116. 4 Things I Know Now That I Wish I Knew As A New Mom

Welcome to the momset podcast, my friend. I'm your coach, Tessa Romero, and as a woman of God, an adoring wife, and a mother of three darling boys, I am passionate about giving you the tools you need to build a mindset skill set that enriches your experience through motherhood and daily life. I've had my fair share of challenges and hardship throughout my life, and that is exactly how I came to this place of finding purpose to my pain and helping you do the same. I know we can thrive right where we are at, and it's time for us to take back motherhood by being the mommy that we want to be right now. Now, thank you for being here and making this a wonderful place for me to show up alongside you. I am reaching a point of flow and hitting a stride now that I have all four of my boys here, my youngest being 10 weeks old. So still very early in postpartum, for me, I have noticed just some things and found myself very aware of my journey in motherhood. And I noticed that there are some things that I know now as a mom of four that would have been very useful to know as a new mom when I experienced that and six years ago with my first. So I wanted to have a special podcast episode that could just kind of help break down what are four things that I really understand now that I wish I knew as a new mom. And I hope this episode finds you and brings you hope and encouragement in whatever season of motherhood you're in. If you are a new mom with one or multiple babies, or if you are a seasoned mom that has more than four kids, or you've been a mom longer than six years, I hope that there's a piece of this episode that you're just like, man. That gave me fresh hope, that gave me a renewed spirit towards my journey in motherhood, and that ultimately we can create a generational desire towards motherhood again. Because motherhood really is the best. It really is the best. With all of its difficulty and challenge and insane responsibility that we bear as mothers, there's truly just nothing better than it. So. So in this episode, I'm just breaking down four things that I understand now as a mom of four that I know would have been very wonderful to have and know as a new mom. So let's dive in. The first one, this is all a perspective piece. This first one, it is. I am given what I need. It took me a long time to learn this as a mom, and I still feel grateful that I know it now and my Boys are so young. I work with a lot of mothers that have teens or older children, and they think, you know, I'm too late to be learning this. So before I dive into this, and I just said, I feel really grateful to know this, as a young mom, I want to give you a piece of encouragement. No matter how old you are or how old your kids are, there is so much inspiration that you display and model to them with your changes in perspective and behavior. When you can be one person to your kids for so long and you're like, that's who they know you to be, maybe they know you to be a little bit more reactive or intense or stressed or anxious. Maybe they know you to be that, and they have for quite some time. If you're thinking, oh, my gosh, there's no way I could change now, I've missed the sweet spot. That window's gone. I'm too far gone. Whatever it is, that's not true. Because what you have the opportunity to do now is take this perspective. I am given what I need to change your beliefs and change your behaviors and let your kids watch you change. Not because you want them to change or you're even telling them that this is what they need to do, because you understand that who you want to be is different than who you are today, and you're willing to work towards becoming her. So just a little piece of encouragement. No matter where you are in your motherhood, how old or how late you think you are, it's amazing to allow the people of your life to witness you change. It gives them hope. It gives them belief that they can do the same thing. And I have found myself to be that person for people close to me and people that have never met me. They think, you know, if Tessa can do it, why can't I? Tessa decided to change. Tessa decided to start reading the Bible, renew her faith. Tessa decided to let go of grudges and learn how to forgive. Even though I was the queen grudge holder, Tessa decided to have an empowered mindset. Even though I used to just have that deeply rooted victim mentality where I was busy blaming and complaining and using. But all the time, I have changed so much, and I've given people the opportunity to watch me change because I hope it inspires them to change, too. So if you're a mom, that's like, I don't know, Tess, maybe I missed the sweet spot. You know what? Maybe you're just getting started in transforming your children's lives and the people that love you and Watch you closely because you're willing to be vulnerable enough to change in front of them. So let's dive into this first point. The perspective I'm given what I need. If I knew this perspective as a new mom I am given what I need, I would not have felt so stressed about my baby waking up at night. I know it. I know I would not have had this rush of adrenaline and honestly, this intense frustration and anger come over me when my baby would wake up. Why? Because I would be able to think I'm given what I need. And that means I'm going to get the sleep that I need tonight. That means my baby's going to call me when I need to be there for him. I'm given what I need. I am given the direction, the guidance, the hope, the faith, the light that I need to be the mom that I want to be. And sometimes it's going to look different than I want it to. Sometimes it's going to be something different than I would choose for myself. And it still stands true that it's what I need. Even if it's different than what I want. What do I want? A full freaking nine hours of sleep. Thank you. Is that what I get? No. No. And I'm still given what I need. I get what I need even if it's a three hour stretch, a two hour stretch, or several disrupted sleep patterns throughout the night so that I can be there for my kids, whether they be sick or newborns or feeling stressed themselves having a nightmare. Whatever it is, I know I'm given what I need. So if I had this belief, this true mentality and perspective as a new mom, I wouldn't have felt so stressed about the nighttime wakings. I would not have felt stressed about taking my kid on a walk or to the grocery store with me. All those times that I asked, how am I going to keep doing these things? How am I going to work out? I'm given what I need. I am given what I need. So as I pursue exercise for myself, if my child starts crying, that's still what I need. Why? Because I am someone that knows I want to be an available, attentive and engaged mother. I want to be interested. Which means I need to see myself drop everything. Drop everything and be there for him. I need to see myself do that in order to believe that I really am that attentive, interested, engaged mother that I know I want to be. So when you can really take on this perspective of I am given what I need, I want you to consider just the daily instances that you have with your kids. Maybe it's the tantrums that they do that just drive you crazy, or they're saying no to you and it's like nails on a chalkboard, or they're. They're fighting each other often they're resisting the. The opportunity to cooperate with you and collaborate on ideas. Maybe all of that is happening and I just want to challenge you right now. If you're a seasoned mom, new mom, or somewhere in between or advanced than that, wherever you're at, I just want you to ask yourself, if I really viewed everything I have as exactly what I need, what would be different about this moment? Where would I now see opportunity where I once saw difficulty or hardship or challenge or just an impossible barrier between me and what I want? How would I view these things differently if I really believed I'm given what I need? Your child's screaming, just screaming right at you and all their big emotions. If you could imagine this is what I need. This is what I need. I am willing to bet you would handle that moment just dramatically different, because I see myself do it all the time when my boys are in a. Just a tiffle of conflict. Whatever it is, if I can go back to you, I'm giving what I need, and this is who I want to be. I know this is who I want to be. So this is the opportunity I need to be her. This is what I need to happen for me to become who I want to be. This is what I need to happen in order for me to get what I want, ultimately what I want. And that's why vision's so important. Identity is so important. I've referenced back to that several times just trying to explain this perspective to you. If I'm given what I need, you have to know what you want. You have to know who you want to be. You have to know what you want your family, your family dynamic to be like. And we're going to get into those points a little bit later as we go through the list of four. So this is first point of, you know, as a. As a new mom, if I could have understood, Tessa, you're given what you need, I could have really viewed things that felt impossible much differently and had a whole new wave of hope just crash over me as a new mom that's really trying to figure things out. And obviously, as a mom before, I feel like we've got some stuff figured out. Like, I. I think having four feels so good, because while all of my kids are expressing emotions differently, and they're all in like a little bit of a different developmental stage right now. I. I feel so good with my newborn. I feel like this is familiar. This I know, and this is what I need. And then as my 6 year old does new things and my 4 year old reaches new phases and my 2 year old blows me away with what he does, as all of that happens, I know that's what I need too, because I know who I want to be and I know what I want. And everything placed on my path falls into the plan of me getting there, accomplishing that. So yeah, you're given what you need and it's not always going to be what you want or what you would choose for yourself. And, and now you can understand that the goal, the goal of, to me, life, in order to flow with life, is to learn how to want what you need and be someone that chooses what you need over what you want. That's when I feel like we really start flowing with life and we find ourselves in a deeper place of acceptance because we look at what we're given and we say, that's what I need. And I'm someone that wants what I need. And I'm someone that chooses what I need over what I want right now. I. So that's our first point. Our second point that I really believe would have made a big difference for me as a new mom, that now is really serving me as a mom of four, is motherhood is difficult. Motherhood is difficult and difficulty requires skill. So really, motherhood is a lifelong pursuit of skills. And I feel really fortunate to be someone that has positioned myself in life to constantly acquire skills, to sharpen them, to learn new ones, to let go of things that I thought were helping me and they're ultimately not. That's what motherhood really is. In my perspective, it's a lifelong pursuit of skills because it's so freaking difficult. Just when you think you have it figured out and you're in this good flow, you know what it, you know what I'm talking about. You, you finally have this good sleep routine going and it lasts three days and then boom, something needs to change. We need a longer wake window, we need to drop a nap, we need meal time to change, or we're going on a trip. Like something, something changes. Change is the only constant. So in those times that it feels really difficult, I just want you to remember that difficulty requires skill. If you look up the definition of difficulty, I love it so much more than hard. Like to me, when I think of the Word hard. Like, oh, motherhood is hard. I think of, like, a freaking rock. Like, just a rock that. Like, what am I supposed to do with that? Like, it's just there. It's hard. I can throw it against pretty much anything, and it's not gonna break. The other thing's gonna break. So then I feel like I'm breaking as pounding myself against this freaking rock. So, no, I don't like to say that motherhood's hard. I like to say that it's difficult. Because when I think of difficulty, I think of leveling up. I think of a. I think of Olympic sports. If you guys have watched. I love to watch women's. Women's gymnastics at the Olympics. I think it's just so remarkable, so impressive. And I know that in gymnastics, they're rated on difficulty. It's a skill level. They're like, oh, this is a level 10 skill. And that gives a picture of the difficulty that this gymnast is doing. And I love that, because here goes. This gymnast at the Olympics doing a level 10 or above difficulty level and just blowing these numbers out of the water, sticking the landing. She's doing something so difficult, so gracefully. She's doing something so difficult to. So professionally. She's so practiced. She's so. I mean, just watch her. She looks like she's just in rhythm with this difficulty, that she's greater than the difficulty. Like, yes, she's doing a level 10 skill. And her difficulty where she's trained herself is, like, over a level 10. I mean, look at Simone Biles. She's over a level 10. So when she does a level one difficulty, it's like a walk in the park. It's a walk in the park. She's like, oh, I know this. Forwards, backwards, all around the same level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, and all the way up. She has just mastered the skills that it requires to do that difficult thing really well. And that's the way I like to view motherhood. And if I were to have viewed motherhood like that as a new mom, the same way that I do as a mom of four now, I would have focused more on my grace, more on my peace, more on my. My posture when doing difficult things rather than the difficulty itself, I would have understood. Hey, Tessa, right now you're at a level one difficulty, and your only job right now is to master the skills it takes to do level one really gracefully and really well so that you can be just that pristine image of what it looks like to master level one. And then you're going to go to level two and you cannot go to level five and level ten like you say you want without mastering the levels below it. The levels of difficulty below it need to be mastered with your skill set before you can even walk onto level seven. And you know, I, I really like to think I'm still in the early levels of difficulty in motherhood. I, I really do believe that I'm probably at like a level four difficulty of motherhood with a six year old, a four year old, a two year old and a newborn. And my work, my health, postpartum family dynamics, my marriage, just with all the things going on, I still really believe I'm at a level four difficulty. And I just want to master this skill set so well before I'm given level five, which is what I need. So you see how these perspectives can flow really well together. I love to build these tools upon each other. So I start with, you know, I'm given what I need and then I move into yes, definitely. Motherhood is difficult, and that just means I need a greater skill set. I am someone that can acquire that skill set. You are someone that can acquire the skill set that it takes to do difficult things with grace, with ease. To be like a Simone Biles in motherhood, when I think of it that way, like, holy, holy smokes, we really can do that. It just takes practice, right? To, to acquire and sharpen our skills takes practice. And that's what motherhood gives us. It gives us endless opportunities to practice. And I guarantee that there have been times that Simone Biles has fallen off the beam in her practice. And there are times that we fall off the beam, we fall short in our practice, right? There's a time that our kids ask us, hey, mom, can you. And we just snap off a quick no before even hearing the question. We fell off the beam. That's okay, because right now we're in practice because we know I'm acquiring a skill right now. To say yes, to use yes language. To let you finish your question before I give you my answer. To listen attentively to you. I'm in the season of developing and strengthening the skill. And the day that I go to compete, I will be ready. And if you had that mentality, the day I go to compete, I will be ready because I have spent so much time in practice. The day that you go to compete might be the day that you're driving in the car with your kids and they have something on their. They just so badly want to talk about with you. And guess What? You were attentive and you were quiet and you were calm and you were open and you were vulnerable, and they laid it all out to you, everything going on in their life, and you handled it so well. And you'll know in that moment, I mastered the skill. So we don't expect ourselves to have a mastered skill at practice. We use practice to master the skill itself. So, yes, if I could have had the understanding that motherhood is difficult, and that just means it requires a skillset from you. And every single day and every single moment, you are strengthening and developing a skill set. And what feels difficult for you right now, Good news. One day it's gonna feel really freaking easy because you're just gonna have mastered that skill so well that, honestly, you don't even know when you're using it anymore. It's just so natural for you. And that helps me a lot in motherhood now, as a mom of four with boys close in range and age. And I truly just feel like I'm thriving, and I'm really grateful for that. The third point that I want us to talk about today is answers will come, ask better questions. When I was a new mom, I feel like all of my questions were, how. How am I going to go on a walk? How am I going to work out? How am I going to make meals? How am I going to shower? How am I going to go to bed? How am I going to get enough sleep? How am I going to ever have a morning routine? How am I ever going to read a book again? How. How am I going to run these errands? How am I going to go visit family? How am I going to provide a Christmas for my son? How am I going to ever have time uninterrupted with my husband? How, how, how, how, how? All these questions of how constantly flooded my mind, and I felt like I was drowning in them. I tr. That's what got me into this work. I got into this work because as a new. As a new mom, every day I was saying, I'm exhausted, I'm drowning, and I am angry. Like, those three things. And that's just. I knew that's not who I want to be, though. That's not what I want my son to have. I just look at him and see his innocence, and I feel just like this huge light of accountability. This huge spotlight was shining right on me. Like, I. There was just no way other way to think about it. Rather than understanding, it's me, it's not him, it's me. It's not him needing me in the middle of the night. It's me thinking that I shouldn't have to be there for him in the middle of the night. That's the problem. And that's why I got into this work in the first place. So as a new mom, and now I notice this so much as a mom of four, because I don't do this anymore. I do not ask all these questions of how, how am I going to take him to the grocery store? How am I going to have my three boys plus my three week old for three days by myself while my husband goes on trip? How am I going to do that? I don't ask how. I don't ask how. I ask better questions. And that's something that I truly again, it goes back to skill of asking question and it comes back to knowing what you want and who you are. We overwhelm ourselves. And I was overwhelming myself as a new mom trying to ask how to do something before I knew what it is that I wanted or who I even am. So I'm asking myself, how the heck do I do all this when it's really like, well, you don't even know who the frick you are when it comes time to do that. You don't even know what you're trying to get out of that. You don't know what you want more than this moment right here and just to be calm right now. How do I be calm right now? How do I stop yelling right now? What do you want more than that? What do you want more than to stop yelling right now? What do you want more than to just master patience? For what? For what? Have a bigger vision so answers will come. Ask better questions. You don't need to have every answer or much of anything figured out in the moment. You really don't. When you are willing to ask sincerely what is going on underneath what I'm seeing right now? You will have better answers. And once you have the answer of what is going on underneath what I see right now, then the road forward and the next best move reveals itself. Think about your child having a tantrum instead of the silly question, why are you doing this? First of all, they probably don't even know why they're doing it in the first place either. They probably do not know. And when you ask yourself, how the heck am I supposed to stay patient when they're doing this? Those are the wrong questions. Ask a better question. Ask a deeper question, buddy. If you could say anything right now, what would you say? Get deeper get deeper. Get deeper. Yes. You see all this going on over the surface? Get underneath the surface. Do you really think it's okay to hit your brother? That's no, we're done asking that question. We know it's not okay to hit our brother. What could we ask instead? That's a better question that would reveal an answer that helps us make the next move. What do you want your brother to do right now? Okay. That's what you want your brother to do right now. Let's all work together. Me, you, and him. Let's all work together so that you can have your brother do that and you can be the brother that helps him do that, and I can be the mom that helps you do that. One step after another reveals itself. When you just ask better questions, the answers will come and please, Lord have mercy, stop asking how. Stop asking how. Just get really, really clear on what it is that you want and who it is that you believe you are. And that's really the fourth point that is so important. It's so important to know what you want before you ask how you're gonna get it. And as a mom of four, I really feel like I've mastered this now. I understand this now. I know the family environment that I want before I ask how I'm gonna get it. I know I want cooperation and collaboration. I want a true team dynamic. I want to know what my kids want for themselves and in life. I wanna know their biggest dreams. I wanna be the person that they come to, I mean, running to with anything that's on their mind or in their heart. I want them to view me as someone that they strive to be like because I want them to be better than me. So in my, in my vision of what I really want, a lot of it too is I want to be stronger than my kids for as long as possible. I want to work harder than them for as long as possible. I want to read more than them, I want to lift more than them. I want to do more pull ups than them. I want to be outside longer than they are. I want to set an incredible standard of what it looks like to thrive in this life. And all the while that they're growing up, I want them to view me as someone that they have to work really hard to keep up with because mom runs that fast and mom is that strong and mom is, you know, that able, you know, I want them to just view me as someone that they're like, gosh, I just want to keep up with my mom and I want to help them acquire these skills early on, where they just get fired up about life. And they have these skills early on because one day I want them to pass. I want them to run faster than me. I want them to lift heavier than me. I want them to be outside longer than I am. I want them to be willing, with a heart of service more than I am. And if that's what I really want, then I want to set a standard that's higher than that. So I need to be here if I want them to be here. Because if I'm down here, well, then the goal is what to here. I want them to reach higher sooner than I ever knew I could. And if I could have understood that as a new mom, to know what I want and who I am, if I just understood those two things, so much of motherhood would have revealed the next best steps to me all on its own, without the time spent crying and in guilt and yelling and venting and complaining and ranting and raving to anyone that would listen. Instead of doing all that I could have just been laser focused on. This is the mom that I want to be, so it's time to work out because my baby's watching. This is the mom that I want to be, so it's time to make dinner because my baby's watching. This is the mom that I want to be. So it's time for me to ask a better question because my baby's listening. This is the mom that I want to be, so it's time for me to hold the boundary out of respect. I refuse to breach the respect that I have for you. So I am going to take some time to just sit and clear my thoughts, because I will only say the things I mean to you. If my kids saw me talk to my spouse that way, what standard does it set for them in their future relationships? Not even their future relationships with their brothers, with me, with their dad, with their neighbors, with anybody. It sets a different precedent for them. It sets a different standard. And that's what I want. And the only way I can do that is to know what I want. So as a new mom, if I could have just understood. Tessa, get clear on what you want and who you are. You have to see yourself as the girl that is that person that does those things. You have to see where you're going if you're ever going to get there. Friend, if I were to ask you right now, who are you? How would you answer that question? And if I were to ask you, what do you want what would you tell me you want? Would you tell me? I just want to stop yelling. Well, that's not telling me what you actually want. Would you tell me? I just want to be patient. That's not telling me what that looks like for you. I just want to set better standards for my kids, give a better example to my kids. That's not telling me what that looks like. Tell me what it looks like. What does it look like for you to set those standards? I just gave you the example of me when it comes to exercise, me when it comes to communication, me when it comes to being outside, being in my garden, pursuing these things, having a heart of service, seeing how much I can give. Why? Because I want my kids to give more than me. I want to seek out every opportunity that I possibly can to give as much as possible, because I want my kids to give more than I can and more than I do. I want that to blow me out of the water. Like, I want people to be like, man, you thought Tessa was great at this stuff. You should see her kids. Gosh, you thought Tessa was good at this. You should hear her kids. You should see her kids. That's what I want. I want to create a generational desire for motherhood. And I know that in that being what I want, the path of what it looks like becomes more clear, and I can see further out of what I'm going to do that makes it happen. And more than that, I can see who it is that I need to become to do those things. And I promise you, I'm not her yet. I'm getting closer, though. In this podcast episode, I'm getting closer, challenging myself to do vulnerable things like this. I'm getting closer, practicing my skill set and speaking to you. I'm getting closer. The way I talk to my spouse, my kids, my neighbor, the way I go out of my way or set up things for people to come to me, to partake in. I'm getting closer. So maybe that's point number five of things that I wish I knew as a new mom, that I now fully understand or understand much better as a mom of four is I know, like, I know where I'm going, and it's okay that I'm not there yet. I know who I'm becoming, and it's okay that I'm not her yet, because I know it's happening. It's happening right here in this moment. And if you could view yourself that way, just imagine what your motherhood would be like. It's okay that you're not her yet because you know it's coming. It's okay that you're not in the home yet, or you have the four boys yet, or you've found the right man yet, or you've started that business yet. It's okay that you haven't done those things yet because you know who you're becoming that does those things really well. And she blows you out of the water. So focus, focus. Focus on who it is that you want to be and what you want. And keep in mind that bonus point. It's okay that you're not her yet. There's so much fun in the journey. There's so much fulfillment in the moment that you handle it really well with your spouse, really well with your kids, that you got vulnerable and made the podcast episode, whatever it is. There's so much fulfillment in the moment that says, I know I'm on the right path. I know I'm doing the right thing. I did that really well. Way to go. Being your own best friend. So I hope these five points just gave you a new hope, a new perspective, and just a little gold nugget in motherhood that just honestly brightens your week and helps you have a better day with your kids. That creates just a really great foundation for you to build on tomorrow in the days to come, setting that example that you want your kids to follow. I'm really proud of you. I'm grateful that we get to be doing this work together. And honestly, just, just. I gotta say it one more time. I really am thriving. There's lots of difficulty. Yes. And I see my skills growing. I fall off the beam in my practice, and when it's time to compete, I'm ready and I show up. And I feel emotional just saying that because it matters so much to me. It really does. And I'm okay with falling down because I show up to practice and when it's time to compete, I blow myself out of the water sometimes. And I want that for you, too. So start speaking more life over yourself. Can you honestly say right now I am thriving? Can you say that I am thriving? I challenge you to say that. Know who you are, know what you want. Take these perspectives to heart and see what they can do for you and your motherhood. No matter what season you're in, I promise you it's in good time and you are given what you need. Oh, my sweet friend. Thank you for joining me on this week's episode of the momset podcast. Please take a minute to leave a review and share the show if you loved it. I'd love to stay connected as we continue to learn and grow in motherhood right alongside each other.