11. I'm Pregnant and My Mindset During Pregnancy After Loss

Hello, my beautiful friend, and welcome to the Mind Body Alignment podcast. I'm your host, Tessa Romero, and also your coach. I'm here to help teach you all the skills, tools, and encouragement that you need to not only know who you are, but how to become exactly who you want to be. While going through a healing journey that allows you to build a mindset that finally supports you. I'm so glad that you're here. Let's get started. My sweet, sweet friends. I'm pregnant. I'm so excited to finally tell you. I announced it on Instagram and on my email list, and you know me recording podcasts, we get there. So I am pregnant. And I wanted to just share the details here, but also talk about how I'm helping myself with my mindset through this pregnancy, because this pregnancy is following a miscarriage that we had in October of 2020. And I know I'm not the only one experiencing that. And I truly hope that in what I share here, it just. It helps you, it serves you. And I hope you know that that's always my goal. And everything that I share with you on Instagram, on my email list, on my podcast, in my coaching program, like, it's always to serve you and to help you through the things that I've been through, too. Now, as I announce my pregnancy, I know that can hit some sore strings in the hearts of women all over the world, really. And I just want you to know that I'm praying for you. I truly am. And every ounce of me just wants to help you and serve you and everything that I share through my own experience. So just know that I completely support any decision that you need to make right now. If it's distancing yourself from my content right now, I support that, too. Like, unfollow me, that's. That's totally fine. Fine. There are several times that I've had to take a step back from different types of influences because my mind was just not ready to go there. And that's okay. So before I dive into anything, I support you right where you're at. You're doing the best you can, and so am I. And right now, I am going to be sharing my pregnancy in a very joyful way, but also letting you know, like, the lessons that I've learned from my miscarriage coming into this pregnancy. So there's. There's so much that we're going to talk about right now. So to start off, let's talk about this pregnancy. I am currently 14 weeks, and when you're listening to this. It will probably be the second week of February, so I'll be 15 weeks. But I'm due the end of July is when I think this baby will come. But my official due date is August 1st, but I'm really thinking it's going to be like, July 29th or something. I am planning for another home birth, so we can talk about that too on. On a later episode. Different ways. But yes, I would love to do another home birth. I'm doing my visits through my midwife, and I've felt super comfortable and supported in that area, too. So everything's been really great. Going through my first trimester, I don't experience sickness with any of my pregnancies, so I don't have that obstacle. But I did get some fatigue, which I feel like I've never heard of someone not feeling fatigued in their first trimester. So I did go through that, but I feel like I managed it really well. And any kind of nausea that I did feel, sometimes I felt nauseous. If I ate every, like, two hours, then it really helped me with that. And I'm just kind of like dumping everything out there that I've been through before. We talk about the miscarriage leading into this pregnancy, so that helped me a bunch. Was just staying consistent with my eating. And on top of that, because it felt like anytime I got hungry, that's the only time I felt nauseous. So that might help you, too. And one of my pregnancy symptoms that I get that I honestly don't know of a lot of women that get it, like, it's not talked about as often as, like, morning sickness and nausea, but I get varicose veins. And I know I'm not alone because I shared that on my Instagram yesterday, and I shared it when I was pregnant with Luke. And that's when people talk about it, is when I bring it up, but it's definitely not talked about as much. And there could be some, like, really big body image difficulties around that. And I totally get it because I'm going through it, too. So again, we could do a whole episode on varicose veins and body image, but I'm wearing compression stockings. I didn't learn about my varicose veins with Luke until I was about 27 weeks. So this time I feel super grateful knowing what's coming because once you've had them with one pregnancy, your chances of having them and possibly having them worse with your future pregnancies are very high. So I just started out with compression stockings to help my body, but still staying active, drinking lots of water, taking my vitamins. I take Usana vitamins. They're prenatals, fish oil, calcium, vitamin D, and coquinone, which is specific for cardiovascular health. So, yeah, just all the details about pregnancy stuff. But other than that, guys, I've been feeling so great, which I'm really grateful for, because, you know, I've got two toddlers and a business and the podcast and a husband, and all of the wonderful things that I really do love to show up for and pour into. So I feel super grateful that I have felt so good and that the precautions that I take in the way that I have just tried to support my body through this feels like it's really working. So that feels really good, too. Now let's talk about my miscarriage in October and how I've gotten so many questions, like, how do you battle the anxiety being pregnant after a miscarriage? And how do you fight the feelings of, like, loss and grief and all of this, going through this pregnancy, and how do you trust your body? Again, like, I've gotten so many of those questions, so I just kind of wanted to put it all in this episode. Because we control our thoughts. That's what you control. I don't control a miscarriage. Nope, don't control that. I don't control how. I mean, guys, I could have a miscarriage tomorrow, and I know that. And you know that, right? We know that. I don't control these things, and no amount of me thinking I control them would help me if it happened. Right. What helps me is understanding that I don't control the circumstances. I control my efforts, not the outcomes. I control how much I tried to support and help my body through this pregnancy, through my efforts, but I don't control the outcome. The outcome of when this baby comes and. And really the health and. And all of that. Like, there's so much outside of my control. And honestly, I find a lot of peace there, which I know sounds backwards, but I. I've worked really hard to condition my mind in that way, and it feels so right for me. And everything that I'm sharing here is what has helped me. So if it's not helping you, that's okay, because you're your own person with your own experiences and your own thoughts. But I want to be able to help you through my experiences and my thoughts. But anyway, through all those questions that I've gotten, I just wanted to create this episode about it. So when we had the miscarriage in October, I was four weeks, and we had told our family on a Sunday that I was pregnant because we were just so excited. So we were like, oh, my gosh, we've never had a miscarriage. Like, nothing to worry about. Let's just tell everybody because we're so pumped we're finally pregnant. We tried for several months and we're finally pregnant. And we were just overjoyed. So we told everybody on Sunday. And then it was Monday at like 4 in the morning that I started bleeding. And I knew I was having a miscarriage. And I was truly devastated. Rightfully so. Like. But it's interesting because as much as I focus on mindset, my first thoughts experiencing the miscarriage were, I'm never going to have another baby. I can't trust my body. This is so unfair. What did I do wrong? And, like, just really understanding that. I mean, it wasn't even understanding. It was just like this negative story that I was creating in my mind because I wasn't. It was just such a vulnerable moment. And anytime we're in a vulnerable moment, you're seeing your pregnancy test, you're experiencing miscarriage, you're in a fight with your husband, your kids said something to you. Like, just any type of vulnerable moment negativity is so easy to creep in, right? Because the defenses are down. Like, you're not staying as mindful as conscious. So it's a vulnerable. Like, you're open. And I. I noticed. I'm grateful that I work so hard on mindset because I caught the thoughts and I allowed myself to feel sad, right? And I. And I was allowed to feel devastated, but I was not going to create my own suffering through my thoughts of, I'm never going to get pregnant again. That's not a fact. That's not true. I don't have to entertain that thought because it's not true. So I can feel sad about the loss of this pregnancy and trust that my body knows something that I don't know, and trusting what it's doing because it's outside of my control. And that helped me tremendously through the healing of my miscarriage and in working through that. Yes, I felt sad. Yes, I felt devastated. But again, like, I didn't create my suffering by believing things that were just untrue. Of not getting pregnant again, not not being able to experience any of these things ever again, and not being able to trust my body. Those are just not true. There may be fears, sure, but they're not facts. So that really helped me when I experienced the miscarriage. And then there were several weeks of healing Involved. But when I found out that I was pregnant, Marcus actually got to tell me that I was pregnant. So I want to tell you guys this story here, too, because it fits. It fits right in with this pregnancy. So I was convinced that. I mean, I hadn't got my period back. It had been, goodness, like, six weeks since my miscarriage or seven weeks since the miscarriage had been some time, and I still hadn't had a period. And I was just convinced. I'm like, something is not right. Like, I've got to get my hormones tested. I've got. But they wouldn't test my hormones until I had my next cycle. So I just felt stuck. Stuck. And that feeling sucked. And again, I didn't have, like, the best mindset going through that. Like, negative thoughts of I don't know what's going on with my body. I need to control my body. I need to do something. I need, like. Like, just this. This need for control, but I don't control it. And working through that. But anyway, Marcus, I kept telling him, like, I've got to figure something out. Like, I've got. I've got to find an answer. There has to be a reason why. I was just so hooked on that. There's got to be a reason why. And as much as I saw my doctor, my naturopath, and everybody, they're just like, we have to wait. Like, you. You have to wait for your next cycle. You have to wait to see if you get pregnant again. Like, we just need some time to find answers. And I'm like, all right. So finally, it had been six or seven weeks, and Marcus is like. And I'm just, like, sitting in it all. And Marcus is like, would you just take a pregnancy test? And he had asked me to take pregnancy tests for probably, like, four days or a week. And I was like, no, I'm not gonna take a pregnancy test, because I don't need a freaking test to tell me that I'm not pregnant. And see those words. It just feels really defeating to look at it. I don't need that right now. Like, I don't need a test to tell me what I already know was, like, literally my mindset, which. Hindsight. Come on, Tessa. Like, you were just like. I was seriously sitting in my own negativity. And I knew it. I knew it at the. I really did know it at the time, but I. I didn't want to stop. I knew it. I just knew I didn't want to stop. Like, I wanted to walk that road of finding answers and not giving up until I knew exactly why all the things outside of my control. And I was just honestly being stubborn about it, really. And honestly creating my own suffering, Right? So after my husband asked me again, he wasn't, like, pushing, pushing, but he had asked me once, and then a few days later, I had brought it up again. He's like, I really think you should just take a pregnancy test. And in my mind, the reason why I thought it was so silly to take a pregnancy test wasn't because. I mean, yeah, it was because I truly didn't think I was pregnant, but also because I always knew I was pregnant before a test could tell me I was pregnant with both my boys, I. And even my miscarriage, I knew I was pregnant before a test said positive. I always got at least two or three negative tests before a positive one came, because I just knew. And with this one, I didn't have that feeling at all. At all. Not one little ounce of me. So it just felt so silly and honestly defeating to take a test knowing full well it was going to say not pregnant. And then I would read those words of not pregnant. And I'm like, I just don't want to do it. But I finally just came to the conclusion. I'm like, you know, it's not a bad thing to rule it out, so I'll just rule it out. So I go get a test, and I pee on the stick, and I put the stick on the bathroom floor, and I leave the bathroom, which I have never done with any of my pregnancies. No chance. I, like, stare at that thing until it gives me an answer, and it says two minutes. And I swear it's like eight minutes. But anyway, I walk away from it, and Marcus is like, where are you going? And I'm like. And I was just sitting on my bedroom bed with my youngest, Luke, playing with him. And I was like, I already know it's not pregnant. Like, I don't need it to tell me I already know. And he was like, well. And Marcus was excited. He was, like, jittery. He was like, so. God, like, just the hope beaming off of that man was. It was honestly, like, it was hard for me to look at because I just. Oh, my gosh, I feel so emotional saying this. I just felt like I didn't want to see him feel hurt if it said not pregnant. Like, I felt hurt going through everything. And I know he felt hurt. Gosh, I know he felt hurt, too. When we had the miscarriage. Like, that was a loss for both of us. And I totally respect that with men, too. And I think, like, part of me being so resistant to the pregnancy test was a protection of him, too, because he is, like, my beautiful person that is so hopeful and faithful and positive. I mean, he has a really negative sense of humor is how I tease him. But anyway, I'm just kind of, like, dumping it all on you guys right now. And anyway, I. I didn't. Like, I didn't care if he looked at the test before me, like, 100, because I just knew it was not pregnant. I'm, like, watching him feel so hopeful and, like, jittery and excited, and I'm just like, gosh, he's about to come crashing down. And that sucks to see the person you love feel defeated just like you do. And if this doesn't prove to you guys that I'm a huge believer in feeling all of your feelings, then I don't know what else to do to show you that. But seriously, feel your feelings like they're valid, and everything that I feel right now is valid. And anyway, he was like, you really don't care if I look at the test before you? And I was like, no, I really don't. He's like, stop lying. You care. You don't want me to look at it before you. You want to look first. And I was like, mark, I've looked at every single pregnancy test before you. Every single one. You can have this one. Go ahead. And anyway, a few minutes passes, and he comes and sits on the bed. And I was like, so, what's it say? And he said, not pregnant, but we'll be okay. And he gave me a kiss, and I just felt really numb in that moment. Like, it was almost like a told you so, but, like, I wouldn't let myself feel. And it's so crazy how, like, our mind and body does that. Like, it's healthy for us to feel right, but, like, we, like, block it out. And I was going through that phase, and he was like. It said, not pregnant. And he gave me a kiss and said, that will be okay. And I was like, I know. And he had to go to work, and I was with Luke on our bed, just playing with him. And I was like, okay, that's fine. So he leaves the house. And after a couple minutes of, like, still playing with Luke, I was gonna make Christmas ornaments with the boys that day. So I asked Luke. I'm like, do you want to go make Christmas ornaments? Let's go to the kitchen. We'll go make some Christmas ornaments. So I Just walk straight to the kitchen. And then I see Marcus standing in our laundry room, which is just the doorway to the left going from our bedroom to the kitchen. So I'm just like, what the heck are you doing here? And he's like, what? And I was like, I thought you left for work. He's like, oh, I just wanted to. He literally said, I just wanted to see if you're talking crap about me. I was like, why would I talk crap about you? Like, that's so silly. And I'm seriously. I'm not catching on to anything at this point. Like, totally confused why the frick this guy is still here. He's supposed to be going to work. And he. I was like, what? And at this time, my wedding ring had been missing for two weeks. And not missing. Misplaced, Misplaced. Guys, I didn't lose it. I misplaced it. We had been looking for it. So he walks me back to our bathroom again. Not one ounce of me is thinking about this freaking test. I don't want to look at it. Like, that's where my mind is at with the test. So I thought he was walking us back. Walking me back to the bathroom to see my wedding ring. I was like, oh, my God, he must have found my wedding ring. And he's surprising me. So I was like, this is so sweet and totally caught off guard, which is really hard to catch me off guard, if I'm being honest. I am not easily caught off guard. And we get back to our bathroom and walks me to the counter, and the pregnancy test is on the counter. And I look down at it, and it said pregnant. And I just started freaking bawling. Like, Marcus recorded the whole thing, which is, again, why I was like, he must be surprised me with my wedding ring if he wants to see my reaction to the ring. Like, okay, you're recording me. Didn't think anything of it. So he has this whole thing on camera, and I wanted to share it with you guys, too, at some point, but I just started bawling, and, like, my emotions were stuck in my throat. And I turned to him, and I was like, you are such a liar. And I'm just, like, crying, crying, crying. Feeling so many feelings, like, complete shock and disbelief. It probably took me, like, four solid days to wrap my mind around the fact that, like, I am pregnant. And I took another pregnancy test and it was pregnant. I was like, I cannot believe that my body did that. And I didn't even know. I think that's what shocked me so much, is just my body proved to me you can trust me. And you don't have to know what I'm doing. You don't have to know why I'm doing it. You can just surrender and trust me and care for me, and I'll do the rest. And it's like this big lesson that I didn't even know I needed. Like, seriously. And I. And I talk about that, I mean, with my clients and on social media and experiences that we go through that we didn't want. You would never choose that for yourself or really anyone else. But they've given those experiences that you didn't want, have given you lessons that you didn't even know you needed, and have served you over and over and over throughout your entire life. And if I asked you right now, like, what are some of the worst experiences you've been through and what kind of lessons have they given you? What did they. What did they give you that you needed? And I've heard this from women that have spouses that are deployed, have lost children, have had miscarriages, have experienced divorce, have, oh my gosh, been molested and grown up with pedophiles. And I mean, like, everything that you can imagine. It is honestly so incredible and empowering to see the type of lessons that women learn through their experiences that they did not want, but they. They overcame and took their lesson. And I just, I just think that is amazing. So anyway, that was one of my lessons, was I don't have to control my body. I don't have to know all the reasons why it's doing what it's doing. I can just like, focus on controlling my efforts, and I don't have to control the outcome. So moving into this pregnancy, finding out, you know I'm pregnant after a loss, I've gotten so many questions about, like, what are you doing? What are you doing with your anxious thoughts? And aren't you afraid of losing this baby and all these things? And, like, I get it, guys. Like, all the questions are valid, all the thoughts and the feelings are valid. I just refuse, like I said, to create my own suffering. What? My miscarriage. A huge lesson that my miscarriage gave me that I did not know I needed was I was taking my pregnancies for granted, and I didn't even know I was doing that. Right. My first and second. I mean, I. I got pregnant so easily. My pregnancies were easy. It was basically just like, I say, I'm going to be pregnant, and then I'm pregnant. And then I thought that was the. It goes and then with my. Even with the baby that had a miscarriage several months, like five, five, six, seven months. It was. It was at least six months and of, like, trying. And I was just like, what the brick man? Like, I said, I want to be pregnant. I said, this is what month? I want to have a baby. We're supposed to be pregnant. What's happening? And it was like this lesson. Like, I needed that lesson. I didn't want the experience, but I needed that lesson. Am losing that pregnancy another huge lesson where I don't control the outcomes. I'm not responsible for that. I'm responsible for my efforts. And understanding that, to me, is, like, it's been so healing for me. Like, efforts over outcomes, efforts over outcomes, efforts over outcomes. So as I've been going through this pregnancy, I honestly have zero fears of losing this pregnancy, which I know sounds so bizarre, and maybe you're not there too, and that's okay, but. But I want you to see how powerful your mind is when you create this mindset about, I don't control the outcome. I'm not going to fear the outcome, because I trust myself to control my efforts and do the best I can and then accept the outcome, whatever it looks like. Like I said, I could have. I could have a miscarriage tomorrow. I know that. I know that. But it's not in my control. And since I learned that I was taking my pregnancies for granted, I just feel like I want to enjoy this. Like, I want to help. I want to let myself experience that joy and take the pictures and feel the outline of my whole uterus and look forward to those kicks when they come. Like, all of it. I want all of it, because I don't know if I'm gonna get it again. I don't know. I mean, people are like, do you want more kids? And I'm like, yeah, I do. But I'm also meant I'm honestly mentally preparing myself that this is my last pregnancy. And not because I don't want more kids, not because my efforts aren't going to be trying for more kids, but because my miscarriage taught me I don't control it. I don't control it. And I just didn't even realize I needed that lesson and how much it has really served me in this pregnancy to just embrace it and enjoy it and let myself experience this without planning the future and how many more we're gonna have and all these things. Like, just be right here in this moment. Be present with this, love this. And that's been like, the most beautiful thing for me because again, with my first two, I didn't even know. I took it for granted. It was. It was honestly like I. I was thinking about, like, how, like, planning a family and how many kids we're gonna have. And I was doing it as if it's just, like, a privilege that I have. And it's. Privilege isn't even the word that I'm looking for right now, but I'm just enjoying my pregnancy brain, taking a few words that I would like to use, but really just thinking, like, entitlement. That's the word I want is. Entitlement is planning out my life as if I'm entitled to as many kids as I want through, like, a pregnancy. And that forgets a huge factor, the fact that I don't control if and when I get pregnant or if and when I have a miscarriage. Like, I don't control all those things. So I would love to have more, but I'm not going to approach it with this mindset of entitlement to another one. I'm just going to approach it with acceptance. And I would. I would love to have another one, but I'm also okay with my body deciding if that's going to happen or not. And again, this is just what's helped me so much. And like, lessons that have come to me from the miscarriage that I didn't realize I was taking it for granted. I didn't realize that I just basically had this entitled attitude about it all. And what I really want to just nurture moving forward is, like, complete acceptance towards my life and the outcomes, because I know my efforts are tremendous. I know I'm doing the best I can, and I'm controlling what I can through what I think and what I do and what I say. And I don't have to stress about controlling everything else, because no matter how much I stress about it, I don't control it. So those are things that have just helped me a lot and lessons that have come to me that I'm so grateful for. Really. I mean, again, I would never. I would never want a miscarriage. I would never ask for one. I would never tell someone, I hope you have one. Like, never, ever, ever. But because that part isn't in my control, I am just. I'm really grateful for the lessons that I've gotten from them. And I would encourage you to look at your life through a perspective of maybe just get out a piece of paper. This could be a really good journaling exercise for you. And just Write down, like, an experience that you didn't want to happen. And it could be anything, any experience that you didn't want to happen. And you write that down. And then right below it, I just want you to write the word lesson. So right above that, you're writing experience. Write out the experience. Right below that, write the word lesson and let your mind explore for once instead of how difficult this was and how unfair this was and how awful this was and how, you know, like. Like, basically that nurturing, that victim mentality is really what it's doing, because it's only looking for the bad. And what we focus on, we will find. So writing the word lesson, you're gonna write something that you learned. You're gonna write down the wisdom that you've been given through the hardship that you've been through. And I just think that's such a beautiful gift that comes with our hardship. Is wisdom something that no one else can really teach you? You can't go to school for it. Right? Like, you have to go through that hardship to learn that type of wisdom. And I just think that is such a gift. It's such a gift that comes through the rain and the hardship, you know? So play with that journaling exercise. Write down experience. Write down your lessons and see what comes, and see if it helps you feel even just a little bit better and a little bit of a shift in your perspective and a little bit more empowered in who you are and what you've been through and how strong you really are and the gratitude that's just naturally inside of you for what you've been through and how you've overcome. Like, sit in that. Let yourself sit in it for a little bit. But, yeah, there's just so much beauty that has come to my life from the experiences that I've had. That, again, I would never say I wanted. But I don't control that part. I just control what I do with it. Right? Life gives you the cards, and you decide how to play them. And the more we lean into that of, like, I don't choose my cards. I choose how to play them. And I'm gonna get really good at playing these cards. Nothing's gonna stop me from my strategy playing these cards, you know? And, I mean, varicose veins during pregnancy, I don't freaking control that. And I used to be really pissed about it and really angry at my body and all the unfairness and, like, why doesn't my sister have these? Like, this is so dumb. I do everything right. Blah, blah, blah. And, like, Seriously, that was my thought about it, and. And now I'm just like, if veins are bulging out of my body, isn't that a safe assumption? That my body is literally trying so freaking hard to pump blood from one place to another? Like, isn't that all the evidence that I need that my body is trying really hard? Like, it's so. It's so silly how one perspective seems like the only way to see it, and then you shift it and you're like, wow, that perspective was really silly that I. That I thought about my body that way. So I have an affirmation for my varicose veins. I tell myself I don't know why these veins are here, but I trust that they serve a purpose and my body is doing the best it can. I know these veins serve a purpose. I know my body's doing the best it can, and I don't know why they're here. So none of it's a lie. All of it helps me feel better and really just trusting. Like, I accept what happens because I don't control it. And I will put all of my energy into my efforts because those are powerful things for me to focus on. But it also just relieves you of, like, the stress and the anxiety of focusing on all the outcomes. Just focus on your efforts and trust that you're doing the best you can, and it will serve your mindset a hundred times over. So I just wanted to dedicate an episode to telling you the story of this pregnancy and the miscarriage and how I'm helping myself mentally through really embracing and enjoying this pregnancy, even though I just recently had a miscarriage in October. So I hope it serves you. I hope that there's some golden nugget in here that helps you and like I said, do the journaling exercise, write out an experience that you didn't want and write out a lesson that you needed and see how your perspective changes. It's such a beautiful thing. But thanks for joining me here. I can't wait to share more. You're welcome to reach out to me and request different topics that we can talk about on the podcast. When it comes to pregnancy or home birth or varicose veins and body image and affirmations and positivity through the symptoms. Like, I'm here to help you guys. So reach out. I'm super proud of you. Thank you for being here, and I will talk to you soon. Thank you so much for being here for this week's episode. If this episode serves you, please feel free to subscribe to the podcast and share it. I love spreading the message of positivity and healing and how they work together. My goal is to continue serving you and I can't wait to form more meaningful relationships together here on the podcast and elsewhere such as Instagram and my email list. We'll talk more soon.