128. Owning Your Motherhood with Brooke Romney

Okay, friends, welcome back to the momset podcast. This episode I am extremely excited about. I mean, I just get all kinds of giddy when I get to share more of the about the people and the resources and the things that are really helping me. And Brooke Romney, our guest today, is definitely one of those people and she has been for a long time. One of those common questions that I get asked on especially social media and in my community is like, oh, Tess, I want to like fill my account with more positivity. Like you, who do you know that I should be following too? And, and I always answer, brooke Romney, you need to be following Brook Romney. You just have Brooke, you just have a way with words. You help people shift their perspectives while also feeling really seen where they're at. Like, there's a lot of, hey, I get this and this is what we can be doing about it. And I've always admired that too. Especially like doing mindset coaching for moms. And just the way you've helped me shift my perspective on things like having teens. Yes. But also what we're teaching them, the way we're teaching them and even like my perspective of my own body. You've done a lot of posts that were really encouraging to me that way too. So I've just found every way I possibly could to get closer to you. And now I'm excited that we get to have a conversation. So, Brooke, welcome to the momset podcast. We are so thrilled to have you. Why don't you let our listeners get to know you just a little bit and then we'll move into our fun questions today.

Oh, I am so excited to be here because the feeling is absolutely mutual. I remember when I found you on Instagram and I watched a few of your reels and I thought you are the person I wish I would have had when I had young kids. This was exactly the message that I needed. So I love what you're doing here. I know that the people in your community are like minded, lots of diversity, I'm sure, but also people who are just really intentional about creating a life that they're excited to live a super short background because that's not the most important thing. But I do have four kids. They're all boys. Oldest is 22, youngest is 13. I love to write, I love to connect, I love to speak. I have books out there to help families and I'm just really excited to be able to chat with you today.

Oh, so amazing. And I mean, seriously guys, we could say this is just a little bit of A selfish approach for me because I'm like, she has four boys. She's a season ahead of me. I could learn a lot. So I know this is going to serve everyone. And I am listening extra close on this episode. One thing that really stands out to me, though, is your ability to spark community, conversation and connection on Instagram, which honestly is a platform where things are. It feels like things are getting more and more difficult to create connection. Like, things are moving faster and we need shorter paced or, excuse me, like, shorter cut content. Like, you know, teaching a big concept in 15 seconds is like, what are we doing? And you do such a wonderful job at, like, really drawing people's attention in. And it got me wondering, like, you're so great at prioritizing and creating community. What was it? What experience did you have that was like, I want to create something like a community for moms and have this focus. What was that moment for you?

I think it happened. So I was an Instagram consumer and I really loved all the ideas that I was finding on Instagram. People are brilliant. And so I was taking traditions, I was taking ways people think about things. All these things that were really, really helping me in my motherhood. And then my kids got older and we got to the teenage years and no, everybody stopped talking. No one was talking about any of the problems. These weren't like, how do I get my kid to nap? Or, you know, potty training issues. These were like, big deal problems. And all of a sudden, everything felt very private. So even, you know, we're not even sitting at the park saying, like, well, how do you deal with this? Like, there is no more park sitting. Like, everyone's at school and people are at work and things like that. And so it was an exceptionally lonely time for me. And because it was my first child who was a teenager, and he wasn't the easiest, you know, he didn't just say, like. I didn't just say, like, let's do this. And he said, okay. I just felt like I was having a lot of issues and I wished there was somebody that I could talk to. And so as I had these feelings, had these feelings, I just kept getting that impression, maybe you need to create that community. And it was actually really scary. It was super scary. Because I think the hardest part was I wasn't an expert. I wasn't coming on and saying, this is what you should do. I was coming on and saying, what should we do? What are some options for us in this position? And I got a lot of personal support and Then I was able to also teach.

And does that lead you into your flip books? The, like, teaching modern manners for today's teens and kids, which I have all of Brooke Romley's flip books, and I freaking love them so much, I leave them out. And, like, one of my favorites in the kid flipbook is don't yuck someone else's yum. I'm like, that is golden. I just. I love them. And there's a lot of manners in the teens books that I've been able to easily apply with my kids, too. And I do love, like, the language in the kids books. It's easier to teach moms the communication style with your kids, because I imagine it's very different than with teens. So for you, did. Did learning more from your community of, like, hey, what can we be doing about this? Lead into your flipbooks? Or when did your. When did your writing really come to be in a book form?

Yeah, that's exactly what happened. So we were in. We were just coming out of COVID and I think people let a lot of things go during COVID It was a really strange time. And that lapse in social interaction and relationship really, really hit our teens hard. And so we were starting to have teens back in our home and doing things. And I was involved at the school a lot, and I was just looking around at my own teens and other people's teens and thinking, wow, like, there is a big gap here in what they should know and what they know. And I threw a couple of ideas out on Instagram. I was just like, hey, if you're something to teach your teens, if they're going to somebody's house and they walk by the parents, they should greet them. They should say like, hey, how's it going? Or if. Or if they're walking out of the house after hanging out somewhere all night, they should say, thanks for having me. I mean, we were just literally having kids, like, walk in our house, walk right past us like we were ghosts, and then, like, leave without saying a word, you know? And so I'm putting these things out on Instagram, and people are like, oh, my gosh, yes, yes. My teens do this. Other teens do this. I didn't really know how to say, you know, to stop it or how to explain it. And so they were really excited about it. And I started sharing something once a week, and someone just said, I need this. Not on Instagram. I need this in a book form. But as I was thinking about it, I'm like, no teen is going to Read a book that's like, Modern Manners for teens. So I. One of the things that's great about having four boys is I have the hardest critics that you could find. So if it works for my family, it will probably work for someone else's because they are fairly brutal in what works for them. And so having that flipbook just made sense that it was out all the time. You could use it as a conversation starter or a team could take it in on their own. But it's been really fun. It's been really fun to see how it affects families.

I love that so much. And I love that you took the time to think back to younger kids rather than just stopping at teens. You found a way to reach those younger moms that, you know, like, oh, man, I needed this kind of stuff when I had my boys younger. And I just have to agree with you. Like, having four boys, that's just like, they. I love how honest they are. I really do. And I think it's helped me honestly receive feedback really well without getting defensive, because I know they love me. It's just like a. It's. It's so. It's so genuine. It's so, like, kind hearted. It's just different. And what I really love, and I just hung on to you of what you just said about, like, seeing that shift in manners from your own teens to other teens is you didn't say, look, these are the things that they should be doing and they're just not doing them or that they, like, you weren't phrasing. Your phrasing just then is proof of how excellent your mindset is about it. And that's what I love to really reiterate to moms like Brooke. You and I are not, like, uniquely special. And being able to think this way about kids and teens and other people, like, it's not just unique to us to be able to do this. And I want every listener to hear me. Brooke said there are things that our teens should know that they don't know, not things that they should do that they're not doing. Like, and there's a big difference there, because when you look at your teens and think, oh, my God, like, you. You know that you should do this and you're not, or you need to be doing this and you're not. You're not considering. Wait, did they really learn that? Have I made it a point to teach that? Is that, like, a basic common value in our home from teens to young kids as well? And it takes that burden and that judgment off of our kids and it helps us stay more compassionate towards them. Of like, hey, I noticed this and this is what we actually do when we leave someone's house or when we come to someone's house. And I recognize I need to be better about making that our standard. I need to be better about teaching you that. So we're starting to teach it now. And I always like to parent from a place of like total responsibility, total ownership. And it, I find that my kids improve faster because of it. Like, oh, this is a mom thing, this is a mom thing. This is mom thing. So I'll just improve my behavior over here. I'll just do my little part. I've, I found it to work a lot better that way. So I just so much appreciate that. And when you're parenting your boys, I mean you have adults now, like, yeah, you got a couple like in teens and then you have full fledged adults as you're still in this role of like, you're always going to be in the role to parent them for sure. What do you feel like is the biggest difference in parenting adults and teens compared to parenting children?

One of the things that I love about parenting children is there is a way to convince them of things that is so beautiful. And you are such an amazing model of that. Right. So like when somebody opens the kids book, it's such a different reaction because the kids are so excited about new knowledge. I love that about kids. And especially like I included the why on the kids books and then role plays on the kids books because kids are so excited about knowing things other people don't know. Kids are so excited about being more mature than, you know, than their brother. Like, oh, we don't. Yuck. Someone's yum. Like, it feels so good. And I think the difference with teens is we can't always do it the same way. They're not always excited about new knowledge. They're not always excited about hearing something from you. So I think it has to be more subtle with teens and young adults and it also has to give them a lot more ownership than it did when I was parenting young kids. And I think you do such a good job of helping your kids have ownership, but almost to a different level. When it's a teen, it really most of the time has to be their decision. Although there's a tricky balance where they're still children and there's a reason why until 18 we're responsible for them. And that's a good reminder to me also that, that there are times when you step in and, and you make sure that they do the thing that needs to be done for their own good and development and growth.

I love that. I definitely need to hear that, that I'm going to need to maybe take a step back from the ownership, let them, let them take more of it. I do believe right now, like, my oldest is 6 right now your oldest is 22. So being able to recognize like also the season that I'm in for motherhood, I have found it to be more about my growth and development than theirs. Like, I feel like the. See, like their childhood to me is more about the exploration and the authenticity of who they really are. And it's a time for me to just understand them as people, not shape them into something. Like, I think we're just all born very unique. And like, I mean, from the time a baby's born, they just have like this little thing about them that you're like, what is that? What is that? What is that? And that's what I've been spending all my time, time doing is figuring out what is that in you that I just want you to keep forever? And to be completely honest, like, we homeschool our boys and a big reason behind that is, yes, I want more time with them. And my family's in a really awesome, awesome spot where like, even if they went to school, we would still have a lot of time with them because of the way we've set up our dynamic. And my biggest reason to homeschool personally is because I want to protect that. What is it about you? Like, what is that in there? And I just like, I. So maybe it's like a fear based thing that I just really.

It's a love based thing. I can feel it.

Yeah, I just like, I just love who they are. And what I've appreciated though is letting them be who they are has shown me where I need to be respectful of that. Stop trying to control it, stop trying to change it and instead work with it. And that's where I have grown so much to be responsible, accountable and take ownership of like the situation we're in. Because they certainly didn't cause that. Like, they didn't set this as a normal in the home or goodness purchase a TV for our family to have or say free reign sometimes, like, or what food we have in the pantry. Like, I just think in younger motherhood, it really is about you growing up and it's supposed to be about them being able to tell you who they are, not for you to like shape them into Someone specifically, that's like, yeah, that's where my inspiration's going right now, like you said. And then.

And it's the same, it's the same thing. I've learned significantly more from my kids teenage years than they have. I've become somebody completely different than I ever would have been. Had everything always just been smooth and they would have just been like, sure, mom, I'll do that. I think there's been so much growth, like in my heart and in my mind, in my empathy and my compassion, so much understanding of people because you know someone so well when they're yours and then they do something completely different than you would do and you find ways to love and respect that and understand it and it's just such a beautiful thing. And so there's so much growth as a, as a mom during those teenage years, just like during those young years, I think it really parallels each other. And I think just like in those young years, you know, there's times you step in, there's times you say, I'm so sorry, that's not ok. Times when you teach the manner, even if it, even if they're a free spirit, you still teach the manner because it's actually not okay for you to act like this with other people. Even though I love your free spirit and it's so darling and it's so perfect in certain situations and it's actually not perfect at a friend's house when you just want to dump all of the toys and leave.

Like that's.

I love your free spirit. You still have to be like aware and respectful, you know, And I think like we do that for our teens too, like where you allow them to be themselves and you want to prepare them to, to be able to be successful in an adult world.

So true, so true. And with, with that though, I've always felt like when my kids are behaving, I mean they're younger and they're just kind of showing me like, this is who I am, this is how I know to handle things. I'm like, I freaking need to teach you a better way to handle things. And I put that responsibility myself. What I also love to do is teach them the mentality behind it. Because just like you're saying, like, you can be intense and you can be a free spirit. Like my 4 year old is such an intense guy. Like he just is. If he's going to love you, he's going to love you and if he's going to hurt you, he's going to hurt you. That's That's. That's like, his thing. And I am. I'm still working on understanding it and being able to protect that in him, because I just know it takes a person like that to make a real big change and disrupt things that are not right or not okay in the world. Right. And at the same time, teaching him the mentalities behind it, like, are you choosing to do something helpful right now or choosing to do something hurtful? Because you are an extremely helpful person, and right now you're choosing to do something hurtful and bringing, like, the language. I mean, you appreciate writing and speaking and community. And as, as an author, how important do you feel like it is to be mindful of the language we're using with our ideal audience that's going to be reading the book or even our kids and our spouse in our own home? How important is that language?

I mean, I can't think of something that is more important besides the language and the tone that it's used. I think that we can change so many feelings and so many relationships by the words we choose and the tone we say them in. And I've seen that play out so much in my home with young kids, kids in the middle, and teenagers, and even, like, with adult kids. Coming at something with curiosity is so great when your kids are young and when your kids are old, you know, there's nothing worse.

Even with your. With your husband, with your spouse.

Absolutely. Absolutely. There's nothing wrong. There's nothing worse for a teen than when you know their mom is like, why would you do that? And there's so many better ways to say that. Like, that's so interesting that you chose to take art. I didn't know that you loved art. Tell me more about it rather than, I can't believe you took art. Like, it just changes everything. And I love that you're starting it so young. And just, just the awareness, you know, kids are people, teens are people. The way we like to be talked to often is the way that they would like to be talked to. And I think that's just a really good reminder.

I love that so much. I was just going to ask, like, what's a good rule of thumb for you when it comes to language? And I think you just said it, like, talk to people the way that you want to be talked to. And I think sometimes that's just, like, thrown around like, oh, treat people the way you want to be treated and talk to people the way you want to be talked to. And it's like, truly like, that is it. And you need to take it serious. And to me, I always think, even with my kids, this is something I notice moms with younger kids struggling with, and maybe moms with teens are doing it too. I'd imagine they are. It's so difficult for them to just be quiet. Like, if you don't know what the kind thing is to say in that moment. I tell my kids, like, with. About, like, the way they feel, and if they're saying really hurtful things, I tell them, like, there's a kind way to say anything you want to say. And if you're still trying to figure out what the kind way is, then that just means you're not ready to talk yet. So take your time and find the kind way to say it. And be quiet. And like, I've tried really hard to teach my kids being quiet is okay. If I ask you a question and you need time to think about your answer, take the time, and if you feel like I'm pressuring you, say, mom, I'm thinking about my answer. And it's hard to think about it when you're still talking. Be quiet. Like, I give my kids permission to say things like that. And I don't think it's. I don't think it's rude. Like, I just think. I think it's rude to try and pressure someone to come up with an answer faster than they can actually do. So considering all the information. What about with teens, though? Do you think it's hard to stay quiet with teens? Especially when maybe they're having, like, an attitude or a tone or a perspective that you're like, I'm done with that right now.

Well, it's so funny because my boys will always be like, okay, got it. And I am, like, such a. I am so guilty of, like, sharing something that's actually good information and. And a conversation we need to have and then, like, sharing it again and then reiterating and it's something that, like, is really, really not a good quality that I have because I just want them to be like. I want their reaction to be something like, wow, I get it, Mom. That's such good insight. Thanks so much for sharing that. And they're just not gonna do that.

They're. They're.

For one, it's kind of like you said, they're taking it in. They're processing it on their own time and in their own way. And. And they're not going to come to that aha moment. And even if they do, they're probably not going to acknowledge that it came from me, and they're really grateful for it. It's just not something that's going to happen as a teenager. They're not going to do that. And so I've been really working for the last, like, six years to try and just say something clearly and kindly one time without, like, digging in and letting them have some time to process it. I think it's so awesome that you do that young because hopefully that's a habit that you'll have and that they'll have, you know, as they get older. But also when they're doing things that we're. It's just not okay. I've also learned that having, like, a few go to phrases kind of like you have is really, really impactful and important, so that I keep my boundary of what it looks like to live in a loving home that's respectful.

Yes.

I think a lot of times during, like, as kids are getting like, a little sassier or into teen years, and you're like, well, I just want to preserve the relationship. And I think there's a lot of good in that. Like, I want to preserve the relationship, but I don't think we can preserve a relationship that is not good for us either.

Yes, exactly.

So I think one of the things that I always keep in mind is like, I want to be kind, but am I doing their future spouse a favor by letting this go or by saying something like, this is okay? Because the habits they're creating in our home, in our relationships, are the ones they're going to take with them. And so I would hate for their future wife to be like, oh, so you just let them talk to you like that? Like, that was okay, you know, and so keeping those things in mind.

Yeah. What are a few or a couple of your go to phrases when you notice like, okay, the attitude's there? Maybe it's not a time to teach a full lesson right now. It is a time to establish that. That boundary, like, remind them, hey, there's a hard line right here. I do that with my kids, too. What works well for you guys?

Yeah, just something to the effect of, hey, we don't talk to each other like that in our house. Like, let. Let's come back to it when you're ready. And. And just like, cutting that off also, like, that question's been asked and answered. Like, you know, with. With. That's with people that won't stop asking the same thing. Like, hey, I've already answered that question, like, asked and answered and just kind of Stops that like, but please. But I said, what about this? If I do this and, and you know, and, and some things are worth having a conversation about. I actually think it's really important to hear the full story and hear their reasons. And you know, like, maybe I say like, no, you can't go there today. And maybe there is something that's worth like learning about. Well, this is why I really want to go and being able to engage in that conversation. But after it's been engaged in and it's very clear that I have an answer, I think that the idea of like asked and answered, like I love that anymore.

Yeah, yeah. And there's so many good points in there too. Like with my boys when they ask for something, I try really hard. I've had to create a lot of discipline around this because it's just so easy to assume you know, the why behind it and then just give an answer. Or like my son, it was like 6:30 at night, he's like, mom, can I go back to Nikki's house? And I was like, buddy, it's 6:30 now, we're getting in the bath and we're getting ready for bed, so you're going to stay home? He's like, well, well, she's doing her baby gender.

That's what they said.

I could come to the party and find out what the baby is. And I'm like, well shoot, if I would have known that, I would have said yes.

Yes.

So being able to lead more with like, do I fully understand why this is important to them? Do I really know why they want to do this? Before I give my answer, I love like, you know, I love to journal every day and I do so to just keep my mind in a very disciplined and as much as I can controlled place. So that way with my kids I just parent so much better. I'm a way better wife, way better friend. And with my boys I just found that that discip of like asking one or two follow up questions when they want something rather than like question, answer, question, answer, question, here's my follow up. Okay, here's another follow up and then my answer. And still when it's difficult for me to come to an answer, I'll just say ask me again. Like, okay, ask me again after you've eaten dinner. Because I just, I need time to think about it. And the same thing where they're like asking, asking, asking yes, there, there's a boundary there. Like, hey, I've already given the answer to that. And there are times I'll tell my six year old like. Or I'll ask him. Does asking me again change my mind? And he goes, no. And I'm like, thank you.

I love that. Thank you so much.

So I just, I appreciate exactly what you said. Kids, like a younger age, there's a lot of creative ways to get them to accept, like, a way of thinking where they're actually, like, maybe they think it's their idea.

I mean, that's the best thing ever. Like, that's like win, win, win for everyone. When people think like, yeah, this works for me. I'm, I'm actually a huge fan of trying to have family life that works as best as possible for everyone involved. Which means that one person's not always getting the bum end of the deal and that's not always mom, you know.

Yeah.

Like, in order to really enjoy family life, I think everyone needs to feel like it's a place that they want to be and they're heard, they're seen, the things that are important to a matter. And I think that goes for mom and dad and the kids.

Yeah. What do you think moms are missing in order to make that the reality of their home?

So one of the things that really helped me in younger motherhood was to figure out the things that brought me joy in motherhood and doing more of them. So I had the idea that because being a good mom looked like this, or a good mom always, like, had her house picked up, whatever it was, I was spending a lot of time trying to be a good mom, but one that wasn't me. And so really like, understanding what brings me joy. And as soon as I started to lean into that, motherhood completely changed for me. Like, and I love, I loved being at the park with my kids, I loved being outside with my kids, which meant that sometimes my house wasn't as clean as I would have liked it to be. In an ideal world, a little bit of a messy house actually doesn't really bother me. It does, it does bother people. So sometimes that is a priority, but it doesn't really bother me. So the idea of staying home all day trying to get a house clean with four boys who are going to like, continually keep messing it up or go to the park with good friends and connect and be outside, like, that was just something that was such an easy way for me to love motherhood. Reading out loud is something that I absolutely love to do. And some of my boys didn't think it was like, as fun as I wanted them to. And so instead of just saying like, throwing in the towel. Like, I guess we don't like to read out loud in our family. I love to read out loud, and I love books. And so what I would do is I, like, got a little bit more flexible. Like, you can play Legos while I read the book. You can do slime while I read a book. And finding ways to make sure that I was getting those things that brought me a lot of joy, made me feel like a successful mom on a daily basis.

Oh, that is so powerful, especially for moms sitting there thinking, like, oh, I need to give up these things. Like, either I need to give up the clean home or I need to give up time at the park, or I need to give up reading out loud, or I need to give up, like, something for you. And I completely resonate with this. Where my work brings me so much joy, where, like, I love to work. I really, really. I love to create content. I love to work with words. I love to hear what other people are thinking and help them rework those words too. Like, to me, it's just like a constant crossword puzzle. Like, it's like a brain game. Like, I want to find the answer. I love it. It's so fun. And there was a part of me that thought, like, oh, my gosh, I'm not being a good mom if I'm working as well. And what I found was, like, I'm actually a better mom because my career literally supports me being the best mom I can possibly be. Like, that's just what it is. And there was still boundaries that need to be put in place. Like, when I leave the office, I leave behind the phone, the computer. Like, I'm leaving behind the mic. It all stays in there. And I become more disciplined with my time as well. And it's also taught my boys too, like, it's okay for you to love. Like, my four year old loves to play with cars. Like, that's his thing. And my six year old, he's like, kind of grown out of that now, like, where he's like, big into Legos. So teaching them, like, it's all right. Like, it's okay that you're into Legos and you're into cars and you guys like different things. You can find ways to bring them together, or you could just take some really intentional time apart from each other because they're, like, really inseparable. Oh, that's so sweet. It is really sweet. So teach them things like that. My. My next question for you, Brooke, is like, in. In motherhood, no matter like, the season that a mom is in right now, I think it's really important for all of us to protect that mental health piece and, like, our influences, what we're consuming. You and I both know how exceptionally powerful words are. So what advice do you have to moms that are like, okay, I really need to create a better perspective of my teens or my bab. My kids or my adult kids. Like, I need to have a better perspective of them. What are some things you would recommend that they do to create a better head space about whatever season they're in?

Yeah. Oh, that is such a good question, because it's something that I am super sensitive to. And so I think, like, an easy answer that probably most people know that maybe don't always put into practice is really, really watching what you consume on social media, like, very, very, very carefully. Even the subtle messages that come through. I remember reading something on social media, and it was actually just like, a really funny skit. And I thought. I mean, and it had been shared a million times, but one of the things that it started me thinking about was, like, all the ways that I'm unseen, right? And for a minute, you know, I thought, yeah, like, I'm not seen in this way. And I. People don't notice this that I do. And, you know, and it was just funny. It wasn't meant to be. Be harmful or hurtful, but it did get me thinking. And I kind of sat in that spot, and I noticed that all week. I was like, how come people aren't more grateful for me? How come people don't care about this? Why doesn't anybody notice this? And. And, yes, like, could people improve a little bit on that? And could I have some conversations about that? If it was really necessary, yes. But I was so negative. I was so negative all week long, and I realized that for me, like, for someone else, that might have just been funny and they can move along, but just really understanding who you are, how media affects you. So that's the first thing that I think is really important is we have complete control over the media that we let in our life.

Complete control.

There's very few things that we have complete control over, but what we read, what we watch, that is in our complete control. And so I think we should do everything we possibly can to be sensitive to who we are and where we're at. And I want to give space to the fact that there are times when you can handle things and times when you can't. So you may love following home designers, and it may Be such a fun way for you to be able to improve your house. And, you know, you get designer advice for free. It's really, really wonderful. You might love that in a season, but there also might be a season when you don't have any extra money and you don't love your house and your sister is remodeling her house, and it is absolutely beautiful and perfect. And the last thing that you need is to see all the ways that your house is not measuring up up to the houses online and the house is next door. And so it's okay for you to mute those accounts for a season until you feel ready to have those in your life again, until they don't bring negativity. Same thing happens with fitness accounts, right? Maybe you're ready to get into fitness and it's so fun and you're excited and you follow a bunch of fitness accounts, and then maybe you have a health issue that doesn't allow you to work out, and maybe you're putting on weight that you didn't want to put on, and it's frustrating. And. And while those used to be inspirational for you, they just bring you down now. So being really sensitive to, like, where you are in the moment and what's good for you. And then the other thing that I think is just super important is to associate yourself with people who see the good and help you see the good. And I want to be really clear that there are some wonderful things about people that you can be real with that you can complain, complain to and share your heart. I don't think we were meant to only see the good all the time. Yes, that's not what I'm talking about. But what I found is people who are willing to listen and workshop with you and. And they're wanting to find solutions. Those are the people that you want to stick with when you're sharing complaints or people who love you. And the people that you're complaining about so much, you know that it's not going to change their opinion, and they really want what's best for you, and they're just willing to be a listening ear for a little bit. But you don't walk away thinking, wow, I bet they think I hate my husband. Wow, I bet they think I hate my kids. They're the people who are like, you needed to vent for a minute, and you love your husband and you love your kids and you love your job, and you just need to let off some steam. And so just being very careful about who we're associating with and what they're bringing energy wise, that's amazing.

I mean gosh, I needed the reminder too so thanks. But really like I like to think even with social media sometimes it feels so tricky. I think especially as creators of content that you're working so hard to put this like good information out there and good resources and, and rules of thumb and you know, you're like a perspective that you're like this could really help someone. And then it just feels like the content flops. Like it doesn't, it doesn't perform like you thought it would. You're like okay, well do another one. Okay. And, and then there's those viral pieces that it's so fascinating to me how quickly those like mom humor, I've heard it called like the dark humor a lot about marriage and motherhood. They just go bananas. Like I mean those, those forms of content go bananas. And although like we could make content like that too, we're intentionally choosing not to though because the underlying message of it is not for the greater good of your mother, your marriage or even your self esteem and your self worth. And my rule of thumb is the, the subconscious mind has no sense of humor. So just because I think consciously something's funny, my subconscious mind is going to take that underlying message. I'm not appreciated and it's not going to be funny. Walking around my house. There's right.

Frustrating.

So I, I do the same thing when it comes to social media. Just staying really intentional with and I have a personal boundary. Am I creating content or consuming it? If I'm consuming, it's time to get off. If I'm creating. How much more time do you need? What point of the project are you at? Do you need to take a break? Like trying so hard to protect my mental health and I think it impacts everybody. No matter how intentional you try to be, it's, it's very powerful. It's very especially funny. Really gets you when it's funny. And my, my follow up thought on that, like have people in your life that are good at looking for the good. I think it's easy for us to be like oh my gosh, I don't have anyone in my life that's like that. Always remember you can be that person. Like you can be that person for someone else. You can teach other people to do that for you as you do it for them. You do it for your spouse, you do it for your kids, you do it for your neighbor and you end up like teaching them how to reciprocate that for you and giving them experience of wow. That felt so nice to, like. Like, go to the pits. I always call it, like, go to the pits of your negativity and come back out. Like, the problem is when we go to the Pittsburgh negativity, we stay there. Yeah. We have to be able to visit and go back out. And I do a lot of that in my coaching where negativity is a really powerful thing and it's a healthy thing. It's designed to keep you safe. Like, you've got to know where things aren't working right.

Oh, so true.

Right? So I just always view it as, like, it's not about, you know, always being the one with the. With the good insights, the good perspective, the bright side and silver lining or even positivity. It's just helpful versus hurtful thoughts. Like, how many hurtful thoughts are you operating on and turning those into helpful thoughts about the home, too. Like, you're right. Take a step back from all these influencers about perfect homes and declutter and organization all the things until you feel grateful for your home. And once you're in that state of gratitude, then reintroduce things and maybe let it be about your garden first. Start outside.

And even just like, something as simple as understanding who you are. Saying something like, I love that people are decluttering the heck out of their home. It doesn't make that big of a difference to me right now. That's just not where my priority is. Like, I love that for her, and most of my time, I would prefer spending it this way as opposed to, like, I'm the worst because my home's not organized or, you know. And another really important point, I think, for moms of young kids is some of the best people that you can talk to when you are feeling negative is an older mom. Like, that was an actual. Truly, it was an actual lifeline. When I didn't have the support that I needed. As my kids were turning into teens, one of the most important conversations I ever had was with a mom who's, like, probably 10 or maybe 15 years older than I am. I just thought my world was ending. Truly. It was just like the whole world just come crashing down. And she's like, oh, yeah, my kid did that. And I'm like, wait, what? You're totally awesome, successful, fantastic, you know, child, and you're just the best mom and the calmest parent and the most influential person that I know. Like, wait, that happened to you and it's going to be okay? Oh, okay. Like, this Might be okay. And. And just, like, getting yourself out of the weeds of what's going on right now and. And getting that broader perspective for me, regardless of the age of kids that I've had, it has been invaluable for me.

I love that so much. And that I guess I just didn't put two and two together. I have so many mom friends that have, like, teens graduating high school, they're going on missions, and I love. Those are like, my favorite people to spend time with. And I've always wondered, like. Like, why do I just. And I've been that way since a kid, though. Like, I've always liked to spend time with people that are older than me. And I'm like, why? I like this, what's going on? And now I get it. Like, they just have really excellent perspectives. And I feel like whatever I'm going through, I'm gonna make it through it, because she did, like, and it's just a really awesome way to connect. I. I love that book so much. I mean, everything you've shared in this episode has been completely valuable and honestly going to make a huge impact for so many of our listeners, and I'm really grateful for that. I want everyone to know, like, what's your final top tip when it comes to, like, that? Communicate. Going back to that communication with your kids. Like, if you could leave us just with one more tip on communicating effectively and kindly while still maintaining boundaries that need to be there with your kids, what's that top tip that you want to leave us with?

I think for me, that would probably be really understanding what is important to you personally and in your family to teach. When you understand, like, what your values are, it's really easy to communicate to your kids and to your teens why we're not doing something, why it matters to you, you know, and. And I think as we explain things to our kids and our teens, it's so helpful. So just an example. So if your kid is really bothered that you won't bring them lunch to school every day, as a middle schooler, it's very easy for you to just push that off and say, sorry, I can't today. I'm, you know, too busy. I have a doctor's appointment. I have work or whatever. But I think it's so much more effective when we tell our kids something real. So I'm so sorry, I'm not going to bring lunch to you, to the middle school. I think that that's entitled, and I don't want to do that for you. Like, that's not the family that we've created. I don't even go to lunch every day, so I'm certainly not going to bring lunch to school. But I really, really value connecting with you. So I would love to take you to lunch. I would love to check you out for lunch every other month. I would love to check you out for lunch once a term, because I love connecting with you. So if it's about getting lunch and connecting with you, I am all in. If it's about, like, doing something so you look cool in front of other people, like, I just can't. I just can't do it. It doesn't work with my values. And I think the same thing might work with young kids, too. Whether it's like, you know, stop being rude to your brother. Like, yes, that could work. Or you could say something like, in our family, kindness matters. So how could you do that kindly instead of hurtfully? You know, whatever you choose to do? But I think one of the things I wish I had done is I wish I had understood a little bit more clearly what really mattered to me, and what really mattered is our family, so we could kind of rally around those important points. And when values are clear, decisions are easy.

I love that.

That's something I wish I would have understood so long ago, because sometimes we're doing all these mental gymnastics to figure out why. Why would I not do that? How come this matters? And sometimes knowing what your values are help you say yes. Like, for us, fun matters. So while it might feel entitled to another family, fun matters to us. So we're gonna say yes to the fun, and I'm not gonna sit around and feel bad about that, because fun matters.

So there's.

There's some really important things, I think, that can happen when we understand what our values are personally and as a family.

Oh, man. That could be, like, so many good writing opportunities for moms to just maybe on your next newsletter. Everyone go get on Brick's next newsletter, because I'm gonna ask her to make a values email for us. But really, like, that's so true. When you're val. When you're clear on your values, decisions are easy. And I'm thinking of that even in terms of, like, I mean, my family has talked about moving, and it sounds. It just feels so hard to decide where to move. And that's something I was walking myself through is like, well, my family. Like, I want to move somewhere that really values health. Like, it's just in the. It's in the community's Blood. To be outside, to garden, to be on hikes. Like, socially, that's what people are doing. Because I know that I would not thrive in a place where it's more of that, like, big city, hey, let's go to a bar. Do you want to meet for drinks? Do you want to do this? Which. There's nothing wrong with that. It's just outside of my values, so it would put me in a position to struggle. Yeah. So I just, I love that point of, like, when you're clear on your values, decisions are easy. And imagine how many parenting decisions we make every single day. That would just feel so much easier to quickly make and communicate kindly when we're making it a value based decision rather than a people pleasing tendency of, I don't want to upset you, but if I, if I upset you about this, then I don't upset the neighbor. And that kind of like, honestly kind of weighing it out. I'd rather upset you than the neighbor. Like, bizarre.

It's so true. And it can't. Like, I just, I feel like that would have made so many of my decisions and my justification for decisions for my. For me and for my kids. It would have made it so much easier. Not that it would have been perfect, but it would be. It would have been easier.

Oh, I love that so much. Brooke, I swear, you've just been a light to me in my motherhood and even in my home again. Your Modern Manners flipbook is right on our shelf. I refer to it, I'm like, here's what, guys. It's been so wonderful. So I want people to be able to know where to find you. I will link your Instagram, your website, and then our special code, which is Tessa, if you're interested in getting one of Brooke's flipbooks, you can get it for 20% off with the code. Tessa, check out her website. She has an incredible card game that she just came out with as well that helps you get to know your family members better, which honestly has been blowing my mind. Because you think you know your family members and you have to remember, like, they're constantly growing. They're like, their preferences change, their opinions change. So I love that it keeps that a core value of your family is really knowing each other, like knowing who you are and knowing the people that you're with. It's really powerful. So I will link that in the show notes below. Again, the code is Tessa. Brooke, it's been such a joy to have you here and I'm just really grateful for your time and your expertise in this area and all of your shared experience with motherhood.

Thanks, Tessa. This was amazing. I feel like we could have talked for hours and hours.

That is the goal. All right, friends, thanks for joining us on the momset podcast. We will see you again next week.