130. The First Tool To Strengthen Your Parenting and Mindset: BE QUIET

You are going to absolutely love this episode and the following episode where I'm teaching you two of my very favorite mindset tools that also work just really well in parenting, marriage, and basically every single relationship that you'll ever have. So if you're new here, my name's Tessa Romero. I am the host of the momset podcast. I also run a coaching membership where I walk you through implementing every single one of these tools and theories that I teach here on the show and on my Instagram content. Um, I walk you through implementing those into your very real, unique and sometimes really difficult circumstances of your life. So it's a really positive community for you to connect with like minded women. Um, and you can find me over there if you want to work more directly together. I've linked it for you in the notes below. So this episode we're focused on again, one of my very favorite tools. And next episode's going to be part two of this. So make sure you listen to both so you can marry them together and understand how they work so, so wonderfully together. So the tool today is to be quiet. And I think a lot of us, when we first hear, okay, be quiet. How the heck is that a tool? Well, I'm going to break up this episode into little chunks so you can more easily digest this concept of being quiet. So we're going to start by going over why we're using it, when to use it, and then how to use it. And then I'm going to answer the question of why is it so hard to do? Because sometimes it really is very difficult to be quiet. And I'm going to explain that to you of why. And then we're actually going to have some scripture tie in in this episode. If you're new here or if you've been around for a while, I love to read my Bible. I feel like that is one of the most strongest forms of just strengthening your mindset and your integrity and your identity in life and applying that into all the things that matter most to you. Your marriage, your motherhood, your career, your relationships, your health. The Bible. The Bible does that. It's just an excellent resource. So the Bible has it written all over the place about the value of being quiet. So we're going to have some scripture tie in today to help you see how awesome that is. And then we're actually going to have. The last part of the show is going to be dedicated to Q A. I asked my Instagram community what does it like, what questions do you have and what parts feel Difficult for you. What you try to be quiet with your kids. We are going to keep this pretty focused on motherhood, even though it works really well in marriage. We could do another show episode for marriage. So we'll have 10 questions that I've brought over from Instagram where they were frequently asked, and we will do some frequently asked questions at the end of the show. So let's dig in. Why on earth, why on earth would we want to be quiet? Well, let's talk first about the opposite of quiet. When we're being more argumentative, argumentative with our kids and we're feeding off of their energy, like they're feeling really frustrated about something, so we get really frustrated about it. And then we're just like bickering, bantering and arguing back and forth. And then it never really feels like there was resolution to anything. And then we're just feeling exhausted about the, like argument, the interaction, the exchange that just took place. We're feeling exhausted by it. And honestly, so are they. And when we take that approach, what do, what do our kids learn from that approach? Well, they learn to argue, they learn to banter, they learn to bicker, they learn to complain, they learn to whine. And ultimately they learn, this is how I get what I want. I get what I want from my mom when I get her to argue with me, because eventually she's going to get so tired of this, so sick of this, and I'm going to win and I'm going to get what I want or I get what I want from my mom by repeatedly asking the same thing over and over and over and over and over again, even if she's already given me the same answer. And because I'm getting her to keep talking and I can just see her weakening, weakening, weakening on her stance of that answer. So our kids are just super smart. You're super smart. We all do this in our relationships. We learn how to get what we want. That's what everybody's doing, Everybody. And even if you have a difficult time saying what it is that you want, if I observe your behaviors, I'd be able to tell you what it is that you want. If we view and we observe our kids behaviors, we are able to recognize, oh, this is what they want. Same thing with our spouse. And we don't always want healthy things. We don't always want what's good for us, what's good for our relationships. And at the end of the day, what you're going after, what you're pursuing in like an action form of things is going to be what you want until you decide to change it. So this introspective work is really difficult, honestly. So that's why I encourage you to join my membership, so you can be in a really positive space and have more purpose connected to the pain that you experience when you do this work. Style of work. So why are we doing this? Now that you know that a lot of what you're doing probably isn't working, you're feeling frustrated at this approach, and that's why you're listening to this episode, because you want to learn new tools that strengthen your mindset and enhance your form of communication so your kids can have that too. So the first thing that we really get out of being quiet with our kids is time to listen, observe, and understand. Choosing to be quiet for a few seconds, I mean seriously, for five seconds or even a few minutes longer than you normally would, allows you to ensure that you're fully able to understand what is happening or what has happened. Sometimes we're so stinking quick to assume, and then we are speaking based off of assumptions, and what we're saying is incorrect and it's wrong. And it frustrates our kids. When we make assumptions that are incorrect, our kids become frustrated. And that makes sense because when people make the wrong assumptions about us, we feel frustrated. Like, what the heck? That's not happened. That's not true. This is what actually happened. And then it's this argument of, mom, you don't understand, mom, you don't understand. I need you to understand that this is what actually happened. This is what I was actually trying to do for my brother. And I know for me personally, especially with my oldest son, I'll hear what's going on in the background in the other room and think I know the full story. Like, oh, I know exactly what just happened. And then go into the situation with the wrong idea, the wrong assumption. And it's not until after a quick assumption leaves my mouth that my son is able to try and correct me, which hopefully for him, it's a successful attempt to correct me if I'm willing to shut the heck up and just listen to the kid. And sometimes I'm not. So this is why I actively work on this. I want to be able to listen, observe, and understand before I just assume I know what's going on. Um, so my. My son makes that attempt to correct me, and then I'll feel like a fool for assuming the worst in that moment instead of assuming the best in him and what he was trying to do for his brother. He was trying to help the two year old and the two year old got really frustrated and threw the toy at him. Like maybe my 6 year old didn't instigate the whole thing. Like it's so easy for our minds to say. So being quiet lets me really observe with my eyes and ears before opening up my mouth. The next thing, the second part of this, it gives you time to think and tame your tongue. Personally, I'm speaking for personal experience here. It's pretty rare that my first perspective is my best one and that the first thought in my head is the one that would make the most positive difference in the, in the circumstance or in the relationship that I'm in. It's so rare that it's the first perspective, the first thought that I want to say. So rare. So thinking is a conscious act, it's an intentional act. It's not an accidental by default thing? No, that's when we just like we just say the first thought that comes into our mind when the reality is you have upwards of 60,000 thoughts a day and 80% of those are negative and 95 of them are repetitive. So if you're a mom that feels like you're just, you're just in this freaking uphill battle of trying to change your perspective of your kids. Yeah, no kidding. Because you've got all these thoughts, you're only aware of 5% of them, 95 of your thoughts are operating on a subconscious level. So you're trying to work on changing your perspective and changing your emotions. And meanwhile you have all these backed up thoughts working against you. And to give you some hope to that though, it's in just focusing on the 5% that you change all of that. Yes, you're going to have emotions that come up because of all those other thoughts going on. And when you're actively choosing to take time to think and tame your tongue and be consciously aware, you grow your emotional maturity and your emotional intelligence. You're able to regulate yourself before you even try having a conversation with someone else. That's the beauty of this work, is you don't need to tackle everything at once. How reassuring does it, does it feel to know, oh my gosh, I only need to focus on the 5%? Seriously, I only need to focus on the 5%. Like I said, 80% of your thoughts are just negative. They're naturally negative, 20% are positive. So you just need to focus on the 20%. You only need to focus on the 5%. Your workload just got really like put into perspective of what it is to be focusing on. So the second point of time to think and tame your tongue. Thinking is the conscious act. Many times we speak before thinking. Oh yeah, you can talk without thinking. Trust me. We hear people do it all the freaking time. And then we just look at them like, did that really just come outta your mouth? Yeah, that's an example of someone speaking before they think. And we're just letting a floodgate of awful comments and unhelpful questions. Flawless. Flow out of our mouth. And then dealing with the massive consequences after that. Our kids lose respect and trust in us and other people do that. We lose respect and trust for other people. Relationships severely suffer because of that one time that you just chose to let it all out and just complain, invent and justify yourself and make it all the other person's fault. There are massive consequences to that. Um, and you kind of have to weigh out like, is it worth the consequences to me? Is arguing with my child as satisfying as it feels in the moment? Is it worth the consequences of teaching them to argue with me? Teaching them to question back, teaching them to push back? Is it worth it to me or do I want to take the high road? Ultimately, be quiet and I'm going to teach you more about the when and how to use this. But it is, it's definitely a high road approach. That's what I'm asking you to do here is being quiet is a high road approach. So you know when we're thinking. How do you know when you're thinking? Well, you're considering multiple perspectives. So thinking is to consider multiple, multiple perspectives and ask yourself good questions before assuming you'd have a good perspective or question to share with someone else. Another perspective would be of your kids. Like, what am I, what's going on with my kids right now? What are they going through right now with your spouse? How does this feel for him right now? And other people involved? What did they learn when they were younger or recently? What, what have they been through? What have they learned recently? That this is the best they can do right now. Consider multiple perspectives at one time and then ask yourself better questions. Some better questions can sound like, what's the most helpful thing I can do right now? And what would the mom I want him to have say right now? That's when you know you're thinking, you're thinking. You're using that quiet time very wisely. And it doesn't take a long time, like I said, waiting just a few seconds or a couple of minutes. Longer than you naturally would to respond could be exactly what you need. Exactly what you need. So our third reason why we're being quiet is because it slows down time. You're stretching minutes instead of letting them fly by faster than the words coming out of your mouth. The two things you can't get back are words and time. After a word leaves your mouth, there's no taking it back. And after a minute passes by, there's no getting it back. You gotta use this time spent quiet to be physically present and captivating. Keep your posture soft and open. Eye contact, open shoulders. We're going to talk a lot about this in the how. How are we. How are we holding our demeanor when we're choosing to be quiet? It is extremely important to do, though. Now, when. When are we going to be quiet? I want you to use be quiet. I mean, honestly, just repeat it as a mantra. Be quiet. Be quiet. Be quiet. Be quiet. And I'll teach you the how. Right now. Try and form that mantra for yourself. Be quiet. And you're going to use this during sibling conflict, when plans do not go the way that you thought they would. When you feel inconvenienced by something during tantrums, kids resisting going to sleep or doing the thing you ask them to do. Use this when you feel emotionally rattled and ruffled before you let the words fan the flame of the emotional fire burning in you. Be quiet long enough to understand it first. Because there could very well be nothing that needs to be said. It could have just been an internal thing that you needed to do and not an external thing that needed to take place. So this is great to use this. Be quiet. When your kids are repeatedly asking you a question you already answered, and they're just hoping that you'll change your mind if they ask enough times. Okay, so that's kind of when we're using be quiet. And again, you can do this. It will always be a good thing to. To take the time to think about what you wanna say before you say it. So if you're overthinking things right now of like, oh my gosh, I. I don't wanna do this at the wrong time. Really consider, like, when would be the wrong time to be quiet? Really, when would it be wrong to be quiet? To take time to think about what you wanna say? Make sure that you're gonna be making a meaningful contribution to this relationship and this exchange. Now, how. How do we be quiet? Just because your mouth is closed does not mean your body language is. Let me say that Again, the language, the words, those are currently closed. Your body language, though, is completely open. That is communicating, that is, that's, that's portraying the message really well. So how we're going to do this is to keep the posture soft and open. Eye contact with your kids, open your shoulders. So you're going to bring your shoulders down away from your ears and pull them back so you're slightly pinching your shoulder blades together. And now all of a sudden, your chest feels so much more open and in, so you feel so much more steady, safe, secure. Because when we feel insecure, what do we do? We bring. We like squeeze our chest together so our shoulders come forward, forward, and they're up towards our ears. And we're feeling so tense and rattled. And you're just literally exacerbating that emotion for your body. Your body experiences become intensified when you become tense. So you're intensifying the tantrum from your kids because you're physically allowing yourself to get tense. And there are things that you control. Do you control all of your emotions? No. Do you control what you're asking your body to do when it experienced that emotion? Yes, you do. You could choose to shake out your hands instead of punch something. You could choose to pull your shoulders down and back instead of allowing them to come up and forward. You control this body language. So having those shoulders down and back, opening up that chest so you can feel more safe and secure. And we're keeping that eye contact with our kids. I like to keep a soft smile. It reminds me, like, what exactly do I even have to be so frustrated about in the first place? This is so little. This is. I mean, this is something we can work through. So I just keep that soft smile because I want to keep my mentality in the place of I'm about to handle this really, really well. I just know it. I know I'm about to handle this really, really well. And I want to set the tone for that. So my soft smile shows I'm here. I'm interested in what you have to say. You have my attention. Show if you, if you feel like, oh, my kids, they just, they just keep going, going, going, trying to get my attention. Give them your attention. Give it to them. That doesn't mean you argue. It doesn't mean you change your mind or you move the boundary. No, it just means you have my attention. My entire body is faced towards you now. I get down to your level. I make eye contact on eye contact with you. You matter to me. That's what your kids Want, they want to feel connected to you, like they belong with you, like there's love there. And you can do that with your body language. You don't do that with arguing. You don't do that with punishing and discipline and consequences. Because they keep asking you the same question over and over again. That's not how that happens. And to tell ourselves anything different would be silly. So when you're doing this with the quiet and you keep that how in mind, like, I'm going to relax my jaw, I have a small space between my teeth, so we're not clenching our jaw. You put your tongue to the roof of your mouth, keep eye contact and show engagement. And if you can have that soft smile, you're physically present and mentally engaged. It's just a lock on your lips to prevent any ill words from slipping out. You're modeling emotional maturity, which is what we want our kids to have. So take a breath. You're going to take lots of them. Just because, just because we're refraining from speaking, we are hyper focused on breathing. If there were a tiger chasing after you, you would breathe really shallow. You would get really tense. It's like your body's preparing to fight or to brace for impact or to brace for that flight that you're going to do. So fight, flight, or freeze. Again, these are things that I teach you in my membership group. I've linked it below for you. If you're interested in emotional and nervous system regulation and intelligence and growing yourself that way, we do the mindset piece and that leads us into the emotional piece and our behaviors piece. So it's all connected inside of our membership and I'll help you out there in really practical ways that you can model these things and pass them on to your kids. Ultimately, I want everything that I teach you to be something you can pass on to your spouse, to your kids, to your sisters, to your aunts and uncles, to your own parents and everyone following, following after that. Like, the impact that we have, the opportunity to make is so great. It's, it's fantastic. So anyway, if you have those really shallow breaths, you're telling the body, prepare for fight, brace yourself for impact, or to get ready to flee. If you take those belly breaths, like relaxing your belly and letting it expand, it tells the body, hey, there's actually no tiger coming for me. I'm safe here. And then you drop into those other physical components that we had talked about. Shoulders down, jaw relaxed, um, you can get down to their level. There's lots of things that you can do. So now let's move into this other part that I promised we would talk about on this episode. Why is it so hard to do? Why is it so hard to be quiet for five seconds? Why is it so hard to be. To just add one more minute to that text response that we almost sent to our teenager? Why is it so hard to just add a little bit more time before we choose to respond? That's the question here. Well, one, it's so difficult because it's suffocating your victim mentality. Everyone's got a victim mentality. Don't get all up in arms, defensive about it. We've all got one. Your awareness of it is going to be a superpower for you. So the faster you allow yourself to accept that you have a victim mentality, the more you'll be able to do about it. Telling yourself, I don't have victim mentality. I mean, seriously, then why do you get so offended about inconveniences and things that have nothing to do with you? Why do you. Why do you assume that things are just happening to you, that you have it harder than somebody else and life. Life itself is just out to get you? Of course this happens to you. Of course the kids are fighting bedtime. Of course they're not eating the dinner that I spent so much time making. Of course, no one even noticed. No one told me. Thank you. All of that is victim mentality. So let's just be on the same page here. We all have victim mentality, Tessa included. Tessa's just really aware of her victim mentality. And I'm. That's what I'm trying to teach you how to do. So we can be aware together. We could be in this together. So. So we're suffocating the victim mentality. The victim mentality needs. Oh, my gosh. It needs to express why you're not at fault, why it's them and not you. All of that talk is fuel to its fire. All of that. Here's the thing. Subconscious ruminating on those thoughts, allowing of. Of those 60,000 thoughts. Remember we talked about 80% and negative 95% are repetitive. Of those. How many of those are coming from the victim mentality? You're not just being quiet to repeat the same flipping, unhelpful thoughts that you had the first time. I told you, it's very rare that my first thought, my first perspective is the one that I want to operate off of and the thing that I want to say to the other person. Very rare. It's very rarely like, really helpful for me. It takes thinking, a conscious act of thinking to get there. So since we all have victim mentality, it needs you to express that it's not your fault. It's them, not you. It's fuel to its fire. So you have to choose to suffocate its source of oxygen, which is the expression. It's the ruminating on your action act, your conscious act to change your perspective, to seek out someone else's perspective, to ask yourself difficult questions. Your conscious act to do that is rebelling against the victim mentality, which I think the victim mentality is directly associated with Satan. Like, no one else is going to create something like that except the freaking devil himself, okay? It ruins relationships. It somehow turns a newborn against you. That's what a victim mentality does. A victim mentality says, here's this newborn making my life so difficult. Here's this newborn that won't let me exercise. Here's this newborn that makes it so I can't be intimate with my husband because of the baby. Like, that is just the work of the devil himself. There's nothing else. Nothing else except that. That's just my personal belief in it. So that's why I actively fight so hard against it. And I personally believe that the victim mentality is the enemy of motherhood. You and I, as moms, we can agree or disagree on a lot of things. And so long as we both understand, like the victim mentality is the real enemy, we will make so much forward progress together because it means our kids aren't the enemy. Our spouse is not the enemy. Our own parents, our neighbors, our. The strangers in our life, people on social media, they're not the enemy. It's the victim mentality in my own mind that's the enemy. And we can all band together to fight against that. So you have to choose to suffocate. So suffocate its source of oxygen. If you want the flame to die out, this is. This is up to you. If you want the flame to die out, you must suffocate its source of oxygen. The second reason why it's really hard is become. Is because you become aware of your own emotional maturity. Oh, boy. Listen, it's taken me years to build up my emotional intelligence and maturity just to match being 30 years old and. And I still have a heck of a lot of room for growth. I mean, I am the first one to raise my hand saying, who needs to work on themselves? Tessa Romero's hand is the first one up. I'm sitting front row, front seat from everyone that can teach me, because I know I have so much work to do on myself. I just also know that I have so much value to share. I've learned so much in this pursuit of working on myself that I want you guys to be able to learn everything that I've been able to learn faster than me and better than me and more thoroughly than I did. And I want us to be able to all do it together. So it seems like it would just be really silly and selfish to sit on all this information that I've been able to gather and collect and ways I've been able to improve and enrich my own life just because. What? I'm not the greatest at it. I'm not the best at it. I'm not the leading expert, who the freak cares. I'm someone that can talk about it. I'm someone that has lived experience. I'm someone that strongly believes in these things. I'm someone that has strong morals and values and a heart of Christ, and I want to share this. So that's what I'm going to freaking do. And that's why you're here, too. You're not here because, oh, Tessa's just the best at this. No, you're here because Tessa gets it. Tess is doing this work, too. Tessa said that her first thought is rarely the one that she wants to say. Her first perspective is rarely the most helpful one. It's usually the hurtful one, actually. So when we're forced to face our emotional maturity, it can feel like just a burning in your gut and a sting in your chest, because you want to be better than that. I want to be better than that. And the reality is, we don't just get better than we are without first acknowledging where we're at. That's like putting in coordinates. You want to go to Florida. You want to go on this big vacation. You want to go to Florida. So you open up your iPhone, you put in the maps, take me to Florida. Take me to Destin, Florida. And your maps say, great, I would love to take you there. I would love to see you be there. Please just enter your starting coordinates so that I can get you proper directions. That is the power of acknowledging where you're at emotionally, mentally, spiritually, physically. Acknowledge that, and you can actually get a roadmap to where the heck you want to go. So facing your emotional maturity is vulnerable, and it can feel unsafe. So we call on the victim mentality to blame someone else, to complain about what they're doing, and Justify our own wrong behavior so that we can feel innocent and thus believe we're safe. However, innocence is not the same thing as safe. If. If this is something that you need help with, healing that trauma, growing your emotional maturity, come to my membership. I. I feel like I'm just gonna keep saying that that is where I can actually help you. This episode. I hope it helps. And there's gonna be parts of your mind that's like, oh, but like, what about when this happens? And I know your brain's doing it right now. And here's the thing. There can be as many exceptions as you want, and there can be as little exceptions as you want. I want very little exceptions in my life of when I choose to live outside of alignment with who I wanna be. And when I choose to break my style of integrity, I want there to be very, very few, if any, exceptions to that. So those two points of, like, we all have a victim mentality, and facing that emotional maturity feels really raw and vulnerable. So we call on the victim mentality. And that's why it's so hard to be quiet. Because the victim mentality knows. I need you to speak. I need you to prove that it's their fault. I need you to prove that we have it more difficult, we have it harder than them, that no one else understands. That's what it's doing. So now what I would love to do with you is tie this back into scripture. Because when. When we're going through this and. And we're opening up this idea of. Of choosing to be quiet. And again, guys, like, be quiet for five seconds in response to your child starting that tantrum. They ask you again, they're repeating the question. Mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom. Be quiet for 30 seconds. You're not ignoring. We're going to get into the Q and A part. You're not ignoring. Remember we talked about that physical presence, that mental engagement. You're just thinking and you're modeling to your kids, hey, it's okay to take time to think. Who doesn't want their kids to really believe and sincerely understand? The best thing I can do is just take time to think about it. Think before I speak. Think before I act. Think before I make a commitment. That's a really great thing for us to be teaching our kids how to do. So I want to tie this back into scripture. So that way, when you're taking your five seconds or few minutes or however much time, depending on the circumstance that you need, if it's a text, take a few more Minutes take a day. If it's a tantrum happening in front of you, count to 10. Let one minute go by. If your toddler is fighting, going to sleep, resisting, going to sleep. I could tell you from personal experience, my toddler does this as I lay next to him at night. He's two years old. I lay next to him on his bed. And he'll just say, I don't want you to snuggle me. I want you to snuggle me. No, I don't want you to snuggle me. Oh, I don't want this blanket. I want to go snuggle on the couch. I need a drink of water. I want to change my pajamas. I want the red blanket. I want the yellow blanket. Guys, we don't even own a red or yellow blanket. He's just talking. And instead of engaging with that, which I know would just make bedtime go even longer, it would wake him up even more. I can change my perspective because I'm thinking actively. What is this like for him? Well, this is what it looks like for him to work through his tired feelings. He gets a little indecisive when he feels tired. Learn something new every day. My toddler. My toddler gets indecisive when he feels tired. He's tossing, he's turning, he's wrestling. He loves life so much, he just wants to stay awake. And I think that's really sweet. What do I have to feel frustrated about when my toddler just loves life so much, he wants to stay awake? And this is what it looks like for him to work through those tired feelings? I don't feel frustrated anymore. That's the power of perspective. And nothing he's saying needs me to respond. Notice that how often, like, seriously, really consider that there are times your kids are saying something to you that does not need your response. There are times that your kids are doing something that does not need your input. There's just so much power in intentionally choosing when you'll respond, the way you'll respond, and what kind of input you're willing to give. So much power. So let's tie it back to scripture, because it's written all over the stinking place. The value of being quiet. Proverbs 13:3. Those who control their tongue will have a long life. Opening your mouth can ruin everything. So just like I said, sometimes your input. Your input is. Is not necessary. You repeating yourself, you arguing, all of that is a choice. And sometimes it really just does more harm than good. So take a second. If you really feel, oh, My gosh. I really need to respond because they just said, I love you. Yeah, you need to respond. Say, I love you, too. There's. There's so much. There's so much room for you to customize this, personalize it, and use your best judgment. If your kids are arguing with you, do you need to argue? No. If your kids are saying, mom, I'm so sorry that I did that, do you want to respond to that? Yes. If your kids say, I love you so much. Thank you. Thank you for being here. Yeah, that would be a great time to break your fast of words and say, I'm so grateful for you. Like, I love you so much. That would be a great time. Remember, we're. We're staying quiet just long enough to get to the second step, which. Next week's episode, I'll walk you through that second step of asking great questions, because sometimes our kids don't find the answers on their own, and they need us to guide them, which is excellent. Arguing is not guiding. Asking questions is guiding. And our kids have wonderful answers within them, so long as we're willing to prompt the right answers to come out. Sometimes we're prompting the wrong answers. We are asking them unhelpful questions like, I mean, there's just so many. So many times we ask questions like, I mean, yeah, that's not the point of this episode. I'll have to get my show notes together for that. We are talking about being quiet, and next week we'll talk about the questions piece. So come back next week for that. So just. Just recognize, like, this is up to your best judgment, how long to be quiet, and when you choose to speak, just make sure it's alignment with the mom that you want to be. That's, like, the way I hold myself to it. Um, our next one, Proverbs 15. 1. A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare. So when we're being quiet, like I said, we're waiting just long enough to come up with that gentle answer or the right question, a better question to ask. And sometimes that takes five seconds. Sometimes that takes two minutes and. And you're gonna be okay. You're gonna be okay. And that gentle answer deflects anger. How many times are the questions you're asking and the assumptions you're making and acting on? And speaking of frustrating your kids, riling them up, getting them angry, probably pretty freaking often. So we are. We're doing good, proactive work on that. James 1:19. Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters. You Must all be quick to listen. Slow. Slow to speak and slow to get angry. Next one. Proverbs 29:11. Fools vent their anger, but the wise quietly hold it back. Like I said, the victim mentality wants you to vent it. That's how it fans the flame. That's where it gets its. Its oxygen for the flame and fuels the fire is by venting all that out. And it's the wise that quietly hold it back. Proverbs 10:19. Too much talk leads to sin. Ah. Be sensible and keep your mouth shut. Too much talk leads to sin. Oh, baby. Anybody else feeling really convicted right now? It's so true, though. It's so true. Too much talk leads to sin. Too much talk leads to sin. Be sensible and keep your mouth shut. Okay, so Proverbs 16:24. Kind words are like honey sweet to the soul and healthy for the body. I. I always like to remind myself, you're never gonna be too kind. You're never gonna give too much. Give as much as you can and be as kind as you can. And I love to live by that, even in my language and my perspective and in the words that I contribute. Those are like honey sweet to the soul and healthy for the body, and they're completely accessible to all of us. There was one more, too. I really have a difficult time saying this word in the Bible, which, I mean, there's a lot of words that are difficult for me to pronounce say in the Bible. And I try really hard to, like, Google it and tell me, okay, how do you pronounce this properly? And honestly, we're just gonna go for it. S. Yeah, How do you say this word? All right, I Googled it. How do we say this? Ecclesiastes. Ecclesiastes. Ecclesiasthes 5, 2. Don't make rash promises. And don't be hasty in bringing matters before God. After all, God is in heaven and you are here on earth, so. So let your words be few. What I. What really stands out to me in that is don't make rash promises. How many times with our kids are we making these rash promises and speaking so hastily? Like, we. Like I said that. That part of, like, we're stretching time when we're being quiet, when you step out of that, you are gonna say things that you wish you could have taken back. You're gonna say things that you didn't mean that way. And then we hurt people's feelings. And then the whole point of what we hoped to accomplish with our kids gets missed, because now we're doing damage control, and we're repairing and we're saying we're sorry. And if we would have just handled it better the first time, given ourselves five seconds, one minute or two to just be quiet and actively think and then follow it with a meaningful question, which we'll talk about in the next episode. If we were to have done that, then an actual lesson can be taught. Something can actually be learned. It's not just, oh, my gosh, now I'm the one in the wrong. Yeah. How often do you find yourself in that? I'm the one in the wrong now? Sometimes you really are. And we can do better than that just by being quiet. So now let's move into the Q and A portion where I asked everyone on Instagram and my Instagram story. When it comes to being quiet, what is difficult for you? What questions do you have? First question, how is this different than a silent treatment? I. I love this question. I grew up with lots of silent treatment. Um, and that was actually my go to coping mechanism when I would feel really triggered was to give a silent treatment. And I did this with my husband in the first three years of our marriage quite frequently. And then I remember I was pregnant with our first son, and we got into this argument about something I wouldn't even be able to tell you because that's much. It didn't matter in our kitchen. And he could just see, like, the look on my face and the way my demeanor changed. He literally said, what, are you just not going to talk to me for two days now? And in that moment, I was shocked. I was shocked that he was able to just so clearly see what my next move was. I was going to give him the silent treatment for two days. And it was a whole demeanor thing. It was a posture thing, it was a tone thing. Um, and that is exactly what I used to be very, very guilty of. So this is different than a silent treatment, though, because as I have very much experience with silent treatment. A silent treatment, you're giving a cold shoulder. You're turning fit. Like your body language completely shuts down the conversation. It's cl. It's closing out the person that you were engaging with. You're closing them out. You're shutting them out. And with being quiet, we're doing the exact opposite. We're opening up our body language. We're bringing this person that we're connecting with closer to us. We may even, like, step closer to them, get down to the level. We're inviting them in more, and we're just keeping our Mouth shut. So there is a big difference in quiet and silent. And I teach that inside of my course that you can get access to inside of my membership. Next question. I'm worried my kids will see it as me withholding, like I saw in my childhood. I feel like this really resonates a lot with the first question. I just wanted to give an extra piece of encouragement here that if you are afraid to do something that you think could be helpful in your motherhood, and you're saying, like, well, I just don't want to do that because that's what was done to me as a child. And, like, I really didn't like it. And there is, like, so much goodness to that. Like, so much righteousness in that choice, because some things really were wrong. And then there are other things that we're able to recognize. Shoot. Is this actually the right thing for me to do? Like, set a boundary with my kids? There are a lot of parents that will not set boundaries with their kids and hold true on those boundaries or let their kids just face a natural consequence. They won't do it because. Because of the way that it felt as a child when they went through it. So they're trying to protect their kids from that. Well, the thing is, like, with the victim mentality, that goes back to your victim mentality rescuing someone else, you're either persecuting them for doing the wrong thing or you're rescuing them from facing that thing. And that doesn't do our kids justice. When we refuse to have boundaries with our kids because we don't want them to feel how we felt as a kid, that does not serve them in life. When we also don't let them face natural consequences. Like, hey, if you broke someone's. Someone's swim goggles, you're gonna go walk up to those parents and you're gonna let them know that you broke them. I'm not doing that for you. Go ahead. Like, put them in those situations where they right their wrongs. They face the natural consequences of things. That is a huge justice for them. That really serves them. So when it comes back to the way I saw it in my childhood, there's healing work to be done there. Like, if you were abused in your childhood. Yes. Let that be the teacher for you of, like, that's wrong, that's wrong. And I'm going to do better and let it still be healthy. Better and healthy can coexist. Boundaries are healthy. Natural consequences are healthy. Difficult conversations, touchy topics. All are healthy. And being quiet is healthy. So doing Your own healing work here will actually empower you to feel safe. Safe being quiet with your kids and heal this part in you, that's like, oh, that's what it was supposed to be like. That's what it was supposed to look like. This is what it's meant to feel like to be connected and quiet, to really value my kids so much, to love this person so much that I refuse to say something unkind, untrue, or hurtful to them. I refuse. That's one of my affirmations. I refuse to say, like, with my spouse, I'll say, I love him so much. I refuse to say something hurtful. And it, like, it really does feel like a lock gets put on my lips until I'm able to, like, be helpful and kind. Next question. Question number three of ten. I feel like I'm. I feel like I'm ignoring him. Okay, same. We're like, wrapping up these three questions together. Feeling like you're ignoring him. If you personally feel like you're ignoring your child, then really do some ang. Introspective work. Is this coming from my own childhood of the way that I felt like we talked about in question two. Or if you feel like you're ignoring, ask yourself, am I ignoring him? If I. If I were to ask myself, when I'm being quiet with my kids, if I were to ask myself, am I ignoring him? A clear, resounding no would come through my mind and, like, the truth of my body would reveal itself. I am so mentally engaged and present and. And connected and inviting with him right now. I'll hold his hand. I'll. I will have physical touch even when I'm being quiet. That doesn't mean I distance myself. It's. I'm not cold. I'm warm. I'm warm. So if that means I grab his hand and we go walk to a separate room together so we can talk about things mid him screaming in the kitchen while you never give me what I want and I always have to eat these things, like, whatever it is. I could just quietly walk over, grab his hand, give him a soft smile, and walk him to a bedroom and sit in the rocking chair together and still very quietly think about the way I want to handle this. I've taken us to another room. Would you think that I'm ignoring my child if you saw me do that? No. No. So your body language, the way you choose to physically show up in these moments, makes a huge difference. And it will be like your confirmation of peace over the entire circumstance. And your kids will settle into that safety and foundation that you are establishing so much faster. You'll just. You'll love it. Next question. Question 4 of 10. What if I've been the opposite of quiet? How do I earn, slash, rebuild trust and respect with my kids? And my. My take on this is earn their trust first and model it. So earn their respect and earn their trust first and then model what that reciprocation looks like. There's no such thing as too late. There's only such a thing as giving up. So if your parents think about. I mean, I'm 30 years old, so my mom might be 56 or something, and if she decided, like, oh, I'm gonna make this big change, and she talked to me, she said, I'm making this big change, and she really lived through that, and, and true to it, I would be grateful. I would. I wouldn't say, you're too late. Like, no, there's no. It would make a difference to you if your parents decided to change, to do something different today? Would it matter to you? And the answer is, yes, it matters. We like to see people grow. We like to see people heal. Regardless of how much we're willing to have that person engage, interact in our life, if we're feeling resentful and angry towards someone else's healing, healing and growth and trying to make things right, then that is our own work to do. It is no longer the other person. It is you. And I have faced that for myself, too. When my mom wanted to make things better and I was the one that's like, no, well, that is for me to work on. There's nothing she can do about that. That's. That's a me thing. So if you've been the opposite of quiet, I would encourage you to have a proactive conversation with your kids. Let them know that you recognize what you've been doing is wrong. Being able to acknowledge when you're wrong helps to rebuild trust and respect a hundred percent. If your boss were to do that with you, if your spouse were deal with you, you'd be like, oh, my gosh, I feel like I can really trust you. Like, I feel like you're someone that's going to recognize when you're on the wrong road and you're going to do everything you can to get back on the right road. So have a proactive conversation. Let them know I recognize that what I've been doing is wrong. It's wrong for me to speak to you like this. It's wrong for me to model this Behavior for you guys. I. I know you guys just want to do what works and what's right, and you're looking to me to model what works and what's right. So I'm holding myself accountable. What I'm going to start doing moving forward is when you guys do this, I'm just going to keep myself quiet for at least five seconds so I can think about what's really happening and giving you guys what it is that you really need. Because you don't need me to yell at you. You don't need me to say things I don't mean, get them all on the same page, repair that and be proactive moving forward. Because I also believe that while repair is important, it also starts to lose its power and its impact when it's overused. It's just like the word no. The word no is really strong. It's very powerful. And when you overuse it, it loses its impact. It loses its strength. So that was. That's our answer there. Our Next question. Question 5. I asked my kids to do something, and then they just ignore me until I yell. Okay, so first, yelling is a choice. It's always a choice. There's no making me yell, which wasn't necessarily the wording here. Just if that's the mentality behind it, make sure you get that in check. Yelling is a choice. Arguing is a choice. Um, so my guidance here for you is to make your presence known and withhold the words. So physically your presence is known. I like to tell myself quiet observations, quick corrections. So if I observe that the TV is causing some behavioral issues, I will quietly make that observation. I will quickly make a correction. The quick correction is, okay, everyone, we're going outside. Hey, let's go to a park and go play catch. I want everyone's help to make dinner tonight. Like, I won't even talk about the tv because I know that that would just start an argument. And I'm just acting on that quiet observation that I made. So you. How can you make more quiet observations and quick corrections? That doesn't mean that you're explaining to your kids what you're doing. Sometimes they don't need to know. And make your presence known and withhold the words. Your presence. Your presence can speak for itself. Ask what you'd like them to do. Confirm they heard you by asking them to repeat it back. And if it's a no, I'm not going to do that. Or just refusal. Get closer than physically. Keep eye contact, smile softly. Honestly, what is there to be so upset About. Anyway, here's a child learning to communicate. That's all it is. What is there to be so upset about? You think, oh, well, they should just respect me and obey the first time. Why? Why? Why not let them face the consequences of their own behavior? Why not let them sit with the feelings of guilt when they treat you poorly? Those are things they need to learn in life. They need to know what it feels like to say things that are unkind to someone else. And, yeah, we're going to be the first people that they experience that with, and they can actually learn faster from it when we just let them face it and we let them sit with the things that they're saying and recognize the things that they're doing instead of giving them this whole display and show that distracts them. So keep your eye contact, smile softly, and hold your sacred ground. The only way this ends is with the cooperation. And it's okay if it takes some time to get there. I like to tell myself, I've got all day to teach him. I've got all day, kiddo. I can absolutely last one minute longer than you. If he says, I'm not gonna vacuum the kitchen. Oh, you're not gonna vacuum the kitchen, huh? And I'll just think that he's not gonna pack in the kitchen, huh? And then I just stay quiet and I keep my. I get closer to him. I might even hold his hand. And then he might even say, mom, I just really don't want to vacuum the kitchen. And then I'll say, yeah, I know. Sometimes I don't really feel like vacuuming the house either. And I always feel so much better once it's done. And it would be a great help for me if you would vacuum the kitchen now, please. And that I would be shocked if my kids still said no. And if they still said no, maybe we need more time connecting. Maybe I need to take a step aside with him and like I said, go to the other room, sit in the rocking chair together, just keep talking, keep chatting. Being very quiet between asking him better questions, letting him know how much I appreciate his example that he sets for his other brothers. Do I appreciate the exact example he's setting that moment? No. That's why we're in another room talking about it. I can be quiet, though, long enough for me to recognize what is the most helpful and effective thing for me to do right now, because my child telling me no does not determine how this goes. I determine how this goes. Okay, next question is being quiet. Letting them get away with behavior no, no. This is part one of two where you're going to marry two tools together. So we. First, it's be quiet long enough to understand and form your next intentional and kind response. And the second part is that kind and intentional response, usually in the form of a question. You're able to ask a good question and you can still acknowledge behavior. Like if my 2 year old throws a block at his other, at one of his other brothers, I can walk over to my 2 year old, grab his hand, walk him into another room or just to another area of that room and have him sit on my lap until I am ready to talk about that block. Until I know for certain this is the direction I want to take us in. It's just a way for you to get really intentional and purposeful in both your body language and your communication. So, next question. If I'm quiet, then my kids just keep saying, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, what? Then my guidance. Stay quiet, keep your presence known and you can even add. I'm thinking about what to say next. Then pause, Let it be quiet. I think best when it's quiet. If you want me to hurry and have an answer, then try being quiet like me so we can both think better. Do you, do you recognize how long it took me to say that? It took me what, 12 seconds. 12 seconds to say that. Pause. Slow down, slow down. When they're, when they're just saying, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, what? Then be quiet. Let them know I'm taking time to think about this. You could even let them know you matter so much to me. I want to make sure I say something kind and I just need, I need one minute to think about the kind thing to say next and then be quiet. No matter if they keep saying mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, Just be quiet. Physically, presence is there. You're connected, you're open, you've got this. You're engaged. Mentally, you're interested. Remember, instead of our kids begging for our attention, just give it to them. Give them your attention. Of course they're going to beg for your attention if you're not giving it to them. And attention is more than just words. Um, okay, next question. When to intervene with sibling fighting versus when to stay quiet. Personally, I can intervene physically without saying a single word. And it's actually one of my favorite things. Um, so most times kids, kids know what they're doing is wrong. If my 6 year old hits any of his brothers, he knows it's wrong. If my 4 year old hits his brothers, he knows it's wrong. If my two year old calls them a name or throws a block or hits them any variety of his wild bag of tricks, he knows it's wrong. They already know what they're doing is wrong. And most times I need a minute to emotionally regulate and situate myself if I want to be effective. So I can go pick up the one kiddo or grab his hand and walk him over to the couch and sit quietly until ready. And this is just a normal behavior in our, in our home that my kids are never like, what the heck is going on? Maybe at first your kids are going to be like, what the heck is going on? Where are you taking me? Where are we going? I don't want to go. And you just take them on over to the couch and you ask them, do you want to sit on my lap or do you want to sit next to me? There's a question. Where would you like to sit? On my lap or next to me? It's not. There's no other choice. This is what you can do. And this is the way that I personally approach it. And usually they choose to sit on my lap because they want to be closer to me. I say, okay, so I sit on my lap and I just let them lay against me. And I take all the time that I need to understand what is the next step that needs to happen, what really happened. Instead of entertaining everyone's idea of what just happened, I like to just form my questions first and then, and then go from there. Sitting on the couch though, if your kids are feeling really aggravated, very triggered emotionally, and their nervous system's dysregulated and so is yours, don't go to the couch and sit down. Go to your backyard or your front yard and hold hands and walk to the street corner and back or walk around your backyard a few, a few laps around the grass holding hands. That's an excellent way to get yourself regulated, which is going to result in a better interaction together. So again, those are all things that I teach you in my membership of ways that you can practically be regulating and why it's so important. I'll coach you through that in the membership group so you can still intervene with sibling fighting and be quiet and you'll actually do a better job of it if you're quiet. Okay, question nine. My kids demand an answer even though I've repeated myself. So no one can make you argue or repeat yourself. Do it if you want to. Don't do it if you don't let them see that what they're doing does not work to get what they want. They've learned at some point in time. They're doing this because at some point in time they learned it works with you. Now you need to dedicate some time. It is going to take some time for them to learn it does not work. And to show them what will work. Your communication skills, build healthy communication. Your communication skills, build their communication skills. So if you keep going back and forth, right? So like your kids bait you into an argument and you take the bait and then you guys are going back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. They've learned, this is how I get what I want. This is how I get. I just have to ask my mom enough times and then she's finally going to give it to me. I just have to do this silly noise loud enough, long enough, and then my mom's finally going to give me what I want. When did they learn that? Who did they learn that from? It's a learned behavior. So, yeah, it's going to be dedicating some time for them to unlearn that. And you can do it. Just know I just need to last one minute longer than you. One minute longer. They keep demanding one minute longer than them. They'll stop, they'll get bored of it. They'll realize it doesn't work. And if there comes a time where you're like, I really need to say something, tell them what to do instead, tell them what will work. I hear that that's what you want. If you would like to ask me again, here's how you can ask me. Or if that is what you would like, tell me when I said you can have it again. We're going to get into the power of asking questions, which is question number 10. What's after I've been quiet. Join me on next week's episode where I'll teach you how to ask an effective question. The things to avoid, the things to make sure you and how to experience the very best result. Um, so, yes, this was a longer episode. I hope it was super helpful for you. I tried to pull in a lot of different components to encourage you to give being quiet a try and see just how much it can benefit you, your home, increase your emotional maturity, um, and suffocate the heck out of that victim mentality. I hope to see you in my coaching membership friends, and I will see you next week.