. Their little love mom buckets are probably empty because I was gone. So on my drive home, back home that weekend, I'm like, okay, I. I know who I'm going to be when I come back home. I know the way I'm going to show up. I was mentally rehearsing what I want to see myself do. And even when I was gone that weekend, I was mentally rehearsing, literally in my journal, how I want to start showing up to the friction that they experience. And I came up with great ideas in my journal, and I'm like, okay, I am so excited to go home and observe a moment of their friction and tension that they experience and try this thing, because I had journaled about it, that I'm like, bring it on. Like, this is so freaking exciting. I'm about to just rock it, and this is going to work. And I was, like, all pumped. And I came home with that idea of, yes, they're going to be having a hard time and I'm going to freaking thrive. Like, I already know it. That is just what I'm going to do, is I'm going to thrive. And I get home, and I just was completely caught by surprise, completely surprised at what I saw. And my boys, all three of them, were like the dream team, BFF Brother club that I write about in My journal. Just about every day, like, they were doing it. They were laughing together. They were playing together. They were, like, realizing when the other one was feeling frustrated and helping them. They were. I mean, just, like, just. Just together and thriving. And I was basically just, like, starstruck. I'm like, what is happening? Like, this isn't. This isn't the meltdowns. This isn't the tantrums. This isn't empty love buckets. Like, I'm sure you guys missed me, and you guys are doing, like, exceptional. This is great behavior. And I was. I was just so excited. I take my boys to. To the store while Drew is taking his nap. And again, at the whole store experience, they're helping each other. They're laughing, they're playing. They're telling jokes. They're just, like, the best pals. And my mommy heart's like, well, just order 16 more of these. Thank you. I would love a whole litter of kids at this point. Like, this is amazing. And. And as we're leaving the store, I asked Liam, I said, liam, gosh, I've just noticed that you have been so helpful to Luke, and you guys are playing so great together. And I said, well, goodness, what did dad teach you while I was gone? And he said, he taught us how to be kind. I was like, oh, okay, so what? And I. And then I, like, giggle, and I'm smiling, and I just love that answer. And I said, well, what does mommy normally teach you when I'm here? He said, to be kind. And I'm like, okay. So again, it's like we have the same vision. We both want our children to be kind. And Liam, I guess, saw it as dad taught me how to do it, and mom told me what to do, and there was some type of gap. And I'm like, holy freaking smokes, I've got something to learn here. And I am so excited to just observe, like, teach me your ways. And I had a whole conversation about it that night with my husband. I'm like, what did you do? And he was like, I. We just really prioritized, speaking kindly to one another. And I. And I literally asked him, like, did you spank them? And this is not a judgment on spanking. I just. That's not my preferred style. I was like, did you spank them while I was gone? He goes, no, I did not spank them while you're gone. I was like, okay, I'm excited to learn how you did this then, because this is just so, so cool, so exciting. And to me, getting to See that experience take place and unfold. And Liam's perspective of all of this, it was like, I get to learn so much from my husband because he has opportunities to just be the dad he wants to be. And it was one of those really great reminders for me to be able to put myself in a position to just not correct his the way he's doing things, and spend more time observing, more time learning. Because when we go into our. When we go into, you know, these circumstances that we have with parenting and we're trying to parent with our spouse and. And do these things, when we go into it with a perspective of, you know, we're critical of what everyone else. Else is doing, if they're doing something different than what we are doing, it's like, how quickly do we close ourselves off to learning something new and even finding what works better for our kids and family than what we were trying to do before? And there's just this endless opportunity to learn from others. And if there's a fear wrapped around that for you, we're like, well, what if this outcome? What if this outcome? What if this outcome? If you have that fear. What really helps me is this perspective of diverse experience. Diverse experience. Experiences are really good for my kids. It is good for my kids to experience diversity. It's good for them to realize the difference between treating someone kindly and treating someone poorly and the natural consequences that follow their good choices and their poor choices and diverse experiences of goodness. Just different parenting styles, different environments they could be in. What it's like for someone that has parents that work out of the home, what it's like for someone that has parents that work in the home. What it's like for kids that go to school all day versus the kids that stay home or somewhere in between. That diversity is really great for my kids. And when I keep that perspective of things, I don't fear, oh, my gosh, is this going to be it? Like, this is going to be what traumatizes them now, understanding keeping our kids safe is a huge priority and focus, and that's our job, is to keep them safe. We are responsible for them, and it is our job to do that. And I'm not talking about putting your kids in unsafe situations. No, you are an incredible mother, and I trust your judgment. This episode is about welcoming in more of what your husband's or your spouse's vision is as a parent and what the family unit looks like and what that vision is of the family unit and realizing, wow, that sounds a lot like the vision I have. So whatever it is that they're trying to do or refusing to try doing, take it back to the vision. What do we want in our family dynamic, and what do you think will work in order to accomplish that? Here's what I think will work to accomplish that. And I'd love to learn from your style in this way, and that just invites learning from your style, because there are definitely times that are just so humbling for me that my husband has said, you know, I really want to do it the way that you do it, and I see that that's a better way to do it. And in the moment, it feels really hard to do it. And to hear that from him, it's just like, it's such a softening experience for me. And there are other times that he doesn't even talk to me about changing it. He just sees what I'm doing and is. It feels better to do, and it works better with our boys, and he's just naturally implemented it. And there are totally times that I've observed that, and I've done the same thing with what he does, and that's, to me, very important to do. And I. I also want to give you a lot of encouragement, too, because I feel like when I leave and I give my. My husband the opportunity to do things that are different than the way that I would do them. I mean, he lets our boys cook breakfast while I'm gone, and they're the ones making the French toast, and he makes it so fun for them. And. And they make construction paper chef hats to wear together. And I think that's just like, wow. Never once in the six years of making breakfast, from Liam to Liam and Luke and Liam and Luke and Drew, have I made them chef hats to help me make breakfast. Like, what a cool experience for them. And you know what? I make breakfast every single morning. So how many opportunities have I really invited my spouse in to say, how do you want breakfast to go this morning? Like, what's something you want to do with the boys? How can we make this special for them? And he just did those things when I wasn't in the kitchen cooking breakfast and thinking, oh, this is something that I do, and this is the way that we do it. We can just learn so much when we understand that it doesn't have to be done our way. The only way I can learn from my spouse is to believe there's something he can teach me and that his way is worthwhile to see through and give a try. Just as much as my way is. So if you answered that question earlier of I don't seek an opportunity to learn from my spouse and the way he wants to parent, maybe that's the reason why you're not learning is because the only way you can learn from your spouse is to believe there's something that they can teach you. If you don't believe there's something that they can teach you, then you're just instantly going to jump to criticism, defensiveness, argumentative nature, and you're going to just jump in there assuming, well, he should just do it my way. How do you know he should just do it your way? How do you know that your way is the best way, the right way, the way that your kids truly need? If you, if you never try anything different, like, how do you know? How do you know that your mind cannot know that? Like, that's, that's what's so cool about this idea of what people should and shouldn't do is your mind doesn't know that. It's just making a prediction and it loves to be right. So put the two of those combos together. It loves to be right about your predictions. We don't often challenge our predictions and think, oh, maybe this is wrong and it's just a relief in parenting and working on reuniting with your spouse. In terms of parenting and understanding, diverse experiences are good for my kids. And the only way I can learn something from my spouse is to believe that there's something he can teach me so I can focus on that. That part's inside of your control. And you can give your, your spouse, their father, the opportunity to do things the way he wants to do them and be the dad he wants to be for your kids and give, give your kids the opportunity to have that, that experience with their dad that may not have happened if you were there. And it's all just this beautiful string of perspective, work of, of mindset coming together. And mostly it's your identity as a mother, it's your identity as a wife. Keep walking around saying, I am burnt out, I am overwhelmed, I am anxious, I am resentful as a mother, as a wife, how are we showing up in that role? What are we thinking about our kids? What are we thinking about our spouse? We've already closed off the opportunity to learn from them because we've just decided that we are resentful. I am resentful, I am overwhelmed, I am anxious, I am unsupported, I am unappreciated. Well, gosh, if that's who you believe that you are. Are you even looking for those things anymore? Are you even trying to see how those things may not be true? Are you just accepting them as fact? And that's why I live in this work. I live by an identity that I actually want to have. And I force my mind to say things and show me things that I want to hear and I want to see because I control those things. And yes, I still have lots of room for improvement, just like everybody else. I also know that I have a hearty box of tools that I can pull on and I feel very confident with. So if that's a position that you're in where you're like, gosh, I just. I want to believe that there's something that my spouse can teach me. And I. I envision how much better I would show up in our parenting dynamic if I did believe that. Like, if you can see that, gosh, there's like, such good work that we could do. And that's why we have alignment journaling. That's why we have mind body alignment. That's why I love coaching. Because it's not. It's not just about you. It's about your kids, it's about your spouse. It's about the family dynamic and the generational impact that you're making because what are the chances that our kids are just going to go and do what we have done, just like every other generation before us? There's a lot of. There's a lot of people that just do what they know how to do, and that's what we all do and repeat the experiences and. And don't see the way to change them. And I hope that you're someone that sees a way to change them and decides to do it because you're worthwhile, your spouse is worthwhile, your kids are worthwhile. And gosh, this work is just an incredible way to. To get you there, to help you see yourself being who you want to be, no matter who you're with or the circumstances that you're in, you can do that. I absolutely guarantee it. I absolutely promise it. So if you're interested in coaching, I would love to hear from you. Just use the email provided in the notes below and we can get you started in your coaching. Even if we don't have a group running right now, with our large groups that we run twice a year for mind body alignment, just use that email connectomset.com and we have new coaching opportunities opened up that can give you the chance to get into this work. Use our 12 week framework, implement the tools in your your home, your family and do that in that 12 week period and we can offer that year round now. Which I'm extremely excited to to have and share with you. So thank you for being here, my sweet friend. I hope this was a helpful episode for you and I'm very excited to connect more as we continue growing together. Oh my sweet friend, thank you for joining me on this week's episode of the momset podcast. Please take a minute to leave a review and share the show. If you loved it, I'd love to stay connected as we continue to learn and grow in motherhood right alongside each other.