111. Perspective When Your Expectations Go Unmet

Welcome to the momset podcast, my friend. I'm your coach, Tessa Romero, and as a woman of God, an adoring wife, and a mother of three darling boys, I am passionate about giving you the tools you need to build a mindset skill set that enriches your experience through motherhood and daily life. I've had my fair share of challenges and hardship throughout my life, and that is exactly how I came to this place of finding purpose to my pain and helping you do the same. I know we can thrive right where we are at, and it's time for us to take back motherhood and by being the mommy that we want to be right now. Thank you for being here and making this a wonderful place for me to show up alongside you. Oh, you better believe I'm freaking jumping right in. I've got a question for you, my sweet friend. Love that we're here together. Love that. I know that you're listening to this because you like to work on yourself. And even when you don't like to work on yourself, you like to know that there's something you can do. And I'm the same way. So I have a question for you. We're jumping right in. What is worse than unmet expectations? Like, let's say you have an expectation that your husband is home at a specific time, or he does specific things around the house. He speaks to the kids in a specific way, that the kids treat each other a specific way. Whatever it is, whatever your expectations are, what is worse than your expectation not being met? You want me to tell you? Do you have an idea? I'm gonna let you sit with that for just a second. What is worse than your expectation of others not being met? And we know how freaking frustrating that can feel when other people don't meet our expectations. So, gosh, is there anything worse than that? Is there anything worse than your husband not meeting your expectations? The answer is yes. The answer is yes. There is something worse. It's meeting your own expectations of the terrible things that you'll think and do when someone else isn't meeting your expectations. So let's go back to the example of your husband's not home when you expected he would be home. Are you meeting your own expectations of the way you'll feel? The things that you'll think about him, the things that you'll say, the things that you'll do that evening? The way that you'll withhold affection and attention and energy from him to try and teach him a lesson? Are those all things that you expect yourself to do. Isn't that worse? Like, isn't meeting those expectations of yourself and what you are predicting you will do so much worse and heavy and gosh dang it just hard. So much worse than someone else not meeting your expectation, like coming home an hour or eight hours later than you expected they would. This past weekend. I'm 37 weeks pregnant. I've got three boys, six, four and one. Well, two, let's call them two, six, four and two. And my husband has a project to do on a Sunday which is like not my favorite. I would prefer that's a hard no. And him and I both understood, like this is something that needs to get done. My husband works extremely hard. He's a wonderful husband, a wonderful father, and we both have areas to work on just like every other single freaking human on the planet. So yes, I would say that we have an extremely healthy marriage, an extremely healthy relationship and more to freaking come on that. Just stay tuned for future episodes. Friends. Anyway, we do have a healthy marriage relationship. And if I were to bring all of these just more than expectations, unhealthy behaviors, hurtful thoughts, hurtful narratives and hurtful, hurtful behaviors into my marriage, it would no longer be healthy. I wouldn't have a healthy marriage if I allowed an unmet expectation to be the time that I justify not showing up as the wife that I want to be and, and having expectations of myself that sound like, don't text him back. Oh, he's not home yet and he's sending you an update. He's apologizing. Well, I'm just not going to text him back then. And I'm not going to have a good day with the kids and I'm not going to cook dinner, I'm not going to clean up, I'm not going to get the kids in bed on time or do these things that I know I want done for my family, I want them done for my home, I want them done for myself, for my children, for my husband, for all of our well being. I want these things done. And yet there are times that our expectations of others go unmet and then we expect ourselves to do things that don't align with who we want to be. So what is worse than unmet expectations from others when you go ahead and meet your own expectations of just the hurtful things that you're gonna do next and that is what we can actually control and we can be so much more accountable to than if our husband walks in the freaking door at the time that we expected him to or even the time that he said that he would. When my husband was gone that Sunday to do this project and we both understood, like, yeah, this actually does, like, really need to get done today. Okay, I'm in support. This is the way that I would support him. He really thought this project was gonna take four hours, friends. It took 12, like 12 stinking hours. He was gone from 9:00am to 9:00pm and yeah, I felt frustrated and catching myself feeling frustrated. I noticed myself not wanting to text him back with his updates. And when he apologized, I wasn't wanting to be kind. I wasn't wanting to be, like, sincerely supportive of his role and what he's doing today. I didn't want to do those things. I wanted to be cold and standoffish and ignore him and give him a little guilt trip while I'm at it. I wanted to withhold my attention and affection from him. And that does not align with the wife that I want to be. No matter the circumstance, no matter if it takes 12 hours instead of 4. I just don't want to be that wife. I really freaking don't. So. So why on earth am I going to allow myself when one expectation is already unmet? Why on earth am I going to go and meet these other expectations that are so ugly, to treat someone that way, to think about them that way, to, gosh, cause strife and distance in my marriage that doesn't serve me even when he does get home at 9 o'. Clock. So I really want us to be able to take the time to truly consider what. Who do you expect yourself to be when your expectations are not met? Who do you expect yourself to be? Do you expect yourself to be cold? Do you expect yourself to be harsh, to be hurtful, to be manipulative? I mean, to be the victim? Do you expect yourself to be the victim? This is all victim mentality related, friends. When we think like, my husband's out there working so hard getting this project done against me, like this is happening to me. And when I really humbled myself and thought of the freaking bigger picture here, Yes, I am 37 weeks pregnant. Yes, I have three children and these are all things that I wanted. I wanted three children around me. I wanted this fourth pregnancy. I want to be home and able to do crafts with my kids and have a slow Sunday. And yes, I want my husband home and. And I want to be a wife that sincerely misses her husband and is able to communicate, man, I miss you. And I really wanted this day to look like this because I love it when we Spend time together instead of a bitter wife that is unwilling to be vulnerable enough to say that I miss you, and instead turns it into anger of, well, I'm just mad that you're gone. Like, no, I. I miss you, I miss you and you're gone. Instead of I'm mad that you're gone. There's a big difference. And we can protect our marriage, we can protect our people when we allow our mind to have a freaking reality check. Sometimes I'm in an air conditioned home, my husband is out working in the sun. The only thing he freaking ate was a spicy chicken sandwich from Wendy's as he's doing this whole gazebo building project in the backyard with someone there to help him. And you know, that man there helping him also was out there with my husband all freaking day, all day long. Away from his wife, away from his family, fulfilling his commitments and supporting his family. And I just, oh, man, I just wish that those were my first thoughts, you know, like, those weren't my first thoughts this time. And they, and what happened was it allowed me. Because they weren't my first thoughts, it allowed me to get more clear on what I want my first thoughts to be. I don't want you guilt tripping yourself and shaming yourself and going into this further victim mentality spiral like, oh, Tess is here calling me out, so I'm awful and I'm this terrible wife. No, no. I just want you to be able to recognize the behaviors and expectations that don't align with, with the wife you wanna be with, the mother you wanna be with the person and woman you wanna see yourself as. Because we have to allow ourselves to look at those things in order to change them. And I have to be willing to say my first thoughts were unkind. A lot of them were untrue and they were super selfish. And I don't want those to be my first thoughts. I want my first thoughts to be, wow, my husband works so hard and I have a man that will go work outside for 12 straight days. Hours. 12 straight hours and not a single freaking complaint. And gosh, even if he did complain, like at the end of the day, he said he had a headache. I don't think that's complaining. No, I think that's just the reality. That's just the reality of, like, dang it, this was really freaking hard. And I want my first thoughts to be. He wants to be here too. He wants a Sunday home with me too. This is really hard for him too. And I love that when we approach hard circumstances we do it together instead of apart. And we can divide the load, we can divide the pain of it, and it looks different for each of us. And honestly, I don't want to freaking be outside building a gazebo and in the heat, not knowing what I'm freaking doing. That sounds really frustrating. Really frustrating with just a Wendy's spicy chicken sandwich to eat. No, thank you. I want full access to my fridge, pantry, water. I want to paint. I want to be with my kids and in my garden. And gosh, that's what I want my first thoughts to be. And in order for us to do that, we have to get more clear on who do I expect myself to be when my expectations are not met? Who do I expect myself to be? Who do you expect yourself to be when your husband walks in the door an hour later than you expected or 12 hours later than you expected? Who do you expect yourself to be when your husband says something hurtful? We do not control other people. And this idea, this is why I said I need another episode. This idea that, oh, this is nice in theory, but hello victim mentality. Here's why it won't work for me. But it only works if your husband thinks the same way. If your husband does the same things, If. If someone else is also being kind and compassionate and gracious to you. That's not true. That's not true. That is a dangerous and harmful thought. And if you think someone else needs to be kind before you can, I promise you, you will never be kind first. And that is a terrible way to live. That sounds so much, so much worse than what anybody could possibly say or do in your life and you would be a part of is when you allow yourself to believe that who you're going to be and what you're going to think and what you're going to do rests solely on what somebody else is going to think and who they're going to be and what they're going to do. How out of control are we going to feel with ourselves? So I understand that, you know, maybe your husband has a victim mentality, too. And maybe he loses it when his expectations are not met, whether it be the kids or you or his work or neighbors or family, whatever. Right? We're all people doing the best we can. And you have to be willing to make a change first. You have to be willing to set a new tone. Imagine what you could teach your husband that has a victim mentality, that has a hard time when his expectations are not met. Imagine what you could teach him if he could just watch you do it. You don't have to know the perfect way to explain it. You don't have to know how to put it into the right frame for him. Like, no, just model it. Prove what can be done. Let him watch you change. I, I truly, I'm gonna have to think on this. The best way I can think of right now though, that to encourage someone else to know that they can change is if we let them watch us change. Your husband starts to give you a cold shoulder, don't give him a cold shoulder. You stay warm if he gets cold. If he says a hurtful comment like, oh, you should just be grateful because I'm out here supporting our family. You don't have to say something hurtful back. Yes, that comment would really freaking hurt because you're home working so hard and doing so much too. And you don't have to say something hurtful back. Who do you expect yourself to be when someone says something hurtful to you? Who do you expect yourself to be when your kids don't do what you ask them to do the first time, the second time, the 15th time? I have questions. If we're asking our kids to do something 15 times, like, I don't know, why are we asking 15 times? That sounds frustrating. But the point though is who you expect yourself to be is what matters so much more than if other people are doing and being and thinking and feeling the way that you expect them to. That's outside of your control. Don't put your focus there. Put your focus back on you. Okay, words of freaking encouragement. Answer that question. Who do I expect myself to be when my expectations are not met? Get clear there and then you'll see. Oh, wow, that's the first thing I can freaking work on that's actually in my control. And would you look at that the next time an expectation is not met. It's actually an opportunity for you to become who you want to be, not a reason why you wouldn't be. We. It's all opportunity. Opportunity to be who you want to be. And you'll just. The circumstances change in meaning and when they change in meaning, they just feel so much easier. Even when the entire world wants to describe them as so hard and unbearable. You just find new meaning to it. You find new meaning. And I believe in you. I freaking believe in you. I know that I don't want my first thoughts to be negative and victim related when my husband is out there working in the freaking sun. Like, I, I really don't. And they absolutely were On Sunday, that's what my thoughts were first. And I had to catch those. I had to correct them. I had to realize, wow, who do I expect myself to be as a wife when my expectations are not met? That. That was so empowering for me. And I hope it is for you, too. And I hope you know that there's so much inside of your control and other people. It's just not one of those things. Other. Controlling other people is not one of the things inside of your control. And you would be shocked with how busy you'll freaking stay just trying to control yourself. You don't even. You won't even want to control other people once you start really getting in tune with how much of yourself is actually in your control. And I hope that this is a place that we can raise our words and write our mind and just be who we want to be, no matter where we go or who we're with. I am so freaking proud of you. Grateful to have you here. And you know what? It's a hot and fiery good time for us to fulfill our own expectations of ourself. To be kind first, to give first, to see a need and fill it. To lighten the load of others and to remain in an empowered mind that says can do this and we can approach this together. And I see my people over. I see. Over the times that I see problems, and gosh dang it, it's a good place to be. So I adore you, sweet friend, and I'll talk to you real soon. Oh, my sweet friend, thank you for joining me on this week's episode of the momset podcast. Please take a minute to leave a review and share the show. If you loved it, I'd love to stay connected as we continue to learn and grow in motherhood right alongside each other.