145. Marriage Journal with Marcus & Tessa | Behind the Scenes Edits

Without a shadow of a doubt, this is going to be the most fun podcast episode I have ever done. You're going to thoroughly enjoy this. So a little bit of backstory before we get started. I am currently making a marriage journal. So there's a husband and wife version of this 100 day journal. It is absolutely incredible. And it's inspired by what I shared with you guys last year that I was doing of writing my husband a daily letter of appreciation to. To help myself focus on the good in him, what he is doing, and how good our life is like in our marriage. And it's just amazing to me what it did for my mindset. And now, a year later, I still do this practice. I love it so much, and I wanted to turn it into a guided journal form for marriages all over to enjoy. So my husband and I. Well, actually, I was out here working on the journal and. And I got kind of stuck on one of the prompts that I was working on. So I called my husband. I was like, hey, do you have a minute? Could you come out to the office? Then it's just been rolling since then. He's been helping me through each of the prompts. And I'm telling you, the difference between how a man thinks versus how a woman thinks has had me cracking up laughing for the past 30 minutes. So now we're gonna turn into a podcast episode. Doing this together, editing the journal, kind of taking you along for the experience so that you can get a good feel of what this journal is going to be all about and the experience of it before it's actually released. So now you can feel like you're part of the creation process too. So, babe, are you ready?

Hello.

Hello, Hello.

Yes, I'm ready.

We are so excited. Okay, so right now we're working on a prompt in week two, and week two is called I Speak Life. It is gorgeous. And we're working on a prompt. And the prompt is what do I say and do during miscommunications in my marriage when I know I am appreciated, respected and valued. And this is the one that we're working on. So I want to provide some, like, a ponder section where. And remember, this is the husband's version of the journal. So we need the men's perspective. If you want to go get your husband and listen to this episode with him, I think he would be cracking up. And you can crack up, too. I included a part in the journal on each page that provides some inspiration. Because sometimes the hardest part of writing is just having the words and we can only write with the words that we know, the words that we have. So in the inspiration part of this page, I was starting to say, okay, you could see yourself taking a deep breath, lowering your shoulders, and then what did you say?

Sometimes it looks like rolling your eyes. And that can look like that you're just trying to reset your body and. And not say the wrong thing right away.

Or at all. Or at all. Yes. And that's the thing is when we're trying to reset our body, sometimes it just looks different than we thought we were doing. So you never meant to roll your eyes. You just were, like, trying to do that physical reset.

So just to. To kind of break it down a little bit, we were. We had a little miscommunication, and she told me what was on her mind, and I just took a deep breath, and then she walked into the boys room, and I was kind of confused. And later when we. When she was done giving the. The boys down for bed, she. We talked and she told me that. She's like. I was like, I'm so confused right now. I don't know why you went into. Went into the room so upset. And she's like, well, because you rolled your eyes. And I was like, I was just taking the deep breath. I was like, I didn't. I was like, I don't. I don't remember rolling my eyes. And she's like, no, you did. And I was like, but I don't think I did, though. So that's where the miscommunication was.

Yeah. And this. This prompt is very inspired by our own marriage and what we want to be working on. I know for myself, like in the women's journal, being able to focus more strongly on that state of observation and asking questions and this, like, unbothered and at ease emotional presence during miscommunication, that's like something that we're gonna be focusing on and in the men's journal giving examples. So for you, you could see this is like the positive mental rehearsal for that husband that, like, wants to handle the miscommunication better than he has in the past, and he needs some ideas to be able to do so. So you could see yourself taking a deep breath, lowering your shoulders, and then.

Just calmly telling her to, you just need to calm down or.

Oh, Lord.

I'm just kidding.

That was. That was our last prompt, though, talking about, like, the things that we say and. And I. And we were just going back and forth about, like, when someone feels upset and you tell them to calm down. It's like pouring gasoline on their little spark. It does not work. It is so counterproductive.

I was telling her that guys, I feel like most guys anyways want to avoid con. Avoiding confrontation at all costs. So thinking things like, thinking things like, okay, she just needs to calm down. How do we get her to calm down? Or saying something like, it's going to be okay. That one also does not go over well when we're just trying to get to the same goal of just being back on the same page. And you have a husband who wants to avoid confrontation and just wants to handle it one way. And then you have the wife that's fiery and wants to handle it a different way. That's where you need to go meet in the middle somewhere. So that's what this page is trying to do.

Yeah, it's. It's. I think it's is just so cool that we're working on this. And there are definitely parts in the journal where I'm like, gosh, I personally struggle with this or I personally do this. So nothing in this journal is coming from a place of like, oh, we're so perfect. We have it all together. We never have miscommunications or like handle things poorly. Not at all. Having this journal for me, I'm like, oh, I'm so excited for my husband and I to do this. I think it will help us so much. And that's what I want this, this physical product to be like something that imperfect marriages turn to for seven minutes a day, trying to improve, trying to progress without getting stuck in this idea of like, oh, the negativity and the victim mentality of like, who's doing what? So the journal is really self focused in each version. Like, she gets to focus on herself and he gets to focus on himself. So going back to our ponder section where we provide some inspiration, you could see yourself taking a deep breath, lower your shoulders and nod softly in acknowledgement. Like, physically. And then we're going to talk about the things that we could say. But could you see yourself doing that during a misunderstanding?

Yes. And that's where I normally. I stop there.

This is the thing that happens between him and I. I have like all of the words to describe how I'm feeling and what I thought happened and like all of the details between that and I just keep talking and then it sounds like lecturing. And I never intend for it to sound like lecturing. I just. He's so quiet that I'm like, did he get it? Does he understand? I guess I Just.

I'm taking it.

All in and I'm trying to tell him that it. If. If he were to say something that, like, just like it's like a break in conversation or like a break just. Yeah, just say something. I think I would have something I'm giving up. Maybe I would never give up on you, but. Yeah. So putting in the journal things to help equip men like my husband that feel like I don't know what to say. And you made a really good point. Before we started this episode, he made a really good point. He was like, I want to say something that helps, like, calm you down and solves the problem. And I think the thing to say that would solve the problem, you would feel really upset hearing. So then I just don't know what to say.

Yeah. So it's like paralysis by analysis. And I'm just trying to not say the wrong thing when. But we both want the solution, and we both want to meet in the middle in a. In a nice. In a nice way and kind to each other. And sometimes that's hard to. To find your way to the middle. So I usually just hang out on one side until she makes her way all the way to my side, and then we walk back to the middle together.

Yeah. And I. Now I'm wondering, like, we're recording this episode, do people relate with us or do we sound.

I think all guys don't get mad at me.

I'm here for you, babe.

I think all guys just want to find a solution in a calm, fast way to where they just don't want to. They don't want an argument to drag out longer than five minutes. And I feel like girls like to say everything that's on their mind.

I think you're right that, like, we both want it to be short. And for me, I know personally, feeling heard and, like, fully acknowledged matters a lot. So I just, like, keep talking. And basically all I'm doing is saying the same thing like, 30 different ways because I'm like, oh, well, he didn't acknowledge it yet, so maybe if I say it this way. Oh, he didn't. He didn't, like, hear that the way that I meant it. So I'm going to try saying it this way. So these little lines of like, what could you. Going back to the prompt we said, what do I say and do during miscommunications in my marriage when I know I'm appreciated, respected and valued. So the things that we do can be. Taking a deep breath. Lower your shoulders and nod softly in acknowledgement, the things we say. Could you see yourself saying, I want to understand? Like, when I look all frustrated about something, still very much working on myself, guys. I look all frustrated about something, and, you know, okay, we. This, like, will be talked about, and I'd like to see it resolved as quickly as possible. Can you see yourself coming up to me and saying, I want to understand or help me understand?

A lot of times I do understand, and I am just. A lot of times I say, I agree with you. Like, I don't know, like, you should.

We put that line in here, too? I agree with you.

Yeah, we're like, we're saying the same thing right now. It's just in different ways.

That just reminded me that one of my favorite phrases to use with people in relationships that we value is your right. Like with our kids or even with you. If I notice that you feel really frustrated about something with the boys, especially, like, they. I mean, our boys have recently broken several things in our house, like a cabinet door. They ripped off a cabinet door. There's a hole in our garage door now. And what was the other thing like.

The door going into our garage?

Yeah. What was the other thing that they recently broke?

The dryer machine, which. Oh, that was you.

Never mind. I did not break it.

I was like, I don't remember the last thing I broke. I was like, I'm just fixing everyone else's.

And meanwhile, I'm reminding him of the stories he has told me about the things he has broken.

Anyways.

Anyways. Okay. Back on track. You're right, though. You're right is one of my favorite things because it personally focuses my mind onto the other person's perspective instead of, like, swimming around in my own. So could you see yourself. I can see myself doing this. I'm also a wife, though, so as a male, could you see yourself approaching a miscommunication, wanting to handle it really well, and saying, you're right, this is. And then say the thing that you agree with, like, you're right, this is stressful, or you're right. When it comes to the boys breaking stuff, you're right. I want them to respect our home, too. Could you see yourself saying that?

I 100% want them to. To. Did you just pause it?

No. Oh, keep going.

Fix it.

Just talk. You're right. Go ahead.

Yeah. Like, if. If we started with somewhere where there's. Where we're. We're both for sure on the same side, that's definitely a good place to start.

Yeah. Okay. So I want to Understand could be.

I don't see myself saying I want to understand. And then I feel like that would just.

So that's out of the vision for you as an appreciated, respected and valued husband. That doesn't like, flow into your vision of what you would say from that place. To me, I feel like.

I mean, I've said it before. I'm like, I'm trying to understand.

Yeah. It just usually happens like way later. But I'm saying, like, how do we. What do we put. Guys, I hope you can just know that we are working so hard on these journals. Like they are just highest quality. You can know. We labored over every word to try and have the most clarity. And I am so excited.

So I told her. This feels like a therapy session for ourselves right now.

Seriously. It's been really good. It's been good. We're open minded. I'm really like hearing. Hearing his perspective. So saying possibly I want to understand, or do you think help me understand is stronger than I want to understand?

Yes.

Okay. So help me understand is something. He could say, you're right and then go to that place.

Women love hearing that you're right.

Everybody loves to hear that. What do you agree with?

I feel like this is what happens in an argument. Whatever happened, the guy will just try to repeat what happened in his point of view. And the wife didn't see it in that point of view. And so the husband doesn't think that they're wrong and the wife thinks that something was done wrong. So one ends up defending and then the other one, the. The wife is. Or vice versa. It could be the other way around. You're just trying to re. Create what happened and then come to a solution.

Yeah. As if you guys were both living in two different realities when it happened.

And both of you guys 100% believe your side of the story and you're trying to understand the other. The other side of the story.

Yeah. Understanding someone else's perspective, though, is a choice. Like putting yourself in that frame of mind is a very active decision to make. So what if our third suggestion is I value your point of view and I know you value mine because remember, the week's theme is I speak life. So we want to get ourselves more familiar with speaking life. This is a challenge to say new things that take us in the direction we want to be going. And that's what speaking life is. So I value your point of view and I know you value mine. I'll listen first.

Yeah, sounds good.

Would you say that.

See, I would Say it probably in a different way.

But how would you say it? Well, okay, then if you. If it feels difficult to be on the spot, like, then I'm just gonna put that in the journal so that anyone else that feels like they're on the spot has some good inspiration. Okay. Next. Next prompt. So each week in the journal, there's two creative writing exercises, and then there's five prompted exercises. And then there's a weekly win reflection where you. Where you reflect on your mindset and marriage wins of the week. So very positive. So this would be an example of one of our creative writing exercises. What are five kind and true things I'm ready to say to her today? What do you think as a man turning to this page in the journal, what are five kind and true things I'm ready to say to her today? Do you like that exercise?

Yeah, no, it's good. I would say that she's playful with the kids. She is intentional with spending time with each of the kids. Do you want me to do all five of them right now? Name me a hundred examples of what I can do or what I do to be an awesome man.

Tell me all the reasons why you love me.

Just 100 of them. Go ahead. Right now.

Okay. And then the reflect at the bottom of the exerc is. What would it mean about me to say these things today? So what would it mean about you as a husband to come up to me and say these five kind and true things?

I think it's important to me that you know that I feel that way about you.

But what would it mean about you? Like, what would it mean about you to say these things to me today?

It means that I am paying attention to all the things that you do.

Okay, perfect. This prompt is working. All right, next one. What do I appreciate about the way she speaks to me? And how can my tone and words intentionally praise her?

Hey, you're really having me just do this in front of the world right now?

Let's. Gosh, we can reword it. I want this to be powerful for men and for husbands, and I want it to be more about the self reflection. So does it feel powerful for you to think about what you appreciate about the way I speak to you and then to consider how your tone and words can intentionally praise me? I honestly think we can make this prompt a lot better. So we are going to play with that. That would be helpful. Well, what are your initial thoughts about.

The prompt that I. I do care about the tone that you talk to me because it's probably one of the. The main things that we work on with each other is, like, if we get angry, if we try to maintain our calm and collected tone, it makes sense.

I really appreciate that you're saying we. And I know for a fact that tone is a me thing. Marcus has excellent tone, excellent composure and delivery and timing. And my tone is very, very much anchored in how I feel in that moment. So I'm working on anchoring my tone into my identity instead of my emotion.

That's when just, like, the initial thought of me just holding her by her shoulders and just saying, babe, you have to calm down right now.

Well, if you say that, that. No, if you hold me by my shoulders and say, I love you, and I'm willing to listen.

See, this is also completely different for guys.

Shatter. You shatter the anger for guys.

This also is a. Is a very important moment that you're fighting the urge to just start laughing, which is a real thing.

That is a real thing.

And I have started laughing in multiple times. We've had miscommunications, and it doesn't turn out very well.

No, I like, if he starts laughing, I start crying. It's like. It's like, immediate. But anyways, we're just airing this all out. Gosh, I hope people feel so seen, or they're gonna be like, man, I'm in a really good place. Like, I. I don't struggle with any of those things. Okay, let's work on this prompt, though. What do I appreciate about the way she speaks to me? And how can my tone and words intentionally praise her? What if we're making this journal? This is literally like, the third or fourth time revising the prompts. Like, we get closer and closer every single time, and we get more clarity in the journal. So if we are creating a product for a man that wants to speak life into his marriage, what would the prompt say? What do I appreciate about the way she speaks to me? Because he's already going to be writing today. I appreciate that my wife. Because this is the appreciation journal. So today I appreciate that my wife blank. And then he goes into this exercise, which is meant for self reflection.

So, yeah, so my tone is important that I'm speaking to you in a kind and gentle and all of the ways that I want to talk to you.

Yeah. So let's remove what do I appreciate about the way she speaks to me and focus really strongly on this other part. How can my tone and words intentionally praise her?

And we're currently doing this while we're Talking right now.

Yeah. We are literally workshopping this journal while on this podcast episode because it's been the most hilarious and connective 20 minutes on the episode and then like 40 minutes before that. So, like, the last hour has been so wonderful. How can my tone and words intentionally praise her? I bet listeners are just like, you should ask this. Like, I feel like to them it's so obvious and for us, we're just like, like, what were you saying?

I don't remember.

Sorry. Cut you off. My bad. Okay. Our goal is to help a husband speak life.

I also did the husbands a solid and cut the amount of lines to where I was like, let's, let's make this. Let's man proof this thing. But at the same time create the consistent daily routines that. That helps just start your day off in a really good way. And just journaling in general is just a really good just thing to kind of write your thoughts down and, and do all that. Ooh.

Okay. Let's make it more of like a future paced prompt where they are kind of like looking at where their marriage will be six months from now and they're using their words to like speak that into existence, to have the words to describe where they want their marriage to be six, six months from now.

I think that's just gonna happen just by just writing it down the first time.

What first time?

The just writing down. Because that's all this is, is basically you're just giving yourself time to think about these things to where when a miscommunication does happen. Now you've thought about it and you've written, you've written it down. You've written what the best version of yourself. How they handle a situation like this. I think it's. You start practicing those things just like you practice anything. You get better at it.

Yeah. The mind just needs repetition, like lots.

But I think that's what this journal is going to be really good for for guys and for. For girls.

Yeah. Yeah. So our focus of I speak life, we could take it in the direction of like speaking life over my marriage. We could ask him like, what does it mean for you to speak life over your wife? Would that prompt be like, lacking clarity?

Probably. If we've had to change a lot of these prompts to where I'm like, I don't get what you're saying.

Yeah, they're very like feminine and inspired, focused, because that's how I think. Like, my words get very clever and then they lose clarity. So with the men's journal, I'm learning.

I'm like, dang, I need to get more clever.

Claire. Clarity is Kiki Ki. Okay, I think it's that.

That's good right there. How can my tone and words intentionally praise her?

Do you think that's, like, self focused enough? How can my tone and words intentionally praise her? Let's be more specific. Praise her win. How can my tone and words intentionally praise her win?

I feel the most loved.

Well, what if he's not feeling very loved right now? Like, I want this husband to read this and be like, oh, my goodness. The power to change is within me. Like, yes, we can be in a hard moment, and I am like the hot air balloon that lifts us up and out of it when I'm dialed in and focused on being the husband I want to be.

How can my tone and words intentionally praise her when we don't see eye to eye?

Or how can my tone in words.

If you guys ever get this book and you're like, this is what they were talking about right here. You guys helped us.

How can my tone in words intentionally set an energy I want her to match? Is that confusing?

See, when you said, that's like, is that Spanish?

I feel like I know exactly what that means. And we do need clarity. That's the direction I want us to go in, though. How can my tone and words intentionally set an energy I want her to match? Or how can my tone and words lift my marriage out of a difficulty and unite us? And unite us. What do you think about that?

That's good.

Am I getting confusing again?

We just keep getting longer and longer.

How can my tone in words. I feel like part of this is like going shopping with you. You're like, oh, yeah, that's nice.

Yeah. See, guy just wants to be like.

Looks good on you.

Yeah, get that one. Let's go.

Oh, man. How can my tone and words lift? Ooh, lift. Okay, what about this? Lift the reality of my marriage to meet my expectations of. Is that inspiring? I want him to think bigger. How can my tone and words lift the reality of my marriage to meet my expectations of it? Like, I feel like so many times people are lowering their expectations to meet their reality. Like, oh, I just need to expect this argument to happen. I need to expect this, like you said, this argument to go on and on and on instead of just being a five minute conversation. Like, I need to expect confrontation. You're lowering your expectations to meet a reality that we've created instead of raising our reality to meet our expectations by changing our behavior.

I Agree.

But do you think that when you.

Read that prompt, I'm honestly trying to read the words while you're talking, and I have to keep starting over.

Okay, I'll be quiet. No, go ahead.

Keep talking.

It's fine.

I'm gonna plug my ears. This is, like, Hooked on Fun, except you're trying really hard to read three lines.

Okay, read. Read it out loud.

How can my tone and words lift the reality of my marriage? To meet my expectations of it? Yeah.

Or how can my choices. No, because this is the.

It's the tone. The tone and words is important in a marriage, especially when communicating with your wife.

You've taught me a lot about communicating kindly, even when you feel upset. And it's honestly 100 times easier for me to practice it with the boys than it is for me to practice it with you. I know that's not, like, a reflection of you. It's just. I really think it's just so much easier to retrain yourself and be vulnerable with kids than it is to be with adults, especially adults that have, like. I mean, we've been married for 10 years, and my. I will say, over the last 10 years, my communication has improved dramatically.

Yes.

So that's been good progress. That is progress. Okay, we're gonna wrap up this last prompt with you guys, and then we're gonna wrap up this episode, because we've already kept it here for about 30 minutes, and we have worked. So now you know how much we're pouring into this journal. Let's power through. How can my tone and words lift the reality of my marriage to meet my expectations of it? What about down here where we have that ponder piece? This will be our ponder piece where he can gather inspiration. And we even said, like, write out this inspiration word for word, if it helps getting your mind, like, primed in the right direction. And Marx is like, well, that seems like cheating. That seems like a cop out. So just let him do it for 10 days. And I'm like, let him do it every day. Like, just to. If you learn these words and acquire them through the journal, then you're going to implement them into your life.

I was just saying Tessa's so good at just coming up with these answers that I'm like, dang, that's a good answer. Like, that's something that. That they're gonna want to write. But then she's like, well, what if they just wrote it? I was like, I mean, that's a good idea. But eventually, I think eventually when they start writing these things, they're going to learn that they know. They actually do know more words.

Yeah, yeah. And they'll feel more comfortable using language like this. When you're used to speaking negatively, complaining about things like you're the victim, it feels so uncomfortable to speak with ownership and with positivity and to like use affirmations. It feels so uncomfortable. Even if you have the words. Emotionally, there's a big disconnect because it's not familiar. It's so new that we feel uncomfortable doing it. And it's still healthy and good and beneficial. Okay, let's give him something to ponder when it comes to raising our reality, to meeting our expectations and using the type of tone and words to help him do so. What are your expectations of our marriage? And I'll come up with the words in tone. You guys should have seen his face.

What are the expectations of our marriage?

Seriously, what do you expect of us in our marriage?

I expect us to both speak kindly to each other, to grow together in all aspects of life, whether, like, whether it's goals, physical, spiritual, financial, whatever. Whatever the those may be.

Okay, let's see.

Respect. Respect each other. Talk good about each other all the time to everyone.

Yes. Okay, so the prompt, let's go back to the prompt. How can my tone and words lift the reality of my marriage to meet my expectations of it? We're going to have a ponder section and the inspiration there is the expectations I have of my marriage. And then in the ponder section, one of those expectations would be to speak kindly, say what I mean and mean what I say.

Because words matter.

Words shape worlds. Guys grow together in all aspects. So how do words and tone set us up to raise our marriage to the expectation of growing together in all aspects?

Grace.

Grace. Yes. Offering grace.

Understanding.

So gracious. Tone of understanding. And affirm like affirmative. Affirmative words that encourage each other.

Because at the end of the day, you guys are both on the same team. You guys both want the same things and just a matter of getting there, speaking nicely to each other.

So live by values that could be. Another expectation we have in our marriage is that we live by values. Respect being one of those values. So we choose respectful words that protect each other's, that protect identity and self esteem. I put laugh every day.

That's a good one.

Laugh every day. Words that are light hearted and playful. Okay, we're gonna work on the wording of that.

Wait to laugh until the argument is finished.

Timing of laughter. Honestly though, laughter is medicine. Let it be in the argument. Tessa Romero. Okay, friends, we gave you A little bit of a behind the scenes experience of us working on the 100 day marriage journals that we have in the works. And they will be available soon, soon, soon.

We don't have solid date, but they are, they look really good.

They truly do. They truly are incredible. I mean, just the focus of it. And I'm telling you, if you want to start right now improving your marriage, get out any journal, any or any piece of paper and just spend five minutes a day writing what you appreciate about your spouse. It is so transformative and you literally change, you change those neuropathways in your mind. The resentment, the releases its grip from you and you're able to start truly laughing with, appreciating and encouraging your spouse again where it's no longer a well, of course he gets to do blah and I'm stuck here. Like you don't see yourself as the victim anymore when you're in such an appreciative and grateful mentality. So if you want to start right now, before our journals are available, just get out a piece of paper, get a little journal and write your spouse a daily little letter of appreciation. And one thing that I really want to emphasize about these journals and the letter that you write, if you choose to start there is, it is for you, it is not to change your spouse. It is not to like put out in the open and hope he sees it so that he'll do it for you too. It truly is just a selfless act that is like quiet accountability, quiet ownership and really just increasing your accountability of yourself. What you're choosing to focus on enlightening your own mood as a wife and as a husband. Like, that's my goal for these journals, is that we're able to see ourselves be the partner that we want to be in all circumstances and understand that my marriage can only be as good as my mindset about it. So what am I going to do to improve my mindset about it? And that's what I'm hoping for.

It's like riding your way back to the honeymoon phase.

Oh my goodness. That's why I never left because I just keep writing.

We're still there 10 years later.

Really though, it's. I love our life. I think we have the coolest life. Okay, I'm wrapping this up. I adore you guys and we will see you soon. I'd love some feedback on this episode. It was definitely different than what we normally do and still valuable, still just so fun. Okay, see you guys.

Bye.