131. Ask Questions: Part Two Parenting Tools

Welcome back to the show, sweet friend. My name is Tessa Romero. I'm your host here at the momset Podcast, and I created momset as a place for us to come together and truly learn and master tools that help us heal so much of what it is that we're projecting and navigate motherhood in a way that we feel really freaking fired up and proud of. So I want you to just feel excited when you have the opportunity to regulate yourself and excited when you have the opportunity to shift your perspective and heal a trigger that's coming up from your own childhood, rather than viewing these things in a really apprehensive way of, oh, this is too big for me, this is too scary. I want us to have a little bit more enthusiasm and eagerness to do so because we have the tools. So I hope that the momset podcast and my membership are places that you start learning more and better tools right alongside me. Because I am the first to say that I am not knee deep in this work right alongside you. So I wanted to do a two part episode. This is part two. And I want to make sure that you've first listened to the Be quiet episode, episode 130 that I recently posted last week. Listen to that one. First about being quiet. Because this episode is all about asking questions, asking better questions so that you can be a more skillful communicator with your kids rather than just acting on that anger that you feel. And maybe you're in a position where you've noticed that you're saying just consequences for your kids and going right into discipline and speaking before you even really understand what's happening. And then more information comes forward and you're like, dang, I really wish I would have known that or understood that before I said these things, because now I don't even want to hold up this consequence. I don't want to discipline you. And that's a really difficult position for us to find ourselves in as moms. And really, it feels like so painful because it's also out of alignment with the mom that we want to be the majority of the time. And when we give that quick consequence, it's up to us to follow through on it. So when we say if you do that again, then you're not watching a movie today, well, now we are the ones that need to follow through on that. And our kids are going to keep asking, mom, can I watch that movie? Can I watch the movie? Can I watch the movie? And you're like, well, I told you not to do that thing. And Then you did it again. Anyway, so I told you, there's no movie day. There's no movie day. And they just keep pushing, pushing, pushing, wearing you down. Your level of patience is dwindling quickly, and you finally say, fine, whatever. Just go turn on the movie. Well, what did your kids learn? Because you refused to be quiet and seek that understanding through asking better questions. Refused to do that first. So we entertained the argument, we engaged in the consequence. We said the thing that we didn't mean, and now we're trying to change it all around. Our kids learned, well, my mom doesn't really say what she means, and she doesn't mean what she says. So since I know that about my mom, she doesn't say what she means and she doesn't do. She doesn't say what she means, and she doesn't mean what she says. There we go. If I know that about my mom, then. Then I can just keep repeatedly asking the same thing over and over and over and over and over again, and eventually I'll get what I want. And that is exactly what our kids learn, which is so difficult for us. So I want to give you a little bit of encouragement that if you are listening to this episode and you're like, oh, my gosh, I'm totally in that position where my kids have learned. If they just ask me enough times, it wears me down, and I'm going to eventually give him. Just be encouraged. Be encouraged to know that you can actually change that pattern around the same way that it started. You taught your kids that, which means you're an excellent teacher and they're excellent little learners. We just want to teach something different this time. And because they learned the first thing we can trust, they're going to learn this, too. They're absolutely going to learn this, too. And you'll be shocked, shocked how quickly they learn this. When you do it consistently a few times in a row, they learn, oh, this isn't working, this isn't working, this isn't working. And maybe they experience a little bit of frustration, rightfully so. Learning feels frustrating. There is a gap between what we know and what we need to learn. And that gap of the unknown is a frustrating place to be in your mind. Experiences that frustration, too. So as I'm trying to teach you to be quiet, it might feel frustrating for you to be quiet. Your kids might feel frustrated when you choose to be quiet. Why? Because you're not meeting their expectation. And I. I just think it's really important to put all this understanding out here so that you don't think you're doing something wrong if your kids get frustrated when you are quiet or you ask them a question. So make sure you listen to the past episode first, though, because quiet and silent treatment are totally different. Quiet is not permission for your kids to just walk all over you. I like to view it as, when I am quiet, I'm showing my kids, you have met the boundary. You've reached the boundary. Here it is. And I am willing to uphold this boundary. I am going to wait it out. That's what quiet is in my mentality. So I'm super present with them. I'm very focused on them. I turn off every distraction around me. If I'm cooking, I. I stop. I. If I need to turn off the stove, I'll turn off the stove. I'll go over to them. I will make sure my entire focus is on them. So it's that reality of, you have my attention and you have reached the boundary. I'm willing to uphold this boundary, and I'm willing to wait it out. And that is what quiet does. And then questions, we get to build on that with our understanding. So if you're in this point of frustration with the way communication has been, give quiet and questions a try with the understanding of they might get frustrated in this process, and I might feel frustrated in this process. And that is proof that we're learning. Learning is a frustrating experience. So this episode about questions, I want to keep it really practical for you to understand. What are the types of questions that we want to be asking and the ways to get better at this? And you guys know, like, I love to read my Bible. I think it is one of the. I've really only been reading my Bible for almost two years now, and it's truly one of the most magnificent sources of personal development, understanding mindset, and just, like, emotional maturity and just so much of what I want in my daily life. The Bible teaches me that. So when people are like, oh, what's your favorite book to read on mindset? Where do you learn this stuff? It's in the Bible. I. I love to read books. You guys know, I set a big goal this year with my books, and I'm constantly going back to my Bible. I start my day in my Bible because there's just no better place for you to understand how these principles all come together and to see yourself as someone that can do all these things. You're someone that can be quiet. You're not someone that's just angry and reactive and yelling and dishing out consequences and just out of control. You're not out of control. And when you read the Bible, you get a vision of seeing yourself as someone that is composed and thoughtful and considerate and compassionate and humble and forgiving. And when you see yourself that way, it's just so much easier to do those things. So I just wanna drop that line of encouragement here. Cause I'm gonna reference a piece of scripture that says in Proverbs 18:13, it says to answer before listening, that is folly and shame. And that is so powerful because what it's saying is when we are speaking, speaking before we understand what it is that we're talking about and what the actual problem is, we create more difficulty. That's the folly and the shame that's coming in. It's such a shame to miss out on that opportunity to just listen, understand, and know, oh my gosh, this is a completely different direction that I was anticipating. And I'm so glad because I thought it needed to go in this really hurtful direction when where I'm gonna need to yell to get their attention. But the reality is I don't need to do that. So what we're focused on is to listen before answering, to understand before answering. If you think there's this pressure on you to give an answer right this second, you're wrong. Your mind is wrong. They have to know right now what they're doing is wrong. That's not true. Oftentimes the thing that people need to know the most is that you, you accept them, they're loved and they belong here. Before you can teach the best lesson about their behavior and their beliefs, they need to know that as a person, I belong here and I can trust the people that are teaching me. So Proverbs 18:13, to answer before listening, that is folly and shame. And that I just want you to take that to heart like I am meant to, to understand something. Seek understanding through listening and asking great questions before I provide my answers. And I see this coming up even in my own parenting all the time. Just that automatic assumption that you make. And in my marriage, quickly making an assumption, thinking you already know what's happening, where this is going, what the problem is, and then communicating from that place when you're wrong. And then that just creates more stress and tension and frustration. So our goal here in asking questions is to get your kids talking more than you are. We want to get them talking more than you and still guiding them as to what it is we're talking about and the type of tone we use with people and the open mindedness that we're all going to just feel so much better with. So we want to get them talking more. And that doesn't mean complaining and screaming and arguing. No, not that kind of talking. Talking more about what it is that they're thinking. Talking more about how they're feeling, Talking more about what they want so that you can understand them better. So getting your kids to talk more than you is a great way to reserve your bucket of patience. I know that sounds a little bit counterintuitive. Like, gosh, my patients wear so thin when my kids just keep talking, talking, talking. Well, that's because you're not guiding them down the right path with the right style of questions. Or you're not guiding at all. You're just saying, huh, okay, yeah, sure. And like what you want, maybe in that moment is for them to stop talking. And your language is communicating something completely different. Like you, you've gotta become a better communicator. And words are the foundation of our human experience. They're how we communicate that in our, in our body language. But they all come together. It's all forms of communication there. And our words are what we use to describe these things, to describe something to somebody else. Our words help us do that. So you can't be in this passive seat of, huh, yeah, sure, okay. Really cool. You're like, tessa, my patience is wearing so thin. Guide better, be a better guide. Ask better questions. You're not even asking questions at that point. You're just doing like half hearted forms of acknowledgement. It's not a real conversation. And your kids are probably still talking because they're trying so hard to get you to engage, to get you to interact, to get you to pay attention. So when you get your kids talking more than you are in this style, it reserves your bucket of patience. Because, you know, I'm just seeking understanding. There's more for me to know about this. And the whole perspective piece shifts in your mindset. Um, and this also helps you to make sure that you say what you mean and you mean what you say the first time. If you're, if you're in this position where you're like, I'm constantly going back on my word. I didn't mean what I said the first time. I wish I could take it back. That's one of the very few things in life that we cannot change. We cannot go back and change what it is that we said. However, we can be very limited with our words. And remember, I can always add more that's one of the most powerful things that I like to remember in my style of communication is I can always say more. I can always add more to this. I'm going to start with less. Especially in communication with my kids. I'm going to start with less. When I feel frustrated and my husband and I are on just a different page about something, I can always add more. I'm going to start with this. I can always go back and say more. So if you feel like it all comes out for you as word vomit and it's just verbal diarrhea, it's so bad, so ugly, so gross and foul, remember this. I can always go back and say more. I can always say more. I can just never take it away. Once it's been said, you cannot take it back. You still remember things that were said to you when you were so, so, so little. I mean, for some of us, remember things that were said to us starting at the age of three or two, and we have more vivid memories around the ages of 6 and 7. And gosh, those teen years when we were in a work environment, when we were in a relationship, we were in a friendship, when we got that text, that phone call, whatever it is, like, we remember these words. They really do shape our human experience. So. So just taking it as like, we want so badly to just treasure this exchange and really cherish this exchange and make a meaningful attempt at getting it right. Meaning saying what I mean and meaning what I say the first time, and then there's no consequence for you to follow through on so many times, guys, we don't even need to say a consequence. The consequence already happened. It already happened. The kids hit each other. Yeah, the consequence already happened. It hurts. It hurts. And now what's the consequence for the person that hit? They're witnessing someone else hurt. And that hurts. Especially for children that are so in tune with others and, like, emotionally aware of others that that is the consequence in itself. That's what I believe anyway. And it makes parenting so much easier because I don't need to spank you or hit you back or show you how it feels like, well, you're experiencing the pain of being hit and you're experiencing the pain of being the type of person that does that. And that sucks. And I need to help you know that physically this will pass and for you over here, emotionally and mentally who you really are, because I refuse to let one of my kids get stuck on this narrative of, oh, I'm, I'm a bad kid. That's why My words matter so much. You're so kind, right? Going back to speaking life over them. So we are in an episode, though, about questions. Okay? So if you're quick to consequences and have a hard time following through on what you said you're going to do, then you need a little more time with your lips zipped and a few questions that get your kids talking more than you. That's the point. The person asking questions and has few words is always more in control of the conversation than the one explaining. And you've witnessed this when you are in a job interview or you're in that, that office setting and someone's asking you questions you like and you're the one explaining, you're like, oh my gosh, they're the ones in control. And really observe this. When you're, when you're arguing with your kids and they're asking you questions and they're, They're. It's like they have the control of the conversation. And that's what it feels like. This other person is in control of the conversation. I'm over here over explaining, wishing I could, like, reword something, and I'm talking way too much. If you want to be the one in the. In control of the conversation with your kids and the direction things go, you need to be the one talking less and asking the right questions. Then you can have a more clear insight to them. And again, you've listened. First you're asking questions, and now you can see what the real problem is. It's very likely that your first perspective is your negative one. And the first idea of what needs to be solved is incorrect. It's very likely that's what I've experienced. For me, it's frequently my first perspective is the negative one. And when I'm quiet, I allow myself to kind of workshop that before I try pursuing a solution. Because my first idea of what the problem even is is usually wrong. And I'm like, oh, shoot, I've got a lot to learn over here. So our goal here is to gain that insight to them because we've got, We've gotten them talking more. The more you can get them to talk, the more you can understand what's going on emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually for them. And once you understand what's really going on, you can then teach them and show them what, what tool or value or understanding they're missing. And then you can provide that and fill in that gap. And you end up actually feeling more connected with your kids because of these difficult moments. The difficult moments Are no longer the thing that drive you guys apart and drive a wedge in the relationship. They actually become the thing that nurture and, like, weave everybody closer together. They pull the strings of the family closer and, and tighter together. We understand each other much better. There's greater trust. We see, like, wow, when I have a hard time, my mom connects really well with me. And you notice, like, the hard times are actually happening less frequently. Less frequently. Because the real problem is getting solved. Behavior is a symptom of a problem. Behavior is not the problem. There's a reason why they're acting that way. So you getting really good at the quiet part. Now you're going to take it into the questions part. I want to start by, I mean, we had that whole start of, you know, what we're doing and why it's so important. Now let's get into the practical approach. What do you need to do to ask great questions to your kids? Number one, you know, be quiet and observe so you have the time to think. If you're typically someone that's quiet for one second, basically the time that it takes for you to turn around and just see their faces. If you're typically quiet for one second, go for 10 seconds. Give yourself a little benchmark to reach. Literally count to 10, count to 10. And in that time, I just want you to observe. Use your senses to observe. Use your eyes. What do you see? Use your ears. What do you hear? Where are you? What is the real setting here? Get back into the facts. How old are my kids? What real life experience do they have? Ask yourself some better questions too, and that will help you. So number one, getting quiet and observing so you have the time to think. Then when you feel like, okay, I've been quiet long enough, it's time for me to say something. If you still don't know what to say, then you have not been quiet long enough. It's okay for you to sit in the discomfort. It's going to feel uncomfortable. That's okay. It's going to feel uncomfortable for your kids. That's okay. It's okay for you to sit in that discomfort and think. And if your kids are so adamant about getting an answer, just let them know I'm thinking. Show them what it looks like to keep your mouth shut while you're thinking. That's a great thing for our kids to learn. I honestly wish I would have learned that a lot earlier. Didn't know you could do that. Here I am, four kids later, 10 years married. I'm like, would you look at that I could actually think with my mouth closed. So you can let them know something like that. I'm thinking you could even let them know. It's important to me that I handle this really well. I'm thinking about what to do next. Keep everyone together. You be quiet, stay present. Do everything it takes to keep you there in that moment, no matter how long it takes. I am a firm believer that there's a kind way to say anything and everything that you want to say. And if you don't know the kind way yet, then you just need more time to think about it. I teach that to my kids too. I live by that myself. There is a kind way to say everything and anything. And if you don't know the kind way, then you just need more time to think about it. There's always a question to ask. And if you don't know the question, then you just need more time to think about it. And being curious is a really strong characteristic and quality for us to have. It improves our life tremendously. So after, once you're to the place where you're like, okay, I'm ready to ask a question, what's the practical way to phrase my questions? To ensure the best possible outcome, here's what you're going to avoid. I want you to avoid using the word do and did. If you use the words did and do, you are more likely setting up a short ended question. And we want to avoid short ended questions because they're so easy to get short answers. Like when, if we were to say let's, let's talk about the word do. Okay. Do you want to play outside? Yes or no? Do you think that was the right choice to make? Yes or no? Maybe. Do you want other kids to stop playing with you? No. We are, we are not getting information. We're just, when we use the word do and did, we are in this, this pattern of short ended questions which totally defeats the purpose of asking the question in the first place because you and I just explained for a hot freaking minute why why it's so important to ask questions that allow us to gain understanding. And those styles of questions are actually called open ended questions. So you're going to become excellent at asking open ended questions. An open ended question is rarely if ever going to start with do and did. That just sets us up for short answers. Yes, no, maybe. Fine. Good. Okay. It's just, it's, it's not helping you change your perspective of your kids and you need to want to change your perspective of your kids. If you want to make a real positive difference and truly help people when they're having a hard time. You need to have the best and most generous perspective you possibly could have them. So changing your perspective of them first is a really crucial step in doing so. So if we're avoiding the short ended questions like do you want to play outside? Do you think that was the right choice to make? Do you want other kids to stop playing with you? If you see, if you see a, a poor choice or a bad behavior, whatever, and you ask, do you want other kids to stop playing with you? That's not teaching anything and it's not understanding why your kids are doing in the first place. So here's what you're going to use instead. Instead of did and do, you're going to use what and how and why is another awesome one. So what, why and how? Taking those same examples, let's plug in a what instead of a do. Do you want to play outside? No. Short ended question. What do you want to play outside? Open ended question. It's so much easier for our kids to really think, what do I want to play outside? And then they're going through their ideas and then you're getting a better insight and understanding of them. Do you think that was the right choice to make? Let's plug in what. What would have been a better choice to make if you already know? If you already know it was the wrong choice for them to make, that was a bad choice. If you already know that, you don't need to throw that piece of information back in their face, they likely already know it was the wrong choice too. And when you do that, when you throw the information back in somebody's face by asking that short ended question was, do you think that was the right choice to make? Was that the right choice to make? When you ask it like that, already knowing that it was the wrong choice for them to make, you're creating separation in the relationship. You are driving a wedge in that connection with them, which disrupts the trust with them. They're not going to want to open up with you. Because it sounds like judgment, because it is judgment. You are judging them and it doesn't feel good to learn from someone that you feel judged by. And this is something for all of us to work on, myself included. Sometimes I'm still asking these questions and every time I ask a question like that, I literally hear it come out of my mouth and I'm like, dang it. Because I know the only, the only real logical answer my kids can Give me when I ask a question like that is no. So in the process of me trying so hard to do these things and I'm still sometimes asking these short ended questions, especially when I'm facing that frustration of their, of their behavior and their choices, their answer, the only one that really makes sense is no. And I know that when it flipping leaves my mouth. So I'm still working on the, the. The maturity and discipline that it takes to be quiet long enough to reframe the question. Because it can be the same. The same style of question. One just actually gives me answers and one just creates guilt and shame in them. Do you think that was the right choice to make? How good does it feel for a kid to say no? You can hear it in their tone. If I were to ask them, what would have been a better choice for you to make? We can actually have a conversation. I can get some understanding and the trust in itself is protected. So if you are feeling really unsatisfied with the quality of answers you're getting. No. Okay. Yes, mom, it was good. I don't care. If you're feeling unsatisfied with the quality of answers that you're getting, you must evaluate the quality of questions you're asking. The quality of answers you get can only be as good as the quality of questions you ask. And that's true in every area of our life, especially in our parenting, when we are trying so hard to create a space where more information can be shared between us and our kids. Protecting that trust so that they want to tell us what's going on in their life. If, if they know my mom's gonna actually help me seek out the answer, she's not just gonna throw it back in my face of like, obviously I made the wrong choice. And as they get older and they need guidance, gosh, I know how much guidance I needed. And I didn't have a parent to turn to that I felt like, oh, I could like, tell them what's going in my life about this choice I made. The alcohol, the drugs, the boys. You know, I could have really benefited from someone to talk to. And I just really felt like the adults in my life would have just told me, like, I can't believe you did that. Why would you do that? And that's why. The why question can get a little tricky too, because it can be really judgmental and shaming too. And I just want to be a mom that my kids can come to and say, mom, I made the wrong choice. And I'm really having a Hard time figuring out how to make it right, how to fix it, what a better choice even would have been. I don't even know why I did that. Gosh, that's how I'll know that I, like, did the good freaking work. Is one day when my kids are in their teens, 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, however old, they can come to me and with the understanding that they messed up, and I'm the person that they're seeking out for help and understanding and guidance because I'm someone that always protects who it is that I believe they are. They're a child of God. They're excellent. They're fearless, they're unwavering, they're cherished and treasured and super thoughtful of other people. They're very social and creative, and they're just a good freaking time. They're great people. I mean, seriously, my kids are great people. And as long as they know that's what I believe to be true about you. I really believe I can protect that trust between us where I don't need to be like, just. I don't. I don't even know the right word. I feel. I feel like I can just trust that when there's something going on, they're going to tell me about it. If I protect these. These years with them and I handle things this way, then when there's something going on, they're going to let me know. And I've seen my kids do this. When my son broke my office window with a golf ball, he was playing golf in the backyard, and the golf ball hit my office window. He came inside, and he's like, mom, I did something, and I don't want to tell you because I don't want to get in trouble. And I. And then at that part, it kind of, like, stung a little bit because I was like, dang it, he thinks he's gonna get in trouble if he, like, tells me something he did wrong. And then I just said, you know, the only way I can help you is if you tell me. And I knew. I'm honestly glad he's, like, phrased it that way, because it was a good chance for me to be like, game on. Game face on. I'm ready to be that person for you. And I just said, the only way I can help you is if you tell me. And then. And then he told me, and I was like, all right, we can get the window fixed. You can pay for it. And I. And I told him, like, you can save up money and pay for the window. And we'll just get it replaced. And he was like, oh, I can, I can do my lemonade stand. He was like so excited about the solution to save up that money and pay for the window. And there was no like, greater consequence or punishment outside of that. I mean, yes, we're going to be more mindful of the way we play golf in the backyard. What ball we're using, things like that. That's just like the pro. That's the real problem though that can be solved. My son and his desire to play is not a problem. And him telling about me about it certainly is not a problem. So our quality of questions matter so so much. Avoid using the words do and did. If you're asking questions that you feel really unsatisfied in the answers that you're getting, then you must look at the quality of questions you're asking and really, really try and sit with, like, how often am I asking my kids questions that start with do or did? Did you think that through? Did you forget to do that? Did you, did you turn on that paper? Do you. Gosh, there's just, there's just so many questions that are asking on a daily basis that suck. They're doing more harm than good. So let's rephrase into those open ended questions. Make it more helpful for you. Use what and use how? So what do you want to play outside? What would have been a better choice to make? What do you want other kids to play with you? Instead of do you want other kids to stop playing with you? If you notice your kid having a hard time sharing or hitting another child or saying hurtful things to them instead of do you want other kids to stop playing with you? Let's try asking what do you want other kids to play with you? Help get into the understanding of, first of all, what does your child want friendship to look like? What kind of games do they want to play? How do they want to feel around their friends? That's another question to ask. How do you want to feel around your friends? That's a great question to ask. We could also ask like, how did you see that going in your head? That's one of my favorite things to ask my kids is how did you see that going? Like, how did you see that working out? And again, doing it with such compassion that I'm just there to try and understand what. What did you want the outcome to be when you hit your brother? What were you hoping would happen next when you threw your plate on the floor for dinner because you didn't want to eat the spaghetti. What were you hoping I would do? And ask them? Ask them better questions. You're going to teach lessons through the questions itself and also be able to reveal the underlying problem. The problem reveals itself when we're quiet and ask questions. Assuming that you already know the problem. Again, folly and shame. So using how and what instead of did and do, how can we remember better next time instead of did you forget to do that? Especially if you already know they forgot, don't throw it back in their face. Just shift into that open ended question. What can we do next time to make sure this gets done? Or how can we remember better next time? So pause and be quiet for at least five seconds. You could stretch it out to a minute or two minutes. It's not going to take you very long to really shift the tone of that entire interaction before you choose to start speaking. And then when you start speaking, you actually know what it is that you want to say and what you want the outcome to be. How many times are you talking? And it would have made a big difference if I were in your. If I were by your side saying what are you hoping the outcome is? What do you want to happen next? How did you anticipate that going when you thought to ask them that question? If I were to be there asking you different questions, how much would that impact you? Tremendously. So add in a few seconds, even a minute if you need to, and remember that you're being present and quiet. You can be stern and kind. Quiet is not a free pass for your kids to walk all over you. Quiet shows your kids you've reached the boundary line. And I'm willing to wait this out. It's safe. Quiet is safe. And if your kids are used to you yelling and more of that reactive behavior, it quiet may not feel safe for them at first. And that's your job to know. It's not their job to know that. It's your job to know that. Because if they're pushing against that quiet, rebelling against it, and feeling very dysregulated with it, grab their sweet little hand, give them a sweet hug and let them know I'm just thinking, I love you so much. It matters to me what I say next. So I'm thinking about it first and even validate them in it. I know you're used to me yelling and I've decided to start asking questions instead. And sometimes I am going to take the time, the time that I need to have a question to ask you. It's important to me if you talk to your kids that way, they will settle so much faster. You talk to them that way repeatedly and and it becomes their new expectation. Remember, you're an excellent teacher and they are excellent learners. You're just ready to teach something different and believe me, they are ready to learn. Kids are so good at learning. So once you've res. Once you've observed and asked a helpful question, if you know what you want to teach and that there's a lesson that you want to teach and you're not sure what the lesson is yet, like you don't know what the lesson is that you want to teach, you just know that you want to teach one. Then you need to ask questions and, and build your understanding. It's okay if you don't know what the outcome's going to be. Five minutes from now. Just start asking open ended questions so that way you can gain the understanding and say, oh, here's where I need to teach a lesson. Oh, this makes so much more sense now. So you can take it back to how did you see that working out when you chose to do that? What did you want to happen? Walk me through why you made that choice. The way you phrase your questions can help to protect the relationship and the trust inside that relationship. So I hope that marrying together these two cues, quiet and questions and allowing yourself to put real intention into your behavior more than you're trying to control your kids behavior, understand your own a little bit better and retrain yourself to handle this difficulty. And I'm telling you, you'll really start looking forward to the times that you get to be that person for your kids that you would have loved to have. And it's so healing for you like simultaneously. There's just so much good in that. So don't wish away the tantrums, don't fear them. Look at it in a, in a sense of this is my chance to be the person that I needed and the person that I want to be for them, the person I want them to have, the person, person that I want to be. So I'm super proud of you. I'm grateful that we get to be doing this work together. Remember, I'm knee deep in it as well so I'm practicing all these things and these are just what has helped me so much in asking those open ended questions and being quiet for really helpful periods of time. So I adore you, great job, sweet friend and I will see you next week.