108. 4 Ways To Speak Life Over Your Kids

Welcome to the momset podcast, my friend. I'm your coach, Tessa Romero, and as a woman of God, an adoring wife, and a mother of three darling boys, I am passionate about giving you the tools you need to build a mindset skill set that enriches your experience through motherhood and daily life. I've had my fair share of challenges and hardship throughout my life and that is exactly how I came to this place of finding purpose to my pain and helping you do the same. I know we can thrive right where we are at and it's time for us to take back motherhood and by being the mommy that we want to be right now. Thank you for being here and making this a wonderful place for me to show up alongside you. Welcome, welcome sweet friend. Come on back here, let's bring it in and get your mindset in a wonderful place to take on wherever you're at, whatever you have on your plate, and wherever it is that you want to be able to go. Personally, I feel so excited for this episode. I was recently talking about on my Instagram being able to speak life over your kids and I got several messages coming in asking can you go into more detail of what that means, what that looks like? So I wanted today's episode to just be completely laser focused on four ways to speak life over your kids. This is an incredible way for you to also enrich your mindset about your kids because as you speak life over them, you're also breathing in that life to you and remembering who they truly are, what why they do, what they do, the vision that you have for your life with them and and who you see them becoming like. It gets really exciting to be around your kids. It gets really exciting to help them through their challenging moments when you know how to speak life over them very effectively. So this is just as much for you as it is for them and I'm going to break it down into four steps for you and I feel like this really beautifully complements the mommy Mindset course that I came out with that's totally about parenting mindset. Like how to have the strongest mindset in motherhood is what I put all those tools into the Mommy mindset course. So if you're interested in that course, just go to www.momset m o m s e-t.com and you'll be able to find the Mommy mindset course there's for you. It's five weeks, self paced, still great PDF and video module coaching material for you to be able to work through. It's just fantastic. And it's exactly the way that I keep a great mindset in motherhood and see myself as the mommy that I want to be. So today, let's dive in four ways to speak life over your kids. Number one Covenant Hot I really believe this one's the most important. Like this one is completely non negotiable. And and that is using intentional you are statements with them. If you really pay attention, you are constantly using your statements. And when you reflect on those, you are statements you can consider and really start asking yourself are the you are statements I'm using with my kids helping them build the character, the behavior, the feelings, the tendencies, the the thoughts that I want my kids to have? Yes or no? I would just from my own observations, I would say there is a large no that would come in for a lot of us and it's something that we can truly start enriching in any, any circumstance. This is what I mean when I say nothing and no one needs to change before you do. Your kids can can continue doing the same things, thinking the same way, arguing, having those tendencies, lying, hitting their sibling, or telling you flat out no. When you ask them to do something, they can continue doing. Every single one of those things that your mind is saying drives you crazy and gets you to think that, oh, you are so disrespectful, you are so selfish, you are mean, you are inconsiderate, you are lazy. All of those you are statements that we're creating because we have the wrong perspective about their behavior. And interesting enough, the perspective we're carrying about their behavior and what we notice them doing, what we notice them thinking is coming from who we believe they are. So if we focus on the you are statements first, it anchors our mind to understand and to view our children as who we believe they are. And given who we believe they are, we what are they going through that this is the best they can do right now. So mindset easily flows along with the UR statements that you choose to anchor. You choose to anchor your mindset in. It's so cool. So I'm encouraging you here to use intentional UR statements instead of maybe some of the unintentional ones that were coming up before. So those unintentional ones are really focused on how they're feeling in that moment. You are sad, you are mad, you are tired. Okay? Just like I've been teaching you about your I am statements. You're not your feelings. Your kids aren't their feelings either. Empower your kids when they're experiencing an emotion, no matter how big the emotion is, no matter how out of control they feel with that emotion, they will feel more in control, more empowered when they understand, yes, this is how you feel and it's valid that you feel that way. And it's hard when we feel that way. And this is who you are and you start using that language with them right now too. And you can do that when you focus on intentional UR statements. So I want you to consider who is your child really? I mean just seriously, their innate character and nature about them. How would you describe who they are? And can you do it using only positive characteristics? Like only use positive descriptive terms to encompass who you know your child to be and write those down, please. Only expect your mind to do what you've taught it to do. So if it has been taught to share what could be really hurtful and damaging, you are statements. And you've been attaching that with their behavior, their feelings, their tendencies, their roles. Like you've been doing that so much. Don't expect your mind to one day just like wake up and look at your kids and be like, oh, I have all the nicest you are statements to say about you. No, that's not the way it's going to work. We're going to need to teach the mind how to do something new. So right now, as you're learning this first way to speak life over your kids is using intentionally you are statements. Get out a pen and piece of paper, pull out the notes on your phone and I want you to Write at least 3. Try to get to 5 positive characteristics that describe each of your children. Which of your children is witty? Which one is strong willed, which one is devoted, which one is adaptable, which one's flexible, which one's creative, which one's a visionary? Really look at their character, you know, their character and that innate way that they are better than anyone else. There is not one single other person on the planet that's gonna write a better description of who your children are than you. I mean you've seen things in them since the day they were born. There's just been a way about them. Like my 4 year old, my little Loki doodle. He's light like he is just. That is a, that is a way I've described. His character is light like he's light and he's fierce and that means he has this fear fierce love and he has a fierce just like go getter energy about life. Like if he has an idea you it's just fiercely going to be pursued. And I love that about him. And can it come up in other ways? Absolutely. I just have it anchored in this is who my son is. He will fiercely pursue his ideas, and he has a light about him that is undisturbed by the world. And. And I love that. So when I have these you are statements prepared for my kids, it's much easier for me to pull on them even in the midst of difficult behaviors, when they're thinking in a way that's harmful to themselves or others, when they're feeling really strongly about something and having a hard time with their feelings. I can go back to these statements and use them to emphasize their true character and even who I want them to be, who I want them to see themselves as. You're brilliant. You're so creative. You are. Gosh, I just. I love your imagination, like, being able to use this language with them, to instill this character in this view of themselves is coming from the you are statements that I use. So number one, non negotiable for me is you are statements. We have to stop attaching an identity to. To behaviors that you don't wanna see and stop attaching their identity to how they feel in the moment. Because feelings are so valid and they're changing. They're constantly changing. We're meant to experience emotions and let them pass. We're not. We're not meant to just, like, stay with that one single feeling that came from that one circumstance for days at a time, for weeks at a time. Gosh, how many of us have been doing it for years at a time? That is not our nature. That is not the way it's meant to be. We've got to know who we are. So number one, non negotiable. You must start here. Use intentional you are statements with your kids, and the mommy mindset course will help you do that tremendously, tremendously for yourself, like who you believe you are as a mother and for your kids, who you believe they are as your children. Let's move into this. The second one. So the second way to speak life over your kids is to keep your words focused on what you do want them to do instead of what you don't. So often. We are feeding our kids the wrong vision. We're feeding them the wrong vision. Don't hit your brother. It is not okay to whine when it's time to leave the park. And I told you not to waste your food. Of course you are out of your buckles. Like, it's like our words get so focused on saying what we do not want them to do, instead of what we do want them to do. And think about it like this. Kids are so creative. They're so imaginative. They're literal visionaries. Like, they. They bring the pictures of their mind to life. They listen to the. The words in a book, the words that you share with them. They listen to these words and they so easily just create that picture in their mind, and they want to see it through so they see what you say. Really think about that. Your kids are seeing what you're saying. So if. If you're saying, do not hit your brother, just over and over again, do not hit your brother. Do not hit your brother. Do not hit your brother. Do not pull your sister's hair. Do not get out of your car seat buckles, do not open that door. Do not throw that down the stairs. Whatever it is that you're saying, do not do. What actual clear picture did you put in their mind? Did you put a clear picture of what you want them to do through your words because they can see what you say? Did you put a clear picture of what you want them to do? Or do they have a better detailed picture of what you don't want them to do? It doesn't matter if the word not is in there. That is irrelevant. What matters is where the details went for the picture in their mind because they see what we say. So in everything that I just shared there, do not throw that down the stairs. Do not hit your brother. Do not get out of your buckles, do not waste your food, do not be rude, Things like that. When we say those things. The only clear picture we've shared is what we don't want them to do and be. Because their mind is still developing, it's much easier for them to act on the clear picture of what to do than anything. Like, for them to go figure it out on, on their own of what they're supposed to do instead. They're learning. Our job is to teach. Their job is to learn. It's not our job to decide and control how quickly they learn. Our job is to remain willing to teach no matter how long it takes to learn. Are you willing? Does this lesson matter enough to you that you're willing to repeat it? You're willing to try it again? You're willing to put this into practice? You're willing to encourage them and teach it another way? Does it matter enough to you that you're willing to do those things? Yes. The answer is yes. And we're. We're doing that because we are excellent at teaching, and it's very clear that they are eager to learn. They want to do this. So the second way that you speak life over your kids is to tell them a vision that emphasizes what you want them to see, right? We're going to say what we want them to see. So if we were initially going to say, do not throw that down the stairs. Okay, well, that's what they would see is themselves throwing it down the stairs. And because they have that clear picture in their head of them standing at the stairs and throwing it down, that's what they're going to do. Because that is the clear picture of what to do. We are going to say what we want them to see. Hey, turn around and put that on the counter. Turn around, put that on the counter. Very clear, very direct. And we're speaking life over them with these new visions, these new ideas, these new directions that are very clear. They're very positive. I'm telling you what I want you to do. I want you to have this picture in your head. I want to see where you freaking take it. With the amount of details that. That I give you, I think this is great. Be able and be willing to do that. And you know what? For you, this is new. It's likely that exactly how you're talking to your kids is how you talk to yourself. Why would you talk to your kids any differently than you talk to yourself? That's just like our kids standing at the top of the stairs and we tell them, do not throw that down the stairs and expect them to know what to do instead. Why would you expect your mind to know how to do something that you haven't taught it to do? It's the same thing with our kids, right? So being able to put these pieces together. If using intentionally you are statements with your kids feels hard, it's likely that using intentional I am statements with yourself feels hard. And if it feels really hard to share a vision of what you do want your kids to do in a moment, that it would be really easy to share what you don't want them to do. Think about on a daily basis how often you're telling yourself, don't eat that, don't do that, don't miss this light, don't be late, don't skip the workout, don't sleep in, don't stay up late, don't pick up your phone, don't do all these things. It doesn't matter if the word not is there. Your brain just takes the picture and says, well, that looks like I can do that. So here I'm going to encourage you to do that. So that's your second, second point. After using intentional I am statements, you are keeping your words focused on, on what you do want them to do instead of what you don't. Because kids are visionaries and they see what you say. Just keep repeating that. They see what I say, they see what I say, they see what I say, what do I want them to see? So what do I need to say? And just reverse engineer it that way. So you're going to tell them a vision that emphasizes what you want them to see and that's going to create more of what you want them to do. The next one. The third way that you can speak life, speak life over your kids is to speak kindly about who they are and what they do, both in front of them and when you are around other people and your kids aren't there. I told you all four of these, all four of these ways to speak life over your kids is a way for you to enrich your mindset, your identity as a mother. And yes, it plants amazing seeds in your kids for sure. Because if we can instill this belief of, hey, this is who you are and this is what we do and these new pictures, if you can do all that, imagine the way those seeds grow in them. And what's amazing about this is while the focus is on like being able to share this with them, our biggest priority here is making sure that your mind thinks this way, that your mind sees this in your kids and it's just naturally saying these amazing you are statements about them and holding these endearing perspectives of them, even in those really hard moments. Because that's how you find your endless well of patience and your endless well of energy that you want to have in motherhood, it's through those thoughts. So when you're around other people and on social media, around people or not just whoever you're choosing to connect with, your space, spouse, your friends, your social networks, whoever you're choosing to connect with, regardless if your kids are around you or not, only speak kindly about who they are and what they do in front of them and when they're not around, it is just as much for your mental wellness as it is for theirs. Because what you choose to focus on in your kids behavior and in their character, their feelings, their tendencies, their, their transformations that they're making, the season they're in, whatever it is, what you choose to focus on will determine how you feel. So if you already know, man, this season of motherhood's feeling really freaking hard. That is when it's even more important to follow these principles. Making sure you're using empowering and positive you are statements, keeping your words focused on what you do want them to do. Just because the circumstance seems really hard is not a good reason to throw all of our mental wellness out the window and to abandon ourselves right when we feel like we're in the middle of the frickin desert. Like no, let's, let's keep the nap, let's keep the nap. Let's understand where we're going and let's walk out of this freaking dry hole that we're in. Let's get out of here. Because we know the direction that we're going in. So hold on to these tools even when it feels hard. Especially when it feels hard. So the third way that we are going to speak life over our kids is speaking kindly about who they are and what they do, both in front of them and when they're not there. So just because they had a hard moment doesn't mean that's something that we need to talk about with our friends. And the way we choose to talk about those hard moments, maybe with a friend or your spouse for example, or a parent, someone trust in your life. The way we choose to talk about those hard moments, you can still talk about them. It's valid that it feels hard for you as a parent. You can still talk about them and there's a way to do it that emphasizes who you want to be for your child in that hard moment. So really the topic of discussion is not their behavior, it's not how they feel, it's not what they're going through, what they were diagnosed with, with whatever what they said to somebody else. It's not that, that's not the topic of the discussion. The topic of the discussion is who you want for them as they're going through this, what you want to be equipped to do, how you want to feel towards them during this time. Maybe what you want to start incorporating because they're going through something that feels so difficult, man. I just want more ideas of how I can be pouring into them. You know, this is, this is really hard for them to be going through. And I just want to. I just want them to be able to surrender and just soften and melt into me. I'm gonna take him to frozen yogurt. We're gonna have a park date together. You know, I'm gonna work it out with my husband and I'm gonna take him camping, just the two of us overnight, like I want. That needs to be the focus of the discussion. Not the way they screamed and yelled and hit their brother and it was so hard for you because they were screaming in the car or they threw something out the window or they got suspended from school or anything like that. That's not the topic of the discussion. While all those things can be very difficult for your child and you, when you go to talk about your child, you're going to protect their character and you're going to, if you share about their behavior, you're going to make the point in sharing about their behavior. As in, I'm seeking ideas of how I can be the best mom for them right now and only do that with people that have earned your trust. And just remember, I like to keep this in mind too. It's not fair to our kids that all of these people get to form opinions about them based on the limited amount of information that we've shared. That's not fair. And I, I just think it's a really awesome opportunity for us to just protect those hard moments and, and turn it into something that it's like, I want to be better for you. I don't need you to change for me. I just want to be better for you. And keeping that the focus. So that's. The third way is to make sure that everything that we're speaking about our kids and around our kids is out of kindness and we can keep the focus on who we want to be for them. That protects your mental wellness just as much as theirs. Lastly, the fourth way to speak life over your kids. Are you ready for this one? I love it so much. Is to pray for them. Pray for them. As I've grown, like my own journey in faith and my own understanding of who God is, who Jesus is, what they've done for me. And I've only been doing this, oh man, it's been about nine months now that I've made this like a really big focus for myself. And it's been so transformative for my mental wellness and motherhood and my, my confidence in motherhood and just understanding. Like I, I personally want to co parent with God. Like I want his hands in my kids lives and I want my kids to know who he is because I don't want them to think I'm the greatest thing ever. I want them to think God is the greatest thing ever and that they can rest on Him. And they're, and they're so mindful of who he is and what he does, and how much they're loved by him. And my kids and I, I, We've just talked so much about our faith and God and Jesus and read together, and we talk about it so much together. And I still have so much to learn. So I just think it's amazing how much being able to pray for my kids has released this pressure from me and even this fear of, like, what my world, what the world is going to do to my kids. It's. It just feels like that's not a fear of mine anymore. That's not a concern of mine anymore. And when you no longer have that fear of, like, oh my gosh, how are my kids going to handle this world? What is the world going to do to my kids? And gosh dang it, they have these, these friends saying this specific thing or these influences in their life. That, man, I don't know if that's like, the best for them or they're making these choices and I want them to be able to overcome it now and not see it grow into something bigger. All of that is so valid as a parent. And when you turn to prayer, you're able to really just lighten your load, release the burden, and clearly communicate what you're hoping for for yourself and for your kids. So, personally, like, these prayers for me sound a lot like I. Like I pray about being shown who I need to be as their mother. Like, I pray for my intuition to be dialed in and in tune with what they need. So that way, even when they don't know how to ask me for what they need, it's like I can just have that knowing. And I pray for that. I pray that when it comes to my boys, that he will become aware of his own thoughts, feelings and actions so they may be enriched and corrected to be of truth and kindness. So if I think about one of my boys, maybe things that he has been thinking and has been saying and how. How I've noticed he's been feeling, I can take that to prayer. Like, gosh, I just. I pray that his own thoughts and feelings and actions become so aware to him and he becomes so empowered over them that he's able to enrich them and, and connect them to be of truth and kindness. And when I say that prayer, I understand I don't control my kids and I can set a wonderful example and I can be here for them. And I've got more than that to offer. I can ask my heavenly Father to step in here too. Like, I, I can do that for us. When My boys are having a hard time with each other. I literally have been teaching them to pray for each other. Like, if one hits the other and they come to me and like, oh, my gosh, he hit me. All these things. I'm like, man, that probably hurt really bad that he hit you. It's like, yeah, it hurts so bad. Yeah. And he's probably feeling, oh, so angry. Do you think he hit you because he feels so angry? Yeah. I'm like, oh, man. So you're feeling really hurt and he feels really angry. I would love for us to say a prayer for him. Say a prayer that he feels. He feels released from that anger, and he feels like he's just ready to speak to you with kindness and truth, and he's ready to play kindly with you, and he's ready to realize that you want to play kindly with him. Like, let's say this whole prayer together. And I feel like I have so much room to grow in prayer. I talk about this with my friends. I'm like. I feel like I have to unlearn this, like, scripted way of how you're supposed to pray, because I just felt. I felt afraid to say it wrong. Like, I felt afraid to do it wrong with prayer, and it, like, really mentally messed things up for me along the way. So when. When I pray with my kids, when I pray by myself, it's still just it. Part of it feels like I'm stumbling. I'm fumbling through it a little bit. Like, I. I feel out of sorts a little bit doing this. And I love that it's not scripted. I love that I can just talk. Like, I'm learning how to talk to God, and that's something that I'm okay with doing, like, more openly, especially in front of my kids, because they're learning how to do it, too, and we can learn together. So I do invite my kids to pray for each other when they're having a hard time. And then I model that by praying for them when I see them in a hard time, too. And it's something that's just brought me so much relief. So, you know, I'm. I'm able to pray for my boys to have lifelong love and trust in one another. And when I notice behaviors or find myself in circumstances that feel so, so hard, I pray for them and release the weight of having it all figured out. As a mom, I don't need to have it all figured out. I don't need to be everything to everyone when I can pray to be who I need for Each person, like, that's what I'm gonna pray for. I'm just gonna pray that I can be the mom that my child needs, that today I can be shown what matters most to him. Like heavenly Father, can you please just help me see what matters most to him today? What can I do today? What's the one thing that would make the biggest difference in him and in our relationship if I just do the one thing? Show me that and I will do it. I am obedient and I can take it back to my. My I am statements and I act immediately on the inner promptings that I receive. And I can take it back to that. So those are, those are my biggest four ways. As I sat here thinking about how do we speak life over our kids, Those are the four ways that stood out to me the most. Let's recap really quick. Number one, use intentional you are statements with them and even in your mind, so out loud and in your mind. Number two, keep your words focused on what you do want them to do instead of what you don'. Our kids are visionaries. They see what you say. So that's point number two. Number three, speak kindly about who they are and what they do, both in front of them and when they're not around. When there is something difficult that you just feel like, I've got to talk about this with somebody, make sure the point and the topic of that conversation is not their behavior. It's not what your child did or didn't do. It's best being able to equip yourself to be the mother that your child needs and seeking ideas from others for you to be able to do so. That's very healthy. It protects their character and your mind to understand, look, this is what my child may be going through and it's not who they are. This is how they feel and it's not who they are. This is what they did and it's not who they are. This is who they are. Now who am I going to be for them? And taking on that place of empowerment. And that last, last point number four of how to speak life over your kids is being able to pray for them, being able to pray for them, release that weight of having it all figured out and constantly being asked to, to receive and to be led through motherhood so that you can be the mom that you want to be for them and the mom that they need you to be for them. And sometimes that is something we figure out the freaking day of. So those are our four ways to speak life over your kids. Remember, much of this is covered in the Mommy Mindset course. It's five modules long. It's designed for you to walk through in five weeks. Video modules, PDF material. The modules are motherly, so we're really working on Identity opportunity. All about mindset Being mindful is module three Magnify like what are we looking for? And yes is module number five. So using that yes language, if that is something you need help with your mindset motherhood, just go to momset.com to grab your course and I will walk you through how to have the strongest mindset in motherhood. No matter where you are or who you're with, no matter what's going on on the outside, we can dive deeper into what's going on the inside and equip you for it. I'm proud of you. Thanks for being here and I'll see you real soon. Oh my sweet friend, thank you for joining me on this week's episode of the momset podcast. Please take a minute to leave a review and share the show. If you loved it, I'd love to see Stay connected as we continue to learn and grow in motherhood right alongside each other.