121. Outshine Influences on Your Children With This Mindset Phrase

Wow. I just did such an incredible coaching session with one of my dear clients who lives all the way over in Australia. And it reminded me of a few things. Number one, no matter where you are in the world, you have a mindset. We all have a mindset. And we all so commonly struggle with negative self talk, with forgetting who it is that we are, and just deeply struggling to be able to communicate what we want, our vision for life, and being able to focus on that. I mean, she's already all the way over in Australia. She's over a day ahead of me in time zones, and these are the things that she's facing, too. So if you're someone listening to this and you're just like, dang, I don't know how to say who I am. I don't know where to even begin. If someone were to ask me what I want. My negative self talk feels all consuming most days. If that's where you're at, you can do something about that. You can. And I. That's what I want. This podcast, this, all of the work that I create, I want it to be about giving you tools that help you do more about that, more than you ever thought you could. So today's episode is more about encouragement for you, because while I was coaching this client, she was telling me about how the example that her husband sets isn't always the one that she wants her kids to have. And I appreciate that. I really do. And I want to just give us all a tremendous amount of encouragement to know this one phrase that has helped me and a lot of other people, a lot of other people that I've worked with, and it can be such a game changer for you. And I just want to start this out by saying, too, that while there may be some things that you hope your kids aren't watching your husband do too closely, you're like, oh, I don't really love the way he said that. I don't really love the way he reacted to that. And, yeah, I mean, it's a flat tire and he, like, totally blew that out of proportion. I really hope the boys didn't see that. If. If those are things that you're facing, I want to give you some encouragement to also remember that I am willing to bet there are a lot of things, at least a handful of things that you are proud of, the example that he's setting, and you would love for your kids to follow in footsteps like that when it comes to those specific things. So I want to give you some encouragement and the the phrase that I like to use, and I'll explain this more in depth of how it's been in my marriage and how. How much it's helped and encouraged me to stay in an amazing headspace towards my spouse, recognizing I don't need him to be excellent at everything. I just need to remember what he is excellent at and allow him to the space and provide tremendous encouragement for him to continue getting better at the things that he wants to get better at and to be someone in his life that constantly reminds him, you can be excellent at anything you want to be excellent at. You're that kind of guy. I mean, how often are we saying that to our husbands? I think I know I could personally say it much more often. When I asked my client this afternoon how often she's praising her husband. Her husband, she said, not often at all. And she said, well, it's because he doesn't do things that I think are worth praising. And she had mentioned that she doesn't love all the examples that she sets for the boys and in their unique circumstances. She had mentioned, you know, he travels a lot, so he's gone so much. And then when he is home, he's only there for a short time. It's like, geez, man, make the most of it. Show up, be this intentional father and give me a break and step in and do these things. And all of that sounded so valid. And I just asked her, well, yes, and he's only there for a short time. And in that shift of perspective, if you have a husband that works outside of the home, maybe he travels a lot. Just it's a simple shift in perspective to understand. Yes. When he's home for that short period of time, you want him to be put present available and just stepping in, showing up, doing the things that need to be done, like observing what he could do to help and giving you that break and rest. You want that, and gosh dang it, I want that for you. And when he's only there for that short period of time, I also think that there's a part of that that would feel really difficult to be out of your home so much that every time you come back, your kids look a little bit bigger, they're saying something a little bit different. And you look over at your. At your spouse, and you're just like, holy crap, she can run this whole show without me. I wonder if it would ever feel discouraging to come back home and feel like, could she just do it without me? I mean, what do I really contribute Here you guys are fine without me. I wonder if that's ever the self talk. Remember, all around the world, men and women struggle with self talk. And when we can just shift our perspective and show up better with more kindness and in a way that we speak life over our family members, it's amazing what changes what happens out of that. It's absolutely mind blowing. So when I asked her that, you know, he. He is there only a short time, she initially thought I was. I was saying, like, well, he's only there for a short time, so you need to be kind to him. Which is not at all what I was saying. I mean, there's some truth there. I do want her to be kind to her husband. What I was really saying, though, is he's only there for a short time. Is it possible that he questions what to do? He questions his contribution. He questions the integrity of the relationship he has with their children. He questions how much he knows her or how much she likes him. I don't know if your, maybe your spouse has ever questioned how much he'll really enjoy him. I don't know. I'm just saying, one perspective. It's fascinating how far it can go both ways. And if you're someone listening to this and you know, I have a wonderful husband who works so hard, and he has some things that he struggles with. He struggles with negative self talk. He. He wonders the, the contribution that he makes. He wonders the relationship that he has with our children. He wonders the interests that I take and have in him. And that would feel really hard. So I just want to give you some encouragement if you, if you just want to work on that. And sometimes I'll be completely honest here on the, on the podcast. There are times that I, I mean, I love. Oh, geez. I love coaching through mindset and marriage. I love mindset and marriage so much. I use it every day in my own marriage. And it's improved my marriage tremendously. And it can be one of the hardest things to talk more openly and vulnerably about because there are so many nuances, there are so many circumstances that can come forward where it's like, well, what about this? So I just want to put that out there that I'm not right now. I'm not talking about the what about this? If you're in an unhealthy relationship and, and you know that you're in a healthy relationship. I'm not trying to sugarcoat it. I'm not trying to make it okay. I want to speak to those in the relationships that they want to be in, where there's mutual respect, there's a love there that they want to just pour gasoline on and watch it just grow into a huge bonfire where they work together at their spouse, and they're, they're noticing kind communication happening. They're both feeling more appreciated, they're both showing up better, they're both working harder because it, that's what we're talking about here. And there are tons of resources to help those that need to get out of relationships. And I want to be one of those resources that help women stay in their relationship and make it, make it better, because it is a healthy place for them to be. So I just wanted to throw that little note in there. Now let's talk about this other perspective. When it comes to sometimes the example that we think our, our husbands are setting around our kids, and we're like, oh, my gosh, I don't want him to do that. I don't want him to talk like that. I don't want him to think like that. I don't want him to do that thing. I don't want him to talk that way about food. I mean, gosh, it can just apply to someone, many things, seriously, like maybe your husband says, that'll make you fat. And we're like, oh, my gosh, you can't say that about food making them fat. You're gonna, they're gonna develop an eating disorder if you talk like that. Or maybe your husband loves to exercise and you think he's taking it too far and the example he's setting for the kids is gonna cause body image dysmorphia and all these issues. And you're like, you can't do that. You can't do that. And we, we stress so much about these things, and I've done that too. So this, this little perspective has helped me so much. Where I remind myself, my kids watch my husband. Oh, they watch him so closely. They study me, though. They watch my husband. They watch their dad, the ins and outs. Gosh, they love watching him. They study me. They study my facial expressions. They study my tone. They study my behaviors. They study my habits. They study my routines. They study the way I gently stroke mascara onto my ey eyelashes. They study the way that I hang my clothes up and the careful way I select the outfit I'm going to wear that day. They study me. My boys, my four boys, even the baby study me. I, I, I know they watch my husband. I know they're heavily influenced by him. I know that, and I know they study me. And to. To really prove this. This is what I was talking about with my client just this afternoon, to really prove this. We were talking about journaling, and she said, tessa, I want my boys to want to journal with me. Like, I want them to want to journal, and I don't want them to say, mom, why are you making me do this? This is so stupid. I don't want to do this. This is a waste. And this is silly. I don't want to do this. And I said, I get that. I really get that. Like, you want to create this positive desire to journal for mental health and to give them more positive tools in their back pocket, that if there ever comes a day that they're struggling with some negative self talk, they're feeling a lot of self doubt towards an ide idea they want to pursue, or maybe they've been getting really down on themselves and they're. They're questioning their abilities in life and how much they can accomplish. You want them to know how to journal. And I love that. And she was like, yeah. And I just don't know how to instill that in them because my husband's not journaling. Like, he doesn't journal. He doesn't journal at all. He's not exercising. Like, he's not journaling. He's not exercising. He's not doing all the things that I'm doing. And I get that. I. I get that. We can think of. We need everybody setting the same example as us in order for it to be beneficial, in order for it to really stick. And I think that's a tricky way that our mind is creating a limitation. There's no way that's a fact that we need everyone in our life setting the same example, setting the same great example to us. We need everybody displaying emotional regulation in order for us to learn it. Oftentimes. Oftentimes it's fascinating. I mean, there's so many stories sharing about this that we learned something because there was one person in our life willing to do something different than what everybody else was doing. We lived in a home of people that were constantly yelling, they were constantly displaying emotional dysregulation. And then we had a teacher or we had an aunt or we had a neighbor that did something different. And it really caught our attention because it was so unique, because it was not an influence shown by us and a behavior modeled to us by everyone. And that's where I want to pass some power back to you, my dear friend, in motherhood, as we're trying so hard to raise, regulate, emotionally regulated, just mentally optimistic, thriving humans for this world to take it to the next level. We're trying so hard to do that. And my gosh, do we have so much to learn every day. Friend in the same boat as me. If you're willing to do it, you yourself, you could be that unique person in your children's life where they see everybody else yelling, emotionally dysregulated, operating based off of traumas and not working very hard on themselves, letting their health go. They're seeing other people do all these things. And then they see their mom. Remember, they study you. They see their mom waking up before them each day. They see their mom carefully selecting her clothes and gently stroking mascara onto her eyelashes each day, even if she's just gonna stay home. And they. And they wonder that. They're like, man, why does my mom get so dressed up when she just stays home? And they're able to ask her, and she's able to say, because I matter. Because I like to feel good. I like to feel good when I'm home. I like to feel good when I'm away. Wow, that's special. I want to be like that. Right? They're able to have more moments of, like, aha. More aha moments in their life because of what you're willing to do, even if you're the only one doing it. And when we. My client and I were talking about journaling, she's like, I really want my boys to want to do this. And I just. They're. They just think it's silly. And she thinks, you know, my husband needs to be doing it too. That's what's really gonna change him. And she started journaling later with her kids, whereas I've been journaling around my kids since they were born. And it just. I. I shared with her, and I wanna share with you that my husband doesn't journal. My husband does not journal. I actually have a wonderful story about this. I was journaling in front of my husband nearly daily for three years. Three years. And I never once, never once expected him to journal too. I did it because I love to do it. I did it because it helps me feel my best. I did it because I know that no matter what I face or where I'm at, a pen and a piece of paper really takes me far. It helps me, so I do it. And he's never asked me, how do you journal? He never asked me, how do you journal? And what do you journal about or show an interest in? It really at all. It's just something that I always did in front of him, and it was just part of us. And for three years. And then I was pregnant with our third son, and it was May of Geez 2022, and I had just released the Alignment Journaling course. And when I released the Alignment Journaling course, several people bought it, and all of them had wonderful things to say about it. I was getting constant DMS of messages saying like, oh my gosh, this cho. This course is literally changing my life. I'm. It's helped me think just so much better about my kids, about myself, about my spouse. I'm so grateful. Thank you for doing this. I mean, just wonderful. She's like, tessa, I haven't yelled in two weeks because of your journaling course. And I stopped reacting to my kids, and I just look forward to communicating with them in the way that I practiced in my journal. Thank you. Like so many messages like that. And the course just has done phenomenal sense since I created it. It's done phenomenal. And I believe it's because of the practice. It's not because I made it. It's because it's a practice that works. It's a practice that helps mothers show up as who they want to be, whoever they say it is, not who Tessa says you should be. It's not about me. Journaling is not about me. It's about us individually showing up as who we want to be and using journaling to help us do it. I just teach you how to do it, and then it's all about you and I. What I think happened was after a few months, oh, actually, gosh, six or eight weeks after launching the course, and we were getting all this great feedback from it. There was one morning, it was about 5:30 in the morning. I will never forget, my husband came out to our living room and I was journaling. And he sat down next to me on the couch with a pen and a journal in his hand. And he said, how do you journal? And I. My jaw. If it's ever my entire life been on the floor, that is the moment it was on the floor. I felt just. I. Oh my gosh. I. I thought I was dreaming. I like, what is happening? This is crazy. And he asked me, how do you journal? And I. I had just like. I think I was so shocked in that moment that I didn't want to tell him my way to journal. I just wanted to encourage him to just journal, spend time, spend some time writing. And we were at a point in our marriage too, where my husband had faced a really big life change. I mean, there's just a huge change in his life. And granted, it is a change that we wanted. He left his job and he had been there for eight years. It's what he's known, it's what he's loved. He was at a university. He socialized with, gosh, over 200 different people every single day. I would, I would guess even higher. Like 500 different people. Athletes all day long. These, these incredible athletes all day. He's socializing with them. They're funny. He wakes up early. I mean, he's got to be in the, in the weight room about 5:30 in the morning. Like, it was a huge lifestyle change, huge lifestyle change. Going from that to working from home with us, it was again, our goal. And it was one of the hardest transitions of our marriage. And we had just had a baby at the same time, so it was like double whammy, big transitions. And, and you know, there was just a lot going on at that time. So anyway, when he sat down to ask me how to journal, I had known, like, you know, he might be struggling with some negative self talk and maybe he's trying to find a direction for himself. I, I, I'm just guessing. And I just wanted to be encouraging. You know that time when you, when someone finally asks you for help and you like, don't want to scare him away, so you just say you're doing great. Maybe that's not like what they actually needed. That's what I did. So anyway, he asked me, how do you journal? And then I just encouraged him, like, just write like you're not gonna do it wrong. You can write whatever you want. And he just looks at me and gives me the side eye, like tilts his head, gives me a side eye and says, I want to know how you journal. I want to know how to do alignment journaling. And oh my gosh, just sweep me off my feet. Dreamy knight in shining armor. My gosh, I'll have all your babies. It's just so wonderful. I said, okay. And I said, well, you just, you think about who you want to be and you turn it into an I am statement. And the I am statement, like, you think about who you want to be and then you write it down as if it's who you already are. And then you just think about something in your life that you want to do better at. You want to show up better with the kids or with finances or pursuing something with your health. It could Be anything. I encouraged him. And I said, you write about it as if you're already doing it the way you really want to do it. You're parenting the way you really want to parent. You're being the husband that you really want to be, and you're mentally rehearsing, literally doing those things really well. And that's how I explained it to him. And then he said, okay. And he started writing. And I tell, I swear to you, he wrote every single day for 131 days since that conversation on the couch. He did it every day for 131 days. And it was about a weekend that we were driving and he was like, you know, I noticed that I feel a lot better when I journal. And I was like, I am so glad. I'm so thrilled. And after the 131 days, he, he stopped journaling. He hasn't been journaling since then. And honestly, that's fine by me. I still journal. That's completely fine. Now we've had our fourth baby. Some time has passed. He does not journal. And that's fine with me. I really appreciate that my husband knows how to do it. And I really believe that because he did it for such a long stretch of time, it has taught him a new way to think about things that I, I feel like I can trust. When he needs to do it, he will. And, and when he needs to check his thoughts, now he knows how to. So I'm okay that, that I journal and he does it. And, and my point in this of my boys studying me, they watch him and they study me. That's like a affirmation that I like to use. They watch, they watch him, they study me. And I think about that with my kids friends too. I don't just apply it in my marriage. I also apply it with my kids friendships. They watch them and they study me. I think about it with their cousins. They watch their cousins, they study me. They watch their grandparents, they watch their aunts and uncles and our neighbors, and they study me. So I'm going to give them something good to study. I'm going to let them watch. I'm going to let them watch the whole world. I'm going to let them know what's out there. I'm going to let them explore and understand that there's a lot of different ways to do something and I'm going to give them something to study that shows them, yes, there's a lot of different ways to do something. And the way my mom does it is the way I want to do it. The way she cares for herself is the way I want to care for myself. The way she thinks about things is the way I want to think about things. The way she treats people is the way I want to treat people. So this goes far beyond your marriage. I just think it's really encouraging to use it in your marriage because expecting perfection from our spouses is like expecting perfection from ourselves. It's so silly. We're all human just the same. And when you honestly, this is something that's been on my mind a lot is when you think about the better version of yourself. I mean, the best version of yourself, really. Would you say she's a perfectionist? No. Of course you wouldn't say that. People say they're perfectionists because they say, I want to stop being a perfectionist. They don't say I want that in my I am statement. They don't say, my goal is to become a perfectionist. Like, no. They say, I want to be willing to try new things. I want to know that I can get it wrong and still be willing to try it anyway. I want to be able to look silly and sing karaoke. I want to strive and try as hard as I can and learn from my mistakes because I know I'm going to make them and just continue to get better. So that way, when I look back in five years, I have an incredible story to look at. That's what people say. So when you think about the best version of you, she's not even a perfectionist. So why on earth are you striving for perfection? The better version of you is not a perfectionist. So why are you striving for perfection? It's fascinating perspective, guys. It goes such a long way. So what I, what I wanted to pull in though, about the journaling and where I encouraged my client, where I want to encourage you with your journaling and with anything is my boys. All three of my older ones love to journal. Oh my gosh. Give those boys a pen and piece of paper and they're off to the races. They love to journal. And right now my two older ones, my six year old and my four year old are trying to learn how to write really fast and it's the sweetest thing. They see me journal every day. I told you guys, I do my alignment journaling and that takes me about 20, 25 minutes. And I do my appreciation writing towards my husband, that takes me six minutes. And they see me write something every day. My alignment journaling or my appreciation writing and I love it. My two older boys, my 6 year old and 4 year old is normally who I journal around. And they just like, they gravitate towards my journal. They get really close to me and they're just staring at the paper while I'm writing. And then they ask me, mom, how do you write so fast? Like they're fascinated. They're fascinated that their mom can write that fast. I am so cool. I can do such cool things. Moving the pen that quickly, they're like, dang, how do you write that fast? I say, well, because I know my letters really well and I've been practicing for a long time. So when you know something really well and you practice it for a long time, you get really fast at it. And now that they have been practicing writing faster and it's the sweetest thing to see them do it. And my boys love to journal. There's pages throughout my entire house. You could pick up any random piece of paper just laying on the floor, on the counter, on the couch, on the bed, taped to a wall, wherever the paper is. You could find any piece of paper in my house. And I promise you it'll say one of my boys names on it. It'll say mom, it'll say dad. It'll have some doodles, it will have some, some writing, some simple words or maybe just a string of letters all strung together that don't make necessarily a word. They are just very well put together. And I love it. I love it. And what I love most about it is that my boys learned it from me. I'm the one that has done it consistently enough for them to say, I want to do that too. And that matters to me. It really matters to me that even when my husband stopped journaling or he wasn't journaling at all, or no one else in their life is that kind of influence. I've given them something worthwhile to study. So much so that they want to get good at it too. Not because I asked them to journal, not because I said, you have to learn how to do this, you have to learn how to think this way. You have to do these things. You have to take interest in it. You have to be good at it. No, no, I just want that for myself. And I've made it so attractive to them that they're like, I want to do that too. I've made getting out a journal so attractive that they want to do it too. They want to copy me. I've made it so special with my little cup of a drink. Sometimes I'm drinking a protein shake. Other times, it's electrolytes. My water. I typically always have a drink with me when I'm journaling. That part's special. I care about the pen I use. I have a custom journal made for myself. It's a very special type of ritual for myself, and they take great interest in it because I've made it appealing, I've made it attractive. My kids may watch everybody else in the world, and they will always study me. And I think if we adopt that mentality and we apply it to our marriage, our friendships, family, relationships, whatever it is, you would just feel so much more encouraged. Because the truth is, no matter if it's your marriage or family relationships or friendships coming in and out of your home, you only control yourself. That's the truth behind it. Only control you. So I just want you to remember, you know, if your kids are watching everyone else in the world and they're studying you, what do you want to make sure they learn from you? What do you want them to pick up from you? What do you want them to be able to say, oh, man, my mom does that. It's the coolest thing. Is it your workouts? Is it the way you cook? Is it the way you. You treat other people? Maybe it's journaling. Maybe it's pursuing an interest or a passion project or a work endeavor that really matters to you. Making a difference in a community, A charity, Volunteering your time. What is it. What is it that you want your kids to study about you? Your tone, Your mannerisms? Your emotional regulation when things are really difficult, when you've been mistreated? Give them something worthwhile to study, and it will just. I'm telling you, it gives you all the accountability in the world that you could ever need, all the encouragement that you could ever need. So special. There's nothing like motherhood. Oh, my sweet friend, thank you for joining me on this week's episode of the momset podcast. Please take a minute to leave a review and share the show. If you loved it, I'd love to stay connected as we continue to look, learn, and grow in motherhood right alongside each other.