120. This 5-Minute Daily Habit Can Transform Your Marriage (and Your Mindset)

Welcome back. Welcome back, my sweet friends. This writing practice that I'm going to teach you today has been transformative for my marriage and several of the women that I coach through. This is an exercise that I give them to actually increase the amount of appreciation that they have for their spouse, change communication styles and overall just increase that enjoyment that you're having with your spouse. Because sometimes it feels like you've kind of hit a rut in your marriage. You, your perspective has gone sour towards them and you really just need to smack the reset button and find a way to renew yourself, restore yourself as a wife and renew your perspective of your spouse, who absolutely is doing the very best he can to his mental and physical capacity, just like you. And as people, we do better when we feel appreciated, we do better when we feel valued, when we feel safe, seen when we feel acknowledged, especially in our own home. So we as wives have this remarkable opportunity to be the wife that focuses and emphasizes those things in our marriage. So if you want to be a wife that appreciates her spouse, sees the good in him, and is the endless encourager, no matter the season that you're in, and has tremendous amounts of grace through all the transitions that you may face together, then this is a writing practice you absolutely want to do. This is called our appreciation writing and we do it in terms of an appreciation challenge, if you're in my membership group. So I'll walk you through this. Earlier this year in June, I was expecting our fourth baby on the way. I was about 37 weeks pregnant and my husband was going to a family reunion in Montana, which was an 11 hour car ride, and he decided to take our two older boys while I stayed back with our on almost two year old now. I thought it was fascinating that my husband just had this eager beaver attitude about taking our two older boys, who were 6 and 4 on an 11 hour car ride. I mean, personally, when I thought about loading my kids, my two boys up and taking them on an 11 hour road trip, it just didn't sound as easy as he was making it seem. So it really fascinated me. I was like, oh my gosh, he has a great attitude about this and I just really appreciate that he's willing to still go to this family reunion and he's willing to take two of our kids and have an incredible attitude about it. I was just feeling flooded with appreciation and it got me thinking about how, you know, we're about to be welcoming our fourth son and through every transition that we've had, welcoming a new baby into Our family as we've experienced that there's been difficulty and there's been challenge. And as a wife and as a mother, sometimes I find it difficult to balance where I'm putting my energy and where I'm putting my attention and what I'm really prioritizing. I mean, sometimes I totally take my kids sides over my husband's. Especially when I'm early postpartum, I can be really sensitive of my kids and that can put a strain on my marriage. So knowing these things about myself, having the self awareness of where I could totally be improving myself. I wanted to go into my fourth season of postpartum and welcoming our fourth baby and make it our best experience yet. I didn't know how I was going to do that. I just knew that I wanted to do it. So I decided that while my husband was gone, it was the first night that he was gone and we had been texting back and forth all day while he was making this road trip with the boys. He sent me pictures. I had this little black journal that I hadn't written in yet. I hadn't used it for anything. And I decided to take all this appreciation that I was feeling and just this fact fascination of the father that he is and write it down. So I got out that journal and I wrote the date and it was in June. And I wrote Dear Marcus. And I wrote about how he's on this road trip with the boys and how I just so appreciate that he had an incredible attitude and just loaded the kids up with this idea of how hard could it be. And it really inspired me. And then I just wrote about how much I appreciate him and I love him and I hope they have a great time and I miss him and. And I even. I loved it so much that I decided to do it the next night too while he was still gone. He was gone for about five nights and I did it the next night too. And the next night I wrote about how much I appreciate how safe I feel when he's home and how much better I sleep when he's home with me and in bed with me. And I wrote the details about how I had our dog in our bed, which I do not like my dog in the bed and I also don't like sleeping by myself. So I was just writing out how, you know, the dog is in the bed with me because I just want to feel more safe. And sometimes I take for granted how safe I feel having him in bed with me. So I appreciate how safe I feel with him. Well, I continued to do this for the five days that he was gone. And I noticed that my attitude, my perspective about him the whole time he was gone was just elevated. I felt so wonderful, just appreciative the whole time. Even though I was still home with our 2 year old and I was 37 weeks pregnant and some things would have been easier to have him home for, my mind just stayed so focused on the appreciation I have for him and noticing the things that he does for our family when he is home and available to me and accessible when I need something done like it was. It was a wonderful way to spend that time instead of just wallowing in this victim mentality of, of course I have to stay home with the two year old and I'm the one that's so pregnant. He shouldn't be leaving when I'm this pregnant with. When the reality is he's missed the last three family reunions because we continuously have babies in the summer months and the family reunion just happened to be planned at the same time as those. And I really wanted him to go. I wanted my two older boys to have the experience of going out on the four wheelers and fishing and being in one house with all of the family and making all the meals and being with their cousins and letting my husband have that opportunity too, really mattered to me. And I didn't want my mind to just lose sight and focus of that because it's important. Like, I would rather him have those five days with his family and these lifelong memories with our sons and all of his family than just be home those five days with me. Like, I want that and I can own that. And if you're someone listening to this, like, yes, I want my husband to have experiences like that. I want him to build memories with his family members and have opportunities to have time with some of our kids, just the two of them. And even though it may not be the most convenient thing for me, I want to be supportive of that. This appreciation writing will keep your mind focused on the truth. The truth is, this is the life you want to be. These are the experiences that you want your kids to have. This is the type of encouragement that you want to be able to offer to your husband. So the whole time that he was gone, I was writing in this journal. And then when he finally came home on the fifth day, I was just like, I was able to greet him and welcome him back in the way that is just so aligned with who I want to be. I mean, I was giddy, I was excited, I Was helping to unload things, bring things in, just hanging on him like, I missed you. And it felt so good to know. Here I am now, 38 weeks pregnant. We're about to be welcoming our fourth baby, and this is the state my marriage is in. This feels incredible. I love that we are growing our family, and this is where we're at right now. And I decided from there to just keep writing. Keep writing those little Dear Marcus letters of appreciation every night before bed. And he never knew that I was doing it either. I never told him that I was writing these letters. It was just something that I wanted to do. I knew the postpartum experience that I wanted to have, and that this time I really wanted to put my best foot forward in my marriage. Because when my marriage is smooth sailing and thriving and we're giggling together and we're seeing each other and we're acknowledging each other's efforts, everything else just seems so much easier too. So that's why I wanted to do it, and I continuously did it. And we're gonna talk about some of the concerns that may come to mind for you right now of, like, you know, why should I write it for him if he's not writing it for me? And I'll talk you through that, because that is a perspective piece that you really need to have a good hold on in order to have authentic letters of appreciation towards your spouse and get the full benefit out of this. So we'll talk about that in a minute. Um, and anyway, I just kept doing these letters of appreciation and, guys. So my husband didn't know that I was doing this. And then one day, I was. Geez, like, three months postpartum, I'd still been writing these letters a little bit more inconsistently, just trying to find our footing with a new routine, a different season that we're in, and finding the timing for everything, honestly. And it was still very much a priority of mine. So I did it several times a week, just not every day. And one day, I decided to write a similar thing for my boys. So I got out three pieces of paper, and I wrote, dear Liam, I appreciate you being such a wonderful example to your older. To your younger brothers. Thank you for being so helpful and noticing what you're doing when you can step in and do something for me. And I wrote each of my boys, Liam, Luke, and Drew, 6, 4, and 2 years old, a little note, and I put it at their spots that they sit in the morning at our countertop. And then I went to bed. And the next morning, My kids wake up, they see these notes right where they're. Where they sit in the morning. And they were so excited. This is the first time that I had done that. They were so excited. They bring me these notes that I wrote. They asked me to read that to them and I read it to them and, and it was just such a great start to the day. And then my 6 year old said, mom, where's dad's letter? And I said, well, I only wrote one for you boys last night. And I saw this look in my husband's eyes, like he had this look on his face where he is, I mean, the most supportive husband for me. And I mean, just as like a father to our children. He, like, checks all of my dreamy boxes that I could ever want. And there are times that we've had conversations where it just feels like I give the boys a lot more attention and I think of them a lot more than I do for him. And that's something that, you know, again, I'm building my awareness as a wife. I'm trying really hard to correct that the best I can and to be more thoughtful of him. And we've had conversations like that in the past. And when I saw the look on his face, I just was like, dang. Like that would hurt. Like, if my husband had done that for each of our boys, I totally would have wanted one myself. And I just kind of stood there a little bit stumped and acknowledging like that is hard. And my 6 year old has a really good point, like, why would you do this for all of us and not him? Like, why would he be excluded? And it just felt so good in that moment to know I have something better. I have something better than that. And because I'd never told him about the letters of appreciation I was writing for him, I never told him about it because it wasn't for him. I never started writing those letters of appreciation with the idea of, I'm going to give him this book. I always wrote the letters of appreciation with a perspective of I want to see the best in him, I want to think the best of my husband, I want to remember all the things that he does do. And I want to pay close attention to what he is doing to get my mind out of this idea that I'm doing more than him or he should be doing more or why didn't he think of this? Like just those. It almost feels like thoughts that set you up for failure. I wanted to avoid those types of thoughts, especially going into postpartum. So I Always wrote these letters so that I could be the wife I wanted to be, not so my husband could read them as, like a pick me up if he was ever feeling down. Although that's a kind thing, too. That wasn't my intention. My intention was to be a wife that pays attention. And there were absolutely some nights that I went to write the letter of appreciation, and maybe we got in an argument that day, or I just wasn't paying very close attention to my husband. And I'd open that blank page and I'd write, dear Marcus. And my mind would be blank for, like, two whole minutes. My mind would be blank of what do I appreciate? What did he do today? What did I notice? What do I want to say that I. I love that he does or give a specific example of something? And when on the days that my mind was blank, I knew that's a me issue. That's not a him thing. That's me not paying attention. That's me thinking that he should be doing more of something different than he was doing. So I had the wrong perspective of this day, or I'm holding on to that one little argument that we had instead of seeing the bigger picture of our relationship and the way that we repair and move forward together, because that's just who we are as a couple. And those. Those nights that it felt really difficult to write what I appreciated about him, they were very eye opening for me. Like, seriously, Tessa, you can't think of one thing to appreciate about your husband of 10 years right now that says something about you? It sure does. And it was, again, very eye opening for me. So in that when my son was like, mom, where's dad's letter? And I caught that look on his face of. Not that he was expecting one, just, yeah, you boys got one. And I didn't. And it's just. I would feel the same way. And I looked at him and I said, I write you more letters than anyone else in this house. And he just looks at me like, no idea what you're talking about. And in that moment, I decided, I'm showing him the book. And I didn't want to show him the book because, again, the book was for me. It was never about, like, one upping him or putting this pressure, this expectation that he does this for me, too. It was. It was always supposed to just be a focus point for me. Um, and it helped so much. And just me feeling wonderful as a wife and keeping that good perspective. And in that moment, I just really wanted to show him, like, I'M paying attention and I'm trying really hard. And even if this isn't something we've talked about, it is something that I decided to do on my own. So I say, I write you more letters than anyone else in this house. He looks at me like, what are you talking about? Okay, sure. And then I go into the living room and I get out the little black book and I walk right up to him and I pass it to him. And he opens it upside down first. So he's opening the back of the book, which is blank, and then he turns it right side and he opens it right to the middle, which, no clue why you'd do that. That was also blank. And now here he is opening the book two times. It's completely blank. I'm like, well, this is not exactly how I expected this to go. And I'm just standing there. And then he finally figures it out to flip through the pages and get closer to the beginning of the book. Because at this point I had written like 108 letters. Um, and the book itself has like 300 and something pages. Like it's there, it's like a thick, small journal. And he gets closer to the beginning and then he starts flipping through the page that have all the writing and he can see all the times it says, dear Marcus. Dear Marcus. Dear Marcus. Dear Marcus. Dear Marcus. And there's 108 letters right there. And they all say something that I appreciate about him and they take notice of who he is, what he does, who he is to me, what I admire about him, the way that he helps me, his strengths. There are so many strengths. And for maybe the third time in my entire marriage, my husband got very emotional and, and just that seeing that kind of reaction out of him, it completely took me by surprise. Like, I never thought that he would love it like that. I never thought that this little book of appreciation would mean that much to him too. And he looked at me teary eyed and said, I have never felt so appreciated in my entire life. And mind you, he didn't even like stop to read a page. He said that it wasn't about like sitting down to acknowledge exactly what I appreciate. It's. It's the fact that I've been doing this without him even knowing this whole time. And then I'm able to give it to him and sincerely show him, like, I appreciate you and seeing the best in you matters to me. And I want to be someone that you seek, you see encouragement from, not someone that you see downfalls and shortcomings and you're constantly told to work on something like, that's not who I want to be. And he was so emotional about it. He gave me just this wonderful hug. And it is for sure like one of the top five moments of my entire marriage. I could replay that moment over and over and over and I just want to hold on to it for dear life, for the rest of my life. It's. It's just so wonderful. And that's why I want to encourage you to start an appreciation journal for your spouse. Don't do it because you want them to do it in return or while if they want to do it in return, that's great. The point and purpose of it isn't for you to get something from them, it's to give something to them. It's to see what you can get out of this and more from this experience of just guiding your mind to see what it is that your spouse is already doing. And deciding to be a wife that meets her spouse right where he's at and being a real teammate right there. Rather than saying, you know, I'll be kind when you meet me over here, I'll start appreciating you when you do xyz. Like, why wait to start appreciating him? Why wait to start being kind? If you want to pour good effort into your marriage, you can start doing it right now. And this appreciation journaling is a wonderful way to do it. So appreciation focuses your mind to gratitude, which releases serotonin, and that's associated with feelings of happiness and well being and, and dopamine, which is associated with feelings of motivation and reward. And that's what's happening when you're doing this appreciation writing. So emotionally you're experiencing tremendous benefit yourself. And when you give your mind this focus on what they are doing, which is a lot, there's a lot to choose from that your spouse is doing. It's just a matter if you've been paying attention. And rather than the one or two things they aren't doing, you can have this great focus on what they are doing and you will have a better attitude around them with this focus. And when we have a better attitude around people, they can feel that from us. Our spouse can feel when we have a bad attitude about them, when we're not paying attention to what they are doing, when we're nitpicking, when we're nagging, when we're complaining, when we're blaming them for why things are the way they are, they can feel all of that even if you're only thinking it. So we want to make sure that even at a thought level, you are keeping a great perspective of your spouse. So just remember, as you do this, though, it's not for them, it's for you. So if you have this thought of, like, why should I do it if he isn't doing it first? I have a question. Do you only do good deeds for those that do them for you first? Is that the only people that you want to serve are the people that serve you first? No. No. We serve because it's who we are. We do good deeds because it's who we are, not because of what we're trying to get out of it or get people to do for us. It's just the way we want to see life. It's the way we want to feel every day. It's the person we just want to know that we are. No matter who we're with or where we go, it matters. So instead of what you get out of it, I want you to look at what you get from it. You're showing up as the. As the wife you want to be, the one you can picture in your head that is lovely and gracious and encouraging and safe to connect with. And this writing isn't so he knows you appreciate him. It's to remember that you appreciate him. And then if he ever finds the book, if he ever gets curious and opens it, what do you have to fear? It's a book about how much you appreciate him. I. I mean, I was leaving my book out. I'm like, read it, please. And he never opened it. And I'm like, well, all right, that's fine. But, you know, it. It wouldn't have done anything. Any. It wouldn't have any negative consequence for him to read it. It didn't have any negative consequence for me to give it to him. It just strengthened my marriage, and it strengthens my perspective every single day of my spouse. So I want to give you some ideas. If you're, like, really intrigued by this idea of doing a daily writing practice of appreciation towards your spouse, I want to give you some encouragement. First of all, I only write one page, and it takes me six minutes to fill a page. So, again, this is a small journal that I'm using, my normal journal that I write in every day for, like, vision writing, alignment journaling. It takes me about 25 minutes to fill a page. So you can. You can kind of get a comparison in your head of, like, okay. Tessa's appreciation journal is pretty Small. And that's okay because it just takes a little bit. It just takes a little bit of time, a little bit of focus, a little bit of effort to make a big difference in your marriage. So, yes, I only do that writing for about six minutes to fill that page. Right now, I'm doing it in the morning. I just do my vision writing for that morning, and then I write my letter of appreciation to my spouse, and then I move into my workout. So it's part of my morning routine. If you pick up this practice, you can do it before bed, just like I was doing. You can do it when you sit down to eat lunch. You can do it when you sit down to drink your morning coffee. Just write out that six minutes of appreciation. Keep it in your car. And maybe before you leave your car to go to work or drop your kids off or whatever you do, if you have a consistent time in your car each day, write out your letter of appreciation. Put this somewhere, like, stack it into something that you're already doing if you want to build a habit out of it. And it doesn't have to take long. Six minutes, five minutes. I mean, if you have a really small notebook, four minutes, something, something to get you started in this direction will make a big difference. So there's that part. Remember, this is for you. It's not for them. It's not a competition. It's not a one more thing you have to do. You're doing this so you can finally feel like the wife you want to be like, if you really look at it, if you just write the six minutes of appreciation each day, the amount of resentment you've been feeling, the amount of control you've been trying to have over your spouse, and the nagging, the complaining, the expectations you've been holding over your spouse will drastically start to decrease because your entire focus of them is going to a very intentional area of appreciation. And that makes a big difference. So instead of looking at it as one more thing you have to do, you can look at it as. Look at all the things I'll stop doing if I just do this one thing. Look at everything else that will get easier. All of the burdens that will lift from me, all of the things that will lighten the habits, the tendencies that will start to fade if I just add in this one thing, that could be a really powerful perspective for you. Now let's start talking about what you can appreciate about your spouse. Sometimes that can feel a little bit tricky to get started with, especially if this is a new practice. For you. So I just want to prompt you a little bit when you think about what you can write in these letters of appreciation. I like to write the date at the top of my page and then write dear Marcus. That's my husband's name. So you can write dear your spouse. Put a comma, go one line down, just good old letter format. And then you can just ask yourself, pay attention to what they said that day. Was there something your spouse said that day that you appreciated? Did they say something like maybe they mentioned the difficulty of their day? Well, maybe now you can appreciate that they're willing to be vulnerable with you and share what's weighing on them. So getting your mind out of this competition of who has a more difficult day and who's doing more, now you look at us with appreciation. Your spouse is doing the same thing. You're just looking at it differently. He shared the difficulty of his day, and now you have appreciation. I appreciate you're so vulnerable with me and you're willing to share where things are feeling difficult for you. It means a lot to me to know that you'll open up to me when there's something going on. And I love being a person that can help you think of solutions like writing like that. The next thing is maybe, did they pick up something that was left out? You can appreciate that they notice little things that are easily missed. Did they make a meal? Appreciate that they value nourishing your family and being someone that others rely on. Did they let you know they're running late? Appreciate where they were, why they were there, that they think of you when the schedule runs off course. Those are all things that can be appreciated. Did they play with the kids that day? Appreciate the example that he sets for your kids and the presence that he has with them. Um, does your spouse work hard? You can appreciate that he does work hard. What he does to work hard, the load that puts on him, his work ethic that you've noticed or admired in him, the way he might try to leave the problems outside of your home and spend undivided time with you, and all these ideas of what you could be appreciating about your spouse, it only requires you to pay attention. There's plenty that your spouse is doing every single day that you can, in fact, start appreciating. Right now. It's just a matter of what you're choosing to look for. No matter what you choose to look for, you're going to see more of it. So you're changing what you look for in your spouse, and you will always get more of what you look for. You will always get more of what you look for. So look for what you appreciate and you will get more of it. Then if your spouse happens to find this little journal and look inside you, just prove to him, hey, I notice you, I appreciate you. You stand out here and I choose you a million times over again. And what kind of behavior do you think you'll see more of if they found this journal? If you gifted it to them? Right. You could also use this appreciation log as a gift in the future. Imagine the surprise on your spouse's face when he unwraps a small journal. Maybe on your anniversary, Valentine's Day, Thanksgiving even, or Christmas, his birthday, whatever, any, any occasion, maybe you guys get to go on a date together. You wrap this up and you gift it to him. Then imagine the surprise on his face when he unwraps a small journal to find that every page is filled with what you noticed him doing, what you appreciate, the love you have for him. It could really be such a way to just smack the reset button in your marriage and get things going on a completely different trajectory. And out of that, you know, nagging, complaining, comparing the expectations, the belittling, the not good enough way of looking at things into a area where you can both find yourself growing more in because you feel appreciated. So even if you never give it to him, you'll be a better wife because of it. And that's what I hope for you, that's what I hope for me is that no matter where we go or who we're with, that we get to see ourselves be more of the person we actually want to be, regardless of what's happening outside of us. So I hope, I truly, truly hope that you can enjoy this appreciation journaling like myself and my membership community have been doing. If you want to challenge yourself a little bit more, set yourself up for a 30 day appreciation challenge where every day for 30 days, you write in this little notebook to that one person that you want to be better at appreciating. And for a lot of us, we've been using our spouses, and for some of my clients, they've been using one of their children or a parent, an in law, a sibling, a neighbor, anybody. You can do it towards anybody. So I'm proud of you, I'm excited for you. And please reach out to me giving you updates on this process if you decide to start an appreciation journal. I'll talk to you later.