13. Let it Go!

Hello, my beautiful friend, and welcome to the Mind Body Alignment podcast. This is a place for us to come together and not only understand who we are, but how to become exactly who we want to be while developing the right skills and tools to help us do so. I'm your coach, Tessa Romero, and I can't wait to get started. We are going to dive right in talking about this art of letting go. I've been looking into this a lot over the past few years, but. But more especially just this year in 2021. And it has been such a wonderful practice for me to be implementing, and I think a lot of it stems back from understanding shame, self forgiveness, self love. Like, there's a lot of steps that we need to take before letting something go can be a much easier process. So please feel free to go back to my previous episodes to learn more about those things, but also to have a little bit more background on my story, because I'm going to be talking about my mom's ex husband being the pedophile that I grew up with for several years, how that impacted me, but also how that was something that I never let go. So let's jump in. You've heard me say how much I despise forgiveness is for you. It never made sense to me before. And anytime someone said, you know, Tessa, you just gotta let it go, or don't do that to Tessa. She'll never let it go. You're such a grudge holder. You're the most unforgiving person I've ever met. Because of my inability to let things go, it just like it felt like it constantly replayed, replayed goodness in my mind, these experiences, and I had so many emotions attached to them that it felt impossible to let things go. But I think what also was happening was it didn't make sense to me. The forgiveness is for you. To me, I was questioning, how does me forgiving a pedophile that has ruined my life help me? Because at the time, I did think that he ruined my life. In my mind, that forgiveness is for you and me. Forgiving him, helping me. I thought forgiving him only helped him. It was only going to make him feel better about himself, right? Well, actually, I was very wrong. And once I realized I was wrong, forgiveness became a lot easier in my life. First of all, I do not make people feel any which way about themselves, and neither do you. Nobody gets to make you feel any which way about yourself either. We just don't have that power. Anyone that tells you you make me angry, insecure, lash, out go to these numbing sources like, you can't make anyone do that. And side note, social media drives me crazy because there's this meme that goes around every Mother's Day that it's like, don't forget to buy your mom a bottle of wine, because after all, you're the reason she drinks. Well, no, she has made a decision to drink. It's our kids. Don't make us drink. Our kids can't make us do anything. We make these choices ourselves. And anyone that tells you you make me isn't taking full ownership over themselves. And including you and myself, if we ever sit back and say, you know what, you made me do that, or you make me mad, we're not taking full ownership of ourselves, and that alone is a problem. And, and it's not going to give you the ability to let something go because you won't even accept that you're putting this upon yourself. You won't accept that. You're. You're looking at saying, you make me do this. And now you're at the mercy of this other person giving you permission to stop doing it. But even if that person gave you permission, would you stop? You don't like. I have no idea. It really, it is up to you when you do something and when you don't. So when you think about the forgiveness thing, like the forgiveness aspect. So my forgiving him, my mom's ex husband, the pedophile, does not control if he likes and forgives himself for what he has done. Right? Just like he can't make me love myself, I can't make him love him. The second thing that we need to understand is the burden of anger that I was carrying was hurting me, not him. I really believe that the people that have hurt us the most have no idea just how badly we've been suffering and how much this anger has affected us. I mean, goodness, the. The pedophile, the pedophilia experience, it affected my body image too. Does he understand that? No. Is he really ever going to be able to put himself in the position of taking this feeling on to the depth of which I was carrying it? No. And the people that have hurt you in your life, the things that you refuse to let go of and extend that forgiveness, they don't know. And you are hurting yourself more than you're hurting them by carrying that anger. Because they can move on with their lives. They can choose to love themselves, they can choose to forgive themselves and move on. And that might drive you even more crazy. I know that it Seemed like it was driving me more crazy with my mom's ex husband. It just seemed like he got to move on with life and everything was just peachy dory for him when meanwhile I was over here being angry. And that's when I had to take that harsh look and realize this anger is a choice. I am in complete control of what I think, what I say and what I do. And if I don't want to be angry anymore, then I have to make the choice to heal that instead of waiting around for someone to apologize to me when chances are they're never going to. And even if they did, that doesn't mean I'll forgive them. And it doesn't mean I'll let it go, right? I could just armor up even more and get even more angry. In reality, our inability to let something go is creating a blockage in your flow of energy. Like a blockage in my heart was preventing anything from coming in or getting out. The stored anger made it impossible for true happiness to flow too. So I always like to explain this to people as when you try to block the dark, you block the light. When you numb the hard. Let's say we use our numbing social media, alcohol, online shopping, goodness. I mean, you could lashing out. You could use anything to numb, really. You could overwork. When you numb that hardship that you're experiencing, you are numbing the goodness in your life as well. You're not turning to gratitude. You're not noticing the cute little things that your kids are doing and how quickly they're learning and cooperating with one another and how really sweet they are to you. You're not noticing those things. You're just noticing, why can't you guys get along 24 7? Look at this big mess that you made. And gosh, that really hurt mommy when you stepped on my toe accident. Like all of these things going on, you're blocking out the light as well with these numbing strategies. And I'm just telling you guys this from personal experience. That blockage, your inability to let something go, let it flow through you, your inability to do that, is storing all this anger. So I really hope that we can get a feel for why self forgiveness is so important because no one can give you permission to do so. It's up to you. And, and letting something go is so important so you can really start experiencing life and these energies that you crave. So many times on social media, people message me, where do you find all this energy? It's like a common question that I get And I don't find it. I don't find it. I make it. It's within me. I ensure that I have a flow of energy. I don't hold on to these things that I know are causing blockages. And I believe everybody has an abundant well of energy within them that they can tap into when they're ready to do so. But you're not going to feel these things until you let things go. I personally have gone the route now, which seems like the other extreme where I wasn't letting anything go. Now I feel like I try so hard to let everything go, let it all flow through me in any given moment. If it's the tantrum, if it's the argument with my husband, if it's the uncomfortable conversation with a family member, a co worker, anything just doesn't seem like it's flowing right. Whatever's happening, let it go. Let it go in this present moment. I think it's a lot easier to practice the art of letting things go in a present moment than it is to tackle your entire past that you've been holding onto for years. So if you're interested in beginning to practice letting things go in a present moment, here's what has personally helped me, number one, my self love. Right? I'm no longer looking at other people for their acceptance, approval and validation. I accept me, I approve of me, I validate me, right? You have to be your own best friend. And then when that occasion comes up where something's just stirring inside of you, you understand, like this is just a moment, it's just an emotion that I'm feeling towards this. But this overall is not in my control. It's not in my control what other people say to me. So what I'm going to do is take a deep breath, understand that it's okay that I feel this way, but I want to let it go. And on that exhale, I'm telling myself, let it go. Inhale, collect all that negative energy, whatever it is, those thoughts that are just holding you back. Exhale, let it go. You don't need it, it doesn't serve you. And sometimes it takes me 10 times of deep breaths and saying, I'm letting it go, I'm letting it go, I'm letting it go. Especially if you have been like me and for so many years, you armored up with anger and that was just your go to defense mechanism. Now when the little things happen today, you might still be armoring up with anger. Your husband says something you don't like. Oh, what do you Mean. And you get so angry. Well, he can't make you mad. Take back that ownership. Do you want to feel this way? Yes or no? No, I don't want to feel this way. Well, all feelings are meant to be felt, okay? They're all. They're all welcome. We can feel them. They don't have to live here. We don't have to become them. If we're feeling angry, get curious. Why do I feel this way? Why is this affecting me so badly? It's so silly. Okay, I'm going to take a deep breath and I'm going to let this go because I don't want this argument to ruin my evening. Have that bigger picture perspective. Have a mindset about your marriage, that your marriage means more to you than this silly argument of what we're having for dinner. And you were supposed to start the dishwasher like, come on, take a deep breath and let it go. Practice it in present moments. Okay? Even if it takes you 10 times, sometimes it takes me 10 times too. And as far as past experiences go, what has really helped me let things go is again, self love. I am in control of what I think, say and do. I take full ownership and responsibility for what I have done in the past. And any shame that I've experienced. We've done past episodes on this. Any shame I've experienced, I can make it make sense. I know why I've done what I've done. I refuse to carry the shame any longer. And I'm going to start slowly letting this unravel, this big ball of yarn, tangled up emotions, experiences, trauma, hardship, and slowly imagining envisioning it unravel and move out of me. It's flowing through me, away from me. Because there are going to be times that we feel this way. But we don't have to store the feeling. We don't have to become the feeling. Let it pass through you know who you are in your identity. If you don't identify as angry, then you can let anger pass through you. It's not who you are. It's a feeling. And all feelings are meant to be felt and that's what it is. And you let it go. And those past experiences, though with the experiences that I had growing up with a pedophile, I also really do believe that he was hurting. I believe that hurt people hurt people. I believe that nobody really wants to be that person. And I know that's hard to swallow. Trust me, it took a really long time because forgiveness is for. You used to drive me up a flipping wall. But really, I don't deserve to be angry. I don't deserve to carry all this hardship. I don't deserve to hate my body because somebody else was attracted to it. I don't deserve these things. All of this anger that I feel, all of this insecurity is not mine. It's not mine. Everything that he did came from him. I didn't make him do these things. I wasn't too attractive of a child and let him on. No, no, no. That's not right. And I know that. So I can let this go because this anger doesn't belong to me. This insecurity does not belong to me. This experience, his mistakes do not belong to me. He's gonna have to deal with that on his own. And the anger that I'm carrying is hurting me more than it's hurting him. I know how badly it's hurting me. He does not. You know how badly this is all hurting you that you're holding onto and you refuse to let go of, and they do not. So if you're telling me right now that you're a grudge holder, I'm telling you right now, let it go. Let it go. You've got to let it go. And I know how hard that can seem, but really view people with smart empathy. What are you going through that you're finding unnecessary to treat me this way? You know what? It's not my job to fix you. It's not my job to make sure that you know that I approve, accept, or validate what you're doing. That's your job. You've got to love you over there. I need to focus on me over here. Create the space that you need. Set a boundary if needed. Go take care of yourself. Communicate to this person. This isn't okay. I'm here to talk to you when you're ready. But I refuse to entertain a conversation like this and move forward. Be proud of the way that you're showing up. You want to start letting things go more easily. Live your life in alignment with who you want to be, that identity. Live your life in alignment with that, and you'll show up that way. And no matter what's going on around you, you can be proud of who you are and how you're handling things and how you're communicating and what you're doing for yourself and. And how that superb, excellent care. You take care of yourself so that you can show up this way. But if you refuse to let things go, you can't be who you want to be. You can't because you're not taking ownership over what has happened. Taking ownership means I forgive myself for carrying all of that anger and resentment for so long. Even though I know it didn't serve me, it didn't protect me, it made me extremely fragile. Carrying anger makes you fragile. That means anyone can trigger that anger. They can set you off, and then who knows what you're going to do from there. You are fragile. You're delicate. If you really want to be stronger, you have to be able to be more vulnerable, heal from things. So let's recap a little bit so you feel that you have some clarity moving forward and your efforts to begin letting things go in the present moment. If something starts to stir inside of you, take those deep breaths, recognize what's happening, and tell yourself, I'm letting this go. This one thing is not worth ruining my great day. This hard moment does not replace my great day. Look at all these great things happening over here. I'm letting it go. The silly thing that I felt upset about, I'm letting that go too, because it doesn't affect anyone else near as much as it's affecting you. And you don't get to be the mother that you want to be if you're carrying all these things that you can't let go of. So that's what we can begin practicing in the present moment. And as far as past experiences go, focus on that self love. Focus on that self forgiveness. You first have to recognize that you deserve to let this go. You deserve to forgive yourself for holding onto the anger and resentment for the weight gain that you feel ashamed of. You deserve to forgive yourself for slipping out of alignment so many years back. And maybe you mistreated somebody. If you can forgive you, then you can show up as a better person for them when you're ready. And if that relationship can be repaired and restored, maybe it will be. But it won't be if you continue holding onto this. So work your mindset to be your own best friend and to show up and say, I have the tools that I need to let this go. I've just got to do it consciously, intentionally, and with purpose. If you're listening to this, this is your sign that you are meant to let things go. You are meant to have energy flow through you freely and in abundance. But all these blockages in your heart from things that you are carrying, those grudges, the anger, resentment, jealousy, all those things, they are blocking the flow of energy and you don't deserve that. So practice the art of letting go you're perfectly capable of doing so. Okay, so hopefully this podcast was something helpful for you. And just know that you are meant to let things go. You aren't meant to store things in your heart forever. It took me 12 years to learn how to not only forgive myself, but but also forgive others and let things go in the present moment, in the past. Let them go. Let them pass through me, have more energy that is universally meant for me and belongs to me, divinely mine. And I want this for you too, but I don't want it to take you 12 years. So take this healing path that you're on this journey seriously. I wish I would have taken it seriously. I wish I would have believed these things years ago, that forgiveness really is for me because I can't control other people anyway. That would have changed my life much sooner. But I am grateful that I've learned now. I'm grateful that I'm in a position now to help you learn how to do so too. And I'm really hoping that I can improve my skill set and provide more resources for you to be able to do so. So stay in contact with me on your healing journey. Reach out to me personally on Instagram Tessaromero. Let's have a conversation over there if this is helpful for you. And as always, if you've enjoyed the podcast, please feel free to leave a rating and a review on whatever platform that you listen. And I can't wait to continue providing this information and like I said, sharing my purpose and passion with you by improving my skill set and my ways to do so. So I'm wishing you all the best and I will talk to you real soon. It is such a wonderful privilege of mine to be here with you in this space, and I hope that you find all the value out of our time together.