13. No One Makes You

Hello, my beautiful friend, and welcome to the Mind Body Alignment podcast. I'm your host, Tessa Romero, and also your coach. I'm here to help teach you all the skills, tools, and encouragement that you need to not only know who you are, but how to become exactly who you want to be, while going through a healing journey that allows you to build a mindset that finally supports you. I'm so glad that you're here. Let's get started. You know what I love about this space, this community on the podcast specifically, is that every single person tuning in, I know we are all on this same page. Of seeking out opportunities of learning and growth, even when it feels really uncomfortable. And those opportunities of learning and growth are coming from ourselves, right? Like, through what we discover about ourselves and what we're noticing our shortcomings are, and our limiting beliefs and. And everything that we're just like, I need to work on this in me, and I understand that it's me, not them, right? Like, it's not my circumstances keeping me limited. It's the way that I'm thinking about it and about myself. And anyway, I just wanted to really just say that first and foremost that I love you. Something special because you're something special to be here working on yourself and trying so hard. And again, seeking out opportunities of learning and growth, even when it involves a lot of, oh, that's me. I'm doing that. Which brings me to this podcast episode, and what we're going to be really talking about here is that no one makes you. And this is going to be really important for your mindset about everyday life and everyday situations and circumstances that you come face to face with. No one makes you fill in the blank. No one makes you yell. No one makes you angry. No one makes you shut down. No one makes you walk away. No one makes you miss a workout. No one makes you skip cooking dinner. Like, when we finally understand. Like, oh, my gosh, my kids didn't make me yell at them. I made that choice. We're no longer the victims of our circumstances. You're not going to be the victim of your circumstance when you understand that you control everything that you think, say, and do. Like, consciously think. I'll add that in there. But you control what you think, say, and do and have major influence over the way you feel, because thoughts create feelings. That's the cycle, the way that it's supposed to be. Thoughts create feelings. Thoughts create feelings. But where we lose it and with ourselves is that we start basing our thoughts off of our feelings. Well, Now I'm going to base on my thoughts because I feel angry. So I'm going to think this way. Well, no, that's not the way it's meant to be. We're supposed to think greater than we feel because our body is not the mind. You're the conscious individual that gets to decide what you think about your circumstances. But the more we allow ourselves to sit in this position of. They make me so mad. My co workers are this, that, the other and they never do their job. And it makes me so mad every single time I come into work. Well, who does it affect more if you come into work mad every single day? Them or you? You. You're the one carrying the anger and that's not an awesome thing for you. Your body, your mind, right? That's not good for you. So regardless of what other people are doing, when we learn how to be in complete control and take that ownership of what we think, say and do and how we're feeling, you're going to feel a lot more empowered and your mind is finally going to start working with you because you know it's a lie to say, well, you made me ignore you because you did this. You did this. So I did this. Take, like, take total ownership here. No one decides what you think. No one can make you lash out, shut down or show up in a very empowered way. These are all decisions that you make. And you can't just own the light and not the dark. If, does that make sense? You can't just, it's like with your feelings, if you try to numb your feelings, you can't just numb the difficult emotions. If you're numbing your feelings, you're numbing your feelings. So if you're numbing your sadness, you're also going to numb your joy because you can't just pick and choose what you're going to numb. Right? And the same thing goes with what you decide to take ownership of. Well, I'm going to take ownership when, when I succeed, but I'm not going to take ownership for when I have slip ups and mistakes and downfalls and limiting beliefs that's going to be someone else's fault because I just want to stay innocent. And I don't think I've had the opportunity to share this with you here. The idea of like I, I believe this is one of the most beautiful ways that I've ever heard this victim mentality and state that we put ourselves in described and I want to share it with you. So there's a book called Conscious Business. I'm really blanking on the author right now. But the book is called Conscious Business. It's incredible. I highly recommend that you listen to it or read it and apply what he talks about in there because it works, I mean, with everything that we talk about on this podcast in my course. So well. But he talks about victim mentality briefly in this book and his analogy for it. And you don't have to have like, this is not a religious book at all. It's not a faith based, faith based book at all. But he does have this analogy. And you don't have to have like a faith or religion to understand this analogy. So listen to it without your mind saying, oh, of course it's rel. No, it's not. So don't let your mind say that to you because that's a lie. But anyway, he says in the book, when we decide to play out the victim, what we're doing is making a deal with the devil. And I'm just quoting this in my own words, but this is his analogy. What we do is we make a deal with the devil. And the devil says, here, I'll give you innocence. It's not your fault that you're late. It's not your fault that you yelled. It's not your fault that you didn't do the thing you said you're gonna do. It's their fault, right? It's the circumstances fault. It's the traffic's fault. It's the co workers, you get it? So he says, the devil says, I will give you innocence. And just think about that. Like with the victim mentality, we're seeking out innocence. We don't want it to be our fault. We want to be innocent. So the devil says, here, I'll give you innocence. It's not your fault, but you have to give me all of your power. And I feel like that's such a strong analogy to consider in our lives. Like, hold on, is it really worth it to feel innocent momentarily about this situation and what I did or what I'm involved in here? Is it really worth it to feel innocent and have no power? Is that worth it to me? No, it's not. Because if you don't have the power, how are you going to do something different next time? How are you going to plan differently next time so that you're not late if. If it's never your fault that you're late? You know, it is better to take that total ownership of yes, I am late. I did not plan my day well, and I'M sorry that I got here late. Wow, that sounds so much better than, oh, my gosh, the traffic. And nothing ever works out in my life. And everything's always someone else's fault. Like, no, just own it. Own your part, because you get to always focus. Focus on your part. But let's go back to this concept of no one makes you. And in your mindset, if your kids make you yell, if they make you frustrated, overwhelmed, embarrassed at the grocery store, if your husband makes you feel insecure, if your parents make you feel ashamed. I'm just thinking of examples here. If your boss makes you feel like an idiot, if everyone has that kind of control and power over you and what you think about yourself, what you're doing, how you feel, and what you're saying, then they get to control what you do next. Really think about that. Please take it in and reflect on your life. Here's an example. If your kids make you yell one time, doesn't it make sense that they can make you yell again? And how empowered do you feel to approach the circumstances next time of tantrums and meltdowns and fighting and running late and all these things that you feel stress you out? How empowered do you feel to try something different next time if they make you yell? Right. Well, you guys don't listen to me, so I have to yell to get your attention. It's the only way that you'll listen. That's not true. That's your limiting belief. You guys don't listen, so I have to yell. That's not true. That's your limiting belief. Right? Because there are other ways to approach people that are not listening to us, be it our kids, our spouse, a coworker, a stranger. There are other ways. There's always another way. But when you limit yourself to, they're making me yell, they're making me mad, ask yourself, how much control do I really have over me if I am giving it to someone else? Just like the deal with the devil, you got to give me all your power. How much power do you have over you if you're choosing innocence every single time? Sometimes we just have to allow ourselves to be vulnerable enough to say, you know what? My reaction was not okay. Not what. What you're doing is not okay. And you're making me do this and everything is someone else's fault, taking total ownership over you. And that does include a lot of vulnerability. And I know when I say the word vulnerability, half of you are cringing right now. Oh, vulnerability is so hard for me. And I Can't do that. And ah, I just want to shut down. I will tell you something right now that I have seen with every single one of my clients, myself included, through our healing journeys in the past four years of having helping other people with this. Are you ready? There is no healing. There is no growth without vulnerability. If you are not vulnerable enough to first say what you're struggling with, what you're doing, where you've misplaced your ownership and power over yourself over the course of your lifetime. Vulnerable enough to say what your perceptions and perspectives have been about other people and circumstances your entire life. Vulnerable enough to say, I don't have this figured out, but I do want to learn, I do want to try, I am interested. All of that is vulnerability. Vulnerability will become your greatest strength. But you have to get past that initial discomfort that you're going to feel when it comes to your growth. All growth feels uncomfortable. If you do a workout and you're growing with your conditioning, right? Your endurance and your muscles feel really uncomfortable as you're lifting the weights or going on a run or going on a bike ride, swimming, whatever it is, if you are conditioning your body, it's going to feel uncomfortable. If you're trying to learn a new concept, be it math or a new language or gosh, a concept with mindset, right? It's going to feel uncomfortable. Why? Because you're expanding your mental capacity, you're learning. All growth feels uncomfortable. So learning vulnerability and how it truly is a strength. If that feels uncomfortable, that's okay. There's nothing wrong with you, but you have to take the ownership of that. This feels uncomfortable because it's new. That's feels uncomfortable because it's new, not because there's something wrong with me, not because someone else controls me, right? And I have no ownership of over what I'm doing over here. None of that. But I just want you to spend the time right now to ask yourself, how much of my power am I giving away and who am I giving it to? Are you giving it to your kids? Are you giving it to your husband? Are you giving it to your co workers or your boss or your neighbor or gosh, a complete stranger that you that cut you off on the freeway and flipped you off. Really think about that. These people don't have power over you. You are in control of what you think, say and do. Unless you have a belief, a limiting belief that says I don't control what I do. They do because they make me mad. This guy made me late. This, my husband made me Feel insecure. My parents make me feel ashamed. I will teach you. If you're inside of my 12 week course, mind body alignment, I will teach you that no one can shame you. That's a very empowering concept to understand because people can say things that. Yes, we feel ashamed when they say these things, but if we give them that power. Well, you're shaming me right now. You're making me feel so ashamed. They can't make you feel ashamed. If you feel ashamed, it's because they have triggered something in you that you already felt ashamed of. And it's your job to heal that so we can change the entire perspective to, wow, you've just helped me gain so much insight to something that I'm going through that I didn't even know is affecting me so badly. I'm so glad you said that. That's a completely different perspective. And again, you feel in control and your kids are doing something and instead of they make me yell, we turn it to something where it's like, I'm the empowered person here right now. My kids are showing me what. Where I have these obstacles. Okay, let me do some self discovery work. Why is it so difficult for me to control myself when they're having a hard time with their emotions? Oh, wow. I never learned how to regulate my emotions. I've always, like, allowed myself to be very reactive to my emotions instead of pausing through them and thinking through them. Right. I always base my thoughts off my feelings. Learn more about yourself instead of giving yourself this story of the victim mentality. Right. Where I'm innocent, but I don't have any power because I'm the victim. There's nothing I can do. There's always something you can do. There's always something we can learn. There's always an opportunity of learning and growth, and that's why you're here. And I know that. And it is so much easier to say, the kids were doing this and oh, it was just making me so mad. So I couldn't even enjoy my entire trip because the kids did this. Okay, but you're the one that didn't enjoy the trip. You're the one that put all of your thought, all of your energy, all of your attention into the thing that they were doing instead of feeling empowered to say, this is bothering me, what can I do about it? It's okay if things bother you. It's okay if you feel upset by what people are doing. I'm not asking you to not feel these ways or think these ways. Right. I'm Asking you to just keep your power in your hands and stop giving it to other people. Because when it finally comes to a time where you're ready to help yourself through the things that bother you, you're gonna need your power. You're gonna need to understand, I can help myself through this. I don't control what they're doing. I mean, we need a whole other episode on control, right? Do we agree we need a whole other episode on control? Because it's difficult to take on this mindset about, like, no one makes me. It's difficult to have that mindset when you also believe that you make other people because you control the circumstances. You control what your kids are doing or you're trying to, but you can't have both. You can't have. I control them and they don't control me. No, it needs to be. Every single person is responsible for themselves and what they think, say and do. And I want to be the person that helps heal people. I want to help people. But I am not responsible for what they think, say and do. I want to be a positive influence. This is who I want to be. And I'm showing up that way. And I'm talking from like real life experience right here. I'm being who I want to be with the full understanding that I do not control. I am not responsible. If someone feels less than or ashamed or insecure when they come across my positive mindset content on Instagram or come into this podcast. I don't control what people think or feel or do about my podcast or my content on Instagram. I don't control that part. I'm being who I want to be. And you can do the same thing in your life if you set those good intentions for yourself and how you want to help and how you want to serve and what problems you want to solve, you're going to feel like the super empowered one. And the thing is, not everyone wants you to. To feel that way. Not everyone wants you to thrive in your daily routine and love motherhood and, you know, focus on taking responsibility for your shortcomings in the marriage instead of just blaming one spouse. Not everybody wants that. Why? Because by default they're doing self reflection of. Well, if that's true, what does it say about me? Oh, I don't like that. So it must not be true. No, that like. But that's why we come to these places. But when you understand. I don't. I don't make people yell, but maybe you've heard that your whole life. You're Making me so mad. You make me yell at you. You make me ignore you because you won't just listen to me, so I have to shut down. Like, no, you have been falsely given and inappropriately given other people's power, but you've never had it. You've never had control. You've never had their power. It was just this idea of it. This idea of, I make people mad, so people make me mad. No, that's a. That's a wrong idea. Nobody makes you mad. You respond with anger, right? And even if someone says, oh, my gosh, I'm so sorry that I made you so mad, you didn't make me mad. I responded to anger. I responded with anger to what you were doing. I didn't have to do that. That's total ownership. So even when someone tries to take that type of power from you, you still don't have to give it away. That was my choice. I'm sorry that I made you leave the party. You didn't make me leave the party. I chose to leave the party. I didn't feel comfortable, and I made a decision that was best for me in that moment. Okay, this is good. And when you do something that's not in alignment with who you want to be and who you're striving to become, maybe with your kids or your spouse or a family member, whatever, you can take ownership of that too, and let them know, I'm sorry that I responded that way. That is so not in alignment with who I'm working on becoming. And I just need you to know that I am taking full responsibility for that. It was a difficult conversation for me, and I was not staying mindful and giving myself enough time to process before I responded. And I'm gonna work on that. Total ownership right there. It's no one else's fault why we do what we do. So I just want you to really focus on this within your mindset. No one makes you. Anytime you have a thought that says they're making me laugh, laugh at that thought because you know it's not true. I laugh at my own negativity. I'm like, that's freaking funny because it's not true. And I'm not about to feel pissed about it, right, Because I don't control all of my thoughts because subconscious is a thing. But it's like, I know that's not true. So I'm not even gonna waste my time attaching to this thought and forming a belief that harms me and other people because I know it's not true. So I often laugh at my own negativity. I'm like, what am I doing? Why am I doing this? I don't have to do this. I don't have to feel this way, I don't have to think this way. I don't have to do these things and give myself that reality check. But you don't know what you don't know, right? And my goal here in sharing this with you is that now you do know. Now you have this new perspective. Now you have this mindset that says, okay, no one makes me. So anytime my mind says they're making me, I can just laugh at that. I don't have to shame myself. I don't have to say I'm a screw up or I'm never going to get it. You don't have to bully yourself. Remember byob, be your own best friend. I would allow my best friend to laugh at my negativity. I would let that happen because I'm like, you're right, this is silly. So be that that person to yourself. And if you really want to do more self discovery here, how I mentioned several minutes ago, maybe you've been taught your whole life that you really are responsible for what other people think, say and do. And if that type of power over them has been displaced on you when it was supposed to be with them, it's just an idea. It was never true. You never controlled what other people did. So maybe get out your journal and do some self discovery work here, do some self reflection. Why do I have the belief that other people make me anything? Why do I have this belief and really explore that? Because once you understand why you do what you do, you can then heal what you find. You do the self discovery work and then you heal what you find. And after you've healed what you found, it's so much easier to, to clear a path in front of you and say, this is the direction I'm walking in. Because the old habits that I was doing, the old mindset that I had, the old identity, all of that no longer makes sense. And if it doesn't make sense to you, why would you do it? We do the things that make sense to us so we get stuck in these like patterns because it's what makes sense. But you don't have to stay there. And when you get out your journal, you do the self discovery work. Just ask yourself, why or when did I start believing that other people make me mad? Is this a concept that you've ever heard before? Maybe not as a Child, was it, was it entertained for you to talk about how other people make you do xyz? Were you ever taught that? That's not true. Although it feels this way. It feels like they made you hit them, right, kids? I. I really believe that kids believe that they don't have that power over their emotions because the emotions are so big, they're so new. And it's our job as parents to teach them. But if we've never been taught, how are we gonna do that too? Right? We have to. We're still learning, we're still growing. And you're doing the best you can to your mental and physical capacity, which because you're in this space, I know is expanding every single day. So do the self discovery work in your journal. I hope this podcast episode served you tremendously and you're feeling inspired to go about your day the rest of today understanding that no one makes you and just entertain that thought. What would it look like? How would you respond if they didn't make you mad right now? What's the other option? I respond with curiosity. I'm not going to react with anger anymore. I'm going to respond with curiosity. I'm going to ask a lot of questions, myself included. I'm going to ask these questions. But it is a possibility for you. You're doing such a great job and I'm so incredibly proud of you. And lastly, I wanted to remind you that the enrollment for my spring session of coaching for my group coaching opens on March 15th. March 15th. So that's just a few weeks away from today. And I'm really hoping to run another free masterclass the beginning the week of March 15th. Okay, so enrollment for my course open that week and then I'm also hoping to run at least three master classes. And it looks like our topic is going to come down to control, letting go of control. And that can really serve you with your mindset too. Like it's totally mindset related. It's on point with the topic and I'm hoping to have that Masterclass ready by March 15th as well. So if you're interested in rolling and things like that, just make sure that you follow me on Instagram at Tessaromero Underscore. I've already put the link in my bio there and I'll add the link here so that you can look at all the details of my coaching program before enrollment opens. You can find out the pricing, how long it is. It's 12 weeks. Everything that's included. I also have a past podcast episode that broke down exactly what's included, how we work through the program, everything, everything in the course. I just broke it down in a podcast episode two. So that's another resource. But masterclass stuff is coming. The last group coaching session of 2022 is going to enroll on March 15, and we'll start on April 3. So lots of great things. Lots of great things. And then after that session, that's why it's my last one this year. We're expecting our baby the end of July, so I'm going to help myself through the remainder of this pregnancy and birth and postpartum. And I'll still be sharing on the podcast. I'll still be sharing on social media. I'm just going to not be running a group course like a guided course like this until the New Years of 2023. So that's my plan. You guys are fully in the loop of exactly where I'm at and what I'm thinking and why I'm doing what I'm doing. And again, I'm so proud of you. I hope to see you enrolled in the course. And if I don't, guess what? I still love you and I still support you and I hope that every single piece of content that I put out serves you. I'll see you later. Thank you so much for being here for this week's episode. If this episode serves you, please feel free to subscribe to the podcast and share it. I love spreading the message of positivity and healing and how they work together. My goal is to continue serving you, and I can't wait to form more meaningful relationships together here on the podcast and elsewhere, such as Instagram and my email list. We'll talk more soon.