117. Why I Avoid Saying "You Can't" To My Kids

Welcome to the momset podcast, my friend. I'm your coach, Tessa Romero, and as a woman of God, an adoring wife, and a mother of three darling boys, I am passionate about giving you the tools you need to build a mindset skill set that enriches your experience through motherhood and daily life. I've had my fair share of challenges and hardship throughout my life, and that is exactly how I came to this place of finding purpose to my pain and helping you do the same. I know we can thrive right where we are at, and it's time for us to take back motherhood by being the mommy that we want to be right right now. Thank you for being here and making this a wonderful place for me to show up alongside you. Oh, friends, you're gonna love this episode. I just know it, because I'm gonna tell you why it is that I don't say, you can't to my kids. I've got four little boys, and I do not say, you can't. And if I catch myself saying, you can't to them, I know that I'm operating out of a place that of frustration, and instead of, like, a vision of what I want my motherhood to be like and protecting our relationship and connection, and I'm also just operating out of this place of just lacking mindfulness. If I catch myself saying, you can't, then I know, Tessa, this right here is proof that you are in the wrong headspace. And I pull myself back in, and I've got the tools. And that's what I'm so adamant about teaching you in my coaching, is the tools you need to be able to pull yourself back in. None of us are perfect, and we're not trying to be perfect. We're striving for excellence. We want excellent efforts, so that way, no matter what the outcome is, we can look back and say, dang, I gave that my all. I gave that a hundred percent. And this is what I love about our efforts, is you're the only one that knows when you're giving a hundred percent and when you're not. So if I know I didn't give a hundred percent today, that's just not gonna feel good for me, even if someone else says, oh, my gosh, you did so great today. Look at all these things that. That you did, and you made time for xyz. Like, sure, they can try and pick me up and give that perspective. And at the end of the day, I know I can give a hundred percent, and I want to be someone that gives A hundred percent. And that's what I want to instill in you is just this fired up, hopeful energy of no matter what, I'm going to give my best. I'm going to give a hundred percent. So going back to this, why I don't say you can't to my kids, I wanted to break it down to some consumable points for you so you can apply it to your motherhood, too. Point number one, why I do not say you can't to my kids, number one, is because nine times out of ten, they actually can. Have you ever, like, really thought about that? Like, really observed what it is that your kids are doing that you're telling them they can't do, when the reality is they can do it, they're actually really good at it. And you're sitting there saying, you can't draw on the wall, and meanwhile they're drawing on the wall in front of you, and in their head they're like, what do you mean I can't draw on the wall? I'm actually really good at drawing on the wall. I'm doing it right now. So this you can't approach is actually failing and exhausting because you're trying to tell your kids what they can't do when they're actually doing it. They're proving to you that they can. And they're feeling frustrated constantly hearing what they can't do. I mean, could you imagine if it was your job to follow someone else around in their adult life and tell them, you can't do that, you can't eat that, you can't go to this place, you can't get in that car, you can't call that person, you can't pursue that dream. I mean, how could you possibly feel so empowered and positive in your daily life if it's your job to walk around and tell someone else what they can't do? And how is that other person going to feel any more excited, inspired, and hopeful for their life and all the things that they can't do when you're walking around telling them that they can't, it doesn't make any sense. So nine times out of ten, this is point number one of why I do not tell my kids you can't do something. Nine times out of 10, they actually can do it, and they're probably already doing it. That was a question I asked my community on Instagram. And the women that I coach in my membership group is, you know, how often are you telling your kids they can't do something that they're already doing. They're. They're hitting the dog in front of you and you say you can't hit the dog. They are hitting the dog, though. You're saying you can't draw on the wall and there they are drawing on the wall in front of you. You can't have my phone. And they're walking around with your phone like it's, it's not even effective. It's so frustrating for you. And then it's no surprise that you get to this breaking point where you just start yelling, you feel so frustrated, and they start screaming and having these huge breakdowns and tantrums because they feel misunderstood. So you feel frustrated, they feel misunderstood, and you both need more tools, which is why you're here. So point number one, because my kids actually can. Nine times out of ten, they actually can. And if you're telling your kids you can't fly or something like that's like the one in 10 times that you're telling them something that might be a little bit more true. And also there's ways to fly. I mean, people go around those paragliders, they go around parasailing, they go around flying in airplanes. Like, you just, you know, it's just not worth it. It's just not worth my energy. It's not worth your time and energy. So that's point number one. Number two. Number two, negative self talk is the burden that every single human carries. And my kids need me to teach them how to have a positive. I can self talk because eventually there's going to be a day, if not just right now, that they're battling inner self talk that says, I can't, I can't go talk to that person. I can't make a new friend. I can't wear this to the costume party. I can't be Harry Potter for Halloween. What will my friends say? Like they're going to develop that negative self talk because it's the burden that every single human has. So do my kids really need me to spend any more time telling them what they can't do? No, they don't. They. They freaking don't. They need me to instill in them ruthlessly and relentlessly instill in them positive self talk what it looks like to be the person that you want to be, what it looks like to pick yourself up when you're feeling down, what it looks like to approach something at a new angle when you start to think that you can't do it or it's not meant for you. Like, that's who my kids need me to be for them and understand. Like the same thing goes for your kids. Your kids are going to have negative self talk. And I just truly hope that when they think of the example you set for them, it was my mom always encouraged me to think positively about myself and others. The whole flipping world has a negativity issue, really does. So if you are the person in their life, that's that light that guides them back to positivity of themselves, of others, of circumstances, situations. Which way do you think your kids are going to go further in life? Having a positive attitude and mindset or having a negative attitude and mindset? The answer is obvious. They're going to go further in life with a positive attitude and mindset. Even when things don't go the way they want to. When things aren't going the way you want them to. Do you feel like you get anywhere when you just sit there and think negatively about it? Or do you start to get somewhere when you think positively about yourself, about what's possible for you, the solutions that you can come up with positive every time. So that's point number two. Negative self talk is the burden that every single human experiences and carries. And I don't want to add to the burden that they're going to face the rest of their lives. Like I want to teach them something different, especially early on. Number three, the reason why I don't tell my kids you can't do something is because it calls attention to the thing that I don't want them to do if I walk into the room. So in my workout room I have mirrors on the wall and I have taught both of my older boys, my 6 year old and 4 year old, to use the white, the dry erase marker to draw on the mirror. I've instilled that, I've taught that. And it's just an easy way for me to have my kids around me when I'm working out. So I love it. I love that they can just draw in the mirror. And I failed to teach my 2 year old that this marker belongs on the mirror. So I failed to do that. I still had the marker out. And what does my two year old do? Naturally he takes the mark and draws on the wall. He draws a little bit on the, on the mirror and that's just not quite as satisfying as drawing on the wall. So he draws on the wall more than the mirror. And this is on me. Like first of all, I leave the marker out, so total ownership of that. Second, I never took the time to Teach him what? Where we use this marker properly. What is this marker really for? I've never took the time to do that. So when he's on the wall, why should I be surprised? Not surprised because I didn't do that. So would it be more effective, though, if I see him drawing on the wall, I go up to him and I rip the marker out of his hand and say, you can't draw on the wall. Or is it more effective to go up to him, see that the marker's in his hand, and tell him that marker is meant for the mirror? Show me how you draw in the mirror. One I'm drawing. I'm calling so much attention to drawing on the wall. I'm saying it, I'm looking at it. I'm having him look at it. We're discussing it. I'm putting so much emphasis and attention on the thing that I don't even want him to do in the first place, instead of teaching him what I want him to do, instead showing him, hey, here's the. Here's the right way to use that marker. Here's the right place to draw with that, which is going to go so much further, especially in the long run. Sure, it takes a few times to teach. Whatever. It's still going to get him so much further to know where that marker belongs, what to do with it, than if I were to just gone up there and said, you can't draw on the wall. Which one takes us back to the first place, the first point he can draw on the wall. He's already drawing on the wall. He's showing me he could draw on the wall. Why am I telling him he can't? And when I asked that to the community, they. They said, you know, we're trying to teach right from wrong. And I think this ties into this third point really well of teaching right from wrong is, you know, if you're going to call attention to all these wrongdoings and you sit there for so long and you stretch out that time and the wrongdoings with your kids, how often exactly are you teaching them the right thing to do? Like, are you approaching the wrong thing that they're doing as an opportunity to teach them the right thing to do, or are you just approaching the wrong thing that they're doing, saying you can't do that and leaving it as it is, Maybe scolding them? Negative, negative. You are statements. You never listen. You are making a huge mess. You are so messy, like saying things like that. Is that going to get you the outcome that you want. The answer is no. You're just doing what's easy rather than slowing down enough to walk into a situation where they're doing the wrong thing and saying, hey, this is my freaking chance to teach what I want you to do. Because right now you're showing me that you know the wrong thing to do. Great. We have a starting point. I don't need to spend any more time on the wrong thing to do. You've already. You're good at it. I want to teach you the right thing to do. So I put all of my attention and energy into the right thing to do. So that's point number three of reasons why I don't tell my kids you can't do something is because it calls attention to the thing I don't want them to do. I don't want them to think about it any longer, and I don't want to be in it any longer either. I want to be excited about them learning the right thing to do and getting us all working together and serving our home even better. So my fourth point, though, of why I don't say you can't to my kids is because I want them to learn quickly what I do want them to do. So points three and four really do tie in quite beautifully together. I want them to learn as. As quickly as possible what I do want them to do. If he already drew on the wall once with that marker, I would love to limit the chances that it's going to happen again. If I'm going to limit the chances that it's going to happen again, I need to put my energy, attention, and focus my mindfulness onto teaching my child what I want him to do with that marker. It's the same thing like people are saying, you know, I tell them they can't hit the dog. Well, they really can't hit the dog. You can't just hit the dog. Okay. Yes. And they're already hitting the dog, so technically they can hit the dog. You are approaching this with the wrong mentality. The wrong mentality. Your child doesn't understand the consequences of hitting a dog. If you want them to learn the consequences of hitting a dog, then teach them that. Don't just say, you can't hit the dog. Like, that doesn't. That doesn't land anywhere for them. It's not productive for them, and it feels very exhausting for you. So if you're teaching them about how to treat a dog, you walk up, you give some positive reinforcement. I love. I love this mentality. Positive reinforcement in the face of negative behavior. I love that. Like, how can I look at this negative behavior that they have and give them positive reinforcement to get them back on the track that I want them to be on as quickly as possible? I want them to learn to get back on the right track. So if I see my boys hitting each other, for example, I'm not going to walk up to them and say, you can't hit your brother. One, they can. They just showed me that they can. They're actually quite good at it. And two, they're already going to, you know, they're already hitting each other. So I don't want to call more attention to the hitting. I want to walk up, be that neutral for them, and say, wow, okay, it looks like we need to know what to do when we feel so angry because hands are for helping and hitting hurts. Like, if we approach it that way and we just instill that positive reinforcement. Yes, there's negative behavior of hitting. Go to positive reinforcement. Hands are for helping. Hitting hurts. Show me one helpful thing you can do with your hands right now. Great. That was a great choice. Now you show me one helpful thing you could do with your hands right now. Awesome. We're going in the right direction. Like, help them make a great choice, like, to get them out of that negative behavior. Get them out of it faster with those great choices with positive reinforcement, reinforcing who they really are. You are creative. You are outgoing. You are gosh imaginative. You are kind. You are thoughtful. The amount of times I say that to my kids in a day is. I mean, I would really be curious. I would love to count. I'm going to count tomorrow. I'm going to start fresh tomorrow. Ride out. Every single time I tell my kids a positive you are statement, it's abundant. No matter if they're doing something that I don't want them to do or something I do want them to do, I take it back to a positive you are statement because I want to instill in them, hey, this is who you really are. This is who you really are. And if you can believe this is who you are, I already know you will make better choices. Because people that believe that they are this kind of person do this kind of thing. And that goes both positively and negatively. So if you tell your kids you are messy, then they're going to believe I am someone that makes a mess. And if I tell my boys you are kind, then they're going to believe I am someone that does kind things because I'm kind. It's so amazing to implement. So this fourth point of, you know, I want them to learn as quickly as possible what I do want them to do. Go up. Go up to the dog. They're hitting the dog. Instead of saying, you can't hit the dog. You can pet the dog real soft. You can scratch his belly. You can. You can pat his nose really soft, like all of the things that you can do with this dog. And you'll be fascinating, fascinated, how quickly they change their behavior when they're feeling angry and they're screaming. You can't scream. Okay, well, they can because they are. They are. So instead, we can go up to them and say, when you feel angry, you can tell mommy, I feel so angry. And you put your emotion behind it, too, to give them that example, rather than saying, you can't scream. That is not helpful. It's not helpful for them. It doesn't teach them what they can do. They just feel more frustrated, like, okay, well, I can't scream. Screaming is the only thing that I really know how to do. It's the only thing I think to do in this moment with all these big emotions, and my mom's not freaking helping me learn what to do instead. So I'm just gonna start screaming again. Like, I feel even more frustrated, more overwhelmed now. So we can take it back to, hey, when you feel so angry, tell mommy, I feel so angry. And I promise I will help you every time. If you feel like you need to scream, let's scream into the pillow. Let's go outside and scream our favorite song. Screaming's not a bad thing. Yes, your ears hurt. And you can tell them that, hey, when you scream inside, that hurts mommy's ears. So when you feel angry, you tell me, I feel so angry, and I will help you get the pillow to scream into. Or we can go outside and we can scream our favorite song together. It's not you against your child. It's not even you against their emotions or you against their behaviors. No. There's a problem that comes up, and they don't know how to work through those emotions. They don't know how to have better behaviors. They don't know. They. They don't know the vision, the right direction to go in. So that's the problem is giving them the right vision, giving them the right direction, giving them the right tools. And that is what I am so passionate about teaching you as the mother is because I know you're the key to the home. You're the key to the family. If I can touch you If I can teach you these things, then you'll be able to teach them to your kids. You'll be able to set a different example for your spouse, for your friends, for, I mean, your family members, the generations before you that you say screwed you up so badly. Gosh, what if you could walk around as, like, the ultimate example for them that they look up to you? I just think that's remarkable. It's completely possible for you, and mindset is an enormous, enormous part of it. Before you go changing any of your behaviors, you have to change your thoughts. You have to. You have to change who you believe you are. So I hope this episode of why I don't say you can't to my kids was helpful to you. You take these four points, you apply them to your home. Just a quick recap. Number one, nine times out of ten, they actually can. Number two, negative self talk is a burden that every human carries. So it's your job to help lighten the burden, not add to it. Number three, it just calls more attention to the thing you don't want them to do. And number four, we want our kids to learn quickly what to do. So that means we have to put our focus and energy into that. I adore you guys. You're freaking awesome. Way to just put in the work. Show up as the mom you want to be and, you know, move freaking mountains. I just think it's so exciting. Way to go. I'll see you soon. Oh, my sweet friend, thank you for joining me on this week's episode of momset podcast. Please take a minute to leave a review and share the show. If you loved it, I'd love to stay connected as we continue to learn and grow in motherhood right alongside each other.