136. Mindset For Mother's Day | Your Annual Reset In Motherhood

Welcome back to the show, sweet friend. Mother's Day is just around the corner and I want to make sure that you have the very best mentality going into this special holiday meant for you. It's so easy for Mother's Day to be a time that our mind is focused on really hurtful things and we can actually be building up resentment during this time, which you may be experiencing. You're feeling a little bit more exhausted, resentful, anxious, annoyed, irritated. And a lot of that really does come back to what we're choosing to think about Mother's Day. And this, this goes to every area of our life. Just like I say, it's not our kids behavior that frustrates us, it's what we think about it. It's not what our husband did or didn't do that leaves us feeling so frustrated. It's what we think about what he did or didn't do that creates those feelings of frustration. And then we decide what we're going to do about it. So I love to have a really specific focus regarding my Mother's Day because on Mother's Day I want to also, like, I want to feel appreciated and acknowledged and cared for. Yes. And I want to still be someone that appreciates and acknowledges and cares for others as well. I don't want there to be a day that I am just like held to this regard where others are viewing me in a way that I'm not viewing them. I, yes, I want to feel appreciated and I want those in my life to feel appreciated. Yes, I want to feel acknowledged and I want those in my life to feel acknowledged by me as well. I want it to be really well reciprocated. So these four points that I hold myself and my mindset, I keep them, these four points as a focus every single Mother's Day. And it helps me tremendously to steer clear of any unnecessary resentment. And that just ruins the day that I was looking forward to. So if you've ever had a Mother's Day where you're just like, dang, though, that did not go how I wanted it to. It's probably because of the way you were. Like, the way you were thinking that it should go was in a big focus outside of your control what other people should be doing for you or saying to you on that day, even on Mother's Day, we must remember we don't control other people. And no amount of us setting boundaries with our in laws or expectations with our spouse or pleading with our kids of the way that they're going to behave controls them. We influence. Absolutely. We do not control other people. And you'll feel so much more free on Mother's Day and just joyful on that day if you keep your control, your desire for control on yourself. I'm going to control everything that I think, say, and do to ensure that I have the very best Mother's Day that I possibly can. So let's get into these four points. And I also want to say this before the four points, that if you want to spend your Mother's Day away from your family, out at a spa, or maybe you take a weekend away, or you avoid every other mother in your life, and you let the day just be about you, I sincerely encourage you to do whatever you feel fulfilled and purposeful and driven and called to do if that's how you want to spend it. I encourage you if that's what leaves you feeling your very very best. And your mind is beaming with gratitude and you have a lot of positivity and you're just feeling like, I am the mom that I want to be. That, to me, is the underlying drive for my chosen mindset and emotions and behaviors is, am I feeling like the mom I wanna be? If I'm doing something that doesn't feel like I'm being the mom I wanna be, then I try to really dissect that behavior and understand why I'm doing it. And the same thing with my mentality and my emotions. So no matter how you personally want to spend your Mother's Day, I hope that there's one or all of these points, these four points that help you. And at the end of the day, you're the one that gets to choose what you're gonna do and how you're gonna feel about what you're doing and what you're gonna think about about what you're doing. I'm just here to share my perspective of what really helps me. So every Mother's Day, I, first and foremost love to keep this perspective in mind, and that is to look for what only I get to experience. This is point number one. I look for what. What it is in my family that only I get to experience. And there's no one on the planet that would ever be able to take this role, at least in the way that I have it. Like, it's only me that gets to do this. It's only me that gets to have this, that gets to experience this. And I think about this often throughout the year. And I love to make it a center focus on mother's day is that no one else could come into my home and do things the way that I do them. And they wouldn't be able to move and work and love and care as efficiently and effectively as I do because they don't know my family. They don't know my kids the way I know my kids. I can make everyone in my family a breakfast that I know that they'll eat because I know who likes eggs and who doesn't, who will eat potatoes and who won't. Who wants their, wants the crust cut off of their sandwich and who doesn't mind. Who would appreciate me cutting it in triangles instead of rectangles. I, I know all of these little details and that makes my life that much more fulfilling and in flow, I don't have to try and like figure out all these things as I go. And that's something that I really appreciate on Mother's Day. And a good way to think about this is if you've ever had a friend, one of your kids, friends come over for lunch or something and you're making everybody lunch. Sometimes we have to take that pause and, and think about what does this child like? Because when, when we have someone else in our home that we're trying to care for and serve, it makes it so blaringly obvious how well we know the people in our home. What, what size of fort do they want? Do they want the big fourth or the little fork? Do they like their French toast cut up or in strips so they can dip it or do they want the whole piece? I know my 5 year old does not want me to cut his toast. My 6 year old loves it cut up into tiny squares and my 2 year old loves it cut into str so that he can dip it. And I just, I know this about my kids and when one of their friends comes over, I'm left to pause and consider and ask them, how would you like it? These are all the ways I know how to do it. How would you like it? And I need to learn about this person. So as a mother to four young children and you know, think about who you're a mother to in the wonderful, beautiful ways that we get to be a motherly figure to so many that come through our door, so many in our life, and to an extent even our own parents and grandparents, we get to be a motherly figure to them too. It's not. Well, they're, they're the mom in this situation and I'm the daughter. No, you're in that motherly figure as well. And we're going to talk about that in a minute. So looking at it first, having a focus on what is it that is unique to my experience, what is it that only I get to do? That special hug that I'm given, The things only shared with me by my kids, the things that only I know about them. And I know that so naturally about them and what I know about my home that nobody else does. So this first point is to just pay attention to the way you occupy this role that is meant for you and you alone. It's truly a strength. And you will feel when you make that your focus. Remember, thoughts create feelings. So when you think that way about your unique role, what your strengths are, how easy this is for you, the things that you know about your kids and your home, when you do that, you're going to feel so much more purposeful and, and called in this position that you're in. You're going to feel more fulfilled, you're going to feel more inspired, you're going to feel more excited and joyful to be in this role. And that's before anybody else told you, happy Mother's Day, or, thank you so much for all that you do. Mom. Like, that's before anybody said any of this to you, which I hope they do. And there's a chance that they don't. There's a chance that you're a mom of a baby home alone on Mother's Day and your spouse is out working and everybody else is focused on something different and it's just you home alone with your baby. How are you going to spend your Mother's Day? If you put the responsibility in other people's hands of what your Mother's Day is going to be, that becomes like, of course you're going to feel helpless and hopeless because you're just waiting for someone else to give you what you want. And those people have no idea what you want, not really. Even if you try to communicate with them what you want, they might not know why you want it, what you're hoping to feel on that day. So if you're home alone with a newborn, how are you choosing to view your Mother's Day? What are you going to think about your role that leaves you feeling acknowledged and appreciated and inspired and excited and grateful, and then to do things that really emphasize those ways that you're feeling, the way that you're going to treat yourself. Which brings me to point number two, and that is to treat your day just like you would someone else's. This is your Day. If you're gonna put so much effort into someone, into a Father's Day for your. For your spouse. If you're gonna put so much effort into his Father's Day, making the cards and little handprint art paintings and his favorite meal and his favorite breakfast and making sure the house is tidy or his clothes are pressed and ready to go, or you have something special planned like a side by side ride or a picnic or a walk or playing baseball at the field nearby. Like you took into consideration what it is that he enjoys to do the things that he loves the and what it is that he would appreciate having on Father's Day. If you put that much effort into his Father's Day, why wouldn't you put that much effort into your Mother's Day? It's commonly heard that we want to treat others the way that we want to be treated. And sometimes I think we take that to this extreme of I'm going to treat you this way so that you treat me this way. And it's just that, like it's not necessarily reciprocated within ourselves. We do it for them as a message of what we want them to do for us. And there's something so powerful, so innate about treating yourself the same way that you would treat others. Letting yourself have that acknowledgement, letting yourself have that appreciation and that adoration and that way that you can just admire yourself, letting that flow to you just as much as you want it to flow to someone else. Even if you want the outcome to be, well, I want them to cook breakfast for me, so I'm going to cook breakfast for them. That's so short sighted. It's so short sighted. It reminds me of an eye for an eye, right? Like, well, they're going to take my eye, so I'm going to take their eye. And an eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind. So we do need to also consider the type of day we're creating for ourself instead of putting all of the responsibility and control and an effort into someone else's hands. So the second point, I refer to it as build your own sundae. Think of an ice cream sundae. How delicious, how yummy. Your Mother's Day is like an ice cream sundae. So I want you to think about the, the flavors of ice cream that you want in this Sunday and what that would mean to you. For me, personally, when I consider my Mother's Day, my meals are very important to me. I really like to take the time to plan out the meals that I Plan to enjoy on Mother's Day. Breakfast is my very. It's my most favorite meal. I love, love breakfast. And most Mother's Day, I make myself blueberry lemon sweet rolls from Joanna Gaines recipe book. They're so good. And, and when I make myself these blueberry lemon sweet rolls for Mother's Day, I frequently hear, well, shouldn't someone else be making that for you on Mother's Day? And I really consider it. Just like I want to make this for myself on Mother's Day. I am so appreciative of all that I have learned to do as a mother, all that I get to do as a mother. And I'm proud of myself. I believe that I'm worth the effort to. To make myself these blueberry lemon sweet rolls. Just like I make my boys all of their birthday cakes. I want them to know I care about you. I know your flavors. I'm interested in the way that you want this cake. And I'm going to do my best to make it for you. And I want to give myself that same type of care and attention and effort. It's like a little. It's like an act of self love, an act of self care. I'm just as worth it as I believe everyone else in my family is. All the effort that I put into my husband's Father's Day, I put the same amount of effort into my Mother's Day that's building my sundae. So one of my scoops of ice cream is the meals that I plan to have, what I plan to make myself that day. Blueberry lemon sweet rolls are almost always on the list. So that's one of my scoops of ice cream there. Another scoop of ice cream might be going for a family walk. Putting, making sure that's known. We're going for a walk. And I get everybody dressed and into the, into the stroller, on their bikes, shoes on, hats, jackets, whatever we need. And I make sure we go on this walk. Why? Because I love family walks. I love them so much. And we go the full route. We go on this two, this two mile loop for our walk. And I tell myself we're going on the full walk. I love these family walks. Everyone's ready to go. And this is for me. This is for me. I'm not gonna say, oh, man, I just, I love to walk so much. So, babe, will you stay back with all the boys so I can go for a walk by myself? Well, there's nothing wrong with that at all. When I think about my mother's Day and the way that I want to just magnify and emphasize the things that I love to do as a mom and do them even better and even more intentional on this day, because it's Mother's Day, then I want a family walk. And I make that very clear. So that could be another scoop of ice cream for me. One more scoop of ice cream might be to sit down and play games or do crafts with my boys, to turn everything else off and just be in that presence with them, fully, just fully attentive, showing myself, look, Tess, you really are an engaged, present, interested, phenomenal mother. These boys are so lucky to have you. And it helps me to reflect on how far I've come. It helps me to enjoy how good it feels to turn off all the distractions, to, like, all these other responsibilities that run through my mind where I have a difficult time sometimes turning them off. I give myself that play pleasure, that enjoyment of just almost like, pretending like they're not there for a day. Well, I just get to do what I love to do most and to see myself as the mom that I want to be. To me, whatever it looks like for me to be the mom that I want to be, that is building my Sunday. And for myself personally, in that vision of being the mom that I want to be. She does cook and she does clean and she does look after her boys and she does change the diapers and get up with the baby and nurse them and help them and accept the invitation to play with them and invite them to do what I'm doing too. It. It's a lot of engagement and involvement. It's not isolating myself. It's not stepping away or getting away from that. The. I believe Mother's Day is a wonderful time to see yourself as the mom you want to be, to give yourself this annual fresh start. Almost. So if you were to look at Mother's Day as your annual fresh start, how would you spend the day? Being the mom you want to be. What better gift could you be given? Yes. A card from everybody and a phone call. An acknowledgement of, oh, you're such a great mom. Yes, that's nice. It's nice to get the flowers. It's nice to have the card. It's nice to have someone else cook you the meal that you like. All of that's wonderful. And would any of that come close to you seeing yourself show up and as the mom you want to be, 100%, fully, unashamed, unapologetically, you showed up and you were her you dressed like her. You did your hair like her. You planned the day like her. You spoke to your kids like her. You acknowledged and adored your husband like she does. You cared for yourself like she does. You got that workout in. You drank your electrolytes, you took your protein like you did. All the things that the mother you want to be does. So while you're building this Sunday, really take into consideration Mother's Day is my time for an annual fresh start. It's the time that I show up this day and set the tone of what the whole rest of the year is going to look like for me as a mother, who I am as a mother, how I feel as a mother, what I think as a mother. You reset it all on Mother's Day. And then everything else is like a cherry on your Sunday. You built your own Sunday. You showed up as the mom that you want to be. And then what others do for you is like the toppings on your Sunday. The cards, the flowers, the gift, the words of acknowledgement and appreciation, the acts of service, all of that becomes the cherries and the nuts and the chocolate glaze and some whipped cream on top of your Sunday. Either way, the ice cream will taste delicious, like you are perfectly capable of putting your favorite toppings on, on, on this Sunday, you can make it however you want. And then what others give to you, the way that they make it better, the way that they enrich it, that's just even more appreciated by you. So that's our, that's our second point here. A focus for our mindset for Mother's Day is to to treat your day just as you would someone else's and to view this day as your annual fresh start in motherhood. This is the day that I declare who I am as a mother and all that I think, say and do and feel as a mother. And then into our third point, we invite others into this special day with us. We let everything someone else does for you be the toppings on your Sunday. It's extra and much appreciated. It makes things better. And it's not required for you to have a wonderful day. The non negotiables are not what someone else is doing, it's what you're doing. It's not what someone else is thinking or feeling or what they're prioritizing. It's what you're thinking and feeling and prioritizing. That's the non negotiable. What others give to you is extra and appreciated. It's not expected, it's appreciated. And what's fascinating to me is every time I have shown up and truly, like, set it as my goal for the day or my purpose of the day is to just show up and be the mom I want to be, dress like her, think like her, talk like her, feel like her, be like her, and all that I do and say. And I hold myself to that standard the very best I can. Everyone else in my family shows up better for me, too. When I set that tone of holding myself to such a high standard. My kids speak better to me. My spouse acknowledges me more. We're just naturally attracted to each other more than when we're keeping score, going tit for tat, and you did this, so I do this. And it's not fair. Like, when we stay away from that and out of the resentment and we're solely focused on, I'm going to be the best version of me today. Everybody else feels that from you. So in this third point of inviting others into your special day, if they make you the meal and you were planning on cooking it, you can be appreciative. Absolutely. The meal that you wanted to make yourself today, you could make it tomorrow. It's not the point. Point of, oh, my gosh, making myself. That was just going to make my Mother's Day. Then you miss the act of service. You miss the act of kindness that they were doing for you. And this is where our mind gets in the way. It absolutely gets in the way when we do this, because we tell ourselves, well, since they did it, I can't. And then we just ruminate on that. They took that opportunity from me. They shouldn't have done that. And we get into that victim mentality of it's happening to me. When reality says, this is the Mother's Day that they're trying to make for you. And if your mind is focused on their shortcomings and what you can string together in a web of lies of what they're doing to you, the opportunities they're taking away from you, then you're missing the way that they are shaping and crafting the day and the efforts for you. So you have to choose your Mother's Day. It's not about that. That one thing. It's not to me, if I woke up on Mother's Day and my boy said, we want to make your blueberry sweet rolls this time. Let us make the blueberry lemon sweet rolls. And my husband said, yeah, we're. We're making those for you. Am I supposed to pout and stomp my feet and say, well, I'm supposed to do that. It's an act of service for myself. Heavens no. That is such a kind act of service for them to do for me. It's thoughtful, it's considerate. It's honestly adorable that there's all these boys and a man in my kitchen making these blueberry lemon sweet rolls. I would love to watch that. So keeping your mother's day off the hook of this one thing, this one thing that you have to be able to do allows you to stay really open minded to what's actually happening and staying in this mentality of sincere appreciation and gratitude and acknowledgement for yourself and others. Because I can be the mom I want to be the wife I want to be. While watching them do something that I, that I actually wanted to do. I can still be the mom I want to be. I can study my boys and their movements and the way that they're learning about measurements and putting things in the bowl and the little bit of flour that tosses out. And I can study and marvel at and appreciate the way my husband keeps the patients with them or is guiding them, teaching them about the fractions of things and how to better understand measurements and what it all means. What does half a teaspoon mean? I'd love to hear the way my husband explains that to them. Honestly, I. I want to sometimes be the one that observes. It all take place too. So often we're right in the middle of it. It's hard, it's hard to see what's happening when you're in it. I would love the invitation to, to sit and watch as well. And that I think is a, it's a skill to learn within your mind to be that adaptive. So this Mother's Day, maybe we're focused on being adaptive. Maybe it's going to look different than we thought and it can be better than we imagine. Whether we're the ones making the blueberry lemon sweet rolls or if they're being made for us. If we stay open minded to remain as the wife and mother that we want to be, it'll be good either way. It only goes bad when we stop being the person we want to be. Not when others are trying to do something for us that we want to do for ourselves or vice versa. It only goes bad when we stop being the person we want to be. And that's a mindset thing. And our fourth point here that I want you to be focused on is decide the special way that you will be the toppings for someone else's day. Not the entire responsibility of it. Just as I'm encouraging you to be responsible for your Mother's Day, you must also allow the mothers in your life, the in laws, your own mom, to be responsible for their Mother's Day as well. You are the topping. You're the something extra, the something special, the delight delicacies sprinkled on top. You're not the main Sunday, they are. The same thing goes for our birthdays and Father's Day and at Grandparents Day and every other holiday where we celebrate people in our lives that we love. We are not responsible for the way someone else perceives their day or the way that they choose to create their day. And if you have a family member that is putting that type of responsibility on you, well, I need you guys to do this, this, this, this, this, this, this. And you're feeling like, okay, well, that would be the entire Mother's Day. And I would actually like some time for myself, too. I want to have breakfast with my family at home. Like, you're asking us to be there for breakfast and lunch and dinner and this dessert and to go to this park and do this thing. And it feels like, wait, I think I'm becoming the main course. I think I'm becoming the main responsibility for how you're going to feel during your Mother's Day. And you don't want to feel that way. Remember, you're someone else's special topping. You have something special to sprinkle into their day. You're not responsible for the entirety of it. Just like you're building your own sundae, you're going to be responsible for those scoops of ice cream and your favorite things that you want in there most. If you want some banana in there, if you just love the hot fudge, you're going to make sure those things are there. And then when someone else comes up with nuts and cherries and whipped cream and sprinkles and graham cracker crumbs, whatever all the other treats are when they come offering that, you're going to be really grateful and appreciative. So freeing yourself. We cannot change other people's desires and expectations. They're going to be creating those all on their own. So if they have those desires and they have those expectations, you can communicate. You can communicate and say, wow, I really love hearing your plan for how you want your Mother's Day to go. Truly, I think that's really special that we get to hear other people's plans and what they want. And this is what matters most to me on My Mother's Day. Here's what I'm willing to take part in for your plan, or what I'm willing to contribute to that. Here's what I'm willing to do. And. And if that lunch, all of us together, means so much to you, having us over for that lunch means so much to you, we could absolutely make that happen next Saturday or Wednesday. You are an effective communicator. You are someone that has a vision and desires and inspiration just like everybody else. And you need to allow yourself to communicate those things more freely, more surely. And it's again so wonderful to see how others respond to that tone we set. So go into it with the perspective this will. This will help free you from people pleasing tendencies. If you're one of my friends that have people pleasing tendencies, honestly, I think we all do. I see them come up in me too. It's the self awareness to catch it. And the people pleasing tendency says I'm responsible for how someone else feels. And the truth is, you are not responsible for how someone else feels. Because how they're feeling is based on what they're thinking. And you could try with all your might to create the perfect day for them. And we all know that there will be times it's just not good enough. Something happened that's not exactly what they meant. If their mind is set on thinking of it that way, no matter what you do, they will see it that way. Our eyes see what our mind looks for. So if their mind is looking for resentment, it's looking for downfalls and weakness and victim mentality and times where it's not fair to them. If they're looking for that, they will find it no matter what you do. So you might as well be really sure of the person you want to show up as. No matter what they're requesting from you. You can decline an invitation kindly. You can express your expectations kindly. You can share a vision with someone else kindly. You can set a boundary kindly, you can correct kindly. And if we think about who it is that you want to be as a mom, and your Mother's day is your annual fresh start to motherhood. Really setting that tone, take into consideration who do I want to be as a daughter in law, as a daughter, as a friend, who do I want to be? How do I want to bring something extra, something special to. To someone's day that complements what they've made for themselves? Because they are responsible for what they're creating for themselves, not you. They are. So those are our four points to help you keep a stronger mindset this Mother's Day. Just a quick overview again, number one, look for what only you get to experience. What makes you you this Mother's Day? What makes you a mother in this home? Appreciate that. Magnify that. The second one is to build your own Sunday. Build your own Sunday. Treat this day just as special as it is for someone else. And that means being willing to do the things for yourself that you want done. And it's your annual refresh to motherhood where you take into careful consideration, who do I want to be as a mother? And if that's who I want to be as a mother, what does she think? What does she say? What does she do? How does she feel? And when you dress yourself on Mother's Day, really consider how does the mother I want to be dress herself? How does she do her hair? What type of attention does she put into her appearance? What kind of effort does she put into her health? Does she work out? If she works out, what kind of exercise does she like to do? It's almost like reinventing yourself for the year and progressing, growing, stretching, seeing it as this opportunity to be a little more, do a little more, feel a little better, think a little bigger, believe in yourself more than you ever have. Our third point is to invite others into your special day. What they choose to do for you is received with appreciation. Even if what they choose to do for you was something you were planning to do for yourself. Remember, we're not so fixated on the one way it can go, because sometimes it's different than we think it'll be. And it's even better than we imagined it could be. When we remain open minded and we remain appreciative and others actually show up better for us, when we are in and living in that mentality. And our fourth point is decide the special way that you will be the topping to someone else's day, like your mom or your mother in law. Instead of thinking, oh, I just need to eat the Sunday they make for me, because it's apparently their Mother's Day. No, we're all responsible for our own little Sunday on Mother's Day. And the beautiful part is to contribute toppings to one another, contribute something extra, something special to one another, not to be responsible for the entirety of it. I know that you can have a fantastic Mother's Day. This could be the best Mother's Day you've ever had. What? When you're willing to just think of it a little bit differently and in the days leading up To Mother's Day. Consider this journaling prompt, just like we've been talking about here. Mother's Day is my annual refresh to Mother's Day. To motherhood. So in the journaling prompt, we're focused on who do I want to be as a mother? And then get into the details. Write about the way you want to carry yourself. Write your posture, your demeanor, the way you want to speak. Are you speaking life over those, over those around you and to yourself. Are you kind and calm and clear in your communication? How do you want to speak? What do you want to look like as a mother? How do you want to feel as a mother? What do you want to think? What do you want to do? Who do you want to be as a mother? Take that journaling prompt to heart, Write about it and then ask yourself, what does my Sunday for Mother's Day look like? How do I make my how do I build my Mother's Day sundae? What are those flavors of ice cream at the bottom? Your very, very favorites. Those are the things that you are willing to do for yourself. And what toppings are you going to make sure are there? Build it how you like it and write about that in your journal. Write about what would need to take place on your Mother's Day that you are entirely control of that would make it just so wonderful if you dressed this way, if you did these things, if you carved out this time, if you invited your family to join you doing something, you get to. You get to choose that. And it's really exciting. So I've declared that Mother's Day is our annual refresh to motherhood, where we take the time individually to decide the mother that we are. What she looks like, what she thinks, what she says, what she does, how she feels. And we get so super locked in on that. Even just elevating the standards that we hold ourselves to in motherhood throughout the rest of the year, that is what we focus on for Mother's Day. And I hope that these four points in this episode served you tremendously. And I'm excited to see you guys next week and honestly, just hear more about how your Mother's Day went this year.