146. 5 Reasons to Stop Saying "NO" to Your Kids

I'm gonna lay it all out for you in this podcast episode. This podcast episode is marking the new era where Tessa shows up more authentically. I'm taking off the gloves, friends. There has been a long stretch of time that I've been trying to water down my message and my mission and my perspective in all this work to try and please as many people as possible, because let's just be honest, that receiving hatred online in incapacities like this feels really hard. And I've received enough of it that I started to feel really afraid of it. And now I'm just going to start embracing it because I'm looking around and seeing how much people truly need this work. Your whole life would be different if we really did this together. So I just think it's silly that I've been holding out and. And fear of people misunderstanding it when I can see so many people that would get it, that do understand that, crave this, and want this so, but so badly. And I'm just going to talk to you. But that's who I'm talking to here is the mom that wants so badly to understand regulation mindset and how they work together with parenting so that you can show up and be the mom you want to be no matter where you go or who you're with. And sometimes that message is going to land really difficult because you're going to find, oh, man, I've been in a victim mentality. Oh, shoot. These negative thoughts have been leading the way. I've been putting myself down. Oh, I told myself that there's nothing else I can do but yell. And I've been just validated in that message. Right? There's. There just comes a time where your kids need you to yell at them, and no is the only answer when really you don't run out of choices, you run out of tools. Okay, so I'm here to fill up your toolbox. That's what I'm gonna do moving forward is just be. Be who I want to be. Let's. Let's do that. Let's do that. Let's just be who we want to be. Okay. Yeah. So this podcast episode, I feel, is the perfect topic to start this new. This new message, this new line of energy from me, and that is to be completely sold on and entirely on board with using yes language. I want this podcast episode to deliver to you the message that you need and the understanding that you've been missing in order to go all in on saying yes to your kids using yes language. So what I'M really talking about here. Enough. No. Start saying yes when I'm talking about no. I'm talking about the word no. I'm talking about the word can't, don't, won't, shouldn't. All of the negative language is falling into that no category. It is so much bigger than the word no. You are likely telling your kids they can't do something way too much. And I want us to start considering the consequences of that, because you and I are over here. I mean, I'm 30, almost 31. I'm. I work every day on my mindset, and I work with women every day on their mindsets, and I've talked to women in their 70s that are telling me the same things that they're working on in their mindset, and they're trying to overcome all this I can't do it language. Well, where the heck did that come from the first place? Oh, yeah. What we heard as kids when that initial programming was taking place and the influences that happened long after that even took place in our 20s, all of that really matters. So I want us to understand the severity and the mass consequences that come with the words that we're using. And it goes both ways. It goes for the good and it goes for the negative, the bad, the consequences. So I'm gonna get you. I'm gonna get you bought in, friend. My passion's gonna rub off on you. I can feel it. It's gonna be good. So I am putting together for you in this episode, five solid reasons to get you bought in on using yes language and saving your no for when you truly need it, which is extremely rare. And by when I say it's extremely rare. I have been trying so hard to remember the last time I told my kids no. The last time I told them they can't do something or use the word don't with them. I'm trying so hard to remember because I've been making this three week yes Mom Challenge framework, and. And our yes mom challenge starts on September 1st. I highly recommend you be there. Details are in linked below for you, so go click that. Anyway, I've been making the content for this yes Mom Challenge, and I felt so inspired to be creating content that shows people how I communicate with my kids only using yes language. And while I don't come on Instagram and be like, oh, I never tell my kids no, and I. I say yes, I only say yes. I only use positive language, I don't go on there and say that because I want people to actually pay attention to what I'm doing and implement it rather than believing they have to just start at that point. I want you to start right where you're at. Obviously. I think it's obvious. I'll clarify here. I have said can't, don't, won't, shouldn't. No, not. I've said those things to my kids in my period raising them. I've just slowly let go of those words and found how ineffective they were over time. Over time, it's like become a game for my brain and my brain just really wants to win. My brain wants to know, how do I say this? Using can, do, want, will, should, yes. How do, how do I frame it in that sense? And it is literally a brain game. It is so fulfilling. I. I love it. It's intellectually stimulating. It helps me stay regulated longer because I'm using the logical part of my mind longer to solve. I'm problem solving, I'm being creative. I'm intellectually in this rather than emotionally reactive and then in negative thoughts that caused me to yell and lose my cool. So I started creating this content and what I received in the comments though was a lot of this, like fear based message of, well, then how will you. How are, how will your kids know how to face disappointment? How will, how will your kids receive a no From a teacher or a boss or just like go through the real world if, if you're not saying no to them, how will they face the real world? And these comments were extremely helpful and I was like, you know, we're just gonna put this into a podcast episode. Because as much as I think it's evidence enough that this is effective, that I live in the real world and I have four children that also live in the real world and somehow I'm thriving in the real world talking this way and doing these things. I mean, I thought that was evidence enough. Let's just break it down, though. Let's just break it down. So here are my five reasons. Here are my five reasons. Before I get into these though, remember my yes mom challenge. It's a 21 day challenge. I'm hosting it inside of my membership. So when you sign up for the challenge, you get 30 days access to my membership. You get 21 short video lessons, a complete study book that you can print, keep. Of course you can revisit your video lessons as well. A weekly live coaching session with me so you can bring your unique circumstances like Tessa. I really want to use this yes. Language and I am just struggling to see how it works. When my child bites or hits or throws something, I want to help you, sister. I got your back. You get 24, 7 help and support access from my Ask Tessa AI, which is fully equipped with every yes mom lesson and all of my courses. So if it's, you know, you just pulled up somewhere, you're picking your kids up from school, you're about to drop them off, the day's about to start and you're like, okay, today is the day that we use yes language. How do I say it this way? Or you want to reflect on a circumstance and see how you could have changed your language at use the Ask Tessa. It is incredible the way that it's equipped to help you with all of our our content. You get access to our community feed so you get to share and connect with like minded women that are doing this work right alongside you that want the same things and are experiencing a lot of the same circumstances and they have so much wisdom and experience and encouragement to provide to you. We're also doing a free yes Mom T shirt. Upon completion of of this challenge, you just pay shipping and I'm going to send you a yes mom club T shirt. It is so cute. And finally, we have a money back guarantee. I believe in the, in this framework and these lessons so strongly, so strongly that I will literally give you your money back by the end of the challenge. You can keep the T shirt, finish the challenge, keep the T shirt and get your money back. If you really are dissatisfied and you did not experience a win using yes language, I, I will give you your money back. So truly, I want to make the risk as little as possible for you, for you to experience just a greater connection with your kids, for you to finally be like, oh my gosh, I can set and hold these boundaries and love the way I'm talking. And when that happens, it's a true turning point in your communication and connection with your kids. You find that they're behaving better, they're contributing more, they're cooperating more. And those are all just the happy benefits. That's just like, yeah, those are like nice things that are happening. What I truly care about is your energy, your mood, your mind, your overall wellness improving and increasing because of what you're choosing to think. Okay, so now we're getting into our five reasons this is important stuff. We're diving in. Number one, the reason why we use yes language. Instead of saying no anything and I do mean anything, I could prove it to you. I would love to prove to you anything you Want to say with a no? You can say more effectively with a yes. I prove this every day with my kids. I believe in that so strongly. Anytime I'm like, well, I want to be able to tell them what they can't do, and that's crossing the boundary. And don't do that. They shouldn't do that. I want them to stop doing that thing. I can do all of that more effectively with a yes than I can with a no. Just telling your kids no is so vague. It's so vague. And what it does is it depletes. Using negative language depletes your energy rapidly, fast. Like, it just happens so quickly because you said no to that one behavior. Don't jump on the chair. And then your child is like, now they're spitting in the chair, or now they're standing on the chair, or now they're sliding down the chair, or now they're tipping the chair over, they're putting the chair upside down. They're trying to put the dog in the chair. They're doing all these things with the chair that you're like, how many times do I have to tell you what not to do with the chair? With the chair. What is going on here? And then you're feeling so frustrated. When in reality, if you would have just communicated the one clear, effective thing you want them to do with the chair, of course there's so many things they could do with the chair. Just focus on the thing you want them to do at the chair. You just reserved all of your energy because now all of your energy is just going to go into seeing that one thing through instead of addressing 100 things that you don't want them to do with the chair. And now you've also worked with your child because you've given them. This is point number two. So point number one, anything you want to say with the no, you could say more effectively with the yes a hundred percent. And it works so much better. 2. Cognitive priming. This is psychology, guys. Cognitive priming is best done with clear, direct, and positive language, which means yes and can do will, all of the R am all of the positive language that supports cognitive priming positively. So, for example, if you tell your child you can't hit your brother, you literally just primed your child's mind to hit their brother. And the most clear instruction you gave, and don't hit your brother, or you can't hit your brother, the most clear instruction you gave them is hit your brother. That is the most clear instruction your child receives. And then that turns into a picture in their head. Now they have a visual. Well, kids are extremely visual. Honestly, you and I are too. We're all extremely visual. Our mind takes words and paints a picture in our brain and then says, yes, go plan, do it. And kids act on it even faster. So, so telling your child this instruction, hit your brother. Even if you said you can't hit your brother, what they heard is hit your brother. The picture in their head is to hit their brother. And kids love, they love to imitate what's in their brain. They love to act it out. So now you've given them a picture to act out. And it just so happens that it was your flawed instruction. Not misbehavior, not. Not disobedience. Here's where it's so interesting though, is you did that and you did it in a way that guarantees they're going to hit their brother. And then you feel so frustrated by their quote, unquote disobedience and begin to withdraw from your child because you're feeling so frustrated. You're feeling so disrespected. And now you're armoring up. You're feeling hurt that they're not listening to. You're feeling hurt that they don't respect you when the reality is they literally adore you. No other human on the planet experiences love for you like your child. It is. And then we have just. Our brain has this silly way of thinking, oh, this is them. This is them hating me. This is them hurting me. No, this is them following the little literal instruction that I gave them. And now I'm making it about me. When reality, it's about the words that I'm using. And when you withdraw from your kids and they. There's that disconnection there because now you got all in your head and all in your hurt that you created there, you made that up. Because they're not disobeying you, they're following through on the instruction. It weakens connection with your child when you disconnect, when you numb out, when you disassociate, when you experience that withdrawal from them. When you do that, you weaken connection with them. And when you weaken connection, they feel that the moment we do it, they feel it, you feel it, you know when you're doing it. And then safety is disrupted. And when safety is disrupted, our kids act out more. Not because they're disobedient or they're disrespectful, they act out in, in search of. Of safety. They're trying to find where did this safety go, how do I get it back? And we are literally their, their anchor in life. We are their lifeline to safety. They get that from us. So when we withdraw and we pull back and we disconnect now what do they have? Of course we're going to see an increase in all of those behaviors. Because last they checked was, well, my mom told me I can't do these things. That's the clear picture. I'm going to do that again. I want to get my mom's attention. I want her to look at me, I want her to connect with me. So I'm going to do whatever it takes to get her to connect with me. Even if it's positive, even if it's negative attention. I just want her attention. That is what manifests itself. Point number three. Point number three. Self fulfilling prophecy. Holy moly. Here's more psychology for you. You see in others what you believe about them and we all become what we believe about ourselves. That is self fulfilling prophecy. It's instruction to the brain. We give the brain a list of instruction. This is why I love to journal every single day. Because I'm like, hey brain, yeah, I understand you have a lot of influences every single day. And I want you to follow these plans, like stay focused. This is who we are. This is what we do. And the self fulfilling prophecy says who I tell my child they are is who they will become. And what I, what I choose to look for in other people is what I will see. It's who I will believe that person is. Even if there's more to them than what I'm choosing to look for. Even if there's more to that person than I've ever seen because I refuse to look for it. I will believe that about them. And the words, the language I use with that person influences them to fulfill that prophecy. Every you are statement you use with your kids becomes an I am statement in them. And those are the most effective forms of commands in our mind is to say I am most effective way to change. So if you tell your kids you are a liar, they interpret that to I am a liar. Well, now we're in, we're in negative space. I understand. You didn't say no, you didn't say not. You didn't say can't, won't, don't. You are saying something really mean though, and you know it. You're. You're saying mean things. You're telling your child that they are someone that you don't want them to be. That's a Problem. That is a problem. So with, with this point, when we use yes language, we're so focused on the positive, we're so focused on the good, that we build up characteristics, values, integrity in our kids that support the behavior we want to see in them. So if you say things like you never listen, you are a liar. It's like you do the exact opposite of what I say. Every time I turn around. You're into something naughty. Yeah, your kids, those are programs that you're giving your kids and they will follow through on them because your kids are brilliant. Because they are stinking unmatched and, and brilliancy, imagination, just. It's incredible what our kids are able to do. Incredible. And I'm telling you, no matter how old your kids are, you can start using every single one of these points for good. You can start using yes language today with an 18 year old, a 25 year old. Hello, I'm 31. How old are you? We're doing it. Of course you can do it with a six year old, a three year old, a five year old, a four year old. Would it matter to you if your parents started changing today? Let's just talk about that. Okay? Okay. All of a sudden we're like, you did it. I'm so proud of you. I completely forgive you. I love this. And you could be in your 40s and 50s and experience that happening in your 30s. So when you're like, oh my gosh, I've been saying no to my five year old. Yeah. What a beautiful time to change. Okay, this is inspiration. Now you know that you'd like to commit to this change and you have five years under your belt that is going to inspire you to follow through on it when it feels difficult when changing behavior, you're experiencing frustration and changing your language. Because anytime we're learning something new, our brain feels frustrated. That is proof that you're learning it. Okay, so take it as a good sign. Take it as a good sign. Self fulfilling prophecy. That is exactly why we're using clear, direct and kind instruction with our kids, which is yes. Language. Yes, language. Okay, point number four. Here we go. We're blazing through the top. Reason I started making all my. All my yes. Yeah, I, I literally just start a video and I'm like, at the pet store with my kids here, how I say yes the whole time without breaking boundaries or on a walk with my kids here, how I say yes the entire time without breaking boundaries or losing my mind. Like I'll like say that and then I go into the video. And it's literally just a bunch of clips of how I tell my kids to stand sidewalk, keep your buckles on in the stroller, stay where I can see you. Stay next to me that we will do something when we get home. I instruct them on when to ask me again if I want more time to think about something. Right. Like I just make all these videos. Well in the comments and you guys can go over these comments for yourself. They're actually extremely positive. I was pleased. There are some comments though that address this like what if scenario. So I just thought it was really interesting and I want you to do your own research on this. Go read through all those comments. The top reasons parents told me that they need to say no was fear based. It was a fear based reason. It went back to this idea of being able to like they're like well how are my kids going to learn how to experience disappointment and rejection if I don't tell them no? Like they're gonna go into the real world. I need to prepare them for that. I need to be the one getting them to experience rejection and disappointment. And I just thought that was really interesting. Really interesting because you just said that the whole world's gonna do it so why do you need to do it too? Like if the whole world, if you really believe the whole world's gonna be mean to your child, why do you need to be mean to? Isn't that reason enough that you would be the most kind, the most sincere, the most encouraging, the most positive person in their life, their literal. Because they're going to go into a world like that is what you believe anyway. That's one of the fear based, fear based reasons of how will my child experience rejection and, and disappointment if I'm not instilling it in them. Another fear based reason is we want our kids to listen to authority. So when they go to school, when they're at grandparents house, they need to be able to hear the word no and stop. So fear based reasoning. Will my child hear the word no and stop? That's fear based. Another fear based one that came up frequently was about consent. How will my child learn to respect consent from others? Like do I have permission to touch you if I don't tell them no? If we're not using no language, how does a child learn about consent? Again, fear based. You fear your child breaking consent and not respecting consent if you don't use the word no. So I just thought it was really interesting that not a single person, not a single person actually that's not true. There was one single person. I wanna be truthful here. There was one single person that had a really good point. She said God told Adam and Eve not to eat the fruit from that tree of knowledge, wisdom in the garden, because if they ate the fruit, they would think they know everything and that they don't need him. So he told them to do not eat from this fruit. And I thought that was like, I just loved that that reasoning was absent of fear. Like, it was truly just a biblical understanding of this is the right thing to do. And I loved that and I support that. Guys, there's room for no. There's room for no. I just have found that I've been able to say everything and anything that I want to say and teach without the word no, without negativity. And I like it. It feels really good to do so. On that point, though, biblically. Biblically, I support that argument. I'm on board with that argument. And I also wanna emphasize, though, that God first instructed Adam and Eve with positive language. He first said, you can have anything in this garden that you want. You can have it all. Just do not eat from that tree of wisdom. Do not eat from that tree of knowledge. I'm blanking if it's wisdom or knowledge. Anyway, I just think it's worth noting that God told Adam and Eve, you can have anything in here that you want. He led with that. And then he said, do not eat from that tree. And he told them why. He provided reasoning and explanation. And I, I just really appreciate those points. And the other thing, biblically, if we're gonna go there, because we are there. Hello, we've arrived. The other thing I think about with that is God told Adam and Eve no. And it didn't work. They still ate from the tree. And in 2025, we are living in the ongoing consequences of the decisions of Adam and Eve. Like, it's just. Even God knew this. Like, they're. God knew. Like, so since we now know that no is not this magic word. It's not this magic word that keeps people from making the wrong choices. It's not. And here's the thing that I, that I also love about the example with Adam and Eve eating from the forbidden, the forbidden fruit. What I also love about that is God felt so heartbroken, right? He felt angry, he felt sad, and he still allowed Adam and Eve to face the consequences of their choice. He did not rescue them from those consequences. And how often are parents telling their child what not to do? Then the child does It. And then they rescue their child from the consequence. God didn't do that. God said, well, I'll give you clothes on your way. You go though, out of the garden. Shoo, shoo. Like that. That is, that is. I mean, he obviously was like, I love you, I care about you. I. I will. I'm coming back for you. I'm sending a savior for you. And now we're going to experience a lot of heartbreak. We're gonna experience a lot of sadness and illness and evilness in the world is what we're gonna go through. So anyway, even if you're on the biblical side of it where it's like, well, God said no, I totally get that. Totally agree. I just want us to consider all these other factors of God also led with positive instruction. He used yes language before he said no. And even when God said no, Adam and Eve disobeyed. So maybe we could consider how effective the word no is now. Anyway, getting back to the sphere based reason though. And how will my child understand what they're doing is wrong if I don't tell them no? Well, let's go back to this example. Well, if no really covered it, then why are you here wanting to learn another way? If no is so effective, then how come that behavior still exists and your fear is still alive? I think those are just two really important questions to sit with because you know it doesn't work. You know that you've told your child no about climbing on the counter. No climbing on the counter. No hitting your brother. No. No sitting on the dog. No pulling the dog's ear. No putting your hand in the food bowl, Whatever. It was, right? And they still do it. So we're like, wait, I thought that would work. Now we're going to learn what actually works, which is positive language. Yes language actually works. And now let's address this also. What about consent? What about consent? How will my child respect other people's boundaries and wishes if they don't hear no, they don't hear no. So first of all, your kids are smart. You'll use yes language. You'll feel really incredible about what you said and how you said it. Which is most important, that you love what you're thinking and saying to your kids. All the happy benefits are the cooperation, contribution and collaboration and improved behavior from your kids. Those are just happy benefits. I'm talking about you feeling better, though. That is our goal. Okay? So your kids are smart. They're going to understand that you're using yes language. And they will see how you're saying yes to one thing and it's a no to something else. Everybody learns that eventually. Your kids are just going to learn it early on. Right. And you are simply choosing to be someone that focuses on the good, what we can do instead of what we can't. My son, my 7 year old is at that. He's, he's at an age now where he's like, yes. Language used to just go right to his program and now he's thinking through it where he's like, wait, you're just saying no to the thing that I asked for. And I said, I'm telling you what we can do. He's like, well, you're just, you're still just saying no. And I'm like, sweetheart, in life you get to choose if you're going to be someone that focuses on what you can do or on what you can't do. Both options will always be there. I am someone. And you can trust me when I tell you this. I am someone that focuses on what we can do. It feels better there. And I'm going to let you choose. Do you want to be someone that focuses on what you can do or what you can't do? That is your choice. You can trust me to focus on what we can do. So when people are like, that was a fear for parents. My child just knows that I'm dressing up a no. And they, they like it better when I'm just direct. And it's just like the heck if I want to be someone that focuses on what we can do, the good and the positive, my child's not going to deter me from that. They're not going to tell me. I'd rather you just tell me that I can't do these things. The heck you can do them. You. It would be silly for me to tell you that you can't do these things. I would just rather keep our whole family focused on what we can do because it feels better there. Okay. Okay. Yes. So second, consent. Let's go through this consent thing and these top reasons why parents think they need the word no. Consent is not about the word no. Let's just really think about consent. Okay. And where most people feel fear based thinking goes is we. If our children are ever in a situation where someone else feels uncomfortable and the person tells them to stop or they say no, we want our children to stop. We want them to respect the consent. Right. The consent boundary. Totally agree. Totally agree. And consent is not about the word no. I've heard many stories and I Am willing to bet that you have, too, where victims put on record that they repeatedly said no and the person didn't stop. So no was not this magic missing word from the victim and the. The person. The persecutor in all of this. Right? The. That person in this. No wasn't. It wasn't the magic word to get them to stop. And people aren't crossing boundaries of consent, victimizing other people. Brutalizing. They're not being brutalizing them, abusing them. They're not doing those things because they don't understand the word no. My. My kids understand the word no. People are smart, you guys. People understand the word no. What's missing in consent? Consent is about values, character, integrity. It is not about the word no. Can the word no doesn't actually keep you safe. I know it's nice to think, like, oh, no is my shield. Actually. Actually, you have adults in your life where you set a boundary and they push it. And just telling them no doesn't get them to stop calling. It doesn't get them to stop texting. You have to follow through and protect your own boundary. That's your shield. And your shield is literally your word. It's keeping your word as good as gold. That is your shield. It's saying what you mean and mean what meaning what you say the first time so that everyone gets the message. Hey, yeah, if I say that I'm done talking, then there are no other words that are going to leave my mouth. This conversation is over because now you're just talking to yourself. That's what the Met. That's what the line I'm done talking says. If you're someone that says I'm done talking, and then you continue arguing, you have lost your shield. You've lost the boundary. Not because they crossed it, because you broke it. You broke your word. You broke the. The value behind your boundary. You broke that. And now we get to pick it back up. We get to pick it back up. Okay? So when we think about consent and we have this idea that I want my kids to be able to respect someone else's no. If someone says, don't touch me, I want my kids to be able to respect that. Okay? Your children do not need to don't touch me in order to understand what it means not to touch somebody. Remember, we can use yes language to teach everything that we want to teach. Your children will respect what other people request of them from a place of values, integrity, and character. So if you're a parent instilling values, family values, character and integrity. And all that's clear in your family. Consent is easy. Consent, respect, regulation. When you feel disappointed, all of that is easier. It's so much easier. It's like second nature for them. Where. This is my theory, guys. My theory is that the person that heard no so much as a child and grew up in a negative environment and boundaries were consistently broken when parents lacked follow through on their word. This person has a victim mentality that things are unfair and they're sick of feeling less than so they hurt someone else. They finally want to feel like they have power, control, and a saying things, which is so interesting because kids want autonomy. They want to make their choices. So when you use yes language, you're actually really good at. At at interacting with your child's frontal lobe. You get them thinking more, thinking that they're making their own choice, when really they're just making the right choice. And you planted the right seed for them to make the right choice successfully without putting your finger on the control dial. You just got really good at asking questions. And that is one of the lessons in my S Mom challenge. Okay, So I feel very strongly about this. They finally want to feel like they have power, control, and is saying things and that consent isn't about no. So that person that becomes an adult and now has a chip on their shoulder, they're out. The world's out to get them, so now they're out to get the world. And things have been so unfair to them. So they just want to. They want to feel like they're. They have the power, they're in control, they want to hurt someone else. That's literally what's happening here. Those victims say no. The person that abuses them, they lack character, they lack integrity, they lack values, they lack a vision in life. Those are the things that they're lacking. And all of those things are best instilled with yes language, with a strong connection as a child to your caregivers. And you have safety. You learn these things, you protect them, you instill them. So our children, if you use yes language and you focus on parenting from a place of values, building character, keeping integrity, if you do that with your kids, I'm willing to bet that our kids won't even be finding themselves in the attacker's position because of their integrity. Their values and characteristics are just too high to even entertain the idea of harming someone else. That, that to me is far more effective than creating a fear around crossing other people's boundaries and still character and values in your kids that are so High that crossing someone else's boundary, putting someone else in an uncomfortable position, finding yourself out there doing things like that is so unfathomable. It's so unimaginable to them to see themselves do that. And while they also hold extreme compassion for people that do experience things like that, because now our kids are going to understand, oh, man, I, I was raised with parents that I have a really strong connection to. We really prioritized values, and that is a different experience than what some other people have. So now they're doing good heart work in the world. They're all up in the community service. They're working in the prisons. They want to be able to give back some of what we've given them. They feel so grateful, they feel so lucky. They don't have this entitlement about them that, well, if I ask for it, it should be given to me right now. Which is so interesting, because when you're in the negatives and you're in the no language, your, your temper is escalated much faster, your word is weakened. So you tell your child a threat or a consequence that's empty because you don't even want to follow through on it. You give them that, they do the thing, and you don't follow through on the boundary or consequence. What does that teach kids? That's a problem. That's a huge problem. That is why kids push and push and push and push and push on the boundary is because they believe from proven experience, if I push on this, if I resist long enough, loud enough, big enough, then my mom will change her mind. Yeah. My dad will do what I want if I just, if I just go a little bit longer than him. And again, these are things that I'm covering in the yes mom challenge. Because holding your boundary is how you establish safety. I want your kids to know, hey, yeah, my word is good as gold. Cry as long as you'd like. Cry as long as you'd like. This is still my word. And I feel so good about my word because I used yes language. I love what I said and I love how I said it. And if my child feels disappointed when, when they experience that, well, it looks like we're learning some life skills today because you will feel disappointed in this life, and here's what you're going to do with it. Which brings me to my final point. Point number five. Point number five. When other people are telling our kids no, they need to know how to handle that. Yes, you're right. Our kids are going to be told no, they're going to experience rejection, disappointment, gosh, just anger, frustration. They're going to experience every emotion that we experience in life. They are, they're going to experience trauma, they're going to experience dysregulation. They are going to do that. Now that is different than us saying I need to instigate it. I need to instigate this disappointment with my child in order to help them learn what to do with it. Because what's so interesting is the negative language is, is so good at instigating these emotions in our children. And then we lack the follow through to help them regulate, to validate them, to really hear them out, to equip them with the life skill which is what we say matters so much to us to we take. We, we miss that step. We were so good at instigating the disappointment, instigating the rejection because well, that's what they're going to face in the real world. And then you missed the step to teach the life skill skill of how to face rejection and disappointment and feel safe at the same time. We miss that because maybe what we are really doing using no and negative language was seeking convenience, seeking control. We wanted to do what was most productive and efficient in that moment. And I'm telling you guys, I'm taking off the gloves. Okay? Taking off the gloves. So however this is landing for you, I, I want to help you. I want to help you love what you say and how you say it and know that values, integrity, characteristics and just respect and like gratitude in life is so much better instilled through yes language, safety and connection. So my, in this last point though of when other people are going to tell our kids no. I have heard that every day now since doing this content like. Well, if my, if my children get like kind of a mean teacher, they need to know how to handle that. First of all, first of all, I have no desire to allow someone with a crushed spirit that took a role working with children to crush my child's spirit in the name of convenience, conformity, productivity and efficiency. Yeah, thanks. No thanks. No, no. Like that is just. Oh boy, I feel so strongly about that. Just because someone else is in a bad mood doesn't mean my child has to be in a bad mood too. Just because someone else thinks it can't be done that way doesn't mean my child needs to believe that. You know how many adults I work with, myself included, where we are literally overcoming this idea that no is final and if someone tells me no, then I just can't do it. No, you won't be able to do that. No, you won't be able to start a business. No, you won't be able to pursue that dream. No, you won't be able to have a business and raise a family. No, your husband won't be able to stay at home with you. No, you won't be able to have the resources. No, you won't be able to have access to that. You know, many times I've heard no in my years of entrepreneurship. A lot. A lot. And if I were to take that no and just say, well, I guess I just can't do it, would I be here? Oh, my goodness. Resiliency, persistence. Those are incredible characteristics to instill in our kids. So when they hear no, it goes back to values, integrity, and character that they respect that person, that they. That they come to their own conclusion of, oh, this is just the wrong person for me to share my ideas with. It's not that my idea is wrong or my ideas are bad. It's just this person is misunderstanding them. And I can accept that right now because I'm going to go back home and I'm going to talk to my mom about my idea, and she's going to help me see a way that it can be done. So I'm okay that this teacher just is. I mean, obviously I can read the room. I can read her body language. Equip your kids with that. Okay. And understand that there are just some people that I'm gonna share my ideas with and some people that I'm not going to share my ideas with. And that's a personal choice. So then when our kids find ourselves in that position, they actually respect other people more. They read the room. And instead of taking it as like they're right, there's no other way for me to do that. It's a. I respect you as a person, understand this is how you see it. And we'll still accomplish what I want. And that is the exact mentality I want my kids to face life with. My kids are going to feel disappointed. There's times that I use yes language, and my kids still feel disappointed. And because I've reserved all of my energy and I've actually built up my energy and using yes language. I love what I say. I love how I say it. I have the energy to follow through. I have the energy to teach my kids the life skill of regulating, validating, and facing fear, disappointment, rejection, like failure. I. I have the capacity to do those things because I. I'm using yes language and that's what you get to do too. You're just going to feel overall better, your wellness increases, your energy levels increase when you use yes language. And it does require you to get out of the fear based parenting, the fear based thinking and, and into faithful thinking where you understand my kids are smart. My kids are smart. I can say yes to this thing and only focus my attention on this thing and my kids will understand. It's a no to everything else. Everything else is a no. This is the yes. This is the path. This is the direction we're going in. And that is just. It's such a relief. And I want that for you too. I want that for you too. So those are my five, five reasons I want to hear from you. Drop a little comment. Which reason resonated with you most strongly? Do you need a follow up lesson, follow up podcast episode on any of these? And you know what? Buckle up, buttercup. You're coming with me to the yes Mom Challenge. Because I just, I was talking to my husband about this last night. I, I love parenting. I love the hard moments of parenting. I love the trial. I love the trial and error. I love, love parenting. Our kids are so cool. We have been given the greatest gifts on this planet. Just, just completely innocent, completely innocent newborn baby. And then we get to decide how we're going to influence them. And that is a role of a lifetime. What a privilege, what an honor to, to know that we have the opportunity to instill such goodness in a fresh person that yes, they have their own personality and they crave values, they crave faith, they crave love, they crave connection, they crave contribution. They crave all good things. And I, I just want to protect that as long as possible. I'm really curious to see what it looks like when that's, when that's protected with all of our might. So join me in the S Mom Challenge. Link is in the show notes below. And here are your five reasons that, you know, we've had enough of the no. You've learned that it's ineffective and now you're going to start using yes language.