110. Right Behavior, Wrong Attitude. Improve Your Seamless Service

Welcome to the momset podcast, my friend. I'm your coach, Tessa Romero, and as a woman of God, an adoring wife, and a mother of three darling boys, I am passionate about giving you the tools you need to build a mindset skill set that enriches your experience through motherhood and daily life. I've had my fair share of challenges and hardship throughout my life, and that is exactly how I came to this place of finding purpose to my pain and helping you do the same. I know we can thrive right where we are at, and it's time for us to take back motherhood and by being the mommy that we want to be right now. Thank you for being here and making this a wonderful place for me to show up alongside you. You know, friend, it just seems like a pretty sad time that our hearts have become so hard that we truly fear doing too much for others, giving too much, doing too much for them. And that would make seamless service an incredibly difficult behavior and attitude to have in your home. And I want to be able to help you through that because. Because it does require a softened heart and an open mind in order to do these things. And now more than ever, it's so important that you are able to make yourself do that. And I'm going to use this episode to explain to you why it's so important and how you can be doing this really well. I've talked about seamless service before on social media, my Instagram, tessaromero and here on the podcast. And it's something that I truly live by. I see it as a principle to life live by. And it brings out great character and it softens me and it helps me keep a focus on what I can be doing that aligns with who it is that I want to be. So recently I shared on my Instagram story about how one night my son got out of the bath and I let him know, go get dressed like I do every night. And he did. He went to his room, he got dressed, and he left his drawer open in his bedroom. And. And this is something that I have repeatedly asked him to do. Close your drawer after you get dressed. Close your drawer after you get dressed. After you get dressed. Close your drawer. And I have just repeated it, I mean, a countless amount of times. I really do want my kids to close their drawers. So after I got my other two boys helped and I went into his room and I go into his room and I see the drawers open, I initially felt really frustrated. And because the first thoughts that flooded in were of Course the freaking drawers open again. How hard is it to close the drawer? I'm getting him back in here right now and I'm gonna make him close his freaking drawer. Like, I'm done. And I felt so frustrated. Mind you, I'm also at this point, 36 weeks pregnant. It's the end of the day, I'm feeling very, very tired and stretched on all capacities and ready for a peaceful night to just kind of renew and restore myself. So I understand that in the circumstances themselves, there's a lot of factors involved and these negative thoughts were not helping. And I want you to be able to recognize when your thoughts are not helping you, especially when there's factors inside of your circumstance that are bigger than you, beyond your control, and already seemingly difficult. Why make it freaking worse? So anyway, I have these, these intense negative thoughts and I end it with that one of, yeah, that's right, I'm going to get him back in here right now and he's going to close this freaking drawer because I tell him every single freaking night to close this dang drawer. So I leave his room feeling all frustrated and he's sitting at my kitchen counter eating blueberries. And I go up to him and for some reason, something in me just wanted to try something different. Instead of complaining and nagging and hounding him down and finding the person responsible for the open drawer, I wanted to just try something different. I knew that's not what I really wanted to do. So when I got up to him, the only thing that really came to mind was to say, I love you so much. And his little face just lit up eating these blueberries. And he's like chomping on a munching. He stares back at me and says, I love you 600 million more than that. And I was like, wow, that's a lot. And just in that moment, being able to allow myself to be soft, allow myself to be slow, allow time to be on my side instead of thinking, okay, bath, bed, we need to get things cleaned up and then we need to do bedtime. There's this, this, this. Just be here in this moment right now. Tell the boy how much you love him and see what happens next. And after I did that, I just felt like flooded with these new perspectives. And the first one that came to mind was he's going to spend the rest of his life closing drawers. My sweet 6 year old has a lifetime of closing drawers ahead of him. And you know, maybe, maybe tonight's not the night that he closed a drawer and it's still going to happen. I feel so confident in his life that he's going to close drawers. Maybe tomorrow, just it's gonna happen. So that. That just felt really comforting. Like, how big of a deal am I making this right now? Where am I putting the value? Where am I putting my attention and focus? Is the drawer that big of a deal? No, it's not. And then another perspective came to me, where tonight is my opportunity to just serve seamlessly, to see something that needs to be done and do it. Not because I'm the one that left it open, because I'm the one that noticed that it's open. And that's exactly the behavior that I want to be able to model for my kids. I want them. I would love for them to come into my room and see something out of place, a drawer open. Maybe one of my little ones pulled something off my desk. Just something out of place. And just decide, I'm gonna pick that up for my mom. Like, I'm gonna do that for her. Did I knock it down? Did I leave it open? Did I leave it out? Nope. Did I make that mess? No. And I know the right thing to do right now is to clean it up. Not because I'm the one that did it, because I'm the one that noticed. And I really want them to have that firm principle instilled in them in life, in their future relationships, in. In their. The things they pursue for work and spiritually and in their community and just all ways I want them to believe that you're never gonna serve too much. You're never gonna give too much. When in doubt, give. When in doubt, serve. I would love to instill that in them. And I better be the one to freaking model it, because I don't know where else the heck they're gonna learn that I. I've gotta be the one to do that. So I thought tonight really is my chance to serve seamlessly, to model that behavior and not Dr. It. Hey, I closed your drawer for you. No, just do it. Just. Just close the drawer because it's the right thing to do. And you're serving seamlessly. You're seeing a need and you're filling it not for recognition or validation or appreciation, just because it aligns with who you want to be in the vision that you have of what it is that you're teaching. And then another perspective came to mind to me, and that was how tomorrow. So I'm thinking about my son tonight and where he's at. He's going to spend the rest of his life, clothes and drawers, bless him. And tonight, I have this opportunity to serve seamlessly, and I'm going to take it because it aligns with who I want to be. And then tomorrow, if I really look at what happened, I could be giving much better direction after the bath, instead of just saying, go get dressed. If the drawer is left open, maybe that's my sign. That's my cue, the that I could be a more effective and proactive communicator. And I would love to consider that as someone that is who I am and a strength that I have. So my plan the next night was to just recognize, okay, instead of just go get dressed now, I'm going to turn it into, go get dressed, close your drawer, and bring me back your towel. Because that's what I really want done. And if that's what I'm expecting, well, I can be willing to communicate that. So all three of those perspectives combined, I felt so good. All that frustration passed just as quickly as it came when I walked into his room. And I think that's one of the coolest things about perspective and seeking out a new point of view, a new thought pattern, and even spiral to get yourself going down or up is it produces so many other feelings, and it helps you to remember and recognize that all feelings are valid. If you have an emotion, you're meant to be feeling it, and that doesn't mean it's meant to just be there forever. You're not supposed to feel frustrated all day long or have that frustration from last night carry into the next day. Or goodness, the fears of 10 years ago still showing up in your life today. If we're really thinking that that's healthy emotional wellness, to me, that's insane, that's stuck, that's unhealthy, and we don't need that. We don't want that. So you have to allow yourself to access new perspectives so you can start moving these emotions around. If an emotion can come as quickly as me walking in the room and seeing the drawer open, well, then, gosh dang it, it can pass that quickly, too. How about that? I think that's emotional health. So. So anyway, I do that. I close the drawer and I'm feeling really good. And then I shared on my Instagram of these three perspectives that I took away, the experience that I had and how I just. I want that more than anything. I want to be able to model this behavior of seamless service, and rightfully so. There were some really good questions that came up with that, because there's so much fear and concern around this idea of doing too much for our kids. And the more we do for them, the more that falls on us. And, you know, we really don't want to raise our boys to just expect that women and their future wife is going to do all of this. And we don't want our kids to lack the understanding of how much goes in to caring for a home and caring for a family and all that we do. Just awesome, awesome questions, awesome concerns. And I wanted to take it to the podcast to be able to share my perspective, but more deeply and wholly, because, you know, Instagram, bless it, it's just one platform, so let's use multiple. Okay, so let's think about this one in terms of seamless service I mentioned here. Modeling behavior, right? You gotta model the behavior that we want our kids to see. Because if I want my kids to see something out of place and pick it up just because they noticed it's out of place, I. I better be willing to model that behavior. That just needs to be a family standard, that needs to be ingrained in them of that's the normal thing to do. That's just what we do. And on top of that, that we need to talk about more is our attitude. Because you can tell me, Tessa, I model it. I freaking do the dishes every single day. We are in this routine. I'm modeling all the things. I'm doing the laundry, I'm taking care of the dogs. They know. This is when we cook dinner, we make snacks, we unload the groceries. I'm modeling all of it, okay? And I believe you and our kids more than anybody else are in tune with emotions. And that's what an attitude is. An attitude is the composure of thoughts and feelings. So how your attitude is in regards to your modeled behavior is also going to decide, do I want that, too? Why? Why would I expect my kids to want to close their drawer? If I'm rolling my eyes and complaining and nagging and griping and the woe is me, everything falls on me. No one else understands. I have it harder than everybody else. I'm going to go hound down the person that left this drawer open if I make it. This attitude, these thoughts and feelings around a simple task of closing a drawer. Why would I expect my kids to have a cheerful heart for a task that they can do? I want my kids personally to feel like I am so glad that that's. That's in my wheelhouse. I know how to do that. I know how to do that. So I'm Going to do it because it feels good to do the things and contribute in these ways. And right now, sometimes it feels like there's not a whole lot that I know how to do because I'm little. So I want to eagerly do the things that I'm capable of doing. My two year old, I mean, he'll be too soon. My two year old loves to help clean up, loves to help put the dishes away. He takes initiative to do all these things and I can only imagine, yes, it's modeled behavior, it's modeled attitude. And it's this idea in him of, wow, I can do it, I can do it just like them. This is so exciting. And I just want to protect that and nurture that. So you, you need to look beyond just modeling the behavior and really evaluate. Am I modeling the attitude? Do I have the thoughts and feelings about this task that I want my kids to have? Yes or no? If you don't have the thoughts and feelings about doing the task, closing the drawer, cleaning up after dinner, helping your spouse, helping one of the other kids, why would they have the thoughts and thoughts and feelings about it? Composing an attitude that you want them to have if they haven't seen you do it, They've only heard how much you don't want to and they've felt how frustrated you become when you do these things. Your attitude matters tremendously. It's not just modeling behavior of completing tasks and call it seamless service. I really believe seamless service is. It's the combination of attitude and behavior. It's a heart that wants to serve, not for recognition or validation or appreciation. Because that service aligns with who it is that you want to be and it comes into the vision of your life and you're just as excited as a 2 year old that's like, yes, this is something I can do. This is something I'm good at. I want to do this for them. I want to serve my family well. And it's not about someone else doing it too. And that was another thing that again, a really great question, excellent concern coming up. Is this idea of, okay, well, if I do everything for my kids just to serve seamlessly, so see something out of place and pick it up. For example, if I do everything for them, when do they learn the responsibility to do it themselves? Well, if we model the behavior and the attitude of doing it, why wouldn't they want to do it? What's the resistance that would stop them from wanting to do those things? And it's not about doing everything for somebody Else, it's about the kindness that we lead with that. You're just this warm light that brings warmth and light to every task that needs to be done. So it draws attraction to it, like everybody else wants to do it, too. Who the frick wouldn't want to pull weeds with you? Who wouldn't want to do the dishes with you? Look at you. You just beam. You glow. I love the things you say. I love being around you. I love doing these things. Gosh, it must be the weeds, it must be the dishes. That creates an attitude, a mentality and energy like that. So I want to do that too. People want to feel good. Friends, you want to feel good. Your kids want to feel good. Your spouse wants to feel good. So this fear of doing too much for our kids, I. It's. It's interesting to me. It's interesting to me that we would think that we would serve them too much. And I see the perspective of. I can see how it would be very damaging for them to strip away opportunities for them to learn how to do it themselves and to invite them in to include them, to give them responsibility and independence to do these things. That would be extremely damaging for them. And that's not at all what seamless service is. Seamless service is not convenience. I'm gonna do it because you make a mess when you do it. I'm just gonna get this done because I don't want to deal with it. No. That goes right back to this hardened heart and this closed mind that we've got to rush through everything and get it done as fast and as efficient as possible. That's not seamless service. That's not what that is. That goes right back to victim mentalities and negativity. And that's not what that is. When I'm talking about seamless service and doing more for others than they do for you, it's about modeling behavior and attitudes that you want your kids to have. And I like to think that when my boys grow up and they get married and they have a wife that works really hard, and let's say she's something like me, and I'm just. I'm just going to picture myself as someone that they decide to marry, right? And I know the things that I do on a daily basis, the cooking, the cleaning, the child care, running errands daily, taking care of the yard, the garden. I also work. I'm pregnant with my fourth. I'm trying really freaking hard to be a great wife. And goodness, my. My dog has splinters all in his foot better get him to the vet. Like, there's. There's an ongoing of all of these things, and I understand that. And I really believe that the best way to equip my boys to be the men that. That a wife like that would need is for them to see a need and fill it. For them to serve others more than someone serves them. For them to have an eagerness and attitude and behaviors that enjoy doing things that need to be done, not because they're the ones that put it out of place. And to me, the victim mentality that says, of course I have to do this because no one else will. Well, gosh, that's way more destructive for a man. An upcoming marriage in the future and having that mentality in it then my boys giving too much and caring too much and doing too much. Our attitude is extremely impactful, and we need to be able to be responsible and accountable to it, because that's the tone that we're setting for our kids. And if I want my boys to go into that marriage and say, gosh, my. My wife does do a lot, and you know what? My kids are not going to freaking understand it. Just like you didn't understand how much your mom did until you became a mom. Like, and my kids may never understand what it's like to be a mom, because they're not moms and they're never going to be moms. And that's okay because they can still be really freaking great men that support really great moms and pick her up when she's feeling down and see the ways that they can help her and notice that her water bottle's empty and decide, I'm going to fill that up for her, see a need and fill it. Like, that is so important. And I want that for them and I want that for their future families. So in me, modeling attitudes and behaviors like that, what can I do for you today? To me, that's the best way to teach my kids to go into their future relationships thinking, what can I do for you today? With the right attitude? Not just the behaviors, because what good is the behaviors? When you feel like you owe someone something because they helped you, then you don't even want to ask them for help because you're like, gosh dang it, yes, I need help, and I don't even feel like I have the bandwidth and capacity to be able to pay you back to return the favor. Well, I. What if there wasn't the strings attached? What if we raised our kids to see a need and fill it because it's the right thing to do with no strings attached. You just do it because it's who you are, and you do it because you see someone else and you understand they're just as valuable as you and you. You want to serve them, and that's seamless service. So if you have this fear around doing too much for your kids, I would honestly question what's the mentality that you have, that attitude that you're modeling when you do those things for your kids? And are you doing those things for your kids out of convenience for you or out of teaching and bringing them in and modeling what it's like to have that soft heart and open mind that serves seamlessly, fills a need, sees a need and fills it and gives to others more than what's given to them. Our kids want to help, they want to be involved, they want to learn. And the attitude that we model is going to make an insane difference in that. So what I encouraging you to do is get the picture in your head of how you want your kids to respond when you ask for help or give direction of what needs to be done. What do you want your kids to do when they walk by an open drawer? And not just what do you want them to do? What do you want them to think about that open drawer? How do you want them to feel about that open drawer and get crystal clear? Are you currently modeling the type of attitude, thoughts and feelings that it would require for the behaviors like that to just model, to be able to pick up on what you want to see? And once you get that picture in your head of what you want it to look like, I want you to get even bigger and better than that. Get every single limitation out of there. I want my boys to love laundry and filling up their brother's cup of water when it's empty. Not because I asked them to, just because they think, man, this is like, this is a really cool thing that I can do. And yeah, it is really nice to be able to do these things because my mom just seems like so, so calm when she does laundry. I'd like to feel calm. I'm going to try doing laundry. What child or what spouse is walking around saying, oh, man, you know what I'd really love to feel right now annoyed. I better I should do some laundry because I want to feel annoyed. Because that's the attitude that's been modeled to them around laundry probably their whole freaking life. We've got to be willing to do something different. When you're cooking dinner, does that seem like an interactive, engaging, exciting time in your home that you're just in it and you are just thriving and beaming and joyful to be there? Or is it a huge rush? Well, who the frick wants to cook dinner? If it feels like, well, that's the time that I really have to rush through things and think about everything else that's coming next and get really stressed and snappy with other people. You know what? I would rather just go play. What if we made cooking dinner, doing laundry, cleaning up, serving each other, more like play, more like the desire of what it is that everyone's going after and stop doing that to ourselves too. So I want them, I want my boys to eagerly seek opportunities to bring a meal to a neighbor and participate in community functions. So just because I bring a meal to a neighbor, if I have a bad attitude about it, why would my kids want to do it? If I have a bad attitude about going to the community functions or volunteering, why would my kids see that as just like an incredible thing to be a part of and in alignment with who they want to be as people? Why would they do those things naturally? If I modeled doing it with a bitter attitude? So attitude is composed of those thoughts and feelings and behavior is composed of actions. You might be modeling the behavior of caring for your family. And, and we have to ask ourselves, what about the attitude that you're modeling? Because you are modeling an attitude as well. So does the attitude invite people in or does the attitude kind of teach, like, trust me, you don't want this, you don't want to feel this way, you don't want to think this way, so you better avoid doing this thing. That's how people learn. So I want you guys to just ask yourself, you know, who are you? Not what other people are doing. Don't ask yourself, do my kids deserve for me to close their drawer? What have they done for me today? No. Who are you? What does she do when she sees an open freaking drawer? And all these fears and concerns that are flooding into your mind about what is it going to look like for them in the future? Really ask yourself, are my kids going to serve too much? Are my kids going to give too much? Are my kids going to care too much? Are my kids going to solve too many problems? Are they going to, are they going to have too much compassion for people? I, I, I can't imagine. The answer is yes. And you can lead the way through seamless service, not just the victim mentality of, of course I have to do it. All on my own. Try a different approach. Try a different approach. If it really feels like you're doing it all on your own, it is so likely that your own mentality has trapped you there and you're unwilling to try something different. A whole new approach with a soft heart and vulnerability and an open mind that. That it would take to get there. And those are all things that you have access to. And I know you don't want your kids growing up thinking someone else will do it all for them and not understand how much work goes into it because it was done for them. I understand that. And the attitude that we model and the amount that we're willing to serve seamlessly is going to prepare them to do the same things. So if we're unwilling to serve seamlessly, let's say that they won't be willing to do that either. If we're unwilling to have a great attitude about. About the work that we put forward and take pride in our work and do it right because it's the right thing to do, even when it's hard, then let's just imagine they won't have that either. And seamless service, friends, we're gonna. We're gonna open it up. We're gonna talk more about it. I want this to be a constant thing that we're striving towards and improving on. And trust me, I have plenty of room for improvement. And I'm just. I'm seeking it out each day. What can I do today that would be of seamless service to this grocery store? Returning my cart just the way I speak to my kids? What can I do for my spouse? Who can I call? Who can I help? Just. Just because it aligns with who you want to be. That's it. I'm really proud of you. I'm grateful for these conversations, and I'm excited to keep them going in regards of seamless service and all things mindset. Oh, my sweet friend, thank you for joining me on this week's episode of the momset podcast. Please take a minute to leave a review and share the show. If you loved it, I'd love to stay connected as we continue to learn and grow in motherhood right alongside each other.