113. Overcoming People Pleasing In Your Pregnancy and Labor

Welcome to the momset podcast, my friend. I'm your coach, Tessa Romero, and as a woman of God, an adoring wife, and a mother of three darling boys, I am passionate about giving you the tools you need to build a mindset skill set that enriches your experience through motherhood and daily life. I've had my fair share of challenges and hardship throughout my life and that is exactly how I came to this place of finding purpose to my pain and helping you do the same. I know we can thrive right where we are at and it's time for us to take back motherhood and by being the mommy that we want to be right now. Thank you for being here and making this a wonderful place for me to show up alongside you. Those darn people pleasing tendencies friend. Dang it. Well, I am here to help you with your people pleasing tendencies. If that is something that you want to work on or need to work on and you're not quite sure where to start. I hope this helps you so much. In this episode I'm going to share three perspectives with you that can best help protect your peace and and keep you out of people pleasing tendencies. Especially as you're approaching labor, you're going through pregnancy, postpartum's coming up, whatever season you're in. I'm going to use a personal story here because I live this work and I totally have people pleasing tendencies that have felt really difficult to unravel and remove myself from and be able to overcome and it honestly even took me a while to be able to recognize them. So really working on people pleasing has been very interesting for me. And again, it's. It's just like having negative thoughts. Like, that's why I love mindset work so much. Because I need it just as much as the people that I'm trying to help. I need it just as much as you. I have negative thoughts just like you do. And I have people pleasing tendencies just like you do. And I just love that I can come here, share a story and share how I implemented a certain tool to help me through it. Because you don't need to have a mind that only sees the positive, only sees the good, only sees the bright side, the silver lining. Never has a negative thought that's pretty, I mean, to me, pretty unrealistic. I. I don't even know if that would really be the goal. That's not my goal. My goal is to know what to do when I have negative thoughts. My goal is to know what to do when I notice the tendency of people Pleasing coming up and being able to say and recognize, oh, that's what that is. Here's what I can do about it. So I hope that this just encourages you a whole bunch to know, hey, Tessa has negative thoughts, too, and these are the tools that she uses so that she can feel, think, and do better than what that initial thought said. And, yeah, so I am getting ready to have my fourth baby. And there have been several times in the past four days that I completely thought, I'm for sure going into labor. And one of those times I was convinced, like, I've got to be in labor. Like, active labor's got to be really close. This is exactly how it went with my past two home births and being able to recognize all those little signs, the contractions and just everything my body was doing. I was certain that I was going to have my baby. And part of my home birth plan that I do is I invite two of my family members up and they drive two and a half hours to come and be a part of the birth. And I was like, well, shoot, this is going to be my fourth baby. Things are going to go faster, likely, and I want them to have enough time to get here. So I told my husband, like, hey, I think now would be a good time to let them know so that they can get here and, and be a part of it. So we let them know that I, Tess, is in labor. I call my midwife and she's like, okay, let me know when you're. When your contractions get to about this point, which I'm familiar with. And like, okay, I'll let you know. And all was well. Right? So then this is. It's just cracking me up because this, this experience, experience getting closer to this labor has just been different than my other ones. And it's extremely humbling. Extremely humbling. So anyway, we let them know. They pack up their bag, they get in the car and they drive right up. And it takes them two and a half hours to get here. They come and I'm still, like, having contractions when they get here. It had slowed down a little bit, which I've experienced before. And at the same time, I'm like, okay, well, I'm just, you know, gonna go for a walk and, and keep things going and get on my ball, like, all the little things that I like to do. And then by 11 o', clock, everything had stopped. Like, it was slowing down quite a bit when they got here. And then it just completely, completely stopped that night at 11 o'. Clock. And I'm just looking at my two family members and thinking, oh, my gosh, I feel so bad that I just had you guys drive up here and my labor stopped. And then my. My mind was literally just like, looping these concerns about what if I don't have the baby tonight? And they just drove all the way up here and they're like, she's got kids and she's got work meetings and, like, all these things, and they're trying to go around my schedule, and gosh, this just is, like, out of my control. And gosh dang it, like, I just felt so silly that I even thought I was in labor. And those were the thoughts that I was having. And I had told my husband, I just feel so disappointed that everything stopped and I called them and had them come up. Like, I totally told them that I'm in labor and I was putting, like, so much responsibility on myself, which, yes, I'm the communicator of my body, right? And. And I don't freaking control labor and birth. And when my baby decides to come. And in those. In that moment, I was just looking at it as, oh, my gosh, like, I should have waited. I should have known. I should have given it more time before telling them. I should have, you know, just all those should haves. And the reality behind it is it could have gone the exact opposite where my laboratory, like, maybe I did decide to wait. And then what if labor did progress really quickly and I had the baby before they even had time to make it here on time because I didn't call sooner? Could my mind have looped to a different story of, oh, man, I should have known that I was really in labor and I should have called them sooner so they could be here. And I can't believe that I did that. Like, you see how our mind sometimes it just doesn't even matter the circumstance. Our mind finds a way to take the blame and get into that victim mentality. And the victim mentality is not just about blaming other people. It's also when we blame ourselves. So it's just so. It's always so interesting to me that circumstances are the facts, friends, and we get to decide what we think about them and what we think about them is either going to position us in a way that we have our inner peace, we protect our integrity, we're proud of our behaviors and our choices, or it's going to position us in a way where we throw this huge freaking pity party. We either blame ourselves or somebody else. Like, someone's got to be at fault here, and we feel like crap, and then we do things that we're not proud of. And I. That's what I'm for. That's what I feel so grateful for in this work is being able to recognize those little things. Like, okay, right now, I'm blaming myself for something that is outside of my control, and that's a little bit silly. And what I'm also doing is putting this tremendous responsibility of my. On myself to be responsible for and control what my family members are thinking. Because I. I may think, like, oh, my gosh, they just drove up here. Like, they're gonna feel really disappointed I didn't have the baby. And, like, this is just a waste of time for them. I could be thinking all of that. And that does not mean it's what they're thinking. They could be thinking, I'm so glad that we got to be here for Tessa. Like, even if we could just fold that one basket of laundry, I'm so glad that we got to contribute and support in our way and just show her. Like, we are so excited for you. Right? We want to be here for you. We want to be here for the boys and the baby. And what if that's what they're thinking? Why. Why do I have to assume that these negative thoughts floating through my mind are the same negative thoughts floating through somebody else's? What if they don't even have those at all? They're just giddy and excited and living in this joyful time of, oh, my gosh, we don't know what's gonna happen. This is so exciting. Another baby's joining our family. Like, gosh, we get to, like, Tessa invited us here. This is so special. Like, what if that's all they're thinking? So anyway, that night, I really was feeling just, like, swimming and this feeling of disappointment, and it was 100% coming from my thoughts. And I told my husband, like, I just feel so disappointed that all the labor, like, stopped, and they. And I had them drive up here and all these things, and he just looks at me, and he was like, stop. Like, stop. Stop doing that. They would drive up here three more times just to support you. It's not about being here just for the baby. They want to here for you, too. And just, like, hearing that from him again, it took my mind to recognizing, oh, my gosh. Like, I'm putting myself as the victim here. I'm trying to take responsibility for what someone is or isn't thinking or what they are or are not feeling and what they choose to do next. And I don't control any of those things. And it was just so nice to have my husband, like, help me stay grounded. Especially when you know you're about to meet your baby, you have all these emotions and oh my goodness, there's like so much going on. So it's nice to have people in your life that can speak truth to you and over you when sometimes we just get a little distracted and we lose our way. So after he said that to me, I was able to really shift into these three perspectives that I wanted to dedicate this episode to. Because there's going to be times in your life that things you think it's going to go one way and it just doesn't. And that can impact other people. Absolutely. And it doesn't mean that your intention, like my intention in having my two family members come up was to waste their time or have them drive back again when I'm actually in labor. Like, no, that's, that's not it at all. So the first perspective that I was able to really shift to that helped me work through the feelings that of disappointment, because I did have those and I knew and I even flat out told my husband, I honestly wouldn't feel disappointed right now that labor stopped if it were just you and I here. Like, if it were just you and I and I was just gonna go to sleep and see if it starts back up again tomorrow, I feel like I would, I would be grateful and I would just be at peace. Like, okay, looks like I get to sleep really freaking good tonight. Like I am, I'm down for however many good nights of sleep I get before this baby comes and, and like how good I can feel in my body before I go through the challenge of birth. Right. Like all these things that I know are coming and that really helps me to stay patient at the end of pregnancy is knowing it's gonna happen. Like it's just, it's gonna happen. And when I told them that, that's when we were able to have a really great conversation too. Like, they would drive up here three more times and they're excited to be here for you and they just want to, to have you feel supported and that's why they're here. So that was really, really awesome. And that first perspective that I landed on that I really want you to be able to have too, because it just helps so much with unraveling this people pleasing tendency, which takes so much practice and so much self awareness to be able to do. And it's something that I'm actively practicing too. And it's that first perspective is your body and your baby have zero people pleasing tendencies. Thank God. Seriously, it's just, it's so amazing that your body is just like, I am going to do what I know how to do, what I need to do to grow this baby, to deliver this baby, to stay alive, to stay healthy, to stay strong. Like, I'm going to do everything in my freaking power. And I am not concerned about what other people think about it. I'm not concerned. Like, imagine if your water broke at a grocery store. Your body is not like, oh, I wonder what everyone's thinking about this right now. Like, no, that would be your brain doing that. Your body said, now is the time that the water breaks. This is the moment for this to happen. This is the, this is the way, right? And it's not about what other people think or feel or do in reaction to it. And I think it's so cool when you just take that step back and observe what your body does, especially during labor. No people pleasing tendencies are in sight. It's not about other people's schedules. Your body's not considering, you know, their someone else's work schedule and wouldn't it be most convenient for them? And sometimes I hear my clients or just women in general saying like, oh, it drives me crazy. The comments that I hear, like, if you could just have your baby at this time, the other time. And believe me, I hear those comments too. My midwife said them to me. She's like, I've got this going on so you can have your baby before or after that day. I just laugh because my body is not thinking of how can I please that? How can I meet that? No. So we have so much to learn just by observing our body and its way ways. It does not have any people pleasing tendencies. Babies are another excellent source of helping us overcome our own people pleasing tendencies. Because they don't have any. They're going to cry when they need you. They're going to come when they're ready, not when you decided, hey, I'd love for you to come this day, this time. Trust me. I really believe in the power of focusing on what you want. And if that's not the way it's supposed to be, it's not gonna go that way. Like it's, that's okay. That's why the work that we do in our mind when things don't go the way that we want is so important. And I've taught you guys that mentality of you're given what you need. I didn't say you're given what you want and what you would choose for yourself. Like, no, you're given what you need. And if you need your baby born this day, this time, this size, this position, this, this way, then that's the way it's going to happen. And the mentality of this is exactly what I needed is so powerful because it fits into any circumstance that you're given if you're willing to see it that way. And it comes back to us. So babies and bodies just have zero people pleasing tendencies. And goodness, there's a lot I can learn from that. And I'm grateful that I'm honestly grateful. I just, I didn't go into labor when I thought I was in labor. I'm grateful that it didn't happen that way because it gave me the opportunity to just sit and reflect and raise my self awareness, observe myself, see where I'm at and get myself into this really great space again to enjoy the last bit of my pregnancy. Like, yeah, I feel that I felt disappointed for a night and I'm not going to feel disappointed every day that I don't go into labor. I've got better things to do, I've got better things to feel, better things to think about, better things to experience. Like I, gosh dang it, I just, I want more than that and I'm gonna freaking get more than that, let me tell you. And so are you. So our babies in our bodies have zero people pleasing tendencies and you can follow their lead and learn so much from their ability to do what they need and what is right without trying to control how someone else thinks, feels and reacts to it. If someone else feels disappointed that you didn't go into labor when they hoped you would, that's okay. It's okay if they feel disappointed about that because those are their thoughts, those are their emotions, those are their choices and they get to be responsible for that. And again, just like with you, it could have gone the exact way that they wanted and they could have still felt disappointed about something and then what, right? We are not people. Pleasing is the idea that you're responsible for and control how other people feel. And that is just not true. It's when we put this responsibility on ourselves. Like, oh my gosh, they're just going to feel so upset if I don't make it to their party, if I, if I have to change plans, if I change my mind, if I want to do it my way, decorate this way. They're just going to feel stuck, so upset. They're going to feel so offended if I do that. How the frick do you know? First of all, and even if they do, so be it. Let them, let them feel that way. That is, maybe they'll learn something wonderful when you just let them feel that way, let them experience it. And either way, no matter how things go, you just don't control what other people are going to choose to think about it, feel about it and do about it. That is their responsibility. And you control you. So it goes both ways. Sweet friend. Perspective number two that we are really working on here, that helps a lot is embrace that labor happens when it's good and ready and it's not about anyone else or even you. That's what I've been really sitting with. Like this labor. It's not about me. I'm the conduit of life right now. Like life has been given to me to grow and, and I'm just the conduit. I'm the connection piece that brings the life here. It's not about me. So whenever my body goes into labor and my baby does come, it's about my baby. This is my baby's time, this is my baby's day, moment, experience. And yes, I feel like, it does feel like, oh my gosh, this is just as much of a birthday of a new version of me, like. And I do choose to view it that way because I love to grow myself. And at the same time, it's not about me. It's not about the day I want to go into labor. It's not about the size I want my baby to be or the gender I want my baby to be. I am the conduit of life. I'm that connection piece, right? And it's really cool when we just take that step back and remember this isn't about anybody else or even me. It's only about my baby. And that's such a cool, again, humbling experience. Humility is our ability to think of ourselves less often, not to think less of ourselves. I don't think less of myself going into birth. I think of myself less often. What does my baby need? What does my body need? What position is best going to help my baby to come and be delivered? What is the best thing I could drink right now for my body to feel its best? What would provide the most support and relief for my body right now and how hard it's working. It's really just amazing to flood your life with experiences that are humbling and this, These. This last little bit of this pregnancy, again, has been so humbling for me because I'm just thinking of myself less often. I'm thinking of my baby more. I'm thinking of my body more. This is. This is about them. It's not about me. I'm the conduit of life. And gosh, that's such a privilege. It's such a privilege. It's such an honor to that so many desire and only some get to experience. Some of us get to have that experience to be the conduit of life, and not all of us. And gosh freaking dang it, I'm not going to minimize it. I'm not going to downplay it. I'm not going to take it for granted. I am going to magnify every ounce of what a miracle this is. That, I mean, it just. It blows my mind. And I feel like I'm living a miracle right now. I get to be a conduit of life, and then I get to be a good steward and shepherd for my kids. And like that. It just. It leaves me speechless. Clearly. Clearly. So that's our second perspective is just this humbling experience that labor happens when it's good and ready. And it's not about anyone else or even you. It's just about your baby. And you can want it to happen on a specific day all you want, and that's ultimately not the deciding factor that your baby and body are working with. They know better than you. So just trust that. Trust that your body knows what it's doing. It's smarter than you. And. And I've shared that perspective before with my varicose veins that I get pretty bad during pregnancy. And, you know, they used to feel just like, oh, why is this happening to me? And the more I. The more I worked on my own victim mentality, and I understood, like, why would my body do something to me? It. It, like, I. I am its source of life. It does everything for me. It's the biggest example of literally everything it does being for me. So when these varicose veins come, I can just trust, you know, my body's actually a lot smarter than me, and it knows things that I don't know, and it's working with what it's got. And my entire life, it's just. It's used what I've given it. And let me tell you, there have been some times that I have not given it very helpful things. And again, it still is just like, okay, I guess we're working with this now, okay, I guess we're gonna work with this toxin, this chemical, this. This hormone disruptor. Sh. Sure. Like, I'm gonna do the best I can with what I've got here. And just to. Just to know that is the truth about your body, that it's so freeing. It's so freeing. And again, mindset work to me is just about coming back to truth as frequently and as. As diligently as you need to. Always, always, always go back to truth. And you'll find your way through every single time. So that's our second perspective. Our third perspective is this is your chance, you know, this is your chance to let people contribute, support, and show up as they'd like to and trust that they're doing what they want to do, trust that they're thinking about it in a way that they want to, and they're doing things in a way that they want to, and they're showing up in a way that they want to. So if they. If you tell them, hey, I'm in labor, and they want to drive the two and a half hours to come support you, trust that that's what they want to do and give them the opportunity to think and feel and do about it the way that they want to. This is your chance to let people show up and be who they want to be. And it's really an incredible time for you to overcome people pleasing and step further into that mentality. And when you really let it go, like the idea of controlling how other people think and feel and do, when you really let that go and you just. You just let them make their choices, I. I've loved it. I love that the two family members came up. They stayed two nights with us waiting to see if I was going to go into labor, and that didn't. It was just nice having them here. It was so nice just having them here. And you know, the basket of laundry that we folded together and the dinner we got and the walks we went on and just the talking, the chatting, the show we watched at night together, just those little things like, did I have the baby in the time frame that they were here? No. And they were. They were so excited to just be here. My boys were excited to see them. And by the end of it, they said, keep us updated, we'll be right back. You know, we've got these things to do back at home, so we're going to get that done and then we can for sure come back this day. And, you know, if the baby's born between then on our Drive back home, that's okay, too. And I, I just, I'm so grateful that I gave myself the opportunity to experience that and to just be, be grateful for them and outwardly express my appreciation to them. Thank you for coming. Thank you for folding that basket of laundry. Thank you for picking up dinner for the boys. That was so helpful. Like, just thanks for being here. Thanks for coming. I've, I've really, really enjoyed it. And I would not have enjoyed it if I let myself just stay in that disappointment because I thought I needed to have the baby. When they're here, it's not fair to them, it's not fair to me, it's not fair to my body, it's not fair to my baby, it's not fair to my family. And I, I just know there's another way. I know there's another way because I just freaking did it. And I want, I want you to have this opportunity too. So maybe right now it doesn't look like life labor that you're applying these perspectives to. That's okay. It doesn't have to be labor. It doesn't have to be postpartum pregnancy. It can be whatever's going on right now. Your kid's birthday party coming up, a wedding that you're planning, school choices that you're making, a trip that you guys are going to be going on. What, whatever it is. Just apply these perspectives. Let yourself experience some, some freedom from the people pleasing tendencies. And goodness. When you just handle it, even just one time, you handle it differently. Even just one time, you start to instill this new belief in yourself of, hey, look, I really can do it. It just takes one time. Not every time. There are totally times that I step into the people pleasing tendency and goodness. I pay for it every single time. Every single time I pay for it and I learn from it and I try really hard the next time. And you know, I'm just, I'm really grateful that however long I'm in this last little bit of this pregnancy, I have found myself just enjoying it, savoring it, you know, and, and being okay with whenever this baby comes. It's going to be a good time. It's going to be a good time. I'm. I'm gonna enjoy my birth. I'm gonna have great birth experience. And I've been doing my journaling about it. I've been communicating with my husband. I've been very intentional with my time and my choices and, and my perspective. Gosh, just very intentional with my thoughts more than anything else. And I can confidently tell you this is the best last bit of pregnancy that I've had. And I just, I already know it's gonna be my best postpartum too. So I'm excited to continue sharing just the stories, the tools, how to live this work with you. And I just have the utmost gratitude that you're here with me on the podcast in this setting for us to experience, expand deeper and, and live this together, apply it together. So I hope you see a bit of you in this story and something that you want to take away from work on. Just remember, babies and bodies have zero people pleasing tendencies. Our second perspective is to embrace labor when it does happen and know that it's about your baby. Right? It's a very humbling experience to know that you're the conduit of life here and you're the only one that will ever be able to birth your baby. There's going to be so many people that love your baby and, and incredible people that make an enormous impact on your baby's life and you will always be the only one that got to birth them. And that's just, that's worth really cherishing, that's worth really savoring. And finally, our third perspective was let people, you know, this is your chance to let people contribute, support and show up as they'd like to trust that what they're doing is what they want to do. It's not something you made them do, it's not something they have to do. It's just something that they want to do and it's something that, that aligns well with them right now and that's their decision to make. I'm just grateful for you. I'm proud of you. I love this season that I get to show up with you in these ways and we just get to keep growing together. So thanks for being here, friend. Oh, my sweet friend. Thank you for joining me on this week's episode of the momset podcast. Please take a minute to leave a review and share the show. If you loved it, I'd love to stay connected as we continue to, to learn and grow in motherhood right alongside each other.