135. Negative Thoughts About Helping Your Kids | Why Not Help?

Welcome back to the momset podcast, my sweet friend. I love that I can count on you to keep an open mind as I share some of the perspectives and things that I've personally been contemplating in motherhood, especially as I put out content on Instagram, for example, and I get some feedback. And some of that feedback is really negative and critical and mean and ugly. And when I read things like that, it really sparks this fire in my mind of what exactly it is that I believe in. So I'm actually grateful for the critical comments because they keep me on track with what it is that I actually believe to be true about my role as a mother, what I'm doing as a mother, what I want as a mother, which in turn obviously helps my mindset. So if you're new here, I'm your host, Tessa Romero. I love to pursue mindset work in motherhood and in marriage, and I create courses and I have an online membership where we do coaching. Inside that membership, you can access all of my courses so you can find out details in the show notes below for the momset membership. And really why I love to do this work is because motherhood matters so much to me. Marriage matters so much to me. I find these to be just my cornerstones in life where I feel the most alive and I feel the most like I have the opportunity to. To be the person that I want to be. And as I see my kids getting older and changing every day right before my eyes, it just reminds me that my moments are fleeting and that's why I take it so serious along with my own, my own experiences growing up and how I really just wanted to do things differently. And I had no idea what that looked like or how to do things differently. And fortunately, I have four gracious boys that, you know, are in it to win it with me. And we're learning as we go each day. So this episode is more so about our willingness to help, to serve seamlessly. I've shared this concept of seamless service before on Instagram and on the podcast. So there's an episode specific to that. Basically, seamless services see a need and fill it. Get out of this keeping score, building up resentment mentality of you shouldn't do something because they're not doing it too, and just see the need and fill it because it's the right thing to do. And, and it, it displays more of who you want to be, who you believe you are even when other people aren't. And it actually inspires everyone else to contribute in those ways more as well, so Steven Serv. Goodness, serving seamlessly and staying focused in our motherhood. Well, I am a big believer in helping my kids. I recently did an episode about really sharing the load and sharing the responsibilities with my kids more for the point of building up their self esteem. And I've loved, I've loved sincerely the way that I can see it has built their self esteem, their confidence, and honestly, just this like more unbothered presence around their brothers, they're all getting along so much better with one another and I can say that that's likely coming from them feeling so good about themselves, so capable within themselves. And following that episode, I also think it's really important to talk about this part of when are we choosing to help and why? So recently on my Instagram, it was actually a little bit ago. I can tag the reel for you in the notes below so you know exactly what I'm talking about. I posted a reel though, and it was communicating with my 6 year old. And I asked him to put on his jacket and go outside and do the dog poop. And he threw a little bit of a fit about it, said, and then he didn't want to. No. And I asked him, I used our script that we, that we lean into to help us remember kind and respectful communication with one another. I hold myself just as accountable to that. And I asked him, who are you talking to? He said, you. I said, who am I? He said, my mom. I said, that's right. And how do you talk to Mom? He said kindly. I said, okay, so ask me again, kindly. Tell me again, kindly, mom, I really, I really don't want to do the dog poop. And. Or he said, mom, can I please not do the dog poop? And while that is the kind question to ask, he's still gonna go do that dog poop. And I rebuttal with I have a better question for you to ask me. And he starts his little whine again. I'm like, trust me, I have a better question. Ask me if I will, if I will help you do the dog poo. And he asked kindly, mom, will you help me do the dog poop? I said, yes, go put on your jacket, I'll get on my jacket, we'll go outside and do it together. And that's how we resolved the matter. And the comments on that are the inspiration behind this episode because some of the comments on that were just talking about how you shouldn't be out there helping him. If you tell him to go do something, then he should be obedient and go do it without your help. There should be no negotiating help and doing it together. And I just, I can appreciate some perspective to that. More to the fact that it is good for my kids to complete tasks on their own and to see how much they're capable of. I. I completely stand behind that. And in the same breath, I believe there needs to be a balance. I believe that I want to teach my more than immediately showing my kids how much they're capable of. I want to build out this safety net is the way that I see it, where they can count on me to at the very least listen when they want my help. I want to open up the lines of communication where they know I am supposed to ask my mom for help. My mom likes it when I ask for her help. My mom is willing to do these things with me, especially if I ask her kindly. She's really willing. I personally want to instill that belief in them first before you can go out and do anything all on your own. You don't need anyone's help and you just go on and take on the world and be by yourself. And if people don't get it, then, you know, too bad. Oh, well. I think those beliefs can come really quickly just from the world itself. And I believe that it's my job as a mom to instill more of those tender beliefs and values that helps my kids know what mercy is, know what grace is, know what generosity really is, and compassion. Because to me, the world does not reflect that. So if the world is going to teach my kids, look how much you can do all on your own by yourself, then I want to teach my kids, look how much we can do together. You can count on me. Yes, this is a safe space for you to try. So as I received these comments, I. I knew in my heart, like, there may be a large group of people that strongly disagree with my approach to parenting. And I wouldn't say my parenting is exactly gentle and it's not authoritarian. It's like, I don't even know how to label my parenting. I just, I do what feels right and I value the way we speak to one another. And I'm learning a lot every single day. Every single day. And I correct myself a lot. And I try to learn as quick as I can what's actually working and what is not working. So this idea, though, of when you ask your kids to do something like, hey, unload the dishwasher, and if they ask for your help in return, why, why say no? Why say no, I'm not going to help you. If we want our kids to say yes to us when we ask for help. Hey, can you go get me a diaper out of Jake's room while I'm changing his diaper in here? Hey, can you go get me a diaper? Go get me wipes. If I want my kids to say yes to helping me, then I believe I first need to say yes to helping them with the same kind of attitude that I want them to have. If I roll my eyes, why would I be surprised when they're rolling theirs? If I have an annoyed tone and I huff and puff and grunt about it or complain about it, yeah, sure, maybe I'm still doing it for them. And it's a completely wrong attitude to have. It's the right behavior and the wrong attitude. And I think about that with my kids. If I want them to have the right behavior and the right attitude, they're watching me. They're learning from me. The example I set is extremely strong. Does it control them? No. They still very much have their own personalities. I will confirm. And you know, so did I as a kid. So did I as a kid. So did I as a teen, and I still do now as an adult. So that comes with the territory of working with other people. And I think it's worthwhile to just take a step back and ask yourself, what do I want the people in my family to believe about life, about themselves, about one another? What do I want them to believe? And that first, that first step of just pay attention when your kids ask you for help and you're quick to say no, do it yourself. You can clean your room on your own. You're the one that made the mess, you should be the one to clean it. Oh boy, oh boy. If we're, if we're teaching that mentality, I only clean up after myself, then how helpful are we to one another? If we teach the mentality of it's your room, you should be cleaning it, when exactly would we expect them to help each other clean the rooms? To help my kids to clean my room, to expect my 6 year old, 4 year old, 2 year old to clean the baby's room, to help, to expect everyone to help clean up the basement. Maybe we put too much emphasis on do it yourself and creating these separations of what belongs to them that they are responsible for. And we need to put more emphasis on this is our home that we take care of because it takes such great care of us and it works in this cycle, the better we take care of our home, the better it takes care of us. And I know, I've heard from my son, well, I didn't take that out. If I ask him to put something away, I didn't take that out, I didn't put that there. I say, I know, I know. That's part of being in a family though, is when we see a need, we fill it. If something is out, we put it away. That's how we serve one another. And I try really hard to keep the emphasis off of that's yours, pick it up, you left it there, put it away. And more often than not, I'm actually intentionally asking my kids to pick up one another's things. Like intentionally, I'll ask my 4 year old to pick up some my 6 year old's clothes and put them in the dirty laundry basket. I'll ask my 6 year old to grab the 4 year old's shoes, put them back in the closet. I asked my 2 year old to do the same thing for his brothers. And instead of it just being like direct lines of this is yours. So you pick it up and this is yours and you put it away. I, I like to cross them. Like my four year old serves my six year old and my six year old serves the two year old and the two year old serves the four year old. And we're all serving the baby, we're all serving mom, we're all serving dad. Like crossing those lines up so that we don't develop the mentality of, you know, they should do it because it's theirs. How much does that mentality hold you back and serving seamlessly in your marriage? Well, he left his clothes out in the bathroom instead of putting them in the laundry room. I shouldn't have to pick up his clothes, I shouldn't have to pick up his shoes, I shouldn't have to put his dish in the dishwasher in the sink. It's a mentality. And then because you think that way, you feel grudgeful, resentful, frustrated, annoyed, you feel run down by these things and then your behavior comes out and we're just like grudgefully picking up these dishes or tossing the shoes to the side. And then we make these snarky comments or just flat out rude comments. And then our intimacy is affected, our communication's affected, the connection we have with one another is really suffering and struggling. We are isolating ourselves away from the relationship all because we have this narrative in our mind that says, that's not mine, I shouldn't have to sit with it, think about it, if you have that mentality, it's really holding you back. And I wanted to create this episode just to soften us up, create more of this open minded, wholehearted approach. Because maybe what you're doing right now isn't working anyway. So why continue doing something that's not working? And you get to decide what that definition looks like. What does the vision of working look like? It doesn't have to be perfection. Just how would you know that what you're doing is working? What evidence would you be looking for? What proof would tell you, okay, this is working? Because to me, the evidence I'm looking for is, are my kids serving one another? Are they paying attention to the home? Are they taking initiative to do something on their own without being asked? I would say that's proof that it's working. Not, oh, they asked me for help, so what I'm doing isn't working. They're not willing to just accept my answer the first time. Sometimes there is some negotiation. So it's not working. I would just like to put this into full perspective. I'm 30 years old. 30 years old. And if, if I were meant to just do all the things that I'm old enough to do, I know how to do. I. I'm big enough to do the same type of narrative and standard that we hold kids to. At least the comments on my reel was those comments were saying, he's old enough to do it himself. Six years old, he's big enough, he could go out there and do it himself. That was the narrative. He, he understands. He knows how. Okay, if I held myself to the same standard, I'm 30 years old, how often in my life am I doing something the very first time I'm told to do it? Guys, do you want to see my email? The amount of emails that I get that say, hey, this deadline is approaching, Fill out this form, submit this thing. The deadline is here. How many reminder emails do I get to do that? How many times has the dentist told me to floss my teeth several times a day. Floss your teeth. Floss your teeth. He's telling me every six months. Floss your teeth several times a day. Am I doing it? No. I'm 30 years old. If my husband's asked me to do something, hey, can you get this done? Sometimes I need a reminder. Sometimes I forget. Sometimes I just flat out don't do it. And I'm 30, 30 years old. So this idea of they need to listen the first time, I think is so funny. And it's so hypocritical because most adults do not listen the first time. It's, hey, mom, can you give me a cup of water? And then you're like doing the laundry, doing this other thing, and then your kids are reminding you about that cup of water or the book or the game or the. The thing out of reach that they couldn't get down themselves. Whatever it is, we all do this. And for adults to sit on their high horse and say, well, they should be listening the first time they're old enough to listen the first time to get off your horse and start walking it, you are no better. We all do this and that. Humility is so important in parenting. It really is. It's called parenting because it's meant to be a focus on us, what we're doing. It's not called childrening. It's a parenting, what am I doing? How can I do this? What do I want it to look like? How do I want to teach? So that's my first point. My second point is there are times I'm 30 years old and I am old enough to drive, old enough to drive my car. I'm perfectly capable of loading up all four of my kids and getting over to the grocery store and doing the grocery shopping. If we're out of milk, I'm perfectly capable of picking up all four of my kids, run to the store and getting a gallon of milk. Totally. I'm old enough to do it. I've got money, I've got a driver's license, I've got a car, I've got car seats, I've got everything I need. And there are still times that if my husband's already out, I'll call him and say, hey, can you pick up milk on your way home? Or if we're all home together, I'll ask him, hey, can you run to the store and get milk? And why is that wrong? Or what? Like, wouldn't that be wrong too if we went based off of the mentality of, you're old enough, you're big enough to do it yourself, Wouldn't it be wrong for me to ask my husband to get the milk if I'm perfectly capable of loading up all the kids and doing it myself? And this is the part that really dawned on me just yesterday, I was doing a coaching session inside of the membership, and this mentality just came flooding into my mind and this. And it really just hit me of here we are in a society that's telling moms now we need to be asking for help, we need to say, like, we need to delegate some of this. We need to lean on other people. We need to. We need to understand that we don't have to do it all on our own, and we're not meant to. Isn't that the narrative right now? We're not meant to do it all on our own. Interesting. Really interesting. So let me get this straight. We want moms to start communicating and asking for help, and then we want to expect our kids to do it themselves. They're not allowed to ask for help. Even the simple things that they're able to do all on their own, you know, they. They're not allowed to ask for help on those things. But I'm allowed to ask for help getting the milk. I'm allowed to ask for help with the kids, with the laundry, with whatever. Whatever it may be. And I think that mentality is flawed, because why do we think this way in the first place? Why do we think we must do it all on our. On our own, the. In the first place? Why do. Why do we tell ourselves, I'm old enough to do this myself. I'm the one that had all four of these kids. I'm 30 years old. I should be able to do all of. All the parenting, all the housework, all of the childbearing, all of the cooking, all of the work. In my business, I should be able to do this all on my own because I have everything that I need to do it. And yet sometimes the smallest tasks feel really difficult. They just feel too big right now. And I believe our kids experience the exact same thing. And the reason why we're it. We're trapped in this mentality of do it all myself, which mothers are literally drowning in right now. The reason why we're in that mentality in the first place is because of the narrative. Growing up, it wasn't okay for you to ask for help. It wasn't okay for you to say, hey, can you help me make my bed? Hey, can you. Can you get me my glass of water this time? No, you're old enough to do it yourself. You're big enough to do that yourself. You know how to do it on your own. And we start to instill this narrative of, if I'm big enough, if I'm old enough, and I know how to do it myself, then I should not be asking for help. When the exact opposite is true, when you're old enough and you're big enough, and you know how to do it all on your own, you realize the Value in asking for help. You realize that there are some things that you truly want to put your focus on doing yourself because you feel so fulfilled doing it. And then there are other things where it feels so good to share the load. It feels so good to have help making that bed, doing that laundry, cooking that meal, cleaning up the house, getting a tasks done at your work, or taking care of the backyard together, whatever it is, leaning on other people. There are times that that small act of service for one another makes all the difference. And this fear, it's really a fear thing. I'm afraid my kids are always going to rely on me to do it for them. What if? What if? Right now they're just trying to see if it's safe to ask for help. They're building that safety net with you. Can I trust you to catch me if I don't get it right? If I try and fail, can I trust that it'll be okay? It's intimidating to go out and do it all on your own, especially as you get older, right? We have all these pressures in our head. It's intimidating to do it. And when we parent from a place of fear, they're never going to learn to do it on their own. I think that is so ridiculous. When we create a home in which safety, love, connection, belonging are prioritized, our kids crave independence. They want to prove I can do it. And I see my boys do this every single day, especially my 2 year old. My 2 year old craves the responsibilities that he sees my 6 and 5 year old having. He craves it and I do so much for him. Because he's 2, he's also extremely advanced for 2. It's fascinating. So if I, if I ask him to do something, he's basically sprinting out to go do it. Meanwhile, my four year old or my five year old or my six year old, I keep mixing up the ages with the four and five. He just had his birthday. So my five year old, they might be asking for help and to me, I would rather them ask me for help and trust. I care so much about these little things that you ask for help with because to me that teaches. You can also count on me to care about the big things. If I'm willing to help you unload the dishwasher, I'm also willing to hear you out. When you feel guilty or confused or drained by something that seems so big. Sometimes it's not even a matter of acting to do a task with them. Sometimes it's a matter of just Sitting next to them while they do it. You want them to fold the towels and they say, will you help me? I'll come sit with you while you fold the towels and you come sit down next to them. Maybe you come up with a little song. We came up with a song for folding towels, corners, do corners and fold in a square for our square kitchen towels that we wash with. And you know, maybe I sit there and I sing the song with them. I sit there and I ask them questions. And maybe what they're really asking for is company. Will you keep me company while I do this? Will you be there with me while I do this? Sometimes when our kids are asking for help, they're not actually asking us to do it for them because they enjoy feeling the self esteem rise within them, the fulfillment, the capabilities, their capacities expand. They enjoy that. You have to remember we enjoy learning and growing and becoming. We all experience that sense of self esteem increase. We do not enjoy being, being on our own. We do not enjoy feeling alone. We do not enjoy bearing burdens by ourselves. We don't need. I'm sure you guys have experienced this. Sometimes you call someone just because you need to say the things. You didn't call this person to fix the problem for you. And it actually feels really frustrating when they try to fix it for you. When they try to say, oh, I'll just do it for you, you're like, no, that's not what I meant. That's not what I wanted. You just don't want to feel alone doing it. And I believe our kids are the same way. So encourage. And in a phrase of encouragement, I'm not asking you to just all of a sudden remove the responsibilities from your kids. I just want you to start paying attention that when they ask you for help to unload the dishwasher, that is a huge step of progress. If you can take a protest of I'm not unloading the dishwasher. Two, hey, will you help me unload the dishwasher? You have made positive steps in the right direction to get the dishwasher unloaded. So instead of going from black and white, all or nothing, start taking steps. If you ask, if you tell your kids it's time to unload the dishwasher and they completely protest, they completely refuse. Prioritize the connection piece first. Let them know, Try asking me if I will help you unload the dishwasher. And if they say it unkindly, ask them to say it kindly again, try asking me kindly to help you unload the dishwasher. And when they do affirm it, I would love to help you unload the dishwasher. Model the attitude you want them to have. Let them be so close to you. While you feel grateful to have dishes to put away, while you talk about the evidence of what it means to have a full dishwasher. Look at all the meals that we ate. These are the things that we ate. It's so convenient that we have this machine to wash these things for us and it's only takes us a couple of minutes to put them away. Plant seeds. Share perspective that helps you unload the dishwasher. Your the perspective of, well, someone has to do it is not the only perspective to have. And actually, it's really exhausting to think that you're doing the things that you do simply because somebody has to. If you're listening to this episode and you're like, ouch. I actually tell myself quite frequently, I'm doing this because no one else will. I. I'm doing this because somebody has to. Yeah. Do you enjoy doing those things? Do you sit there and hum a little song while you're folding laundry? Do you feel at peace? Do you feel at ease? Do you feel surrendered and accepted and just vibrant in your own home, taking care of it? Not with that mentality, you don't. And here's the thing. You can. You can feel grateful, you can feel blissful. You can feel unbothered and at ease while doing the daily things in your home. With the right mindset, you are not going to feel better. With hurtful, negative, draining thoughts. Thoughts create feelings and then we choose our behavior. So if you don't like your behaviors, evaluate your feelings. You don't like your feelings, evaluate your thoughts. They all work together. It's like a little pyramid where a triangle where you got these three corners and they're just like pinging between each other. And one does not work without the other. They're all connected, so you can investigate it from whichever angle you want. Coming back to encouraging with our kids, though, wouldn't it matter to you that you could instill the type of attitude that you want your kids to have, not just the behavior that you can trust more? As they get older, of course they're going to ask me for help because you have the evidence to prove it. They asked me for help picking up the dog poop. They asked me for help doing the laundry. They asked me for help talking with a friend, with their. With their brother. They asked me for help sounding out a word during. During our schoolwork. Get out of this mentality of they're big enough, they're old enough to do it themselves. Yeah, so are you. How's that working out? Get out of the mentality of it's not mine, so I shouldn't have to. Unless you want your kids to have that exact same mentality and face the frustrations of feeling like everyone's just out fending for themselves. That's not what children crave, that's not what you crave. We crave seamless service. Get out of the mentality of I'm only doing this because somebody has to. If I don't do it, no one else will. It's got to get done. You can be freed from that. You get to decide what you think about your circumstances. So the next time your kids ask you for help, I just want you to take a more open minded approach to, to this trust that they crave independence, trust that they crave self esteem and fulfillment to complete tasks. And what you're doing right now is building the safety net that you'll be there to catch them if they ever slip up, if they ever fall, you're right there. They can always ask you for help. And yeah, it does start with the small things. And I, I believe if we want our kids to have a better chance at a society that supports and nourishes them because they are the people supported and nourished and putting that out there for one another, that's how it changes. Not by some imaginary figure changing the narrative for us. We have to change it individually in our family units, as a community, and then eventually as a society. And we lead the way with that. So your kids are counting on you to show them. It's actually really awesome to ask for help. And then you can be creative with the way you meet that help. You guys can do it together. I'll unload it with you. I'll unload the top, you unload the bottom. You bring me the laundry basket, I'll put the soap in you. Can you turn it on? Create the involvement, create the connection, model the attitude and behavior and you'll. I think we'll all just be blown away with how, how well it works. I've seen it working really well with my family and it's a conscious effort, it's a conscious focus. So I believe it deserved an episode. I hope so much that this served you and that you're willing to just take a more creative approach for when your kids ask for help. Challenge your own narrative because it all comes back to you. If you're feeling frustrated by what your kids are asking, it's not what they're asking that's frustrating you, it's what you think about it. If you're feeling frustrated by your child's behavior, it's not their behavior that is frustrating you, it's what you think about it. And when we start to scrutinize our thoughts just a little bit better, we become free of the power that they once reigned over us. And we, we have this opportunity to write a narrative for ourselves. Remember, individually write a narrative that we truly feel amazing living by even when it's challenged by other people. And honestly, when people challenge your mentality and they challenge your belief systems, it helps you solidify it even deeper within yourself because you're able to consider new and more perspectives. Sincerely hope this helped you. I'm excited to see you next week. Sweet friend. You're doing an incredible job and gosh almighty, I, I look up to you in a lot of ways. We're awesome.