119. Trapped in the Dark Room: The Truth About Asking for Help as a Mom

Welcome to the momset podcast, my friend. I'm your coach, Tessa Romero, and as a woman of God, an adoring wife, and a mother of three darling boys, I am passionate about giving you the tools you need to build a mindset skill set that enriches your experience through motherhood and daily life. I've had my fair share of challenges and hardship throughout my life, and that is exactly how I came to this place of finding purpose to my pain and helping you do the same. I know we can thrive right where we are at, and it's time for us to take back motherhood by being the mommy that we want to be right right now. Thank you for being here and making this a wonderful place for me to show up alongside you. Do you ever feel like you are just locked in a dark room holding a screaming baby? Your heart is racing, your chest feels tight, there is just surges of energy going through your limbs and you feel like you're going to kind of crawl out of your skin in this dark room and the door's locked, like you're just kind of stuck in there. If you ever have those days and those literal moments. As a mom, I have a story that, that I really hope sheds some good hope and some good light on what we could be doing differently, because that is exactly where I found myself just earlier this week. And I'm going to share it with you in story form so you can kind of see what I do when I'm in those moments and the wonderful perspective that I was able to find as I was working out of that moment. So earlier this week, it was early in the morning, my husband left to the gym to go work out. And, you know, I felt great about that. I had already done my morning routine and that's just part of our flow with each other. I work at home, he goes to a gym, and our kids are starting to wake up. And again, I did all my stuff. I'm ready for the day. Let's go. So he leaves. We're having a great morning. And as I'm, you know, having this really just wonderful morning that was also productive, I a little bit lost track of time and it's about 15 minutes later than I was anticipating to put my 4 month old to sleep for his first nap. And he's crying and then I'm like, I wonder why he's so fussy. And then I look at the clock and I'm like, oh, it's because you need to go down for a nap. So I let my three other Boys know, hey, I'm gonna go put the baby to sleep. And they're very familiar with this routine. It's been going on for four months now. So they're just playing. All is well. I take the baby into the room, I turn off the light, I turn on the sound machine. I put him in his little sleep suit. And I knew already, all right, when a baby feels overtired, this can take a little bit longer. Like, logically, I already knew all these things. And again, I felt really great. And I start trying to put him to sleep. And my four year, my four month old doesn't really like binkies, pacifiers. So I am just doing air squats. I'm walking around the room, I'm singing a song. And he is getting more and more frustrated, more and more worked up in this situation that we're in. And I. I'm doing my best to hold out, like, you know, he's gonna fall asleep. I just need to last one minute longer than him. I'm using the mindset tools that I love to use, and that helped me so much. And I'm feeling really great. And then he's arching and he's pushing away from me and he's squirming his body. Like when your baby just gets to this point of feeling so exhausted, they fight the sleep, just physically, emotionally, they're fighting it. And I know these things. And even though I know these things and logically, I have these to help with my mindset, I still found myself becoming dysregulated. And for me, when I become dysregulated, that's when I know, okay, my heart is starting to race. I have this energy starting to surge through my arms and my legs. And I really need to do something different because it's so easy to act on that. And what we want to do is build up our awareness to know when it's happening. Because the point in understanding how to regulate yourself is not. So you never become dysregulated. Right. The point in understanding how to regulate yourself is so that when you become dysregulated, you know what to do about it. And what I decided to do because I could feel this happening in my body and I could feel my mind. I can rec. I could recognize that my mind was starting to come up with these negative thoughts. And it was starting to say things like, of course my husband's at the gym right now and he's taking so long. There's no way that he's working out this long. It's already been, oh, just over an hour. And I know his workouts, they're not this long. I'm going to get a gym membership. That's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna get a gym membership so I can leave and be gone this long. And I caught these negative thoughts. And fortunately, I still had a state of consciousness where I knew those were incorrect, those were false, those were negative. They're not true about my life. The truth is, I want my husband to work out. I want him to go to the gym and get a better workout because he has a hard time working out at home. And that's valid. I want him to do that. I want him to socialize. I want him to have a great social life. I want him to. To feel like his cup is full before he watches the boys for me while I work. I want him to have this time because I know my time to work is coming, and I've already done my morning routine. So logically, that's what I know to be true. That's the marriage that I'm in. And my mind still had those negative thoughts. My body was feeling the surge of just energy, and I needed to do something different for myself just to best serve my baby and best serve myself. So my baby's still crying. I lay him in the crib, and I give myself two minutes. This is something I've done with all of my kids when I have felt just, like, really frustrated trying to get them to sleep. To me, it's better to just give them the time to. To lay there and cry for two minutes and let myself walk away so that I can better show up as the mom I want them to have. And I've got to know my own limits. And I had reached my limit. So I lay them down, I walk out of the room. I'm shaking out my arms. I do a few jumping squats. I'm outside the door of there, and I'm, like, walking around my kitchen counter a few times. It had literally been about a couple of minutes, and my body already felt so much better because I gave it the opportunity to have to move that energy around. How much energy can you really move around while you're holding a baby? Not a whole lot, especially when it feels really intense. So I want to encourage you, too. If there's a time where you feel like I've reached my limit, honor that and let your body have an opportunity to move that energy around. So. So after just two minutes, I go back in the room, I pick him up I'm feeling more centered. I shut the door. I'm in the dark room again. And I'm walking around singing a song again. He doesn't want the binky. I'm doing air squats. And then my 2 year old opens the door. There's lots of light out there. And my two year old opens the door and he's asking me questions about where to find a book. And I'm calmly explaining to him the book is in the living room. Right now I'm putting baby Jake to sleep. Shut the door and I will come out when I'm done. No, I'm not shutting the door. Okay. Right now I'm putting baby Jake to sleep. Go get your book and I will come read it to you when baby Jake is asleep. And I'm like going through this process. And that probably took, honestly, in reality, just over a minute. It felt much longer than that, though, in the process. So he finally shuts the door and I'm just feeling like, oh my goodness. And then he comes in again asking like, similar things. And I'm like, bud, I'm putting the baby to sleep. I will come out there and play with you after the baby's asleep. Go play with your brothers. No. Okay. And then I just, I turn and I keep my attention and focus on the baby. And then he decided to shut the door himself that time. Well, at that point, you know, I'm feeling frustrated still. I'm not completely regulated. I just gave myself an opportunity to get some regulation in, have a more clear mind. And I'm doing a great job keeping it together for that moment. And then I hear the garage open. So I knew my husband was home, so I decided to lock the door. That way my toddler would stay out of the room, I would get the baby to sleep. And now he can just be with his dad. And I'm still trying to get the baby to sleep. Baby just stops crying, like, just barely stopped crying. And I decided to walk around, really get him to sleep. And right where I was at, walking lined up perfectly with the crack in the door and. And my husband unlocked the door and opened it. And a stream of light went directly, it was just by chance, directly onto my baby's eyes. And his eyes shot open again. And I just felt like, oh, my goodness. I. Oh my goodness, I just want my baby to go to sleep. I need. I need to get out of this room. I need to have a break from this. Like, I am already at my limit. And then you just opened the door and I'm thinking these things, and I just look at my husband and I said, I really need you to shut the door before I say something out of frustration that I really don't mean. I was like, I'm already feeling frustrated. Please shut the door. He shuts the door. I lock it behind him. And in my mind I'm thinking, you know, the door is shut and it's locked and he still freaking opened it. Like, if the door is locked, don't open it. And then my mind went right back to those negative thoughts of, he gets an hour and a half at the gym. I know he did not work out for an hour and a half. He's probably just chatting with people the whole time. Didn't even work out. And I was just dead set on this. The story I was telling myself, well, that's still not the wife, the wife I want to be. And sometimes we find ourselves there. And that's where I was at. So the baby's finally asleep. I laid the baby down. It was a successful transfer from my arms to the crib. Get him laid down. I. I come out of the room and I knew I still needed some time. Like, I wasn't ready to just jump right into my boys homeschool. I needed to give myself a little bit of time to just recenter refocus. And I was still feeling frustrated that my husband opened the door and I already had it locked. I was feeling frustrated about that. And then my mind was just really set on this idea that he wasn't really working out the whole time. So I went, you guys brace yourselves for this. This is what I did. I went into the bathroom and he's taking a shower. And I looked at his watch because I knew that he would track his workout on his watch and that he would end the watch workout when he was done with his workout so that his heart rate and stuff didn't get messed up in the workout interval. This is how, like, low I got. I was like, I'm just gonna see how freaking long his workout really was. Then I'm just gonna look for the facts. I look at his workout and it says that he ran over four miles on his watch. And I was like, oh. Like, I felt so, like, fact checked. Like, I just. It was just such a humbling moment where I was like, well, you know, maybe he really did work out. Who knows? And then my mind was still like, well, even then, that doesn't take 90 minutes. Okay? That doesn't take that long. And I just knew, like, the what the day I want to have with my kids. The day I want to have with my spouse at 9am right now is just different than this. I want it to be different than this. So no matter what, no matter what, I want my husband to be healthy. I want him to work out the gym. I want him to have a social life. So even if he spent all of his gym time talking with somebody, so be it. If that's how he wants to spend time in the gym, so be it. And I declared that to myself. And then I went and sat on our back steps so I could just be in the cold air because I still needed to regulate bad so I could just be in the cold air and just feel the sun on me. As we've gotten to these winter months, that really impacts me. I'm like such a sunshine girl. And it's been really cold. And we have a baby, so we're inside more. And anyway, so I'm sitting on the steps, I feel the sun just beating on my head. It felt so good. And the cold air is on my skin, like on my face. I'm breathing in and I feel this cold air in my lungs. Oh, it was like magic. And I was out there. And it was probably like two minutes in, but it dawned on me this. This perspective that I hadn't considered because I was kind of replaying it in my head, really trying to figure out what happened because I was so far out of alignment with who I wanted to be. The attitude that I want to have when putting my baby to sleep, like I was far out of alignment with the attitude that I want to have when my husband offers to help or he gets home from the gym. Like, I honestly want to be able to ask him, how was your workout? And take genuine interest and support him and encourage him and be excited about what he's pursuing. I want to be that kind of wife. And I knew I wasn't there. So I was just like, logically, logically, I knew everything was going as it should. Once I got to the steps, I knew the morning was going exactly as it should. And I just evaluated reality and accepted. Reality is as it should be. My husband should work out just like he did. My toddler should ask me for what he needs just like he did. My baby should have a difficult time falling asleep sometimes, just like he did. And then I had and I understood. It's this victim mentality, screaming, why me? Why am I the one home while he gets to go to the gym? Why am I the one putting the baby to sleep? Why Am I the one that has to answer the toddler's questions? Why me? Why me? Why me? And that victim mentality is really coming in, as if my husband, the toddler, the baby were all happening to me. And then it hit me. Then it hit me. And this is what I want you to just ponder sometimes, if you ever feel like how I started this episode. You're the one in the dark room with the screaming baby. You're the one feeling dysregulated. You're the one doing all these hard things. This perspective hit me. I'm the one that went into the dark room and closed the door, and then I locked myself in there. And even when my husband came and offered to put the baby to sleep right when he got home from the gym, because that's the kind of husband I have. That's the kind of father my kids have. That's who he is. That's what he does. And even when he did that, I snapped at him and told him to close the door. And then I locked it again. Putting. Keeping myself in that dark room, keeping myself with that screaming baby, making sure I stay in there by locking the door. And it's just. It was so interesting to me to understand that it was me. I'm the one that did all of that. And honestly, even if my husband weren't there to, like, tap in, tap out kind of situation, I'm very fortunate that the timing worked out that way. And even if he weren't there to do that, I'm still the one that wants to put the baby to sleep. I'm still the one that decided to keep going instead of saying, you know, let's go walk around the kitchen a few times, then come back into the room and try again. I don't have to completely abandon nap time. I could take a different approach, though. I'm the one that decided to stay in the. In the dark room. I'm the one that decided to lock the door. And just having that ownership, it helped me see what is in my control. And then I started wondering when I know I'm having a difficult time, why do I keep myself in a dark room and lock the door? Why do I refuse the help? And it reminded me of the story. There's that old story. I'm sure you've heard it. It's of the man waiting for God to save him. And he' like in the ocean, treading water, feeling exhausted. And a. And a boat comes up and they say, here, let us save you. And he says, no, thank you. God's going to save me. And the boat says, all right. They take off. They sail away. Not while. Not long after, another boat comes. They say, here, we'll. We'll save you. Grab onto this raft. They throw him a raft. They say, no. He says, no, no, no, thank you. God's going to save me. I'm waiting for God to save me. And then a third time, another boat comes. Another amazing Samaritan decides to. To try and help this man basically about to drown in the ocean. And he says, here, take my hand. Come into my boat. Let me save you. No, no. God's gonna save me. No, thank you. Be on your way. God is going to save me. Well, eventually, the man drowned in the ocean. And when he got to heaven, he asked God, why didn't you save me? God respent. God responded, I sent you three different boats. Three different boats. I sent you. And then I thought about myself in that situation, and there was my husband opening the door. Here, let me help you. No, no, no. And it's. It's just so interesting that we deny the help that's being offered to us very frequently as moms. And maybe it doesn't look as we think it should. Instead of just accepting things are as they should be. And if this. If this is the help I'm meant to have, this is what it should look like. And it can look different than what I was anticipating. It can look different than what I thought and be better than I imagine. So if you are someone, you know, that feels like you're in this type of dynamic, maybe it's a moment you just had trying to put your baby to sleep, or maybe it's just the way life feels right now. I want to encourage you. We must be willing to scrutinize our own thoughts. If you go through the story and really pick it apart, what did I do? I scrutinized my own thoughts. I don't control everything I think. I don't control every way I feel. I like to think that I get to control everything I do. I like to think that I get to control the final say I'm going to have what I choose to say to others. And sometimes it feels really hard to bite the life out of your tongue. I get that. I get that. And I like to think those are the things actually in my control. I don't get to control everything I think because I have a whole subconscious mind. And sometimes that's going to flood in with all the thoughts of, he shouldn't take 90 minutes and blah, blah, blah. I should be the one going to the gym. Honestly guys, I don't want to the freaking gym. I want to work out in my basement. I want to have just a 30 minute effective walk downstairs, do a 30 minute workout, walk back upstairs, get me out of this. Driving away from my home and waiting for equipment to be ready in someone else's space and the germs there. No thanks, I'm good. I'll just work out at home then. I get more time to read. I get more time to sit and snuggle and be comfy in my own home. So this first step, there are three steps you really need to take. The first one, you must be willing to scrutinize your own thoughts. We've got to accept the fact that sometimes our thoughts are wrong. Sometimes they're ugly, sometimes they're unhelpful, sometimes they're untrue, sometimes they're just completely unnecessary. And that's okay because it's not you as a person that's wrong. It's not you as a person that's ugly or unhelpful or unnecessary or unkind. That's not who you are as a person. Those were the thoughts you were having. Separate yourself, scrutinize the thoughts. Allow yourself to say, that is completely and wildly untrue. That is so unnecessary to be thinking right now. Talk to yourself a little bit. It's very beneficial. The second thing we must be willing to do is recognize and regulate our body. When I'm holding my baby, it's not my baby's fault. When I, when I feel dysregulated, that's not my baby's fault. My baby is doing exactly what my baby should do. Depending on me to help. Right? Let it laying it all out there, letting me know exactly how the little guy feels. What exactly is going on with him? Doing his best to communicate. He doesn't have words yet, he just has cries, a couple of coos in there, some giggles occasionally and cries. That's what he has to work with. And he's doing the best he can to work with that. So it's up to me to be willing to recognize how I feel and regulate it. If it means taking two minutes away to give myself a chance to be in a better state, to show up for my baby and be the mom I want my baby to have, yes, so be it. If it means sitting on my back steps recognizing I still need to regulate than doing that. You must be willing to recognize and regulate your body. It's your Responsibility, nobody else's. And the third thing is we must be willing to accept help that is offered. Even if it looks different than you would prefer. Even if it looks different than you thought it would be. It can be better than you imagine. That's one of my. That's one of my favorite perspectives. It's kind of like a little hook that I. That I put to help steer my mind in the direction I want to go in. Is, this is different than I thought and probably better than I imagined. That's okay. This tantrum is different than I thought. Probably better than I imagined, though. My. My husband offering to help. My husband saying, hey, I'll make dinner, or maybe I burned the bagels. Different than I thought. Probably better than I imagined, though. Just letting myself have this opportunity to see the good, to focus on what else is possible. What else is there besides all the doom and gloom and hard and. And difficulty? There's more than all of that. So if you do these three things and you do them really well, you'll notice remarkable changes. Number one, scrutinize your own thoughts. Number two, recognize and regulate your body, those emotions. Number three, be willing to accept the help that is offered. You gotta. You gotta, man. If someone opens that. That door that you locked yourself in there, they open that door, say, hey, I'll put the baby to sleep. Thank you so much. I would love that. Thank you for offering to help. That means a lot to me. Here you go. That would be great. You know, you're rage cleaning the house and they say, here, how can we help? No, no, don't help me. I've got it. Hey, stop it. Stop right there. You want the help you get out of that? You realize we scrutinized our own thoughts. We're going to recognize and regulate our own body. And then when that help is offered, we accept. I would love your help cleaning up. I would like to actually go clean up the stairs so that I could just have a minute to myself to regroup. Can you take over the kitchen? What if we just communicate like that? How much would change? So if you're someone feeling locked in a dark room with a screaming baby, it's really worth asking who put me here? Not to blame yourself or to feel ashamed that you're there in the first place. No, we want to recognize that we put ourselves there just to realize there's more that you can do to leave the room and make a change. If you are the one that put yourself there in the first place, if someone else forced you into that Room locked. You deadbolted it, put the chain on. How much control do you have of leaving the room doing something different? Not much. If your baby made you in there, made you be in there with him, oh man, he can make you stay. And then when do you get to decide to leave? This whole makes me idea has got to go. It's got to go. We must be willing to say, I'm the one that decided to come in here for nap time. I'm the one that decided to do it this way. Which means I'm also the one that can decide to leave or come back. I'm the one that can decide to do it another way. Let's go take a few laps in the kitchen, kiddo. You know, a couple more minutes, we'll do us both a lot of good and then we'll come back in here and try again. Giving yourself the opportunity to do that. So if you're the one that put yourself in the room, it's not for guilt and shame. It's truly for ownership and empowerment so you can do something different and find yourself in a place that you would much rather be. So you know me, I'm here cheering you on and with tools to teach you to be a strong minded mother through emotional regulation and having a really just strong mindset. Being able to recognize those thoughts that just aren't serving you. So I hope you'll hang out here with me a bit more. We can continue learning, growing and becoming better together. That's what I love most and I just hope you know you'll take one or two of these words of what you caught from this episode and apply it to your day today. Oh, my sweet friend. Thank you for joining me on this week's episode of the momset podcast. Please take a minute to leave a review and share the show. If you loved it, I'd love to stay connected as we continue to learn and grow in motherhood right alongside each other.